Childhood voyeurism

I was born in a remote mountain village in northern Shaanxi in the 1970s. In those days, the most fashionable clothing in our rural northern Shaanxi was the dudou (a type of bellyband). In childhood, regardless of whether you were a boy or a girl, your parents would sew you a small red dudou. Later, generally only girls wore them. Wearing a dudou as a child, covering from the chest to the navel and tied at the back, tight and warm, became my warmest childhood memory. However, one event forever rewrote my memory, turning my most cherished dudou sentiment into the darkest memory of my life. That year I was 15 years old, and the summer in northern Shaanxi was unusually hot and humid. After months of drought, a rare downpour suddenly fell, and the long-dried riverbed in front of my house began to flow again. One evening, after dinner, I took a walk along the small river in front of my house. At a bend in the riverbed, something red caught my eye. It was Zhao Zhuang's wife from the village taking a bath. She was only wearing a pair of shorts and a red bodice. The red bodice accentuated her fair, voluptuous body, like a burning flame, stirring my primal urges. I felt a surge of heat rush to my head, my body swelling as if it were about to explode. I tiptoed closer to the river bend, quietly hiding under an earthen embankment, and dazedly reached my hand into my crotch... Suddenly, a low shout reached my ears: "Who's there?" Immediately, Zhao Zhuang's wife slapped me twice: "What are you looking at, you little rascal!" "At that moment, I covered my burning cheeks with my hands, my vision blurred with stars… I was filled with shame and remorse, my mind a complete mess, so much so that I didn't even know how Sister-in-law Zhao Zhuang left. From then on, I resolved to forget Sister-in-law Zhao Zhuang's red undergarment and her fair, voluptuous body completely. I never mentioned this to anyone; it became an absolute secret in my heart, until many years later, when I was admitted to university and assigned to Xi'an. On my wedding night, after the guests had left, I was exceptionally excited. My wife, Lin Shan, lay beside me. Looking at her bright, sparkling eyes and delicate cherry lips, I couldn't resist lowering my head to kiss her… When I lifted her nightgown, my eyes widened in shock. Lin Shan was also wearing a red undergarment. In an instant, my head pounded, the two resounding slaps from years ago seemed to echo again, and my vision blurred with stars once more…" Seeing my surprised expression, Lin Shan assumed I liked the red bellyband. She excitedly said, "I grew up wearing a bellyband. After starting high school, I had to move to a dormitory, and I was afraid my classmates would laugh at me, so I switched to wearing a bra. This time, my mother said girls should wear a bellyband when they get married, and she even made one for me herself. I didn't expect you to be so fond of it!" "No, oh, yes, yes..." I stammered, unsure whether to deny it or admit it. I desperately tried to hide my secret, and at the same time, the desire for my wife's body that had surged within me vanished instantly. After that, no matter how much Lin Shan teased me, I was completely unable to perform. Our first night ended unhappily because of the shadow of that damned red bellyband. My wife, Lin Shan, didn't know the real reason for my "impotence," and I was unwilling to tell her this secret I had buried for so many years. At first, Lin Shan would always considerately comfort me, saying, "Are you too tired? Let's try again next time!" "I felt guilty and wanted to overcome my psychological barrier regarding the red bellyband, but every time I was intimate with my wife, seeing her wearing that red bellyband would involuntarily remind me of what happened a few years ago, and the two resounding slaps from Zhao Zhuang's sister-in-law. This made me lose all sexual interest and desire. Half a month passed, and Lin Shan began to doubt whether I was truly impotent. I, on the other hand, felt deeply confused and guilty. How could I face my wife like this? I finally decided to see a psychologist. Under the psychologist's guidance, I revealed my secret to my wife. After learning the truth, my wife not only took off the red bellyband but also gently comforted me, saying, 'That was all in my childhood, and you only saw it by chance back then.'" "Sister-in-law Zhao Zhuang's actions only prove her recklessness..." Finally, she suggested we go back to the countryside together. It was a clear, moonlit night, and Lin Shan and I were walking along the small river in our hometown. When we were almost at that familiar bend, Lin Shan told me to stop, and she ran to the bend first. I didn't know what she was up to, so I continued walking along the river. The river in our hometown was dry again, and compared to that night a few years ago, the "gurgling" sound of flowing water was gone. Then, I saw "Sister-in-law Zhao Zhuang" again, the one I dared not recall. She was still wearing that red bodice that filled me with primal desire, still had that fair, voluptuous body... Only this time, she didn't slap me twice; instead, she reached out her gentle hands to me... I knew this was my wife, Lin Shan. So, I gently removed her red bodice, and we embraced, lingering on the grass by the river... After a while, my wife and I lay on the grass, watching the stars twinkle in the sky. The moon was especially round that night. Seeing my languid posture, Lin Shan, with a shy yet satisfied expression, stroked my hand and said, "You're so reckless! You hurt me without even caring..." I looked down and saw specks of crimson blood on her white dress. We had finally happily completed our first night together. This beautiful night would forever replace that once shameful and gray memory. After returning to Xi'an, my wife Lin Shan and I lived a happy and harmonious life. And deep in my heart, I will forever be grateful to my resourceful and beautiful wife.

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