Rape Memories

page views:1 Publication date:2023-03-24

In 2000, I was a sophomore in college, 22 years old, not exactly young, but I had never been in a relationship before, and didn't even know what love was.

I remember that year, during the National Day holiday, I planned to go to Qingdao to visit a classmate. One of my roommates was very close to me; her family was from Jinan. She said it was on her way and invited me to go to her house with her to visit and maybe even meet her boyfriend. I was so naive back then, thinking how lucky and wonderful girls were to have boyfriends, and I really wanted to see how other people got together. So, I went to her house with her. If it weren't for that classmate of hers showing up, I think everything would have been perfect!

Me, my roommate, her boyfriend, her sister, her mother, and I cooked and ate together, and it was really fun. Later, he arrived during dinner. He introduced himself as my roommate's classmate from kindergarten to high school. He hadn't gotten into university, so he studied at a local junior college for two years (my roommate repeated a year), and now he was working at the transportation bureau, doing very well!

Let me tell you about my roommate's place. It's a large courtyard house with two bedrooms and a living room. The toilet is outside, and they have a big, fierce dog there. I always have to go to the toilet with my roommate. It's just her, her sister, and her parents living in the two bedrooms, so there's no room for me. But she told me in the dorm that she could take me to her grandma's house. I'm easygoing and don't really care about accommodations.

We talked about this during dinner, and her mother said, "After dinner, why don't you take your classmate to grandma's house?" He, let's call him A, said, "Going to grandma's house isn't convenient, and the conditions aren't good. My house is big; you can come to my house. I have many guest rooms." I looked at my roommate, and she looked at me, saying her house was better, without the big dog, so I could sleep comfortably by myself. I think she meant, "Go ahead, go ahead." I didn't say anything, just smiled and said, "It's okay, I'll go." The reasons I considered going were:

First, they were childhood friends, and if he were a bad person, my roommate wouldn't have agreed to let me go.

Second, I didn't really want to stay at her grandma's house (that was also my thought at the time; if there was a better place, I thought I could avoid going to her grandma's). Third, he was tall and had a sunny disposition (this is all the truth; if he looked creepy, I probably wouldn't have gone, that's what I thought at the time). Besides, aren't Shandong people generally honest and kind? In my mind, people like him wouldn't be bad, and he was only saying that to help his classmate. (I don't know why my roommate didn't go with me; I really forgot. In the end, it was just the two of us.) Hearing me say this, my roommate's mother nudged her daughter, glanced at me, and didn't say anything. (This is something I only remembered later.) After dinner, A took me home on his motorcycle, but we didn't go straight home. He took me to see many places in Jinan. Finally, we sat on a grassy area near his house for a while. He was smoking and didn't say much. Then he told me that he really liked an online friend who lived far away and wanted to meet her. I said, "If you like her, go for it." This made me think he was a kind and loyal person, and I became even less wary. In the end, he took me to his house. His parents opened the door (at that point, I had no more guard up at all; his parents were home, who would have thought something like this would happen?). Then he went back to sleep. He took me upstairs to his bedroom. I stood there with my bag and asked him to take me to the guest room. He said, "You can stay in my room; I'll go to the guest room. My room is bigger." I didn't say anything. After he left, I changed into my pajamas and went to take a shower. When I came back, I saw him looking for something in the room. I asked him what he was looking for, and he said he wanted to show me his photo album. We sat on the bed and looked at it together. I was really tired, after a train ride of over ten hours, I had no energy left. I tossed and turned a couple of times and said I wanted to sleep.

He didn't say anything and just left. I lay down and drifted off to sleep, feeling groggy. Unexpectedly, he came back in an hour later. I remember locking the door (I really remember locking it; when I saw him out, I closed the door and pressed the button on the back). He brought two bottles of Coke with straws. He said he couldn't sleep and asked if I could talk to him.

I reluctantly sat up and asked what we should talk about. He told me about his relationship problems, then handed me a Coke, asking if I was thirsty. I naturally took it, drank a few sips, and leaned back on the bed. He sat opposite me, talking and talking, but I couldn't seem to hear him. I became increasingly confused, and my head was spinning. Even now, I still wonder if there's a drug that, when taken, doesn't cause loss of consciousness but causes loss of strength?

The moment he sat down next to me, I knew what was going to happen. Although I'd never been in a relationship and never knew what sex was, I knew what was going to happen. He started to undress me. It was very gentle, or you could say very tender, if that's the word you'd use to describe a rapist. I was so anxious. I said, "No, no, no! Don't!" But my voice was too soft, and I tried to push him away, but I was too weak. Even now, as I write this, I can still feel that powerlessness. It was like having a nightmare, wanting to wake up but unable to.

By the way, I was menstruating at the time, I think it lasted three or two days, more than two years ago, so I don't really remember. He knew when he got down to my underwear. He didn't take it off completely, and I was so glad.

He saw I was menstruating and didn't take off my underwear, but he stripped naked and hugged me.

I was conscious, but I had no strength, though I could still move and speak. I screamed and tried to push him away with all my might, but to him, it only excited him more (I only realized this later). I don't know if his parents heard me, but later I heard from my roommate's mother that he often changed girlfriends and brought girls home to stay overnight. No wonder his parents looked so indifferent when they saw me. Even if they heard the sounds, they just thought we were flirting.

I said, "Please don't do this. I'm on my period, didn't you see? People say even rabbits don't eat the grass near their burrows. I'm your classmate's good friend, how can you be worse than an animal?"

He didn't seem to listen, he just kept touching and kissing my breasts. It felt like a million spiders crawling all over me. I really can't describe how I felt at that moment, I was ashamed, angry, and anxious. One moment I was cursing him with every word I could think of, the next I was begging him. I said, "Please don't do this, I've never been in a relationship before, how can I face anyone like this!" Unexpectedly, when he heard this, he pulled down my underwear.

He forced himself on me despite my period. You probably will never imagine that feeling, but I really can't describe it. My stomach hurt, and my lower body hurt even more. About ten minutes later, or even less, I fainted and knew nothing more.

When I woke up, I found myself lying there, the sheets covered in blood. The blood makes me dizzy and nauseous at the sight of anything red. I was only wearing my underwear, just my underwear, and I was still very weak. Even the slightest movement was painful. I don't know if this will leave any lasting effects. Later, I looked it up in a book and read that menstruation and intercourse are also bad for men. But why did this happen to him?

It wasn't until dawn that I regained my strength. I got dressed and slowly walked out, not quickly, my legs were very sore. His family was having breakfast. They looked at me with indifference, which made me feel even more heartbroken. I opened the door and left without even saying goodbye. I didn't go to my roommate's place. I went straight to the station, bought a ticket, and waited for the train back to school.

Back at school, I spent two or three hours in the public bathhouse, crying as I washed. I didn't dare cry in the dorm; I was afraid people would ask what was wrong. Only in the public bathhouse, where no one knew me, could I shed a few tears!

For the next week or so, every time I closed my eyes, I saw a large red patch. I felt terrible and just spaced out in class. My roommate's boyfriend came all the way from Zhengzhou (he was studying at Zhengzhou University at the time) to see me; A told them about it. They went to look for me that morning but couldn't find me, so A told them. My roommate later told me she never expected A to change so much; working at the transportation bureau, she had power and knew all sorts of people. She even apologized to me, but an apology felt so insignificant to me. Before this, I was very healthy; my periods were never painful. But after that, I had painful periods every time. And I was terrified when my period came. It was probably just psychological.

[The End]

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