mark-battlefield

In April 1984,
a sudden outbreak of war on the border between two once incredibly close allies—China and Vietnam—shocked the world. This story takes place on the eve of this great war, and its protagonists
are four insignificant individuals…

(I)

Night fell again, the buzzing of mosquitoes sounding like the roar of an airplane propeller just taking off. Excessive use of mosquito repellent had created a suffocating, incongruous, and foul odor in

the air of this makeshift outpost, barely large enough for two people to lie side-by-side. Outside the cave, pitch black, it was as if the entire world was encased in a bottle of ink, drowning even the barking of dogs and the chirping of insects. Less than twenty meters outside the cave, strange spots of light danced on the cliff face, but upon closer inspection, there was nothing there; it was all darkness . I vaguely saw Zhao Laizi, one hand holding a gun, watching outside the cave, the other hand reaching into his pants, carefully scratching, softly urinating . "Hold on a bit, if you scratch it raw, you won't be able to spawn later." "No," Laizi said, "I need to pee." I jumped up and quickly grabbed an empty tin can from the shadows: "Don't fucking pee like that, the cave's going to get overgrown with dog urine moss." The "bed" we'd made of branches was less than a foot off the ground, just so we could have some air under us while lying in the cave, but Laizi always turned to the side, pulled out his penis, and peed, leaving a pungent stench in the cave. “If you dare piss, I’ll rip your dick off!” I yelled. Lai Zi took the empty can; judging from the sound, he had indeed peed in it. A flash of light appeared in the darkness, followed by a muffled cracking sound from the cliff top. Then, several shouts of Vietnamese curses were heard. Lai Zi chuckled. Below the cliff was a valley less than twenty meters wide; on the opposite hillside was the Vietnamese defense line. Just over there on the other side of the cliff, there was another Vietnamese outpost. This was the very front line. Two large mountains faced each other, close together here. The valley floor was covered with evenly distributed, fine gravel; perhaps hundreds or thousands of years ago, this valley was a river, or at least a stream. On the Vietnamese side , on the hillside at the mouth of a gully, the Vietnamese had built a coffin-like outpost out of sandbags, branches, and sheet metal, inside which were two Vietnamese soldiers . Here, outside this natural cave, a giant boulder, seemingly fallen from the sky, forms a platform extending towards the opposite side . This boulder is no more than three meters high and two meters wide, making the valley seem like a deliberately constructed half- dam. The Vietnamese, fearing they couldn't see both sides of this "dam," built their outpost directly facing this cliff. This seems to violate a cardinal rule of warfare, as we are in a commanding position. In reality, these two outposts have no military value ; they merely demonstrate the fierce determination of both sides to fight for every inch of ground. Right behind us, on the mountain , amidst the dense forest and brambles, a vast army is deployed—not only countless eyes monitoring each other's every move, but also enough troops and heavy artillery to destroy the forest, ready to erupt at any moment. Lai Zi had whispered to me, "If we don't leave now, this battle won't start anytime soon. If Zan lets us evacuate immediately, it'll be news that shocks the world in five minutes at most." His estimate was accurate. Every day, our Henan platoon leader would poke his walkie-talkie four times on time and ask, "Any news?" "No," Lai Zi would always reply with those two words. The platoon leader would always grumble a bit, about how the enemy's ambition to invade us was never-ending, the danger of war was ever-present , and our principle was: we will not attack unless attacked… You are the glorious outpost, shouldering the heavy responsibility entrusted by the people and the trust of the Party, to show our firm stance of not yielding an inch of land… “He had nothing else to say,” Lai Zi muttered, putting down the walkie-talkie, then urging me, “Put your clothes on properly, pay attention to military discipline,” and then we left the cave, descended the cliff, and began our patrol… Seeing us descend the cliff, Xiao Lao Yue also grabbed his gun and went out, and so, in this narrow ravine, appeared four soldiers, armed to the teeth faces as hard as stone. The ravine was quite long, over 500 meters. Whether it was cloudy or daylight, the entrances to the ravine were always shrouded in a thick fog, and beyond the ravine stretched flat land several miles wide. In the past, there were villages on both sides. If someone needed a stone jar to make rice cakes, they would borrow one from the village across the way, without needing to apply, be reviewed, or obtain any "exit permits." Now, it's still flat land, but the fields are barren, even the brambles and thatch have been cut down, leaving only the two mountains standing silently facing each other. We patrolled this gully. The four of us walked in a line from one end to the other, chests out, heads held high , eyes straight ahead… One was a veteran in his thirties, with a thin, sallow face and veins etched on his cheeks; the other looked no more than sixteen, a head shorter than the veteran, with a round, rosy face, round, bright eyes, and chubby ears—a lucky-looking face. Lai Zi and I gave them nicknames, calling the veteran "Qiangzi" and the young soldier "Dulu" behind his back. “Hey, ‘Qiangzi,’ ‘Dulu’…” Sometimes, Laizi would suddenly call out to them with a serious expression. The two of them , bewildered, would stretch their necks even further, looking even more like a skeleton, while the other would widen his eyes and tightly close his mouth, making his face appear even more rounded, like a “Dulu.” Zhao Laizi would laugh so hard he almost fell over. After the laughter subsided, they would continue patrolling. The patrols gradually led to some little tricks. As the four walked, someone would deliberately push the others to one side , until all four were on the other side of the ditch, then the other side would push them back … Without any orders from above, the four would always unconsciously form a neat line, stepping forward with their right leg, then their left leg, without any commands. Once, “Dulu” stepped the wrong leg, and like a reversed line, quickly took two steps back to align himself. Seeing me look at him, his round face immediately turned crimson, and he shyly lowered his head for a long while , looking as embarrassed as someone who had been caught taking the wrong step during drills ... After the patrol, it was a matter of mutual surveillance and vigilance. "Damn! Either we negotiate a peace, or we go all out and fight to the death. Are we going to let our dicks grow horns from this?!" Lai Zi was always incredibly annoyed. I said to him, "If they don't grow horns, won't they just rot away?" Because the cave was incredibly humid and hot, we had all started to develop ulcers, festering sores, oozing yellow fluid, and intense itching. If we weren't careful, we would scratch off a piece of skin, revealing tender red flesh, which would then hurt terribly when soaked in sweat.

We were envious of our comrades still behind us. Although they were also on high alert,
they could leisurely sunbathe naked when the sun was shining brightly. Sunlight and fresh air are the most effective
medicine for treating groin ulcers. We couldn't. The supplies sent by the company headquarters, the communication tools, the walkie-talkie—everything—were with us, holding our ground
in that cave. We built a thatched hut beside the cave, where we sat during the day to cool off and get some fresh air, but within the sight of those "caves"
and "dulu," we had to be fully dressed and armed to maintain military discipline—the image of soldiers.

Lai Zi always complained, "Damn! Have they forgotten about us? Why don't they send someone to relieve us?"

But every day when he spoke to the platoon leader on the walkie-talkie, or when the company messenger came to deliver supplies, he
didn't say a word.

We all knew in our hearts that this continued situation precisely showed that they hadn't forgotten about us.

Zhao Laizi was from Hefei, Anhui Province. He was three years older than me; I was twenty-one, and he was twenty-four.

After three months of basic training following my enlistment, I was assigned to the guard platoon at the battalion headquarters. Laizi was the propaganda officer and
also worked as a film projectionist. Soon after, the unit was transferred from the interior to the Guangxi front, increasing the workload of propaganda work. Because I had
some expertise in art, I was assigned to be his assistant, helping him create wall posters and draw slides.

Zhao Laizi was dark-skinned, with large eyes and a straight, pointed nose. He often boasted that his entire body had
the lines of a human model.

