You make me lose my mind - Sixteen

Gradually, I fell asleep with the book in my hand... I don't know how much time passed, but suddenly I felt someone turning over my sleeve. I woke up and saw her taking my temperature with a thermometer, something she does every day.
I asked, "Is it time?" She nodded gently, "Yes, it's two o'clock." She put the thermometer under my armpit, tucked me in, and said, "It's a bit chilly at night, don't kick off the covers." Then she sat down and continued reading. She was so thin, and I couldn't help but feel a pang of pity. I asked, "You seem to work three shifts every day. Aren't you married?" Without looking up, she said softly, "Yes, divorced."
"sorry"
"It's nothing, that's just a woman's fate."
You'll meet a good man in the future.
"Good men are all extinct; they're all scoundrels like you."
I don't count.
"It's alright, so-so."
"I'm very good to women."
"You're nice to all women, and those two were nice to you too."
You noticed?
"I've seen everything, you should be content."
I was half asleep, half awake, when she came over and sat down beside me. She took out the thermometer, looked at it, and whispered that my temperature was normal. In my drowsy state, I suddenly grabbed her hand and said she would stay with me a little longer.
She hesitated for a moment, then sat back down beside me. I pulled her close to my chest and gently stroked her back. She turned off the bedside lamp, then lay down with me in her arms. We just stayed like that, embracing and caressing each other...
We did nothing and lay there for a long time. As dawn approached, she got up, gently kissed my forehead, and said, "You sleep a little longer, I'm going now."
I held her hand reluctantly, and she smiled and said, "Let go, you're already reluctant to let go so soon?"
I said, "You look even better when you smile; you should smile more often."
She said shyly, "I will," kissed me again, and turned to leave the room.
Back then, every night the female doctor would come to my room to stay with me for a while. We would just quietly hold each other, without passionate kisses, without eager caresses, without penetration. Then, she would go back to her office to continue reading. At that time, my condition fluctuated, and every night was so difficult to endure. The female doctor would bring me many old song CDs, playing them at the lowest volume so I could fall asleep...
She said, "A man and a woman are like two leaves. As long as a storm blows, they will be scattered to the ends of the earth. So, cherish the moment of peace and cherish every fragment of memory."
I said, "Will we be separated by vast distances and never meet again in the future?"
She said, "Yes, when a man gets tired of playing around, he wants to find a stable little nest and stay away. He won't dwell on the women he's been with before. After you're discharged from the hospital, you might marry that young girl, or you might have to take care of that older woman. You'll be too busy to care about me..."
I once asked her about her past experiences, and she just silently shed tears rather than talk about the pain she had suffered in the past. It was as if that pain had been with her from a past life to this one, never ceasing.
She said, "I once thought I was a peaceful harbor where men could safely anchor, a beautiful umbrella that could shield men from the sorrow in the wind and rain. I also thought I could stand guard in the silent night, carefully protecting the brilliance that belongs to men..."
I imagine she must have once been a woman who loved freely and magnanimously, proud of her tolerance and strength. Now, she is like a branch weathered by ruins, helplessly smiling at the humility of life, yet stubbornly sprouting new green buds. She has spent the rest of her life wallowing in endless suffering, and I cannot save her, nor can I use my hand to help her open her hypnotized eyes and escape this calamity of her life.
The moonlight outside the window still cast a soft glow, seeping into the desolation and haze in our hearts. Her words, the pain and bloodstains in her heart, though indelible, still carried a sense of peace in her voice. I knew that whether her man was near or far, she still missed him. Though she couldn't express the sweetness within her pain to him in person, she could only silently comfort him in her heart, and confide in me, a stranger.
She reminded me of another woman, also a heartbroken woman. We met online; her screen name was Midnight Fragrance. We often chatted until very late, and I could sense her despair and hopelessness at being abandoned by her lover from her words. Every time we met, she would have sex with me frantically, indulging in release and depravity. She said that now and in the future, she would only have physical contact with men, absolutely no contact with their hearts.
This reminds me of Bian Jing, and of what she once said: if I wronged her, she would find ten men to take revenge on me. But I believe she was just saying that in anger. Based on my understanding of Bian Jing, she's not the kind of girl who acts recklessly when she gets impulsive; at most, she'll disappear without a trace, making me anxious and frustrated. However, I find it difficult to control my future relationships because I know myself too well. I'm a sentimental person, often captivated by a woman's melancholy eyes, and find myself involuntarily wavering.
