I shouldn't have loved you

We arrived in a small town with only one main street and one hotel.
You booked a room with a double bed, patted the mattress, and said, "That's enough for the two of us."
We spent the night there, just the two of us in one bed.
You bought a bottle of red wine and sandwiches to eat in the room; we hadn't eaten much all day and were starving. I ate slowly, and when you finished, you took my hand, looked at me, and didn't want to be apart from me for a moment.
I kept my head down, not daring to look at you, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw you seem about to speak, but the words stuck in my throat.
After dinner, I wanted to take a hot bath. Closing my eyes, I soaked in the steaming water, and a chill ran through me.
I realized this was a situation where a man and a woman were alone: no longer a pure father and daughter traveling together, but rather, it seemed like a pair of lovesick lovers having an affair. You were a married man, and I was your daughter; you wanted to make me your lover.
Going with you before even understanding what was happening meant that I was putting myself on the edge of danger, testing our resolve.
I hope it's just a dream, and that when I wake up tomorrow, nothing has happened. I can't lock myself in the bathroom all night; I have to muster the courage to go out and face you. I wrapped myself in a towel and emerged from the misty steam.
You were sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for me, and stood up immediately when I came out. I went around to the dressing table on the other side of the bed and sat down. You came closer and stood behind me.
"Let me dry your hair."
"Your hair is just like your mother's, dark and smooth."
"Really?"
"People say that first love is the most beautiful, but sometimes the most painful. You look just like her back then, when we were deeply in love."
"I said, you two were deeply in love, otherwise you wouldn't have gotten married." "That was youthful love, the kind of love that's too superficial. I don't know what I need." You looked at me in the mirror, and I looked at you in the mirror. My hair was dried and draped over my shoulders. You placed your hands on my bare shoulders, and I turned to look up at him, saying, "I'm scared. I came with you, not knowing what would happen."
"I won't hurt you."
"I feel like things are happening too fast, I haven't had time to process it. There are so many things I don't understand, I want to figure them out."
"That's how love is, it's irrational. I'm so happy you're finally willing to face me, you'll understand how strong my love for you is. Zuer, this is a matter of your and my lifelong happiness. It's in your hands now, please accept me, let me love you." "
But, you're my father, how can I be in a relationship with you?" I said.
"This is between the two of us. I admit it's not something most people would dare to do, but as long as we're both happy, nothing is impossible. I believe we're the only fathers and daughters in the world who love each other so deeply. Greek mythology is full of beautiful stories of fathers and daughters in love, and the Bible also tells of daughters marrying their fathers. Let's cherish today and each other.
Ah! If I lost you, I would have nothing."
"Actually, I'm nothing special. I never imagined you would see me as a lover." "Zu'er, you're special. Among all the girls in the world, you're the special one, made just for me. Ever since you caught my eye, I've fallen in love with you uncontrollably. Your youthful vitality has rekindled my fighting spirit. You attract me, making me yearn for you. My love for you is like a raging torrent, drawing me into your life. So, I've decided I won't let my life wither away any longer. I've never been so captivated by a woman before. I'm addicted, I want to see you more. You've rekindled my love, making me reaffirm my love, all because of you."
"But love doesn't have to be like this. Isn't family love also love? I can move into your house and live with you, spending every day with you. Isn't that the same? Can't we not talk about these things?" "Can I stop having those kinds of thoughts about you that others might consider improper? No, because I'm a man! Your charm is irresistible. That day, I saw you with that boy, and I actually saw him as a rival, I was jealous of him. I can't bear the thought that one day you'll be in someone else's arms."
"What if Mom suspects me and finds out? How will you explain it to her?" "We can't let her know, because she won't be able to handle it. I need to find a way to deal with her. We can immigrate to a foreign country, to a country where no one knows us, where no one will stop us from loving each other.
I heard that in Mexico, you can get a marriage certificate if you pay. If we don't get married, we can live together. We have the same surname, and people will say we're husband and wife, and no one will suspect us." At this point, your voice softened. A warm family picture vividly appeared before my eyes. We'll be husband and wife, have children, and live happily ever after. Can you promise me this stable family life?
We both fell silent. You pulled me close, brushed my long hair aside, and gently kissed my ear and neck.
"Your hair is dry. We came out early today and we're both tired. Let's go to bed and rest. We have a whole day to talk tomorrow."
You took my hand, led me to the bed, and let me sit down, stroking my face and the back of my neck. In silence, we faced each other, exchanging unfinished words with our eyes. His breath was near my ear, and his hesitant lips gradually approached.
I pulled away and burrowed under the covers.
"I'm going to sleep now," I said.
