Wife Swapping Diary

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Wednesday, April 9, 2003, Sunny turning cloudy.
Nanwei received an invitation to dinner at a restaurant outside the South Gate at 5 PM on Saturday. It's just a classmate
reunion, a simple phone call would have sufficed. Why send a
formal invitation like it's the Oscars? The invitation specifically stated: Nanwei, please bring your wife. When Nanwei saw the invitation
was from Xiao Liang, he frowned, guessing he was wondering what the guy was up to . Looking at the invitation,
a barely perceptible cold smile appeared on his lips.
Before this, Nanwei had told me about a new wife-swapping club that had opened outside the South Gate, and had even said with a sly smile that he'd take me there
. I only knew that wife-swapping was popular in the south, but I didn't expect it to spread to
a small city like ours so quickly. Then I recalled the cold smile on Nanwei's lips when he held the invitation; I knew
what he was laughing at.
Nanwei, Xiaoliang, Xiaoliang's girlfriend Zhang Mei, and I were all classmates in the same year, and Nanwei and Xiaoliang were in the same
class. Nanwei was the class monitor, and Xiaoliang was the academic representative. They were both outstanding in every aspect of the class, their academic
performance was always neck and neck, and they were constantly arguing and competing.
At the time, Xiaoliang and I were deeply in love. Xiaoliang and Nanwei appeared amicable, but I knew their
relationship wasn't good behind the scenes. The following year, they both fell for a girl who had just transferred from another class. She was
very beautiful and considered one of the school's most beautiful girls—Zhang Mei.
Nanwei was the first to fall for Zhang Mei. Later, Xiaoliang also left me to join Zhang Mei's pursuit
. This broke my heart, and I began to distance myself from them. From then on, the two often fought over Zhang Mei, even
nearly coming to blows. Zhang Mei didn't want to offend either of these two outstanding class leaders, so she straddled
the line between them. However, after entering the workforce, Zhang Mei ultimately fell into Xiao Liang's arms.
For reasons I can't quite explain, Nan Wei frequently expressed his affection for me at this time, and I, too, harbored a deep
resentment and anger towards Xiao Liang. Soon, Nan Wei and I became a couple.
For years, I knew that Nan Wei had been holding a grudge against Xiao Liang for losing out on Zhang Mei.
After graduating from high school, they both gained admission to prestigious universities, but Nan Wei's university was more renowned,
giving him an edge over Xiao Liang in this respect. After graduation, Nan Wei was assigned to his current publishing house as an editor
, while Xiao Liang was assigned to a large municipal government agency, later resigning to start his own business.
Nan Wei is an outstanding person in every way; she is capable at work and possesses great personal charm. In
just a few years at the publishing house, she rose rapidly through the ranks, from junior editor to director, then deputy editor-in-chief, and finally
to editor-in-chief. We've been married for over four years, and I've always been completely devoted to him. I don't know if this is happiness
or what. In front of others, we give the impression of a loving young couple. At home, he
rarely talks to me, but he still consults me on some important family matters. Thinking about it this way, I feel quite content.
I don't know if this counts as happiness .
Saturday, April 12, 2003
, Sunny. Today is my husband's birthday. I only sent him a message to wish him a happy birthday around midnight because I've been considering whether
or not to record the experiences of the past two days, whether to downplay them or avoid the important ones, but in any case, I need to
leave myself an opportunity to reflect on them. I don't know if this counts as happiness.
Actually, Xiao Liang and Zhang Mei are a very good couple, very simple, kind, warm, and loving. I met
them at the restaurant outside the South Gate, which we had arranged to meet beforehand. Knowing that we like spicy food, they went to great lengths to treat us
to hot pot. Seeing them wave, we sat down facing each other and started talking about the weather and
the climate differences between the South and the North. Later, the men's topic turned to cross-strait relations, while Zhang Mei and I remained relatively silent.
