Rediscovering First Love (Sisters)

I rise early to sweep and clean the courtyard. This has been a habit I've cultivated for many years. However, this bright weekend morning, as I looked at my sleeping husband behind me, I was overwhelmed with emotion. I no longer remember how I fell asleep from exhaustion last night, but the scenes from before, like a movie, are vividly imprinted in my mind. My emotions are difficult to calm now. I find it hard to believe that the wanton, unrestrained, and licentious woman from last night was me, your wife, Chu Tianyu. I am lost in confusion…
I have always been a beautiful woman, both inside and out. While I may not possess the talents of a master of music, chess, calligraphy, and painting, nor the stunning beauty to captivate a nation, I do have a devilish figure and intelligent eyes. Moreover, in this materialistic world, I have never been a money-grubbing woman. I have always believed that women should be proud and indifferent when facing money. Therefore, I choose what I love, and I love what I choose. And from the bottom of my heart, I have always felt very happy, with a fulfilling family and career.
Unexpected events can happen at any time, and misfortune can strike at any moment. A car accident a year ago, while miraculously surviving, resulted in brain damage and the loss of several years' worth of memories, leaving cracks in my memory. I still remember things from long ago, but events from recent years are blurry. However, the fact that I survived such a calamity unscathed makes me feel less like a woman with a tragic fate. On the contrary, I feel I should learn to be grateful. For the past year or so, I've relied on my husband's subtle hints to gradually adapt to my environment and rediscover myself.
But through his patient guidance, I've discovered that I'm surprisingly sexually open. Whether Tianyu's hints have their own purpose or are simply an inherent part of me, I always find myself indulging in that atmosphere, unable to control my body, ultimately succumbing to lust. But in my memory, I was a girl with very strict upbringing in my early years. My parents forbade me from dating during junior and senior high school. I met Chu Tianyu in college, which was my first love. From acquaintance to marriage, I don't recall anything out of the ordinary. I can't think of anything unexpected. Could it be that I selectively lost memories of certain periods? No, I still believe that I was chaste during that time. Although I lost my virginity to Tianyu before marriage, it was willingly given.
Of course, this is only my remaining memory. Maybe something really happened in those lost memories? Thinking about this gives me a headache. Lately, during sex, or rather after sexual activity, I sometimes question myself afterwards. While I feel some mental resistance, I can't resist physically. I resist my instincts, I resist my husband, so I have no choice but to follow my body's feelings, the footsteps of my desires, and submit to my husband, continuing the madness. In the past few days, I found my long-lost old diary in a hidden drawer. Perhaps this is another shortcut for me to regain my memories and return to myself, I don't know. But I didn't tell my husband, Tianyu, about the diary.
I went to the study and saw a Sony DV camera on the bookshelf, placed on top of a book. I recognized the cover; it was Li Yinhe's "Sadomasochistic Subculture," a book my husband had recommended to me. I remember a philosopher once said: sweet love can easily turn into sadomasochism under the drive of desire.
Now, recalling last night's frenzy, Tianyu and the others did indeed take this DV camera and film it. I only remember someone taking the DV camera; later, I was immersed in lust and didn't pay attention to the details—who held the DV, who was the main character, or whether the DV was on the stand and everyone was a character. I didn't know; during that time, I was just instinctively seeking my own pleasure.
I turned on the DV camera, and a lewd scene immediately appeared: a woman, almost completely naked, wearing black sheer fishnet stockings and a sadomasochistic collar, crawled like a female dog, led into the bedroom by Tianyu. From the DV's angle, her smile was lewd and beautiful, enough to bewitch any man's heart. Her snow-white buttocks and breasts gleamed brightly under the DV screen, alluring and seductive. The camera zoomed in, revealing her smooth, delicate skin, revealing the charm of a woman who had been touched by a man. Turning around, I saw a tail-shaped vibrator inserted into her anus in the back view, with faint red finger marks on her plump, snowy buttocks... (I fast-forwarded the DV; the lewd woman was none other than myself. This scene was incredibly embarrassing.)