We shared a tiny ten-square-meter room, which served as both our dormitory and studio.

Laizi was as active as a restless little lab mouse. He told jokes to almost everyone he met, and no one could guess
how many witty remarks he had. He would casually pick up on someone's conversation and joke, the topic
always revolving around that precious area three inches below the navel.

When handing someone something, he'd say, "Here's something for you. You can name it after ten months when you see the parents."

When asking for help, he'd say, "Come on, let's do it together. You'd better get clean first."

People

loved joking with him like this; without laughter, it wouldn't be lively. I joked with him too, giving his name
a modern, colloquial interpretation. I said, "Your name is actually classical Chinese. 'Zhao Laizi' translated into colloquial Chinese should be 'Zhao
(Zhao) you come with a bunch of stuff.'"

He chuckled and retorted, "Yes, Xiao, that's the meaning. It was originally 'Zhao you come with a bunch of stuff.'" He emphasized
the word "you."

I hurriedly said, "It's about me..."

He laughed heartily, "Yes, that's right, it's about you..."

Actually, just like anywhere else in the military camp, the happiest topic of conversation during leisure time was men and women, "food and sex are human nature."

After getting to know Lai Zi, he actually called me a "bad boy."

"I say, with your bad boy reputation, I don't believe you haven't seduced any young ladies!" Lai Zi said.

"If I told you the truth, you wouldn't believe me even more, I've had a dozen 'companions'."

"You're bragging."

"I'm just kidding, you little rascal."

"Judging by that, you should... have experienced some lovemaking."

"I'm not as pathetic as you."

"Bullshit! I'm... a virgin!" He looked very proud.

"And 'ginseng doll,' my ass?"

"Right!" Lai Zi laughed. "It's nourishing, do you want to eat it?"

"Yes! I'm afraid you wouldn't dare..."

Even when we were showering together, after I had undressed and gotten into bed, he would suddenly pat my butt and
laugh , "Such a nice little butt, it must have been made especially for me, haha..."

If all these jokes were treated as some kind of "mistake" and investigated, then it would truly be like Su San entering Hongdong County—there wouldn't be
a single good person among them. Joking with sexual motives among men is almost open and common. They tease each other, chase each other, and
in the midst of laughter and play, shout, "I'll fuck your butt, you stop right there!" No one gets angry, and no one treats it as "
hooliganism ," even in the military camp.

But the jokes between Lai Zi and me continued to develop.

Lai Zi started touching me inappropriately, seizing every opportunity to kiss me hard—and, to be honest, I found it quite
pleasurable .

I had experienced this pleasure before in junior high school.

I was tall, and my seat was in the last row of the classroom, in the corner.

Back then, sexual topics were already rampant among my classmates, vaguely and indiscriminately referring to nocturnal emission as "
oil flow."

It was winter, and everyone was bundled up. My deskmate, Hong Xiang, whispered in my ear, "I 'flowed oil' last night
."

Class had already started, and he seemed rather distracted, probably still thinking about the previous night. As he thought this, he used his coat as
cover
, and my mind was unsettled, so I stopped trying to avoid him. A warm, humid feeling surged through me, a floating,
light pleasant sensation

... Actually, it wasn't just Hongxiang and me; this topic and this game were popular among the male students...

Laizi and I played this game again.

And then, something crossed the line.

I had just returned to the dorm after showering when Laizi stared at me, his eyes half-closed. While I was tidying my bed with my back to him
, he suddenly pulled down my shorts...

To be honest, I wasn't angry. Instead, I teased him, "What, are you craving it? Really want to have a go
?"

He smiled strangely and said, "I really am craving it, but I'm afraid you... won't be able to bring yourself to do it..."

"Willing to? Come on..." I imagined the kind of pleasure I hadn't felt since parting ways with my deskmate Hongxiang.

But Lai Zi was different. He suddenly pounced on me, knocking me onto the bed and turning off the light. He grabbed me and kissed me passionately, without any rhyme or reason
.

My heart pounded, a familiar greed surging within me amidst my panic. I hugged him back. The smooth
skin, the downy hair, the elasticity of his muscles—all conveyed a restless, uneasy pleasure through my hands
. I even used my lips and tongue to find his—later, he said, my initiative was unexpected—
and so, our lips and tongues intertwined, locked together, until satisfaction, peace…

“Xiao, tell me the truth, do you really like this?”

That night, Lai Zi and I squeezed into one bed. His arm was under my neck, around my shoulder.

“…” I didn’t answer.

"Really, you don't like it. From now on, I... I promise I'll avoid it, I won't do it again."

I turned my head away, licking his face and arm, stammering, "I... I don't know, I really don't know..."

"Then... do you want women...?"

"I don't know... you... you stop asking, okay!"

"No. Xiao, I... I don't want to hurt you." "

How will you hurt me?"

"If, you... you hate this..."

I remained silent. It seemed to be the first time Lai Zi had forced me to think about myself... Did I want women? I've thought about it,
but not really that deeply or thoroughly. I can't recall any woman who has entered the kind of dream only I know about.
When I have the urge to have that kind of dream, it seems there are both women and men, just some beautiful, naked illusions, all of them
floating, complete lines. I don't seem to have ever focused on the kind of localized parts that people usually focus on.
The lines that excite me have both the softness of a woman and the strength of a man... A woman's flowing hair has moved me
, and in the bathroom, haven't I also had the same fluttering heart towards the bodies that some of my comrades liked? ...

Now, for the first time, Lai Zi and I have not only touched the entire body of a man, but also kissed him and accepted his
touch and kiss. I was delighted, a delight I felt I had tasted before, yet it was truly a first for me… And
I didn’t imagine him as anyone else, I didn’t see him as a woman. He was Lai Zi, Zhao Lai Zi, the lively and easygoing Lai Zi I
always liked, the handsome Lai Zi with that shrewd masculinity,
the Lai Zi with a lithe figure like a deer… But my usual liking had taken a sudden turn today. His bold advances, his
recklessness, had resulted in me kissing his body, and I was pleasantly savoring the salty-sweet scent of his skin…
Did I like this or hate it? So

I said, "Laizi, anyway, now I know you're Laizi, you're a man."

"Xiao, I didn't expect you to be so reserved."

"No, Laizi, I really only just realized it."

"What?" "

...Being with you, I don't feel...bad..."

Laizi

was very excited; he softly uttered "ah ah," a sound that made my feelings for him seem both more real and more
hazy.

(II)

Since that day, we've become more reserved when joking around in front of others, feeling somewhat embarrassed. But when
we alone together, it doesn't feel like joking; it's more like an intimate, unspoken connection.

One day, we were sitting under the lamp, working on a slideshow praising good deeds. He suddenly looked up,
unusually serious, and said, "It's like we're... in a homosexual relationship."

"..." I was stunned. Because I'd only ever heard of this term; I didn't remember ever seeing
any explanation of it. I only knew it was a kind of "abnormality,"
and I'd never thought to delve into it. It felt both distant and mysterious, like the Eiffel Tower and the Bermuda Triangle.

“You’re just overthinking things,” I said to Lai Zi. “Between you and me, who’s ’effeminate’?
And between us… who… is like that?”

“Like what?” Lai Zi looked equally doubtful.

“The kind… who’s willing to let others… be a woman.”

“But then again…” Lai Zi seemed to be talking to himself, “But… honestly, aren’t we like lovers
?”

