Mother's account of her feelings about incest with her son

I'm a 49-year-old woman. My husband passed away from cirrhosis eight years ago. At the time, my son was 18. We were relatively well-off and had a comfortable place to live. Initially, my son probably wanted to keep me company, so he would chat with me at night. Once, I had a fever. He took care of me every night and slept in the same bed with me. After I recovered, I would send him back to his room, but sometimes he wouldn't leave. He would even playfully ask to nurse. When I refused, he would stay put. I was afraid it would affect his school, so I would let him touch me and quickly send him back to his room to sleep. Later, he would sometimes come to my room in the middle of the night wanting to nurse, saying he couldn't sleep without it. I didn't want to argue with him, so I would let him nurse a little. But as time went on, he became increasingly demanding and his behavior became more and more abnormal. I felt something was wrong. I firmly refused and subtly taught him not to think such things, to focus on his studies, and not to worry his father in the afterlife. This made him behave for a while. When summer vacation came, strange things started happening again. He would often leave the shower door open and make excuses to have me bring things to the bathroom. I got angry and scolded him for being inconsiderate. He would then come out naked and fetch them himself. Afterwards, he would try to coax me, kissing my cheeks and hugging me, especially when he hugged me from behind, I felt like he was consciously thrusting against me. Although I was also a little aroused by his advances, I was able to control myself and felt genuinely angry, so I scolded him and also taught him not to think about things he didn't need. But it was probably too late. The more I scolded him, even hit him, the less it worked. At night, he would sometimes climb on top of me and touch me while doing so, but the way he touched and ate was completely different from how he did when I was a child. Several times, after finishing, he would continue to touch me until very late, and then fall asleep next to me. I knew he had ulterior motives, so I was on guard. I wore more protective clothing on my lower body and only allowed him to touch and eat my upper body. He would lift up my pajamas and touch me. At the time, I thought he probably just wanted to have contact with the opposite sex, and he wouldn't force me, would he? One night, however, he ate for a long time, and I was almost asleep when he suddenly cut the narrowest part of my underwear. I immediately got up and hit him, but it was no use. He held me tightly, kissed me... and immediately penetrated me. I instantly lost the ability to resist, numb from his clumsy movements. At that moment, I felt no passion, only anger. If I could have reached that pair of scissors, I would have killed him. A few minutes later, he got off, and I wept bitterly. He was terrified. He knelt down in front of the bed and begged for mercy, crying, "Mom, I love you, I love you so much. At first, I felt sorry for you, and I thought about letting you find a man. After all, you're only in your early forties, you have a long life ahead of you." But later, whenever I saw you in your pajamas or pretty clothes, your figure, your shape, especially those big breasts I touched and sucked on when I was little, and your round, big buttocks, I would have all sorts of fantasies. Almost every night I wanted to hold you tightly while I slept. I really couldn't sleep without touching and sucking on your breasts. I kept imagining what the place where I came from would be like. I peeked at you showering, and I imagined making love with you almost every moment. That was my dream. But I was afraid of hurting you and Dad, so I restrained myself time and time again. You must have felt me consciously thrusting against you when I hugged you from behind. Tonight, I couldn't hold back anymore. Now that I've done it, I know I was wrong. You could kill me without any fault on your part. You are my good mother, and whatever you do to me is not too much. I have no complaints. But I must tell you, now I truly love you, not just a son's love for his mother, but a man's sincere love for a woman. You can't imagine how much I love you. I want you. I will never love another woman in this life. I painfully got out of bed and hugged him tightly, and he hugged me even tighter… At that moment, what he had ejaculated inside me flowed out. I went downstairs to wash, and he followed me to the bathroom. Seeing my naked lower body, he must have been unable to resist again. After I finished washing, he carried me back to bed. I said, "You're grown up now, you have sexual desires, that's normal. If it really doesn't work out, you young people are very open now, you can find someone. Why are you thinking about your mother?" He said, "It's not like that, I only love you… I can never love another girl in this life." He knew it was wrong, it was incest. But I couldn't pull myself out, I couldn't stop thinking about you, stop loving you. If you don't want this, I only have one way out: if you don't kill me, I will commit suicide. He hugged me… and said, "Anyway, I've thought it through, I will never get married or have children in this life. You can't have me, but you won't kill me, so I…" My thoughts may be absurd, but that's how I imagined it. You will always be my good mother and the woman I love most. I came out of you (he touched my genitals, though I had changed into new underwear). My whole body came out from there, and now I'm putting a part of myself back in. What's wrong with that? When I came out, it caused you a lot of pain, but now putting a part back in will make you happy and comfortable. Why can't that be? I laughed through my tears and said, "You even have a theoretical basis!" He said, "I read online that women in their forties are at their most virile, and you can't live without a man, but I don't want another man with you." He started kissing me even more passionately… I was completely weak from his ministrations. He said, "Mom, I want to see where I came out from one last time, is that okay?" I didn't reply and closed my eyes. He spread my legs and looked carefully… I sat up and hugged him tightly… He then fell down on me, climbed on top of me, and penetrated my vagina… He tormented me for over 40 minutes until we were both exhausted and drenched in sweat. And so we began a new life. To outsiders, we were a normal, intimate mother and son, but at home we were a loving couple. Even during the climax of our lovemaking, he still called me "Mommy," and I called him by his nickname. He was very strong, thanks in part to my excellent care of him. So, almost every night he would leave us exhausted before we could sleep. However, this didn't affect his studies at all; in fact, he progressed even faster. He was only average in his first year of high school, but after we reconciled, without any worries, his studies improved dramatically. By the end of his second year, he was already a top student, and he ultimately got into a prestigious university in Beijing. However, we both faced difficulties while he was studying there. After graduation, at my repeated urging, he started dating. Thankfully, they got married last year, and their sex life is normal. Of course, I didn't believe my son's words; I only felt relieved after confirming it with my daughter-in-law. To be honest, I didn't want him to leave me, but I am, after all, his mother, and I can't ignore his future. This boy truly loves me; whenever he has the chance, he still wants to be with me. He says his wife isn't as satisfying as me. I believe that's a lie, but I'm still happy. That's how it happened. I've taken up a lot of the doctors' time, so this is rather long-winded. However, I want you to understand from the process of what happened whether this is truly an unacceptable monster. Here's my thinking: Although he still thinks about me now, and we've had so many sweet years together, he can't possibly forget it all at once. But as I age, my body changes, and my sexual ability declines, he will gradually reduce his sexual dependence on me and return to their normal marital life. This way, I can regain my position as his mother. From the whole process, it hasn't harmed either of us; on the contrary, it has enriched our past and future lives, at least a hundred times better than me finding him a stepfather. Therefore, from a broad societal perspective, I believe this is an intolerable and shameful act, but from our perspective, there haven't been any negative consequences. At least I don't regret it now. Do you think my thinking is reasonable? Of course, I don't approve of such things happening to other mothers and children. If it has already happened and they can't extricate themselves, then they need to find a solution. Perhaps every family has its own way of dealing with it.

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Mother's account of her feelings about incest with her son

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