After dinner, we went to karaoke, and everyone seemed relaxed. My husband was very happy, drinking beer and singing
old songs from his memories, as if he had returned to the season of love. He held the microphone in one hand, pointed at me with the other, and sang "My Favorite
Is You," his dreamy eyes touching me. Xiao Liang and Zhang Mei sang a duet intimately, also very happy. We
all passed the time so casually, the dim lighting creating no emotional impact, and the love songs we sang
were just beautiful notes. No one knew what they should or shouldn't do. Around 11:30,
we took a taxi to the wife-swapping club.
It was a typical two-person world, simple and cozy inside. Stepping out of the living room, there was a large
balcony. My crowded heart suddenly felt a moment of relief; the night breeze softened my heart.
As Xiao Liang walked onto the balcony, his hand briefly lingered on my waist, and I suddenly tensed up. I didn't dare
look at Xiao Liang; I felt I would reveal my expression or desire. For a moment, I felt like I had fallen from a height of fantasy to
the ground, the clear feeling of falling bringing clarity to my mind. To be honest, I felt we were better suited to be friends
than to play this sexual game.
After sitting for a while, I went to take a shower, and the waiter brought me a nightgown. I repeatedly told the waiter I wanted something
modest, but when I came out, I still noticed half of my breast and my clearly visible areola.
I covered my chest with my hands and sat next to Nanwei. Xiao Liang and Zhang Mei also went into the shower, and afterwards,
we all sat obediently in the living room watching TV until after 1 a.m. the next day. The lights were bright, and
there was no ambiguity between us. Nanwei turned off the living room lights, and we all started to smile knowingly. I was actually a little
reluctant because I still harbored resentment towards Xiao Liang; he was the one who abandoned me and started pursuing Zhang Mei so madly.
As I write this, my hands are trembling a little, I don't know if it's fear or nervousness. I'm still wondering
if I should record the following details in diary form.
I saw Nanwei sitting very properly, and I suddenly felt that doing so would be very unfair to Zhang Mei, so I encouraged Nanwei with my eyes
. So Nanwei took Zhang Mei to another room, leaving only Xiao Liang and me.
Xiao Liang suggested turning off the lights, and I thought that was a good idea; it might reduce visual pressure and
lessen the guilt. Gradually, I felt Xiao Liang's breathing getting closer and closer. I wanted to escape, but my body
pressed against him involuntarily. He put his left arm around my shoulder and his right arm around my chest, and I felt a warm current rush towards me.
It attacked my body. I collapsed.
Actually, I felt relaxed then; perhaps the brief physical pleasure gave me a rare sense of tolerance and acceptance.
Later, we did it separately in two different rooms. I remembered a similar scene with Xiao Liang many years ago. Back then,
we were innocent, but this time the feeling was unfamiliar, almost making me sad. Perhaps because of unfamiliarity
or other reasons, my pleasure didn't come as expected.
I can't write anymore here. The scene of making love with Xiao Liang that day keeps replaying in my mind
. When he penetrated me deeply, he almost hit me in one go. I even experienced an orgasm that I couldn't achieve with my husband.
This feeling was very special, as if I was born inside his body at that moment. I thought about the
year Xiao Liang betrayed me. Although I was calm on the surface, I was actually in unbearable pain inside, and I actually
had sex with this person I once hated...
I feel a little nauseous. I hope these things won't happen again.
Nanwei won't be back tonight; he said there's something at the company that requires him to work overtime. I poured myself a glass of red wine, wrapped myself in a blanket,
and sank into the sofa. I wanted to pass out quickly, preferably never to wake up again…
There was no moonlight tonight, and my heart was as still as water.
Sunday, April 27, 2003, Sunny
. There was no moonlight tonight, and my heart was as still as water. The lights were off in the room. A garbage truck was parked at the entrance of the
building, and sanitation workers were loading the garbage from the entrance onto the truck. I don't know if Nanwei will ever see these diary entries I've written
. If he does, what will he think? I don't want to guess. I'm afraid to guess now, afraid to remember,
but some details I can't forget even if I want to.
That night, while Xiao Liang and I were making love, he kept thinking about his Zhang Mei. For a moment, he kept calling
Zhang Mei's name. I didn't care. I turned my head to the side and gave him a knowing, mischievous smile.