I had to think deeply. Indeed, before that night, we had looked after each other, but it was just
the rough, superficial care between young friends. Since that day, there had been a subtle, tender connection between us.
A few days ago , I got acute gastroenteritis and had an adverse reaction to the medication. Lai Zi stayed up all night watching over me,
even begging the medical team doctor several times. He had to go to the company to show a movie; military orders couldn’t be disobeyed, and he was frantic
. That night, he walked over forty miles of mountain road without eating, finally returning drenched in sweat. When I saw
him rush into the house, tossing and turning in my sleep, before he could even place his hand on my forehead to check if I still had a fever, I hugged him
tightly, tears welling up in my eyes. I was so afraid he would leave me even for a second longer. This feeling arose suddenly at that moment, but the spark that ignited this emotion was that mysterious night

when we shared a bed . Could it be that we were...that mysterious, unpredictable, and terrifying..."homosexual"? Lai Zi expressed his doubts to me with great concern more than once—he said he thought we were " homosexuals ." Finally, the deputy instructor of the camp summoned me. He stared at me suspiciously before asking, "Xiao, what's your impression of Zhao Laizi?" Without hesitation, I replied, "He's ambitious, hardworking, gets along well with his colleagues, and cares about the collective..." "Alright, alright," he interrupted, "I didn't ask you to evaluate him. I mean, you work with him and live in the same dormitory, does he... does he have any problems in his personal life?" "No," I replied, but I was very suspicious. "Well... let's be frank, has he... ever done anything indecent to you... like, anything shameful or anything like that..." I understood what he meant. However, Laizi and I, or me and Laizi, had indeed never done anything inappropriate. I was panicking, but I forced myself to remain calm and asked, "I don't understand what you mean. Could you explain it more clearly?" The deputy instructor seemed unwilling to continue playing games. He produced a letter addressed to the editor of a magazine with a "psychological counseling" section . He used the excuse of inquiring for a friend, asking about homosexuality and how to correct it. Out of respect and concern for the people's guardians, the editorial department forwarded the letter to the battalion, emphasizing that "the military is predominantly male, and we must be vigilant against a few abnormal individuals trying to corrupt and undermine morale, thus destroying our Great Wall ," and even affixed the official red seal. The deputy instructor showed me the letter. I felt deeply disheartened. Could the mighty Great Wall really be destroyed by homosexuality? Is homosexuality truly more powerful than nuclear weapons? I insisted, "I don't know what 'homosexuality' means, and I haven't seen Zhao Laizi do anything out of line." "Alright, it's good that nothing's wrong." The deputy instructor carefully put away the two letters. "Note: This conversation ends here . Don't spread it."

As I walked out of his office, I saw that his communications officer had already summoned Lai Zi. I was extremely nervous, and could only
signal to him with my eyes that I hadn't said anything, and that he should keep his mouth shut too.

A moment later, Lai Zi returned, looking distressed.

"What did he say?" I asked anxiously and urgently.

"Nothing much, just that I need to write an application strongly requesting to be assigned to a company as a soldier and go to the front lines to be tested by the organization
."

"Just because…?"

"Don't say anything, it's better to play dumb."

"I'll write one too!"

"Stop joining in the commotion, you're not tied to me by the same thread, there's no need for that." …

But

I still wrote it behind his back and submitted it.

When we were both approved to be assigned to the same company, Lai Zi finally learned the truth. He was almost furious: "
Are you out of your mind? You...you're basically saying...saying we...that we've...that's something going on..."

I suddenly realized, but it was too late to undo the damage.

Sitting in the truck taking us to our unit, we could hear the distant rumble of artillery fire. In the camouflaged truck bed
, only Lai Zi and I were there. Our hearts pounded with the truck's jolts, unsure of our fate. In the silence,
our hands clasped together again, and we embraced and kissed...

We were quickly assigned to guard this forward observation post. Lai Zi was a platoon leader, my superior. The company commander's reasons were
very plausible: the post was of great importance, bearing the dual responsibilities of national defense and diplomacy, and needed capable personnel, and so on.
In reality, there are only two types of people who come down to the company with some rank. One type is those intentionally sent to the grassroots to "gild their resume
," who will soon find an opportunity to be promoted to a higher, more practical position. Such people, when assigned to the company, often receive special
consideration from above. Another type of punishment involves making some inexplicable mistake. This kind of punishment, while ensuring
no stain remains on the file compared to a formal disciplinary action, also spreads the impression of the mistake more powerfully into people's minds than written records
. Moreover, it's far less explicit and clear than a written record of the mistake. This kind of punishment will always make people
feel you've made a mistake, and if you investigate, you'll feel there's a "reason for the mistake, but no concrete evidence." Anyone
can lecture you, "Do more self-criticism, correct your mistakes if you have them, and strive to improve if you don't. Revolutionary soldiers, as long as you're doing revolutionary work,
should treat it as a trust and test from the organization."

Lai Zi and I have been trusted and tested in this cave for three months.

"Lai Zi, another three months, I'm afraid I'll be ruined."

I said to Lai Zi, with a touch of bitterness.

"Just follow orders," Lai Zi replied, also with a touch of bitterness.

As soon as we entered the cave, the two of us were even closer and inseparable. Lai Zi sighed, "We've become
homosexuals . We're in the same boat."

We resumed our embraces and kisses, which had been suspended for a while.

Once, he said breathlessly, "Xiao, if you really don't dislike men, then... I want you
to get serious."

I knew what he wanted, so I said, "No!"

"Xiao," his voice trembled, "I always think I'm the one who ruined you. Because... I can't explain it,
I... I've always really wanted... wanted to be with a man... you... you just happened to meet me. If you really... accept it, and
it's come to this, if you're willing, then... we won't have suffered in vain..."

I agreed, wholeheartedly, because I didn't feel any unhappiness. On the contrary, when I felt I truly
possessed everything Lai Zi had, when I felt a beautiful, living same-sex life belonged to me, the fulfillment and joy made me
intoxicated.

Lai Zi, from then on, regained some of his liveliness.

The sacred duty was intertwined with the affair of these two young men and the aimless boredom.

The two Vietnamese soldiers seemed to be passing the time.

"Qiangzi" would always be heard humming an old tune like a toothless old woman, while "Dulu" remained silent.
"Is 'Dulu' mute?" I asked Laizi.

"Poor thing, he's only fifteen at most." "

Qiangzi is probably a lecherous drunkard," I said.

"Drinking is possible, but womanizing... no opportunity," Laizi concluded solemnly after careful consideration.

"He and 'Dulu' are probably gay too."

"You know, I'm enough for you, why worry about others?" Laizi's tone suggested he already
knew about the two Vietnamese soldiers.

Lai Zi loves to tease and joke, but he also loves to take things seriously.

Before each routine patrol, he always makes sure he's impeccably groomed, head to toe. Once,
after getting hot walking in the ditch, I unbuttoned my collar and shirt, and he glared at me fiercely, growling, "Button it up!"... Because of
his rotten crotch, I've repeatedly suggested he not wear shorts underneath for better ventilation, but he never listens... Lai Zi is tall, strong
, handsome, and has striking features. Holding a brand-new rifle, he's more impressive than any painted or sculpted
PLA soldier.

Squatting in caves and traversing ravines, Lai Zi is the only sight I find pleasing, and it seems only he deserves to be
a sight I never tire of admiring. It's fate, I think.

As tensions between the Chinese and Vietnamese escalated, the company's daily training became almost frantic, while here (
and those two young Vietnamese across the way) remained like an old clock, its rhythm dull and soporific.

"I'm going crazy with loneliness!" I shouted into the valley.

"A soldier's duty is to obey orders," Lai Zi replied calmly.

"Yeah! We can still talk to each other to pass the time, but those two 'voices' and 'dulu' are enough to make it difficult
. What can the two of them say?"

"You," Lai Zi smiled bitterly, "you cry while reading *Romance of the Three Kingdoms*..."

"Fuck you, you young Vietnamese bastards!"

I turned and cursed down the cliff, the sound echoing through the ravine.

"Don't cause trouble..."

