No one in this world is clean.

Perhaps, no one in this world is truly clean.
Zhang Qian looked into my eyes as she said this. The wind blew past us, and her hair fluttered.
That year, I was exactly twenty years old.

Zhang Qian was my senior, and it was during our first meeting when she said those words. It was an autumn

afternoon , and I was lying on the dormitory rooftop, bored. My senior said that when she climbed up to the rooftop and saw me for the first time, she was stunned for a long time.
Sky blue jeans, orange t-shirt. Head tilted, gazing at the sky, bare feet propped up on the rooftop railing, like a mischievous

child. My senior almost always wrote about that scene in her letters, and then she would always ask, "Junior, do you remember what I looked like
back then ?"
What did my senior look like back then? I couldn't remember at all. Because I was completely woken up by my senior, and for a long time I was just

staring at my senior's chest. My senior laughed.
"Hey, it's big, isn't it?"
"Yeah." I blushed a little.
"Heh, every man's first glance is at my chest. Looks like you're a normal man."

My senior sister had the most beautiful voice I'd ever heard. Maybe it was because she was the first

girl whose voice I paid attention to; her lips curved slightly upward when she smiled, and the end of each sentence was drawn out gently, as if
magic could always be unleashed from her small mouth.

"What year are you in?"
"96 Anesthesiology."
"Oh, a sophomore. You should know me, right? I'm Zhang Qian from 94 Clinical Medicine."
Sure enough, I'd heard that name before. Because of that name, I looked at her magical mouth again more closely

.
"What's wrong? Is there something on my mouth?"
"No, it's very pretty."
"You should know what the senior guys talk about me, right?"
"Yeah."
"What do they say?" "
They say Zhang Qian from 94 Clinical Medicine will give you oral sex for just ten yuan."
Sure enough, my senior sister lifted her leg over the rooftop railing, pulled herself up with both hands, and leaned forward as if flying.

The afternoon sun, around three or four o'clock, shone on her hair, reflecting a mesmerizing halo, and I was mesmerized. Suddenly, she abruptly turned
her head.
"Hey, junior, don't you have class this afternoon?"
"Yes, anatomy lab."
"Why aren't you going?"
"Watching the corpse being taken out of formalin is disgusting, it looks a bit dirty."
"Dirty..." the senior repeated. Then she turned her head and looked up at the sky, saying,

"Maybe no one in this world is clean."

I was startled awake by a phone call, and when I looked up, I saw Wang Yao's half-smiling eyes. "
Dr. Du, you're sleeping at work again. "
I ignored her, turned my arms which were numb from being pressed down, and took out my phone from my pocket.
"Hello..."
It was my classmate from university, my dorm roommate. I gave him a few perfunctory words. He seemed surprised that after several years since graduation, I

was still as indifferent as before. There was a few seconds of silence on the phone, then he suddenly said mysteriously,

"Du Ming, do you know? Zhang Qian from the '94 Clinical Medicine class, the one who stayed on at the university, committed suicide last week..."

The phone fell to the ground, the battery and the body separated in two. I bent down to pick up the phone, but couldn't reach it even though it was
right next to me. Wang Yao sat on the desk, swinging her long legs.
"Hey, what's wrong, Du Ma? Whose phone call made you so flustered?"
"Bend over a little more, and I'll tell you."
Wang Yao lowered her head towards me, bringing her ear closer.
"Is this okay? Tell me."
"Hmm, I'll tell you, from this angle I can see your pink bra perfectly."
"Ugh."
Wang Yao straightened up abruptly, her eyes still crinkling.

"Junior, what book are you reading?"
A 1975 Japanese forensic textbook.
My senior sister wrinkled her nose at me.
"Why are you reading such strange things?"
"It's quite interesting. Now I roughly know how many ways one can kill oneself."

"Du Ming, you're really strange. You don't seem like a medical student. Do you know how I look at the men in our medical school?

" "Slugs preserved in formaldehyde, huh?"
"What?"
"Slugs preserved in formaldehyde." "

My senior sister smiled; her smile was beautiful. She seemed to enjoy chatting with me, because ever since our first meeting,

I'd often run into her on the dormitory rooftop, and she always seemed to know I'd be there. But our conversations
were limited to the rooftop. Every time I passed her in the teaching building corridor, she'd pretend not to know me and brush past me, and I
wouldn't bother to say hello. Perhaps she thought this was good for me, because she was one of the most
prominent figures in our medical school in the last twenty years; almost every one of the nearly one thousand male students in the entire school knew her.
When I first enrolled, upperclassmen from all grades spread the word that Zhang Qian from the '94 Clinical Medicine class was a slut. It was said she'd slept with
countless men, even including professors in the department. Whenever there were important visitors to the department, Zhang Qian would go and spend the night with them
, etc. Zhang Qian's name..." The word "Zhang Qian" appeared almost every night in the male dormitories of the medical school, and our dormitory was no exception
. Every night, I listened to the guy on the upper bunk recounting different versions of the details of Zhang Qian's encounters with men in bed. The most outrageous one
was that a guy from the class of '95 had once passionately called out Zhang Qian's name while masturbating at night, and that many boys had asked the girls in the dormitory
to steal Zhang Qian's underwear. I don't know who the real slut was.

But all of this was just hearsay, because the senior's beauty was truly intimidating. Her ice-sculpted face
had attracted countless men, but it had also destroyed countless men. Despite the constant rumors, I had never seen a
man actually say that he had gotten out of Zhang Qian's bed. But in the medical school, whether it was men or women, behind the senior's back, they would only say
one thing: "Look, that bitch, Zhang Qian.

" "Hey, junior, what do you think is the best way for me to die?"
It was late autumn, and willow leaves were fluttering in the wind. The senior was wearing a high-necked thin sweater, a dark plaid knee-length wool skirt, her long hair

was past her shoulders, and her lips, without lipstick, looked somewhat pale.

“Hang yourself, hang from the willow trunk where leaves are falling, your body swaying with the branches. Hair covering your face,

hands hanging naturally, like a doll. It would be beautiful.”
“Du Ming, how can you say that? But I like that way of dying.”
“Senior sister, do you know how many ways there are to hang yourself?”

Du…Ming!

Dr. Du, you’re sweating so much, are you alright?
This is the third time. My hand holding the epidural needle started to tremble, and I couldn’t get it in. Wang Yao asked me

nervously , her gaze making it hard for me to concentrate; I’d seen that look before.
Wang Yao was the nurse on duty today, and she hadn’t washed her hands yet. The sterile gown she was wearing, which had undergone countless high-pressure sterilizations

, was a little small, stretching her body tightly, and I had a strange feeling. Wang Yao took out a sterile cotton ball and carefully
reached over to wipe the sweat from my forehead. She said gently,
“Don’t be nervous, Du Ming.”
“Wang Yao, please call the head doctor for me.”
The head doctor finished disinfecting, took the epidural needle from my hand, and sat down next to the patient. I let out a deep breath,

glanced at Wang Yao who was staring at my face, and smiled at her. Stepping out of the operating room, I collapsed onto
the bed in the recovery room.

Come to think of it, it had been a long time since I'd received a letter from my senior. She used to write to me almost every month, but I

rarely replied; I always called after receiving a letter. My senior stayed on as a teaching assistant at the university. Every time I called her
dorm , the time I spent waiting for her to walk from her room to the mailroom felt like the world suddenly went silent. I
felt like I was in a completely enclosed space, with only me and the phone in my hand. Then, I could hear
the sound of plastic slippers tapping on the floor, and as the sound grew louder, the space I was in seemed to expand. Only when
I heard my senior's breathless "Hello" did I return to reality.

I asked her why she didn't have a cell phone, since she always had to run around that old dorm building. She smiled and said she
didn't like it. She liked lying in bed and hearing the announcement "Zhang Qian...phone" coming from the speaker on the door.
“Every time I hear someone call me that, I feel alive again,” my senior said. After she said that, we both
fell silent.
My phone calls with my senior always ended so quickly. I didn’t know what to say, and she never asked me anything. We
never talked about our jobs because we both knew we didn’t like them—something we’d known since school.
My senior wasn’t good at talking either; sometimes her words were so simple they sounded like a child’s. Even in her letters, it was the same—unchanging
draft paper, simple language. There were no beautiful fantasies or brilliant life insights, which seemed somewhat disproportionate to her beauty
.

In her letters, she mostly talked about the changing seasons and the days we spent together at school—all trivial, rambling things.
Sometimes, after reading her letters, I still didn’t know what she was trying to tell me. But almost every time, my senior would end her letters by saying that
the only thing she remembered from university was meeting me. On the phone, I asked my senior what I meant to her
. She was silent for a long time before saying, word by word, “Clean, very clean.”

