Flowers in Winter - Chapter Five

page views:1 Publication date:2023-03-12 08:11:22

There's a saying that wine doesn't intoxicate people, people intoxicate themselves. I didn't drink any alcohol that day, but just now I felt like I was talking nonsense. Ordinary praises didn't seem to be enough, so I used these bold words.
More than ten minutes later, Guo Xueyan replied with a message: "Do you know how I felt when I saw your words?"
To be honest, I didn't know, but judging from the time it took her to reply, I guessed she was a little conflicted about my enthusiastic praise. I felt that if she had responded quickly, there would have been two possibilities: either she accepted it and felt pleased, or she felt I had gone too far. She took more than ten minutes to reply, so I think she was unsure how to react, or perhaps she wasn't even sure of her own attitude. Now, she's asking me to guess how she felt after seeing this, which I think means she already had her own opinion and is asking me in return.
I thought about it, and since she hadn't directly expressed her attitude, I decided to use what she had said before to steer the conversation in the direction I needed: "How does it feel? It must be a pleasant feeling."
Why is it a pleasant feeling?
"Isn't this what you said before? Anyway, it's a waste of my brainpower, but it'll make you happy."
"Okay, I did say that, but what were my true thoughts? What if I hadn't said that?"
I felt like Guo Xueyan was questioning me, asking whether she accepted or rejected my statement. I was momentarily at a loss. These were two separate questions: what did I think? What would I have said if she hadn't said it was a waste of my brainpower for her pleasure? After some consideration, I decided it was best to return to a simple, straightforward approach. At times like this, I felt it was better to be sincere and avoid trying to be clever. So, I honestly replied to both questions: "You asked what I thought. Actually, aside from how to express myself, I didn't think much. In other words, my opinion of you is exactly as I see it—I just say what I see, only thinking about how to organize my thoughts. As for the second question, what would I do if you hadn't said that? My attitude is similar to the first question—I say what I think."
"Have you considered whether I can accept your way of expressing it?"
"As I said, our acquaintance has no social basis and is purely accidental, so there is no conflict of interest. It is simply a matter of people's perceptions and opinions. What I say will neither bring me any benefit nor cause you any loss or harm. I don't need to consider these things. I will just express my thoughts as they are."
"Okay, I believe that's what you think, and what you said seems to make sense. We don't have any vested interests involved, so expressing our thoughts is probably less burdensome. Actually, I'm quite conflicted about what you said to me. First of all, as a woman, I'm naturally happy to be praised like that. Then, I feel a bit resistant. What you said was very specific and comprehensive, making me feel like you were scanning me from head to toe, which makes me very uncomfortable. Thirdly, through our interactions over this period, I believe that your opinion is genuine. Whether what you said is true or not, at least I believe that's what you think in your heart, and that's quite sincere. Finally, I don't know how to respond to you. I don't want to discourage you with a dismissive attitude, nor can I openly express a woman's vain joy. So I kept asking for your thoughts. Although I've said before that you're glib when you praised me, this time your answer felt very serious and your attitude was very sincere."
I carefully read Guo Xueyan's reply three times, pondering her thoughts. I think her acceptance of my way of expressing herself is about 50/50. Half of it is as I just considered: she neither immediately expressed joy nor immediately rejected it, feeling my words were a bit excessive. The other half is that, whether she accepts it or not is another matter, but at least she doesn't reject it. Perhaps I can use her words to push things forward: "Xueyan, I understand your thoughts and why you're conflicted. But you yourself said that as a woman, being praised like this is naturally very happy, and that's enough. You said you're quite easygoing, so just follow your own feelings and don't have so many psychological burdens. Look at me, as a man, how can I appreciate a woman like you? I'm sincere and say what I mean. Similarly, how can you, as a woman, view a man's appreciation with the same sincerity? That's enough."
Perhaps after this heart-to-heart talk, coupled with my patient reassurance, Guo Xueyan relaxed a little: "Although I can't completely agree with what you said, I really can't find a reason to reject it. Okay, like you said, just follow your true feelings. You know I'm pretty easygoing, but to be honest, I'm actually so conflicted this time."
