The Deer and the Cauldron: Amusing Stories 1-16

【The Deer and the Cauldron】01 (Jianning Chapter 1)
Wei Xiaobao, ordered by Emperor Kangxi, went to Mount Wutai to investigate the truth behind Emperor
Shunzhi and hurriedly returned to the capital to report.
Emperor Kangxi was overjoyed to hear of Xiao Gui's return and immediately summoned him.
Wei Xiaobao entered the inner study, turned around, closed the door, bolted it, and immediately knelt down and kowtowed, saying, "Congratulations
, Your Majesty! This is a great joy!"
Upon hearing this, Emperor Kangxi knew that his father was still alive. His heart surged with emotion, and he felt a pang of sadness. He stepped forward to help Wei Xiaobao up
, tightly grasped his hand, and asked in a trembling voice, "Father... was he really at Mount Wutai... did he say anything?"
Wei Xiaobao then... He recounted everything: how he met the Emperor at Qingliang Temple, how the Tibetan lama plotted against him, how he bravely
rescued and protected the Emperor, and how he was fortunate to receive help from the Eighteen Arhats of Shaolin.
In Wei Xiaobao's version, he embellished the story with extra suspense, making Kangxi's palms sweat
and repeatedly exclaim, "That was close!"
Just as the two were engrossed in their conversation, their emotions shifting between joy and sorrow, they suddenly heard the thumping of boots outside the study door. A
clear, girlish voice called out, "Brother Emperor, hurry up and come spar with me!" With a few bangs, the person
was forcefully pushing open the door.
Kangxi smiled and said to Wei Xiaobao, "Open the door for her." Wei
Xiaobao thought to himself, "Who is this person who dares to be so audacious? Could it be Princess Jianning?" He walked to the door,
unlatched it, and opened it.
A young girl dressed in bright red brocade suddenly rushed in like a gust of wind, saying, "Brother Emperor, what's
wrong? You've kept me waiting for so long! Are you afraid of me? Tell me quickly!"
Wei Xiaobao saw that the girl was only fifteen or sixteen years old, with an oval face, thin and beautiful lips, and lively,
pretty eyes. She was incredibly beautiful, like a fairy from heaven. Upon seeing this sweetheart before him, Wei Xiaobao's
eyes widened, fixed intently on her.
Although still young, she was already graceful and elegant, her movements slender and graceful. Her waist was slender, her breasts
high and , her skin like jade, her complexion radiant. When she smiled, her teeth
gleamed like pearls, exuding a captivating charm that was utterly irresistible. Wei Xiaobao was completely mesmerized, lost in the beauty.
Kangxi smiled and said, " "Who would be afraid of a girl like you? In my opinion, you can't even beat my disciple
. How dare you fight me?"
The girl was puzzled and asked blankly, "You've taken on a disciple? Who is he?"
Kangxi looked at Wei Xiaobao and said, "He is my disciple, Xiao Gui Zi. His martial arts were
taught to him by me. Come and pay your respects to your aunt, Princess Jianning."
Wei Xiaobao thought, "It really is Princess Jianning." He knew that the old emperor had six daughters, but five of them
died young. Only Princess Jianning grew up, and she was the Empress Dowager's biological daughter.
Ever since Wei Xiaobao witnessed the affair between the Empress Dowager and Hai Gong, he had wanted to silence her. Therefore, he rarely went near Cining Palace
, and the princess rarely came to the emperor's study. It was only today that he finally met her, and he never expected her to be such a beautiful and charming
girl.
Hearing Kangxi's words, he knew it was a joke, so he joined in the fun, walked forward with a smile, and said:
"Junior disciple Xiao Guizi greets Your Highness, wishing you boundless blessings..."
Before he could finish the word "peace," Princess Jianning grinned at him and suddenly kicked him squarely
in the chin.
The kick came without warning; Wei Xiaobao, with his leg bent and bent over at her feet, had no chance to dodge.
