A collection of classic jokes from the Three Kingdoms period

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Collection of classic jokes from the Three Kingdoms period
You may have seen some of them, but you definitely haven't seen them all.
If you have any more classic Three Kingdoms jokes, please share them; I'll keep updating them.
Dong Zhuo's Four Ideals:
Lu Bu calls him "Dad" all day long, while Wang Yun is long gone.
If Diao Chan doesn't act in Infernal Affairs, the people of the Central Plains will laugh at me.
Cao Cao's Four Ideals:
All the people under heaven bear the surname Cao, and the army is more than we need.
Liu Bei will no longer contradict, and Zhuge Liang will become a fool tomorrow.
Sun Quan's Four Ideals:
Da Qiao will stop bothering me; if Cao Cao comes again, I'll burn him.
Guan Yu will die tomorrow, and Jingzhou will be back in my arms.
Liu Bei's Four Ideals:
Everyone in the world says I'm good, and Liu Shan no longer acts foolishly.
Emperor Xian issued a blood edict every day, ordering me to raise an army and defeat Cao Cao.
Zhuge Liang's Four Ideals:
My wife smiles in her dreams after getting plastic surgery; to look cool, she waves a feather fan.
Wei Yan's rebellious nature was constantly undermined, and Sima Yi was transformed into a monstrous monster.
Guan Yu's Four Ideals:
All the mighty generals of the world fall to my blade; Sun Quan and Lü Meng are imprisoned by me.
I laughed at Zhuge Liang, but he still wants his elder brother to restore the Han Dynasty.
Zhou Yu's Four Ideals:
I rode Kongming on my back, and Cao Ren broke his back while drawing his bow.
Mengde suffered misfortune and was forced to flee to the outpost; the emperor sent me to lead troops to suppress him.
Zhang Fei's Four Ideals:
Everyone in the Three Kingdoms period was a fool; Cao Cao ran away when he saw me.
Ma Chao will grow old tomorrow; his son is a good-for-nothing.
Yang Xiu's ideal:
Cao Cao will fall ill tomorrow, and Cao Pi will go to offer sacrifices to Guan Yu's sword.
Cao Zhi immediately put on his dragon robe and each person ate a piece of steamed rice cake.
Ma Chao's ideal:
Cao Cao's body lay scattered in the wilderness, and I drove Zhang Fei away.
My son is even more outstanding than me; he can still serve the country even in his old age.
Xu Shu's ideal:
Though my body is in the Central Plains, my heart is with Han; as long as Cao Cao's camp can provide me with food.
The whole scheme couldn't possibly escape my notice, but I'm just not going to say anything!
Zhao Yun's ideal:
I regret taking Dou in my arms back then; I will never take Dou in again.
Ten years younger, I served my country; I once again displayed the pride of Changban.
Jiang Gan's Four Ideals:
I convinced Zhou Yu, and the Prime Minister praised me, saying I smiled even in my dreams.
May the wronged souls of Cai and Zhang spare me, and may you ascend to paradise soon.
Emperor Xian's ideal:
Xiao Cao went north to fight the Xiongnu; Sun Wu went to sea to destroy Japan;
Liu Bei went south to capture the barbarians; I have Diao Chan and Qiao!
Zeng's four ideals:
The two Qiao sisters were disfigured, and Diao Chan jumped into the river early on.
Of all the beauties in the world, I alone am proud; Cao Pi knocks on my door every night.
Classic jokes from the Three Kingdoms period (2)!!!
In the straw boat—
Lu Su: "Will this really allow us to borrow arrows, Mr. Kongming?"
Zhuge Liang: "Trust me."
Lu Su: "But I'm still a little worried..."
Zhuge Liang: "There's no need."
Lu Su: "But don't you feel it's getting hotter and hotter inside the boat?"
Zhuge Liang: "Now that you mention it, there is something amiss... Is there something wrong?" Lu Su: "Yes, I'm worried the enemy is firing fire arrows..."
Zhuge Liang: "Hey!? Zijing~~ Can you swim~~~ I can't~~~"
Soldiers: "Thirsty...thirsty..."
