The Ultimate Three Kingdoms - You'll Laugh Your Head Off! [Full Version]

1. "Too Loud a Sound" Zhuge Liang was a master of the Eight Arts of Deception, one of which was ventriloquism. One day, Zhuge Liang was discussing matters with Liu Bei in his tent when he suddenly felt the urge to fart. Afraid of being overheard by Liu Bei, he cleverly suggested, "My lord, to lighten the mood, how about I imitate a woodpecker for you?" Liu Bei nodded. Zhuge Liang imitated a woodpecker's call twice, taking the opportunity to fart. Then he asked, "How was it, my lord? Did I imitate it well?" Liu Bei said, "Imitate it again. You farted too loudly just now, I didn't hear it."

2. "Chicken Rib" One day, after Cao Cao and his newly acquired concubine had made love in the bedroom, the concubine was still not satisfied and said, "One more time, one more time." Cao Cao also wanted to, but unfortunately, he was too tired, so he replied, "Chicken tired, chicken tired." Just then, Yang Xiu passed by Cao Cao's bedroom and, thinking that Cao Cao was talking to him, ran out and announced that the code name of this military operation was "Chicken Rib." When Cao Cao found out, he was furious and had Yang Xiu beheaded.

3. "Secret Meeting" One day, Wang Yun invited Liu Bei to his home for drinks. During the meal, Wang Yun's daughter, Diao Chan, was in charge of pouring wine. Liu Bei and Diao Chan exchanged glances and became aroused with desire. When they parted, Diao Chan tapped Liu Bei on the head three times and then left with her hands behind her back. At midnight, Liu Bei entered Wang Yun's house through the back door and arrived at Diao Chan's room. The door opened automatically. Liu Bei walked in and saw two doors. One was labeled "Married," and the other "Unmarried." Liu Bei went through the "Unmarried" door. After walking a short distance, at the end of the corridor, there were two more doors, labeled "Experienced" and "Inexperienced." Liu Bei continued through the "Inexperienced" door. He walked on until he reached the end of the corridor again, where there were two more doors. They were labeled "More than 10 centimeters" and "Less than 10 centimeters." Liu Bei opened the "Less than 10 centimeters" door and stepped onto the street outside...

4. *The Miraculous Remedy*: After giving birth to A Dou, Lady Mi was constantly troubled by his bowel movement problem. She consulted Hua Tuo, the renowned physician. Lady Mi asked, "Divine Physician Hua, my A Dou defecates n times a day. Besides using diapers, is there a better method?" Hua Tuo thought for a moment and replied, "You can raise a few dung beetles."

5. *Each Has Their Own Clever Method*: When Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei were first out in the world, they were captured by their enemies and thrown onto a deserted island in the sea. There was nothing to eat on the island. After three days, their stomachs were empty and they were starving. Zhang Fei said, "Rather than starve to death, we'd rather cut off our penises to fill our bellies." With that, he drew his knife to cut off his own penis. Guan Yu hurriedly stopped them, scolding, "**! Don't rush to cut, knead it first, then cut, there'll be more meat!" At this moment, the two heard Liu Bei groaning beside them. Turning around, they saw Liu Bei masturbating and asked, "Brother, are you still in the mood for this?" Liu Bei looked up and replied, "Idiot! Make some sauce, dip it in and eat it."

6. "Chocolate" It is said that one day, Zhao Yun and Zhang Fei were having sex in the same room. When the woman under Zhao Yun was excited, she turned her head and saw Zhang Fei and the woman under him having sex. She couldn't help but cry. Zhao Yun was puzzled and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woman replied, "I want chocolate too!"

7. "Skiing" It is said that when the three brothers Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei first started out, they were captured by their enemies and locked in a room. It was winter, and it was snowing heavily. At night, the three slept together to keep warm. The next day, the three woke up. Liu Bei, sleeping on the left, said, "I dreamt I was making love." Guan Yu, sleeping on the right, said, "I also dreamt I was making love." Zhang Fei, sleeping in the middle, said, "I dreamt I was skiing!"

8. "The Other Hand" One day, Zhuge Liang said to his generals, "Today each of you must write a paper for me on how to attack Wei. Those who are extremely tired can write it tomorrow." Zhang Bao asked, "Prime Minister, does excessive sexual activity count as physical fatigue?" Zhuge Liang, upon hearing the entire paper, angrily said, "xxx! Can't you write with your other hand?!"