Seeing her calm down, I relaxed too, but also felt a pang of anxiety. My compliments, from head to toe, were undeniably bold and even explicit. If she had quickly shown signs of rejection, it could have significantly hindered this positively progressing relationship. Following this topic, which also served as a starting point, I asked her, "Actually, I think you're beautiful and have a sexy figure. You've probably gotten used to being admired by men over the years, so why are you still so conflicted?"
This time, she didn't dwell on it or think I was talking nonsense: "Well, I know my own situation well, maybe it's alright. I have indeed noticed that men often stare at me. At first, I was quite disgusted, but over time I've become indifferent. Especially two times when I went out to eat with my husband, I saw his colleagues staring at me. The way they looked at me was unbelievable. I didn't dare to lift my head. And that's not all, they kept pestering me to drink. My husband was also only concerned with drinking with others and didn't protect me. When I complained to him when I got home, he seemed very proud. Actually, it doesn't hurt me if others look at me, so why am I so afraid? Later, I thought about it calmly, and perhaps what I dislike more is the lecherous state of those greasy older men."
As the conversation became more relaxed, I pressed on with this question: "So you mean you wouldn't be bothered if it weren't for that greasy, lecherous old man's attitude?"
She probably guessed I was talking about myself, and as the atmosphere became more relaxed again, she loosened up: "You still dare to say that? Let me tell you, other people just look and look, but no one has ever been as bold as you to say those things to me."
I became more and more relaxed: "It's not that those people don't want to talk, it's that they care about social relationships. That's why our relationship is so pure and without burdens. Can you compare that? Can you compare me to those lecherous, greasy old men?"
