Looking back on the real past, farewell to my youth.

A few days ago I had a dream where I was only a teenager, holding a girl's hand. The feeling was familiar yet distant. It was so beautiful, even surpassing the feeling of sex now. Perhaps it's because sex is so common and easy now that such pure feelings are so precious.
Everyone has their destiny, predetermined in the dark.
I remember when I was in high school, in a small county town in the south, my family rented a house. Internet cafes were just becoming popular, running Windows 2000, and Legend of Mir was just beginning to gain popularity. A few years later, this game made Chen Tianqiao China's richest man. I was never interested in online games, though I was young, but I started learning about stocks and chatting on QQ.
One summer vacation, I went to an internet cafe called "Big World," which was also its real name. When I went back to my hometown this year, that internet cafe had already closed down. My family now lives in different cities, and I haven't been back for many years. Back then, the electricity in the county town was unstable; one day I was online when the power suddenly went out. So I sat in the internet cafe waiting, chatting with the owner. It was mostly regulars there. I took out a cigarette; I wouldn't dare smoke at home, so I had to sneak it out. Then a woman asked me for a cigarette. That's when I noticed her. I guessed she was in her early twenties, with large breasts and a pretty face. Now, my memory of her face is a bit hazy, but I remember her large breasts. After about ten minutes, the internet came back on, and everyone started playing again. The woman invited me to sit with her, saying she could teach her something.
I readily agreed. We surfed the internet together, smoked, and I occasionally taught her something. A few times when I was teaching her, her breasts thrust out. Of course, I was still a young man, never having been with a woman before, and I couldn't handle that. My face flushed red, and my heart pounded. But I was too timid to move, so I could only accept it silently. Being an honest person, I wouldn't deliberately drag things out, and I was still afraid of being seen. Sometimes I would put my hand on the back of her chair, and she would lean closer. I was willing to accept her advances, but I never had the courage to hug her. For the next few days, we often went to the internet cafe, sitting together, sometimes having cold drinks, like a couple. I quite liked her; although she was older than me, she was bolder and more proactive than my classmates or even girlfriends, and I could get physical pleasure more directly and quickly. I couldn't stop thinking about her. Unfortunately, this sweet period only lasted about ten days. Because I often treated her to meals when I went online, one day the owner said to me, "Why would a student like you treat her? Someone like her, who works in that field, has plenty of money." Hearing this was like a bolt from the blue; it felt like the sky was falling. She was so beautiful, and being with her was so joyful. Sitting in front of the computer, I had no interest in surfing the internet. I wanted to deny the internet cafe owner's words, but thinking about our time together, she was indeed different from ordinary women, and I couldn't refute her. I couldn't sit there any longer. With pain, confusion, and anger, my eyes red, I left the internet cafe. That afternoon, I called her to question her about the truth of the matter. She seemed very calm, offering no rebuttal or explanation. There was silence on the other end of the line; she didn't continue. I didn't know what to say either. Sadness and pain welled up inside me, along with a deep sense of resentment. I don't even remember how the call ended; I only recall feeling utterly lost and heartbroken afterward. I remained depressed for several days. I didn't go to internet cafes, afraid of the look in the owner's eyes. (I forgot the girl's name, so let's just call her the "internet cafe girl" for now, I'll use that name later.) Even though I didn't go online, I still had to find other entertainment. I went to watch videos with my classmates. Back then, video arcade tickets cost 2 yuan. They showed from morning till late at night. In the morning there were some feature films, around noon they showed adult films, and in the afternoon and evening they showed porn. From junior high onwards, I learned so much over two days a week. Once, I chatted with an old man there. He told us about his experiences with sex, the feeling of penetration. I was really excited. Later, he even said he'd take me to find a prostitute. I only had 50 yuan on me. I really wanted to go, but my classmates weren't there that day, and I was too scared to go alone. After going out with him, I immediately regretted it. Looking back, that old man might have been gay; I'd seen him touching a man's penis in the video arcade a few times. Maybe that was a trap.
