46 classic dirty jokes (don't read the last one!)

1. A mosquito and a praying mantis were peeping at a woman taking a bath. The mosquito proudly said, "Look, ten years ago I bit her twice on the chest, and now it's swollen so much!" The praying mantis retorted, "So what? Ten years ago I slashed her between the legs, and she's still bleeding every month..."

2. In a hospital, a family was overjoyed to have a newborn baby. The baby could speak right after birth. The baby said, "Grandpa." Grandpa died with a cry of "Ah!" The baby said again, "Grandma." Grandma died with a cry of "Ah!" The baby said again, "Dad." His dad cried out, then realized he wasn't dead. At that moment, the baby's uncle died with a cry of "Ah!"

3. A kangaroo and a frog went to a brothel. The kangaroo finished quickly, but all night long, the frog next door kept chanting, "One, two, three, hey! One, two, three, hey!" The kangaroo was very envious. The next day, the kangaroo said, "Wow!" "Brother Frog, you're so awesome!" The frog said, "Damn, I couldn't even jump onto the bed all night!"

4: An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your nipples on your back?" The camel said, "Get lost, I don't talk to things with their penises on their faces!" A snake overheard the conversation between the elephant and the camel and burst into laughter. The elephant turned to the snake and said, "Laugh your ass! You, with your face on your penis, have no right to laugh!"

5: A poor scholar studied diligently and wrote a couplet on his door to encourage himself. The first line was: "Sleeping in a thatched hut, practicing calligraphy behind closed doors," and the second line was: "Lying on a footstool, playing the flute with soaring sounds." The horizontal scroll read: "Accepting fate." One day, a man from Henan passed by and, seeing the couplet, became curious. He read it aloud in his hometown dialect: "Who fucked my asshole?" "I made him fuck me so hard it hurts..." Oh, and there's a horizontal scroll too! However, this time he read it backwards: "Let's do it again tomorrow!"

6: A kindergarten teacher was leading her students swimming when she accidentally exposed a pubic hair. A student asked the teacher what it was. The teacher, in a fit of anger, plucked it out and said, "A thread!"

7: A little girl was always showing off her new toys to a little boy. The little boy had no choice but to take off his pants and say, "You'll never have this!" The girl also took off her pants and said, "My mom said that as long as I have this, I can have as many of those things as I want!

" 8: A girl confessed her sins to a priest... Girl: Father, I have sinned. Priest: Child, what sin have you committed? Girl: Yesterday, I called a man "you son of a bitch!" Priest: Why? What did he do to you? Girl: He...he touched my breasts. Priest: You mean like this? (The priest reaches out and touches the girl's breasts) Girl: Um...yes. Priest: Just like that, you have no reason to call him that. Girl: But...he also took off my clothes... Priest: You mean like this? (The priest begins to undress the girl) Girl: Yes, that's right. Priest: But even so, you still have no reason to scold him. Girl: Then… he turned off the light and carried me to the bed, and… Priest: (*smiling) You mean like this? (The priest also turns off the light and carries the girl to the bed…) Girl: (A few minutes later) Yes… that's how it is. Priest: My dear child, even so, you still have no reason to scold him "you…" Girl: But he has AIDS!! Priest: That son of a bitch!!!

9: A driver took his boss to a cultural performance. After the boss entered the venue, the driver was stopped by security. The driver said that he and the boss were in the same system. The security guard said: The chicken and the egg are in the same system. If the chicken goes in, can the egg go in?

10; A man went to a local gym wanting to lose weight and become slimmer. The gym offered various fitness programs, which seemed quite complicated. So, he chose the cheapest one: lose one pound in an hour. He was led to a room where a naked girl stood, holding a sign that read, "If you can catch me, you can have sex with me!" The man immediately accepted the challenge and began chasing the girl, but each time he was about to catch her, she would escape. An hour passed, and he still hadn't caught the girl. The trainer took him to weigh himself, and he was exactly one pound lighter. "That's great," the guy thought, "I can lose weight and have fun at the same time." This time, he chose a slightly more expensive weight loss program that could help him lose two pounds in an hour. He was taken to a room where two naked girls were standing, each holding a sign that read, "If you can catch me, you can have sex with me!" The guy was very excited and chased after the two girls desperately, but he couldn't catch either of them. An hour later, the trainer weighed him again, and he had indeed lost two pounds. At this point, the guy got angry. He told the manager he wanted the most expensive weight loss program. The manager assured him he could lose ten pounds in an hour, but added that the program was very dangerous. The guy thought, "So what if there are more girls? The more girls, the better the chance. I can at least grab one." He urged the manager to take him to the most expensive room quickly, despite the manager's repeated warnings about the danger. So, the man was taken to a room a little further away. They let him in, locked the door from the outside, and the room was dimly lit. Waiting for him was a chimpanzee holding a sign that read, "If I catch you, I'll fuck you."

