If Heaven Has Feelings 111

Word count: 9267.
In the rearview mirror, the PetroChina employee in his yellow and red uniform put away the fuel nozzle. I lowered the brim of my baseball cap, casting a shadow over most of my face, and counted out 500 yuan bills, slipping them through the window crack. My caution was understandable; for the past few days, television, radio, and other media had been relentlessly broadcasting the wanted poster. In a small shop not far from the car, the front page of a newspaper featured a large solo photo of me. Of course, sitting in the car, apart from my full beard, I looked perfectly normal; it was hard for anyone to associate me with the handsome, cold-blooded killer on the wanted poster. The gas station attendant carefully checked the money, paying no attention to my appearance, but I still cautiously avoided any locations with cameras. After taking the keys back from the attendant, I quickly started the car and drove away. To avoid the highway tollbooth, I had to take the national highway. Compared to closed highways, national roads are much safer, but the distance is almost twice as long. Therefore, I had to fill up my nearly empty gas tank before setting off, because I was about to drive a long distance. It took more than three hours before I finally saw the rolling green hills and clear waters outside the car window, with the graceful white-walled, blue-tiled water town buildings standing among them. The air flowing in through the sunroof felt much fresher. Bird Mountain Town, I'm back! However, this time, returning to this place, I wasn't as relaxed as before. And the stunningly beautiful woman who had captivated me was no longer by my side—and that's exactly what I was going to do with this trip. Although Yao Ying couldn't pinpoint Bai Liyuan's whereabouts, after learning the gist of the matter from her, the first place that came to my mind was Niaoshan Town. Nowhere else could Bai Liyuan hold such a deep affection; she grew up there and spent her entire youth there. Her family and friends were there. Besides the house filled with traces of our lives, Niaoshan Town was her most cherished place. Therefore, once I was certain she hadn't been to the apartment in Fuyou Building, I immediately drove towards Niaoshan Town. My intuition told me that Bai Liyuan must have returned to her hometown; she must be there... "My dear..." "I'm coming." I murmured to myself, driving through the town. It was the off-season for tourism, and the town was much less crowded. Only the elderly and children walked slowly or quickly on the cobblestone streets. The usually busy shop assistants were unusually relaxed, languishing at their counters, listlessly watching TV and their phones. As my brand-new CR-V drove by, a few people reluctantly looked up at my car, but seeing that I had no intention of stopping, they lowered their heads and continued with their work. The eaves of an old house appeared ahead, and I parked... The car stopped at the entrance. The surroundings were as quiet as ever. The young people had all gone out to work, and it was never lively here before the New Year. After getting off the car, I went straight to the entrance, but didn't take another step forward. For some reason, the thought of facing the beautiful woman I had been longing for filled me with mixed feelings. My thoughts were in turmoil, and my heart was pounding uncontrollably. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Was it because I was worried about the many hardships we would face in the future, or was I afraid that the person I was facing might not be the same as I had imagined? But no matter what, I had to see Yuanyuan. Our fates were destined to be intertwined.
I took a deep breath and reached out to knock, only to find the door unlocked. We had replaced the padlock with a pin tumbler lock during the Spring Festival, but this door was clearly ajar. Pushing it open, the familiar gray earthen walls and yellowed furniture of the old house came into view. Although I was eager to enter, my steps slowed as I stepped inside. Time seemed to stand still. Everything inside was exactly as it had been before I left, but the spotless environment and the faint fragrance lingering in the air reminded me of the quiet and sweet time I had spent here, and of that gentle and beautiful woman, "Yuanyuan." I couldn't help but whisper her name, the sound echoing through the beams and rafters of the old house, but it didn't bring back the clear, sweet voice I had been waiting for. "Yuanyuan, Yuanyuan—" My voice grew louder and louder, and the structure of the old house seemed unable to withstand the sound waves, trembling slightly in the twilight. But the feedback it gave me was still disappointing. I was getting anxious. Where was Yuanyuan? Why didn't she answer me? This shouldn't be happening. "Mom, Yuanyuan..." I called out in a series of voices, searching everywhere for that beautiful figure with a hint of tension and unease. There weren't many rooms in the old house, and I quickly searched the entire downstairs area, but apart from Yuanyuan's unique fragrance, I couldn't find a trace of her. "Mom, Mom..." I murmured to myself, taking three steps in two as I climbed the stairs. The afternoon sun shone through the courtyard onto the railings, creating an image reminiscent of an old photograph. Three incense sticks were burning in front of the Guanyin Bodhisattva statue in the central hall. Judging from the half-burned incense, someone had been there at least an hour ago.