I often spent time in video arcades; it was a cheap way to kill time. I can't think of anything more fun than going online. Later, my classmate treated me to a more exciting place: a dance hall. Tickets were 5 yuan. It was a large hall with rows of long benches, blasting loud music. After the show started, a group of women walked onto the stage and danced gracefully. As the performance progressed, the women slowly took off their clothes, skirts, and underwear. Good heavens! I had never seen a real woman before, and now there was a group of naked women! How shocking! My heart was pounding with excitement. When we left, the sun was still high in the sky. My classmate and I exchanged smiles, our hearts pounding with emotion. Once, I went to see a striptease show. There was a girl who looked about seventeen or eighteen years old. She had a pair of very beautiful breasts. I still remember them. The other girls had nipples, but hers were one piece. They were perky breasts with pale pink nipples at the top. They didn't have the protrusion of typical nipples. I saw this on other women later. It seems that this phenomenon usually only occurs on very young women. I stared at her and enjoyed their performance. That day, I unfortunately had a stomachache. I asked the owner for some toilet paper. After the woman finished her performance, I rushed to the toilet. Yes, it was an outhouse, made of frozen cement with a deep ditch in the middle. The door was made of planks of varying lengths nailed together, with large holes at the top and bottom, and a small gap in the middle. I was using it when suddenly there was a loud banging on the door. I immediately answered that someone was there, but they just kept kicking without saying anything. I wondered who it was and why they were being so rude. Because I was squatting, there was a wide gap under the door, big enough for a dog to easily squeeze through. I looked down and saw... She was wearing pink brick-shaped shoes, which were quite popular back then. I immediately realized it was a woman, a stripper at that. My heart was pounding like a deer's. I kicked her for a while, then stopped. I was so conflicted—I didn't have the guts to go for it, but I was also so excited, hoping she would rush in. After I finished, I looked at the woman; it was indeed that woman with the beautiful breasts. Later, when I told my classmates about it, they all said I was stupid.
I've written so much ramblingly, and I haven't even mentioned myself yet. At the time, I was attending the best middle school in the county. Back in high school, I was about 1.6 meters tall, handsome, very handsome. Even my messy hair couldn't hide my good looks. If I had the courage I have now back then... well... Let me put it this way: later, when I went to Shanghai Jiaotong University, on trains back to my hometown, I had three out of four encounters with women I sat with. Not the kind of casual sex we have now, but more like hugging and touching. Later, while working, I had five encounters with women I sat with on buses, one of which involved booking a hotel room. On trains, her husband was there, but not in the same row, and I touched her breasts twice. Once, while queuing to board a train, I hooked up with a woman who wanted to give me a blowjob, but I didn't dare because I didn't have the opportunity. On a plane to Guangzhou for a conference, I sat with the CEO of a company, and we ended up booking a hotel room together in Guangzhou. Now, I almost always fly with my wife; I rarely travel alone. Even when I travel within the province for business, I drive, so I have far fewer of these opportunities. I wonder if I still have the same charm as I did back then. Just the last ten days or so, I met up with two online friends on two separate nights. All of the above is true; there might be one or two discrepancies in the numbers.
Across from the window of the apartment I was renting, there was another family with a young girl, around 15 years old. Her surname was Jiang, and her real name was Xiao Jiang (also her real surname). She had dropped out of school early and had some freckles. Her mother was divorced and had left. My older sister ran a small business at the county farmers' market, which was just a short distance from our apartment. The landlord owned a three-story building. After his divorce, he married a 19-year-old woman. His ex-wife had two daughters, the older one around 15 or 16. Both girls were very pretty. I once peeked at the older girl while she was showering, but we didn't have much interaction. At most, we'd nod and smile when we met. Xiao Jiang often helped my older sister because she told her she wanted to introduce her to me. My brother and I were constantly being used as diplomatic tools. Xiao Jiang seemed to like me; she asked me to be her girlfriend on QQ, but I wasn't really interested in her. Until one time, I was surfing the internet at another internet cafe when she suddenly appeared behind me, hugged my head, and made me guess who she was. Her soft breasts pressed against the back of my head, and her hands tightly covered my eyes. I guessed right away, let go, and leaned down to see what I was playing. Later, she even snatched me away and sat on my lap, playing with me. It was only then that I started to feel something; she had the scent of a woman. Even so, I remained a gentleman and didn't date her. Of course, I thought, this woman shouldn't be touched; I was afraid she'd cling to me and I wouldn't be able to get rid of her. More importantly, I felt she wasn't good enough and didn't want to live with her. In my second year of high school, I had a girlfriend, my first love. Back then, we just kissed and held hands by the river. I didn't even dare to touch her chest when I put my hand on her chest. Later, an old man herding cattle scolded me, and I never dared to go there again. Later, it seemed like we broke up; we never mentioned it, and we never got back together. When I contacted her in college, she ignored me, saying she had a boyfriend. Later, I heard from her best friend that she didn't have a boyfriend because she felt the school wasn't good enough and was afraid it would affect my future. What a great woman! That's how I see it. She later divorced, then remarried, had a child, and I hope she's happy! My hope is completely selfless.