Lai Zi said, staring blankly into the unpredictable darkness outside the cave.

The continuous overcast skies made Lai Zi's groin ulcer worse; the excruciating itching was followed by piercing pain. Several packets of "Liu Yi San
" (a traditional Chinese medicine) were applied, turning his groin into a muddy mess, causing him to waddle. On patrol, he stood tall and proud, but back in the cave,
he quickly pulled down his pants, grabbed some herbal medicine and cotton balls to apply, and inhaled deeply as he did so

... "Lai Zi, I can handle the patrols alone next time, you don't need to go, Lai Zi!" I felt so sorry for him.
"How can that be? What if something happens?"

"What could happen? I can handle anything."

"I'm worried... Xiao, I just hope to see you return unscathed after the war..."

"The green hills of the world bury loyal bones, why must one return wrapped in a horse's hide?"

"Nonsense!" Lai Zi suddenly growled angrily, "If you want to be a hero, wait until I leave or I'm...
finished , then you can do it. I don't care. As long as I have a breath left, I'll see you return!" Seeing me stunned, he softened
his tone, "Actually, I don't like hearing your unpleasant words, they're awkward."

"I understand, Lai Zi." I stopped being aggressive.

I understood his heart. He always felt that he had led me astray, causing me to suffer this punishment. But I don't think so.
To use a philosophical principle my teacher taught in political class, this is an inevitability within chance. What if I hadn't met Lai Zi, or
Lai Zi hadn't met me? What if I hadn't been sent to help him and ended up sharing a room with him? Besides, I
don't think the deputy political instructor was deliberately punishing us. He was just following a precedent. He'd already been transferred to the military
headquarters in the provincial capital as a staff officer. His father-in-law was a high-ranking official in Beijing. His focus was on finding connections to transfer him away from the front lines
where a major battle was about to break out. He wouldn't
hold a grudge He didn't even believe we could destroy
the Great Wall of Armed Forces that could drive Chiang Kai-shek into the sea and the American imperialists back to the 38th parallel in Korea. I really don't want Lai Zi to keep blaming himself for this
. Everything that's happened between us since I met him has been of my own free will. No matter what happens, I will never blame him.

I told him that his overthinking only made me sadder.

"Just stop saying those unlucky things. They make my heart melt like tofu, it's so annoying," he said, very
seriously .

"I understand," I kissed him. "I understand, Lai Zi!"

How could I not understand?

(Part Three)

Before Lai Zi and I crossed the line of this "game," I not only told him, but also to some close and not-so-close friends
, intentionally or unintentionally repeating the boasts I made during my school days. I always said that I had been loved by several girls, and that romantic
relationships were no longer a mystery or unfamiliar to me…

I myself, and even those who heard me, knew that this was just common boasting among boys, nothing more than boasting.
Being loved only by one's parents is a sign of immaturity.

Growing up means being loved and daring to love others; men love women, and women love men.

A person who isn't loved hasn't grown up. They are destined to be looked down upon like a child.

Actually, from junior high school onwards, classmates were filled with this kind of boasting, both true and false.

Along with this boasting, there was also another kind of whispered gossip.

Two close friends would walk and chat, one suddenly saying to the other, "Last night, I 'got wet' again.
" Their expressions were extremely smug and arrogant.

Male classmates would start commenting on which girl was pretty. Although they also had their own fantasies, there was always a vague
standard , and they subconsciously "assigned" the pretty girl to a male classmate they also considered pretty. Thus, "
rumors" began to breed.

Those struck by this "rumor" are not angry; they feign resentment and half-heartedly deny it—in reality, they are
happy to accept it and glad it's true.

Boys who constantly chase after girls are looked down upon by their peers, while those who are talked about and fawned over by girls
are envied by their friends.

Even the most unremarkable boys, who never attract girls' attention, are not immune to loneliness. They often seize opportunities to feign a mysterious
melancholy and spread rumors among their peers, "So-and-so likes me, what should I do?"

But this often earns them backbiting—

"He looks like a potato, what a load of rubbish!"

"His 'thing' looks like a peanut..." "

He's not even hairy yet..." Love and being loved begin with a vague understanding of one's own, others', and the opposite and same sex's attractiveness. Thus, the school is filled with some arrogant and unruly boys who, confident in their good looks, act like untrained, un-castrated foals . They always strutted around the sports field with an air of superiority, displaying their athleticism and offering their loud, boastful opinions on everything. They loved to flaunt their fierce and chivalrous sense of justice and to project a cynical and extraordinary image. They were fed up with the monotonous affection and love from their parents and teachers . They were disgusted by this kind of love that felt like a gift. They felt they deserved extra love, the kind of love that didn't involve nagging or demands. To receive it, they would secretly "discipline" themselves: their hair was no longer messy, their clothes were no longer filthy, and even their fingernails were free of grime… The feeling of being beautiful made them lose themselves. I have a bit of that temperament, but I'm not pretty. I have narrow, small eyes, and I don't have the broad forehead that others have to show intelligence . I'm just tall and fair-skinned. My most admired standard of beauty is "fair skin covers a hundred flaws." My temper, though only slightly, prevented me from being the best student academically or in terms of conduct, or the most obedient to teachers . I was a star player on the basketball court, and also most enthusiastic about drawing, but I never aspired to be a great artist, so I never truly sought out a teacher or put in the effort. I was content with showing off in front of everyone . (Just imagine, how alluring and mysterious must it be for girls to see a tall, well-proportioned, fair-skinned boy effortlessly arranging colors into shapes...) The feeling of being handsome made even the most careless boys sensitive and jealous, secretly envying and admiring their equally handsome or even more handsome male friends. Unattractive boys often lacked the support of their peers, while handsome boys were always surrounded by admirers. Although Hongxiang was the "first" to lead me into that kind of game, I didn't actually like him. Hongxiang was a good six feet tall, very thin, with a rat-like face. His hands were incredibly white and smooth. When he casually slipped his hands inside my waistband during class, stroking around, that tense yet mysterious feeling was controlled by those hands, preventing me from feeling disgusted. At that time, however, I kept thinking about summer in our class. He was truly handsome; he was practically the most handsome man in the whole school.

It
was . He was skilled on the parallel bars in the summer and was the most
popular solo singer during the school's festival performances. Actually, his voice was far from flattering; it had that high-pitched, muffled quality
typical , and his singing was completely off-key. But the girls still applauded his awful singing enthusiastically,
with one person leading the chants: "Xia Tian, give us one! Xia Tian, give us one!"

Many male students felt a pang of jealousy. I was jealous too. How could he have such large, bright eyes set beneath his prominent forehead , such thick, almost continuous eyebrows ,