Before he could finish
his sentence, his chin was struck hard, his jaw snapped shut, and he bit his tongue,
letting out a loud "Ah!" as blood streamed down his face.
Kangxi, seeing this, exclaimed, "You...you..."
Princess Jianning pointed at Wei Xiaobao and laughed, "Emperor brother, your disciple is utterly useless. I kicked him like that to
test his skills, but he couldn't dodge it. I see your own martial arts are nothing special." With that, the princess... He
laughed .
Wei Xiaobao, now filled with rage, thought to himself, "You shameless slut, if I don't fuck you until you're
turned upside down , I'm not Wei Xiaobao!" However, being in the palace, the princess was still his master; he
dared not even glare at her, let alone fuck her.
Kangxi stepped forward to comfort Wei Xiaobao, "What's wrong? Did you bite your tongue? Does it hurt badly?"
Wei Xiaobao forced a smile, "It's alright, it's alright!" His tongue was injured, making his speech unclear.
Princess Jianning mimicked his accent, smiling, "It's alright, it's alright, you're not dead yet!" She chuckled and
grabbed Kangxi's hand, "Brother, come quickly, let's have a martial arts match!"
It turned out Kangxi had already arranged a martial arts match with his sister to amuse this pretty girl. Unexpectedly, when Wei Xiaobao returned to the palace and inquired about
the Wutai Mountain incident, Kangxi had already... He forgot the martial arts agreement.
At that time, he received his father's message, overwhelmed with mixed emotions of joy and sorrow, and in a daze, he had no interest in joking with his sister. He
said to her, "I have important matters to attend to right now. You go and practice by yourself, and we'll compete again in a few days."
Princess Jianning's arched eyebrows immediately furrowed, and she pouted, saying, "Heroes in the martial arts world should
meet without fail for a duel. If you don't come, wouldn't all the heroes of the world laugh at you? If you don't come to compete, then you've admitted defeat."
She had heard these martial arts terms from the guards.
Kangxi said, "Alright, I admit defeat today. Princess Jianning's martial arts are unparalleled; she can punch a tiger in the South Mountain and kick a dragon
in the North Sea ."
Princess Jianning then giggled and added, "And kick a giant worm in the North Sea!" She launched a kick straight at the giant
worm between Wei Xiaobao's legs.
Wei Xiaobao was overturned. The person behind her, who had been paying attention, quickly dodged to the side, and her kick naturally missed.
Seeing that the emperor wouldn't play with her, and noticing that this young eunuch was about her age and quite agile
, the princess decided to use him to test her skills. She said, "Alright! Since your master is afraid of me, you, his apprentice, will take his place
. Come with me."
Kangxi, who always liked this lively and clever girl, couldn't bear to spoil her fun, and ordered, "Little Gui, you
go and play with the princess today, and come serve her again tomorrow."
Princess Jianning suddenly cried out, "Emperor brother, take this!" She clenched her two small fists and, with a move called "Bells and Drums Ringing,"
suddenly struck Kangxi's temple. Kangxi shouted, "Well done!" He raised his hand to block, turned his wrist and sideways, changing to a move called "Pushing Open the Window to Gaze at the Moon," and gently pushed
her back .

The princess stumbled backward, losing her footing.
Wei Xiaobao saw this and chuckled.
The princess, enraged, yelled, "You damned eunuch, what are you laughing at?" She grabbed his right ear
and dragged him out of the study. If Wei Xiaobao had intended to resist, the princess wouldn't have been able to catch him, but he dared not be disrespectful and could only
let her twist his ear as she dragged him out.
Princess Jianning pulled him along a long corridor.
A long line of eunuchs and guards stood outside the study. They all found it amusing, but fearing Wei Xiaobao's power,
none dared to laugh aloud.
Wei Xiaobao pleaded, "Alright, alright, let go! Wherever you want to go, I'll follow you."
The princess said, "You lawless bandit leader, now that I've captured you, you can't let go so easily. I'll first acupuncture
your pressure points." She extended her index finger and poked his chest and abdomen several times.