You didn't press further. You took a sip of red wine, raised your glass, and asked if I wanted to try some. I shook my head, and you drank it all in one gulp, then the aroma of red wine wafted over me. Suddenly, you pulled me close and kissed me deeply on the lips. The taste of wine on your breath lingered between my teeth and cheeks; your kiss made me feel intoxicated.
You pulled back the sheet, slipped into my blanket, and nestled beside me, our bodies pressed close, skin rubbing against skin.
You pinched my nipples and caressed my breasts. Just as you were about to remove the towel from my body, I pushed you away and said, "Don't do this."
"Zu'er, are you going to sleep wrapped in a towel?"
I was filled with shame and didn't know how to answer.
"What do you want? I've never been kissed like this before."
"Zu'er, I've kissed many girls, but never with such passion. If it were hellfire, I'd jump in."
"I don't want to do anything I'll regret. Give me some time to think things through, to accept you. I can't immediately consider you my…my lover…"
"Zu'er, I understand. Today is just the beginning, isn't it?" "Yes, I hope it's a good beginning."
"Tonight, with you sleeping beside me, I feel like the happiest person." "I'm sorry, I spoiled your fun."
"I should apologize."
"Thank you."
"Thank me for what?"
"Thank you for telling me you love me."
I felt like I owed you something, or perhaps, to express my gratitude for your thoughtfulness, I offered you a kiss. We kissed for a long time; your kiss was unconditional, only giving. You kissed me until you felt I had given enough love, kissed enough, before letting go.
"I should thank you; you gave me the chance to love you."
"Dad, goodnight." I haven't said goodnight to you in a long time. I turned over, untied the large bath towel from under the sheets, threw it on the floor, and fell asleep with my back to you.
We slept in a "north" position. I think, sharing a bed with you, this is the most suitable position!
We were actually naked, sleeping intimately in the same bed. If someone had walked in and seen us like this, they would have imagined the worst. However, we really kept to propriety; we were father and daughter, just sleeping together naked.
I was getting more and more confused. The questions he had placed on me were swirling in my mind: What is love?
Are we in love? I've never been in love; my understanding of love comes from romance novels written for teenage girls.
It seems I've been drawn to you against my will, kissing you like lovers, naked together. If this continues, there's no turning back.
Frankly, if I were to find a husband, I'd want someone like a father figure—that's a girl's earliest standard for a partner. Further on, a more intimate physical relationship with you is inevitable. Novels and movies say that when a girl is in love with a man, she…she’ll have sex. I dared
not think further; it was too shameful.
When a man tells a girl he loves her, he's always thinking about getting her body. But I believe love isn't just about sex. If I'm going to have sex with a man, I need to be sure he truly loves me.
The same goes for you. You say you love me, you're my father, and I believe you. But I need to figure out if you love me or just my body. Tonight you can force yourself on me, take my body, and I'll comply.
Clearly, you're not just seeking momentary pleasure, but genuinely want to love me. I'm sleeping naked next to you now, and I don't feel scared; instead, I feel safe. You didn't force me; you waited for me to willingly give you my body, even though it's your flesh and blood, given to me by you.
"Jay, is that a suitable way to address you? My heart is pounding when I call your name. My heart is open to you. You know, I'm just trying to maintain a little bit of feminine modesty." You'll hear what's in my heart, if lovers are truly in sync.
You're asleep, and I turn over and press my body against your back. The feeling is intense; you're the first man to caress my body. Just now, you used your hands to feel my body; now, I want to feel you. You're asleep, but it's still erect, strong and powerful. I shyly withdrew my hand immediately. It was there that gave me life. People say that a woman's pleasure comes from there too.
You're fast asleep, but that thing still won't rest. Is it having a beautiful dream? Is the person in your dream me? I really want to enter your dream and see for myself. I put my arm around your shoulder, my breasts pressed against your back, my lower abdomen against your buttocks, my thighs nestled in the crook of his legs, my body arched in the same sleeping position as you… I was already up before dawn; you were showering in the bathroom. I
didn't bring any clothes with me, so I opened your suitcase, took out a shirt and put it on, then went to the counter to get a cup of coffee.
The owner smiled and said to me, "Mrs. Zhong, good morning."
I blushed and smiled without saying a word. My surname is Zhong; it's your surname, and it's also mine. When we're together, I will be upgraded from a daughter to a wife, my father's wife.
I wore your shirt, got into the car, and sped along the endless highway again.
We were enclosed in our own little world inside the car, your hand tightly gripping mine. I started to believe I was in love. Last night's kiss created a tacit understanding; from there, we began to love and be loved.
Sometimes, you would turn to kiss me, and as you did, the car would sway, correcting the steering wheel, and we would kiss again until our lips were numb.
I reclined the seat, leaned back, closed my eyes to rest, and listened to the radio music and news reports. The sunroof opened a crack, and a breeze brushed against my face, tossing my long hair. The hand on my thigh began to wander, caressing me.