I was sandwiched between Tianyu and another familiar figure...
passionate lips were kissing, wandering hands were touching, colorful hair was swaying in the air, the atmosphere of desire was so heavy. Those two familiar yet unfamiliar faces moved up and down, devouring my body, every inch of my skin…
Two enormous penises occupied my two cavities, relentlessly thrusting like pistons. My long hair was suddenly pulled up from behind by Tianyu, my body twisting inexplicably…
I could feel myself trembling on the screen.
This must be what Tianyu often called, "Double Dragons Plucking the Phoenix," I thought, turning off the DV. I felt a pang of loss.
Was this the love I had always wanted?
My soul was adrift, my emotions scattered, lost and uncertain.
I couldn't find the answer.
Seeing that my husband was still asleep, I figured he'd be sleeping for a long time. After a while, I went to the desk in the study, pulled out the old diary I had just found to pour out my heart, and casually flipped through it. I had kept the habit of writing a diary for many years, and even when I couldn't find this old diary, I took out a new one to continue my diary. I am very grateful to my husband, Tianyu. The reason I have this habit of keeping a diary is that he gave me a certain space, allowing me to preserve a lush and flourishing oasis in the depths of my heart, besides our intimate moments together.
July 2nd
The weather was very hot and humid today, and the open classes were very boring. Every class was so crowded, and I was sitting in the back row, so I couldn't hear what the teacher was saying at all. And that teacher's voice was so soft; how could the students in the back hear anything? There was an empty seat after a classmate left, and my classmate called me over, but a guy in a blue jacket with slicked-back hair snatched it. That arrogant guy was not gentlemanly at all; he didn't even offer his seat to a female student. I despise him, strongly despise him!
When I argued with him, he actually said I was being silly and told me to stop bothering him. It's so infuriating! That despicable guy! I'll remember him. I'm a student council member, after all; I'll make sure he doesn't get into trouble with me again. I definitely won't let him get away with it.
July 9th
Although I'm a key member of the student council, the literary society has always been a school club I wanted to join. Being able to publish some of my articles in the school magazine would be a real honor, and it would make me look good in front of all the girls flirting with boys. It's not that I'm single because no one wants me; it's just that I'm too sophisticated for the average guy. Ordinary men simply don't meet my standards.
But today, while submitting my work to the literary society, I ran into him again—that wretched Chu Tianyu! He was still wearing that tattered blue jacket, collar turned up—his attire was so strange. I never imagined that the suave guy I clashed with the other day would be the vice president! What an arrogant air! It's so frustrating that he had to review my manuscript. Looks like he's going to settle a personal score. Alas, heaven is jealous of talent.
July 13th
Today, that arrogant Chu Tianyu came to my class and told me that my work, "The Little Mermaid," had been selected for the 15th issue of the school's literary society magazine, *Luyuan*. He also said he really liked the sad story I created in the poem. He even read me the part that moved him: "
How could I bear
to use my sisters' knives
to cut open your chest
, just to get a drop of your heart's blood?"
That drop of blood could transform a fishtail into legs
and make you fall in love with my blood.
So,
before you wake up,
I turned into a beautiful bubble in the sunlight…
smiling without regret ,
leaving sadly.
He read it with great emotion, even showing some sadness. It was unexpected that this arrogant and aloof man still had some humanity. Perhaps it was because I was far away from him, and I had some prejudice? Hehe. I really don't know, but at this moment, I felt that this boy in my heart was becoming more amiable, not so arrogant.
July 19th.
Although school was on holiday, many students stayed at school instead of going home. Their studies and extracurricular life were still very rich. Today, the grade even organized a summer basketball tournament. Chu Tianyu didn't go home either. It's unexpected that he, who is always so refined and cultured, actually likes basketball. Hehe. He came to find me, wanting me to be a cheerleader for his friends and family. I was actually a little shy. Xiao Mei always teases me, saying that we're having an affair. That brat, she's getting more and more talkative now.
Seeing him dribble and shoot a layup on the basketball court was really cool. When he broke through and scored, I couldn't help but shout, "Chu Tianyu, go!" This made the boys on the other side turn and look at me, some even whistling. It was so embarrassing. That Chu Tianyu even looked smug; he's so mean.
July 28th
It's good to be on vacation; more time for myself, more time to do things I like. I did laundry, and spent half the day in the library reading foreign classics.
