Those Years of Women

page views:1 Publication date:2023-03-24

As a woman who has been married twice, I think I have some experiences to share. I have friends and close confidantes, but there are many things I can't tell them, and I dare not tell anyone.
However, on the internet, no one knows your identity, which makes it an outlet for many people to vent their emotions and feelings. I also intend to do so today.
My first time was with my first husband, whom I'll call Jun here; calling him "husband" is no longer appropriate.
He was my high school classmate, the kind who didn't like studying and was particularly mischievous, but he was handsome and good-looking. Back then, many girls in our class secretly liked him.
The environment back then wasn't like it is now. Without a diploma, you would be looked down upon, and finding a job required connections or a trade. The university admission rate was incomparable to now, and failing to get into university was quite normal.
With Jun's grades, it was impossible for him to get into university, and he naturally failed. His family had already made arrangements for him, getting him a job at an ironworks to fill in for a relative. Apparently, that relative had no children and was close to his family, which is why he got such a good job.
At that time, five other people in my class, besides myself, also got into university. The night after the admissions were announced, we decided to have a farewell party to celebrate one last time. We invited all our teachers, a kind of teacher appreciation banquet.
The party was held at a small, ordinary restaurant. There weren't enough seats, so the owner borrowed some tables and chairs from a friend on the next street, and we ate right outside the restaurant.
Of course, there were some activities planned for the party—singing songs, saying a few words to thank the teachers, etc. To be honest, students back then were just as open about relationships as students are now. It's just that back then, if two people started dating, they were aiming for a lifelong commitment. Now, boys and girls date as casually as drinking water; if it doesn't work out, they break up and find someone else—it's all too common.
At the party, someone teased us about a certain boy in our class liking a certain girl, making the girls blush terribly, whether from the alcohol or shyness, it was hard to tell.
Suddenly, I heard someone shout in the crowd, "X Jun likes X Jingyi!" It startled me, and I froze for several seconds before realizing they were talking about me. Many people stared at me, wanting to see my reaction.
I didn't know if they were just making a fuss or if it was real, so I grabbed the hand of a classmate and best friend, lowered my head, and avoided looking at everyone. Seeing that I didn't react, they didn't want to tease me, so they started egging me on to have Jun tell me himself.
I kept my head down for a while, and then my best friend whispered in my ear, "I think X Jun really likes you. His face is all red, and look, he's even peeking at you." I panicked and told her to stop talking, but then a little secret joy welled up inside me. Girls that age often have a crush on slightly mischievous guys, but they're afraid to express it. If they do, people will say they're learning bad habits from him. I was one of those girls; I did have a crush on X Jun, though not a very strong one.
They couldn't get XJ to admit he liked me, and some teachers intervened to stop them, worried about embarrassing some of the girls.
I remember that party lasted until almost midnight; the restaurant owner was about to close and go home before we left. It was so late then, and unlike now where there aren't many people around, the teachers were worried about everyone's safety on the way home, so they suggested that those who lived nearby walk together, a mixed-gender group for mutual support.
I think they did it on purpose, having XJ walk me home. There were actually five of us, but they made XJ and me walk in front, and then the three people behind disappeared. I guessed what they were up to and panicked, but I just kept walking with XJ.
Suddenly, XJ asked me, "Were you blushing at the dinner table?" I was startled. "Blushing? Why would I blush?" I actually felt my face turn red again when I spoke to him, but he probably couldn't see it in the dark.
We walked in silence for a while longer when suddenly something touched my palm, and then my hand was grabbed. It was Jun. Startled, I turned to look at him. In the bright moonlight, he grinned at me, a smile so innocent, so unrestrained, so blatant. I tried to pull away, but he held on
tightly. Looking at him again, he still had that mischievous grin. Embarrassed, I lowered my head.
Seeing that I didn't react, he took advantage of the situation and pulled me closer. My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. In
a very soft, trembling voice, I said, "You...you let go. Why are you holding me like that?" He was silent for a moment. I stood there, unsure what to do. I naively imagined a possibility: we would just stand there, unable to break free, and he wouldn't let go, a stalemate that would last until dawn.