Actually, I'm very soft-hearted towards women, and my women are all incredibly gentle with me, making it hard for me to know who to be nicer to. Bian Jingsheng is the youngest, the most innocent, the purest, and the most devoted, and she's the one who leaves the deepest impression on me.
One night, after Bian Jing left, I had a very complicated dream. I dreamt that Bian Jing and I went back to ancient times and became Adam and Eve—
In our first life, we were one person. God split us in two and cast us to the ends of the earth. We searched desperately for each other, but when we met again, we didn't recognize each other. She loved me, but I didn't know. Even when she fed me the sweetest fruit from the tree, I still didn't know. Later, when I died, she cried. She had cried for me countless times, but only this time was it in front of me, because at that moment, her heart truly shattered. Only this time did I see it, and only at that moment did I realize she loved me. In my heart, I said to her: I owe you a tear.
In my second life, I became a bird, and she a fish. We loved each other, but we could not meet. I angrily went to God. God said to me: Your destiny is for three lifetimes; this is the second. Since there is no hope in this life, wait for the next. Birds have no tears, but my heart wept.
God sighed softly: "I see your heart is weeping. I can use my magic to make you truly weep in pain." After a while, God said again: "Let me tell you another way, which is hardly a solution. According to the gods of the past, when the sea dries up, the fish in the water will turn into birds." I immediately flew away. Watching my figure, God muttered to himself, "Alas, I lied again."
In the days and nights that followed, I suppressed my tears of longing and kept carrying stones in my mouth and throwing them into the sea.
In my heart, I've seen the sea dry up countless times, she transform into a bird, and then I shed a precious tear before her, telling her, "I love you." But all of this has only ever existed in my heart.
Until one day, I was so exhausted I was about to collapse. Although I didn't believe the sea couldn't be filled, I was truly utterly drained. I felt myself about to cry, and I desperately tried to hold back, shouting hoarsely, "Don't cry! Don't cry!" I struggled to fly towards the sea one last time, gradually sinking to the bottom. In my final moments, I saw Bian Jing's figure, and she saw me too.
In her third life, when Bian Jing was still a fish, she vowed to become a bird. So in her third life, she became a bird.
And me? In this life, I am a tiny flying insect. This time, she visited God. God told her: This is your last life together, your last chance. After this life, you will be separated forever!
In this lifetime, we make one last effort to find each other. More than once, we've flown along the same path, but at different times; more than once, just as we were about to meet, we chose opposite directions and missed each other. We chased each other, we repeated each other's routes countless times, and we missed each other countless times—the sky is simply too vast.
One winter day, the wind rushed over to tell me that Bian Jing was flying towards me and that I should wait there. I was overjoyed, afraid of missing her, and nestled against a pine tree, looking around. I discovered that sometimes the sunlight was so brilliant. In all three lifetimes, this was the first time I had time to notice this.
The sun noticed something else and said to me: You're dying! No flying insect can survive the winter, and you won't live to see her! I began to feel my own death. I hated the short lifespan of the flying insects, hated that the bird in my past life couldn't swim, and hated that I only realized so late that she loved me. I was dying, but I couldn't die, because this was the last lifetime of our destiny.
And what about that tear? Had God lied again? She was flying towards me, but my life was rapidly slipping away. Seeing all this, the pine tree I nestled against wept. The pine tree's tear was a drop of resin, which enveloped me, becoming a piece of amber, stopping my life from flowing away. I thus preserved my last bit of vitality, but at the same time, I lost my freedom of movement.
This is our last lifetime; no one can bear to watch us miss each other again. A bird flew by, and I wanted to shout to her, but no sound came out; the resin had already solidified. She saw something golden on the ground, so dazzling. But she missed it, because in her heart, nothing, however dazzling, was as important as me.
In this final life, we missed each other. As she collapsed, exhausted, the sun wept, and the sky darkened. The wind wept, and the rain fell.
When I woke up from my dream, my pillow was soaked with tears. Bian Jing was beside me, holding my hand and looking at me. She asked if I had a nightmare, and I said yes, a heartbreaking dream. Then I told her that in the dream, we went through three lifetimes but still couldn't be together. She cried too, saying, "We won't do that, absolutely not. In this life, we will be together forever."

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You make me lose my mind - Sixteen

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