I rushed to the bedroom at the end of the corridor. During the Spring Festival, Bai Liyuan and I had lived here together for more than ten days. The Spring Festival couplets pasted on the door at that time had faded and fallen off. The sturdy wooden door opened easily, and I stepped in gently. The two carved wooden windows were open, and the white silk curtains were blown inward by the wind. A rich fragrance wafted into my nose. I was very familiar with that fragrance, which was like orchids and musk. But where was the owner of this fragrance? The room was only ten square meters in size. I could tell with just a glance that Bai Liyuan was not in there.
The sunlight illuminated the room, and a neat white sheet covered the carved wooden bed. My hand trembled slightly as I touched it. The crimson Shu brocade quilt with mandarin ducks playing in the water that we used to sleep under was neatly folded and placed at the head of the bed. My hand touched the soft surface of the quilt, and the lingering warmth of the sunlight was very comforting, reminding me of that firm, smooth, and perfect body. The sun was still bright even as dusk approached. With the help of this light, I seemed to find something on the pillow. I reached out and picked it up, then looked out the window. A few strands of soft, flowing hair were swaying in the air. The long hair had wavy curls, and I seemed to smell the fragrance of lilies. This hair could only belong to that beautiful woman. Yuanyuan had indeed slept here. I held the hair as if I had found a treasure and continued searching the room for any trace of her. The old wardrobe didn't contain many clothes, just a few ordinary changes of clothes, a far cry from the luxurious, fragrant walk-in closet Bai Liyuan once owned. Moreover, the styles of the clothes were extremely simple and plain, a stark contrast to her previous fashionable and elegant demeanor. The underwear was mostly cotton; there were no thin, sexy bras or thongs. Although the wardrobe was clean, tidy, and fragrant, it felt different from the Bai Liyuan I was infatuated with. This feeling was familiar; it was the Bai Liyuan I knew from my childhood, or more precisely, the scent of my mother in my memory.
But where had she gone? Disappointed, I closed the wardrobe door. In the instant I turned around, I saw a figure flash by. My heart skipped a beat, and I was about to run after her when I stopped abruptly. I chuckled to myself. I was facing the dark red dressing table I'd bought for the Spring Festival. My reflection was in the oval mirror. Since my injury, I'd been somewhat disoriented, which was why I'd been startled. Was the person in the mirror really me? My beard hadn't been trimmed in a long time, the ends curled up in a messy ball. I hadn't changed my tracksuit in days, and the medicine from my wounds had left patches of dirt on it, making me look filthy. Only my eyes, hidden under the low brim of my hat, remained sharp and piercing. I gave a wry smile. If Bai Liyuan saw me like this, she'd probably give me a good scolding. But there was an advantage to it; at least it reduced the chances of me being recognized. After all, I was currently a wanted fugitive, and my appearance wasn't exactly presentable. I turned away from the vanity mirror and noticed a small table between it and the wardrobe, with a white round pedestal on it. I recognized it as an embroidery frame, with unfinished embroidery pieces on it. I reached out and picked it up. It was a red love knot. Although it wasn't completely finished, the exquisite craftsmanship could only have come from Bai Liyuan. I held the love knot in my hand and examined it for a moment, feeling a surge of emotions. This knot must be a new creation by Bai Liyuan. She hadn't done any handicrafts herself for many years. It was easy to imagine that in the days since she left me, these were the only pastimes she had. Only by immersing herself in these handicrafts could she alleviate the pain of missing me.
After carefully putting away the love knot, I turned and walked out of the bedroom. The other room in the corridor was my grandmother's room. Bai Liyuan always missed her mother very much, so she kept her room clean and tidy. The furniture and decorations inside were all old-fashioned. In front of the bronze old dressing table was a photo frame. In the black and white photo, my grandmother was about 50 years old. She had her hair parted in the middle and her face was delicate and gentle. Her appearance was seven or eight parts similar to Bai Liyuan's.