Finally, he spoke: "You know what I mean, don't you?" My heart trembled. Although I had already guessed his intentions, the fact that it was happening was still unbelievable. Was this arrogant guy, who didn't care about anyone, confessing his feelings to me? Was this even a confession? I bit my lip and said, "I don't know." I wanted to hear him admit it himself, not this cryptic confession. But instead of the vows of eternal love I had imagined,
Jun pulled me into his arms, his large hands pressing my head down. He looked at me with unwavering eyes, eyes more beautiful than a girl's. I had never noticed this before, and I was completely mesmerized. Before I knew it, his lips were only a thin sheet of paper away from mine, and he kissed me. Of
course, I tried to pull away, but his large hands held my head firmly, and the warmth of his breath, combined with the electric sensation of our first kiss, made my body go weak.
The kiss lasted for who knows how long, until he finally released my head, panting. I, too, was panting, looking at him. He didn't speak, as if waiting for me to speak first. After a long pause, I finally managed to utter, "What are you doing! You, you..." I couldn't finish the sentence.
Seeing my exasperated state, Jun was amused. After laughing enough, he regained his serious expression and said,
"Don't you understand? I like Jingyi. I've liked you for a very, very long time. Now you understand, right?" Before, when he didn't say it, I forced him to say it. Now that he had made it clear, I didn't know how to respond.
Seeing that I didn't speak, Jun just held my hands tightly, as if afraid I would run away. We just stood there like that.
After my thoughts had wandered around in circles, I hesitantly asked him again, "Do you really like me?" Jun nodded firmly and began to tell me everything—our first meeting, our first argument in class, and so many other things I couldn't remember, yet he had always been concerned about.
At that moment, I no longer hesitated. Seeing him nod gently, Jun once again pulled me into his arms with overwhelming joy, spinning me around several times.
So this is what love feels like; my heart felt instantly filled with something.
After the initial excitement, we realized we had been gone quite a while, so we hurried home, our hands naturally clasped together. But every few steps, Jun started getting restless, constantly trying to touch my waist. I slapped his hand away in annoyance, but he would reach for it again, and I would slap it away again—like a cat-and-mouse game, over and over again.
As we passed a cornfield, Jun let out a strange cry and pointed in a direction. I was startled and instinctively hid in his arms. After a long while, when there was still no movement, I got up and looked around. It was completely quiet.
Jun kept laughing at me, and I realized he was teasing me again. Angrily, I slapped his chest. Jun hugged my waist and said, "Jingyi, your body is so soft, it feels so good to hold you." Hearing him say such blunt and unreasonable things, I wasn't angry at all; I was even secretly pleased. Seeing that I didn't say anything, his hand moved from behind my back, one gently covering the back of my head, and his lips kissed me at the same time. I was silenced and said no. Then Jun's other hand moved down, gently stroking my buttocks. It was the first time I'd experienced such a unique stimulation; my mind went blank, I couldn't think straight.
I actually had the strength to push him away, but since we had already established a relationship, it felt natural for him to do things that were out of line. It wasn't until his hand was about to slip inside me that my guard was raised, and I pushed him away forcefully.
In our generation, especially in the countryside, it was common for people to get married and even have children before they were twenty. We understood about that kind of thing between men and women from a very young age, and we often heard rumors about who slept with whom.
But my parents had always been strict with me, and with university just around the corner, what would happen if I got pregnant and had a baby? I knew what Jun wanted to do at that moment; it wasn't that I wouldn't give in, I just wanted to postpone it.
This time, I didn't dare linger. After pushing Jun away, I hurried home alone. He caught up with me after walking a while, constantly apologizing. Of course, I wouldn't forgive him so easily and scolded him for a while, which I won't go into detail about here. In the end, I warned him not to do it again.
Before I actually went to university, I had two months to stay at home. When I had nothing to do, I helped my parents with farm work. Jun would come to see me every day, and after a while, my parents guessed about our relationship. But we had already graduated, and at that age, we were considered adults in the village. Plus, Jun's current job was quite respectable, so my parents naturally didn't say anything.
When we had nothing to do at noon, Jun would pull me around to look at things. The village wasn't that big, and we'd been everywhere in all these years, but I was happy just being with him. My mom would always remind me, "Don't forget to come home for lunch." I lost my virginity to Jun that summer, not on our wedding night. I remember it was behind that little hill, a place rarely visited. Looking back, I realize Jun had planned it all along.
