Is a "37-degree marriage" the longest-lasting?

page views:1 Publication date:2023-04-09

A perfect and lasting marriage should be like a warm pot of essential oil. The base note is mellow and rich love, blended with respect, understanding, and tolerance, and adorned with countless tender moments, exuding a fragrant aroma.
Professor Wei-Jen Huang of Northwestern University's School of Medicine is known as the "Dr. of Love." In his book, *The Secret to Living in Love*, he points out that the different perceptions of marriage between men and women lead to different levels of marital satisfaction. Often, when a husband rates his marital satisfaction at 7 out of 10, the wife only gives it 2. This is known as the "temperature difference" in marriage. "Those who want to maintain their marriage need a more objective understanding of its current state. Taking a temperature reading of the marriage is a good method."
Just like human body temperature, the ideal temperature for a marriage should be around 37 degrees Celsius. Huang Weiren pointed out that such couples treat each other with respect and love. They laugh together on a daily basis, and although they may argue when they disagree, they always find ways to understand each other and resolve conflicts in a reasonable manner.
Everyone desires a passionate and intense love, but if marriage is constantly at a feverish high, it can easily "overheat" and burn both partners. Huang Weiren believes that some couples are always head-on, both strong-willed and outspoken, their arguments becoming increasingly heated and loud. When emotions run high, people inevitably say hurtful things, and without timely explanation and communication afterward, it can easily damage a partner's self-esteem. Some wives are too clingy, treating their husbands as "possessors," wanting to be with them every day, demanding to know their every move, and keeping the marriage constantly heated. This dependent mentality precisely indicates that the wife is emotionally empty or immature; they want their partner to accept them unconditionally at all times and put them first. However, in the adult world, forcing one's partner to satisfy one's psychological needs in any way is unworkable.
Sometimes, the temperature of a marriage can drop to freezing point. In such marriages, the couple will avoid conflict for a long time, fail to communicate when problems arise, and their resentment will deepen until they become "as cold as ice." There is an old Chinese saying, "Nothing is more sorrowful than a dead heart." Couples avoid conflict because it brings pain to both parties. But if this continues, it will take a tremendous amount of effort to heal the marriage.
Therefore, to maintain a perfect marital atmosphere, learning and being good at communication is paramount. Huang Weiren believes that communication is about expressing one's own thoughts and understanding the other person's thoughts, not about negation or personal attacks. For example, if the husband is going out for social events and the wife is unhappy, she can complain, "You've been going out a lot lately, and we haven't eaten together in a long time. I'm lonely." This is a complaint; the wife is simply stating the inconvenience caused by her husband's absence. However, if the wife angrily says, "You're always like this, only thinking about going out to have fun," then it becomes an accusation. To change a partner's overly clingy behavior, on the one hand, you should honestly tell your partner that you need independent space and social activities; an understanding partner will generally accept this. On the other hand, you might encourage them to cultivate their own hobbies and social circles.
Furthermore, a study by John Gutmann, a psychology professor at the University of Washington, found that men who help their wives with the dishes and express their feelings are more likely to have happier marriages and live longer. While the scientific reasons for this study are not yet fully understood, one thing is certain: if husbands can do these things and speak their minds freely, it will benefit their marriages.
What is your "marriage temperature"?
Want to know the "temperature" of your marriage? Take this quiz. Designed by Dr. Stanley, a psychologist at the University of Denver, it's widely recognized as the simplest and most effective "marriage thermometer." Please rate yourself against the eight conditions below.
1. A minor argument suddenly escalated into a major fight, with both sides hurling insults and dredging up old grievances.
2. My partner ignores my opinions, feelings, and needs.
3. My words or actions are often perceived by my partner as malicious.
4. When problems need to be solved, we always seem to be on the opposing side.
5. I can't naturally tell my partner my true thoughts and feelings.
6. I often fantasize about what it would be like to have a different lover.
7. I feel very lonely in my marriage.
8. When we argue, one of us always becomes unwilling to talk anymore and starts to avoid or leave the scene.
The scoring criteria are as follows: 1 point for each question if it "never" or "rarely happens"; 2 points for "occasionally happens"; and 3 points for "frequently happens". When you add up the scores for each question, if the total score is between 8 and 12, it indicates that your marriage is stable and healthy. If the total score is between 13 and 17, your marriage needs attention. If the total score exceeds 18, it indicates that your marriage needs immediate adjustment.

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Is a "37-degree marriage" the longest-lasting?

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