Later, after Zhang Mei and Nanwei finished, she ran over to see us. She only glanced at us before running out again. Zhang Mei
cried after she left, which reminded me of myself. But strangely, I didn't shed a single tear, and I couldn't even find
a trace of sadness. Nanwei, Xiaoliang, and I were all comforting her.
Her crying was very moving; her tears intensified the emotional element of the game. I felt that authenticity was
good; if everyone were only indulging in pure physical pleasure, it would make us feel even more miserable, and we might even
start to doubt our attitude towards love.
Did we still have love?
Women are always a bit sensitive, and I felt sorry for her, just like I felt sorry for myself. So I let Nanwei hold her, and I
hugged Nanwei from behind. Actually, at that moment, I needed him too, but I didn't say it. I rested my head on his
back, feeling the warmth of his back. I couldn't bear to leave that familiar, warm embrace. It took a long time for
Zhang Mei's emotions to stabilize, and I think that was because of the two men comforting her at the same time.
For some reason, at that moment, I was actually a little jealous of Zhang Mei.
Zhang Mei and I both thought that the men got more pleasure than the women in this game. We were very friendly then,
and her smile was charming. After showering separately, we sat back down in the living room. We discussed how to sleep that night. Actually,
while showering, I clearly told Nanwei that I didn't want to spend the whole night with Xiaoliang. It's true, at the
time I didn't think about it, nor did I want my husband to spend the night with another woman. I was just strongly
insisting on it from my own perspective. So everyone tried to conceal their opinions during the discussion. Of course, clearly expressing them would inevitably
hurt some vulnerable souls to some extent. I smiled and said I was still not used to sleeping with strangers. If
the lights were on, everyone would see my honest, undisguised smile. Nanwei and Xiaoliang didn't really agree with me,
because they were still discussing it. In the dim corner, Zhang Mei said, "You decide, I'm fine with whatever." All three of them
said that.
I suddenly felt a sadness, my mood was very low, but I was also very stubborn. Maybe they were all looking forward to a new
feeling of sleeping.
I still insisted on sleeping with Nanwei, otherwise I really wouldn't be used to it. Nanwei and Xiaoliang both agreed. Nanwei and I
returned to the room, and naturally, a little unpleasantness occurred.
I'm not the selfish, willful, or unreasonable woman. I blamed Nanwei for disregarding my feelings,
for bringing me to such a place to play such games, for not cherishing me, for not
loving me as much as he claimed, and for everything else.
I hit him, pinched him, twisted him, and made him swear he loved me. I turned my back, crossed my arms, my hair hanging forlornly
over my chest, tears streaming down my face, my breathing heavy. I felt that sex made everything fragile; I was sad,
I was afraid, I was alone.
My mother once said I was foolish. She saw me always giving in to Nanwei and said I lacked my own opinions, that I
would definitely suffer because of this. And she was right.
Marriage should be a promise .
Tuesday, May 13, 2003, light rain.
I think marriage should be a promise, but sex clearly doesn't play a minor role.
When this factor evolves into a crisis that two people must face together, then according to the marriage contract,
its resolution requires the joint responsibility of both spouses. One day I asked Nanwei why he went to a wife-swapping club for excitement
. I told him that if he wanted to indulge or constantly try new things, he could easily find a lover outside the marriage, wouldn't that be
more exciting?
Nanwei's answer touched me deeply. He said, "Because I love you, I don't want to find a lover outside. The
wife-swapping club perfectly fulfills my wish; I want you to experience another kind of pleasure."
Women are just that silly. After he said those words, I don't know why, but my mood inexplicably improved
. The aesthetic fatigue that arises between couples leads to a lack of passion in their emotional lives, and thus, wife-swapping
clubs come into being. I remember that day, before leaving, Xiao Liang said to me, "Actually, neither of us did it perfectly. Those
two days, we should have treated the stranger as if we were with a different partner, but we cared too much about our own partners,
so we were very restrained." Nothing can be perfect for four people at the same time, without any flaws.
So, whether it's regret or happiness, what's important is that it's in the past and we've experienced it. Everyone says the first step...
