Friends with benefits or lovers?

The first time I went to her house, it was a bit messy, which showed she was a very easygoing woman, which suited her personality. I really enjoyed making love at her house, sleeping in her bed; it had a certain indescribable feeling. As usual, we made love at night, then again in the morning, then took the bus back to class. After some time, she transferred back to our city. We were both happy; finally, seeing each other wouldn't be so troublesome. Once, she asked me, "What do you consider me?" I replied with two words, "Family." This was what I truly felt. Having known her for so long, my feelings for her had deepened, and I had even considered spending my life with her. But the thought of my friends, classmates, family, and relatives finding out about this made me give up on that idea. Therefore, I felt that the word "family" best described our relationship, and I genuinely cared for her. When she received this, she was very happy and sent me several emojis, saying that she also considered me family, one of her own. After that, we maintained this kind of relationship. Many times, we talked about ourselves, and I said, "What do you think our relationship is? Friends with benefits or lovers?" She slapped me, saying, "You heartless bastard, you dare say friends with benefits?" "Then what is our relationship?" I asked. She said, "Our relationship isn't boyfriend and girlfriend; it's affection, it's kinship, and it's love." I agreed. Actually, we were a couple who cherished each other, a couple who understood each other, but we both tacitly lacked the courage to be boyfriend and girlfriend. During this time, she even asked me on WeChat, saying she wanted a child and asking what I thought. I had never thought about this question because I knew what a child meant, and the consequences would be hard for me to bear. I just brushed it off, and she was probably a little hurt, because she didn't reply. Because she was busy, I was the one who suggested our dates; she was indeed busy and couldn't always keep them. Because if she's busy, her libido isn't high, she's not very wet, and penetration hurts. But one time, around 8 pm, when the sun was rising in the west, she had just finished a social engagement and had been drinking. She called me: "I want to sleep with you tonight." I immediately went out—took a taxi—and booked a hotel. Honestly, that night was the most lewd night I've ever had. She was very proactive; as soon as she came in, she hugged me and kissed me, her tongue slipping inside, even though she smelled strongly of alcohol. I didn't refuse. I told her to take a shower, but she wouldn't. What could I do? I just stripped her naked and let her fuck me. Goodness, when she took off her underwear, she was all wet and muddy. Because of the alcohol, she moaned without restraint, without any regard for propriety. She moaned with every thrust. Luckily, the hotel was soundproof, or we would have been reported. We did it from behind on the sofa by the window. We did it from behind standing in front of the mirror. We used every position imaginable. That night, she made me go soft; it was the first time I'd ever been subdued by a woman. Later, through role-playing, acting as mother and son, I got hard again. That night, besides the sex that left a deep impression on me, there was something she said to me that I still can't forget. Well, it was probably the truth she spoke after drinking. She said, "You said you're going to take the postgraduate entrance exam, to a school in Beijing. You're going to soar high. Although I'm very reluctant to let you go, I truly care about you. I can't keep you by my side." Hearing this, I felt a pang of sadness. In the latter half of 2019, we kept in touch and dated. She gave me oral sex at her house, in hotels, and even in a park. During this time, she even suggested I just stay with her, that we live together. Maybe she was sincere, or maybe she was joking. At this point, I was actually ready to live with her, not caring about her past, but reality was impossible. This wasn't Beijing or Shanghai, not New York or Paris. In a prefecture-level city in Zhejiang, a couple like this would attract strange looks from everyone. We couldn't withstand this societal pressure. During this time, other girls were interested in me, but I rejected them all. At the end of the year, after our last time having sex, we parted ways. We were counting down the days until we'd see each other again right after the New Year. The pandemic forced us to miss each other. But during this time, my feelings for her deepened. Once, she asked me what size underwear I wore and offered to buy her a few pairs. I kept putting it off, but she insisted. (Honestly, she earns a high income, while I'm just a student with little money. If I paid for meals, she'd get angry and say she wouldn't go out with me anymore. She'd give me clothes and buy me desserts. But I never wanted anything from her, and I'm a very loyal person; I always reciprocate kindness.) I told her, "You've tried so many sizes, don't you know your size?" "Then L," she replied, sending a few more messages. A few pairs of underwear, not worth much, but this woman—I didn't ask her to be my girlfriend, we're not even related—though she thought of me. I was very grateful and touched. Once, she said again, "I bought a house, I'm going to be a mortgage slave, you'll support me from now on." Her income was indeed quite high, but she also had her difficulties. She was over 40, no longer young, with no one to rely on, and no competition in the marriage market. Men of similar ability could find attractive menopausal women, but she didn't consider those weaker than her. She struggled alone, never meeting the right person, and she feared that no one would care for her or keep her company in her old age. She once said that when she was old, she wanted me to cook her very soft and sticky porridge, and to bathe her and wash her bottom every day. Thinking of this, my heart ached with pity. I was moved; I resolved to take care of her. I couldn't let someone so good to me be destitute in her old age, but I was just a student.I couldn't make her a promise, not because I was afraid, but because I was afraid I couldn't keep it and she would get hurt. During the pandemic, she said she wanted