After the arrival of my son

After our son arrived
, my wife took our three-month-old son from the crib, unbuttoned her blouse, unhooked one of the bra cups, and breastfed him. At that moment, I lay on the bed, a book in my hand, watching them. The sight of my wife lovingly caring for her child filled my eyes. "So beautiful!" I thought to myself, a warm and happy feeling welling up inside me. My wife and I have been married for three years. She is three years younger than me. Considering our age and social circles, we should have never met. Yet, fate brought us together. Actually, meeting her was quite a coincidence. I met her at a friend's wedding banquet, on behalf of my father. Her temperament and appearance deeply attracted me, especially her flowing long hair and the graceful way she turned her head—I was completely captivated. And so, I decided to spend my life with her. After a year of relentless pursuit, I finally "tricked" her into marriage. At the time, she hadn't graduated from university yet, and logically, it should have been two or three years before getting married. However, our intense love led her to marry me immediately after graduation. Our married life was blissful, our love inseparable, needless to say. But having a child didn't happen until two years after our marriage. Initially, we planned to have a child; it wouldn't have been difficult for either of us. However, partly because my financial situation wasn't entirely stable, and partly because she was relatively young, based on eugenic principles, we used contraception. Our parents also didn't encourage us to have a child so soon.
They suggested that people our age should wait four or five years before having a child. I vividly remember the night of our wedding ,
when my wife and I were heading back to the hotel, my father-in-law pulled us aside, patted my shoulder, and said in a suggestive tone, "Young man, be careful, restrain yourself a little. Your mother-in-law is still young and doesn't want to be called 'Grandma' too soon."
His words were clear: he didn't want me to do anything about it. What could I do? So, my wife and I could only force a smile and nod vigorously, praising my father-in-law's wisdom. Deep down, I felt terrible. "I need your permission to have a child? Am I even a man?" I cursed him countless times in my heart. Therefore, although we both really wanted to, the pressure of public opinion and my wife's reluctance to disobey forced us to comply, leaving me to endure several years of "not being a man." Now, let me tell you about how my son came to be: Looking back, it might truly be fate. After we got married, we relied on the rhythm method and withdrawal for contraception. While it wasn't the best approach, I couldn't bear to subject my wife to the effects of chemicals! So I had to compromise.
For two years, nothing went wrong. Besides, we had at least ten experiences before marriage, and being young and naive, we neither used protection. Even so, she didn't get pregnant, so we were quite confident in our relationship, just waiting for our parents' approval for the "crystallization." But one dark and stormy night, fueled by a video and a little alcohol, I wasn't careful and forgot to withdraw at the last moment, and my wife became a mother. When she found out the good news, Kun was overjoyed, beaming and laughing as she said, "None of the previous times were as accurate as this one."
It sounds like I'm not welcoming of children, but the truth is quite the opposite. I was even more excited about our baby than my wife. Besides buying a ton of books on pregnancy, early childhood education, and childcare, Kun stayed up late studying, as if he were back in his college entrance exam days. Eventually, my wife, with her big belly, would often make me milk, reminding me to take good care of myself and not to stay up too late studying.
As a result, I often had dark circles under my eyes. Unaware colleagues even advised me that it's normal for newlyweds to have dark circles, but I should still exercise some restraint to avoid harming my health, which made me both laugh and cry. During her pregnancy, my favorite thing to do was accompany my wife to the hospital for checkups. Partly to see how the little one was growing, and partly to let everyone in the hospital know that I was the man who made my wife pregnant. The sense of pride and satisfaction I felt filled me with, and it was evident on my face.
Perhaps due to hormones, my wife's complexion was rosy, radiating a captivating charm. It was then that I realized a woman is truly beautiful during pregnancy, and I loved my wife even more, unwilling to let her endure any hardship or injury. As my wife's contractions gradually shortened and intensified, my anxiety grew.
However, all these worries vanished completely when the baby's cry rang out from the delivery room. At that moment, my mind was blank with only the thought, "I'm a father! I'm a father!" The overwhelming emotion I felt was indescribable; I don't know how to express the excitement and exhilaration I felt.
To ensure my dear wife didn't get enough rest, I insisted she stay an extra week. She also attended some hospital events, such as newborn care classes and postpartum care. In short, nothing happened to me while I was in the hospital. However,　　after
my wife and son returned home, I experienced what could be called adjustment difficulties, finding it hard to adapt to this new family dynamic.
I still dote on my son as much as ever, but something feels off. The syllables "Dad" are easy to pronounce, but I can't grasp the meaning of "father." Young as I am, I find it difficult to accept this new identity and don't understand how to fulfill the responsibilities of a father. On the other hand, perhaps due to maternal instinct, the word "competent" doesn't even begin to describe my love and care for our child. Another issue is how to rebuild my relationship with my wife .
She used to spoil me rotten, but after our child was born, she's become distant and doesn't seem to care much about my feelings, or perhaps she's deliberately ignoring my thoughts. I don't know what to do; I feel like a deposed emperor. Moreover, the family's focus is now entirely on our son. Frankly, I feel not only lost but also incredibly lonely.
I suddenly realized that I grew up surrounded by love and care. I've always been the one receiving, never knowing how to give. No wonder my family opposed us having a child at such a young age; they couldn't understand what it's like to be a responsible father. Suddenly having my hand turned down is extremely difficult for me. After work, I went to my son's bedroom. My wife was inside with him. I went up to her and hugged her around the waist. The sweet, charming way she used to play with our child now seemed so unfamiliar. I don't know what's missing between us, but I feel a significant distance has grown between us. "
Hmm? What's wrong?" My wife noticed I was lost in thought and asked with concern.
This reminder snapped me back to reality.
"Nothing..." I stammered, then changed the subject, "Eee... little cousin, did you listen to Mommy today? Did you miss Daddy?"
I pinched my son's soft cheek, and he suddenly stopped smiling, sitting seriously in his crib, his eyes fixed on me. I felt incredibly embarrassed; even my son didn't recognize me, his old man.
"Look how scared you've made him," my wife glared at me, picking him up and walking him around the bedroom. "Sweetie, it's all Daddy's fault," she teased, touching his nose to mine, "Smile..."
Watching my wife and son together, a sudden feeling of isolation washed over me. I felt unable to enter their world, like a nail unable to penetrate a thick steel plate. "
Can I really be a dad?" I wondered.

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After the arrival of my son

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