I slept soundly all day, feeling like my body wasn’t even my own. When I arrived at the hospital, I saw Wang Yao
sitting alone by the window, looking a little strange. I went over and patted her shoulder, but she abruptly pulled away,
gasping for breath , her nostrils flaring as she looked at me; she was crying. I thought I had frightened her, so I asked her what was wrong, but she pulled
away and ran out. When I came out of the head doctor's office and wanted to look for her again, I found she had already gone home; it turned out she had worked the night shift
the day before . I didn't think much of it, grabbed some things, and left the hospital. I asked the head doctor for a day off, saying I was
going home to prepare for my graduate school application.

Our school is less than 100 kilometers from home, a three-hour motorcycle ride. My senior always
wondered strange about that? Your home is even closer to school,
why did you live on campus?" My senior snorted but didn't answer, then started chatting with me again, albeit casually. Strangely enough
, I was the only man who could talk back to my senior without making her angry. Once, my senior said to me, "Du Ming,
do you know you have a kind of magic that makes people want to be near you?" You're very handsome, and your smile is so lovely, especially
your eyes—they're so clear and bright, so clean, and so comforting. If you didn't
try to act cool, lots of people would like you. My senior sister said, moving closer to my face, her fingers
tracing the lines of my eyebrows down my cheek. Her fingers were slender, the tips cold as water droplets
brushing against my skin, finally stopping at my lips. Her breath on my face carried a strong smell of alcohol. This
made blush, my lips parting slightly to reveal two cute bunny teeth. Just as our lips were about to touch
, she pushed me away. That was one of the few times I had close contact with my senior sister, yet it still makes my heart pound.

I arrived at school and parked my motorcycle in front of the library. The old dormitory building next to the library looked
quite dilapidated; it was where I spent several years of my university life. Because of the new dormitory building, this building
became the dormitory for young, unmarried teachers who stayed on at the university. And it became the place that accompanied my senior sister to the end of her life.

"Hey, who are you looking for?"

"Aunt Wang, I'm a former student from the class of '96. I'm looking for Zhang Qian from room 406."

The old lady looked up sharply, took off her glasses, and stared at me intently. Then she came out of the gatehouse and pulled me
inside. "

I remember now, you were a student here." "How come you didn't know?"

"What's wrong?" I asked, feigning ignorance.

"Zhang Qian is dead."

Although I had been mentally prepared, my heart still ached as if struck by a hammer. "

How could this be? I contacted her just a while ago." "

It happened last week." "By the way, were you close to her?" "Very few people have contacted Zhang Qian this year."

"No, we were just classmates. I happened to be back and thought I'd visit her." "Can I go to her dorm
?"

"No, that room is shared. The girl she shared it with thought it was unlucky and went home. She's only coming back
this weekend.

" "Oh, okay then. I'll come again when I have time."

I asked the old lady as I walked out of the dorm building.

"Aunt Wang, how did Zhang Qian die?"

Suicide, hanging...

My head felt heavy, and sweat streamed down my forehead. The same feeling as during surgery—dizziness. I leaned against
the willow tree next to my dormitory, vomiting incessantly.

The campus remained as lifeless as ever. Even with the addition of a few new buildings, the air still
smelled of decay.

"Senior, can you hear the cries of vengeful spirits in the wind?

" Vengeful spirits?

Yes, the souls of all the white rats, frogs, and dogs we killed, the souls of those corpses
unable are hovering above our school.

Yes, an unclean school.

Senior's standards for judging things were strange; only clean and unclean existed. We sat on the rooftop
, looking at the ground, sometimes commenting on the myriad beings wriggling around. The people I commented on were varied,
but in Senior's eyes, there was only one type—the unclean. I pointed to a pretty girl, and she would quickly say, "
Her eyes aren't clean." I showed her a handsome young man, and she said those bushy eyebrows looked unclean. "Then who is clean in your
eyes ?" "You!" "What
about what about you, senior?" I asked. She kept her head down and didn't answer. "Senior, look at that guy!" I asked. She glanced at him, and then we both
exclaimed, "Trash!!"

That fat guy was Wang Lianpu, the head of our college's anatomy teaching and research group, who later became my senior's boss. Wang

Lianpu's despicable nature was known throughout the school; he was a spitting image of Yue Buqun from Jin Yong's novels. He served as the
anatomy , and I heard that he earned tens of thousands of yuan a year from students' red envelopes through exams. But even if someone offered money, they couldn't escape
his clutches, because he had clearly told us in class that his grading criteria were entirely based on his own judgment; if he didn't like someone, he would give them a
failing grade. No one could do anything about him; the college knew
about him but never dared to touch him. No one knew what his relationship with the dean was, and no one could escape his notice. It was a miracle that I was able to graduate
. In the second month of my first semester, I threw my systemic anatomy textbook across five tables
at his face. Wang Lianpu was a despicable person who always used blatant questions to embarrass
female students during his lectures, focusing on the anatomy textbook. In a large classroom of over 120 people, one girl was blushing and
flustered . He wouldn't let it go, and seeing the girl about to cry, I threw my book at him and said, "Are you done yet?"
Perhaps he hadn't expected anyone to dare treat him like that, and he stood there awkwardly for a while. Then he picked up my
book from the floor and said, "You're Du Ming from the '96 Anesthesiology class, right? I'll remember that." Later, I heard about Wang Lianpu's terrible behavior from upperclassmen,
but I still cared. That's how my Systemic Anatomy exam paper mysteriously disappeared in the first semester, and of course, I failed. The makeup exam
followed , as I expected, and I failed again, resulting in a severe failure in Systemic Anatomy. When my senior heard me
say this, she tilted her head and looked into my eyes, saying, "I really want to see that scene. You must have been so handsome back then." "
By the way, what about that girl?" I said, quite puzzled, "Who knows? I rarely went to class after that. I've long forgotten who it was,
but she wasn't in our class." My senior colleague laughed heartily. A perfectly good "hero saves the damsel in distress" scenario had
been ruined . "Maybe that girl has already fallen for you." Women love these childish fantasies, and my senior colleague was no
exception. Actually, I really liked her smile; it was so innocent, completely unlike the rumors. Every time I saw her
laugh, I had the urge to ask her about those rumors, but I never did.

When she decided to stay at the university after graduation, I was surprised for a long time. She was going to stay in the anatomy teaching group as a teaching assistant,
specifically to assist Wang Lianpu. I asked her why she did that. She told me that since she didn't like being a doctor,
staying at the university would be a better option, giving her a more relaxed life. "Then you don't have to be that old bastard's teaching assistant, right?" She patted my face. "The university
only had this one position left. Besides, you passed the systemic anatomy exam on your last retake, didn't you? At least Wang Lianpu gave
you a diploma, which is already quite an achievement." I was speechless. After thinking for a moment, I said to my senior, "Senior, this is also
the first time I've made a wish today. I wish for the sunshine, for you and me. That bastard Wang Lianpu will automatically
disappear ." My senior suddenly kissed me on the cheek. "Du Ming, you're so cute." But as she turned away,
something crystal clear and cold landed on my lips—it tasted salty.

I found the phone number of the classmate who had called me in my phone. He seemed somewhat
surprised when he answered. I asked him if he knew why Zhang Qian committed suicide. He said he didn't know either. He heard the police had investigated,
but Zhang Qian was always alone, and even her parents didn't know anything about their daughter. And all the signs
pointed to suicide, so the case was closed that day. I said "Oh," and my friend started to get excited. "How could someone
as just die like that? Our medical school is really strange. After Wang Lianpu disappeared, Zhang Qian
committed suicide..." I hung up before he could finish.

Actually, my senior and I graduated in the same year. I studied anesthesiology, which was a three-year associate degree program. In my senior's words,
I had wasted two fewer years of my youth than her. "What is youth?" I asked my senior. She stammered, "Youth?
Youth is living under the clear sunshine, being with the people you like." "Now that we have the sunshine,
do you have someone you like, senior?" "Maybe." My senior seemed reluctant to talk about her own life, always refusing to answer by remaining silent at this
point . We were both used to it. "Du Ming, have you contacted a hospital yet?
" "Yes." I nodded. "Really!" My senior sounded very happy. "Great! Which hospital?" "Ha, over
there." "Yes, that mountain." I stood on a chair in the middle of the rooftop, pointing far away. My senior
looked at I jumped off the chair and sat on the ground, playing with the book in my hand. "Three months until graduation. I'm
someone who might not even get a diploma. Why bother looking for a hospital?" I continued to
mutter to myself "Actually, it doesn't matter. Anyway, I don't like studying medicine. I hate medicine." "So
, do you bring your medical books to the rooftop every day?" My senior sister stared at me, but I was just reading something I liked. I looked away from her eyes,
and she ruffled my hair. "Okay, Du Ming," she said, "I never make wishes, but for you, I'm making a wish to the sun today.
Du Ming, you'll definitely get your diploma, so you have to promise to become a good doctor after you graduate." "Okay,"
I thought she was just teasing me, but it seems like the first wish can really come true—I actually got
my diploma. The reason was that too many people failed anatomy that year, so everyone was exempted, though some
"processing fees" were required. But when I told her, she just smiled as if she had expected it. When...
"When will you leave school?" I thought she would touch my face and smooth my hair like the previous two times. But to my
surprise , she was unusually cold that day. "In a couple of days." "Oh... another long silence. Write me a letter.
" My senior suddenly said to me. "Okay, senior, let me teach you how to send an email." "No, just letters." My senior was like a willful
child , so I had no choice but to agree. She smiled. But at that moment, I felt that her smile was so unreal. Suddenly
, I felt like I had entered a dream, and everything around me began to feel unreal. Maybe it was because I had graduated from university
.