Guo Xueyan seemed to have caught up with my rhythm: "What you said is true, that's really how it is. People's words and actions are always subject to some social rules, otherwise it would be chaos. Of course I wouldn't compare you to those men, and you didn't mean any harm. I can understand your sincerity. Actually, well, how should I put it, it's a little embarrassing to say."
She seemed to have something to say but hesitated, as if she needed my encouragement to speak: "Look at you, we've already said that we can only speak freely because there are no work-related social entanglements or conflicts of interest. You're still stammering. Just say what you want to say, what's there to be embarrassed about?"
"Actually, since I'm going to be stared at anyway, I'd rather be with you than be repulsed by those lecherous, greasy old men." She then sent a shy emoji.
她这话说的我心花怒放，我感觉对于我的态度，她算是能放松接受了。对于刚才我那一番夸赞她多美的话，我假模假式的又进行了一番分析：「其实说实话，我刚才夸赞你的话，可能确实说的有点大胆露骨了，我不是没有考虑，但是我又觉得，一方面我扪心自问是真诚没有恶意的，一方面我又觉得似乎用语不给力，不足以形容和描述你的那种美。」
郭雪艳这时候反倒又宽慰起我来：「嗯，我知道你态度真诚，至于你的用词，我虽然只是教小学的语文老师，但我至少是正经上过大学中文系的，我理解你的意思。而且……哎，又不好意思说了。」
我看她这会真是有点说不上来的感觉，有那种羞涩，有那种可爱，总之这种状态还是比较让我受用，我还是怂恿她：「你真是，有什么就说什么，你理解我的意思，理解我说话大胆是为了表达到位，那你有什么就不能大胆的说出来么？」
「好吧，说就说吧，其实以我此刻的心态，再回头看你刚才发的那几句话，想到被一个优秀的年轻小伙这样赞美，心里……确实有些美滋滋的。」说完她又发了一个害羞的表情。
这就对了，似乎我找到了想要的感觉：「这就是么，有什么你就说出来，不然彼此造成误解。当然，能让你心里美滋滋的，我当然也很乐意很欣慰。人与人交往在一起，就是彼此增添高兴的东西，让这种愉快日积月累，感情也会日渐深厚。」我突然脑子里在想，其实真想让郭雪艳心灵和身体都得到愉悦，不过那都是后话了，两个人的关系到了这一步，不能有什么差错闪失。
能感觉到郭雪艳确实心里高兴：「嗯，你说的对，人与人之间就是能让彼此更多的开心，会让感情日渐深厚。至少我觉得你给我带来了开心，谢谢你。」
不知不觉我和郭雪艳已经聊到了十一点，宿舍里同学还在热火朝天打游戏，我的内心里热火朝天和郭雪艳聊天，她此刻一个人在家里独守空闺，我想起刚才她说的油腻老男人色眯眯看她的事情就问她：「你说那些油腻老男人色眯眯的看你，那你长的这么美，这些年是不是有些男人想打你的主意哦。」
郭雪艳没有否认：「也有过，不过性质类似，我看着就反感。」
她的这个回答能感觉完全是从内心的感觉出发的，而不是从家庭的角度考虑不能乱来，我在猜测如果不反感那是不是就跟对方搞在一起了。我接着问她：「那如果对方不让你反感，是不是就成了你的情人了？呵呵。」
