Reprinted from a collection of memoirs (complete)

Memoirs of the Past (1): My Peeping Experiences

I have a particular fondness for peeping at girls' private parts, imagining all sorts of things, and enjoying the pleasure of seeing but not being able to have. Below are some of my "deeds" as a recollection and confession
of my youth ! My earliest peeping target was my neighbor's older sister. She was in high school then, and I often liked to go to her house when I had nothing to do. In the summer, as soon as she got home, she would lie down in front of the rice bowl to watch TV, and often, unintentionally, her snow-white underwear would peek out from under her schoolgirl skirt, making me, in my adolescence, feel my blood boil at the sight of the white light shining from under her skirt. (I was a good boy and didn't have much money to buy adult books, so peeping at girls' underwear became my fantasy and outlet for my lust). But no matter how I looked, she always wore white schoolgirl underwear... There was a young woman upstairs who loved to visit my house. She was about thirty years old, quite pretty , and had a good figure, just thin and bony. Her child was in first grade. One time she came to my house again, sitting in the living room... I was chatting with my mother in the living room while I did my homework. I accidentally dropped my eraser , it bounced a few times, and landed under the sofa. I crouched down to look for it and was shocked to find the opening of the young woman's denim skirt facing me. Carefully avoiding my mother's and her gaze, I shifted my perspective, pretending to look for something, and finally caught a glimpse under her skirt… the white thong between her thighs seemed unable to conceal the full bulge of her breasts… that erotic bulge!! Unfortunately, the slit in her skirt closed up again. I couldn't stay under the table forever, so I pretended to have a toothache, went to my room to get a mirror, sat on the sofa pretending to look at my teeth, and adjusted the angle to capture the glimpse of the young woman's unintentional beauty peeking out from under her skirt… As she got up to leave, I thought I saw the openwork part of the upper part of her thong… (Middle school student) Always playful, lecherous, and cowardly. Because I attended a private middle school, which combined junior and senior high sections, I always liked to hide at the foot of the stairs after morning assembly, peeking at the glimpses of spring revealed by the older girls' skirts as they went upstairs... Most high school girls still preferred to wear schoolgirl-style white underwear, I think partly as a sign of innocence, and partly because they were afraid of being seen by us lecherous guys, afraid that wearing anything too sexy would make us get nosebleeds... :p... We also played the trick of hiding mirrors on shoes. I remember an art teacher who had just graduated from art school and came to teach us. She was very pretty and always wore dresses... Little did we know that what she considered the most dignified attire was our favorite target. From the reflection in the mirror , we could glimpse her round buttocks, covered by pink thongs. Unfortunately, we could only "foot" her from behind , so we couldn't see her colorful three... The front half of the boxer shorts. There was also a female history teacher , a recent graduate from teachers' college, who was quite good-looking. Perhaps because she was new to teaching and inexperienced, she would often bend over when students asked her questions, unknowingly revealing her flesh-colored lace bra... This made our history class particularly lively and engaging with questions. In the summer, she liked to wear sleeveless dresses, showing off her beautiful arms. Her armpit hair was very dark and thick, and during class, I often fantasized about whether her pubic hair was as dark and shiny as her armpit hair—what a wicked boy! However, when she raised her hand to write on the blackboard, the armpit hair that was revealed did indeed cause a great sensory stimulation for me as a young boy. Our English teacher was a beautiful woman, about to get married . We always loved to wait for her to walk by in the corridor, then steal a glimpse of the secrets hidden under her long skirt through the reflection in the mirror, and then write "white," "pink," or... on the blackboard of the class she was going to teach. Blue... One summer afternoon, I was taking a nap at home when that young woman came again. It turned out she had asked my mother to buy some vegetables and was coming to pick them up. That day, she was wearing a bright red skirt, knee-length. I thought to myself, " Probably nothing to see," and went back to sleep. When I woke up, I went to the kitchen to open the refrigerator for a drink of water and found my mother had left. The young woman was squatting on the floor arranging her vegetables. I went closer and was shocked to find that she had lifted her skirt to make it easier to squat. With some wicked intention, I approached her and started chatting casually, my eyes scanning for any glimpse of her underwear that might be revealed when she inadvertently opened her legs... My efforts paid off. She was probably so focused on her work that she forgot about the elegance of her squatting posture. During a three-minute break, I carefully examined the color, style, and material of her panties... Today she was wearing pink, low-rise panties without lace, a plain and unpretentious style. The fabric seemed to be cotton, and I could even see the front seam of her panties. I imagined that behind the seam lay her secret forest and valley! Unfortunately, I couldn't see any pubic hair peeking out from the edge of her panties... As my heart raced and my little brother began to stir, she suddenly looked up, probably noticing my impure gaze. She then pulled her legs together, revealing her skirt. I smiled slightly at her and excused myself to go to the bathroom... Of course, this time I spent a particularly long time in the bathroom... :p Time flies, and I've passed through my somewhat wicked yet not entirely wicked junior high school years, and I've been admitted to a high school... The high school wasn't very popular, but it was close to home. I still lived at home, occasionally sneaking peeks at erotic novels and smoking cigarettes; life went on monotonously like that. I was a bit short and had a face full of acne. While my classmates were busy chasing girls and skipping class, I, lacking any female attention, could only attend classes on time and be a good boy. Occasionally I'd hide under the covers and masturbate, fantasizing about peeling back that small piece of fabric from under a woman's skirt to explore the secrets of that dark forest... Life repeated itself monotonously like that... The older sister next door was already in college and paid more attention to her appearance, so I rarely saw her exposed anymore. Upstairs... Women rarely come here, but occasionally I still manage to set traps and catch a glimpse under their skirts. I record the time, place, color, and style in my diary . Other times, I only saw a young girl intently drawing in the park once. Because she was sitting on the ground, she accidentally revealed her underwear. I went closer to look... it was white girl's underwear, but with some patterns on it. Upon closer inspection, it turned out to be cute cartoon characters! Ah, it looked like a little girl's thong! I really wished I were that little fairy on the underwear, licking her girlish fragrance... Another time, I went to buy shoes. When I bent down to try them on, I glanced at the thong of a woman sitting opposite me who was also trying on shoes. She was about twenty-five or twenty-six years old, wearing a light green dress. I saw her legs opening and closing as she tried on the shoes, revealing a slightly greenish hue (I think it was probably because the light shone through the green dress onto the white underwear!). It was thin...

