Sighs, small talk, a little humor, not too lewd

page views:1 Publication date:2022-05-28

1. The walls of school classrooms are rich with artifacts, bearing many "traces" from our predecessors. Today, I saw four sentences in the classroom, written in different notebooks, likely by four different people. These four sentences not only combine Chinese and English perfectly but also rhyme beautifully: "Life should be happy, why suffer in study? Find a lady and have a baby early." After reading this, I was deeply moved. These four predecessors saw things so clearly; I couldn't help but admire them immensely. So, I added a sentence to express my respect for them: You're all idiots.
2. After Alibaba went public, Jack Ma's net worth ranking skyrocketed, eventually making him the richest man in China. I was so shocked that I spent the whole afternoon checking. Finally, I breathed a sigh of relief; thankfully, my ranking wasn't affected! I can finally get a good night's sleep tonight and go back to work tomorrow!
3. On my way home from work, a car sped through a puddle, splashing me with mud and water. I couldn't help but secretly resolve that when I have money in the future, I must buy a waterproof suit.
4. The top news headlines these past two days have been four: Alibaba's IPO, Li Na's retirement, the failure of Scottish independence, and Faye Wong and Nicholas Tse's reunion. These respectively illustrate four points: an era began, an era ended, an era was just about to begin when it was ended, and an era that ended has begun anew.
5. Dong Zhuo invited Lü Bu and other trusted confidants to dinner, with Diao Chan accompanying them. To test their loyalty, Dong Zhuo ordered Diao Chan to blacken her breasts. Then, during the meal, he suddenly extinguished the candles, plunging everything into darkness! When the candles were relit shortly afterward, Dong Zhuo noticed that everyone's hands were black except for Lü Bu's! Dong Zhuo decided to reward Lü Bu! Lü Bu smiled happily, revealing his black teeth.
6. Last night, the boss treated us to dinner and ordered a lot of dishes, so everyone was full. There was a bowl of rice left over, so he asked my apprentice to eat it, saying not to waste food. That guy casually remarked, "If I choke to death, is that considered a work-related injury?"
7. Modern Women: Capable in both formal and domestic settings. They can write code and troubleshoot errors. They can kill malware, bypass firewalls, drive nice cars, and afford new houses. They can outmaneuver mistresses and fight off thugs. Modern Men: They can sleep on the floor and live in hallways. They can kneel on the keyboard and mend clothes. They can eat leftovers and pay for prescriptions. They can raise children and support women. They can endure loneliness and dare to be like the Big Bad Wolf.
8. I am a middle school entrance exam grader. One of the questions was about how to save resources. I saw a student's answer: "Use urine to flush poop." It was so eye-opening! I silently gave it full marks.
9. A good friend is someone who cares about your well-being, your basic needs, and your current situation. It's important to stay informed about your friends' activities and not miss any important information. That's why I especially want to know your bank card password!
10. My son was drawing, and I went over to him. "Son, what are you drawing?" "An eagle catching chicks." "You clearly drew chicks, so where's the eagle?" My son looked at me and said, "Oh, Na Ying went to The Voice of China."
11. Today, I excitedly told my instructor at the driving school, "I've been going to go-karts a lot these past few days to get a feel for driving." The instructor took a deep drag of his cigarette and said casually, "At least you have some brains. There was this girl who used to practice on bumper cars all the time. When I told her to put it in reverse, she just turned the steering wheel all the way around."
12. The fact that ID photos are generally taken poorly is actually a thoughtful design by the Ministry of Public Security, to help you keep them hidden and prevent them from being easily exposed, thus preventing loss.
13. I went to driving school yesterday. But my driving skills are so bad that my instructor told me to stop the car. He didn't mean to correct my mistakes; he just wanted to get out and throw up for a while!
14. A word of advice for all you glue enthusiasts: Never try to pull out the nails used to open 502 glue with your mouth! And here's something else: 502 glue has a slightly sweet taste!
15. Loser: Can I ask you to go to the movies with me tonight? Goddess: Of course! Loser: That's great! I really didn't expect you to agree. Did my sincerity move you? Goddess: Hehe, bro, can you put the knife down first?
16. Thankfully, the lights in the hallways are now voice-activated and light-activated. If they ever install a light that's only for aesthetic reasons, I might have to walk the whole way in complete darkness.
17. Before bed last night, I was chatting with my wife about having children. I asked her if she preferred a boy or a girl. She said, "If it's a girl, we'll both pamper her and dress her up beautifully. If it's a boy, we'll both beat him up together..."
18. When I was in college, my dad and I almost never talked on the phone. Then one day he called, and I was so excited when I answered, I said, "Dad, why did you suddenly think of calling me?" Dad replied, "Oh, it's you! Oh! Wrong number!" and then hung up…
19. Man: Honey, your clothes have a faint scent of your body, and the fabric is as white as mutton fat jade. Even with a few sweat stains, it doesn't affect the overall beauty at all. Plus, the workmanship is exquisite, it's absolutely perfect! Woman: Speak plainly! Man: Oh, honey, do you need to wash these clothes?
20. I asked a girl: "What kind of boy do you like when he smiles?" She said: "A boy who shines when he smiles." I thought to myself: "Are you fucking looking for Buddha?!"
21. Under the cover of darkness, a drug dealer and a crime boss were making a deal. The dealer took out a black leather suitcase, placed it on the table, and opened it to find it full of drugs. The dealer said to the boss, "Fair trade! Payment upon delivery!" The boss flew into a rage, pulled out a pistol, pointed it at the dealer, and fired while shouting, "You're the real slut!"
22. When I was a kid, my deskmate lent me a videotape. When I opened it, it said, "Those under 18 years of age should watch with their parents." So I quickly called my parents over. Later... I was bruised and battered for a whole week.
23. Actually, the idea of teaming up to fight monsters in online games originated from the Chinese classic novel *Journey to the West*: Tang Sanzang was responsible for luring monsters, Sun Wukong was responsible for killing them, Guanyin was responsible for healing them from the air, and Zhu Bajie and Sha Wujing followed behind, basking in the experience.
24. Lu Zhishen encountered Shi Jin while taking a walk and greeted him, "Shi, have you eaten?" Shi Jin angrily kicked Lu Zhishen, yelling, "You're the one who eats shit!!" Lu Zhishen stood up, dusted himself off, and asked, puzzled, "Shi Jin, what's wrong with you?" Shi Jin retreated dozens of meters, took a running start, and roared, "You're the one who told me to put in the effort!!!"
25. A young woman accidentally hit an elderly woman with her car. She quickly got out and asked, "Are you alright, ma'am?" The elderly woman got up and said, "Young lady, you're so sweet! I'm fine, you can go now!"
26. "If you got rabies, what would be the first thing you do?" "I need paper and a pen." "Write a will?" "No! Make a list of the people I want to bite."
27. Yu Ji said, "Your Majesty, I want to live." The King said, "But there are 100,000 troops outside. If they capture you..." Yu Ji replied, "I can endure 100,000 men, but I still want to live." The King cried, "100,000 troops, and what about the horses..." Yu Ji, with tears in her eyes, said, "Your Majesty, isn't there still you?"
28. We just got a new high-powered range hood from a certain brand. The suction is super strong. Today I was cooking, and I like to toss the pan, and damn, all the vegetable leaves got sucked up!
29. Today is my first day of class, and I'm actually a little excited! Should I sleep? Listen to music? Play on my phone? Or eat snacks? I'm so conflicted… Stop worrying, teacher, hurry up and start the lesson! get out of class is almost over!
30. The woman said to the man: You've gotten a tan! The man replied: That's to protect you secretly!

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