and such broad, muscular shoulders and chest? I would secretly grieve for my sunken chest, for my narrow, small eyes… especially when swimming. Summer seemed to cherish this opportunity to flaunt his good looks; he would dive in , demonstrating his courage and physique, rather than hiding his beauty underwater. I stared at Summer in his tight briefs, at his beautifully shaped buttocks, at the prominent bulge below his abdomen created by the briefs— a bulge that seemed to resonate like a bronze bell, incomparable to any other male student… A sense of anxiety and regret grew within me. I desperately wanted to engage in that kind of game with him; I desperately wanted to know what other beauty was hidden within such a beautiful physique. This anxiety and regret lasted almost until graduation, when we parted ways. Upon meeting Lai Zi, my anxiety and regret were reignited, though shrouded in a hazy mist—perhaps because I lacked a clear self-identification, making it ever-present yet always shrouded in a fog; or perhaps because Lai Zi made me so approachable, without any air of arrogance or ostentation. Actually, Lai Zi was very handsome, though lacking the heaviness of summer. He was more agile and charming; he loved to tease, and everyone loved to tease him, chasing and playing with him. At these times, he would laugh and dodge left and right—as I've said before—he was more like a leaping little deer. Finally, on the night we shared our first kiss, he suddenly made my conviction clear— why I was so overjoyed when I heard I was to be his assistant, practically running to report to him as soon as I left the camp headquarters, and eagerly moving into his dormitory that very day; why I was so careful to obey him and please him at work, abandoning the pride I had once been so proud of… It could be said that even when I ignored his advice and submitted a report requesting to join the company for combat, it was still driven by this same impulse. But I also felt a little resentment towards him. He shouldn't have written to that damned editorial department, nor should he have mentioned that damned thing I had never even considered… “homosexuality.” Hearing those three words sent a chill down my spine, washing over the pleasure I felt when we were together. It spread like a poisonous fog: Could this mean we're gay? But did Lai Zi or I possess the androgynous ? In any case, we were outstanding comrades. We worked diligently, we excelled, we received praise from the regiment, commendations from the division… Ah, ah… and now, those three words… I've even come to accept them. I should confess, since accepting them, I 've developed an even more frenzied desire for Lai Zi's beauty. Sometimes, I'll suddenly embrace him, shamelessly grinning , "Lai Zi, I have to have you, I can't hold back…" And at that moment, there's a vengeful satisfaction in the carnal pleasure: I am gay! To get this handsome young man like this, even being gay isn't unjust! Lai Zi! "Let 's... just go all out with this homosexuality!" Lai Zi had changed too. Aside from necessary reminders, the attitude he once had towards me as a "superior" was completely gone. He was submissive to me, almost to the point of being unprincipled. Sometimes, when he was watching outside the cave with a gun, I would shamelessly cling to him, even mimicking the language of a thug and a woman making love, swearing at him and forcing him to respond... He would just remain silent, his expression pained. He believed he had seduced me, led me to this uncertain future, this life-or-death situation. He felt remorse and shame; he endured the pain to satisfy me, and also endured the pain, hoping that I could separate from him safely, physically and mentally, in life and destiny... Even my frivolous, battlefield-ready bluff became so sensitive to his remorse. How could I not understand, Lai Zi! “I won’t say such nonsense again, Lai Zi,” I stroked him, “Not only do I want to go back safely, but you have to go back safely too, Lai Zi, we… this is a destined love, a love that transcends life and death. I love you, not because you teased me, but because I wanted to, because I’ve loved you since I was little… fate sent you to me…” “You naughty boy, stop talking, you… you used to flirt with girls like this, didn’t you?” He tried to joke, but his voice choked. Night fell again. I heard that thirty-something-year-old Yue man singing mournfully again. The battlefield was silent, utterly still. “While there’s still some light, let me apply some medicine for you,” I said. Lai Zi’s groin was treated with a new, special medicine; a hard scab had formed on the wound, revealing some of the young man’s vitality. “If the weather's good tomorrow, I'll keep an eye on things. You can just hide in the bramble bushes behind and get some sun for half the day…” I instructed him. But then we heard an old Vietnamese man roar from below the cliff, followed by his endless shouting, and the younger old Vietnamese man saying something, his voice trembling with tears. “He's bullying that kid again, probably hitting him,” Lai Zi muttered to himself. We had seen that thirty-something Vietnamese soldier during the day beating that young soldier for some reason, kicking him relentlessly with the hard-toed leather boots left behind by the Americans, poking him with the butt of a new Soviet-supplied rifle, and whipping him with a copper -tipped leather … Their shouts and cries sounded even more vividly in the oppressive darkness of the valley as night fell. “Fuck you, you little old Yue!” I cursed with all my might at the inexplicable darkness. “Stop it!” Lai Zi nudged me. Their voices stopped too. Only when it was completely dark did I hear the old soldier's song again, a song he seemed destined to sing his entire life. “I’m sleepy, Xiao. Wake up! If you notice anything unusual, don’t hesitate, wake me…”

“Sleep, Lai Zi, sleep.” I turned to kiss him, wanting to convey this meaning—I
said we were gay, it wasn't up to you whether you wanted to or not; I didn't want to, and you couldn't do whatever you wanted, it wasn't your
business.

Lai Zi was indeed sleepy; he responded to my kiss, and later simply accepted it calmly.

I gently positioned his head in a comfortable sleeping position before stopping.

“I truly love you, Lai Zi!” I thought to myself. Since we both had genital warts, kissing was our only
way of showing love.

The night was too dark and too quiet, the night wind was whistling, a handful of sticky stuff could be squeezed dry, something crawled on my buttocks
, swaying as I wrote in foreign languages, I wiped it off, completely wet…

Outside the cave, it was still so dark, the bare cliff face also slept soundly in the darkness, seemingly quite dignified.

Finally, I heard insects chirping.

What a agonizing night!

I fumbled for a strong insect repellent spray. I fumbled for his shoes and socks, loosened his belt, so
his body could enjoy a bit of the rare night breeze.

I felt sorry for him, but I also resented his conscientiousness—during the day, to show the heroic bearing of a Chinese soldier, he refused to wear
any piece of his full uniform, inside or out; at night, because of the combat readiness order, he refused to take off
any clothes that could be immediately put into battle. He was unhappy that I was always shirtless and barefoot, even sunbathing naked. I could see
his dissatisfaction; I knew that if it were anyone else, he would have put on a "superior" face. I'd seen his "
superior's" face before; that little face was extremely stern. "This won't do! The background is drawn so carelessly, it doesn't capture the atmosphere of the battlefield.
No , redo it."

His shoes and socks were soaking wet, so I decided not to risk "breaking the rules" and quietly slipped out of the cave (this was unauthorized absence from my post!
), to the stream beside the cave to wash them for him. He was fast asleep. Last night, he didn't wake me to relieve him of his shift, and
he covered the night himself. During the day, because the original three patrols were increased by one, he didn't even blink
. It's been almost forty hours since he'd slept. That hateful Lai Zi, your seriousness is making my heart ache!

I washed his shoes and socks, and then quietly brought water to wash his stinky feet. His feet were soaked with sweat, like
swollen, dead flesh wrapped in oiled paper… I was afraid of waking him, so I washed them extremely carefully,
not daring . He was fast asleep, his snores low and muffled, completely still. My hand touched his feet, and I thought
about the time before and after he came down to the company to squat in this damned cave, about the change in his attitude towards me. My heart ached so much I wanted to cry. Was Lai Zi such
a reserved person? What about that lively little deer? He shouldn't have become
a young calf, prematurely harnessed and driven under the howling whip to pull a heavy cart? And I… I shouldn't have become
part of that harness, the whip, and the heavy cart either… I felt tears welling up in my eyes.

I held his feet, as if embracing him, and I couldn't help but kiss them with my lips and tongue. I wanted to tell him with my kiss
, "You don't need to feel guilty towards me. I'm willing, I'm willing! My love for you is even greater than your
love for me.