At eight o'clock in the morning, I had just arrived at the hospital. The head doctor pulled me aside. "Du Ming,
it's good that you want to take the postgraduate entrance exam, but I still hope you do your job well. Our hospital is small, and we don't have many anesthesiologists. Although we
don't have many surgeries, if you don't perform them, our workload will be very tight." I replied to the head doctor briefly, then changed into
sterile gowns and went into the operating room to see Wang Yao.

For some reason, Wang Yao kept making mistakes on the operating table today. She looked unwell,
her eyes, hidden behind the sterile cap and mask, seemed devoid of any brightness. Seeing she had a moment to spare, I quietly approached her from behind; she
seemed completely oblivious to my presence. I lightly tapped her waist with my finger, and a gasp
startled everyone in the operating room. Thankfully, the patient was under general anesthesia and wasn't awakened. The head of the thoracic surgery department glared at Wang Yao, and
the head nurse rushed into the operating room in fright. Wang Yao turned to look at me, not with the usual reproach, but with a look I
'd never seen before in her eyes. I placed my hands on her waist, gently pressed my forehead against her back, and whispered
an apology . I felt her body trembling, and I quickly slipped out of the operating room.

At noon, I went to the hospital rooftop alone, lost in thought. The rooftop was small; I spread my white coat
on the floor and lay down. Gazing up at the sky, that deep blue seemed to slowly press down on you if you looked at it for too long. Just as
my thoughts began to wander, suddenly someone jumped down beside me, landing heavily on my shoulder.
"Ouch!" Wang Yao put one hand on my shoulder while adjusting her skirt. I tilted my head to look at her, and she was
looking at me too. She suddenly threw herself into my arms and started crying.

The night before leaving school, the whole class went out for a farewell dinner. Halfway through the meal,
more than a dozen boys were drunk, and the girls were behaving awfully. It was then that I realized women are truly different; I never imagined that
an ugly woman would look even uglier when drunk. The restaurant was like a scene from a chaotic dance of demons. I ran away and
wandered alone on campus. It was dark on campus; it must have been almost nine o'clock in June. I climbed onto the rooftop with some anticipation,
only to find the person I was thinking of still there, in the dim light. A few rays of moonlight enveloped my senior, her
hair flowing as usual. She held onto the railing, head tilted back. I stood behind her and took a deep breath,
mimicking . Then I made the only decision I made in this university. I went up and grabbed her
shoulders, and she trembled violently. Zhang Qian. This was the first and last time I
called my senior's name in front of her, something I never expected. She didn't answer; she just stood there quietly, silently. I rested my head on her
shoulder and kissed her hair. Her freshly washed hair smelled of morning dew. I wrapped my arms
around her, realizing for the first time how fragile her shoulders were. "Come with me." She lowered her head, and everything
fell silent. I heard my own heartbeat, my own breathing. I heard
the sound of water droplets falling on my arm, making it feel heavy. Suddenly, she laughed, brushed my hand away, and turned
to me, saying, "Do you remember what you said about me when we first met?" "Those are just what other people said; why do you
care?" She walked closer to me. "Alright, now I'll tell you the truth." She squatted down, her hands groping between my
legs . Looking up at my astonished face, she said, "Today, I'll give you a free ride." I pushed her away. She
sat on the ground, her hands behind her back, and opened her legs to face me. "Look, this is the kind of bitch I am, so what?
Still interested?" Her face was so pale, her laughter so grating. She raised her head, her laughter
trembling, her body convulsing. "Du Ming, you're too pure, I can't be with you." I
couldn't , I rushed off the rooftop…

I always felt helpless in the face of a girl's crying. I gently patted Wang Yao's back, and after a while
, the trembling of her shoulders lessened. I touched her hair; it was very similar to my senior's hair, equally smooth.
Actually, Wang Yao had many similarities to my senior, which was why I liked being close to her. Wang Yao
climbed off me, looked at me, and said, "Du Ming, why don't you ask me why I'm crying?" I wiped away her
tears . "If you want me to know, you'll tell me." Wang Yao hummed in agreement and rested her head on my shoulder. "Why
weren't you by my side then? Why did that happen?" I leaned down slightly, making Wang Yao more
comfortable. "Du Ming, do you know?" Something happened the day before yesterday. I can't tell anyone about it, but I can't bear this
pain alone. I'm in so much pain, what should I do? I patted her face, and she
gripped my arm tightly, her head pressed against my shoulder, her fingernails digging into my flesh.

I was raped.

What! She leaned back slightly. She whispered, "No, it should be considered date rape. Because I have no
idea who did it." How could this happen? I don't know either. It happened the night before last, when I was on duty.
Around 5 PM, after dinner, the head nurse and Dr. Peng were listening to storytelling in the break room. I didn't like it and found it annoying, so I took a novel to
your men's break room, lay down on the bed in the outer room, read for a while, and fell asleep. When I woke up... I
looked at Wang Yao, not knowing what to say. She sniffed and continued talking. My head was spinning, and at first I didn't feel anything.
But when I came to, I found that my lower body was very uncomfortable and a little painful. That's when I realized that my underwear
had been taken off and placed next to me, covered in blood and sticky semen. "Wang Yao, could it be your
imagination?" "How could that be? Didn't you even realize you were being raped?" Wang Yao said loudly, making the conversation suddenly
awkward. After a while, I asked her, "Wang Yao, who do you think did it?" "Song Yang, only Song Yang. He was on duty
that night, and he was the only man on the entire third floor. He's been grinning at me these past two days; I really want
to stab him to death with a scalpel." Wang Yao said bitterly, her upper body straight, her eyes filled with something terrifying. After another
long while, I asked again, "Why are you telling me all this, Wang Yao?" Wang Yao's body went limp, leaning against me. I...
"I know, I don't dare tell my parents, and I don't dare call the police, it's too shameful. I just want to forget about it,
but I can't. It was my first time, and I lost it under these circumstances." Wang Yao said softly, "Du Ming,
I don't know why, but seeing you by my side makes me feel better. I want to tell you this, maybe you'll
look down on , but I still want you to know. Because I'm really suffering alone." I put my hands around her from behind
and hugged her. "Wang Yao, let me help you share the burden." Wang Yao slid from my shoulder into my arms, "Du Ming, do you like me
?" "Yes," I moved and hugged her even tighter. "Du Ming, I've liked you ever since you came into our operating room,
but now this has happened, otherwise I would be with you." I gently rocked Wang Yao, and slowly
she fell asleep in my arms.

After graduating and returning home, I always thought that things might just end there. But not long after I started working, I
received a letter from my senior. This really excited me. There was only one sheet of paper. My senior's handwriting was very neat, and the letter
was written in a very formal and orderly manner, almost as if devoid of any emotion. In the letter, she told me that she had started
working and that every day she would sit in the anatomy lab waiting for the sunset to stream through the window and fall on her. She
said that she would still go to the dormitory rooftop when she had time; the old dormitory had become her and some of the teachers who stayed on campus. The
rooftop would never again hold that big boy in sky-blue jeans and an orange t-shirt, barefoot. At the end of the letter, she
wrote , "Du Ming wants to hear your voice, wants to chat with you. And I want to tell you that your first wish has come true.
Wang Lianpu has really disappeared."

