13 Absolute Jokes

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1. The donkey and the tiger
There was once a male donkey and a male tiger living in the mountains. Driven by extreme thirst, they had killed all the other animals in the mountain except for themselves. Later, having exhausted all their resources, the two came together. The tiger said, "Since there's nothing left to do, why don't we take turns doing it?"
Upon hearing this, the donkey thought, "Fine, I've got nothing else to do anyway," and said, "Alright, you're the king of beasts, you go first and take me down."
Upon hearing this, the tiger immediately took the plunge. To create the atmosphere, the donkey roared at the top of its lungs, its bellows echoing through the valley. The tiger had never heard such moans before, and it felt incredibly good...
After a while, the tiger finished, and it was the donkey's turn. Without a word, the donkey began to work hard, laboring for a long time with heavy, laborious movements. The tiger was still panting, but the donkey, unwilling to continue, finished quickly and, panting heavily, asked the tiger:
"Hey bro, this is so boring! When you were fucking me, I was screaming and moaning to match you, and you were having so much fun! But when it's my turn, why aren't you even breathing? It's so frustrating!"
Upon hearing this, the tiger's face lit up with tears of grievance, and it said:
"And you're still talking, brother? Tears are streaming down my face as I talk about it. I don't want to scream, but there's something stuck in my throat, I want to scream but I can't...!!!"
2. Russian women
The delegation arrived in Russia and, after checking into their hotel, watched a wonderful adult performance. The delegation leader thought the Russian dancers were very beautiful and took out 100 yuan to give to one of them.
The Russian woman glanced at the group leader and said, "What do you take me for?"
The group leader then took out another 100 yuan.
Miss Russia: Tonight I am yours.
The group leader then took out another 100 yuan.
The Russian woman smiled and said: I want to have a child for you.
The group leader took out another 100 yuan.
The Russian woman glanced around nervously and whispered to the group leader: "How many of you are there?"
3. A young woman having an extramarital affair
"The passion of our honeymoon has faded," A complained to B.
"Why not do something exciting, like an extramarital affair?" B suggested to A.
What if my wife finds out?
"What era are we living in? Just tell her directly."
So A returned home and said to his wife, "Honey, I think an affair will make us love each other more." "Give up that foolish idea."
The wife said, "I've already tried it—it doesn't work at all!"
4. The result of the eunuch eavesdropping on the emperor and empress making love.
A newly arrived eunuch, fearing he might miss the Emperor's orders if he fell asleep, and also worried about interrupting the Emperor and Empress's intimate moment, took it upon himself to hide under the bed. He was discovered the next morning…
The Emperor said, "You good-for-nothing servant, how many hours have you been under my bed?"
The eunuch knelt down and replied, "Your Majesty, this servant stayed under the bed until dawn."
The Emperor: "What did you hear?"
Eunuch: "At the first watch of the night, you and the Empress were admiring paintings."
The Emperor: "What do you mean by that?"
Eunuch: "I heard from you and Her Majesty that you want me to see your beautiful breasts."
The Emperor: "Is it the second watch of the night?"
Eunuch: "It's the second watch of the night, and it seems you've fallen to the ground."
The Emperor: "What do you mean by that?"
Eunuch: "Her Majesty said: Come up here quickly!"
The Emperor: "Is it the third watch of the night?"
Eunuch: "You look like you're eating crabs."
The Emperor: "What do you mean by that?"
Eunuch: "Listen to me: Spread your legs!"
The Emperor: "Is it the fourth watch of the night?"
Eunuch: "It seems your mother-in-law has arrived around four in the morning."
The Emperor: "What do you mean by that?"
Eunuch: "This servant heard Her Majesty shout loudly: 'Oh my god! Oh my god!!!'"
The Emperor: "What about the fifth watch of the night?"
Eunuch: "You and the Empress are playing chess."
The Emperor: "What do you mean by that?"
Eunuch: "This servant heard Her Majesty say: One more shot! One more shot!!!"
5. It's too late.
A man suffered from severe stuttering, always stammering when speaking. One day, his wife couldn't stand his stuttering any longer and urged him to see a doctor. At the hospital, after registering, the doctor called him in and he said, "Doctor...you...can...you...cure...my...stuttering..." After a thorough examination, the doctor said, "The cause of your stuttering is that your penis is too large, a full forty centimeters. If you want to cure your stuttering, you must have surgery to remove fifteen centimeters." To cure his annoying stutter, he underwent surgery and had fifteen centimeters removed.
After the surgery, his stammering disappeared, and he spoke fluently again, so he happily went home. His wife was also very happy to see that his stammering was cured. However, that night, after they made love, his wife felt very unsatisfied and said to him: "I think you were better off the way you were before. Go ask the doctor to fix it for you again tomorrow!"
The next day, he went to the hospital again. When he saw the doctor, he said, "Doctor, please perform another surgery. I want to restore my penis to its original state." The doctor replied, "It's...too late..."
6. Teacher's b
A female teacher was teaching her students to read the English alphabet: "a, b, c..." She noticed one student wasn't reading it. The teacher asked him why, and the student said, "My mom told me that 'b' is a bad word, it's an insult." The teacher explained, "Your mom's 'b' and the teacher's 'b' are different. Your mom's 'b' is an insult, the teacher's 'b' is used by foreigners."
7. A reporter interviewed 100 penguins about what they did in a day. The first penguin said: "Eat, sleep, and kiss." The second penguin said: "Eat, sleep, and kiss." This continued for 99 penguins. When the 100th penguin said: "Eat and sleep," the reporter asked: "Why don't you kiss?" The penguin replied: "I just kiss, you son of a bitch!"
8. After raping a gray wolf, a white rabbit ran away. The wolf, enraged, gave chase. The rabbit smeared itself with dirt to disguise itself as a gray rabbit, put on glasses, and read a newspaper. The wolf asked, "Have you seen a white rabbit?" The rabbit replied, "Is it the white rabbit that raped the wolf?" The wolf, embarrassed, exclaimed, "Damn, it's already in the newspaper?"
9. A woman couldn't get married because of her small breasts. One day, on a blind date, she asked the man, "My breasts are small, do you mind?" The man replied, "Are they as big as steamed buns?" The woman said yes! On their wedding night, the man rushed out of the bridal chamber, knelt down, and cried out to the heavens, "My God, they're like Wangzai steamed buns!"
10. A man took off his shirt to show his girlfriend his biceps, saying, "This is equivalent to 50 kilograms of explosives." Then he took off his pants, pointed to his thighs, and said, "This is equivalent to 100 kilograms of explosives." He then took off his underwear. His girlfriend ran out the door screaming, "My God! The fuse is so short!"
11. A man from a poor family couldn't afford underwear for his wedding, so his mother made him a pair out of a rice sack. On their wedding night, when he took off his underwear, his wife fainted on the spot. The underwear had the following written on the front: Net weight 25 kg, made in Thailand.
12. A baby was born in the delivery room and started laughing loudly. The nurses were very puzzled and gathered around to observe. They found the baby's fists were clenched tightly. When they pried them open, they found a birth control pill. The baby laughed and said, "Trying to kill me? Not so easy!"

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