His big hands, touching and teasing me, made my whole body go weak. He seemed born with the knack for arousing a girl's sensitive spots. My body gradually slumped against him, too weak to even get up, completely at his mercy.
I found that since being with him, my tolerance had increased dramatically. Before, I'd blush and feel shy when he held my hand, but now kissing him, or having my breasts rubbed or my butt scratched, was all acceptable. My defenses seemed to be lowering little by little.
Jun stared intently at my not-so-large breasts. I tried to pull my clothes down, but he held my wrist down. Embarrassed, I could only turn my head away and close my eyes, ignoring him. I could hear his heavy, labored breathing and the sound of him swallowing. I felt like I was being watched by a wild beast.
"Jingyi, your breasts are so beautiful."
"Ugh, don't say that!"
Such blatant and sexually suggestive words reached my ears, traveled through my central nervous system, and reached my private parts and deeper into my vagina, causing an unbearable itch, almost making me wet.
Jun's fingers cleverly slipped inside my skirt, pressing against my cotton panties and poking further in. A current of electricity shot from my groin directly to my brain. This feeling was even more intense and stimulating than when he forcibly kissed me.
That wasn't the first time I'd seen a boy's penis. When I was little, I'd seen my younger cousin pee; it was small, white, and very cute. I even ran to my mom asking why I didn't have a little worm (penis), and she scolded me for a long time afterward, forbidding me from ever watching boys pee again.
Jun's penis was different from what I remembered from childhood; it was as thick as a fire poker. Although it was still pink, the skin was a darker color, and the veins were very prominent, making it look like it was going to eat me alive. I was a little scared.
Jun, however, mischievously grabbed my hand and made me touch his penis. I couldn't resist him, and when I touched it, I was startled—it was so hot!
Jun teased me a few more times, then impatiently pulled down my underwear and lifted my skirt, ready to do it. Worried that my skirt would wrinkle and we'd be discovered when we got home, I told him to wait and took off my skirt and put it aside.
This completely exposed my genitals to him, even the thick pubic hair. Once my pants were off, Jun wasn't in a hurry to do *that* anymore; he leaned down and stared at my private parts.
I squeezed my legs together, trying to keep him from seeing, but this time he didn't stop me, letting my thighs encircle his head. I was afraid of hurting him, so I didn't squeeze too hard. Later, he told me that it actually felt good when I squeezed his head like that.
As he watched, he unexpectedly stuck out his tongue and started licking there. At first, I felt incredibly ashamed—how could he lick that place? But then came the physical pleasure; I wanted to scream, but I was afraid of being heard.
"Don't lick it, it's dirty."
"Does it feel good? Last time I saw Uncle Guai lick Aunt Xiang like that, he was really enthusiastic, and Aunt Xiang was moaning." "Oh, stop talking!" Just from Jun's few words, I could imagine the scene; just thinking about it was shameful.
While I was still reeling from the pleasure, a hard, hot sensation penetrated me. I can't quite remember the tearing feeling now, but I do remember screaming, and quite loudly at that, with tears streaming down
my face. Jun, oblivious to everything, kept thrusting his hips in and out of me. I pounded on his leg, begging him to stop, but he seemed not to hear me.
After a few thrusts, I felt him speed up again, and then it felt like something was being poured inside me. Later I learned that this was called ejaculation; Jun's semen had entered me. Just
as we were both catching our breath, we heard a deep cough coming from the open field. From the sound alone, we knew it was Uncle Zha Ba. His trachea had been damaged since he was young, and he had been coughing incessantly for years.
Terrified, Jun and I didn't have time to rest and quickly jumped down to the other side of the hill, running towards the grove of trees.
For the next few days, I stayed in my room and didn't see Jun. Partly, I was angry that he only cared about himself and didn't understand my pain, and partly because walking was difficult these days, and I knew I'd be recognized if I went out.
During my studies, Jun came to the city to visit me. When he came, I told him I had relatives visiting and didn't go back to the dorm that night. Back then, relationships in university were very innocent. It wasn't until I got to university that I realized many city girls hadn't even held a boy's hand, let alone done *that*.
My intuition told me it wasn't a good thing, but of course, I didn't dare say I'd already lost my virginity.