9. "Hurt on Self-Esteem" One day, Liu Bei said to Lady Mi, "Could you tell me when you have an orgasm?" Lady Mi said, "But..." Liu Bei said, "But what?" Lady Mi said, "I'm afraid..." Liu Bei said, "Afraid of what?" Lady Mi said, "You once said that if I made love with another man, you would kill me." Liu Bei: "￥#崱?"

10. "Bedtime Skills" tells the story of Diao Chan, who, in order to turn Dong Zhuo and Lü Bu against each other, seduced both of them. One day, Dong Zhuo and Lü Bu were drinking together. Dong Zhuo said, "I did 'that' with Diao Chan the day before yesterday. Her skills in bed are really good, much better than my wife." Lü Bu replied, "To be honest, I did 'that' with Diao Chan yesterday too. Indeed, her skills in bed are much better than your wife's!"

11. "Everyone Says So" tells the story of Liu Bei having a maid. One day, Lady Mi wanted to dismiss the maid. The maid angrily said, "I know why you want to dismiss me, because you're jealous that I'm more sexy and beautiful than you!" Lady Mi asked, "Who said that?" The maid replied, "Liu Bei. You must also be jealous that my skills in bed are better!" Lady Mi asked, "Who said that?" The maid replied, "Liu Bei, Zhao Yun, Zhang Fei, Guan Yu… everyone says so!"

12. "Chest Muscles" tells the story of Liu Bei inspecting the military camp one day. Liu Bei said, "Greetings, soldiers!" The soldiers greeted, "Greetings, Commander!" Liu Bei patted the chest of a soldier beside him and praised, "Look at those pectoral muscles, so well-developed!" The soldier replied, "Reporting, Commander, I am a female soldier!"

13. "The Massager" One day, Zhuge Liang was taking a midday nap in his room when Lady Mi suddenly entered. Lady Mi said, "Um... Kong... Kongming, um... did you... invent... a... massager? Um..." Zhuge Liang said, "Yes!" Lady Mi said, "Um... is it... um... um... flesh-colored... um... that can rotate? Um..." Zhuge Liang said impatiently, "Yes! What do you want?!" Lady Mi swallowed and said, "Um... then... um... may I ask... um... how can I... um... turn it off... and take it out?" 14. "

Truly the Eldest Brother" The story goes that when Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei were first out in the world, they were captured by their enemies and thrown onto a deserted island in the sea. They spent several months on the island when one day a woman drifted ashore. The three were overjoyed, finally able to satisfy their sexual needs. All three wanted to have sex with her, but to be fair, they decided to take turns, each only allowed four thrusts before the next person took their turn. Zhang Fei, inexperienced, went first, counting "1, 2, 3, 4," and after four thrusts, let Guan Yu have his turn. Guan Yu, being a bit smarter, reluctantly finished after counting "1, 2, 3, 4," letting Liu Bei have his turn. Liu Bei then calmly counted, "1, 2, 3, 4, 2, 2, 3, 4, 3 ...

15. *Scraping the Bone to Remove Poison* The story goes that Guan Yu was shot in the arm by a poisoned arrow. Hua Tuo scraped the bone to remove the poison. Guan Yu asked Hua Tuo, "Doctor, will this injury affect my sex life?" Hua Tuo thought for a moment and said, "Well, that depends on which hand you usually use."

16. *A Dou's Diary* When A Dou was young, one day he asked Liu Bei, "Dad, where did I come from?" Liu Bei thought he shouldn't let the child know questions he shouldn't know, so he answered, "You fell from the sky." That night, A Dou wrote in his diary: Dad and Mom don't have sex.

17. *Ominous Sign* A few days before Dian Wei died in Wancheng saving Cao Cao, Xun Yu said to him, "Wei, you must be careful recently, there might be bloodshed, because you carry an ominous sign!" "After Dian Wei died, his ghost found Xun Yu and cursed, 'What nonsense are you spouting? You said I'd have a bloody disaster if I wore a bra? I took off my bra before going to Wancheng, and I still died!'"