The briefs; I said they were thin because I could glimpse her black pubic hair, which seemed to be
visible ... In those brief five seconds, I saw her private parts that are not easily seen by others!!
As I was leaving after buying shoes, I saw another girl in a tight skirt standing or sitting trying on shoes. My gaze met
the opening of her skirt, revealing a flesh-colored, see-through brief!! But because she was also
wearing pantyhose, and the lighting inside the skirt was dim, I could only catch a fleeting glimpse. I've discovered that shoe stores are
really good places for peeping. If I don't get into university, I'll become a shoe store assistant,
hehe ... :p

Aside from these amazing sights, life is basically monotonous and boring. As
Barbuse said: "Un jour, tout ce qui est triste finira"
(One day, sad things, (It will eventually come to an end)

This situation continued until my beautiful cousin was admitted to university, moved into my house, and then graduated and started working
... A period of six years made my life bloom with flowers; during this
period of struggle between reason, morality and desire, in addition to satisfying my voyeuristic pleasure and indulging in
fantasies about my cousin's youthful body, I also explored the subtle inner world and world of desire of women for the first time,
and experienced the taste of the sea of sex and the mountain of passion... But that is another story...

Memoirs (2): My first encounter with my cousin
One day I came home from school and saw a beautiful young girl smiling at me as soon as I entered the door. Her face was vaguely
similar... It turned out to be my cousin, Ru.

When I was a child, I always liked to pester her. She was two years older than me and had the demeanor of an older sister. Because she
was an only child and I was an only child, and we lived close by, we often played together. Like playing
house together, she played the bride and I played the groom. My carefree and happy childhood
passed by like this. She wasn't exactly a beauty, but her features were quite striking, and she had a good figure (as she grew up
). Most importantly, she was the gentle and graceful type of girl; being with her was very
comfortable , like a breath of fresh air. She never seemed to know what anger was, probably because her family wasn't well-off
, so she always had a lot of tolerance and understanding towards others. When I was little, I liked to play pranks on
her and make her angry, but the most she would do was hide away and cry. After the storm passed, we'd
be playing together again. [img]images/post/smile/default/smile.gif" /> As a child, I often told her that I wanted to marry her when I grew up, and she
would just smile and reply, "Then you'd better grow up quickly and stop bullying me!!" I
would often take the opportunity to snuggle into her arms, tickling her until she begged for mercy. At that time
, I think my pure love for her was more out of respect than romantic love. And for her, it was more like sibling
affection. When I entered junior high school, our whole family moved north, and news of my cousin was sporadic
. I only knew that she had excellent grades and got into the provincial girls' high school (while I barely managed to get into a mediocre
high school). The unfamiliarity, curiosity, and adaptation to the new environment gradually made me
forget , and the memories slowly faded. The joking vows, like fairy tales I heard as a child, became
distant and unfamiliar.