That evening, after taking Wang Yao home, I had just gotten home when Wang Yao called. Wang Yao's
voice sounded like a child's; she said she wanted to hear my voice. I told her I was going to take a shower and would call her back later, and she
happily hung up. Lying in bed, I organized the things I had brought back from the hospital. I tucked the phone under my neck and
dialed Wang Yao's number. The phone rang only once before Wang Yao's voice came through. Her voice sounded strange; she
must be hiding under the covers with the extension. We chatted for a bit, but I didn't say much. Then Wang Yao started crying again.
I didn't know how to comfort her. Suddenly, she said fiercely, "I hate Song Yang." "Are you sure it was Song
Yang?" I asked. "Yes, I've been thinking about it repeatedly these past two days. It must be Song Yang. I just don't understand why I slept so soundly,
even then… I didn't wake up." "It was ether, right? Last month, Song Yang asked me for some isoflurane, saying it
was for dog's surgery." I said, fiddling with the bottle of isoflurane in my hand. Wang Yao's emotions became
unstable. "I'm going to sue Song Yang!" "Did you wash those underwear?" Wang Yao whispered into the phone. "I washed them as soon as I woke up
." "Then there's no evidence. Even if I testify for you, it won't work; it will only let everyone know about
it ." Wang Yao thought for a while and said, "I can't stay in the same hospital as Song Yang anymore." "Make Song Yang leave the hospital."
I casually mentioned it, and Wang Yao asked, "How do we get him to leave? His family has connections at the health bureau." "Then make him disappear," I replied.
"Once he disappears, everything will be resolved." Wang Yao had stopped crying by then, and she repeated my words, "Once he disappears,
everything will be resolved."

I received my senior's letter and immediately called her. Her voice was somewhat calm, which dampened
my excitement. She asked how the hospital I worked at was. I said it was great; the hospital was in the suburbs.
Behind the hospital was a mountain, and the entire compound had over a dozen large trees, each over a meter thick, where squirrels often
scurried about . "Isn't it beautiful?" she said. My senior sighed on the other end of the line, "Wang Lianpu has disappeared. He's just vanished." I
said "Oh," and she continued, "His wife reported him missing. He hadn't come home all day, hadn't called,
and no one answered his pager. Since then, Wang Lianpu hasn't been seen again." "That's good," I said, "you don't have to be
his teaching assistant anymore." Although I said this, I sensed my senior wasn't happy. "Why?" I don't know either. I'm
starting to realize I've never understood women.

Wang Yao's eyes were red; she clearly hadn't slept well last night. At noon, I took her for a walk around the back of the hospital.
She was like a frightened little animal, clutching my sleeve tightly with her fingers and nervously asking, "Du Ming, what
are we doing in the backyard?" "Just showing you around. Look at you now." I took her hand and held it in mine. I led
her up the hillside and pointed to the back of the hospital building. "Aren't those chrysanthemums over there pretty?" She seemed very happy. "Yeah, I
'll go pick a few." "Hey, you'd better not go. Do you know why those wild chrysanthemums grow so well?" Wang Yao shook her head. "
Because the patients in the tuberculosis ward always dump their pleural effusion and bloody sputum from upstairs onto those chrysanthemums.
How disgusting!" Wang Yao punched me hard. I pretended to yell in pain, and we walked to the other
side of the hillside. "Wang Yao, do you know what that is?" "A stove, I guess." "Yeah, that's our hospital's incinerator. Every Monday,
they put used disposable instruments and surgically removed thigh parts in there to burn. I knew it, there's always a strange smell in the hospital
on Mondays ." "Du Ming, let's go, this place is too unlucky, I'm a little scared," Wang Yao said, pulling me
along. As I followed her back, I said, "That incinerator burns at high temperatures; anything put in it will
be burned
." As we approached the hospital entrance, Wang Yao suddenly said, "By the way, Du Ming, I'm on the night shift this Sunday. The on-call surgeon seems to be Song Yang again. Could you switch with Dr. Peng and keep me company on the night shift?" "No problem," I
nodded . Wang Yao smiled and gently pulled her hand away from mine. I put my hands in my white coat pockets
and said, "By the way, Wang Yao, could you get me a set of general surgery instruments? I'm performing surgery on my friend's dog on Saturday, so I just
don't want the head nurse to know." Wang Yao hummed in agreement and skipped upstairs. She seemed completely carefree
.

Early Saturday morning, I rode my motorcycle back to school. The wind whistled past my ears, and my mind
raced with memories of the past. I stopped my motorcycle in front of the apartment building opposite the school, and as I dismounted,
I found myself surprisingly aroused. I pressed it down with my clothes, slung my backpack over my shoulder, and walked into the school. Since
I had been there last week, I didn't need to say anything; Aunt Wang at the dormitory gate let me in.
Before leaving, I asked her for the name of the girl who shared a room with the senior student, and then went upstairs.

This old dormitory building only had three floors, previously divided by staircases, with boys' dormitories on the left and girls' on the right. Now,
the boys' dormitories on the left had become storage rooms. Walking on the wooden floor, I could hear creaking sounds. The building reeked
of mildew, and the walls in the hallways were always damp with a thin layer of moisture. On the second-floor main hall, there was still a poster of my old...
A lost and found notice from school. The toilet in the corner, with its door open, was still piled high with toilet paper. The broken
faucet was still there, simply wrapped with a few strips of plastic, but water still
seeped out from the cracks. I went into the washroom to wash my face and saw a woman's white underwear soaking in the sink and basin. It looked like it
had been worn for a long time, with indelible yellow stains.

I knocked on the door of room 406, but there was no response, though the door wasn't locked. I pushed the door open, and a
woman in a purple nightgown sat up in bed, rubbing her eyes, looking at me. That day I was wearing dark blue European-style jeans, a
Baleno plaid shirt (the hem wasn't tucked in), a light-colored coat (unzipped), and a silver-gray bag
slung over . I smiled at the girl. "You're Zhao Ying, right?" Zhao Ying hesitated. I continued, "
You don't know me? I came today to ask you about Zhang Qian." Zhao Ying said irritably, "Who are you?"
"What's the point of asking questions
when someone's dead ?" My name is Du Ming, and I was Zhang Qian's high school classmate. Zhang Qian's sudden accident surprised me. Zhao Ying didn't doubt my words, just said "oh" and sat back down on the bed. Then she pointed upwards;
the upper bunk was Zhang Qian's bed, and all her things were here. Her family didn't take them when they came. I'm going to have the guard throw them all
away, is that okay? I stood at the head of the bed, gently brushing my hand from the pillow to the sheet. The wrinkles were left by
my senior ; she always ran down from this bed to answer my calls. I buried my head in the blanket;
the dusty blanket made me feel suffocated, and my tears slowly soaked the blanket. After a while, I felt
something touching my leg. I looked down and saw Zhao Ying lying there spread-eagled,
kicking me with her right foot dangling over the edge of the bed. "Hey, are you really her classmate? What's your relationship?" Actually, I pursued Zhang Qian in high school,
but she didn't agree. Then I went abroad and only came back this year. When she returned, she was dead. Really? Hearing
this, Zhao Ying sat up abruptly, looking at me intently. "No way, you're so handsome, how could Zhang Qian
disagree?" "Because I'm two years younger than Zhang Qian." "Really? I said you looked quite young. Still thinking about Zhang Qian?"
Zhao Ying saw my blushing face and silence, assuming I was shy. She stood up and shuffled along the edge of the bed to my side. Smiling
, she said, "You should just forget about Zhang Qian. Even if she weren't dead, she wouldn't be worth all this."

My breathing grew heavier, and sweat began to pour down. My ears were ringing, and my
vision began to blur. Zhao Ying noticed my change and asked what was wrong. I said I might be a little carsick.
Zhao Ying seized the opportunity to support me, her chest intentionally or unintentionally pressing against my arm. "Can I lie down on the bed for a while?" I
pointed to Zhang Qian's bed—that's a dead man's bed! Zhao Ying looked at me incredulously. "It's okay," I said, taking off
my shoes and climbing onto the bed, which was a bit small. "You're so brave, you should really study medicine. Maybe so, aren't you just as fearless, even
staying in this room without changing?" Zhao Ying laughed, "That's how medical students are, what's there to be afraid of? Besides, dorms
are so crowded, it's rare to have a room all to myself." I then asked Zhao Ying, "What was it like the day Zhang Qian died?"

Medical school graduates, both men and women, tend to be indifferent to life and death, Zhao Ying said casually.
But if death were to happen to her, would she still be so calm? Actually, it's quite strange, there was nothing unusual about Zhang Qian
on the day . She was still tidying her clothes, reading, taking notes, and going out once in the afternoon. When my
boyfriend and I came back that evening, she was still quietly lying on the bed. The next morning, when I got up
, I found her sitting on the bed. After I went to the bathroom and opened the curtains, I realized she was dead; she had hanged herself while sitting up.
She paused, as if waiting to hear my surprised voice. I just turned over and lay flat, saying, "How is that possible
? How can someone hang themselves while sitting up?" Zhao Ying was somewhat disappointed, but she continued. She threaded a rope through the ring of
the mosquito net , then crossed her legs and sat on the edge of the bed. The rope was just the right length so that
her body leaned forward without falling off the bed. The police said she had taken a lot of sleeping pills before hanging herself. She must have
waited until she felt herself about to faint before putting the rope on, thus dying without any pain. Zhao Ying paused for a while,
and seeing that I didn't speak, she asked me, "How was it? Scared stiff?" I looked at the iron ring above my head and asked, "
What was Zhang Qian wearing when she died?" "Huh? Why are you asking that?" She was wearing a white gauze dress that day, sitting on the bed, with the mosquito
net covering her head. I didn't even see the hanging rope at first. Her head was so low, her hair completely
covering her face, and her hands were naturally bent and placed on her legs. I never thought that bitch would be so pure even in death. Zhao Ying
probably realized what she had said, so she stopped speaking again, then quietly stood up to look at me. She thought I
was asleep and stopped talking.