I put down the photo frame and noticed a shadow under the brass bed. Crouching down, I reached in and touched a square object. It felt cold, as if encased in copper, and seemed quite heavy. I pulled it out with both hands. It was an ebony chest, secured with a bronze lock, but that didn't stop me. I quickly opened it, and a strong smell of mothballs and desiccant wafted out. Inside, there wasn't anything special, just a few sets of children's clothes. I picked up a small sweater and examined it closely. The yarn and stitching were from the last century; nowadays, almost no one knits sweaters for children anymore. However, thanks to Bai Liyuan's exquisite design and needlework, these clothes had made me quite the star among my friends, because their mothers didn't have such skill. I rummaged through the sweater further and found a dark red... The rectangular piece of cotton cloth was about 90 centimeters long and 60 centimeters wide, with a dragon and phoenix pattern embroidered on the front. It looked quite exquisite. There were two red and white cotton ribbons sewn inside. Suddenly, I remembered something, and my hands trembled violently. This dark red square was not some kind of cloth, but my swaddling clothes. Ever since I was squeezed out of my mother's womb crying, I had always held this swaddling clothes. This cotton cloth accompanied me as I grew up until I could stand up and walk. In the days before diapers, I don't know how much of my urine and feces were stuck on it. I put down these clothes that were soaked with childhood memories, but found something else at the bottom of the box. Nearly half of the box was filled with some scraps of paper, which looked like some kind of document. I picked up the top few, but I was stunned. These were not documents. These scraps of paper were letters. These were letters that Bai Liyuan had written to me.
I unfolded a note that read: "Stone: Happy New Year. How have you been feeling lately? Have you been taking your medicine diligently? Have you missed Mommy?
You complained in your last letter that I never visited you. It's all my fault. I really want to visit you, but it's a long train journey. Once I've saved enough money, I'll definitely come to see my precious baby. I have some good news for you: Daddy's company has given me a job, even though it's temporary, it'll at least solve some problems. I'll work very hard and earn lots of money to buy little Stone treats.
Mommy really misses you." Thinking of my darling, my lovely little Stone, my dearest Stone: Enclosed is a bag of your favorite ham. If you like it, Mom will send you more next time.
Thinking of the ham I loved as a child, a happy smile crept onto my face, but I couldn't find any trace of this letter in my memory. It seemed to have been returned and never reached me. I opened another one: "Stone: How are you, my darling? Have you missed Mommy? Why haven't you written to me? Mommy is so sad. Do you hate Mommy? Mommy knows I made a mistake before, I'm sorry." It's about Daddy's situation, but Mommy has always loved you and our family. No one is more important than my baby; you are the person Mommy cares about most.
Mommy has changed for the better now. This job is hard, but Mommy can handle it, and there's a salary. In six months, Mommy can come to see you. Will you welcome Mommy?
My darling Stone, kisses.
As I read the end of each letter, each one containing Mommy's childhood nickname for me, that sweet yet bittersweet feeling washed over me again. I suppressed a smile and continued reading. One letter read: "Stone..." My darling. The professor told me that the hospital isn't allowing family visits anymore, and they've stopped letting us communicate. Mommy is so sad and heartbroken.
But the professor showed me your picture, and Mommy is so happy and proud. My little stone has grown up so much! It seems the professor wasn't wrong; the hospital is taking good care of you. Mommy is finally relieved. Mommy is back at Grandma's house now. My uncle and aunt are so good to me; they helped me open a clothing store, and business is doing quite well. Mommy is saving money for you now, so that after you recover, I can send you to a very good school so you can study hard, my darling stone. Kisses.
…
The more I read, the more heartbroken I became. During my time on Nanshan Island, I longed day and night for my mother to visit, but I waited and waited, and she never appeared. This wasn't unusual on Nanshan Island; once someone was sent there, they had virtually no hope of reintegrating into society and didn't expect anyone to visit them.