Now, she looks almost the same as when I was a child, except her hair is longer and she's thinner, making
her delicate features even more slender. She's wearing an apricot-yellow dress, and her
legs are shapely below the knees. She smiles gently at me. Ah!! That smile, when I first moved north, made me cry in
the middle of the night , unable to sleep. And now I see her again, is it true!? Or not!?
I can only awkwardly and clumsily talk to her, chatting casually. It turns out she got into T University this year and is going north
to study. My aunt is a conservative country woman. I didn't feel comfortable having her stay on her own, so I asked her to come live with me.
Wow! What a blessing! I chatted with her casually. Clearly,
the price of studying hard was that she wore glasses, but it also added a touch of refinement and elegance to her face.
I rambled on and on about Taipei, and she maintained her usual gentle smile... She didn't talk much, but
she loved
to laugh... just like when I was a child!!

Later, I pretended to be helpful (actually, I was also excited) and helped her tidy up her room, putting on
the act of a virtuous househusband. As she turned to tidy up... As I packed my luggage, I carefully observed her back...
Her figure was still the same, only more beautiful and taller, her well-proportioned figure encased in a fitted dress. She
had blossomed into a stunning university student, while I remained a hapless,
acne-ridden aimless high school student. Compared to her, I couldn't help but feel ashamed.

I helped her unpack in her room, and we chatted about what had happened since we last met. She had worked very hard these past few years, consistently
ranking at the top of her class. I, on the other hand, had been busy slacking off... Now she was a student at a national university , about to embark on a vibrant and exciting new life, while I felt like a maggot still wallowing
in the mud . I couldn't help but feel a little dejected.
We chatted as we tidied up. After I finished setting up the mattress, I
turned around and saw my cousin standing on the table, tiptoeing as she stuffed unused luggage into the attic space.
Her beautiful legs swayed in front of me, challenging my self-control. My earlier frustration vanished instantly at
this sight… Because she was on tiptoe, her skirt rode up slightly, and when she pushed forward
, the back of the skirt lifted up a bit,
revealing … I stared at her beautiful legs, unable to resist any longer… What was underneath her skirt?
… A wicked thought crept into my mind… I swallowed hard, finding my mouth incredibly dry. My cousin was still
busy tidying up her clothes, probably unaware of what I was doing!

So I pretended to bend down to tidy up the clutter under the table, slowly shifting my gaze to under her skirt...
My cousin was like a sheep grazing mindlessly, oblivious to the hungry wolf already watching her...
I moved my gaze closer... A youthful body gradually unfolded before me...

I saw a rounded bottom, encased in small white panties. Because she was also wearing
pantyhose, the panties were tucked inside, with some wrinkles around her buttocks, not quite fitting
snugly. Based on my years of voyeuristic experience, the material of her panties should be a nylon blend, because
cotton panties appear thicker and fit better against the skin. Since the stockings she was wearing...
The top was completely transparent, so I could clearly see the color and material of the underwear... But
my good fortune didn't last long; she came downstairs after putting her things down. She had no idea what I had just done, only
noticing my slightly flushed face (and racing heart), and asked, "Wow, so much stuff! You must be tired. Let's
clean up tomorrow!" I smiled at her guiltily, thinking to myself:
I'll find out tonight if my observation was right or wrong.

After watching TV that evening, I, who was usually the first to shower, unusually delayed. Urged by
my mother , I impatiently replied, "I want to watch TV! Let my cousin shower first
!" My cousin smiled at me and went to the back. I didn't shower until she finished.
While everyone was watching TV in the living room, I went to the back balcony and found
a set of women's underwear where I usually hung my underwear—wet!! It was swaying in the breeze, like a blooming night-blooming
cereus ... I carefully took it down and secretly took it to the bathroom...

This was the first time I had seen a girl's intimate item so closely. A pure white, lace-trimmed Japanese-made
bra , size 32A; white nylon-blend panties, a typical student style, without exaggerated
lace or frills, and no special design in the front. But it meant something different to me; it was my
cousin's intimate garment, enveloping her alluring breasts and valleys... I brought it to my nose and inhaled, as if I
could faintly smell my cousin's unique, youthful fragrance. Stimulated by the scent mixed with
soap stood erect. I wrapped him in my cousin's panties,
rubbing back and forth, fantasizing about the youthful body beneath... A wave of dizziness rushed to my head, and I
gushed out... In the bathroom, only thick steam filled the air, accompanied by my heavy breathing
... I splashed some water to wash away the stains on her panties...
My body felt a sense of liberation after release, weak and languid... but inside, I was filled with emptiness and self-reproach...