I didn't pass my high school entrance exam and went to a cram school. One night, I was playing games with classmates at an internet cafe. The private server for Legend of Mir was quite popular. I met Xiao Jiang on QQ. After puberty, my desire for women grew stronger every day. She was online at the same internet cafe where I had previously met the internet cafe girl. Xiao Jiang asked me to come over and invite her to use the internet. We chatted for a while, and I remember saying I wanted to have sex with her. She didn't say yes or no, just asked me to come over. I was determined then and there to see her, even sleep with her. That night I was incredibly horny. While we were chatting, the internet cafe girl's avatar appeared. It was time to settle old scores, and that night I made up my mind to lose my virginity. The internet cafe girl invited me over for barbecue. On one side was Xiao Jiang, on the other was the internet cafe girl. Thinking about the potential trouble Xiao Jiang might cause, I ultimately chose to see the girl. We each ordered a chicken wing and a few lamb skewers. She also ordered a bottle of beer, and I had one glass—I'm not a big drinker to begin with. Later, I took her to her place, a hotel. I took her to the second floor; the hallway was dark, with only sparse lights shining in from outside. She said she had to go upstairs, and I was a little reluctant to let her go. Slowly, we hugged each other. She wrapped her arms around my buttocks, and our lower bodies pressed together. This kind of embrace was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. That kind of pleasure instantly spread throughout my body, blood rushed to my head, and I felt dizzy. The rush of blood made my head spin... Feverish, yet fully conscious, the sensation of being touched was amplified to such an intense degree. Leaning against the wall against her lower body, I caressed her breasts and kissed her. She was menstruating; you could see for yourself, I could see her pubic hair. Experience, experience is crucial. I couldn't really tell the difference; what I learned from videos, without practical experience, was useless, and I didn't know its specific effects on women. She asked if I wanted to come upstairs. Upstairs? Images flashed through my mind of several women and men—what would they do to me if I went in? All I wanted was our own private world. We cuddled for a while in the second-floor hallway, and it was almost time to leave. Disappointing, my goal unfulfilled, we ended up at an internet cafe. I checked QQ to see if Xiao Jiang was online; I had something important to do. Her avatar was black, so I clicked on it and saw she was asking, "Coming or not? Coming or not? I'll wait ten minutes, ten more minutes at most..." I asked if she was online, and she was indeed offline. I didn't think much of Xiao Jiang's feelings at the time. I had no choice but to go back to school, climb into bed, and let loose with lingering pent-up frustration. Because I lived at school, sometimes I'd wait for Xiao Jiang by the window when I got home, but she wouldn't show up. Sometimes her dad had a girlfriend, and when she appeared, her dad's girlfriend was there too; sometimes my family was there. I had this thought: if I were home alone, I'd wave her over and use a condom a classmate had given me. But I never had that opportunity.
Still... That year, another thing happened. Near our rented place lived another family, whom I usually called Uncle Huang. Uncle Huang and my dad had a good relationship. Once, during a flood, he even carried me home on his back. He had a daughter, about my age, with big eyes and fair skin, named Meizi (that's also her real name). When she saw me, she would sometimes smile shyly. My dad would joke with her, saying that if I became his daughter-in-law, she would give me a back massage, and she actually did! Actually, I quite liked her too. I used to pass by her house on my way to school. Later, my older sister told me about Dad's joke, and I became too embarrassed to pass by. A few times when I went to his house, my face turned bright red with embarrassment, and Uncle Huang laughed at me for being more shy than a girl. (Brother) She was already working in Beijing, and sometimes she would call and ask us to pick her up. Back then, we didn't have landlines, and cell phone calls were expensive. One time, I went to her house to answer a call. She was on the second floor, and after the call, she told me something. She said someone had introduced her to a potential partner, a civil servant. She mentioned his background and said she didn't know what to do, seemingly asking for my opinion. She also seemed to know I liked her and wanted me to give up. I didn't respond at the time, and I didn't know how to respond. Should I say yes, or should I just blurt out that I liked her and be with her? I simply didn't have the courage. In the end, I didn't give a definite answer, and just said, a little disappointed, that I wished her happiness. She politely replied thank you… Later, she went to Shanghai for school. That's it. My family moved away, and we never crossed paths again.
Later, my parents moved to Beijing, my eldest sister opened a kindergarten, my second sister started a business, and I also started my own business in Chengdu and settled down. In the meantime, one year, I took my current wife back to my hometown. My father treated us to dinner, and a good friend from our previous small business days came up. After dinner, we chatted, and this uncle mentioned something. He said that a few years ago, someone had contacted my father. I remembered that family; it was when my father and I went to the countryside to collect agricultural products and visited their house. We asked him to help lead the way. He had a very young grandson and several granddaughters, who were little girls, whom we had played with. It was just a few years ago, and that's when the uncle... I don't quite remember what the little girl looked like anymore. Apparently, her grandfather was trying to arrange a marriage, and our family had left that county. The uncle told the grandfather I was going to university in Shanghai, and that was never mentioned again. My wife and mother were there when this was discussed; my mother even seemed a little surprised that I'd never told them. Even though my wife was with me, I still hoped to meet her, but it remained a mystery.
So many years have passed in the blink of an eye. Sometimes, when I think back, I really miss it. I miss the brothers I went to school with, frequented video arcades, and watched striptease shows with; I miss her, who, though our relationship didn't work out, still stirred something in my life. It's all in the past, never to return. Farewell, my youth.

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Looking back on the real past, farewell to my youth.

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