Junior brother, are there really so many ways to hang yourself?

Well, the most comprehensive explanation of hanging methods comes from China's first forensic medicine book. Chinese people seem quite superstitious about hanging
as a method of death. Especially in rural areas, the book says some people even believe that hanging oneself while sitting or lying down can
preserve one's spirit, the so-called "spirit leaving the body," leading to immortality.

But how can one hang oneself while sitting?

Actually, it's just a matter of angle. I put my left fist on my head; you see, that's the rope tied around my neck,
and I'm sitting like this. If you lean forward, gravity will pull the rope. As long as you
don't disrupt the balance, that is, maintain your sitting posture, you're fine.

Hey, Du Ming, you study this stuff every day, don't you have nightmares at night?

From that day on, my senior sister strictly forbade me from talking about these things anymore. My senior sister doesn't have much of a view on life and death; living has no
meaning, but I have no reason to die either. If I had a sufficient reason, I would commit suicide. This is what my senior sister told me.
I once told my senior sister that the reason I studied death was because I was afraid of dying. Looking at these things is simply to give myself
a more realistic understanding of my fear of death, but the results are always disappointing. I once asked my senior colleague
what kind of reason could make her lose her will to live, but she wouldn't tell me.

Lying on her bed, I covered my eyes with one hand because they started to tear up again. My other
hand unconsciously groped along the wall beside me. The wall was pockmarked, and with each touch of my fingers, more plaster fell off
. My hand stopped at my waist, where there were many scratches,
marks left by fingernails. They were fresh, the cut edges still snow-white. These were my senior colleague's fingernail marks. I could imagine her lying on the bed like this now
, her left hand scratching the wall hard, her face expressionless.

In a hazy daze, I saw my senior, the one who first climbed onto the rooftop, the
one who . She was wearing that white gauze dress and pink strappy sandals. Her toes were very white, and through her translucent skin, I could
vaguely see the blue veins. She radiated light, like a goddess. Just like the first time we met,
she sat beside me, hugging her knees, her head resting on her knees, tilting her head to look at me. The hem of her dress swayed gently,
but I couldn't hear what she was saying...

I knew Zhao Ying was staring at me. I opened my eyes and met hers. She didn't look away at all;
on the contrary , she raised an eyebrow and said, "Handsome, you look quite good while sleeping. I was going to steal a kiss from you." "Oh, I'll make up for it now
." I reached out to touch her ear, and Zhao Ying suddenly pounced on me. After a passionate kiss, Zhao Ying breathed a sigh of relief
and said, "Get off, I don't want to go to that dead man's bed." "

Women in medical school are either frigid or sluts"—that was the unanimous opinion of us male students in medical school. Several times I
wanted to shut Zhao Ying up. What was there to be afraid of? School hadn't started yet, and none of the other teachers had returned. She
nonchalantly shook off my hand, then took a condom from the bedside table and made me put it on. Once
the pretense , a person's true nature is revealed. Zhao Ying exaggeratedly moved while panting and shouting. I
pressed her shoulders and called her a slut. She stopped and looked at me, saying, "You know, Zhang Qian is a slut,
a whore, just like me." Zhao Ying said indignantly under me, "I knew that whore from the moment I entered the school. Although she
pretended to be high and mighty on the surface, she was incredibly slutty at heart. Back then, all the boys in the school paid attention to her, and I was really indignant at her
arrogant attitude. Living with her made me even more unhappy. Now that no man is chasing after her, what's the point of pretending?"
Zhao Ying chuckled, lifted herself up and hugged me tightly, biting my ear. "On the afternoon
of the day , my boyfriend and I were making love under Zhang Qian, just like this."

Time passed quickly, and before leaving, I asked Zhao Ying for her phone number. Zhao Ying happily gave it to me and
told me that her boyfriend usually only contacted her on Wednesdays and Fridays. As I went downstairs, I
greeted Aunt Wang at the gatehouse. The old lady gave me a strange look, perhaps because she had heard something earlier. I
wandered around the campus; there were still two weeks until the start of the semester, and the campus was almost deserted. I walked to the anatomy lab building;
the IC card phone downstairs was still there. I remembered making a pager call here a year ago. I picked up the phone, and
Zhao Ying seemed surprised to hear my voice on the other end. I said, "Zhao Ying, I missed you." She laughed heartily, saying,
"You men are all the same," and then asked where I was. I said I was downstairs. She said, "Wait for me," and hung
up. I stood in the anatomy building looking out. A moment later, Zhao Ying came out of her dormitory. She was wearing green
cropped pants and a white t-shirt. Although Zhao Ying wasn't particularly beautiful, she had a good figure. She
walked towards the school gate, looking around. When she reached the anatomy building, I grabbed her and hugged her tightly. She gasped, but when she saw
it was me, she hugged me again and kissed me. I said, "Why didn't you wear a bra when you came out?" She winked playfully, "Too much
trouble, I'll have to take it off later anyway." I pulled her hand and ran upstairs
. As I pulled her along, she said, "Hey, do you even know where this is? You're just running up." I turned around and asked her, "Where is this?" She walked in front of me, made
a face at me, and said, "This is our school's anatomy lab building, it's full of human specimens." "Really?" I stuck out
my tongue . She proudly pulled me along, "Come on, let me show you." Two years had passed, and nothing had changed. Familiar place,
familiar smells. Even the broken lock hadn't been changed. Zhao Ying pushed open the door and said, "How about it? Never seen anything like it before, have you?
Everything here is 100% real. The tables are covered with small specimens, and in that little room next door is
a large pool filled with corpses." I smiled and hugged her. Zhao Ying spread the white coat hanging by the door
onto the table, lying there with her legs tightly wrapped around my body. After the passion subsided, I looked into Zhao Ying's eyes.
"Zhao Ying, do you know what you did wrong?" Zhao Ying looked at me in surprise. I covered her mouth and nose with
a handkerchief , and said to her, "Your mistake was living with Zhang Qian.

" Zhao Ying's body went completely limp. Out of humanitarian considerations, I strangled her first. If I
strangled , the person's dying struggle would cause sphincter muscle incontinence, which would be very dirty, so
I wouldn't do such a stupid thing. I didn't need to take off her clothes, because she wasn't wearing any. Dying
in might be a pleasurable thing, at least I didn't make Zhao Ying suffer at all. I put her on the ground,
then took out an epidural needle from my bag, one end of which was connected to a medical tubing. I lowered one end of the tubing into
the drain on the lab floor, then aimed the needle at Zhao Ying's carotid artery and plunged it in. Perhaps I should insert another needle into her
femoral artery; that would make her blood drain faster, so there wouldn't be too much blood flowing out later.
I took off my clothes, and the memorial ceremony officially began. Senior sister, all of this is for you. I don't want
you to live alone in that world. I've found someone to keep you company. Zhao Ying's skin was smooth, elastic, and
radiant, but now it was devoid of color. Her cold body felt like a marble statue. My hand
lingered on her breasts for a long time; I knew I couldn't bear to defile such a beauty. Humans don't have
the right to choose life; this is our eternal tragedy. Those who cannot choose death are an even greater tragedy, but
why choose death and leave sorrow for others? I used a scalpel to make incisions under Zhao Ying's jaw, all the way to her
mons pubis, then made several horizontal incisions on her neck, armpits, ribs, groin, and both sides of her ankles.
The next step was to begin from the head. I first used a retractor to hook the incision on Zhao Ying's chin and then pulled upwards forcefully,
separating the skin of her head from the skin of her neck. Then, I used scissors to cut open the back of her head from the neck. I
knelt on Zhao Ying's body, grabbed her ears, and ripped them off. The mask Zhao Ying wore when she was alive was now in my
hands. Looking at her face, covered in muscle fibers and blood, I cried. Without eyelids, Zhao Ying's eyes were
wide open. I looked at them, picked up a needle, and plunged it in.