After my cousin came, I became more obedient, going home on time. My parents thought this was a good "
peaceful evolution." I even asked her questions about my books, and while she answered, I just stared at her blankly,
smiling foolishly, imagining everything under her clothes... the style and color of her underwear... her youthful body
... For a long time, going to the balcony every night to examine her underwear became my daily routine. Besides
the Three Principles of the People and was also filled with my cousin's various kinds of underwear, white, flesh-colored,
pink... Every day I fantasized about her, listening to her soft whispers and silvery laughter...
Then, masturbating in front of her underwear while showering became my daily expectation and
hope ... Life became rosy...

My cousin was a country girl, so she dressed more conservatively. Even her underwear was the same; her
underwear was mainly white and flesh-colored. They were all the girlish type, without lace, low-waisted,
conservative briefs. There was one pink one with an embroidered rose on it, which was probably the most "sexy"
one; There was also a bra with small red and green floral prints... All the bras were back-opening, and there was a white
Wacoal strapless bra with very gorgeous lace, but I rarely saw her wearing it.

Ever since I first saw my cousin's skirt, I have never had the chance to see her up close. I can only
look at her freshly washed underwear and think of her. I look forward to the day when I can see my cousin
wearing these underwear that I am already familiar with and displaying them in front of me.
I waited and waited, and one day, the opportunity finally came.
Memoirs (3): I love my cousin
Tonight is a typical summer night in Taipei. It is hot and humid. Even the evening breeze is
hot. Although there is air conditioning in the house, it is still hard to resist the power of the summer night. With the help of the basin climate
, it rumbles and feels a bit weak. The family went up to the rooftop to cool off.
Although the Taipei sky is usually dark due to severe light pollution, tonight was unusual
; even the Milky Way was faintly visible. It felt like we were back in our childhood, enjoying the cool
summer nights under the pine trees

. The family brewed tea on the rooftop and started chatting. My parents reminisced about our childhood, and when they
mentioned something funny, I laughed heartily, while my cousin smiled shyly. My mother jokingly asked, "Ru,
you can have a boyfriend now that you're in college. Xiao Xiong is still in high school, and I won't allow him to date randomly
!" "Just be careful who you befriend," she replied. "Your mother entrusted you to me, and I think you're grown up now
and should think carefully about your own future." My mother laughed and said, "Unlike Xiaoxiong, who's
always like a child who never grows up." I tickled my mother, and my cousin blushed and smiled slightly, saying, "College studies
are so busy!" and "I don't want to have a boyfriend so early..." Hearing this made me feel
a little strange... Actually, Xiaoxiong has already grown up in some ways!

My cousin wore a blue denim skirt and a beige shirt today.
Based on my experience, denim skirts are one of the easiest to expose. So I deliberately chose a
seat opposite her, got the angle right, and waited for the fish to bite and the lamb to enter. My
cousin kept crossing her legs, a very uncomfortable posture, and had to switch legs frequently. Several times during her
leg-switching, I seemed to catch a glimpse of something, but I wasn't sure. Finally, her legs got tired, and she
sat on a low stool, straightening her legs... She probably didn't know that a seemingly loyal werewolf was
waiting for this opportunity, hoping to catch a glimpse of her rare glimpse under her skirt...

"Shooting star!!" A white light streaked across the sky. In the brief moment my cousin was distracted looking up, her legs forgetting to close
properly, I caught a glimpse of it!!... A familiar pink light shone from under her skirt—
it was that pink embroidered panty!!... The pink, slightly transparent fabric
covered her ample, seemingly bursting-out, mysterious area... As if to let me see
more clearly, she shifted her body slightly, so the entire opening of her skirt faced me, allowing me
an unobstructed view of the boundless spring scenery beneath... I even saw the
embroidered rose... Ah... "Rose, rose, I love you"... I wantonly captured this spring scenery,
trying to remember this enviable, heart-pounding combination... My little brother was also
writhing .

We stayed up too late admiring the moon, and when we went downstairs, everyone was busy showering and going to bed. In front of the bathroom, my mother
said to my cousin, "You've been here so long..."I'll still wash my own clothes, since we have a washing machine at home.
"Don't be so formal, just wash them all together in the laundry basket." My cousin nodded shyly.
I hid in my room, thrilled by this unexpected stroke of luck. After my cousin finished showering, it was my turn. I waited quietly until
everyone was in bed, then secretly went to the balcony to check the laundry basket. I searched for a long time but couldn't find it.
Then I saw that her shirt seemed to have something wrapped inside. I opened it and my heart almost jumped
out of my ... It was her panties... crumpled up and wrapped inside. I hurriedly took it to the bathroom to
check ... It was the panties I had just seen, only now they had been
removed from that beautiful body. It was them, covering my cousin's most alluring and mysterious area, that magnificent
place !!... I brought the panties to my nose and took a deep breath; a strong, youthful scent rushed
into my head... Wow!!...