She didn't know acupressure, she just poked around randomly. Wei Xiaobao chuckled and shouted, "You've hit my acupressure point!" He immediately
sat down on the ground, his face showing utter astonishment, and remained motionless.
The princess, seeing this, was both surprised and delighted, and went forward to kick him several times, but Wei Xiaobao still didn't move.
The princess shouted, "Get up now!" Wei Xiaobao still didn't move.
The princess thought she had really hit his acupressure point by accident, "Well then, let me release it for you!" She lifted her
foot and kicked him hard in the lower back.
Wei Xiaobao thought to himself, "This sly woman can't find my pressure points, she'll definitely kick me harder." He immediately
cried out "Ah!" and jumped up, saying, "Princess, your pressure point technique is truly superb; I'm afraid even the Emperor wouldn't know it
."
The princess said, "You little eunuch are really cunning; when did I learn pressure point techniques?" But seeing his understanding,
she was pleased and said, "Come with me!"
Wei Xiaobao followed her, turning several corners, until they arrived at the room where he and Emperor Kangxi had once sparred.
The princess said, "Lock the door, don't let anyone steal your skills."
Wei Xiaobao smiled, thinking, "With your meager skills, who would dare to steal them!" He reached out and closed the door.
The princess picked up the latch, seemingly to hand it to him, when suddenly, Wei Xiaobao heard a "thud" beside his ear, a
sharp pain , and he lost consciousness.
After an unknown amount of time, when he awoke, he saw the princess standing before him, hands on her hips, smiling broadly. She laughed and said, "
What a coward! A martial artist is supposed to be observant and attentive. You knocked me down like this? What's the point of learning
martial arts ?"
Wei Xiaobao stammered, "I...I..." He felt a splitting headache, and suddenly his left eye felt wet and sticky,
making it difficult to open. He smelled blood and immediately realized he had been struck on the head by the door bolt.
The princess swung the bolt and shouted, "If you've got guts, get up and hit me again!" With a whoosh, another bolt struck his shoulder
.
Wei Xiaobao cried out, jumped up, dodged to the side, and reached back to snatch the bolt.
The princess shouted, "Good!" The bolt swung up and thrust at his chest again.
Wei Xiaobao dodged to the left, but the bolt flipped over and struck his right cheek with a loud thud.
Wei Xiaobao was instantly dizzy and staggered a few steps.
The princess shouted, "You cunning bandit! I'll kill you today!" The door bolt swept across his waist, and Wei Xiaobao
fell to the ground again.
The princess was overjoyed, raised the door bolt, and was about to strike him hard on the back of the head.
Wei Xiaobao felt a gust of wind behind his head, and in great fear, he quickly rolled over. With a bang,
the door bolt hit the ground heavily.
The princess cried out, "Ouch!" The force of the blow had been too great, and her hand throbbed with pain. Enraged, she kicked him
hard in the waist.
Wei Xiaobao raised his hands and shouted, "I surrender! I surrender! I won't fight anymore!" The
princess ignored him, bolting the door bolt again and again, angrily shouting, "You damned eunuch, if I'm going to hit you, dare you get out of my way?"
Although the princess wasn't very strong, her attacks were merciless, as if she wanted to kill him on the spot.
Wei Xiaobao was immediately filled with shock and anger, and with a burst of strength, he turned around and leaped up.
The princess raised the bolt to strike him, and Wei Xiaobao blocked with his left hand, nearly breaking his arm with a crack.
His mind raced: "She's so fierce and ruthless; she's clearly not playing around. Why does she want to kill me? Ah,
she's acting on the Empress Dowager's orders to take my life!"
Realizing this, he decided he couldn't let her continue beating him. He joined his right index and middle fingers together, executing a "double dragons vying for a pearl" strike
, swiftly aiming for the princess's eye.
The princess cried out "Ouch!" and took a step back.
Wei Xiaobao swept his left foot across, and the princess fell to the ground, yelling, "You damned eunuch, are you really going to hit me?"