By the time I had completely removed the subcutaneous tissue from Zhao Ying's torso, it was already getting dark. Perhaps because of
the two sexual encounters during the day, I felt very tired. Beside me were the ripped human skins; Zhao Ying's corpse still
had the skin of her limbs left on, looking somewhat comical. I decided to stop for now and lay down on the ground to sleep. If you were there that day...
Passing through the autopsy lab, you'll see two naked figures on the floor under the moonlight. One is
a corpse with only the skin of its limbs remaining, the other is tightly embracing itself, head bowed towards its legs, hands tucked into
its chest , a posture like a fetus in a pregnant woman's womb. That person is me. I was awakened by the night wind in the middle of the night,
my skin crawling with goosebumps. It was very uncomfortable, but I couldn't put on clothes yet; my
body was covered in Zhao Ying's blood. I started to get a little impatient, hastily peeling away all the skin from Zhao Ying's limbs.
Luckily, Zhao Ying was very thin, with almost no fat, so the formaldehyde wouldn't cause those annoying fat
particles to float to the surface. Looking at my work, my technique wasn't as perfect as a butcher's, but my speed was still
unmatched . I used a scalpel to cut off the large chunks of fat and lymph nodes remaining on Zhao Ying's body, but
there were still some mammary glands and lymph nodes on her chest that I couldn't completely clean. I accidentally severed several pectoral muscles, so I
gave up . The corpse, covered in fat and blood, looked filthy. I found a rubber tube in the lab and connected it
to a tap in the corner. The cold water hit me, and I shivered. I turned the flow down, letting the water stream over Zhao Ying
's face. The red blood, white fascia, and yellow fat swirled and
disappeared in the water. I felt dejected. Standing in front of the mirror, I saw blood on my hands and chest.
My lower abdomen was also covered in blood; my pubic hair was matted with blood, and my penis was shrunken and pressed tightly against my body,
unusually cold. The blood on my legs had dried, the edges curling up. I gently peeled it off,
bringing it to my lips. It melted into a sticky mass, still tasting fishy. I took out my key from my bag and opened the small room door.
The plastic jacket and hooks were still there; with the construction of the new lab building, these things seemed to have been unused for a long time.
But the thick layer of dust still showed signs of someone having been there. The lid of the formaldehyde pool wasn't properly closed; no wonder
the smell of formaldehyde could be smelled downstairs. I moved the heavy lid aside and peeked into the pool.
Hey, I've come to see you.

I put on my leather jacket and hooked Zhao Ying's body with a hook. Let's read this body's original name one last time
, because now, only a DNA test can reveal who she is. But the police could never imagine that a missing
person would be lying in a pool of corpses, undressed. So, I, Du Ming, declared Zhao Ying missing according to the law.
I threw the body into the pool with the hook, and sure enough, it half-floated. I jumped into the pool, flipped over
the bodies at the bottom, and placed them on top of Zhao Ying's body. The body at the top seemed to have deliberately flipped over,
showing me its face. Having been submerged for over a year, the muscles had long lost their bright red color and luster, and
the eye sockets were just deep, gaping holes. His mouth looked like it had been pried open; many of the muscle fibers around his mouth were broken. I
kicked his head to the side, and in the morning sunlight, I saw something glowing inside his mouth. It was
a gold tooth, gleaming with the same earthy yellow light as the corpse. I used the hook to poke hard,
smashing the corpse's jaw.

After finishing, I hastily rinsed my body and the lab floor with water. I
used a scalpel to cut the peeled skin into small pieces and threw them into the toilet in several batches. With a flush, the pieces went down the drain
smoothly . All that remained in my hand was the facial skin with hair and two heavy pieces of flesh—
Zhao Ying's breasts. I picked up the hood and examined it for a while, thinking of things from martial arts novels. Standing in front of the mirror, I
compared it to the other side, but couldn't seem to find any possible explanation for disguise. This human skin mask couldn't be fake, could it?
It seems even Jin Yong couldn't connect theory with reality. Holding Zhao Ying's face in my hands for too long gave me a strange
feeling . I put her breasts and face in a plastic bag, then put them in my shoulder bag along with my tools and Zhao Ying's clothes
. I got dressed and carefully walked out of the lab building. I didn't go through the main entrance; I
jumped over the wall next to the lab building. When I got to the residential area next to the school, I found two
cuts , and vomit next to the tires. For some reason, I felt incredibly good. I discovered that
someone had done the same thing to me last night, except they were drunk, and I was sober. "

Junior, give me a gift."

"Hmm." "

Why don't you ask why you want a gift?" "

It's your birthday, next week."

My senior smiled. "I didn't expect you to know." Actually, I know far more than you think. Your
birthday, your measurements, even your menstrual cycle. After I said this, my senior
was silent for a long time on the phone, then whispered, "Du Ming, I'm so happy, it's true." I used to hate it when people asked me these things,
but I still wanted people to know. That person is you. Listening to my senior's words, I felt she was cruel, because
she was torturing not only herself but also me. "So, that day..." My senior interrupted me immediately, "Du Ming, stop talking
. I won't be with you." "Why?" "Because you're too innocent." I chuckled dryly and said, "Senior, I
know you so well, but how much do you know about me?" She said, "A lot. You're very naive, your thoughts are always so beautiful. You're
more suited to the demure, dependent type of girl, not me." I sighed, "Okay, then what kind of gift do you
want ?" "Anything is fine, as long as it's from you.

" Those days I was indeed quite agitated. I began to believe that everything had a cause and effect. I knew that everything that had happened
couldn't be laughed off like in our previous conversations. This outcome was my doing, my senior's doing, and we had to
bear all of this. The actor cries on stage, but the audience is always so indifferent. I can no longer change my
lines, and my performance has reached its climax. Even with a chorus of boos, I must continue. Senior sister, the prince in your one-
act play might be the clown in another. Perhaps you'll discover this when you turn around, and what will
surely make you turn around is the prince's call.

When I drove to the gas station, I turned off the highway and onto a bumpy, narrow road. The early autumn morning
in the countryside was already shrouded in a thin mist, which felt as cold as someone's tears on my face. A
tree branch jutted out from behind a wall, with a few apples scattered on it. I reached out and picked one, but it was still green and astringent.
Several dogs darted and jumped around me; I seemed to smell nice. They circled me
silently . I reached back and took a piece of meat from my bag and threw it among the dogs. They sniffed it with great interest.
They sniffed it, then excitedly bit down. In less than a minute, those stupid dogs had devoured her 34D breasts.
The remaining skin with bright red nipples was too much for them to swallow, and two dogs were desperately pulling and tugging at each other, trying
to fight over that last bit of dessert. I picked up a branch and hit the two dogs. They barked a few times, then sheepishly
ran away. I used the branch to lift the skin and flung it into the dry toilet beside the path. On my way out,
I hung Zhao Ying's clothes on the apple tree as a reward for the apple. I threw the remaining half of
her breast , Zhao Ying's face skin, and her underwear into the latrine and garbage can I passed along the way.
When I got home, it was already past eight in the morning. I took a quick shower and fell asleep.

When I opened my eyes again, it was past three in the afternoon. I hadn't dreamed; it was a rare good sleep in a year.
Unfortunately, the phone kept ringing in my ears, and I reluctantly picked it up. Wang Yao's voice came through immediately,
choked with sobs. "Du Ming, why aren't you here yet? It's almost time for the shift to end." "I was so
tired from the dog's surgery yesterday, I just woke up." "Hmph, you forgot what you promised me over a dog?" Holding the phone, I
could picture Wang Yao pouting. "I didn't forget, I was going to keep you company tonight." Not a single serious word
. "Are you coming or not?" I chuckled and said, "Of course I'm coming. By the way, Wang Yao, what color underwear are you wearing today?" Wang Yao let
out a soft "Ah," and then whispered, "The same as the one you saw last time." I didn't tease her further, just asked what she wanted to eat.
Wang Yao yelled, "I want Nestlé ice cream!"

Arriving at the hospital, I found a package in the guardhouse, sent by my senior colleague. I looked at the slip of paper;
it was her handwriting, very messy. Unfortunately, it was Sunday, so I'd have to pick it up tomorrow. Upstairs, Wang Yao
saw me shouting and yelling. She wanted to feed me ice cream and play cards with the nurses. I could tell she was
pretending , but I still tried my best to cooperate. After dinner, she secretly pulled my hand and led me into the men's
changing room. I was a little scared. "I want you to keep me company tonight," I said. "Sure," I agreed with a smile. She smiled brightly and said, "
Wait for me." When Wang Yao came back, she was holding a drink. "I made you this coffee especially. I don't want you
to fall asleep anytime soon. We're going to talk all night." "Okay," I took the cup and took a sip.
When , I casually poured the contents of the cup into a flowerpot on the windowsill. Wang Yao stared at me for a while, and when she was sure I
was asleep, she quietly stepped over me, opened the window, and jumped out. After her footsteps
disappeared from my ears, I sat up, moved the flowerpot to another windowsill, and reopened the window she had closed
, because there was no handle on the outside, so Wang Yao couldn't open it from the outside.