The next day, before class, I rushed back. My teachers and classmates certainly didn't know that this well-behaved student had been rolling around in bed with a man in a hotel the night before, and had even done it again this morning. I'd just showered and rushed back.
Besides He Jun, many other things happened during my university years, which I won't go into detail about here. In short, after graduating from university, I originally wanted to stay in the city to work, but in the end, I couldn't find a job. Without connections or background, it was really too difficult to find a suitable job. Just then, my mother said that my second aunt had retired from the clothing factory and suggested that I give it a try.
A college graduate working in a factory is bound to receive special training. My aunt didn't want her daughter to take over her job, but my cousin was just too mischievous; she couldn't stand the assembly line work.
After going to university, she eventually came back to work in our hometown. I think the happiest people besides my parents were Jun, but in reality, Jun didn't seem particularly happy, and I didn't think much of it at the time.
Another year passed, and seeing that she was getting on in years, Jun's parents started urging her to settle down and start a family. My relationship with Jun was finalized when I came home for the Spring Festival during my first semester of university; both families sat down together, and everyone in the village knew.
Naturally, Jun and I got our marriage certificate, and not long after returning home, we started planning the wedding. It wasn't elaborate or extravagant; just a few tables.
Our married life was like any other family in the village, like my parents and Jun's parents—we lived as usual. However, some habits I developed in university remained; I washed my hands with soap before and after meals, a custom we never had in the village.
Jun, however, remained the same as in high school, hanging out with his same old friends. He was often called out drinking late at night, coming home reeking of alcohol, and we argued more and more.
The final straw that led to our breakup and made me decide to leave him was when he came home that night with a strong smell of perfume and hickeys on his neck—marks left from a passionate, forceful kiss.
"I'm asking you, whose are these?!"
"What are you doing, causing such a ruckus late at night?!"
He stubbornly denied it, and I couldn't do anything about it. I cried all night, and the next day I sought help from my high school best friend. She told me that Jun had been having ambiguous relationships with several female technicians at his factory. She didn't know the exact time, but the rumors had been circulating since I went to university.
That finally made me completely give up on him. It turned out he had been betraying our love back in university, having inappropriate relationships with other women. After thinking it over for a whole day, I realized I had nothing left to hold me back. I left a letter, departed from the village where I was born and raised, and returned alone to the provincial capital.
If I told my parents, they would probably be furious. And according to their outdated thinking, at most they would scold and beat me, then expect me to swallow my anger and pretend nothing happened. If I were an uneducated, naive woman, perhaps I would have truly resigned myself to that fate.
But the knowledge I gained in university over the years made me unwilling to just live a mundane, empty-house life as an ordinary woman. After returning to the city, I contacted a former classmate and moved in with her. I started looking for work everywhere, including being scammed – a story that's both shameful and infuriating to write about.
Finally, by sheer coincidence, I landed a job as an accountant at a fairly large restaurant. I had forgotten many things, and had to learn them all from scratch, but the feeling of finding myself and my direction in life was something money couldn't buy.
The restaurant owner, surnamed Zhao, was elderly but treated his staff well. He was especially kind to me, a newcomer, often giving me work-related guidance.
I've lived in this city on and off for almost five years, from graduation to marriage, and now I'm a woman in my early thirties, no longer a young girl. I've reconnected with my family; they know the reason for my situation and haven't blamed me too much. Jun, however, continued his womanizing ways after I left, showing no concern for my safety. I'm glad I made that decision, and the divorce was finalized shortly afterward.
In these past few years, I've met many men, some I liked, some who pursued me, but I've remained single. Perhaps my previous marriage hurt me too much, and more importantly, I was divorced. Back then, society wasn't as forgiving of divorced women as it is now.
Then, at thirty-two, I met my second husband, Lao Qi. He's an intellectual who later went into business, doing export trade. He'd also been married before, divorcing his ex-wife long ago. He has a son; his ex-wife's living conditions weren't good, and he raised the child.
We both felt it was about time to talk about marriage, so Lao Qi took me home to meet his son. He said that after I married into the family, I would be the child's mother, and the child should meet him before our wedding.
Lao Qi is twelve years older than me; I'm thirty-two, and he's forty-four. His son, Xiao Fan, is fourteen years old and in middle school. He's a very shy boy; he kept his head down at the dinner table, just eating and not saying much. He didn't say anything about me marrying his father and becoming his mother. After dinner, he went back to his room.