Cao Cao: "Everyone, hold on a little longer! I've been here before, and I remember there's a plum grove nearby. We should be there soon!"
Soldiers: "Oh~~~~ We get plums to eat~~~ Oh~~~" Half an hour later—
Cao Ren: "My lord! The expedition team has found a large water source!"
Cao Cao: "Hahaha, did everyone hear that? Finally, we have water to drink!"
The soldiers: "No... We must find Meizi..."
One year later—
After a long day in the fields, Cao* and his sons walked in the sunset, carrying hoes...
Cao Cao: "Pi'er, to be honest, am I a failure?"
Cao Pi: "I've told you so many times, it's not your fault at all..."
Central Command Tent —
Zhuge Liang (puts on his glasses, opens the roll call book): "Zhang Yimou!" The generals: "……………………"
Zhuge Liang (adjusting his glasses and carefully examining the attendance register): "Where is Zhang Yimou!"
The generals: "……………………"
Wei Yan: "The strategist...it should be Zhang Yide, right? It's Zhang Yide..." Zhuge Liang: "………………"
Zhuge Liang disliked Wei Yan throughout his life and secretly instructed Ma Dai to assassinate him before his death.
Changbanpo —
Cao Hong: "Prime Minister, look! That enemy general has returned!"
Xiahou Dun: "This is the seventh time today, isn't he tired?"
Cao Cao: "Damn it... Do they really have to kill all my men before they'll stop?!"
Zhao Yun, fighting fiercely amidst the chaos of battle: "That damn Zhang Fei! He made me cover the rear but didn't give me a map~~~ Where on earth is Changban Bridge?!"
Zhou Yu: "Since Heaven gave birth to Zhou Yu, why did it also give birth to Zhuge Liang? Since Heaven gave birth to Zhou Yu, why did it also give birth to Zhuge Liang?"
Reader: "Are you kidding me?! How could the Grand Commander of the Three Armies of Eastern Wu utter such petty words on his deathbed?!"
Luo Guanzhong: "Petty, huh?"
Thus, in some lost versions of the Three Kingdoms story, Zhou Yu, on his deathbed, shouted, "Eighteen years from now... I'll still be a hero!"
Jiang Wei: "Teacher, I'm back! Today I bought celery for three coins a cartload and rice for four coins five bushels... Huh? Why are there seven lamps lit in the room? Lamp oil is very expensive now, and the army's food and oil subsidies don't include kerosene... What!? They're going to burn for three days and three nights! And they're not allowed to turn them off? Are you trying to kill yourself!? Wow~ Look how big that middle one is~~ Turn it off quickly. Okay, look, one lamp is already very bright~~ :) Oh right, what were you trying to say to me, teacher?"
A superstar has fallen...
Cao Cao: "Chicken rib! Chicken rib!"
Yang Xiu: "Here it comes! Prime Minister, please enjoy your meal."
Cao Cao: "Push...push him out and kill him!"
Cao Pi: "Cao Zhi! If you can't compose a poem in seven steps, I'll kill you! Hey, did you hear me? Stop right there! Don't go anywhere! I'm talking to you, come back here!"
—When an older brother has a younger brother who is spoiled by his father, he usually loses face.
Zhang Fei: "You old thief, don't you dare run away!"
Yan Yan: "Ring-eyed thief! Dismount and prepare to die!"
Police car: "Listen up, you two thieves! You're surrounded! Drop your weapons..."
Sun Shangxiang: "It's Ding Feng and Xu Sheng's men! My brother must have sent them to hunt us down! What should we do, husband?"
Liu Bei: "Oh, when we left Jingzhou, the strategist gave us three brocade pouches. We've already used two. Now it's time to use the third one. Zilong, open the pouch!"
Zhao Yun: "Yes. (Opens) Oh? Inside is a blue bodysuit and a red cloak?!"
Liu Bei: "Could it be..."
Zhao Yun: "There's also a note... 'Become a superman, and you can repel enemy troops'..."