她否认起来：「那也不是，反感不反感那是必要条件，不是充分条件，连好感都没有，更别说别的了，即便有了好感也不能乱来吧。」
我继续紧追不放这个问题：「那你说说看充分条件是什么，对方还要有什么条件才能让你就范？嘿嘿。」
「你看你说的，什么叫就范啊，充分条件嘛，别的不说，都是单身的话，那也没什么，不然搞的家庭散伙，那是得不偿失的。」
她之前曾经跟我谈到过这个问题，其实能感觉到，她也是有自己的一种渴望的，至少不是排斥，但是碍于社会影响和家庭原因，还是有所顾忌的。或许很多人都是有这样的顾忌，所以没有走出那一步，当然也有不少人没有这样的顾忌，还是走出去了。
我又借机夸赞郭雪艳：「你说的没错，你是个好女人，其实明明你条件还是很不错的，但是还是坚守着自己的底线。」
「其实我也不是那种保守的人，我认识的人有找情人什么的，我看人家也有好好没出什么事情，但是换成我来说，我不保证我像人家那样游刃有余，现在的家庭我总体是满意的，我没必要那样，而且人要为自己的行为承受代价，那种代价我觉得我承受不起。」
我想了想既是给自己贴金又是试探的说：「你说的确实没错，你这种态度和作风，是更加让人肃然起敬的。其实有个话，我也有点不好意思说。」
这时候我支支吾吾的卖关子，郭雪艳又怂恿我说：「你是怎么回事？你让我有什么想法大胆说出来别遮遮掩掩，你怎么又这样了？」
我稍稍进行了一下心理建设说：「其实我和你的想法差不多。」
郭雪艳感到奇怪：「你不是没结婚么，你单身哪来的那么多顾虑？」
我打算一鼓作气说完我的想法：「我说的和你想法差不多，意思是我对你的感观。你美丽迷人，我们又能交流了解的不错，如果不是你有家庭，我会因为迷恋上你而忍不住追求你。和你想法差不多就是，你有你的家庭顾虑和为社会影响担忧，我也顾虑你的家庭，你无法承受那样不好的后果，我也不想让你承受。」
郭雪艳第一反应不是评价我的这种态度，而是否定我的感情：「拉倒吧你，我都多少岁了，你还迷恋我，你真是奇怪的想法。」
我当然是否定她看这个问题的角度：「你看你又来了，又说什么年龄之类，我不是之前跟你说过么，我就是受不了小女生那种作，你也认可说我成熟跟你没有代沟，像同龄人一样，怎么又说年龄的事了。」
其实话说到这里，已经有些比较明白了，她应该能想到从感情的角度出发，我是对她中意的，但是碍于尊重她的家庭，没有去追求她什么的。只不过我把话说的稍稍打了一些折扣，我并没有说我现在就是那种心态，而是说因为迷恋上她之后怎么样，至少现在还不确定我是否迷恋上她。其实可能我说的又有些过头了，因为她如果看我有这种态度，也可能会躲着我疏远我，所以我努力的表达另一种态度，那就是也许我心里怎么样，但是实际上我出于对她的家庭顾虑的尊重，我不会乱来的，我想这样可以让她能安心一些。
不过她似乎还是纠结于年龄的问题：「我是说真的，这是两码事，我承认我们是在交流接触方面像同龄人一样，没有什么代沟，那跟两个人谈恋爱是不一样的，别说我有没有家庭了，就是我也单身，也无法理解接受你，所以除了家庭的约束，还有社会看法的影响，你看我跟你相差了将近二十岁，两个人谈恋爱，传出去不是成了笑话了嘛。」
其实她说的本身没有错，我也承认，但是对我心里那点小九九来说，都是一样。一方面她有家庭，我和她搞在一起只能偷偷摸摸；另一方面，即便她没有家庭，肯定也放不开，甚至会在意路人的眼光，在一起还是有些偷偷摸摸。对我来说都是偷偷摸摸，效果都是一样。但是此刻看她的话，好像就不是那么回事了，她似乎左右都更彻底到位一些。如果不是单身，就杜绝这种事情，因为要承担后果。如果是单身，就大大方方的在一起，但是因为这种年龄的悬殊，让她心里没办法大大方方的在一起，所以她持否定态度。
我还是想开导开导她：「我觉得你真是想多了，好像说的我已经在追求你了一样，我本来是说表达对你的尊重，所以不能乱来，你扯到什么年龄悬殊的爱情上面，你这两方面的态度就有偏差啊。你看你说婚外情，你就知道碍于家庭责任，不能乱来，你说没有扯年龄吧？说的是严重的后果问题。怎么一说到如果你单身，我追求你，你就说年龄了呢？好吧，我承认你是在乎社会舆论的看法，这还是需要承受一些看法的。那我们做一个对比，你说的搞婚外情会承担后果，没有家庭就没有社会后果。那我问你，假如对于这种年龄悬殊的男人，也没有什么社会舆论看法，大家都觉得很正常，你还会这样心事重重吗？」
我的意思表达的比较明确，我想郭雪艳明白我在说什么，这种问题她不一定轻易回答，捋一捋也是正常的，过了几分钟她回信息也基本上认可我的想法：「你这样说好像也是那么回事，就像古代说三贞九烈，女人一辈子结一次婚，哪怕丈夫早早死了，女人守一辈子寡，再嫁就被人看不起，现在的社会没有那种看法了。我明白说的意思，就像过去人们看待女子再婚一样，现在社会舆论还是在用有色眼镜看待老女人和小伙搞在一起。我知道你的意思，你就说如果没有这种有色眼镜，我是什么看法，对吧？」