This is the smell of my cousin's... the strong scent of female hormones tingling my penis, which
was already erect... I examined this most mysterious intimate garment; it
was completely different from the washed underwear I had previously peeked at... It had just been removed from that body, full of
feminine scent, primal hormones that attracted the opposite sex. There were some yellowish-white residues on the panties. I
couldn't resist lightly licking them with the tip of my tongue; they tasted slightly sweet and sour. I thought, this must be the smell of my cousin's genitals
!? I also found a pubic hair, jet black and bouncy, slightly curly... It was
my cousin 's pubic hair!!... I excitedly sniffed and licked the piece of underwear covering her private area,
and finally used it to rub my penis until I ejaculated twice, once on her rose and the other
time on her bra, the right cup... Afterwards, I took a shower, secretly put my underwear back in its place,
and dragged my tired body back to my room to sleep.

Ru's room light was still on; she was probably still studying. Unaware that her unintentional
exposure had stirred a young man's restless sexual desires; unaware that her cousin
had just mentally raped her twice in the bathroom; even less aware that her underwear, to be washed the next day, might still
harbor a particularly vigorous sperm, waiting for the most intimate
contact ; she only knew she had a report to submit tomorrow... She didn't know that in the next room, she had entered
a young man's dream, playing the game of lovemaking with him...

So I began to familiarize myself not only with the color and style of her underwear, but also with her body odor, even
her menstrual cycle. I collected and examined her pubic hair like a hunter collecting fur... I knew her
inner self better than I knew myself... I felt myself becoming increasingly perverted... Every day began with simply
looking forward to the night... ...While looking directly at her, I secretly fantasized, imagining her youthful body beneath her clothes...
guessing the contents, color, and shape of her underwear through the creases when she squatted down...Then, at night
, I would examine the results. I was already addicted to this game; the last vestiges of morality and etiquette in my heart
were disappearing bit by bit with each time my brother ejaculated. In my mind, she was
no longer my cousin, but a woman radiating youthful charm, a
sexual partner with whom I shared my daily trysts...mentally.

As my cousin grew older, her clothing and appearance gradually became more fashionable, and she dressed
more and more beautifully, transforming from a country girl into a city girl. From my "
underwear analysis," I was the first to notice this change. She gradually started wearing high-waisted briefs, some with
lace, some with patterns, and the colors leaned towards green and small floral prints... I was always
thrilled with each new pair of underwear... Then one summer night, nearing autumn, I noticed she was wearing
a pinkish-nude pair of briefs with lace trim and a V-shaped cutout in the front... a
truly sexy pair. The next day, when she came home from school, as I had hoped, she was wearing
that denim skirt, probably with pantyhose to avoid any wardrobe malfunctions. But as soon as she got home, she took off
her pantyhose and went to the living room to watch "Happy 100 Points" in slippers. Only I knew that under that skirt was her
body, covered by a pair of briefs that made me blush... Without the pantyhose to obstruct her view...
my lustful desires were stirring again. I sat diagonally opposite her and noticed that the opening of her skirt faced
the TV directly, making it difficult to see from the side, so she brazenly spread her legs. How could I let
such an opportunity slip by?! So I started brewing Kung Fu tea, and while pretending to pour her tea, I openly
examined the view under her skirt...

Sure enough, it was that sexy panty. A familiar pink light made me dizzy, but this time, there were blurry
black parts peeking through the lace... pubic hair!!... Her genitals were plump and full
, filling the panty. The entire panty seemed to have a life of its own, frequently sending me sexual
signals... The joking on the TV made her laugh like a silver bell, and her face flushed slightly.
Her smile was enchanting ! Her eyes were captivating!
How I longed to pounce on her, tear her shirt, rip off her bra, and strip
her panties... to thrust my scepter into her womb, pumping in and out a hundred or two hundred times, pouring my
holy waters into her mysterious valley!! I wanted to nibble and play with her breasts, to kiss her
entire body, to rub my pubic hair against hers, sparking the flames of life... I wanted to make
my dream a reality

, to fuck her!!

I wanted to fuck her!!