11: A naked woman ran into a taxi. The driver looked her up and down. The woman yelled, "What are you looking at? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" The driver said, "I'm just seeing where you take your money out."

12: Every time Lao Shi and Lao Lin met, they would tease each other. One day, Lao Lin suddenly stroked Lao Shi's bald head and said, "Your bald head feels just like my wife's butt." Lao Shi smiled, touched his own bald head, and said with a sense of agreement, "Yes! It
's exactly the same."

13: Maid A: "I'm so pitiful, I have to keep saying 'Yes, madam; yes, madam' every day."
Maid B: "I'm even worse off, I have to keep saying 'No, sir; no, sir' every day."

14: Spaniards like bullballs.
After every bullfight,
they cut off the bull's testicles and eat them.
One day,
a Spaniard went to a restaurant to order bullballs.
The waiter said,
"Pay a deposit, and we'll
give them to you tomorrow. "
The next day,
the man came to pick up the bullballs,
only to find they were very small.
He asked why, and
the waiter replied, "Sir, not every bull loses—today the bullfighter lost!"

15: A driver, often on the road, kept a parrot to relieve travel fatigue.
The parrot lived up to its owner's expectations, mimicking speech very quickly.
One long journey, the driver placed the parrot among the chickens in the truck bed, carrying a hen.
It was late at night, and the driver was quite bored when suddenly
a beautiful woman flagged him down. Delighted, he gave her a
ride. As they drove, he looked at her, quite pleased, and couldn't help but have wicked thoughts.
Considering they were in the middle of nowhere, how could the beautiful woman refuse? He boldly asked, "Beautiful lady, can I kiss you?"
The woman was quite resolute, saying "No." The driver then said, "Can I touch you?" The woman also...
The driver, enraged, said, "No, get out!" and
kicked the woman out. He continued driving, but soon his conscience and lust lingered, and he regretted his actions
. He turned back and invited the woman again, and she agreed.
The driver was secretly pleased, thinking, "Considering my good intentions, I can succeed!"
After driving for a while, his desire grew stronger, so he stopped and asked the woman, "Beautiful lady, can I kiss you?"
She refused, saying, "No." He asked again, "Can I touch you?" She resolutely replied, "No!"
The driver was furious and said, "No, get out!" and kicked her out again.
This went on repeatedly, but the driver ultimately failed.
As the destination approached, the driver thought, "If I don't do it now, I'll miss my chance.
" He asked the beautiful woman again, "Beautiful lady, can I kiss you?"
She still said, "No." "How about touching me?" She still said, "No." The driver was furious and said, "No, get off!" and chased her away, ignoring her completely.
When they reached the destination, oh my god, all the chickens on the bus had disappeared
! Just as he was wondering what was going on, he suddenly saw a parrot grabbing the last hen and asking, "Beautiful lady, can I kiss you?"
The hen shook her head. The parrot then asked, "How about touching me?" The hen also
shook her head. The parrot replied, "No, get off!" and threw the hen off the bus.
The driver, helpless, chased the parrot off as well.

16: One day, a lady got on a bus carrying a bottle of fresh milk. When the bus arrived at a major stop, the crowd grew larger and larger, making it difficult to even breathe… Soon, the lady's milk bottle was burst by the crowd, staining her stockings. The lady angrily exclaimed, "Ugh!! Stop pushing!" "You've already squeezed out all their milk."

17; One day, the "goddess" by the Love River in Kaohsiung came to the city council demanding a
formal professional title...
Councilor: What title do you plan to use? Isn't "goddess" good enough?
*woman: It's not that it's bad... we want a more formal name...
Councilor: Then what do you want to use?
*woman: We want a new name---->>*person.
At this moment, the reporters who were standing nearby were furious...
Reporter: How can you do this... isn't this confusing the public?
At this moment, the *women* shouted:
Why can't you? You reporters are in the "service industry"... so are we...
you "welcome submissions"... we also welcome to "make a fuss"!!

18: A young woman and a handsome young man were dating in the park. Suddenly, the young man became a little uneasy. The woman asked: "What's wrong?" The young man said

embarrassedly: "I need to relieve myself." The woman was puzzled, but then she saw the young man walk towards the public toilet, and realized that "relieving oneself" meant going to the toilet.

After a while, the young woman asked the young man, "When will you come to visit me?"

The young man replied, "I'd like to come whenever it's convenient for you."...

