"Seirin Michi no Yu" - (18)

I was alone in the hospital room, watching Xiao Ke sleeping soundly. Li Fan was outside in the corridor, patiently listening to the chubby boss's long-winded explanation of how to make Angelica and Turtle Soup.
The hospital room was a clean, white space. Xiao Ke was completely wrapped in the blankets, revealing her delicate curves. Her face was exposed, round and with short hair, making her look like a sixteen or seventeen-year-old high school student. Xiao Ke and his wife were a perfect contrast: one had long, flowing hair, the other had short, ear-length hair; one had a beautiful oval face, the other a cute, doll-like face… According to the painter, if his wife embodied Western beauty, then Xiao Ke must have been a typical example of Eastern beauty.
But at this moment, Xiao Ke's eyes were tightly closed, her face pale and lacking its usual alluring glow. Seeing her like this, I felt a pang of sorrow: Did I love this girl? —I didn't know. But I knew for sure that I still cared about her deeply…
"Let her sleep for a while, let's go for a walk outside!" I noticed Li Fan standing behind me sometime during the night. I asked him, "Where's my boss?"
Li Fan said, "He had to leave for a meeting, but I told him I had some things to discuss with you and asked him to let you stay for a while."
I nodded silently and followed Lifan to a small garden outside the inpatient department. It was a quiet place with several osmanthus trees, more than ten bonsai trees, and a delicate little fishpond. Seven or eight red koi were swimming leisurely in it. Lifan took out a pack of cigarettes, handed me one, and lit it for me.
I took a drag and asked Lifan, "How did things get like this? — I mean, Xiao Ke."
Li Fan took a long drag on his cigarette and said, "Here's what happened: Xiao Ke got pregnant unexpectedly after that night. Did she tell you about it?"
I quietly smoked, remaining noncommittal.
Li Fan didn't press further, and continued, "Xiao Ke is a girl who cares a lot about her image. She had already had two abortions at our hospital. She felt that if she had a third one here, her colleagues would laugh at her. So, she secretly went to a small hospital without telling me. She originally thought it was just a minor surgery. But things went wrong, and she had a massive hemorrhage! The doctors there panicked, and their blood bank wasn't enough. In the end, she was brought to our hospital. Luckily, she was brought in in time; if she had been a little later..."
Li Fan shook his head, speechless for a moment. After a long while, he finally spoke: "The hospital called me, and I rushed back from Xi'an... My colleagues in the obstetrics and gynecology department told me that her uterus suffered irreversible damage, and that she probably... she might never be able to..."
Li Fan choked up a little. He turned around excitedly, his back to me, and took deep drags on his cigarette. I stood behind him, watching him silently. These past two days had probably been tough for this man. He was noticeably thinner, his eyes were dark-rimmed, and his face was covered in stubble. He was nothing like the cheerful, dashing man who used to be so popular with girls.
“This morning, Xiao Ke woke up,” Li Fan continued. “She’s a medical student, so she knew immediately what had happened. She cried and hugged me, saying she was terrified and asking if I still wanted her…”
Hearing these words, my heart was breaking! I never imagined that my momentary lapse in judgment, blinded by lust that night, would lead to such consequences! Without thinking, I immediately told Lifan, "If you really don't want her, I will! Go live with Liu Zhen. I don't care if Xiao Ke can have children; I've always been indifferent to such things. Besides, to be honest, perhaps the responsibility for this lies with me..."
Li Fan gave a bitter laugh and said to me, "Brother, if I leave her, would I still be a man? At worst, I can adopt someone when I want one later. I will have to take responsibility for the mistakes I've made. Don't worry, even if it's really because of you, I won't blame you at all."
I couldn't help but ask, "Why?"
“These past two days, I’ve thought about it for a long time, and I’ve finally figured it out.” Li Fan stared into the distance and said slowly, “We—no! Everything I did may have been wrong from the very beginning. Because it violated two fundamental laws of life. The first law is: every cause has an effect. I only thought about the beginning and never about the outcome. But everything has a cause and effect. This matter started because of me, so I should naturally bear the consequences.”
"And the second one?"
Li Fan smiled bitterly and said, "The second rule is: you can't have everything. I originally thought that indulging in sexual desire wasn't a big deal. Indeed, indulging in desire isn't a heinous crime. But if you gain physical pleasure, you will inevitably lose something else, more or less! — However, I didn't expect that what I lost would be so devastating!"
I was speechless. Everything I heard and saw this morning was like a bolt from the blue! I had thought I had lost so much, that I had reached the very bottom of my life! But after hearing Lifan's words, I realized that I, or perhaps Lifan, Xiaoke, and even my wife, were all caught in the same whirlpool of life, a whirlpool that continued to pull us deeper and deeper…
I looked at the man before me, and he looked back at me silently. I had always hated him—his hypocrisy, his cunning, his irresponsible act of arousing his wife's latent desires, turning her from an innocent wife into a lustful beast! I had imagined countless ways to kill this man! But I never imagined that when I stood before him, it would be like this!
We remained silent. Just then, a nurse ran over and told Lifan: Xiao Ke has woken up.
We headed straight for the ward. As we neared the door, Lifan stopped, hesitated, and said to me, "This... I'm sorry, I feel it's a bit... I'm worried that Xiaoke's emotions are too volatile, and her body can't handle the stress. Perhaps you could come back when she's feeling better?"
I thought about it and realized he had a point, so I said, "Okay, I won't go in. Take good care of Xiao Ke. If you have the chance, please tell her I'm sorry for me."
Li Fan's eyes were a little red. He said, "I'm the one who should apologize. I'm the one who hurt Liu Zhen and dragged you all down with me!" After saying that, he bowed deeply to me.
"Please take good care of Liu Zhen and don't let another woman get hurt," Li Fan pleaded in his final words.
I shrugged and said coldly, "This is my family matter, it's none of your business."
I walked past Xiao Ke's ward, unhurriedly, like a passerby. As I passed the door, I glanced inside and vaguely saw a girl in a white hospital gown, leaning against the bed. I didn't see her clearly, and I didn't know if she saw me... I just walked past with my head down, never looking back.
Around noon, I returned to the office and handed my resignation letter to my chubby boss. I also told him that Lifan had already butchered that turtle and was stewing it deliciously!
As I left my workplace, I suddenly received a text message. I opened it and saw it was from Xiao Ke. It contained only two simple words: Goodbye—just that simple, without even a punctuation mark.

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"Seirin Michi no Yu" - (18)

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