But that was impossible... I didn't have the courage, nor could I completely
abandon reason and morality. Just as lust was burning my whole body red, about to consume me... a strange yet familiar voice suddenly echoed
in my heart , each word reproaching me
. My body was in a fiery inferno on one side, and in a freezing icy abyss on the other... "She is your sister!!"
"If you love her, you shouldn't do anything that might hurt her!!", "You've already possessed
her spiritually, but not physically!!" In this moment of inner turmoil, I ran to take a cold shower!!

Memoirs (4): Lust and the Prison of Love
That year, I took the college entrance exam. Perhaps it was my cousin's excellent tutoring, perhaps it was a miracle
, or perhaps it was the omnipotent God who bestowed upon me magical power, but I actually got into a
private university . My parents were overjoyed and believed it was all thanks to my cousin for bringing about such a huge
change in me; they even bought me a motorcycle as a gift... Of course, my cousin did bring about a change in my
life . For the first time, driven by lust, I began to think about spiritual matters through voyeurism.
The various aspects of love; from a mere bystander, I stepped into
the game of love for the first time in my life. Of course, for someone who had just graduated from high school and didn't know how to care for others or how to control
my emotions, it was a game far too heavy, both for me and for her... Not long after the results were released , I went on a healthy activity

with a few close friends who often masturbated at school (masturbation basically meant hiding under overpasses or staircases to spy on each other!!). We went hiking on Dabajian Mountain. After coming down the mountain, we spent a few days at Sun Moon Lake and met a bunch of girls. There was one named Xiaojie, who was very cute, but not my type. She kept bothering me from the start, which made me a little flattered. I thought I wasn't good-looking and didn't have much luck with girls , but the fact that a girl was "lightly stepping on" me made me regain some confidence. Upon asking, it turned out she quite admired my quiet yet slightly melancholic expression (heaven knows, it was because I had nothing to say , my mind was a complete blank, so I had to keep quiet and pretend to be melancholic; don't they say silence is golden?). During our conversation, it turned out we both got into W University. Driven by curiosity about the opposite sex, and with our best friends egging us on, they paired us up. I thought it was fine; being in the same school would make everything much easier. Even without fish and shrimp, it's fine! At least I'll have company for dances and such in the future!! Several more days passed in laughter and chatter. When it was time to go home, my companions were all reluctant to part, but I felt a sense of anticipation and longing. Because soon I would be able to see my cousin again. On the northbound train, Xiaojie fell asleep on my shoulder. The train rumbled along , and as we got closer to home, my anticipation grew stronger... I wonder what my cousin is doing now??... We can be together every day during summer vacation... My feelings were like those of a wanderer who has been away from home for many years, hoping to see the yellow ribbons . I looked down at Xiaojie; she was sleeping sweetly, a simple, youthful, and lovely girl, with the liveliness and confidence of our generation of young people... Did she know that sitting next to her was a wolf that dared not bite?? Xiaojie frowned slightly, as if dreaming of something, or perhaps answering my question. If I were to commit to her now, and not let my mind wander, perhaps life would be simple and happy, at least it could save me from the entanglement of lust... But I am unwilling to give up so easily; a wandering heart should not stop resting so readily. I have greater ambitions in my heart, which will awaken and stir when darkness falls, dancing to the throbbing drums of adrenaline... I am a wolf, though I yearn for the warmth of human warmth, I do not want a home. I would rather hide in the shadows, a proud wolf, for wolves cannot be tamed. ...For Xiaojie, she was just a comma , definitely not the end. I felt no guilt about it. There were no promises between us; we were just together for pleasure. If it worked out, we parted ways. Who cares?! Even if it did, what is truly permanent these days? My restless hands, however, took advantage of her while she slept, giving her a few playful gropes. "This is what I gained ..." I thought to myself. After exchanging phone numbers and addresses with Xiaojie at the station, I rushed home. My parents weren't there when I entered . I habitually went to the balcony for my long-neglected "clothes inspection." To my surprise , my youthful accessories were missing from the clothes rack. I quickly checked the laundry basket—nothing! Where was my cousin? Had she gone home?... My heart felt like it had been doused with cold water. I huddled in the living room, feeling sullen. Just then, my mother returned. "Xiaoxiong, you're back!" "Yeah! Where's my cousin?" "Xiaoru? ... I got a call from home the day before yesterday. I heard her dad was sick, so she rushed home. That child is quite filial!" I breathed a sigh of relief. I thought she had moved away! Thank goodness she's still home! I chatted with my mom casually, without telling her about Xiaojie. I don't like sharing secrets with others, especially since I haven't really gotten to know Xiaojie yet. If I told her, she'd just ramble on. After dinner, I pretended to have a headache and went to bed. I tossed and turned in bed, unable to sleep, so I sneaked into my cousin's room, quietly opened the wardrobe, pulled out the bottom drawer, and took out all of Ru's underwear, spreading it on the bed. I examined each of my cousin's intimate accessories like I was inspecting a military parade, as if handling antique collectibles; I did collect them, deep in my heart, in a dark and ambiguous corner belonging to my cousin and me. Each piece of underwear tells a story. I can recall its color, style, scent, and even how I wore it like the back of my hand. Recalling all our past encounters, and the first time I saw my cousin in her revealing clothes, I blushed and my heart pounded. I lay down gently, imagining her lying beside me, but strangely, the excitement and passion of the past vanished... replaced by an overwhelming sense of loneliness and self-pity. Did she know that a young man had fallen into her boundless vortex of desire? Tossing and turning, unable to sleep? Ah! Cousin!! Xiaoru!! I thought my desire for my cousin was just a natural reaction to a youthful body, like the women I had spied on before. I didn't know their names, and my spying was probably just an embarrassing incident for them, like a harmless rumor that would soon disappear with the wind; that once they had girlfriends or found better "exposure targets," they could naturally shift their focus. But upon returning home, I was shocked to find that my cousin had quietly . Through fantasies and voyeuristic gazes at my cousin's body, through intimate appreciation, caresses, and masturbation, I seem to have gradually fallen into an inescapable infatuation. A strange feeling, isn't it? Driven by pure physical attraction and stimulation, I stole her private affairs, mastering most of her physiological secrets. But a strange feeling was slowly growing within me. Because of my understanding of her physiology, I became more and more like her man (though that's my own perception; or you could call it masturbation). Beyond physical fantasies and desires , there was a greater yearning for her, something beyond simply possessing her body. I even began to want to explore her inner world, to share her joys and sorrows. I wanted to go beyond just spying on her, merely stealing the secrets of her youth like a thief. I wanted to tell her…