It was difficult to take that first step, but once you did, you succeeded. Sometimes, looking back, it feels like I was caught off guard. The
day I left that club, I regretted not having a proper talk with Zhang Mei. She was a very tolerant woman
, much more mature than me, and I liked her very much.
Whenever we had free time, the four of us would meet at the wife-swapping club. Those days felt like we
were back in school, inseparable. Sometimes I'd mistake Xiao Liang for Nan Wei, and sometimes I'd call Nan Wei
Xiao Liang. Eventually, even I couldn't tell who was who. Zhang Mei wasn't shy anymore either. Sometimes, the four of us
would stand naked, touching each other.
In just one month, we seemed addicted to this game, meeting every week,
trying everything. I felt extremely uneasy, like a child who had stolen too much, filled with fear. Suddenly
, I was terrified. I didn't want to continue like this. I was afraid my love for Xiao Liang would rekindle, I didn't
want to hurt Zhang Mei, and I didn't want to ruin my current family.
I couldn't imagine what would happen if we continued like this. Perhaps in the end, all four of us
would pay a heavy price. I couldn't bear to think about it anymore...
So our four-person sex game ended with my withdrawal.
We're practically an old married couple, with children, but this was our first time in this kind of thing
. In the blink of an eye, we experienced one of the most challenging things in our marriage. Therefore, we
hope to have a quiet life, or rather, to live with a calm and contemplative attitude. We need to rekindle
our love and cherish our family and children.
I just hope this ends here.
It's like escaping from a four-person game.
Thursday, July 10, 2003, Sunny.
My husband and I have had a peaceful two months. It's like we've escaped from a four-person game. I breathed a sigh of
relief.
During this time, Zhang Mei and I occasionally kept in touch. Once, we even met at a shopping mall and went shopping for clothes together,
acting like sisters. I don't know if it was just maintaining a facade of peace or if it was genuine.
But I never contacted Xiao Liang. When he called me, I hung up quickly because I was afraid of seeing him, afraid
he would ask me out, afraid I would miss his body.
Nanwei has recently taken to online chatting. Sometimes he's still chatting on the computer even after I've fallen asleep. I don't mind him
seeking excitement online; I'm used to his liking for new things. I know he loves me, he only loves me, but in
his understanding, his love for me comes from the heart, while his body craves novelty, which doesn't fall under
the category of his love for me. I don't care about it. We've been married for so many years, and I'm used to him arranging everything for me and
following his instructions. I've never felt he's done anything wrong; I only hope my marriage is peaceful and harmonious.
But today he stopped chatting. I was dozing off when he shook me awake and said mysteriously, "Wife, let's
go there again." I knew what he meant—a wife-swapping club. I suddenly felt a little terrified. I was afraid to mention that
place.
Ignoring my reaction, he said the club had a new service where six people could play together, meaning
you could swap with two people at the same time in one night. I shook my head desperately, but Nanwei was excited and couldn't wait to try it.
He kept persuading me to try it again. You know, I'm soft-hearted and have never resisted Nanwei
.
I didn't know what would happen next, but I knew I was powerless to change it. A thought suddenly popped into my
head—that this game was adventurous and exciting—but this thought terrified me, and I smacked my forehead
.
Sunday, July 13, 2003, Sunny.
Nanwei arranged everything and went to register.
He wore what he considered his best clothes and insisted I wear a sexy backless dress. He said he didn't want
his wife to be inferior to others. This made me very unhappy.
Fortunately, the people in the wife-swapping club weren't the kind of men and women who seemed shady. The seemingly
respectable men and women secretly had ulterior motives; perhaps after finishing the contract signing, they were thinking of immediately going to
the wife-swapping club for excitement. Exchanging their own wives for others' wives, the men tacitly understood each other
, and the women didn't feel they were losing out. They each got what they wanted.
This time, my date was a 30-year-old man. He looked good, especially in his white shirt; I was
somewhat attracted to him. This eased my initial nervousness.
Nanwei, however, seemed less than satisfied with his date, but having already paid, he reluctantly carried the
woman with the exaggeratedly curly hair into the next room. I didn't like that woman either; she smiled flirtatiously, didn't
glance at me, and didn't seem to care about her husband sitting next to me.