看来郭雪艳很上道，经过我的类比，她也能举一反三，我告诉她就是这个问题，问她怎么看。兴许是聊的很开了，她好像也不再藏着掖着了：「如果是那样的话，抛过社会舆论不讲，像你这样一个优秀的小伙子喜欢我追求我，那我心里肯定高兴，肯定是乐意在一起的。」
经过这样头脑风暴一般的梳理，我就明白了郭雪艳的真实想法，不说家庭不说社会，单从男人和女人的角度来说，如果我对郭雪艳有想法有追求，她是不否认可以接受的，也可以说她单纯可以接受我这样的一个人。我和她接触交流了这么些日子，第一次两个人就感情问题进行了一番仔仔细细的探讨，我也了解了她内心的真实想法。既然我已经知道了她的内心想法，也就暂时先缓一缓不继续发挥了，而是回到我之前关于尊重她的话题：「不知道该说什么了，其实我心里纷繁复杂。」
郭雪艳没弄明白我什么意思：「你为什么这样说？怎么纷繁复杂了？」
我又从头梳理了一下这个话题：「不知道怎么从头说起，一方面你是个好女人，也不是那种古板的女人，分得清自己想的和社会家庭的边界，我很欣赏尊重你，所以都没有什么胡乱的想法。另一方面，抛过这些外界的外部的因素，如果我追求你如何如何的，你又肯定了我这种感情和念想，我感觉很欣慰。你即有原则又有情怀，我觉得我没有看错，你就是个十全十美的女人。」
「其实就像我说的，我也是个普通的女人，有自己的喜怒哀乐，有自己的心思念想，但是也因为我的普通，我既不能不顾环境，也没有力量对抗社会，每个人其实都是弱小的，我们周遭的环境都是铜墙铁壁，要想自己别碰的头破血流，就是要注意墙壁的边界，不要乱冲乱撞。实话说吧，我也是第一次和一个男人讨论这样的话题，一般来说或许这样的话题要么很沉重要么很轻浮，当然是我想象的，但是和你聊起来，好像就是真的能够好好的面对这个问题去从容冷静的探讨。或许这就是缘分，我能努力的把控这样一个问题，你也能很好的客观冷静看待这个问题，才能说到一起，否则就成了挑逗成了调戏流于轻浮。」
这段话发来，不知道算是综述还是一种态度，不管我一开始或者后来对郭雪艳是一种怎样的念想和追求，这都让我肃然起敬，我无法反驳这样一段话，我也不能左右这其中的观点。或者说这不是她一个人的观点，而是我们两个人共同讨论的结果，尽管这样的讨论我是违心的。
我看了一下时间，又经过这一会的来来回回，此刻已经过了晚上十二点，我思索的这段时间，她没有再回过来什么消息，我估计她可能已经睡了。不过我还是要打个招呼：「很晚了，有什么回头再说，只要你愿意，我可以真诚的和你交流任何话题，早点睡吧。」然后我放好手机也睡了。
早上九点多醒来，我猛地抓起手机看看有没有郭雪艳的消息，从八点半第一条发来，拢共她给我发了四条消息：「晚上不知不觉睡着了，不好意思。」
「我大概看了一下我们讨论的问题，总体没啥偏差，我们可以达成共识。」
「不知道你怎么样，希望你的感冒快好起来。」
「我们几个朋友几天约了一起到其中一个家里去玩，你今天是怎么安排的？」
我躺着感受了一下自己的状态，感觉还不错，也不知道我的传统方法出汗洗澡睡觉起了作用，还是郭雪艳给我的药起了作用，我一点也没有了那种感冒的感觉。我也给她回了信息：「我刚睡醒，感觉不错，已感冒已经没了，你今天好好跟朋友玩玩吧。」
过了不多久她给我回顾来微信：「那就好，我这会刚准备去朋友那里，你今天还是注意身体，再吃药巩固一下，我晚上回去给你发消息。」
我看她这意思，今天一天是要跟朋友好好玩玩了，不想分心，我想了想也没什么，昨晚聊的信息量不少，让她自己消化消化吧。我突然内心里脑海里感觉有些空虚，定了定神，觉得这一天还是要干些什么的，哪怕只是为了打发时间。我起来收拾了一下，鬼使神差跑到图书馆去乱翻乱看了一阵子，到中午吃饭的时候才离开。我像孤魂野鬼一样晃晃悠悠到学校食堂胡乱吃了一顿，走回宿舍的路上感觉又焦躁又无聊。为了打发这种无处释放的精力，我又跑到球场去了。这次我有些佩服自己，从中午一点出头打球到天都快黑了。外面实在是有些看不清楚了我才离开，一边穿上外衣一边拿出手机看看，郭雪艳刚刚不久给我发了消息：「你今天在干什么？好像很安静嘛。」
我看到这条信息，心里突然澎湃起来，好像她在等我给她发消息似得，等了一整天我却没发一样，我想了想给她回复了：「我今天一整天都在想你。」
很快她的信息又过来了：「行了别瞎说了，我有什么好想的。再说，你想我怎么没看到你发消息呢？」
我感觉有些委屈有些无奈：「不是你说今天去朋友那里，晚上回家了给我发消息么。」