"Xiaoru, I love you!!"

It's hard to believe that I have developed such feelings for my cousin who is two years older than me, especially when
she is not around. Facing all her intimate secrets, I have no sexual impulse or
passion . Deep in my heart, there is a faint pity and pain. It's like seeing the things of an old friend, and
suddenly I realize that she is gone. A pain of parting gnaws at me, and I can't help but shed tears...

The radio at midnight keeps playing that song... Will you still love
me... tomorrow...

I decided to go south to Chiayi to find her the next morning........
Memories of the Past (5): A Beautiful Beginning
Today I specially wore a suit, hoping to dress more maturely. I bought a gift and
felt like I was going to propose marriage. When I got off at the bus stop, I couldn't wait
to walk quickly... Finally, I arrived!! My cousin's big dog started barking. After being away for so long,
the little black dog that used to chase me around in my childhood no longer recognized me. My aunt peeked out, her face beaming:
"Auntie!"
"Xiongzai! Long time no see! Did you have time to come over?"
"I came to Chiayi to visit a classmate, and I heard that Uncle wasn't feeling well, so I came to check on him!"
"It's nothing, just an old ailment, that's how it is when you get old!"
"You and Aru are the same, always so anxious!"
"I also took the opportunity to visit my hometown. It's been so long since I've been back! The roads have changed so much!"
My aunt warmly invited me in to sit down.
"Oh, if you're not in a hurry, you could stay here for a few more days!"
"Okay!"
Uncle also came out; he suffers from gout, what they call an old ailment.
"Uncle, are you feeling any better?"
"I'm fine! It's just that your aunt was too worried. She told Aru, which made her come all the way here..."
"That's because she's so filial!"
I chatted with them, wondering why I didn't see my cousin.
"Ah... my cousin isn't here?"
"She went out with her friend."
"Friend?"
"She said he's a classmate! He lives in Minxiong. He came over this morning for a while, and after lunch, Aru said she wanted to
go for a walk with him. How come? He'll probably be back soon!!"
"Oh..." A pang of jealousy rose in my heart... a classmate!?

Just then, my cousin returned.
"Hey! Xiaoxiong!! What brings you here?"
"I came back to see you, and also to see Uncle. It's been so long!" (Actually, I just came to see you!)
Seeing my cousin's radiant face, my jealousy vanished.
"Wow! Wearing a suit!! You look so much older," my cousin teased. (I'm pretending to look older
for you!!)