" His feet were salty, still smelly, but my kisses brought me real comfort… Don't people say
homosexuality is a perversion? So, let me be a pervert! If my affection for him, my heartache for him, and even
this fate-driven mutual support are perverted, I don't want to seek any damn explanation for this perversion. One sentence is
enough—I'm willing! (IV) The next day, I saw Lai Zi's face twitch painfully with every step he took on patrol. "What's wrong?" I asked him. "This..." he pointed to his crotch. Back in the cave, he pulled down his pants and saw that a large scab had been rubbed away, revealing fresh, tender flesh. "What should I do?" I felt helpless. If we wanted to avoid further damage, one option was to leave it exposed and wait for it to heal. I had been hospitalized for a minor burn before, so I knew that such wounds shouldn't be bandaged; exposure under sterile conditions was the best approach. But could that be done? Secondly… bandaging it would obviously make things worse. The two were at a loss. Suddenly, the walkie-talkie buzzed, the platoon leader's raspy voice again: "Hello, Comrade Zhao Laizi, is there any news?" "No… no news," Laizi replied, his hands full, leaning closer to the walkie-talkie on the floor. Taking advantage of his distraction, I grabbed the walkie-talkie and shouted, "Something's up!" "What… what… what's up…" the platoon leader's voice changed upon hearing this. “Zhao Laizi is wounded, his penis is half rotten, penis, that thing that grows on your body too…” “You…” Laizi, disregarding everything, tried to grab the walkie-talkie. “Fine, fine…” The platoon leader could be heard gritting his teeth, “You wait, I order you to wait…” The walkie-talkie buzzed, clearly not off. “You're always causing trouble!” Laizi complained, his face contorted in pain. I helped him sit up. He held the walkie-talkie in both hands, his lips twitching. I picked up a cotton ball and bent down to wipe his crotch. I almost couldn't bear to touch it; amidst the dark purple, a dozen or so small patches of bright red showed through. With each wipe, the flesh of his crotch trembled. The damp, stifling heat made it hard to breathe; I felt the sweat on my forehead and body desperately trying to burst through my pores… I threw away the sticky cotton ball and put on a new one. I held the swab of flesh in my palm, being careful not to let the cotton ball touch the exposed, raw flesh. I gently wiped away the grime, which I couldn't tell was either medicine paste or pus and blood. Lai Zi 's flesh trembled in my palm, trembling like an electric current … “Hello, hello, is this Lai Zi?” The walkie-talkie rang again; the platoon leader had brought over the political instructor. "It's me..." "Come on, is Xiao Xiao next to you? Xiao Xiao..." Hearing me called, I looked up and answered, "Yes." "Come on, Xiao Xiao... What are you talking about? Everyone knows perfectly well... Oh, I just asked the regimental medical team, and a new batch of medicine arrived, including a special medicine for 'groin ulcers,' newly developed specifically for our frontline. Manager, I've already sent someone to pick it up and will deliver it to you right away. Xiao Xiao, you'd better apply the medicine frequently, treat it if you're sick, and prevent it if you're not . Also, I also brought you a transistor radio... It seems a bit troublesome for our radio station... Just listen to whatever you want, as long as there's sound, right?... Also, I've arranged for someone to talk to you every day..."

"Your call must last at least half an hour. Keep track of the time with your watches. If it's not enough, I'll punish him for '
embezzlement .' Hey, something interesting happened in the second platoon last night. That 'little guy from Jiangxi' was actually 'drawing maps' on his bed...
Hey, Lai Zi, Xiao Xiao, did you hear me clearly?..." "

I...I heard you clearly..." Lai Zi choked up.

"Xiao, Xiao Xiao, did you hear me?"

"Yes, I know, Instructor..."

"Listen, now, every soldier has a specific role... You two, hold your ground until the order to withdraw is given
. I'll recommend you both for commendation!" "

Yes, sir!"

"Xiao Xiao, is there anything else you want?" "

Laizi looked at me with tearful eyes and held the walkie-talkie to my lips. I hesitated for a long time, then gritted my teeth and said, 'When
the time comes, let me join the assault team. I'll get my revenge.'" ... A long time passed.

Laizi

sighed and said to me, who had been silent all along, 'The instructor is a good person, he knows how
to be considerate.'

'Hmm, not bad,' I replied.

Silence followed for a long time. He seemed to be talking to himself, 'The instructor even said he'd recommend us for merit. Judging from his attitude, it doesn't seem
like...'

'It doesn't seem like what?'

'It doesn't seem like... he knows about our affairs.

'

... I suddenly exploded in anger: "

I want to ask! I want to hear what you're spouting! You...you
really make me hate you! I've confessed my feelings to you countless times, but you just won't listen. You...you've just
stuck those three words in your heart, haven't you?" "I love you, I fucking love you, I fucking love you until I'm old, until I die
, I'll love you for a lifetime, and after this life, I'll continue loving you in the next. I want to love you for eternity..." He
muttered to himself , looking utterly

pathetic... Lai Zi didn't speak. His face was pale. He initially seemed surprised, but a layer of sorrow slowly enveloped him.
He was like a child in danger, hopeless and helpless. Tears welled in his eyes, and then large,
silent drops of tears fell. He remained motionless, completely still...

Looking at Lai Zi's handsome face, which resembled a statue due to its paleness, and seeing his sorrow and tears, my
anger, like wisps of cloud blown by a gale, vanished far, far away...

"Don't take it to heart, I bullied you again." "...Come, lie down, let me apply the medicine for you..."
Actually , I was also very sad and wanted to cry, but I couldn't bear to add to their
heartbreaking pain. I forced a smile, "Lai Zi, I believe in fate. Even though you're a few years older than me, you should give way
to me as my older brother. That's fate too. Lie down, or I'll really get angry. Don't blame me for being reckless again..."

Lai Zi obediently lay down.

"Don't move! Let me take your pants off. Who told me... I've really fallen in love with you like a married couple..."
Lai Zi choked out, "Xiao, don't try to comfort me. I understand your heart... I really want you to beat me up
." "

Just you wait, one day... I'll see you're with someone else, you'll get annoyed with me, you'll resent me, and I'll decide if I can
bring myself hurt you. I... I won't just hit you, I'll kill you!"

...

(V)

The valley remained silent, and Lai Zi and I remained together.

To my delight, Lai Zi began to regain his liveliness.

Seeing me naked in the sun, he exclaimed, "Why is it always cloudy? It's like the heavenly dog is drying its eggs!"

To wake me, he poked my buttocks with his finger, yelling, "I poked it in, and you're still pretending to snore
!"

His way of addressing me started to get all mixed up: "Bad Boy," "Sun Wukong" (implying I had that thing like a golden cudgel )
, "Brother," "White Streak in the Waves," "Good Boy," and so on.

Of course, I didn't back down, calling him "Seat" (seat implying his buttocks), "Boss," "Brother Zhao,"
"Come and get me," and even "Handsome Wife." He joked, "From now on, I'll call you 'little
son-in-law'..."

Laughing and joking, the war situation was escalating rapidly.

The instructor informed us on the walkie-talkie that the situation was no longer simply "we won't attack
unless attacked, but if attacked, we will retaliate," but had reached a critical stage of "this is intolerable!" He commanded
that surveillance of the Vietnamese side could not be relaxed in the slightest, and that we should not tolerate any provocations from the Vietnamese side, but report to him
immediately . Moreover, he told us without hesitation that if the situation changed, Lai Zi and I could abandon
anything (preferably destroyed), take our weapons, and quickly evacuate. He had the communications officer deliver a
top-secret evacuation route map to prevent accidentally triggering the densely packed landmines. This unmine-free passage was
reserved specifically for Lai Zi and me.

Along with the route map came two cartons of "Chunghwa" cigarettes, supposedly specially supplied to Zhongnanhai.

Lai Zi, with his long-absent "boss" face, issued an order—these cigarettes could only be smoked during patrol.

"Yes, sir. Take your seats." I was inexplicably relieved to see his "boss" face again.

The war situation was tense, but nothing in the valley had changed.

Every day was still the routine patrol.

That day, patrolling to the narrow mouth of the ravine, we and the two old Vietnamese leaned against the rock face, no more than ten meters apart
, to rest .

Lai Zi pulled out a "Chunghwa" cigarette; the pack gleamed a brilliant red in the sunlight…

The two old Vietnamese leaned against their rock face as well.

"Qiangzi" also took out a cigarette and put it in his mouth ("Dulu" probably didn't smoke, because I'd never seen him smoke),
then rummaged around… clearly he hadn't brought any matches.

