Ten Jokes: Mom, Mom, my breasts got squeezed to death by my older sister!

page views:1 Publication date:2022-06-05

1. Many things don't need explanation, just some background information. My aunt's child, my younger brother, is four years old. We have a kitten that my brother loves very much. Every time he comes to our house, he plays with the kitten and dotes on it. The kitten likes warm places and always runs into my bed.
The cat ran onto my bed as usual, and I played around with it. It crawled inside, but when it tried to come out, it crawled into the wrong place – inside my clothes! I unzipped the zipper to try and get it out. Just then, my younger brother came over and rushed into my room looking for the cat. He finally found it on my chest, but in the crotch… He immediately started crying, “Mommy! Mommy! My sister pinched Mimi to death…” I quickly got up and pulled the cat out from under my clothes. And then… the climax came… The cat’s paws got caught on my pants, and when I let go, it fell inside… His mother came in and saw me pulling a cat out of my crotch… I didn’t know how to explain…
2. Before I knew it, I had been in Germany for 11 years. From university to my master’s and doctoral degrees, and now to my work experience of over a year, I have basically adapted to the life and climate here.
That's right, I am the legendary female PhD in engineering.
The Mid-Autumn Festival is just two days away, and my husband and I have searched every supermarket within a 100-mile radius, but we can't find any ingredients to make mooncakes (our skills are too poor; we can only buy semi-finished products). The small Chinese supermarket we used to go to is also closed. It looks like we'll have to make do with scallion pancakes this Mid-Autumn Festival.
Although it's just a seasonal food, and you can eat it without it, I always feel a little empty inside if I don't have it.
Just now, my serious and taciturn husband said to me, "How about we brew a packet of Banlangen (Isatis root) and drink it? It tastes like home."
We were discussing returning to China a while ago; there's no place like home.
3. A few days ago I saw online that you can resolve all conversations with just two sentences: "None of your business" and "None of my business." I told my wife about it and immediately asked her to try it out for me.
She then said, "I'm pregnant."
Me: "You're ruthless for locking me up...locking me up!!!"
My wife is so talented, I can't handle it!
4. I'm 23 years old, and I still have a phobia of these two things:
One: Tiger Balm. Yes, one day my scrotum was incredibly itchy (I was still little then), and I saw the adults using Tiger Balm. Later, I secretly took it out, ran to the back hill to hide, and after making sure no one was around, I excitedly took out my penis, stylishly dripped a drop, and then sat on the ground and indulged in a good time…
Second: Super glue (502). I bought a basketball, and it was leaking air. On a whim, I decided to use super glue to seal the puncture hole. So, I inflated the basketball, took out the glue, stuck it into the puncture hole, and squeezed it in like crazy. After a few minutes, thinking it was dry, I pulled the glue out. Holy crap, it sprayed all over my face! My eyes felt like they were on fire, and I immediately started blinking frantically, but I still couldn't see clearly. I called a car and was taken to the hospital… After hearing my story… the doctor also tried to remove it.
5. There was an earthquake here yesterday. I was swinging a pipe when it happened—if I had died then…
6. I work at a private hospital and often encounter patients who come to see me for sexually transmitted diseases. One type, genital warts, requires a long period of continuous injections of topical corticosteroids.
I went shopping with a friend. I went into the supermarket, and he waited for me outside. When I came out, I saw him arguing with a man and a woman. (PS: The reason was that my friend was playing on his phone, and the man and woman bumped into him while playfully fighting, causing the woman to twist her ankle. So, the woman, taking advantage of her tall boyfriend, started arguing.) Seeing the situation was getting out of hand, I quickly ran over. But as soon as I got closer, the man saw me and immediately grabbed the woman, saying, "It's okay, it's just an accident, let's go." The woman was then dragged away. My friend looked at their backs, completely bewildered, then turned to me and said, "You're so damn domineering!" I smiled and called out to the man's retreating back, "Remember to get your shot tomorrow!"
So, a scene unfolded on the road: a man dragging a woman who was hopping on one leg along at breakneck speed.
7. As a seasoned hiker, I know that experienced hikers know to put sanitary napkins in their shoes before sleeping at night, so they'll have dry shoes to wear the next day. This morning, I took my two younger hikers—A and B—to the supermarket to buy food. On the way, I briefly shared some of my experiences, including the sanitary napkin thing. At the supermarket, I encouraged A to buy sanitary napkins, specifically the absorbent kind. A was very shy, and after hesitating for a long time, he approached a supermarket lady, whispered that he wanted to buy sanitary napkins, acting like he was meeting a drug dealer. The lady asked him which kind he wanted, and A hesitated for a long time before stammering, "Size 42..."
8. I just drove home when my wife called and said she wanted peaches. So I went looking for some, and after searching for a while, I found a fruit vendor on an electric scooter. I stopped by the roadside to ask the price, but because it was on a main road, I was afraid of the police, so I didn't dare get out of the car. I asked how much the peaches were; ten yuan for four jin (2 catties). I don't usually eat fruit, so I told the woman I wanted two jin. Okay, she weighed them and I paid, but I didn't dare get out of the car, so I let her pick them out for me. I picked six, and she said two jin was a bit too much, but she'd just give me two jin. I gave her ten yuan, and she gave me the change. As soon as she gave me the money and the peaches, she sped off. My first thought was that the city management officers had come, but when I came to my senses, I saw that all the peaches were rotten, the good side up. I threw them all away in a fit of anger. When I got home, I was thinking of buying a drink, and then I saw that the woman had given me five game tokens in change. Damn it! Giving me one, fine, but five?!
9. Tell me about the most unforgettable lesson I learned at military or police academy...
Our team members all came from reconnaissance companies in various military units. Due to the special nature of reconnaissance, our team was extremely strict about cell phone use. However, where there's a will, there's a way. We each had one, and we hid them very well—in corners, in the bathroom ceiling, all sorts of places. My bunkmate, Lan Cai, was a straightforward and outgoing guy with a great personality. He dared to challenge our instructor, Xu Sanduo, and within two or three days of arriving at the school, he had become one of the team's best friends. One night, we couldn't sleep and chatted: "Other teams have assistant instructors, why don't we?" He said, "We can't handle one Xu Sanduo (our instructor), let alone another one..." The next morning, during a prohibited search of our quarters, every cell phone in the team was confiscated, even mine, which I had hidden under my bed in the floor tiles. That night, after the whole team was punished, Instructor Sanduo said, "Today, let me introduce your assistant instructor..."... That's right, Lan Cai. After taking the stage, he said in an extremely sarcastic tone: "I heard you all come from the reconnaissance company...?!"
That kind of blatant betrayal.
Later I learned his nickname was Jackal (Cai Lan).

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Ten Jokes: Mom, Mom, my breasts got squeezed to death by my older sister!

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