The wedding was simple because Lao Qi and I didn't want it to be too grand. After all, we were both remarrying, and there were only a few guests. Even my parents didn't come; they sent their blessings through someone else. After all, Lao Qi is only a little younger than them, and they didn't know how to address him.
Life after the wedding was alright. Lao Qi's business was doing well, and since I studied accounting, I could help him a little. However, Lao Qi's age was a factor, and his health wasn't so good at night.
In the early days of our marriage, we managed to have sex two or three times a week, but after a year or two, it became three or four times a month, and now it's once a month. Sometimes, we're too busy and tired, and we don't even have a normal sexual encounter for a whole month.
Lao Qi is in the import and export business,
and he often travels to various places for business negotiations. Sometimes he's away from home for two or three months at a time, leaving only Xiao Fan and me at home. Over the years, Xiao Fan and I have gradually become more familiar with each other and have things to talk about. However, he becomes very silent when his father is home. I wonder if it's because Lao Qi's way of disciplining his son is too strict. So, when I'm with him, I don't deliberately put on a stern face or act authoritative; instead, I treat him like an older sister treats a younger brother.
During Lao Qi's business trip, I suddenly discovered something terrifying: my underwear, which I had left in the bathtub in the bathroom to wash, had been touched. The marks were so obvious; a sticky, pungent-smelling bodily fluid had been sprayed onto my underwear.
It was obvious who the murderer was, but what could I do? He was Lao Qi's son, and I was his stepmother. If I beat him up, the whole neighborhood would know, and I'd be too ashamed to face anyone. Xiao Fan's life would be ruined.
So I swallowed my anger and pretended nothing had happened, but I worried that Xiao Fan might do something even more outrageous. All sorts of concerns and anxieties left me at a loss.
From then on, I paid close attention to Xiao Fan's every word and action. Every time he came home from school, I was already off work, busy preparing dinner in the kitchen. He would run up behind me and suddenly hug me, like a child trying to startle me. Usually, I would gently and tenderly poke his forehead, a sweet gesture of affection.
We often enjoyed this, and these unintentional little gestures in daily life accelerated our familiarity and brought us closer.
But now, under my deliberate observation, I've noticed that every time Xiaofan hugs me in the kitchen, he doesn't let go immediately. Instead, he holds me like a husband hugging his wife, holding me for a long time without letting go. His head rests on my shoulder, his breath warm against my ear.
He's done these things before, but not as obviously, and I didn't think anything was wrong then. Now, every move he makes feels like he's hinting at something.
This time, he came home early and, unsurprisingly, startled me from behind. I don't know how many times he's played this trick, but I still played along, pretending to be frightened. Seeing Xiaofan's innocent smile, I wondered again, could a boy with such a sunny smile really do such a thing?
"Stepmother, what are we having for dinner tonight?" "
Stepmother" is what Xiao Fan calls me; he's not used to calling me "Mom" directly, even though I'm not that much older than him.
"Tonight it's your favorite sweet and sour pork ribs."
"Great! I love this the most!"
Xiao Fan hugged me even tighter from behind, as if to express his joy.
Seeing him refusing to let go, I felt a little embarrassed and reluctantly said, "Xiao Fan, go do your homework first. I'll call you when dinner is ready. If you hug me like this, I can't cook." But he shook his head playfully, "No, I finished my homework at school. I want to see how to make sweet and sour pork ribs so I can make it for you when Dad comes home." I didn't know if this was an excuse or his true intention, but I couldn't say anything more, or he would definitely become suspicious.
The gas stove was only at a moderate temperature while cooking, but Xiao Fan's body temperature kept rising as he hugged me. He thought I was focused on cooking and wouldn't notice his little actions behind my back.
Xiao Fan is much taller than me now. Standing behind me, his penis is pressed against my buttocks.
As I've gotten older, my buttocks have become firm like a young girl's, a bit wider, and fuller. Lao Qi often tells me not to buy pants that are too tight, because that would make my buttocks too noticeable and make people unhappy.
Right now, Xiao Fan is slowly rubbing his penis against my buttocks. His movements are so gentle that you wouldn't notice them unless you were paying close attention.
