Latest hilarious humor

page views:1 Publication date:2022-04-26

1. Being shameless, if done well, is called having a strong mentality.
2. Please don't call me a loli, call me an old man's target. Please don't call me an older sister, call me a shota training tool.
3. Dad told me: There used to be a man in their village who sold fried dough sticks. He fried them so well that he couldn't bear to sell them and ate them himself; he fried them so badly that he couldn't sell them and ate them himself again.
4. When guests arrive for a happy occasion at home, they give me red envelopes. I take the red envelope and hold the guest's hand tightly, saying, "Oh, the red envelope is enough, why do you need to come over!"
5. The reason I can't find a boyfriend might be because God put my other half inside me, so I can take care of myself when I'm sick, run home by myself when it's raining and no one brings me an umbrella, fix computers, and change light bulbs—I'm like a god-like androgynous being… 6. In the pitch-black night, I grabbed a bottle of "Six God Floral Water" and sprayed it all over my body, from my feet up. When I sprayed it on my hands, I felt the smell was a bit off. I turned on the light and saw the words "Hair Setting Spray" on it! Suddenly, I felt my leg hair had become much sexier!
7. Damn it! Don't let me catch you! You bastard who leaves the toilet brush in the toilet and won't take it out in a dark bathroom!
8. At 2 AM, I finished watching anime and opened my bedroom door to get some fresh air. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Ah, the rainy night felt so good. Ugh, what's that smell? Raw meat—Aaaaaaaah!!! My mom, what are you doing?! Why did you cut up the chicken you bought this afternoon and hang it on the wind chimes by my door?! It's terrifying!
9. When I got home, I saw my dad standing on the balcony, lighting a cigarette, his brows furrowed, looking sadly at the dark clouds outside the window.
Me: Dad, what's wrong?
Dad: It's going to rain. (Takes a deep drag on his cigarette)
I:……
Dad: If it rains, your mom won't be able to go for a walk, and then she'll definitely lose all my Happy Beans.
10. When my aunt was little, my grandma asked her to buy tomatoes. My aunt went to the vegetable stall and bought a whole basket of them, but they were too heavy to carry back. When my grandma found her, she had already squatted by the roadside and eaten more than a dozen tomatoes. She said very proudly: "If I eat a few more, I can carry them!"
11. Once in high school, a reporter from the city newspaper visited to investigate what kind of school uniforms middle school students wanted. When asked what style of uniform he liked, one of my classmates pondered for a long time and said, "Like the Haier Brothers' uniforms..." 12. Our department head's daughter is adorable and has a fair complexion; she's a little over three years old. One day, I went for a drive with the department head and his family. His daughter was having fun with me when she suddenly said, "Uncle, let's get married!" Her mother laughed, and her father looked exasperated. I said helplessly, "I'm sorry, Uncle already has a girlfriend." The little girl then dramatically replied, "It's okay, I won't mind."
13. Me: If you're so capable, go ahead and stab me to death!
Husband: I'm afraid of getting oil splashed all over me!
Me: I'm internally injured...
14. When I was 15 or 16, I took my 5-year-old cousin out to play. During the Lunar New Year, we went to a fireworks store, and she promptly shouted, "Mommy, I want to buy this!" In my excitement, I momentarily lost my mind and replied, "Don't call me 'Mommy' in public!" Realizing my mistake, I yelled again, "Call me 'Sister'!" My cousin, with tears in her eyes, timidly called out, "Sister!" I still can't forget the look in the fireworks store owner's eyes… 15. I went to the supermarket to buy a drink. The normal price was 3 yuan. I tossed three large bills to the cashier and got up to leave. The cashier called out, "There's still two mao left!" I confidently replied, "It's your two mao!" Then I was dragged back, told it was for the refrigeration fee. Everyone in line behind me burst out laughing.
16. I just came out of the underground parking garage of Jianwai SOHO and realized I'd forgotten my wallet. Unable to pay the parking fee, I was stuck at the exit. A kind girl in the car behind me paid my 18 yuan parking fee and even gave me the 32 yuan change, saying, "If you go into another underground garage later, you might not see me again." I was so touched! But that wasn't the best part. Later, I asked the girl for her phone number so I could return the money, and she said, "I've already given you the money, so don't worry about me."
17. That day I was watching TV at home, and the program was about how to handle a child in danger. So, I decided to test my two-year-old son. I pretended to faint to see what he would do. "Mommy, Mommy, what's wrong?" my son cried, and pried open my eyes with his hands. "Mommy, are you really dead?" Then I waited for a while, but there was no sound. Through my squinting eyes, I saw my son counting the money in my wallet.
18. My friend recently got a Chihuahua. It's timid and barks incessantly at strangers. Once, when I visited my friend's house, the little dog kept barking at me from the moment I entered. Suddenly, it collapsed with a thud. My friend immediately ran over, patted it to help it catch its breath, and said, "Stop barking! It doesn't have enough lung capacity; it's barking itself unconscious!"
19. A colleague crawled under the desk, then screamed a moment later, "Oh no! I pressed the wrong button! I pressed the master switch for all the computer power strips!" Everyone was surprised: "But our computers are still on?!" The colleague's miserable voice came from under the desk: "I haven't even lifted my hand yet!" The whole office was silent for two seconds! "Shut down!! Shut down now!!!" "Save!!" "Hang in there, hang in there!!!"
20. A couple wanted to test their son's future career aspirations. They placed the following items in the living room: a book (scientist), banknotes (businessman), a picture of a beautiful woman (womanizer), and a bottle of Moutai liquor (alcoholic). They then hid behind the door and spied on him. When their son came home from school, he saw the items, looked around to make sure no one was watching, then slipped the banknotes into the book, pocketed the picture of the woman, picked up the liquor bottle, and casually went into his room. The couple exclaimed in surprise: "My goodness! This kid is going to be a politician!"

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