19: An old man, because his daughter-in-law was about to give birth, stayed at an old friend's house.
The friend asked why.
He replied: Don't mention it! My daughter-in-law's childbirth squeezed me out of the room.

20: Professor Huang was furious in a girls' school classroom: "I'm working myself to death up here, while you're all sitting there without moving. I've put in so much effort, have you absorbed anything at all?"
The female students...

21: A couple would use "doing laundry" as a code word when they wanted to make love. One day, after a quarrel, the wife was still angry, and the husband, needing sexual gratification, couldn't openly ask her for affection. So he asked his son to relay a message: (Mom, Dad says his clothes are dirty and need washing.) The mother angrily replied: (Tell your father the washing machine is broken, so we won't wash them today.) A few days later, the wife couldn't resist any longer and asked her son to relay another message: (Go tell your father the washing machine is fixed, so we can wash the clothes now.) The son immediately replied: (Mom, Dad said he doesn't need to, he already washed them by hand.)

22: On a humid afternoon in the quiet library, Ade had been studying all morning and felt a little tired. He stretched and accidentally bumped into the girl sitting next to him. The girl was startled and knocked over her drink, soaking a large area of her clothes. Ade was very embarrassed and immediately apologized to the girl: "Miss! I'm sorry! I startled you! I'll take responsibility." The girl turned around and said to Ade seriously: "Classmate! Have some common sense! You only touched me, I couldn't possibly be 'fertilized', but you've made me all wet, you'd better get some tissues and wipe me off quickly!"

23: A drunkard went to buy alcohol on the street, and suddenly he noticed a sign posted at a bar on the corner: [Complete three puzzles and you can drink alcohol for free for a year!] Seeing that he couldn't miss the opportunity, the drunkard went in, asked the bartender, and drank a few glasses of alcohol first. The bartender said, "You want to challenge yourself to three difficult problems?" The drunkard replied, "Okay." "First, you must drink this glass of tequila topped with pepper in one gulp." "Second, there's a hippo in our backyard that's had a toothache for a long time, you have to pull its tooth." "Third, see that apartment across the street? There's a woman living there who hasn't been satisfied for a long time, you have to satisfy her." The drunkard was immediately eager to try, so he gulped down the glass of tequila. Suddenly, he felt like he was on fire, so he rushed to the backyard in one go. Immediately, a hippo's scream came from the backyard. A little while later, the drunkard rushed out and shouted to the bartender, "Quick! Where is that woman with the toothache?"

24: A foreigner came to Taiwan to learn Chinese. But he couldn't understand the difference between "iron" and "steel." One day he returned home very late, and the downstairs door wouldn't open. He had to shout loudly upstairs, "Landlady, your steel door won't open!"

25: When Lao Huang was down on his luck, he was once sent back to his hometown. On International Women's Day, the county magistrate was going to give a speech at a women's conference in a certain district. Knowing that Lao Huang could write, he forced him to write a speech draft. Old Huang was particularly annoyed by this bastard, so he cobbled together a document, which the county magistrate read aloud word for word: "...I'm an expert in women's affairs, very experienced. Recently, I went to your area and got some firsthand information. I'm a roughneck, and your women's director knows best just how rough. Last night, I talked to her all night. At first, she didn't know my strengths and weaknesses, and I didn't know hers, so we kept dodging and we couldn't get to the point. After several exchanges, putting ourselves in each other's shoes, the situation was finally laid out on the table. Now that the pretense is gone, things are much easier. We focused on the key issues, got into the right position, went all out, went deep and simple, and persisted until the long-standing problems were completely resolved. It was a real catharsis, so satisfying! In the end, she was happy, and I was satisfied—how wonderful!...All women comrades, stand up!" The women present, fearing the county magistrate's tyranny, all stood up and awaited instructions. The county magistrate licked his finger, turned a page, and continued reading: "Done!"

26: A sign stood on the lawn in front of a church, which read in large characters: "If you are tired of sin, please come in." Below, written in red lipstick, was another line: "If you are not tired, please call xxx in the Amanza district."

27: A doctor, a prostitute, and a thief died and came to see Yama, the King of Hell, at the same time. Yama asked them what they did for a living in life. The doctor said, "I practiced medicine; I could cure people's illnesses and bring them back to life." Yama was furious and said, "Every time I send my ghost soldiers to capture sinners, you always resist and cause trouble. I'll send you to be boiled in oil to suffer!"
The second person asked was the prostitute, who said, "I served guests who had no wives." Yama said, "Your convenience for single people can extend your life by twelve years." The thief was then asked, and he said, "I was a thief. I collected clothes that others hung out to dry and money that were scattered around." "King Yama said, 'This is doing someone else's work, adding ten years to your lifespan, and you'll be reincarnated into the mortal world!'
Hearing this, the doctor hurriedly pleaded, 'Your Majesty, if this is your judgment, please only let me return to life. I have a son and a daughter at home; let the son become a thief, and let the daughter become a prostitute!'"