I lay in bed wearing a white coat; it was already getting dark. A breeze blew in through the open window,
carrying the faint chirping of crickets—there shouldn't be any crickets this time of year. But
nothing is absolute. If you use the right methods, you can live a good life. When you feel you can't live, it's just that
your lifestyle is wrong, it has nothing to do with society. You shouldn't deny the facts, you shouldn't run away; otherwise
, the facts will remain the facts. You have to change them for them to become history. I held the postal slip in my left hand, my right
hand rubbing between my thighs. Maybe only this way could make the night a little easier. I kept imagining my senior's mouth,
her waist, and I masturbated incessantly. As my fluids gushed out, I bit my hand to stop myself from
crying. After a long time, the wind in the room suddenly died down. A soft body was beside me; her arms
wrapped around me from behind. I softly called out "Senior," and then fell into a deep sleep.

The next morning at the meeting, Sun Yan, the nurse on duty opposite me, looked at Wang Yao and me with a sly grin. Wang Yao
seemed a little embarrassed. I gently squeezed her hand under the table, and she smiled at me. After handing over my shift,
before I could even change, Wang Yao burst in. She hugged me tightly, and I quickly closed the locker room door. "
What are you doing?" Wang Yao buried her face in my chest, avoiding my gaze. "Du Ming, I'll come to your place later. I don't want to go home today."
I stroked her hair. "It's okay, you're both tired. Go home and rest first. I'll call you tonight." Wang Yao
looked up into my eyes for a long time, then nodded, smiled, and left my embrace. As she turned to close the door,
she quickly kissed me on the cheek. Wang Yao's lips were moist, warm yet slightly cool. I stood there,
touching my face, listening to the sound of Wang Yao's plastic slippers hitting the ground outside fading into the distance, a faint
echo ringing in my ears. I felt as if I were in a dream, a dream I had once had, and that sense of unreality
returned . I walked out of the operating room. The surgery department downstairs was noisy; it seemed the surgeon on duty yesterday hadn't
shown up yet.

I went to the post office. A clerk handed me a box about the size of a shoebox across the counter.
My address was written on it, and the contents section read: books. I took the package, turned around, and heard my own
heartbeat.

Back home, facing that package, I didn't know if I should open it. Finally, I opened it.
At that moment, my heartbeat and breathing stopped; time seemed to stand still. My movements were slow,
as if afraid something inside would appear and disappear between my fingers in an instant. Opening the box, on top were
several letters I had written to my senior classmate and two postcards. Below that was a diary with a beautiful cover.
Opening it revealed pink title pages, but they were blank. I flipped through them again; still blank,
only the date was written at the top. I put the diary aside. Only a black pager remained in the box.
I pressed the switch; the pager battery still had a little power. There were a few messages inside, the latest one being:
"Teacher Wang, please come to the anatomy lab immediately after work, Zhang Qian." I flipped through my letters again, but still found
nothing. I had no choice but to lie on the bed, surrounded by the things I'd taken out of the box. I stared at the ceiling, motionless,
time painfully slipping away before my eyes. The crack in the ceiling slowly widened in my vision.
Suddenly, I remembered something, sat up, and opened my senior's diary, counting the dates. Finally, at
the very end, I found her handwriting. It was very messy, with several sections wet, the words blurred.
The date written in the upper left corner was July 4th, her birthday.

Junior, this is the first and last time I've written in a diary. The initial reason I bought this diary was to record...
Every day I think of you, yet when I pick up a pen, I don't know how to begin. It's ridiculous, isn't it?
Du Ming, every time I think of you, I feel dizzy, a terrifying feeling. Every morning when I wake up, the first
rays of sunlight on me feel like your gaze, so warm. Every day, sitting in the office,
holding a glass ring, looking out the window, looking at the rooftop of the dormitory building across the street, looking at the sky above, everything from before seems so
vivid. Nights are the hardest for me. Lying in bed, I
can't stop thinking of you, your gentle smile, your soft lips, your strong arms. Every night I wake up startled,
repeatedly carving your name on the wall, then crossing it out. But I still can't control myself. I imagine my fingers are yours,
I use them to caress my body, caress my legs. How I wish you could really be by my
side , really kiss my breasts, caress my skin with your fingers, explore my body. Du Ming, tell me
none of this is real. Why did I meet you? Why did you go to the rooftop that day? Why did I meet
you? Why did I, in my despair, see a glimmer of light, only to find it was a candle in the hand of death,
merely to illuminate my path to heaven?

I came to this school in 1994, full of dreams, imagining myself in a clean
white coat, a sacred figure relieving patients' suffering. Being a doctor was the profession I respected most, my
dream . I was so naive then, so happy every day, proud to be living in medical school.
And so, the pretty and lively Zhang Qian quickly became the focus of attention for the men in the medical school. At first, I didn't dislike the boys
in medical school ; they all seemed energetic, healthy, and clean. Many classmates and upperclassmen
surrounded me, making me feel like a princess. The princess's happy life soon
attracted a prince. In my freshman year, I joined the publicity department, where I met Li, the student council president at the time—a junior, I
don't want to mention his name, let's just call him Li. Li was my senior, a very handsome young man with thick
black hair and a sunny smile, much like your junior. Back then, we organized activities together and hosted parties together. Everyone
said we were a match made in heaven. I quickly fell for him too. One time, on
the way back to my dorm, he took my hand and asked me to be his girlfriend. Before I could even feel happy or shy, I nodded.
That year was the happiest time of my college life. We were inseparable on campus, going to the library and
the cafeteria together. For a while, I spent all my time weaving beautiful dreams of marrying him and having children together.
How now. All dreams eventually shatter. In the second semester of my freshman year, we had known each other for almost half a year.
One afternoon, he suddenly came to my dorm. Strangely, no one else was there that day; I was the only
one studying. At first, I was happy that he came to keep me company. I let him sit next to me, but he hugged me tightly.
Actually, I already liked him a lot then, and giving myself to him was my lifelong hope. But he was so hasty, which
scared me. So I rejected him. I just wanted to tell him not to do it in the dorm. His eyes showed
a terrifying look, like a wild beast, and he started hitting me. He pinned me down, and when I tried to scream, he covered
my mouth with a pillowcase. I could only shake my head and cry, trying to stop him, but in the end, he did what he wanted
. I never imagined that such a terrifying person existed beneath his handsome exterior. I curled up on the headboard, sobbing uncontrollably
, while he touched the bloodstains on the sheets and laughed, saying, "Zhang Qian, I didn't expect you to actually be a virgin. I
bet with them you weren't a virgin anymore, and now you've made me lose a meal." I screamed like a wild animal,
throwing everything around me at him. He dodged while saying, "Zhang Qian, stop it. After you've cried and made a scene, you
still have to be with me." He never expected that I would report him to the school. After he found out, he brought a few
classmates to my dormitory building. The girls in my dorm pulled them away, and that's when I realized why
no one was in the dorm that day—he had given my roommates two hundred yuan to take them to the movies. My whole body
felt cold; I realized that the people I had lived with for over a year were all such strangers. When my family found out
, my father slapped me hard across the face, simply because I had told the school about such a shameful thing, making
them lose face. The school, for various reasons, only expelled Li and called it a day,
citing only one reason for expulsion: violating school rules. It was only at that moment that I truly understood myself. I
had always thought of myself as a princess, but I hadn't realized how helpless I truly was. I was the victim,
I was the isolated and helpless one, and in the end, I was the one who suffered the punishment. After leaving school, Li came to find me. He said viciously, "Zhang Qian,
you bitch, I'll make sure you don't have an easy time at school." The next day, every desk in every classroom was piled high with
all sorts of vicious and vulgar words about me, but I became indifferent to them. I began to truly realize that the
people around me, these future doctors, these future angels in white, were all hypocrites, disgusting trash. Each of them,
holding notes, looked at me with such ambiguous, malicious, and mocking eyes. From then on, I
was surrounded by only two things: endless gossip and mocking glances. I became the object of the lustful fantasies of the men in the medical school and
the curses of . I walked among them like a zombie, feeling nothing at all. Until you appeared,
Du Ming.