After lunch today, I walked back to my dorm and saw Chu Tianyu. He and Xiaomei were chatting intimately in the pavilion next to the dorm area on campus. Watching them laughing and talking from a distance, I felt really uncomfortable. Were they on a date? I wanted to go and catch them in the act, but then I thought about how we weren't really that close, so I decided to let it be. That Chu Tianyu is such a womanizer. They did this; I'm a little sad. Even though she's my best girlfriend and the guy I like, how could they do this?
Back in my dorm, after much deliberation, I made up my mind to never speak to that arrogant guy again. He must have seduced Xiaomei. I know Xiaomei's temperament well; she wouldn't steal someone's love, she's just straightforward and kind. She's nothing like those city girls in our class who are always comparing their clothes. If Xiaomei really likes him, I can't even imagine what will happen. Well, then I'll back off; at least I'll still have a friend. Sigh, my life has returned to normal. Sigh, flowers wither and fall, fragrance fades and beauty dies—who will pity them? Waaah…
July 29th
The misunderstanding is cleared up. The weather is still so sunny today. It turns out Chu Tianyu secretly contacted my roommate Xiaomei to find out about me—what hobbies I have besides literature, what I like, whether I like snacks, and even my birthday. This guy really has the nerve to ask. Sigh, unbelievable. It's only because Xiaomei has a good impression of him that she wouldn't have told him. That girl Xiaomei betrayed the organization! Waaah.
Xiaomei came back and teased me again.
September 6th
. School recently started, but everyone is still immersed in the holiday atmosphere and hasn't regained their sense of tension.
Today is the weekend, and there's a student-themed dance party tonight – "Please Come With Me." There were indeed many people there; many girls came directly at the boys' invitations, and even those who were alone quickly found dance partners. I, however, was alone, left aside by my roommate Xiaomei, all by myself. Perhaps it was because I was used to being bossy in the student council that the boys seemed somewhat afraid of me? Nobody paid any attention to me.
Then I saw him again, Chu Tianyu. He was still the same as always, with a carefree and relaxed air.
He slowly walked over and softly said to me: "I'll put aside my arrogance, and you put aside your prejudice. If you're willing, please come with me."
I slowly reached out my hand…
Music started playing at the perfect moment, and the familiar, magnetic voices of Su Rui and Yu Kanping immediately touched my heart: "
I keep my unchanging steps to match your arrival; in your moment of panic and hesitation, please come with me…
I carry a dreamlike anticipation, an irrepressible emotion; when you're not looking, please come with me…"
The lyrics were so beautiful, truly like a scene from a monologue for our unexpected reunion. In the flickering lights of the crowd, I held his hand, clearly feeling his heartbeat and nervousness. Even his hand was trembling slightly. How could he be so nervous? I was puzzled; it really wasn't like the composed Chu Tianyu I knew. Could it be…? My face flushed, but my heart was filled with sweetness.
September 12th.
Today was the weekend, and at his suggestion, we went to the park to see the crape myrtle flowers.
Along the way, the weather was pleasant, and holding him felt warm and safe. I truly wished I could be with him every day. As the poem says: "If love between two people lasts forever, why should they be together day and night?" I believe that for love to last, two people must be together every day.
The crape myrtle flowers in the park were in full bloom. Tianyu looked at the flowers with delight, then at me, and then told me with a serious face: "The crape myrtle, this beautiful plant, blooms continuously from July to October every year, hence its name 'Hundred Days Red,' also called 'Full House Red.' It prefers sunlight and drought, but dislikes waterlogging. It can also be used in medicine, with the functions of promoting blood circulation, stopping bleeding, detoxifying, and reducing swelling. Poets in the Song and Ming dynasties even wrote poems praising it..."
I looked at him quietly like a little lamb, listening to every word he said. His voice was so pleasant, and I loved everything he said in a gentle and detailed way. He was truly knowledgeable, which filled me with admiration. You know, there aren't many people in school whom I can admire.
He also said to me so softly: "The crape myrtle's love of blooming beautifully in the sunlight is very much like you, you know? When I saw you cheering for me at that basketball game, I felt that all I saw in the crowd was your shy face, and that's when I fell in love with you."