28: One late night, in a girls' dormitory, a girl was taking a shower when suddenly a cold wind blew, and a female ghost floated in from the other side of the bathroom...and landed behind the girl...The female ghost patted her shoulder and said, "Miss, look! I have no face!"
The girl replied, "So what?"
The female ghost retorted, "What do you mean by that!"
The girl calmly turned to the female ghost and said, "Look, I have no breasts!"

29: One day, a policeman was patrolling an alley when he overheard a conversation
: A: "What should we do with this?" B: "Let's kill her first, then..."
Without another word, the policeman drew his gun and stormed in. He found two men standing in the kitchen, each holding a fish...

30: One beautiful morning, the sky was crystal clear, but a farmer sat drunkenly at his doorstep, looking utterly dejected.
A passerby curiously approached and asked: "Fellow farmer, the weather's so nice today, why aren't you enjoying it? Why are you drinking alone?"
The farmer replied: "Ah, some things you can never explain."
Passerby: "What misfortune happened?"
Farmer: "Today I was milking the cow, and just as I squeezed the milk, the cow kicked it over with its left foot
." Passerby: "That's unlucky, but not that bad."
Farmer: "Ah, some things you can never explain."
Passerby: "And then what?"
Farmer: I tied her left leg to the post with a rope and kept filling the bucket. Then she kicked it over with her right leg.
A passerby laughed and asked, "And then?"
Farmer: Ah, some things you can never explain. I tied her right leg to the post too, and the bucket filled just as well. Then she swept it over with her tail.
Passerby: That's unlucky. Oh well, don't be sad.
Farmer: Ah, some things you can never explain.
Passerby: What else?!
Farmer: This time I didn't have a rope, so I planned to tie her tail to the post with a belt. I pulled out the belt and grabbed her tail. Just then, my pants fell down, and my girlfriend walked in...

31: A village chief, eager to accomplish great things, submitted a plan to his superiors after thorough investigation. The plan included tiling the Great Wall, gilding the equator, installing an elevator on Mount Everest, and fencing off the Pacific Ocean.
The leader's instruction: "Don't be so ambitious; do more practical, small things."
So, the village chief conducted another investigation and submitted another plan. It read: "Put gloves on all flies; put masks on all mosquitoes; put shackles on all rats; put condoms on all locusts."

32; A primary school student had a crush on his teacher for a long time. One day, he finally mustered up the courage to confess his feelings. The teacher kept trying to persuade him, saying that what he was doing was wrong,

but the student was very stubborn and wouldn't listen. He even said that love doesn't discriminate by age.

Finally, the teacher couldn't take it anymore and said, "I don't want children anymore!" The student then smiled contentedly and said, "Teacher, I will be very careful!"

33; One day, Xiao Ming visited his future mother-in-law's house. His mother-in-law said, "Please make yourself at home, the food will be ready soon!" and then went to the kitchen to busy herself. At this time, only the nervous Xiao Ming and his mother-in-law's dog, Xiao Bai, were left in the living room.

Suddenly, Xiao Ming felt a sharp pain in his stomach. He thought: No! I must hold it in! But he couldn't hold it in any longer, and *poof*! He let out an incredibly smelly fart. He thought: I'm doomed now, I'll definitely be kicked out! Unexpectedly, his mother-in-law just shouted, "Xiao Bai!" Xiao Ming then thought with relief: Luckily, Xiao Bai is my scapegoat.

Then he couldn't help but let out a second fart, and his mother-in-law still yelled, "Xiao Bai!"

When he let out a third fart, his mother-in-law rushed out and yelled, "Xiao Bai! Are you going to wait until you're stank to death before you run away?!"

34: The emperor sleeping is national tax,
the beggar sleeping is local tax ,
sleeping with your wife is personal income tax , sleeping with
your sister-in-law is value-added tax,
sleeping with a prostitute is stamp duty
, sleeping
with your lover is tax evasion, not sleeping with a woman is tax avoidance.

35: A-Guang was away on a business trip for a week. Before even entering his apartment, he asked the building manager, "Did anyone come looking for my wife while I was away, especially strange men?" The manager replied,
"No, only a newspaper deliveryman came the day before yesterday."
A-Guang breathed a sigh of relief: "Looks like I was overthinking it."
The manager added, "But he hasn't come down yet!"
A-Guang: "xo…xo*"

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46 classic dirty jokes (don't read the last one!)

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