I glanced at him, then pulled out my electronic lighter, tossed it in my palm, a dazzling golden light flashing, and with a flick of
my wrist , lit a cigarette for Lai Zi and myself, taking a deep, satisfying drag…

“Qiangzi”’s eyes lit up, he put down his gun and moved towards us… I winked at Lai Zi,
smiled slightly, and flicked the lighter a dozen times, the bright red flame glowing vividly… “Qiangzi’s” eyes
turned blue, but “Dulu” tried to stop him. He shoved “Dulu” and almost lunged at us, but then
suddenly stopped…

“Hey, soldier, light a lighter…”

“Qiangzi” surprisingly spoke fluent Chinese.

“Dulu” followed closely behind, his round face flushed like a tomato, red with a hint of green, his hands gripping his gun tightly…

Laizi and I were startled and exchanged glances.

I casually approached “Qiangzi,” holding out my lighter…

“Qiangzi” chuckled dryly, offering to take it, but I didn’t. Instead, I lit the lighter with a click, and he laughed awkwardly again. As he
leaned forward, cigarette in hand, I withdrew my arm…

“Qiangzi” lost his smile, his face full of annoyance.

I, however, took out a “Chunghwa” cigarette and handed it to him along with the lighter.

Upon seeing this, "Qiangzi" immediately went from anger to joy, saying "thank you" and reaching out to take the cigarette. "Dulu," however,
said something unintelligible and blocked "Qiangzi's" arm.

"Qiangzi" shoved him hard, pushed up his hat, tilted his head, struck a pose of a carefree old soldier,
took the cigarette, lit it with my lighter, and took a puff.

A "whoosh" came from the brambles by the ditch, and a small squirrel darted out, giving us a surprised look before scurrying
across the ditch and disappearing.

"How about it? Much better than your cigarettes, right?" I asked.

"I've smoked this before," he said, a little unconvinced, but still took out his cigarette case—the kind of large green
pack they commonly use—and carefully put the unlit cigarette back in.

Laizi chuckled. He neither had the guts nor the willingness to engage in such "mischievous" behavior. I was seeking his
opinion with my eyes, and his tacit approval made me decide to continue this rare "entertainment.

" "I've smoked this cigarette before," "Qiangzi" repeated, still unconvinced.

“Of course,” I said, noticing his suede boots and “Dulu’s” “Liberation Shoes,”
gesturing as I added, “Of course, you’ve seen the world. Your shoes are American, no doubt about it. The
shoes he’s wearing are from us… You must have some French stuff in your warehouse. And you must have gotten some Russian stuff too?”

“Qiangzi” glared at me, blurting out, “We Vietnamese… can fight…”

“Ha,” I retorted, deliberately tilting my head and shaking one leg like a soldier, “Look at you, if a shell flew over and
didn’t hit you, it would shatter your skeleton. Look at him… He just stopped breastfeeding, and that thing… you know
, it probably hasn’t even grown hair yet…”

Laizi laughed.

“Qiangzi’s” thin, sallow face flushed red. He glared at me sideways, taking deep drags on his cigarette.

"Dulu" looked horrified, a fine layer of sweat glistening on the tip of his round nose.

"Qiangzi" finally finished his cigarette, then suddenly threw it away, tossed his hat aside, rolled up his sleeves, and glared at
me, asking, "Let's wrestle!"

I glanced at Laizi; he winked at me.

"Fine, let's wrestle!" I said, reaching for my gun.

Beside me, "Dulu" rushed forward, blocking my way between "Qiangzi." Worst of all, his gun
was no longer held horizontally in front of his chest, but level with it, pointing directly at me. "Qiangzi" tried to push him, but couldn't budge him. He
shouted something hoarsely to "Qiangzi," and then held the gun even level...

"Forget it, forget it..." Lai Zi walked over with a smile, pulled me back from my eager attempt, gave "Qiangzi"
a little finger wag, and glanced at the tense "Dulu." He said to "Qiangzi," "Forget it, look at your
partner, he doesn't even know how to joke, he's completely clueless!"

"Yeah, let's not fall," I said, finding an excuse for myself, "He's completely clueless!"

"Qiangzi" panted angrily. "Dulu," however, still held the gun level with his finger on the trigger,
standing motionless.

"Qiangzi" picked up his hat, slapped it against his leg, grabbed his gun, and strode towards their outpost.
After a few steps, he stormed towards "Dulu," who was still standing there somewhat panicked, and shouted—either ordering "Dulu" to come
back with him, or perhaps cursing him out...

Then, Laizi and I leaned against the stone wall again, lit cigarettes, and hummed leisurely...

"Sister searches for her brother, tears streaming down her face; her heart is filled with sorrow at not seeing her brother..."

That night, we heard the two of them arguing, sometimes loudly, sometimes softly, for half the night. It seemed "Qiangzi"
was quite upset that he hadn't been able to wrestle with me during the day.

Laizi and I, however, felt unusually content. I said, "Brother Lai, those two aren't as good as us. They're probably
saying they're going to 'get a divorce.' They're a 'bundled couple'..."

Lai Zi said, "You're so wicked! You'll only behave if your wickedness is completely worn down."

Perhaps "Dulu" had been badly scolded by "Qiangzi," because for several days, he followed "Qiangzi" listlessly on patrol
, not even daring to look us in the eye.

"Qiangzi" suddenly became quite energetic. He somehow got hold of a lighter, an electronic one, and every time they reached the ditch, he'd
pull keep clicking away, extremely pleased with himself.

"Qiangzi is showing off to us," I said.

"Hmph, he's just bored," Lai Zi said.

So, during patrol, I deliberately raised my leg high and swung my arm violently, making a cracking sound under my feet and creating a gust of wind. When I had a chance,
I would stick out my little finger and wag it at "Qiangzi," draw a circle on the ground with my foot, spit, and tap it with my toe...

"Qiangzi" and "Dulu" were completely baffled.

"You're really something, you even remembered the 'mute Zen' that kids in open-crotch pants play with, you're full of amazing skills...

" "Do they understand?"

"Who knows!"

...

(VI)

The patrol continued.

But the atmosphere of impending war grew increasingly tense. We heard daily, almost without pause,
stern , their language becoming increasingly sharp.

Our instructor also formally informed us to destroy anything unnecessary, to pack light, and to be ready to withdraw at any moment if we heard
our artillery fire

… Lai Zi and I both knew that the purpose of this outpost was gone. We were
somewhat happy that this tedious siege was about to end, but also saddened by the inevitable departure after the withdrawal, and the uncertain future ahead. We avoided discussing
what would happen after the withdrawal; we only used cuddling and embracing as a form of affection. At this moment, we spoke
significantly less; any words were superfluous. We just wanted to receive a little more of each other's breath and heartbeat, using this…
Strained breaths, conveying reluctance to part, bewildered blessings and hopes…

However, none of us expected that it would be that a petty solemnity, a meager sense of sublimity, a base
pride, a helpless sense of power that would force us to the moment of retreat.

It was a bright, sunny midday.

That day, we had just descended the cliff when suddenly "Qiangzi" scurried out of their "coffin lid," carrying a
water bottle and staggering towards us. "Dulu" followed closely behind, flustered and disoriented.

We quickly stopped him, a strong smell of alcohol hitting us.

"Qiangzi" was pulled back by "Dulu" and stopped. His thin face and neck were flushed red. He raised the
water bottle and shouted at us, "Chinese soldiers, drink well! Ours... after we finish, let's wrestle! Vietnamese, Chinese..."

Lai Zi signaled to me to stop him from confronting me.

I smiled at "Qiang Zi" and said, "Let's talk when you're sober. Even if I win, it'll
look like I'm bullying you."