18. "A Little Cold" It is said that Zhang Fei got married. Zhang Fei was rather silly and didn't understand how to make love, so he went to ask Zhuge Liang. Zhuge Liang thought, "If I explain it too deeply, he won't understand; if I explain it too simply, I'll seem too vulgar. What should I do?" At this moment, two horses were mating by the river. Zhuge Liang's eyes lit up. He had an idea and said to Zhang Fei, "Did you see those two horses? Did you see what they were doing? Go back and do it like that." Zhang Fei went back. A few days later, Zhuge Liang saw Zhang Fei and asked, "Yide, how is your sex life?" Zhang Fei replied, "It's good, but..." Zhuge Liang said, "But what?" Zhang Fei said, "It's just that sometimes it's too cold by the river, and there are people peeping." "

19. The "Head" Generation: It is said that Zhang Fei had two sons. According to the family genealogy, these two sons should be of the "Head" generation, and their names must contain the character "Head". Zhang Fei was a rough man, so he just named his sons casually. The eldest son was called "Your Mother's Head" and the second son was called "Turtle Head". One day, Zhang Fei's second son didn't come home very late, and he was very worried. So he went to Zhuge Liang and said, "Strategist, strategist, my glans is gone!" Zhuge Liang asked in confusion, "Hmm? How big is your glans?" Zhang Fei replied, "A little smaller than your mother's head!"

20. "Moving House" It is said that Dian Wei had a woman who loved him very much. After he died in battle, the woman took his penis home, made a hole in the wall, and inserted it. Every night she would caress it. Xiahou Xun, Xiahou Yuan, Cao Ren, and Cao Hong learned of this and secretly went to the next wall, took Dian Wei's penis, and inserted their own. Then the woman would caress them every night. To be fair, Xiahou Xun, Xiahou Yuan, Cao Ren, and Cao Hong took turns each day. One day, it was Xiahou Yuan's turn. After he inserted his penis, the woman came over, took out a knife, and cut off his penis with one stroke, saying, "Wei, we're moving house." 21. The story of "

Scaring the Child" tells of how one day, Liu Bei returned home from hunting and found his wife naked on the bed, breathing heavily. He asked what was wrong. His wife replied, "I suddenly had a heart attack, so I took off all my clothes because I was so hot." Liu Bei was very worried and was about to run out to find a doctor when he saw his son, A Dou, standing trembling at the door. He asked what was wrong. A Dou said, "How terrifying! There's someone naked hiding behind the cupboard!" "Liu Bei ran behind the cabinet and saw that there was indeed a naked person standing behind the cabinet. It was Zhang Fei. Liu Bei was furious and said, 'You bastard! We are like brothers, I treat you like my own brother... My wife had a heart attack, and you didn't help her. Instead, you stood here scaring my son!'"

22. "Scraping the Bone to Remove Poison" (2) It is said that Guan Yu's arm was shot by a poisoned arrow. Hua Tuo scraped the bone to remove the poison. Guan Yu asked Hua Tuo, "Doctor, how likely is this operation to succeed?" Hua Tuo said, "I have performed the same operation 99 times." Guan Yu said, "Then I am relieved. I believe you will succeed." Hua Tuo said, "Thank you, thank you! I think I should succeed once!"

23. "The Stable" When Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei first started to conquer the world, they needed to recruit soldiers and buy horses. They bought a lot of horses, so the three of them built a large cage and put all the horses inside. The next day, the three men found that all the horses had escaped from their cages, so they decided to increase the cage height from 5 feet to 10 feet. The third day, they found the horses had escaped again, so they decided to increase the cage height to 20 feet. Then, the three men went back to sleep. At this time, one horse asked another horse, "Do you think this bastard will increase the cage height again?" The latter replied, "It's hard to say! If they keep forgetting to close the gate."

24. "Discussing Heroes Over Wine" It is said that Cao Cao and Liu Bei discussed heroes over wine. The two ate, drank, and talked. At this moment, the soldier serving the dishes brought them up, and Liu Bei noticed that his thumb was stuck in the dish. He angrily said, "Damn it! What are you doing?!" The soldier hurriedly explained, "My thumb is injured, and the army doctor said I need to keep it warm." Liu Bei scolded again, "Damn it! If you want to keep it warm, why don't you stick your thumb in your anus?!" The soldier replied, "When I'm not serving the dishes, my thumb is in my anus."