Wei Xiaobao snatched the door bolt, intending to strike her head, but seeing the fear and anger in her eyes
, he was startled: "This is the inner palace. If I strike with this bolt, it will be a heinous crime. Unless I kill her
and then dissolve her body with corpse-dissolving powder, the consequences will be endless." Hesitating for that moment, the bolt he held high could
no longer be struck.
The princess cursed, "You damned eunuch, help me up!"
Wei Xiaobao thought, "If she really wants to kill me, it won't be easy." He reached out his left hand to help her up.
The princess said, "Your martial arts are no match for mine. I just tripped and fell. You
already surrendered, so why are you hitting a real man? Don't you follow the rules of the martial arts world?"
Blood streamed down Wei Xiaobao's forehead; he squinted and wiped it with his sleeve.
The princess laughed, "I don't need anything. Come, let me wipe your blood." She took out a snow-white handkerchief from her bosom and took
a few steps .
Wei Xiaobao, fearing she might be up to something, quickly took a step back and said, "This servant dares not accept such a favor."
The princess said, "We are all heroes of the martial world, we should share both good fortune and hardship." As she spoke, she used the handkerchief to wipe
the bloodstains from his face.
Suddenly, Wei Xiaobao caught a whiff of her delicate fragrance, and his heart fluttered slightly. They were now very close, her breasts pressed against his
skin . Seeing her beautiful face, her delicate, white, and smooth skin, his
penis, unable to resist the temptation, hardened. He thought, "This little princess is truly stunning. If I could strip
her naked and caress her properly, I'd be incredibly lucky!"
The princess said, "Turn around quickly, let me see how badly you hurt your head."
Wei Xiaobao turned around as instructed, thinking, "Perhaps I was just being suspicious. It turns out the little princess was just joking, but
she's very competitive and doesn't know her own strength." The
princess gently touched the wound on the back of his head and asked with a smile, "Does it hurt badly?"
Wei Xiaobao said, "It's alright..."
Suddenly, a sharp pain shot through his back, and he tripped and fell to the ground.
It turned out that the princess had secretly taken out a short knife hidden in her boots and launched a surprise attack. She stepped on his back with her
left foot and stabbed him in both legs with the knife, laughing, "Does it hurt badly? You said 'it's alright,' so I'll stab you a few more times."
Wei Xiaobao was terrified and thought to himself, "I'm going to be in deep trouble!" Fortunately, his back was protected by his protective armor, so the short knife couldn't penetrate. The two cuts
on his legs weren't serious injuries, but they were already excruciatingly painful. He struggled, trying to crawl between her legs and behind her, but
he was too slow. The moment he moved, he was stabbed again in the buttocks. The princess giggled, "Does it hurt badly?"
Wei Xiaobao replied, "Extremely bad. Your Highness's martial arts are superb; this servant is no match for you.
The heroes of the martial world... if they capture someone, they will surely spare their life."
The princess laughed, "Death is forgivable, but punishment is unforgivable." She squatted down and sat on his buttocks, shouting, "If you move,
I'll kill you with one stroke!"
Wei Xiaobao said, "Don't even mention moving; this servant wouldn't dare move even halfway." But the princess was sitting right on his wound,
causing him to groan in pain.
The princess untied his belt, bound his feet, cut off his clothes with a knife, and tied his hands behind his back, laughing
, "You are my prisoner. Let's practice a move called... called 'Zhuge Liang's Seven Captures of Meng Huo.'"
The Manchu imperial family was very familiar with the Three Kingdoms story; she had already read *Romance of the Three Kingdoms* three times.
Having seen the play, Wei Xiaobao hurriedly said, "Yes, yes, Zhuge Liang captured Meng Huo seven times and released him seven times, while Princess Jianning captured Xiao Guizi
with just one capture and one release. If you release me, I won't rebel. You are seven times more powerful than Zhuge Liang."
The princess said, "No! Zhuge Liang wants to burn the rattan armor soldiers."