「是吧，这是我说的，看来你变听话了，挺好的。」
我不再想我说今天如何焦躁了，就直接问：「今天怎么样，跟朋友一起玩的开心吧？」
「晚上回家跟你慢慢说。」
这几条信息，我是从球场走到食堂然后一边吃饭一边跟郭雪艳相互发的，吃了饭我又不知道去哪里去干什么了，打球打了一下午累的像狗一样，我索性回到宿舍呆着算了。宿舍里还是有人在打游戏，有人不知所踪。我坐下冷静的想了想我和郭雪艳之间的关系，从认识开始给她帮忙，到算是朋友的相处，到头天晚上聊到感情问题，无疑两个人之间的距离在逐步增进，无疑两个人之间的信赖在跨步向前。我感觉我和她的关系已经到了所谓朋友和暧昧的边缘，我该怎么突破这样的边界而进一步往前呢？我思索了好一阵子没有什么头绪，就像一只猫玩了一阵毛线团而没有找到那个线头一样，索性不想了。身上黏糊糊的，毕竟是打了一下午的球，我去洗了个澡又爬上床呆着了，这时候才将近八点。我趟床上百无聊赖的刷抖音，直到九点半发现有微信发来，打开看了一下是郭雪艳的消息：「哈喽，你在干嘛，我回家了。」
我顿时又来了兴致，想了想我发过去一条信息：「躺在床上想你。」
「滚，说过了，我有什么好想的。」
我狡黠的就发了两个字：「月亮。」
经过昨晚的攀扯，我描述了她如何像月亮一样的美，这时候我说月亮，她应该知道我的意思。很快她又发来消息：「月亮你个狗屁，我今天也被朋友编排了。」
我很感兴趣：「说说看，你朋友编排你什么了？」
「还不是跟你有关，朋友问我孩子到西安上学成绩怎么样，我说找了个补课的老师，她们问我怎么认识补课老师，我也就没在意，就说了你跟我介绍了，然后越扯越多，就说我跟你你怎么认识之类，她们就编排我，不过那些话可对你不利哦。」
我能想象一帮女人在一起叽叽喳喳那种八卦的劲头，不过我具体也想不出来怎么就对我不利了，我态度诚恳的询问郭雪艳：「对我不利？你说说看怎么对我不利了。」
「她们说啊，这都是你的套路！」
看到这话我心里顿时一惊，莫非人多智众群力群策分析出来我心里那些小九九了？与其自己胡思乱想，我还是平稳了一下心绪问她：「什么套路？我怎么套路了？你倒是说说看。」
郭雪艳好像不甘示弱：「她们说从你帮我找补课的老师开始，就是想……就是在打我的主意。」
我一时内心有些慌乱，一方面我在想，郭雪艳这是怎么了，为什么要对我和她这种相识熟悉和朋友说这么多，我有点觉得她多嘴；另一方面，也不知道她的那些朋友是些什么角色，到底是认真严肃的帮她在分析问题还是在肆意发挥在调侃她和奚落我。
No matter how turbulent my mind was, I still followed normal logic and asked her, "Who are your friends? What do you mean I'm after you? What am I after? I told you last night that you have your charm and appeal, and if it weren't for those concerns, I wouldn't be able to resist pursuing you too. But I respect and understand you, and I don't want to cause you trouble. So, out of social morality and values, I can't disrupt your life. Although I'm not a saint or a perfect gentleman, I still have the same bottom line as you. How come you're saying I'm after spending a day with your friends? What exactly did they say?"
I acted very aggrieved and agitated, and showed interest in what her friend was saying. At that moment, I seemed to have lost my previous steady and reliable style, becoming anxious and flustered. Soon I received a message from Guo Xueyan: "They said you want to hit on me."