Suddenly, you pulled the car over to the side of the road. The rising sun shone unbearably on my cheeks. I put my hand to my forehead, shielding myself from the harsh sunlight.
I looked at you, wondering why you had stopped so soon after we started. Without a word, you quietly placed one hand on my shoulder, a subtle pull drawing me slowly closer.
Your hand on my arm kneaded it incessantly, while your other hand slid down, caressing my calf, then further down, stroking my ankle.
Calmly and confidently, you unbuttoned a few buttons on my shirt, letting a cool breeze into my embrace. I looked up and saw in the rearview mirror one of my breasts suddenly spring forth, like a ripe peach, young and full of juicy, fresh and elastic. It bounced a few times in the sunlight, and your hand gently touched it.
I quickly covered myself with my shirt, as if worried someone in a passing car might peek, then buttoned up my shirt completely and pulled up the collar to conceal my cleavage.
You moved your hand down, exploring between my legs, and I squeezed it tightly between my legs.
You pinched the back of my legs, claiming every inch of territory. I regretted not holding my ground, letting you ignite my primal desires.
I arched my back, demanding deeper caresses, until I was soaked. I snapped out of my daydream, ashamed of my lustful desires, and grabbed your unrestrained hand, pulling it away. I crossed my legs, trapping your hot hand between them, preventing it from moving.
You controlled your breathing, showing none of the blind impulsiveness or loss of control of a young boy, yet you couldn't suppress your desire for my body.
"Daddy, not by the roadside," I scolded myself for my loss of control.
Don't rush things, like a wanton girl. I haven't even figured out if this counts as dating, and even if it does, I want it to be romantic.
I pointed to a signpost; there was a famous lakeside national park, dozens of miles away.
"We'll picnic there," you said, buttoning my shirt before we continued on our way.
It was a lake of breathtaking beauty, called Witch Doctor Lake, the site of an ancient Native American tribe.
You held my hand as we strolled along the soft sand.
On the lakeshore, we saw a monument, recording a legend: as autumn deepened, my thin shirt couldn't withstand the gentle breeze that swept across the lake. I nestled in your arms, feeling that this might be the happiness I had been searching for.
You sat down against an old tree, and I lay back on your lap, sunlight filtering through the yellow leaves of the canopy. Your deep eyes, like the bottomless lake, held many unfathomable secrets I longed to know.
When I was just beginning my life, you only walked a short distance with me before disappearing. Suddenly you came back to me, telling me you would spend your life with me, love me, and walk the rest of your life with me.
I was intoxicated by your poetic words, nestled in your arms, savoring your sweet whispers. You gently stroked my face, kissing away the question mark on my lips.
"Jay, may I call you that? Do you like it?" With boundless shyness, I call you by your name, a name that stirs my soul.
"Zu'er, that would be perfect."
"Because calling you 'Dad' is too heavy. And I'm afraid people will suspect us if they hear me call you 'Dad.'"
"You're so young, yet so worldly."
"I tell myself, if I date a man named Jay, and kiss him, it won't be so embarrassing."
"I'll feel better too, because I really don't deserve to be your father. I haven't fulfilled my responsibilities as a father. Now you're grown up, you don't need a father anymore, let's love each other in another way, I hope to give you back happiness and joy." "That's not what
I meant. I need a father, in my heart you have always been, and in the future, no matter what you consider me to be, even if, as you said, I don't want to marry someone else and stay with you, you will always be my father."
"Let Daddy keep his little girl with him, to live together forever." You kissed the crook of my neck behind my ear, telling me how much you needed me, missed me, and loved me. We lay on the grass, embracing. Sweet words flowed, love lingered. Your hand seemed to never cross the barrier of my underwear, only caressing it from a distance. Even without seeing it, you knew it was the most beautiful and sweetest place in the world.
"Zu'er, if any man could enter this place of yours, I would both envy and be jealous of him. I would pay any price to exchange my identity or that right with him."
"Jay, I will save that place for the one I love."
"Zu'er, I hope I am that lucky one."
"Jay, don't laugh at my naivety. I want to ask a question, do two people who love each other necessarily have to do 'that'?"
"When you love, you won't ask this question. " "
You're being too abstract. I don't understand."
"No, you understand."
Time passed unnoticed, the sun had set behind the treetops and descended onto the lake, the lake shimmering with golden light. The sun was setting, and a cool breeze was blowing.
I melted in your embrace. A flock of geese flew across the sunset, the last rays of the setting sun fading on the horizon. We blended into the romantic scenery, kissing each other passionately again and again. Hand in hand, we walked back along the country lane, our steps shimmering in the long shadows cast by the setting sun.
[The End]

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I shouldn't have loved you

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