Wei Xiaobao was startled: "This servant doesn't... doesn't wear rattan armor."
The princess laughed: "Then burning your clothes will do the same."
Wei Xiaobao shouted: "No, no!" The princess angrily said: "What do you mean no or no? If Zhuge Liang wants to burn them, let him burn them. The rattan armor soldiers have no right to say a word." Seeing the flint and steel
next to the candlestick on the table , she immediately lit a fire and lit the candle. Wei Xiaobao shouted: "Zhuge Liang didn't burn Meng Huo to death. If you burn me to death, you are not Zhuge Liang, you are Cao Cao !" The princess picked up his clothes, about to bring them to the candlelight to light them, when she suddenly saw his shiny black braid. An idea struck her, and she used the candlelight to burn the end of his braid. His hair was highly flammable; once ignited, it immediately burst into flames, hissing and filling the room with a pungent, acrid smell. Wei Xiaobao was terrified, screaming, "Help! Help! Cao Cao burned Zhuge Liang to death!" The princess, gripping the base of his braid, shook it violently, laughing, and said, "This is a torch, very fun." In the blink of an eye, the flame drew closer, and the princess released her grip. Wei Xiaobao was instantly engulfed in flames. In his moment of crisis, his strength increased dramatically, and he lunged headfirst into the princess's arms. The princess cried out, "Ouch!" and, unable to dodge, Wei Xiaobao crashed into her high, firm breasts, and the flames on his head miraculously went out . The princess swatted at the charred ash and broken hair on her clothes, feeling pain in her breasts. Overwhelmed with shame and fear, she kicked . After a few kicks, Wei Xiaobao fainted. Suddenly, a sharp pain shot through his wounds, jolting him awake. He found himself lying on his back, his chest bare, his clothes, vest , and underwear all undone. The princess held a handful of white powder in her left hand and used a short knife to cut a three- or four-tenths- , sprinkling the powder into it. Wei Xiaobao was shocked and hurriedly asked, "What are you doing?" The princess laughed, "The guards said they captured a bandit, but he wouldn't confess. So they put salt in his wounds, making him scream for help, which forced him to confess. That's why I carry salt with me, specifically to deal with a notorious thief like you." Wei Xiaobao felt throbbing pain in his wounds and cried out, "Help! Help! I confess!" The princess chuckled and said, "You coward, you confessed so quickly. What's the big deal?" "It'll be more fun if you say, 'I'm in your hands today , and if you don't even flinch , you're no hero.' Then I'll cut a few more wounds on you, put in lots of salt, and then you'll beg for mercy. That'll be much more interesting." Wei Xiaobao was furious and blurted out, "Damn it, you stinking bastard... Hey, I'm not cursing you, I... I'm no hero, I confess, I confess!" The princess sighed, about to throw away the salt, but then thought better of it and sprinkled it all over his wounds, saying seriously: "I am the leader of the Jianning Sect, the most skilled martial artist in the world. I have captured you, you wicked bandit..." Wei Xiaobao said, "Good, good, I am a notorious bandit, but today I am outmatched. I have been captured by the leader . I have no chance of survival. As the saying goes in the martial world: 'Beheading is nothing more than a tap on the ground.' I accept my fate." The princess was amused to hear him speak like a chivalrous man, the same words Zhang Kangnian and the other guards had told her. She praised, "That's more like it. If you're going to play, you should play it properly." Wei Xiaobao felt a deep pain in his heart, like the grotesque curses of a scoundrel. His wounds ached to the bone. He couldn't tell whether she was acting on the Empress Dowager's orders to kill him or merely mimicking the actions of a chivalrous hero. He wondered how this scoundrel would strike. " This is vicious! Even if she's just playing with me, I'll still lose my life to her." Suddenly remembering how effective his tactic of threatening Mu Jianping had been—young girls are all afraid of ghosts—he forced himself to endure the pain and said, "Suddenly, I'm not convinced anymore. Master , if you have the guts, let me go, and we'll have another match. If you're afraid of my superior