The man was very reserved; he sat next to me, not moving for a long time. Actually, I wasn't particularly interested,
so I sat quietly. My mind was filled with thoughts, like tomorrow's work meeting,
what gift to give my mother for her birthday, and other small things.
I was even a little curious about this man. I handed him a glass of water, and when he took it, his hand visibly
trembled slightly, a small gesture that made me laugh.
After a while, I heard the wanton sounds of a woman from next door; they were making love. I knew
how good Nanwei was; no woman was ever dissatisfied with him. He could make a woman feel very comfortable, and without losing
his gentleness.
The man beside me frowned. I guessed he'd been forced here by his wife; he
couldn't satisfy her, so he could only swallow his anger and watch her entangled with another man's husband, while
he dared not cross the line with me, a complete stranger.
He seemed so weak, and I couldn't help but feel sorry for him, having gotten involved with such a domineering wife.
I ignored him; I was used to the sounds from next door. I was incredibly sleepy, so I just lay down fully clothed
.
Because I had an early meeting the next day, I left without saying goodbye to Nanwei. I glanced at the man sleeping soundly on the sofa
. It was the first time I'd seen such a lovely man; I felt an urge to pity him, but it was only for a moment, and
I quickly dismissed the thought.
Everyone's Real Intentions Were Not Really About the Game
Thursday, September 25, 2003, Sunny
Recently, Nanwei often brought a couple over to play cards. Nanwei doesn't like playing mahjong, so we played cards,
one team per player. If both members of a team were the first to play all their cards, they won a round. I
didn't know the couple; Nanwei said they were his colleagues. The man was named Wei Qing, and the woman was named Li Fang. In these games,
Nanwei and I were always on one team, and Wei Qing and Li Fang on the other. But I could sense Nanwei and Li Fang exchanging glances, and
Wei Qing was also giving me flirtatious looks. Gradually, I realized that everyone's real
intentions weren't really about the game.
Finally, one night, Li Fang suddenly became very assertive and said, "We're playing like this all the time. Can we try something
new? Nanwei and I will be on one team, and you two on the other." The three of us said in unison, "Sure!" So we
broke with convention. The result? A draw, just like our usual game. Wei Qing jokingly
said to Nan Wei, "I thought only Li Fang and I were truly compatible, turns out your wife is good too." Nan Wei then chimed in
, "How about we try swapping wives?" Wei Qing laughed heartily and said, "I think it's a good idea."
Afterwards, I went downstairs to buy some alcohol. We played cards and drank, while Wei Qing and Nan Wei continued telling dirty
jokes. We laughed, drank, and played cards, and before we knew it, we were all drunk…
When I woke up, I realized that Wei Qing was sleeping next to me… I instinctively sat up abruptly.
"Don't move," Li Ye reached out and pressed me down, putting a finger to his lips to indicate that someone was
in the outer room of the suite. I immediately realized that Nan Wei and Li Fang were sleeping outside. I lay back down, my body stiff, not
daring to move. It was so embarrassing, so embarrassing that I didn't dare look at Wei Qing, let alone the people outside.
I buried my head under the covers, wishing they were a magic blanket that would instantly make me disappear… but
I couldn’t disappear.
Wei Qing pulled me close, and when I tried to pull away, he whispered that it was pointless. I asked him
if we had done it. He countered, “What do you think?” I said I didn’t know. He said, “You’re such a silly girl.” Then he burst out laughing.
This conversation, this scene, seemed like something I’d experienced a few months ago, back when the protagonists were Xiao
Liang and Zhang Mei. But it felt like a thousand years had passed. Suddenly, my heart pounded, and a surge of tenderness welled up inside me. To be honest
, I felt this time was both tender and exciting, though it’s shameless to say it, but it was my true
feeling.
I didn’t know if it was already dawn. When I heard the people outside leave and close the door, Wei Qing started getting dressed
, and I felt a little reluctant to leave. I lay motionless on the bed, watching Li Ye put on his clothes, one piece at a time,
until he was impeccably dressed and tied his tie. At that moment, I thought, if this man were my husband, I
would be happy too. After thinking that sentence, I cursed myself inwardly, "Isn't this just being promiscuous
?" But as he turned to leave, I called out to him. He stopped, but didn't look at me,
saying he was leaving first, and opened the door to the outer room.