Tianyu even recited a poem to me, a metaphor for the crape myrtle blossoms: "
Autumn comes and summer goes, displaying verdant splendor, a hundred days of crimson intoxicating the wine shop.
All my life I've delighted in the blazing sun, who can surpass her in elegance or vulgarity?"
Tianyu's eyes remained fixed on me, her lips drawing ever closer. A jolt of electricity washed over me, and I gave her my first kiss…
I knew I was in love. I loved this genuine feeling, of existing for love.
I turned the first few pages, looked up, pondered for a moment, and sighed softly. Ah, that was me six or seven years ago in college. How innocent and romantic I was then, the innocent shyness of a young girl so clear and obvious. Completely different from who I am now, the difference is incomparable. What happened in between? I couldn't answer, so I continued to lower my head and flip through the diary…
I turned a few more pages, trying to find the period after Chu Tianyu and I had confirmed our relationship, but unintentionally saw an entire page with only one poem: "Who says there is joy in the bedroom, turning clouds and rain, soaring to the heavens."
Drunk and utterly dejected, he roared hoarsely, like a dragon's cry and a phoenix's panting, echoing across the western bay.
This isn't a poem I wrote; it must have been written by Yu and me sometime back then, after we made love. I honestly can't remember exactly, but I memorized it then, probably because I thought it sounded catchy. I hope that seeing this poem again someday will bring back my youthful naiveté. That naughty boy, writing such nonsensical and frivolous poems, yet they have a certain charm…
Just as I was about to turn to the next page, the phone on the table rang. I knew Tianyu would wake up immediately after hearing it, so I put the diary back in the drawer and went to do the housework of cleaning and making breakfast. The call was for Tianyu. He answered the phone and, in a greasy manner, came to my side and kissed me, asking me to go out with him today. Since I had nothing planned for the day, I agreed. After breakfast, Tianyu was dressed more appropriately than usual. When I put on my usual tight-fitting short skirt, Tianyu hugged me again, and after a series of intimate moments, he even untied my lace-up underwear. I wanted to take it back, but then I heard him softly say, "Wife, for my sake, can you stay cool today?"
I hesitated for a moment, and then surprisingly agreed…
******************************************
Author's Note: I originally intended to write a short story, but once the idea was on paper, it became difficult to control. Dear judges, if you find any flaws in the plot logic, I can only hope you use your imagination. Hehe, giving a low score will dampen my enthusiasm for updating! Just kidding, hehe. Come on 　　, 　　bring 　　it on 　　.
********** 　　... Even with partial amnesia, I could still feel this affection. His eyes, the tone of his voice—everything made me realize I was the most important person in his life. But people are always curious. Isn't there a movie called *Curiosity Kills the Cat*? Could I be that cat? I 　　guess I'm much prettier than a cat, so I should be luckier. The rain shower outside the window had passed, and the weather had cleared up a bit. I could see the afterglow of the setting sun, shining obliquely through the window into the room, making the floor a beautiful reddish hue. I noticed 　　the recycle bin icon wasn't empty, so I opened it and found a folder named "My Beloved Wife's Files." What a strange name. I restored the folder, then found the address, opened the folder, only to find it empty. 　　There are so many things I don't know about this timeline. My head started to ache from thinking. 　　On the table was a framed photo of me and Tianyu from years ago, a picture of me, pure and proud, and Tianyu, dashing and handsome. I stared blankly at the photo, seemingly not really concerned about what was happening in this time and space, but I always felt I needed to be patient and prepare to face another or several versions of myself. 　　Time seemed to freeze again, awaiting my scrutiny. 　　September 25th 　　Two new roommates moved into the dorm, also from the same year, Wang Ling and Gu Yan. They were quite enthusiastic towards Xiao Mei and me, and Xiao Mei got along well with them, but sometimes seeing them with heavy makeup, and occasionally seeing some shady-looking boys coming over to them, made me feel a bit like we were from different worlds. 　　Anyway, we all got along well, and sometimes they even treated Xiao Mei to meals. I usually don't go when they invite me. I always feel that they are the kind of girls who love vanity, completely different from me. I asked Xiao Mei about it, and she looked innocent: "They invited you to dinner, and you wouldn't give them face? We're not some high-ranking official, haha." 　　That brat, mocking me again. 　　