to live with me, reminiscing about our time in Anhui, which was wonderful. She said, "What if we're in this situation after you graduate?" I said, "I won't leave Zhejiang." "Then you'll have to leave City A." I said I might stay in Hangzhou, or I might stay in City A, but I won't leave you; you'll always be in my heart. (I've already deleted these chat logs, but I remember every single word clearly.) By this time, I had already chosen universities within my province as my target for postgraduate entrance exams. The first reason was the difficulty of getting into universities in Beijing; the second was that I couldn't live without her and wanted to stay by her side. I didn't tell her the second reason because I didn't want her to feel burdened. In 2020, I didn't do much—preparing for the postgraduate entrance exam and having sex with her. The university was under lockdown, making it inconvenient to go in and out, and studying was also important. So we didn't meet up very often. We most often met at her house. I loved sneaking into her house one afternoon, where we would enjoy each other's company, cuddle together, and after a satisfying encounter, return to school to continue studying. This satisfied both of our desires. It didn't interfere with my studies. Then one time, her mother came home halfway through her journey, which terrified me. I panicked and hid in the bathroom like a defeated soldier. She quickly sent her mother away. I'll always remember that scene: she was standing by the window in her underwear and a short-sleeved shirt, peeking out and calling to her mother what she was doing, trying to get her away so I could slip away. She didn't look like a woman in her forties at all; she looked more like a young girl. Oh, and there was another incident during this time. One time, after we made love, she didn't get her period, and I got a little worried. She said, "If you're pregnant, you're pregnant. Do you want me to abort it?" "I still insisted she buy a pregnancy test. The test was normal, but she didn't get her period for two months, which raised concerns. I had her get tested at the hospital, and the doctor said she had a hormone problem, I forget what her progesterone levels were. She's older now and might not be able to get pregnant. This terrified her. She said she'd have a child with me once she recovered. She's brought it up many times, but I haven't agreed. I really don't dare marry her. If the child is born and doesn't see its father, that would be irresponsible of me. Having a child with her would be unfair to the child. Not having one with her would be unfair to her. I told her, 'If you never get married, I won't either. I won't let you be lonely forever. I'll take care of you in your old age, I'll support you.' After going home, I felt increasingly sorry for her, and at the same time, I felt very guilty. I really love her, but I can't give her what she wants. I said, 'I feel ashamed.' She said, 'It's not your fault.'" "She must have been very disappointed then. In the second half of 2020, we stayed in touch, and our relationship only grew stronger. November 15, 2020, was our last date. I was in the final sprint for my postgraduate entrance exam, so I went into seclusion to study, only exchanging WeChat greetings; we didn't date again. On December 28, 2020, after my exam, I immediately went to see her. She said she had a blind date, introduced by a friend, who seemed very honest, and they were starting a relationship. I was devastated; I felt dizzy. I was going to lose her, I was going to lose this woman, the woman who loved me, the woman I loved. I didn't eat dinner that night; I was very hungry, but I really couldn't eat. " After returning home, I thought about it all night, going through a night of internal struggle. I regretted not responding to her previous proposals about marriage and having children. But compared to losing her, what did society's opinion matter? I had the courage to drop everything and marry her. So I contacted her, but she thought it was a joke and didn't agree. We still went on a date afterward; she picked me up. On the way there and in bed, she kept trying to reason with me. She said we couldn't be together, it wasn't realistic. She said being with me would be a burden; ten years from now, she'd be in her fifties and I in my thirties, and I wouldn't be able to stand her. I said, "I won't. I'll never change my mind." I questioned her, "When you repeatedly said you wanted to marry me and be with me, were those just tests, jokes, or were you sincere?" She said, "It was sincere, but it was just a hope. I can't hold you back. Go fly away; I'll always be good to you." "She also said that things had changed between us, or perhaps nothing had changed, and that she was still good to me. But I still can't accept this reality. Actually, that guy wasn't anything special; he ran a small business and had a family. It was because he was honest and good to her that I couldn't continue writing this. It feels like a knife is scraping my heart. Later, on January 6th, 2021, we met up again. That time, she said I was immature and so on. I was heartbroken. Before, I contacted her every day to try and win her back, but I gave up. For the next few days, she would occasionally check in on me, scolding me for not telling her I was coming home. Then, gradually, I lost contact with her. Finally, I missed her and went to see her, but she didn't reply. The next day, she said, 'It's inconvenient; I was at his house last night.'" "We talked on the phone for an hour this afternoon; she cried, and I cried too. I deleted her WeChat and her number before the New Year. This is our story over the past two years, and I still can't let go. I hate her; I can't understand why, if she truly loved me, she could be with someone else so quickly. I also hate myself; if I had had the courage then, I wouldn't have lost her now. Women over 30 are truly mature, truly devoted, truly ruthless, truly don't spend your money, truly willing to give and truly able to take it all back at any time. I want to be good to her, but she tells me to fly away... But without her, where can I fly to? Where can I land? [The End]"

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Friends with benefits or lovers?

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