Innocent and budding

When I was very young, before I started school, I often saw older kids fiddling with their penises, sometimes even squirting out a little white fluid. I was just a little curious, but not interested, and I didn't understand why they did it so often. I had a cousin, three years older than me, who loved playing with me and always wanted me to tell her dirty stories she'd heard from boys. One time, we were telling stories under the covers when she suddenly hugged me and made me lick her genitals, saying she wanted to lick my penis. I didn't know what was so interesting about licking down there, especially since it was where I peed, so despite her attempts to coax me, I refused. But when I looked down there (below her lower abdomen), I saw it was bare, like a plucked chicken's rear end—nothing there—and I lost interest. Even years later, I still thought girls' genitals were located in the front, because I always felt that being in the front was closer to my own. Although nothing happened, my cousin insisted I not tell any adults. But soon after, I told her younger brother (my cousin) about my failed attempt to get her to buy me something. Luckily, her brother didn't understand. I first became interested in girls in sixth grade. Li was our class monitor, very tall and the prettiest. Perhaps because my grades were similar to hers, she liked to talk to me. So I would always use excuses like homework to get close to her, but that was all until I graduated from elementary school, yet it made me experience the taste of unrequited love. I remember back then, the song "A Fire in Winter" was popular, and I would often whistle it, immersing myself in the love stories of Qiong Yao novels. It was strange then; although I liked a girl, I never thought about anything sexual. After starting junior high, I left that city and lost touch with her, but I often thought of her and started writing what I called poetry. In my mind, she was so beautiful and captivating. In junior high, I mustered up the courage to write her a letter, using some words copied from novels to express my love for her. She replied that she was too young and needed to focus on her studies, etc. When I went to university, I went back to that city and visited her at her home, but I was so disappointed. The beautiful, tall girl I remembered now seemed short and unattractive to me, and her voice wasn't as sweet as I remembered. She told me that she had gone to work in a factory after graduating from junior high school. Later, she wrote me a letter, saying that I was no longer that little boy, but successful and handsome. She said that she ignored me in junior high school only because she wanted me to study hard. She said that she saw disappointment in my eyes, and she understood that, but she still hoped we could be friends. I don't know if what she said was true, but I didn't reply. Sometimes, I wish I had never visited her, so I could have a beautiful dream about girls. My true first love began in the second year of junior high school, in a rural village. Xiaofang was a round-faced girl in my class. Because I was arrogant because I came from the city and was naturally mischievous, I often went against the teachers and was particularly eager to answer questions. Whenever I did this, I always saw her smiling at me with her eyes narrowed. I felt incredibly excited whenever she smiled, so afterwards, I would look at her every time I answered a question, and I would even stare at her blankly during class. Even the teacher noticed and told her father (my parents weren't around, and since I had the best grades, they didn't cause me any trouble). Later, I started writing her notes, and surprisingly, the first time went very smoothly; she didn't disappoint me, and we secretly began our "note romance." Until I was in tutoring during the summer after my second year of junior high, I deliberately sat behind her and would occasionally touch her feet with my foot. She understood and tried to move her foot back. This foot game excited me and made me fantasize. It was around this time that I started masturbating and experiencing orgasms. Once, even in class, I put my hand in my pocket and actually "ejaculated," which made me feel uncomfortable all afternoon. However, back then it was just a clear liquid, not the milky white I had seen as a child; I guess I hadn't fully developed yet! We only started dating when we were in our final year of junior high and living at school. Usually, after evening self-study, we'd find a secluded field, sit together, look at the moon, and talk about our future dreams. We had our first kiss, and I started touching her breasts. She was very happy about all of this, but she wouldn't let me touch her private parts. After each date, my underwear was always wet and I felt uncomfortable, so I had to take care of myself when I got home. At that time, I truly felt in love; a day apart felt like three autumns. After graduating from junior high, I went to a top-tier high school, while Xiaofang went to a regular one. I wonder if our relationship affected her? In high school, because the school was very strict, we rarely saw each other, except for one special occasion. That day, the day before the start of our senior year, she arrived at school a day early, and I went to see her. She was alone in the dormitory, and we cuddled together until night. She said she was scared and begged me not to leave, which I, of course, was more than happy to do. At first, we said we'd sleep separately, but somehow we ended up sleeping together. We lay side-by-side in bed, fully clothed. I was very nervous, my whole body stiff. I reached out and touched her, and I could tell she was nervous too. This time, she didn't resist my hand reaching out. I felt it was wet and slippery there, and my fingers touched a long, soft piece of flesh, which felt like the clitoris described in books (to this day, I still don't know what I touched; if it was a clitoris, that would be amazing). Her body seemed to be expressing a strong desire, but I didn't have the courage to take the next step. Later, she also reached out to touch mine, but I refused. Not for any other reason than that I felt embarrassed because it was wet there. That night was wasted, and I've regretted it ever since. After graduating from high school, I went to university in the north (I heard she also got into some university the following year). I never expected that we would never see each other again. I wonder if she's doing well in that foreign land? Xiaofang was my true first love; she was there for me through my teenage years.

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Innocent and budding

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