martial arts and don't dare to fight, then kill me with one stroke. I'll become a vengeful ghost, following you by day and crawling into your bed at night, grabbing your neck and sucking your blood..." The princess screamed, her voice trembling, "Why would I kill you?" Wei Xiaobao said, "Then let me go quickly!" The princess said, "No! You dead eunuch, you're scaring me!" She picked up a candlestick and used the flame to burn his face. The flame burned his face with a hiss, and Wei Xiaobao cried out in pain, leaning back and forcefully slamming his right shoulder into her arm. The princess's arm was struck, the candlestick fell to the ground, and the candle immediately went out. Enraged, she grabbed the door latch and began to beat him repeatedly, slamming it against his head. Wei Xiaobao was in excruciating pain and terrified. "I'm going to die this time !" he cried out. "I'm dead!" he pretended to be dead and remained motionless. The princess angrily said, "You're playing dead! Wake up and play with me!" Wei Xiaobao didn't budge. The princess gently kicked him, and seeing that he didn't move at all, she said softly, "Alright, I won't hit you anymore. Don't die." Wei Xiaobao thought to himself, "I'm already dead, how can I not die? utter nonsense."

The princess pulled the hairpin from her hair and poked him a few times in the face and neck. Wei Xiaobao endured the pain and didn't move.
The princess said softly, "Please, you...you...don't scare me, I...I didn't mean to kill you, I just wanted to fight
you, it's your fault...it's your fault for being such a coward, you can't beat me..." Suddenly, she felt
a faint Overjoyed, she reached out to touch his chest and felt his heart pounding. She laughed, "You dead eunuch
, so you're not dead. I'll spare you this time, open your eyes."
Wei Xiaobao still didn't move, but the princess was no longer fooled. She shouted, "I'll gouge out your eyes, so you'll be
a blind ghost after you die and won't be able to find me." She picked up a short knife and pointed the tip at his right eyelid.
Wei Xiaobao broke out in a cold sweat and quickly rolled away.
The princess roared, "You little devil, you're scaring me again! I... I'll blind you!" She leaped forward
, forcefully stomping on his chest, and stabbed at his right eye with her knife.
This was no feint; she thrust forward with all her might, the knife aimed not only at blinding him but also at piercing
his brain.
Wei Xiaobao bent his legs sharply, his knees striking her chest. With a snap, the princess staggered backward and fell limply. Wei Xiaobao
was overjoyed. He bent down, pulled a dagger from his boot, cut open the clothes binding her feet, and then
, as he stood up, kicked the princess hard on the head, momentarily stunning her. He then inserted the dagger into a table leg, turned around
, and lightly rubbed the belt binding her hands against the blade. After only two rubs, the belt snapped.
He let out a long sigh of relief, overjoyed to have escaped death. His body was covered in wounds, throbbing with pain, but he
ignored them for the moment, thinking, "Dealing with this wretched woman is a huge problem. Judging from her tone, she really is just
playing around. If she was ordered by the Empress Dowager to kill me, why is she afraid of me when I'm pretending to be dead? It's like children playing games;
how play so fiercely? She's a princess; she doesn't treat eunuchs and palace maids as human beings at all
. Whether they live or die, she treats them like crushing an ant."
Wei Xiaobao grew angrier the more he thought about it and kicked her again.
Unexpectedly, this kick released her breath.
The princess groaned, waking up and slowly supporting herself as she stood up, cursing, "You damned eunuch…!"
Wei Xiaobao, still furious, slapped her twice across the face and swept his right foot, causing the princess to fall again.
He leaped onto her back, straddling her backwards, and began pounding her legs, back, and buttocks with his fists like drums,
yelling "You wretched little wench, you filthy little wench, you devil born of a whore, I'll beat you to death!"
The princess cried out, "Stop! Stop! You have no manners! I'll have the Empress Dowager kill you, I'll have my brother the Emperor kill you, I'll have you...
executed by slow slicing!
"

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