The Marquis of Wu's Mansion in Jiangdong —
Liu Bei: "Heaven above, earth below, if Liu Bei can return to Jingzhou and achieve hegemony, I will cleave this stone in two with a single sword stroke!"
"Ka!" Stone breaks—
Sun Quan: "Uncle, what are you doing?"
Liu Bei: "Hmm... Oh, I just consulted the oracle, and it said that if I could defeat Cao Cao and revive the Han dynasty, my sword would cut through rocks. And it really came true! Hahahaha~~~~"
Sun Quan: "Don't play dumb with me! You chopped down our rockery and you act like nothing happened?!"
Soldier: "Report! General Guan has slain an enemy general and captured the flag, returning victorious!" Liu Bei: "So brave! Awooo!"
Zhang Fei: "You've got some skills! Glug glug..."
Guan Yu: "Brother, I'm back~~~~"
Liu Bei: "Um, sorry, my third brother and I have already eaten all of our lunch ^^;;"
Guan Yu: "-_-bb..."
One year later, at Hulao Pass—
Li Ru: "Prime Minister! A burly man with a red face stormed into the formation, beheaded General Hua, and ran away like the wind!"
Dong Zhuo: "Uh!! So ruthless!?"
Allied factions—
Liu Bei: "Guan Yu's movements have been getting faster and faster lately..."
Zhang Fei: "Hmm, the wine is still warm..."
Guan Yu: "Awoo awoo~~~ Glug glug~~~"
Sima Hui: "Ah!"
Liu Bei: "Sir, what's wrong?"
Sima Hui: "Your Excellency's mount seems to be the legendary ominous horse 'Dilu'. If you do not abandon it, you will surely suffer harm in the future."
Liu Bei: "Thank you for the reminder, sir, but I don't believe in superstitions."
After Liu Bei left—
Linzhi: "Dad, did you get the little white horse I wanted yet?"
Sima Hui: "Don't rush~~"
Zhao Yun: "Is anyone home? Have you seen my lord...?" Sima Hui: "Huh? General, your mount looks like the legendary fierce horse 'Dilu'..."
Zhuge Liang's letter: Pang Tong, you must not attack.
Pang Tong: Damn you, Kongming! I never intended to attack. Now look what's happened! If I don't attack, everyone will say he's a brilliant strategist, and the credit will go to him... I have no choice but to attack!
刘备：副军师，我的马借你。
(一小时後……)
士兵：不好了！副军师中乱箭死了！
刘备：多少支？
士兵：1000多支。
刘备：赚到了，真好。比草船借箭好用。
司马师：父亲，孔明城门大开，要不要派人进去瞧瞧？
司马昭：还是说要将此城围住？
司马懿：……
司马师：父亲不说话就是有伏兵了，撤退！
司马懿：……
诸葛亮：司马懿走了没？
士兵：他的军队是走了，可是司马懿正在随著丞相的琴声跳舞呢！
诸葛亮：……(可怕的仲达)
马超：穿红袍的人是曹操！
曹操：糟了！(当场撕下红袍)
马超：胡子长的人是曹操！
曹操：糟了！(当场剪下胡子)
马超：胡子短的人是曹操！
曹操：糟了！(当场贴上胡子)
马超：有头的人是曹操！
曹操：……(想唬我呀？)
三国经典笑话（4）！！！
1、想关羽
曹操潼关战马超，割须弃袍大败而归，因此在大帐中不停的叹气。
张辽：“丞相，你叹什么气啊？”
“哎！”曹操：“我在想，如果关羽还在我手下就好了。”
“是啊！”张辽点点头，说道：“若有云长在此，定能斩马超于马下。”
“我倒不是这个意思。”曹操捋了捋只剩下半截的胡子，道：“今天马超喊‘长胡须的是曹操，抓长胡须的曹操’，要是关羽在的话......他的胡子比我长多了，我还用得着这么惨吗？”
2、甘露寺
吴国太：“人言刘皇叔长的奇丑无比，看来全是胡说，仲谋你看，刘皇叔竟长得如此英俊潇洒，威武雄壮，简直是当世的美男子......”