So, year after year, day after day, I waited, but my mother's beautiful figure never appeared, nor did I receive any news from her, not even a letter. My initial disappointment turned into confusion and sadness, eventually evolving into anger and incomprehension. Why wouldn't my mother come to see me? Didn't she know how much I missed her? Why didn't she even write me a letter? Had she forgotten me? I was her own son, the strange stone she had cherished since childhood…
But my mother still didn't appear. My anger had transcended mere anguish. In the last few years on the island, I had completely given up hope, clinging to no more illusions in my heart, not even… I secretly resented my mother, resenting her heartlessness and indifference, resenting her abandonment of me, resenting her…
But these envelopes in front of me proved everything. My mother hadn't given up on me; she still loved me so much…
The letters were yellowed, clearly from a long time ago, but I could still see the deep affection contained in the delicate handwriting. For some reason, the letters in my hands trembled violently, and a drop of water the size of a bean fell, wetting the bottom corner of the letter. When I looked up, I realized that my eyes were already brimming with tears.
This box was full of letters, each one handwritten by Bai Liyuan, spanning from when I was sent to Nanshan Island until a few days before I appeared at Fuyou Building. Bai Liyuan would write me a letter every two or three days, accumulating to over a thousand letters. Judging from the change in the quality of the paper, her situation and living conditions improved over time, but she never stopped writing, even knowing that I would never receive these letters. Yet, she consistently wrote them over these eight years. She persevered. Her letters overflowed with longing and love for me, while also describing her current situation. Although she didn't name names, I could sense the men she wrote about and the helplessness and entanglement she felt in their relationships.
These letters, never to be sent or reach me, were like her private diary, recounting the life of a beautiful, single woman over the years, the bittersweet experiences and untold stories. Reading them filled me with both sadness and heartache. These letters contained countless profound longings and yearnings; every word was written with her heart and soul. I felt the letters in my hands suddenly become incredibly heavy. Holding this heavy stack of letters, I seemed to see Bai Liyuan through the paper. Each Bai Liyuan behind each letter was different, multifaceted, yet they all looked at me with such tenderness and sorrow, their clear eyes revealing endless love and concern. How I wished I could turn around myself! Sometimes, I would see that plump, tall figure, immersing myself in her warm, fragrant embrace. She would carefully groom my beard, stroke my hair with her soft, white fingers, feel sorry for my thin appearance, and scold me with a hint of anger for my dirty and ugly sportswear. I could almost see her pouting, delicate, rosy lips, looking reproachful. A few soft sounds startled me from my reverie. The footsteps seemed to be coming from downstairs. My blood rushed to my head, and my heart pounded uncontrollably. Could it be Yuanyuan? That was the first answer that came to mind. Yes, it must be. I put down what I was holding and ran downstairs, completely ignoring my injured leg. I tripped at the corner of the stairs, and the piercing pain made me wince, but I was fine. I quickly ran downstairs. But to my disappointment, it wasn't that beautiful woman standing downstairs, but the fat and bloated Aunt Li.
I hadn't seen her for more than half a year, and she seemed to have gotten even fatter than last time. A bright red round-neck sweater was draped over her barrel-like upper body, with rolls of fat eagerly pushing against it. Her large breasts hung on her stomach like two pieces of cured meat. Combined with her chubby face and messy hair, she looked like a Maitreya Buddha sculpted from dough.
Her face, painted with so much powder that it appeared eerily white, had small, bulging eyes that darted around. Combined with her stealthy movements, she looked like a thief. Indeed, when Aunt Li saw me appear at the stairwell, she jumped up as if caught red-handed, pointing at me with both fingers and stammering, "Y-you, who are you?"
I then remembered that few people recognized me in this state. I reached for my hat, straightened my hair, and said, "Aunt Li, I'm Bai's nephew. Do you remember me?"
Aunt Li squinted her small eyes, scrutinizing me from head to toe, before slapping her thigh and exclaiming, "Hey, I was wondering why you looked familiar! Turns out you're Bai's handsome young man! What a big beard! No wonder I didn't recognize you at first; I thought you were some kind of thief." I thought to myself, "You sneaky little devil..." His furtive manner made him look more like a thief, but I had no time to argue with her at the moment, and directly asked, "Auntie, where did my mother go? I haven't seen her at home."