Whenever I closed my eyes, all I saw was Wei Qing's image, every detail of our time together. I savored
each detail, just like when we were dating, feeling a strange excitement mixed with unease. If
the last man was someone I knew from many years ago, this man was a complete stranger. I
don't know where this feeling came from, and I even vaguely hoped that this story would continue.
The more decadent, the happier. Who said that? It's definitely derogatory. But I can't quite put my finger on it.
Thursday, October 2nd, 2003, cloudy and windy
. Ouyang is back. He went to France before, and we hadn't exchanged any letters or phone calls for over two years. Yesterday,
he suddenly called me, saying he wanted to see me.
Ouyang was a colleague at my former company. He was nearly 1.8 meters tall, a handsome and sunny man—
the kind of clean-cut type I liked. Ouyang and I were best friends at the company; we often went out to meet clients and
discuss business together, and eventually we started calling each other brother and sister.
In a quiet teahouse on Qianyuan Avenue, Ouyang and I chatted casually,
laughing softly and happily, like old friends. We could even
read a hint of unease in each other's seemingly calm faces; we both seemed to be anticipating something deep inside.
Ouyang casually asked if I had heard of a group of
people in this city known as the "three highs"—high education, high income, and high standards—who had spontaneously organized an informal
club-like organization, known to outsiders as the "wife-swapping club." Their motto was to advocate free
sex; they satisfied their bodies without involving their souls. They said, "We were friends, then we had sex, but we
're still friends." Or perhaps, they became friends because of sex, the exchange of sex. I shook
my head, feigning surprise, then nodded as if I understood.
Ouyang said he wanted to take me there, and that he was already a member. I didn't agree,
but suggested that if I wanted to try it, I could bring my husband to Ouyang's house. Ouyang was taken aback at first, then chuckled
. At that moment, I realized my face was burning, and I picked up my tea and drank it.
To be honest, since my encounter with Wei Qing, I suddenly found myself looking forward to this new marriage model
. I knew Nanwei was also looking forward to the next wife-swapping couple. After dinner, I
told Nanwei about this idea. Nanwei brushed his teeth for a long time without reacting, and after a long while, he spat out
the toothpaste foam, smacked his lips, and said, "We can try."
What a hypocrite. I cursed him inwardly.
With my careful planning, that night Ouyang brought his wife, Yu Juan, to my house. At the dinner table, Nanwei
kept glancing at Yu Juan, who sat next to Ouyang. It was my first time meeting Yu Juan; she was a pretty
girl, someone Nanwei should like.
To be honest, I had a crush on Ouyang two years ago, and if I hadn't been pregnant then, I think I
would have already cheated on her. After dinner, the usual routine happened: Ouyang, Nanwei, and I watched TV in the living room
while Yu Juan took a shower. Half an hour later, Ouyang and I went into the bedroom, while Nanwei and Yu Juan went to the study on the other side.
Around dawn, Nanwei and Yu Juan knocked and came in. Ouyang and I were still unclothed. They
wanted to make love in our room and have Ouyang film them. I naturally told Ouyang, "You three
, come on, I'll film you." Nanwei shook his head and told me to watch them. They were very passionate and absorbed. Later
, Ouyang suggested we do it too, saying we could record it together. So, the four of us did our own thing on one bed.
As I write this in my diary, the wind hasn't stopped, and a half-hidden moon peeks
in through the window. In this cool early morning, I feel like I'm seeing a pair of eyes watching me, so clear and bright
, and I'm deeply moved. I think my writing might disappear for a while because, clearly, I
don't know what to say anymore. My diary entries are a mess; I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally. I hope
my child, Nanwei, and my family will still love me, offer me a shoulder to lean on, and a chest to hold my tears.
I also hope that every night, or when the world is asleep, I will see a pair of
clear eyes that belong only to me, gazing at me from afar and offering me limited comfort.

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