25. "Scraping the Bone to Remove Poison" (3) It is said that Guan Yu's arm was hit by a poisoned arrow. Hua Tuo scraped the bone to remove the poison. Guan Yu suddenly ran away. Liu Bei saw this and asked Guan Yu, "Why are you running away?" Guan Yu said, "Just now, Hua Tuo's apprentice said, 'Be brave! Don't be afraid! This surgery is very easy!'" Liu Bei: "If it's easy, what are you afraid of?" Guan Yu said, "But this was said by Hua Tuo's apprentice to Hua Tuo, brother!" 26. The *Biography of Xiahou Jun *

recounts that during the Battle of Pei City, Cao Cao shot Xiahou Jun in the eye. He pulled out the arrow, ate his own eyeball, and cried out, "My father's essence and my mother's blood, they cannot be discarded!" From then on, Xiahou Jun frequently ate human flesh, becoming addicted. Later, Xiahou Jun had a son who, due to heredity, also enjoyed eating human flesh. One day, the father and son went out to hunt for food. They hid in a tree by the roadside, waiting to capture passersby to eat. A thin man walked by, and the son said, "Want to eat this?" Xiahou Jun replied, "Too thin, not tasty!" After a while, a fat man walked by, and the son said, "Want to eat this?" Xiahou Jun said, "Fat men have high cholesterol, not tasty!" After a while, a beautiful woman walked by, and before his son could speak, Xiahou Jun hurriedly said, "This one is good, catch her and cook her for your mother!"
27. "Xu Chu Fights Ma Chao Naked" It is said that Cao Cao and Ma Chao were fighting on the Wei River. Ma Chao challenged Cao Cao, and Xu Chu, one of Cao Cao's generals, rushed out to fight him. The two fought fiercely, and after many rounds, no one could be determined to win. Xu Chu got hot and took off his armor and shirt to fight Ma Chao again. Ma Chao saw this, was stunned, and then his eyes lit up and he said: "I didn't expect that you, Tiger Fool, also like this brand of bar."

28. "Scraping the Bone to Remove Poison" (4) It is said that Guan Yu's arm was hit by a poisoned arrow. Hua Tuo scraped the bone to remove the poison. Hua Tuo comforted Guan Yu and said: "Don't be afraid, it won't hurt at all, it will be fine in a while..." Guan Yu interrupted: "Hehe! Don't say that, I used to be a doctor for two years!"

29. "Scraping the Bone to Remove Poison" (5) It is said that Guan Yu's arm was hit by a poisoned arrow. Hua Tuo scraped the bone to remove the poison. When Hua Tuo took out his knife, Guan Yu was frightened and wouldn't let Hua Tuo use it. So, Hua Tuo had someone pour Guan Yu a cup of wine. After drinking it, he asked Guan Yu, "Do you have courage now? Are you still afraid?" Guan Yu replied, "I'm still a little afraid." So, Hua Tuo gave Guan Yu another cup of wine. Guan Yu was still afraid. This went on for dozens of cups. Hua Tuo then asked, "Are you full of courage now?" Guan Yu raised his head high, jumped onto the table, and shouted, "I'd like to see who dares to touch my arm!!"

30. "There Are Many Fierce Generals" It is said that Cao Cao and other warlords once joined forces to fight against Dong Zhuo. They were eating together when Kong Rong, the governor of Beihai, took out a box of pears and distributed them to everyone. He threw the remaining pears out the window. Liu Bei saw this and asked, "Isn't that a pity?" Kong Rong replied, "It's alright, we have plenty of pears there!" After a while, Yuan Shao took out a box of gold and distributed one piece to each person, throwing the rest out the window. Seeing this, Liu Bei asked, "Isn't that a pity?" Yuan Shao replied, "It's alright, we have plenty of gold there!" Liu Bei lowered his head, thought for a moment, stood up, and without saying a word, threw Zhang Fei out the window.

31. "The Dentist": After Hua Tuo treated Guan Yu by scraping his bone to remove poison, he became a dentist. One day, Guan Yu came to Hua Tuo's residence again, and upon entering, he pulled down his pants, revealing his genitals. Hua Tuo hurriedly said, "I'm sorry, Boss Guan, I've recently changed careers to dentistry, I don't treat these things anymore." Guan Yu said with a pained expression, "I know, I know, but... but there's a tooth embedded in there!"i=13>32. "It's Your Turn" The story goes that Ma Chao, seeking revenge for his father's death, attacked Cao Cao. Cao Cao suffered a crushing defeat against Ma Chao at the Battle of Tong Pass and fled in panic. Ma Chao pursued him relentlessly. Cao Cao, in his pursuit, took off his long robe and cut off his long beard. The two men, one running ahead and the other chasing behind, were eventually caught by Ma Chao. Despairing, Cao Cao dismounted and knelt helplessly on the ground, awaiting Ma Chao's judgment. Ma Chao laughed loudly several times and said, "Hahahaha! I finally caught you! Alright, now it's your turn to catch me. Don't peek!"

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The Ultimate Three Kingdoms - You'll Laugh Your Head Off! [Full Version]

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