"Qiang Zi" glared at me with a deadpan look. He brought the water bottle to his nose, smelled it, and then glared at me, offering it to me
: "Drink! Soldiers, drink..."

I didn't take it and instinctively took a step back.

"Qiangzi" chuckled, his laughter growing louder and louder until tears streamed down his face. He hunched over, laughing, and took another
gulp . He choked, coughing violently for a good while, tears and snot streaming down his face. He wiped them away, swaying slightly. "
Dulu" tried to help him, but he pushed her away forcefully, then swung the kettle closer to me and Laizi.

"Dulu's" face was pale in the sunlight.

“Soldiers… in war, drinking is what soldiers do… drink… drink, soldiers…”

he cried, ripping open his clothes to reveal a chest as bony as a washboard. He laughed again, a laugh
filled with despair, a laugh that sent chills down your spine

… “Soldiers who can’t even drink, how can they fight? Drink up, the wine… there’s no poison in it… drink, drink up…”
His hand trembled as he reached for the water bottle, moving closer and closer, laughing, his mouth stretched, but large tears welled up…
“We’re all soldiers, fighting, drinking…”

His muffled voice inexplicably carried a sob.

A strange tremor ran through me too. I looked at him; he stared intently at the water bottle, his lips pressed tightly together.

“Drink…”

Looking at the water bottle in “Qiangzi’s” hand, I felt it expanding infinitely. Its deathly blackish-green color, almost like a thick fog,
blocked everything in front of me, filling the narrow ravine. A sense of inferiority, a feeling of being a nobody, squeezed me
so hard my ears rang, as if someone was gripping my neck, making it hard to breathe…

I glanced at Laizi again; he wasn’t looking at me. I took a deep breath and reached for the water bottle…

“Qiangzi” chuckled, silently, but clearly genuinely.

Suddenly, “Dulu” leaped forward, forcefully flicking the water bottle away with his gun. The bottle flew from “Qiangzi’s” hand,
a dark green arc, silently landing on the sandy bottom of the ravine. A flurry of crystalline liquid
filled the air. A small stream flowed from the bottle’s spout, gurgling a few times, then dried up, leaving the ravine reeking of alcohol…

I retreated to Lai Zi's side a step earlier. For some reason, Lai Zi reached out and helped me up, as if I were about to pass out from
drinking … But “Qiang Zi,” after just a moment's hesitation, let out a long howl, grabbed
“Dulu,” and before “Dulu” could utter a sound, he was already dragged to the ground by “Qiang Zi.” The drunken “Qiang Zi” had a burst of
energy ; he grabbed “Dulu” by the belt, lifted him half a person's height, and slammed him hard to the ground. After a few slams, he
kicked “Dulu,” sending him rolling on the ground. “Dulu” couldn't withstand his American-style leather shoes and screamed in pain. “
Qiang Zi,” disregarding everything, snatched “Dulu’s” gun and began striking him repeatedly on the head with the butt…

"Dulu" rolled away to dodge, which enraged "Qiangzi." His eyes bloodshot, he
screamed chased after "Dulu," stomping on his stomach, determined to pin him down. "Dulu

" burst into tears!

His voice was that of a child, absolutely a child's!

I saw Laizi's face turn deathly pale. Just as "Qiangzi" swung his gun at "Dulu" like a madman,
Laizi darted forward like an arrow, desperately catching the gun in "Qiangzi's" hand…

"Run! He'll kill you!"

Blood streaming from his mouth and nose, stunned by the blow, "Dulu" scrambled to his feet in panic and instinctively ran towards us.

Laizi and I were trying our best to subdue "Qiangzi." Suddenly, a chilling barrage of gunfire echoed through
the valley.

It was "Qiangzi" pulling the trigger amidst the chaos.

The gunfire shocked me, and it shocked Laizi as well. He shoved "Qiangzi" to the ground, grabbed me, and ran.

The gunfire shocked "Dulu." He abruptly stopped, frantically reaching for his gun, forgetting it was in "Qiangzi's"
hand.

The gunfire shocked "Qiangzi." He stopped his frenzy, collapsing to the ground in a daze, a wisp of
smoke still curling from the muzzle.

In the instant Laizi and I brushed past "Dulu,"
gunfire erupted from either side of the mountains.

Gunfire whistled overhead.

We ran back into the cave. The platoon leader was urgently calling through the walkie-talkie: "Zhao Laizi, with our cover, evacuate
immediately !"

Laizi gripped the walkie-talkie, and after a long pause, finally answered, "Yes, sir!"

The gunfire grew denser and louder, and swarms of locusts swarmed overhead in the sunlight.

"Let's go!"

There was nothing of value in the cave. Laizi tucked the walkie-talkie into his pocket and picked up the transistor radio. My mind
went blank ; I vaguely felt that this "urgent evacuation" order was no different from the daily inquiries from the platoon leader.

"Let's go!" Laizi urged me.

We left the cave, but neither of us wanted to run. We simply walked step by step towards the path through the brambles and hazel bushes beside the cave. I
couldn't hear anything, only the cries of children; I couldn't see anything, only a blur of
dark green

flickering in and out of sight… "Someone's crying!" Lai Zi stopped in his tracks.

Looking back, a layer of smoke, more than two feet thick, had accumulated at the bottom of the ravine. The sky was clear, cloudless, and
the world seemed utterly silent. Only swarms of locusts scurried back and forth on the mountainside opposite…
Ah, at the bottom of the ravine, "Qiangzi" was still sitting there like a wooden or clay sculpture, clutching his gun. Beside him stood "
Dulu , standing ramrod straight

… They were covered by layers of accumulated smoke.

"Is that 'Dulu' crying?" Lai Zi asked me.

I listened closely, but only heard my own heart pounding.

I could only shake my head. (Postscript) After we retreated to our company, we parted ways as expected. Lai Zi was appointed
political instructor of a reinforced company, while I was recalled to battalion headquarters and appointed communications platoon leader. Soon, the great war officially broke out
, and my brother Lai Zi lost both legs to a landmine.

Two years passed in a flash, and I was discharged from the army.

I went to see him—he had prosthetic legs and was assigned to a middle school as the vice principal in charge of logistics.

I can't bear to describe him any further here.

The meeting was a pleasant surprise, but it was just the usual small talk. When we arrived at his dormitory, and our hands were clasped together again
, that familiar anticipation was rekindled.

Lai Zi was awarded a first-class merit and a third-class merit. He's now the fifth vice
principal ,

and he's single. He's not even thirty yet.

Seeing his clothes and the simplicity of his dormitory, I felt indignant.

He calmly said, "Thinking about how back then, the mountains were full of dead babies. I'm alive, so this is enough
!"

He asked about my situation, and I told him that after being discharged from the army, I was assigned to the management committee of a small development zone, which I was quite proud
of.

He asked casually, "You have a girlfriend, right? Or are you married?"

I answered, "No." "

Not married?"

"No, not dating." "

..." He hesitated, then said after a long pause, "You should."

"No," I finally lost patience with this roundabout way of speaking, "Brother Lai, you should know why I came to see you." "

..." He smiled bitterly and sighed softly, "What do you want from me? Look at me, do I even look human?"

"No, I'm not the same Xiao I used to be... Now, I... am quite indulgent, do you believe me
? You... will you dislike me? I understand better now, I myself... am inherently a... a
little lecher who loves men..."

He murmured after a long pause, "I...I'm done..."

"Why?"

"Do you even need to ask? Xiao, half a person..."

"You...you still...always blame yourself?"

"No. Thinking about you...I really think so, this life has been worthwhile. It's just...I always think of that '
Dulu,' even more pitiful than us..."

"We won't go to war anymore," I said.

"?"

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