孙权：“母亲，你看错了，那是刘备的部将常山赵云赵子龙。旁边那个才是刘备。”
“啊？”吴国太：“那这样一看，刘备还真是长得很丑。”
（早叫你刘备相亲的时候不要带赵云这种小白脸，带张飞去不就行了，保证衬托出你的“英俊”。）
3、穷刘备
孙尚香拽着刘备的耳朵，问道：“你是不是说过：兄弟如手足，妻子如衣服。你把我当什么？”
刘备：“夫人，不要生气吗。因为我当时穷，没想到将来还能有新衣服。”（过去穷人家，一辈子也就一两件衣服。）
4、老黄忠
关羽兵取长沙，太守韩玄派老将黄忠出战，两人大战数十回合不分胜负，突然黄忠马失前蹄，败下阵来。
韩玄：“为什么会输？”
黄忠：“我忘了喂马，没办法，年纪大了总爱忘点事儿。”
韩玄将自己的马让与黄忠，并命他箭射关羽，黄忠仍然无功而返。
韩玄努道：“为什么不放箭？”
黄忠：“我又忘了带箭了，没办法，年纪大了总爱忘点事儿......”
韩玄大怒，道：“你这老糊涂，我留你何用，拉下去砍了！”
黄忠：“等一等，我还有一件很重要的事要告诉你！”
韩玄：“快说！”
黄忠：“嗯......好像......大概是......我又忘了。”
韩玄：“气死我了，快把他拉下去，斩首！”
魏延：“韩玄你残暴不仁，轻贤慢士，拿命来！”
黄忠：“对了，我想起来了。韩大人，我想说的就是魏延早就想杀你了，要小心呐！”
韩玄：“啊......”
5、庞德抬榇战关羽的真相
士兵甲：“我们庞将军干嘛要抬着口棺材去打仗。”
士兵乙：“你还不知道吗？庞将军已经当了xx棺材连锁店的形象代言人了。”（明星做广告，切忌注意自己形象，不要给钱就干。）
6、空城计
司马师：“父亲，诸葛亮的琴声太难听了，我受不了了。”
司马懿：“七煞琴音！没想到诸葛亮居然是六指琴魔的传人，赶快撤军！”（武侠小说看多了吧？）
7、王朗之死
诸葛亮：“......汝即日将归于九泉之下，何面目见二十四帝乎！老贼速退！可教反臣与吾共决胜负！”
“诸葛村夫！欺我太慎。”王朗气得七窍生烟，忙喊道：“快拿我的速效保心丸来！”
随从：“来了，大人慢用。”
“吃完药再和你吵。”王朗一口气吃了整整一瓶药，正想接着和诸葛亮对骂，突然口吐鲜血死于马下。
后经专家鉴定，死因是服用了大量的劣质假药，导致药物中毒，然而生产假药的厂家却是曹氏集团旗下的长安制药三厂，为掩盖事实，魏国政府最后宣称：大魏司徒王朗，在祁山前线被诸葛亮“骂”死。
8、单刀赴会
鲁肃宴请关羽，关云长未带兵马，单刀赴会，酒过三巡后。
鲁肃：“关君侯，这荆州......”
关羽：“没......没问题！不就是几......几座城池吗，我老关一......一句话的事儿。”
“那就多谢了！这点小意思不成敬意！”鲁肃连忙往关羽口袋里塞红包，临走还亲自把关羽送上小船。
几天后，荆州。
鲁肃：“君侯，你上次不是答应还荆州了吗？怎么能言而无信呢！”
关羽：“靠！我喝醉酒说的话你也信？”（记住不要在酒桌上谈重要的事）
9、七擒孟获
诸葛亮：“孟获你已经七次遭擒，为何还是不降？”
孟获：“下次，下次您在抓住我，我准投降。”
诸葛亮：“为什么一定要下次？”
孟获：“下次就凑满八次了，八就是“发”，是我的幸运数字。”
诸葛亮当场厥倒。（对这种人没什么可说的，拉下去砍了就得了。）
10、斩颜良洙文丑
颜良：“来将通名！”
关羽：“......”