Because I had a premonition that she would bring up that kind of thing, I wasn't surprised by her expression. But the way she said it so bluntly made me wonder if her friend had directly said I wanted to pursue her, or if she had the general idea and then succinctly stated it herself. Either way, I felt like I was being cornered and had to make a statement. I told myself not to panic, to calm down and think about how to respond. I sorted out my thoughts and realized that in my panic I had overlooked a fundamental issue: Guo Xueyan's speaking style was different from usual. I guessed she had been drinking. Since she was speaking so directly under the influence of alcohol, why not go with the flow and play along? At least in my experience, human nature is like a wild beast, social rules are like an iron cage holding that beast, and alcohol is like sulfuric acid corroding that cage, causing the beast to either extend its claws or bare its fangs. Since Guo Xueyan's self-discipline has been eroded by alcohol, why don't I go with the flow and tease her a little? Even if she feels ashamed when she sobers up tomorrow, I'll just say that the discussion was conducted in accordance with her attitude.
I texted her: "You are you, your head is on your shoulders. They say I want to date you, but what do you think?"
"I think what they said makes sense."
I maintained my righteous demeanor: "Regardless of whether what they said is right or wrong, I've already told you that you are so charming and likable that I might be unable to resist becoming infatuated with you and wanting to pursue you—what they call wanting to seduce you. But I've also said that, like you, I have to consider family responsibilities and social rules. I can't, and you won't, cause any chaos or consequences for these thoughts." At this point, in my earlier panic, I momentarily forgot something. Guo Xueyan's friend said I wanted to seduce her—that's the analysis. So, do I have any further suggestions?
In other words, I talked to her for a while about what advice I gave her regarding my desire to pursue her, but I neglected this question. I feel like I've talked too much and gone off-topic.
I quickly sent her another message: "You women love to gossip. They say I'm trying to hit on you, so I didn't give you any advice on how to deal with me?"
"I know, I know. You respect me and don't want me to get into trouble, thank you. Several of my friends have also shared their opinions. Although I've been drinking, I'm perfectly sober. You can't fool me. I just want to ask what you really think?"
I suddenly felt speechless. She seemed a bit incoherent. I was the one asking her questions, and we had already discussed and resolved any doubts or issues the night before. Now she was asking me what I thought? What was she even asking? I was completely confused. However, since she had been drinking, and it seemed like she had quite a bit, I tried to communicate in a way that suited her drunken state: "What are you asking me about? What aspect of my thinking are you asking me about?"
"They said you actually wanted to date me, what are your thoughts on that?"
Knowing she'd had quite a bit to drink before asking that question, and knowing it was just drunken talk, I still pretended to be completely sane and continued the conversation, saying, "Didn't I already say that even if I wanted to pursue you, I have to respect your family situation and societal values? I can't just act on my own subjective feelings and end up hurting you. Didn't I already say that? What else do you want to ask? Also, you haven't answered my question about what your friends think, even if I wanted to pursue you!"
This time, Guo Xueyan's response was simple and clear: "My friend didn't have any opinion, just told me to be careful."
What does it mean to tell her to be mindful? Does it mean she should pay attention to my movements, or to be aware of any negative influences? I don't know exactly what she means. I've been thinking about it, and regardless of which aspect she's concerned about, or whether it's both, I want to uncover her true thoughts. Although I know she's had quite a bit to drink, as long as she expresses her thoughts, I can take it as her own statement. Even if she claims she was just talking nonsense while drunk, at least I still have a chance to argue with her. It's like a cat playing with a ball of yarn. After playing for a while, the ball is still intact, but once the cat grabs the key loose thread, it can quickly unravel the ball into pieces.
So I pressed on, "Okay, I don't care what your friend wants you to be careful about, so what are your own thoughts?"
"What are you thinking?"
"They said they wanted to date you. What are your thoughts on that?"
"I don't know, I've been drinking, I want to sleep, whatever."
I persisted: "Whatever I want is my business. I'm asking about your attitude now. Your friend said I want to hit on you, what's your attitude towards that?"
I felt that Guo Xueyan was really at her breaking point: "I have no opinion, do whatever you want, I'm not saying anything more, I'm really tired and I'm going to sleep, don't send me any more messages."
*** *** ***

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Flowers in Winter - Chapter Five

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