Aunt Li seemed to be pleased that I was asking her for information, and she kept talking non-stop, "Oh dear, you're her son, why are you asking me, an outsider?" "You're looking for Xiao Li? Hey, you've come to the right person. Half a month ago, I was picking vegetables at the door, and I saw her walking alone from afar. I was a little puzzled at the time, your family is so rich, with several cars, why are you letting her walk by herself?" "When I saw her come back, I went up to greet her. Although she was quite polite, I could tell that this girl had something on her mind, she looked absent-minded, and her clothes were not as fashionable as before." "I was wondering, the last time I saw you, you were dressed in gold and silver, so impressive, how come you haven't seen her for half a year?" It's become so shabby. Young man, it's not that I'm being nosy, but is something wrong with your family? Did your business fail?
I knew perfectly well that Bai Liyuan's low spirits were entirely because of me, but I didn't want to explain too much to Aunt Li. I just made up a few things to cover it up. Being poor wasn't a big deal; at least Aunt Li wouldn't be as enthusiastic about coming here as before. Sure enough, Aunt Li's expression changed quickly. Her gaze towards me lost its affected flattery, and her posture became less respectful. She even used her hand to adjust her curly hair, making the mess look even more fluffy and high. She became very sparing with her words about Bai Liyuan's whereabouts, but I still gleaned a general idea from her. After returning to the old house, Bai Liyuan had been living a very secluded life, rarely going out except to buy necessities. And her clothing... Her attire had also changed from its previous extravagant style, becoming even more plain than the women in town. These changes aroused Aunt Li's curiosity, so she seized the opportunity to come and find out. This afternoon, she heard me shouting next door and, wanting to join the fun, came over to investigate. Unexpectedly, the door was ajar, so she sneaked in, only to be caught red-handed. I was slightly disappointed; it seemed Aunt Li didn't know much. Why wasn't Bai Liyuan home? Where had she gone? I still hadn't solved this question. "Oh dear, it's getting late. I have to go home and cook. Young man, let's talk another day." Before I could even say goodbye, Aunt Li impatiently laughed and left. This time, she walked with an air of arrogance, like a general returning victorious from a battle. Yuanyuan, where are you? What happened? My mind was in turmoil, but my brain remained clear and worked quickly, analyzing everything. Given Bai Liyuan's meticulous nature, she wouldn't have left without locking the door for so long. The most likely explanation was that she had a very urgent reason to go out. From Aunt Li's account, nothing unusual had happened this afternoon, so I could roughly rule out the possibility of her being violently abducted. However, the tidy interior and the untouched wardrobe suggested that Bai Liyuan hadn't gone far, which meant she hadn't even taken a change of clothes.
Where did she go? A possibility suddenly popped into my head. That's it! Why not go check there?
Without hesitation, I drove to the Bai Mansion in the new town area. Since the Bai Junsheng incident, I hadn't been there. Everything seemed unchanged; the grand courtyard was still shaded by green trees, though the leaves were turning yellow. The two large black iron gates were tightly shut. I knocked and called out several times, but no one answered. Only two German Shepherds barked in response. There shouldn't be anyone home at this hour. Dinner time in the countryside is usually early; Lanxiang or my aunt should be cooking. But the chimney was completely silent.
Although it seemed a bit strange, it didn't stump me. I gripped the iron railing with both hands and climbed up a few times, then stepped over the barbed iron bars and leaped into the yard. Big Black and Little Black, seeing someone enter, fiercely rushed to my side. I scolded them a few times, and they seemed to smell my scent, realizing I wasn't a stranger, and immediately became docile. I affectionately petted them, and the two dogs wagged their tails and circled around my legs obsequiously. The front door on the first floor was open. Because the trees blocked most of the sunlight, the interior was quite cool at this time. There was no one in the hall or kitchen; neither my good-natured older cousin nor the charming and gentle Lanxiang were there, and I couldn't hear the twins' chattering noise. Although the house was lavishly furnished… It was grand, but lifeless. I called out to my aunt and sister-in-law a few times, but no one responded. I had no choice but to head up to the second floor. When I reached the top of the stairs, I heard a melodious tune, with what sounded like human voices mixed in. The voices weren't singing, but rather reciting short phrases repeatedly. I could roughly make out that the voices were reciting the "Universal Gate Chapter of the Lotus Sutra," and the accompanying music was full of Sanskrit and Zen flavor. When I stood in the middle of the hall on the second floor, I finally saw the source of the music. In the hall, which was over a hundred square meters, there was a sandalwood incense table against the wall, on which stood a white jade Guanyin statue. The Guanyin statue was made of Hetian jade that was half a person's height, and it was clear at a glance that it was very valuable. Beneath the incense table was an eight-immortal table, upon which lay fresh seasonal fruit, rice, and yellow wine. The smoke from three half-burnt incense sticks filled the room. Because the doors and windows were tightly closed, the smoke couldn't dissipate properly, making the air heavy and stale; every breath was filled with the pungent smoke.