“什么？大声点！听不见！”颜良说着往前凑了几步。
关羽：“......”
“在大声点！还是听不清！”颜良说着又往前凑了凑。
关羽：“嗯！现在正好够的着。”说着手起刀落，斩颜良与马下。
一个月后，文丑：“来将何人？”
关羽故作神秘的说：“你知道，颜良是怎么死的吗？”
文丑：“噢？不知道。”
关羽：“近前来，我告诉你。”
文丑乖乖的凑过去，伸长了脖子问：“他是怎么死的？”
“就是这么死的！”关羽说着把青龙大刀一挥，只听“咔嚓”一声，世界清静了！
11、三顾茅庐
刘备：“我是来找诸葛先生的。”
小童：“有预约吗？”
刘备：“啊？没有。”
小童：“先生不在，下次再来。”
刘备无奈，只好过了几天二顾茅庐。
刘备：“诸葛先生在吗？”
小童：“有预约吗？”
刘备：“有，上次说好的，今天见诸葛先生。”
小童：“好，诸葛先生在里面，交50两银子咨询费，自己进去吧。”
刘备往里走，没见到诸葛亮，只见到了诸葛均，于是出来问小童，道：“我预约是见诸葛亮先生，他怎么会不在？”
小童数着银子，不慌不忙地说：“你只说见诸葛先生，我们这里诸葛先生多了去了，过几年你也可以称呼我为诸葛先生。”（小童是诸葛亮家的亲戚）
12、温酒斩华雄
曹操：“果然好伸手，此酒尚温。”
关羽：“靠！我就是嫌酒太烫，我都砍了一个了，这酒还没凉，算了，出去再砍一个再说。”（原来关羽喜欢冰镇饮料）
13、七步诗
曹丕：“吾今限汝行三步吟诗一首，不然就拉出去斩首。”
曹植：“不行，太少了，十步！”
曹丕：“四步！”
曹植：“九步！”
曹丕：“五步！”
曹植：“八步！”
曹丕：“六步！”
曹植：“跳楼价，七步！”
曹丕：“成交！”
曹植：“好！煮豆燃豆萁，豆在釜中泣，本是同根生，相煎何太急！”（讨价还价这么长时间，早想好了。）
一天，刘、关、张和诸葛亮乘飞机旅游，飞机出事故了，飞机上只有三个降落伞，诸葛亮便说，我给你们三人出脑筋急转弯，答对的人有降落伞，他便问刘：你有几个鼻子？刘答：一个。又问张：你有几只眼睛？张答：两个。再问关：你有几根头发？关答不出来，刘、张和诸葛亮便背降落伞下去了，这次关侥幸没受伤。
又有一次，刘、关、张和诸葛亮又乘飞机旅游，飞机又出事故了，飞机上也只有三个降落伞，诸葛亮便说，我给你们三人出脑筋急转弯，答对的人有降落伞，他便问刘：天上有几个太阳？刘答：一个。又问张：天上有几个月亮？张答：一个。问关：天上有几个星星？关答不出来，刘、张和诸葛亮便又背降落伞下去了，这次关还是侥幸没受伤。
第三次飞机又出事故了，关说：这次不用你们问，我自已直接跳下去得了，关说完，打开飞机门跳了下去。刚跳下去，诸葛亮喊道：忘了告诉你，这次飞机上有四个降落伞。
貂蝉：“………………”
董卓：“………………”
Lu Bu: "I just want to hear one honest answer from you: which one do you love more, the two of us?"
Diao Chan: "………………"
Dong Zhuo: "………………"
Lü Bu: "Answer me!"
Dong Zhuo: "It's really hard to decide... I like them both..." Lü Bu: "Scumbag...!" — According to research, the first BL (Boys' Love) murder case in Chinese history occurred at the end of the Eastern Han Dynasty...

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A collection of classic jokes from the Three Kingdoms period

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