...
We chatted until evening. My cousin came upstairs to make my bed. Looking at her slender
back and the outlines of her bra and panties on her back and buttocks as she bent over, I had an
urge to hug her from behind. Lost in thought, my cousin turned around and smiled sweetly at me:
"Why did you think of coming to see your cousin?"
"I missed you when I couldn't see you at home!!" (Really?!)
"Wow! You're even taking advantage of your older sister! I won't take you out to play tomorrow!!"
... Suddenly
,
there was a moment of silence, and we both felt a little awkward.
"Sister, I want to take a shower." "I'll run the hot water for you." (Just like a wife to her husband!)
I tidied my clothes, and as I went downstairs, my cousin relayed from the living room:
"You're a guest, so you can shower first! I've run the water, young master!"
I quickly washed myself in the bathroom, taking the opportunity to survey the layout.
When I came out, my cousin was already waiting outside: "Go to sleep early, I'll take you out to play tomorrow!"
"Okay!"... I pretended to go upstairs, and when I heard the sound of the bathwater running, I tiptoed back
downstairs.

My cousin's bathroom had a vent under the door, and I couldn't resist
the temptation . I cautiously approached the bathroom, like a wolf holding its breath as it neared its prey...
The yellow light from the vent shone through... My cousin should be starting to undress by now!?
I slowly lowered my head... The light shone on my face... At this moment, I must have a devilish face
!?

Through the gap in the vent, I saw my cousin's long, slender legs... My cousin started to undress.
First, she unbuttoned her top and took it off completely, revealing a white lace bra underneath.
Then she took off her sweatpants, revealing a round bottom encased
in small, white panties with red flowers, below which were long, beautiful legs. I swallowed hard, afraid of missing this
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to glimpse my cousin's most mysterious area. My cousin turned around, reached behind her back,
unhooked her bra, and placed it in the laundry basket beside her... Her flawless white back
was fully displayed before me... Why didn't she turn around?... My little brother was already rock hard
... My cousin inserted her fingers into the edge of her underwear and slowly rolled them down her thigh... My
little brother was almost at his limit...

Just then, I suddenly heard my uncle cough!! I was terrified and hurriedly tiptoed
upstairs, my heart pounding wildly. Peeking down, I saw the sound was
coming ... Ugh! Oh no! I no longer had the courage to go downstairs and peek. Anyway,
there's always tomorrow!! But that pair of underwear was one I hadn't seen before; it was probably a new pair he bought!?
I'll steal it and examine it...

Half an hour later, after making sure no one was downstairs, I sneaked down again, went into
the bathroom , and rummaged through the laundry basket for my cousin's recently changed underwear... After searching for a while, a set of
youthful accessories appeared before me. I quickly brought it to my nose and smelled it—it was that familiar scent...
The scent that haunted my dreams, the scent that brought tears to my brother's eyes. I stuffed my panties into my pocket and sneaked
upstairs . Inside, I locked the door and took out the panties—a small white Triumph size M panty with
tiny red floral print. I pulled off my pajama bottoms and panties, held the panties to my nose and inhaled, then lightly licked
the remaining fluid from my cousin's vulva, recalling everything I had just seen… a thick fluid gushed from my brother…
My brother ejaculated. I was at my cousin's house, and we reached orgasm again and again... in my imagination. "

Go knock on my cousin's door!!" A wicked thought arose.

I sneaked downstairs again, approached my cousin's room, and gently turned the doorknob—it wasn't locked! I pushed the door
open saw my cousin wearing a pink nightgown, having kicked off the blankets, her stomach exposed. I lovingly
pulled the blanket up to cover her, but unexpectedly woke her up.
"Oh! Xiaoxiong! Why aren't you asleep yet? It's so late!"
"I...can't sleep."
"What's wrong? Are you not used to sleeping in a different bed?"
"I don't know."
Looking at her tired face, I felt a little sorry for her; my earlier desire had subsided considerably.
"Sister..."
"What is it?"
"Can I kiss you to say goodnight?!"
"You're such a grown woman, still acting like this!"
"Please!"
I saw her noncommittal expression, illuminated by the bedside lamp, and her flushed
face from just waking up, making her look exceptionally shy and endearing... I couldn't resist moving my lips closer. My cousin, seeing that I was
serious , shyly turned her head away, and my lips kissed her cheek.
"Now you can go to sleep! You naughty child, still acting like a spoiled brat even now!"
My cousin made a shy face, and I laughed at my own foolishness... Leaving
my cousin's room, the feeling of fulfillment and excitement was completely different from masturbating.

Because of my joy, I even bit the bedsheet and couldn't sleep all night until dawn...

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Reprinted from a collection of memoirs (complete)

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