With my deliberate observation, I can naturally feel the change in his penis through the touch of my buttocks. It's already quite swollen. He lightly touches my buttocks with his naughty thing and immediately pulls away. Sometimes when I'm cooking and need to stir-fry, my movements are quite large, and he becomes bolder. He'll hold my waist tightly, pressing closer to my cheek as if trying to see the cooking technique, but actually, he's pressing his penis firmly against my buttocks, sometimes pressing down and sometimes rubbing in circles.
I started to feel uneasy, making several mistakes in the process, adding too much salt. I could also feel Xiao Fan becoming increasingly out of control; his breathing near my ear grew heavier, and the movements between his legs became more vigorous, no longer as cautious as before.
Now, anyone who wasn't asleep could sense his abnormality. I realized I couldn't tolerate this any longer and forcefully broke free from him: "Fanfan, you...you can't do this!" Xiao Fan looked at me in horror. He had been like a completely different person just now, and now, coming to his senses, he was filled with fear for his actions.
Xiao Fan and I stood facing each other, neither of us knowing what to do. Finally, I spoke first: "You...you won't do this again. I won't tell your father about this." I thought he would be terrified at the mention of his father's name, but instead, he suddenly rushed forward and hugged me tightly, and no matter how much I struggled, I couldn't push him away.
"Stepmother, I love you, I love you, please, please help me, save me, I'm going crazy." He started kissing and groping me indiscriminately, kneading and grabbing my breasts.
To be honest, I was somewhat aroused when he molested me from behind earlier, and now, with him touching me like this, plus the fact that Lao Qi hadn't been there to comfort me for months, my body felt like it was on fire, and my strength to resist Xiao Fan gradually weakened.
Seeing that I wasn't resisting much, Xiao Fan assumed I was complying with his wishes, and his movements became more aggressive, moving from my breasts to my buttocks. He kept grabbing and squeezing my buttocks, and I could feel his fingers sinking into them.
But when his fingers touched my private parts and invaded deeper inside, I suddenly jolted and remembered Lao Qi. I instantly came to my senses and desperately resisted Xiao Fan's inappropriate behavior. Finally, seeing that it wouldn't work, I slapped him across the left cheek.
The slap stunned Xiao Fan. He'd never seen me angry, let alone hit me, since the first day we met. He stood there, covering his face, too scared to do anything more.
I straightened my clothes, which he'd messed up, and looked at him, saying, "I know what boys your age are thinking. I've been there too." I reverted to how I addressed myself when I first met Xiao Fan—"Auntie."
Xiao Fan looked at me, speechless. I continued, "Auntie knows all about what you did before, but I didn't say anything because I was afraid you'd be embarrassed, and even more afraid your dad would punish you." Xiao Fan hadn't realized that his little schemes were nothing more than child's play in the eyes of adults, and had already been discovered. He lowered his head in embarrassment.
"If you really did that to Auntie today, have you thought about what your dad will do when he gets back? What will the neighbors say when they find out? What about your relatives? What about your classmates at school? Have you thought about any of that?" Every word I said made Xiaofan lower his head even further. If it ended here today, I didn't think Xiaofan would truly realize his mistake. I gritted my teeth and said, "If you really don't care about all that, then... then come here." As soon as I finished speaking, I unbuttoned my shirt and took off all the clothes I had just put on. Under Xiaofan's dumbfounded gaze, I took off my clothes one by one and threw them on the ground until I was completely naked in front of him. I wanted to cover my chest and private parts with my hands, but then I thought, I took off my clothes myself, what's there to cover up? So I forced my hands behind my back.
Looking at Xiaofan, he was so shocked that he couldn't speak. His eyes were burning with a mixture of heat and panic. I looked at him and suddenly burst into tears. I didn't try to hold them back and let them flow down my cheeks.
Xiao Fan finally realized what had happened and knelt down in front of me with a thud: "Auntie, I was wrong, I was wrong." I knew this time he genuinely admitted his mistake. We hugged each other tightly, and we acted as if nothing had happened. When Lao Qi returned from his business trip, the three of us were back to normal, happy and harmonious. However, starting in his senior year of high school, Xiao Fan moved into the school dormitory.
After he graduated from university and started working, he never lived at home again. In the years leading up to his father's death, I hardly saw him. He's coming back in a few days to handle his father's funeral arrangements. I wonder how he's doing now.

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