I always thought nothing could move me anymore. But the way you looked on the rooftop still made my heart
pound . You were like an angel descending from heaven. Sunlight surrounded you, and I felt that sunlight was born to fall upon the earth just for you.
Your smile as you turned around, your soft whispers, all made my heart pound uncontrollably. You don't know that I was pretending to be
relaxed sat next to you. My face was so hot, my lips were dry, and I had to keep moistening
them with the tip of my tongue. My heart was pounding so hard that I had to hug myself tightly. But an unintentional gesture of yours,
a casual joke, still easily shattered me. That night I couldn't sleep. When I closed my eyes, all I saw was your smiling face,
all I saw were your eyes. From that day on, I fell in love with you, Du Ming. Every day I pretend to casually pass by your classroom,
always walking past you as if I don't know you. Seeing your raised eyebrows and the slight twitch of your lips, I'm
afraid I won't be able to control myself. It's like I've been poisoned, poisoned by you. You are so tolerant, never
asking about me, yet your clear gaze always encourages me, cleansing my sins. I know that only with you...
Only when we're together can I find that purity, that clean feeling. Back then, I only had one thought: how
wonderful it would be if it could last forever. But you won't belong solely to me, and I have no right to possess you. So many times I've held you in my dreams,
weeping in your arms, but when I wake up, I'm still alone. I constantly pretend, afraid you'll reject me,
afraid of the days when I can no longer speak to you. I'm afraid, truly afraid of losing you. Graduation is approaching, and you'll
no longer be my junior. I don't know whether to be happy for you or sad for myself. I thought I'd pretend
to be happy to see you off, but instead, I saw your melancholy. We're the same kind of people, junior. We haven't
done anything wrong , but life forces us to bow our heads. Life is a tyrant; only by submitting can we find happiness. We
are both unhappy people. So, I, your junior, decided to plead with Wang Lianpu for you.

I placed five hundred yuan on Wang Lianpu's table and explained my purpose. But Wang Lianpu smiled and said, "I don't know about
your relationship with Du Ming, nor do I want to know. I just won't take this money." He pulled my hand, took the money, and
placed it in mine, but didn't let go. His palms were sweaty; my hand felt like it was being pierced by
the entrails , sticky and making me want to vomit. Then he said that the anatomy group would retain one graduate this year.
"Zhang Qian, I have high hopes for you. As long as you can do it, staying at the university and Du Ming's anatomy grades won't be a problem." It was only
a little past three in the afternoon, and his office was surrounded by colleagues. I hadn't expected Wang Lianpu to say these words
with a smile, as if he were on a lecture platform. I smiled and said, "Okay, then Professor Wang, I'll come to the lab tonight to ask you about
the graduation defense." Wang Lianpu smiled meaningfully, patted my hand, and then let go. I had long
since seen through men's faces; no matter what kind of man he was, given the chance, he would still gravitate towards women. I didn't care anymore. That night, I lay on the lab desk, and Wang Lianpu was on top of me
like a pig . His sweaty, chubby face swayed back and forth in front of me, and I saw the yellowing of his gold teeth. I turned my head away, trying not to cry. Not for myself, but for you, my junior. Du Ming, it was my fault that your graduation certificate was stained with Wang Lianpu's filthy bodily fluids. Junior, when you hugged me, I really wanted to turn around and hug you tightly, to kiss you. But I knew I didn't deserve it. I was just a woman who would sleep with others for a job at the university. I was a whore in everyone's eyes. All my actions would only make you feel ashamed in front of others because of me. I didn't want that. My junior is the noblest man in the world. No one can point fingers at him. He will always be the cleanest. I turned around and mocked you, junior , but actually, I was mocking myself. You don't know that the poor woman sitting on the rooftop once cried herself unconscious. I thought I had left you like that, but during those days, the memories of being with you tormented my nerves like a nightmare . I kept stimulating myself with my fingers in bed, just trying to forget you with a moment of dizziness, but the pain only intensified after the climax. When I wrote you my first letter, I felt like a prisoner awaiting execution, living each day in a state of limbo between hope and despair. When I heard your voice on the phone, I desperately held my breath, afraid to speak for fear you would hear my trembling voice. I was already crying. I didn't even know what I was saying, but I knew I had come back life. My junior brother, you were back by my side, even if it was just your voice. Junior brother, why were you so cruel? Why did you shatter my dream? You were so perfect in my heart, why did you have to disappoint me? From the beginning until you gave me Wang Lianpu's pager as a birthday present, I never imagined that Wang Lianpu's disappearance would have anything to do with you. Only now do I realize that I was the only truly innocent one . After Wang Lianpu's disappearance, the autopsy team secretly said that I was involved, and I went from being a whore to the mischievous little vixen in the mouths of these middle-aged women. At the time, I was still optimistic, thinking it must be divine retribution for Wang Lianpu's many sins. I never imagined this would actually involve me. Maybe I really am just a mischievous fox spirit. Looking at the message on my pager, I felt a chill run down my spine. That night, I returned the lab where I worked every day. Every step I took there was accompanied by a heartbeat. Instinct led me to open the morgue door and the pool. The pool was filled with yellow fat particles. I suppressed my nausea and used a hook to lift the corpse from the pool. The skinless corpse's face was facing me, staring at me intently. I trembled as I opened its mouth, revealing a gold tooth with a yellowish-brown gleam. I couldn't take it anymore. I ran downstairs vomited uncontrollably, my eyes filled with tears. Knowing Li made me understand this society, but knowing you, Du Ming , made me understand myself. Du Ming, you didn't do anything wrong, it's just that I can't accept it. Now I finally know that no one in this world is clean. Perhaps only my own soul is clean. I know it's time to release my soul. It was so filthy here, I felt suffocated. I gasped for breath, but it was no use. I wanted to forget it all, but I couldn't. It was all etched into my mind. Perhaps there was only one way to escape. Junior, I really don't blame you, I only blame myself. It was all my fault. Now there's nothing clean left but myself. Nothing more… Senior's handwriting was blurred to the end. I touched the irregular water stains on the diary. My tears fell on my hands, splashing onto the diary, the words on it turning into a blob, like blue flowers. I gently closed the diary, put the letters, the pager, and the diary in the box, and dared not look at it again. The next day at noon, I went to the hill behind the hospital and buried the box deep under a big pine tree. I covered it with soil, spread my white coat on the ground beside it, and lay down there. It was all over—the medical school, the rooftop , Senior and Junior. I picked up some pebbles and gently piled them up. Senior, you'll never know that a pair of eyes secretly watched you from behind. He skipped classes to get closer to you, secretly following you just to find out which dorm you lived in and which route you took to class. He bought the same food as you in the cafeteria every day, and borrowed the books you read from the library every day. He lingered by your window every day, hoping the wind would blow down your underwear and stockings hanging there. He would always run breathlessly to the opposite side of the street so he could brush past you. Your first encounter on the rooftop wasn't a coincidence at all; that plan had been buried in his heart for a long time. He knew your food preferences, he knew your taste in clothes, he knew everything about you...

In his heart, she was a goddess. So that day, when he saw his goddess pinned down by Wang Lianpu outside the lab
, he told himself that he had to kill that pig for his goddess. Now, he just wanted to tell his senior sister that she would always be
his goddess, forever his goddess.

Just as he returned to the operating room door, Wang Yao pulled him out. The two of them went to the rooftop. Wang Yao took my hand,
staring into my eyes, "Where did you go at noon?" "I went to the back mountain." Wang Yao exclaimed, "What did you do in the back mountain?
You're not allowed to go there again!" I smiled and agreed. She then asked, "What happened to your eyes? They're red and swollen."
I rubbed them sheepishly,
"I got sand in my eyes when I went to the back mountain." "Then sit down quickly," Wang Yao pulled me down to sit. She gently opened my eyes and blew air into them. My nose was about to touch her shirt. Wang Yao had a
sweet scent; her breath was moist and warm, feeling so familiar and comfortable. My
hands slipped inside her unbuttoned coat.

"Wang Yao, be my girlfriend."

Wang Yao suddenly stopped blowing air, sat up, and looked at me. Then she hugged
me tightly.

After a while, Wang Yao lay on my lap, playing with the buttons on my white coat.

"Du Ming, I'm not a virgin anymore."

"I know."

"Du Ming...

um?

The police talked to you today, right? Asked about Song Yang?"

"Yeah, I told you I was with you that night.

Actually, Du Ming, I don't want to lie to you. That night, I was the one who called Song Yang out. I was the one who took him to the back mountain...
I

know."

I covered Wang Yao's mouth with my hand. "

Don't be afraid. Song Yang was burned to death on Monday. The police couldn't find the body and have no evidence. You'll be fine
.

" Wang Yao grasped my hand covering her mouth, looked up at me in surprise. "

How did you know?"

I smiled, didn't answer, just squeezed her hand. Actually, I knew much more than that. I
also know that it was a very hot day when Wang Yao first went on duty. She slept in the men's locker room wearing only a white coat. She
slept beautifully, curled up like a kitten. Her hair was spread out beside the pillow, and her thighs were tightly
pressed against . She had unbuttoned her shirt and unhooked her bra, the cups slipping off her breasts
to reveal pink nipples. Her buttocks were sticking out, and the lace trim of her panties was visible beneath her thin skirt. I
gently wiped her body with my panties, and Wang Yao, still unconscious, let out a captivating moan. At that time, Wang Yao's
body was soft, like a baby in my hands.

Wang Yao lay in my arms, drawing circles on my chest.

"Du Ming, I'm no longer pure, why do you still like me?"

I rested my head on my hands, looking up at the sky.

Someone once told me that no one in this world is truly pure.

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