In the center of the offerings was a black-framed photograph of a young man in his early twenties, with long hair flowing down his back, bright eyes carrying a hint of frivolity, and thin lips bearing a smug smile. This handsome young man was Bai Junsheng. Beneath the eight-immortal table was a black prayer cushion, upon which a short figure crouched. Hearing my footsteps approaching, the chanting abruptly stopped, and the short figure stood up and turned to look. It was my aunt, Huang Ying.
She wore a black padded jacket with floral embroidery, black silk wide-leg trousers, and blue cloth shoes. Compared to her previous look with dyed hair, her silver hair made her look much older. Her snow-white hair was styled into a bun at the back of her head and covered with a black silk net. Her dignified and elegant face was now etched with many wrinkles. The Huang Ying before me was no longer the charming aunt of my mother's, but just an ordinary old woman, and one who looked very sad and melancholy. "Who are you?" Huang Ying asked calmly, though somewhat surprised to see me. Although her clothes and appearance were very ordinary, she still possessed an air of grace and dignity. Despite her imposing presence, this short, elderly woman commanded respect. "Auntie, I'm Shitou," I said, removing my hat and stating my identity directly. Huang Ying was both surprised and delighted by my appearance, but she still greeted me with a reserved air. "Where is my mother? Where did she go?" I didn't have time for pleasantries and quickly got to the point, explaining my purpose. Huang Ying listened attentively to my question. She didn't rush to answer but thought for a moment before saying, "Li'er came back in a hurry this time, without even taking any clothes. I originally wanted her to stay here, but she insisted on going back to the old house, so we had to go along with her wishes."
"Although she pretends to be very strong on the surface, I know something must have happened. She used to tell me everything, but this time she resolutely refused to say it, only telling me that it was all for you." Huang Ying paused here, then continued, "The last time she spoke like this was eight years ago, when you were sent to a very far place for treatment, so I was always worried about her, and also worried about you."
I swallowed hard. The blow that happened eight years ago was too great for Bai Liyuan, just as severe as the impact of this separation. Although the two situations were very different, Bai Liyuan silently endured it all. She didn't want her actions to burden others; she always was like this. "Several weeks passed like this. Yesterday afternoon, she suddenly rushed over, saying she had something very important to do and needed to go back to the city. I asked her what it was, but she still wouldn't say. Seeing how anxious she was, I asked her to drive Qisheng's car back to the city, but I haven't seen her return yet." Huang Ying's words put my mind at ease. I could finally confirm Bai Liyuan's whereabouts. However, why she was in such a hurry to return to the city added another layer of doubt to my mind. "Shitou, what happened to you? Why won't either of you tell the truth?" Huang Ying looked at me with worry. I could only make up other reasons to brush her off. Now, I just wanted to find Bai Liyuan as soon as possible. Everyone else and everything else had to be put aside. Huang Ying didn't press further. She only briefly tried to persuade me to stay before giving up. Perhaps Bai Junsheng's death had been too much of a blow to her. Compared to her previously shrewd and capable aunt, Huang Ying now seemed disillusioned, indifferent to the people and things around her. As I went downstairs, Huang Ying knelt on the prayer mat again. In the smoke-filled room, her thin fingers fiddled with a string of prayer beads, and she began chanting the Universal Gate Chapter of the Lotus Sutra once more. The twilight light streamed through the window, casting a glow on her small frame. Her silver hair and the framed portrait of Bai Junsheng on the table seemed inextricably linked, and the chanting filled the dim room with an indescribable atmosphere. (Night Starry Night Gold Coins +9, reposted and shared, a red envelope offered!)

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If Heaven Has Feelings 111

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