September 28th 　　I've been really busy lately, and I haven't been able to write in my diary every day, so I've just been writing down my thoughts when I have free time. 　　I've been in a really good mood lately. As I've started to make a name for myself in the student council, my opportunities to be in front of so many students have suddenly increased. And now, some new guys are even pursuing me! I occasionally receive flowers and love letters—these clichés—which I usually ignore, but I always politely decline to avoid hurting the feelings of those young boys just starting to experience love. After all, I already have someone I like. 　　But a guy I saw at the literature club last time brazenly spoke to me in the hallway. I guess he was the one who gave me the flowers. Today, he bluntly told me he knows about me and Chu Tianyu, but he's willing to settle for second best, saying that if I ever break up with someone, he'll be my first choice. What a jinx! Even if I break up with someone, I won't consider a guy like that. He's still immature! You know, 　　relationships between older women and younger men aren't common these days. But he's quite handsome. I vaguely remember him; I think Wang Ling and Gu Yan were close to him when they met up with someone before coming to our dorm. I think I saw him before. Xiao Mei mentioned that his name is Xiao Keyong. I heard his family is very well-off; he often treats other classmates to meals. No wonder Wang Ling and Gu Yan always hang out together. 　　Tianyu's feelings for me are also growing stronger every day. His evaluations of girls are very mature: beautiful, cute, full of spirit—he uses a whole bunch of metaphors. He even said I belong to the type who possess both beauty and spirit, a rare gem in the world. This is practically imperialist sugar-coated bullets, but I like hearing it, hehe. 　　October 4th 　　I recently had a holiday, went home for two days, and rushed back; I still have some things to take care of at school. 　　Every now and then, he surprises me with some simple yet meaningful little gifts. Today he gave me a crystal apple, saying it represents our love, as transparent as crystal and as sweet as an apple. He's really something! Today, Tianyu tried to get closer to me, even touching my body. At first, I didn't refuse, but then he went too far and tried to… I had a strange feeling. I pushed Tianyu away and slapped him. I was a little surprised by my own reaction, even though I didn't hit him hard. He was still a bit taken aback, and then he said to me tenderly, "Yatong, I love you. I won't force you to do anything. I will respect your choices and wait until you are willing to give yourself to me." (My full name is Mu Yatong, don't peek into my diary!) 　　Actually, I usually dress simply, but I like to wear some nice new clothes occasionally. However, I don't buy those ridiculously expensive clothes. I just find clothes that suit me. Even with ordinary jeans, I can look like a Miss Hong Kong. I can't help it, I'm naturally beautiful. Dressing elegantly to see Tianyu makes him feel good too. 　　Although my relationship with Tianyu seems to be official, I'm still quite reserved and don't want to cling to him all the time. I know guys like him don't like girls who are always following them around. Plus, with studies and student council work, we only date about once a week. 　　Today, I was happy to receive a gift and on a whim, I wrote a little poem: "The first blossoms of spring are jealous of its beauty, a single apricot branch intoxicates the Chu and Xiang rivers. 　　Even with three thousand armors, her delicate face is only for one person." 　　This is for you, Tianyu! 　　I'll show it to you later. 　　October 9th. 　　Today, I put my diary on the table again, marking it before Tianyu came. Afterwards, I wasn't near the diary, but I never noticed the mark changed. At least in this respect, I think Tianyu is worthy of my love; he respects my wishes and privacy.

Who in this world doesn't have some privacy? I do.
October 14th
Lately, there's been so much going on in the student council. As the publicity minister, I'm practically dying of busyness. Looking closely, the activities I can look forward to are those related to the literature club. As for the joint activities with the photography club and the English club, I have the energy but no interest. Sigh, I don't like those activities either, but the boss insists I be the liaison officer. What a waste of energy! Last time, I almost failed one of my advanced math courses, so embarrassing. Maybe Mr. Li, the math teacher, gave me a break. That young man is quite handsome, just got married, and always jokes
with me when he sees me, calling me "Minister this" and "Minister that," not at all like a teacher. But even if he's handsome, he can't compare to my Tianyu. Hehe. Today at lunch with Tianyu, he mentioned Xiao Keyong to me. He's a member of the literature club, his published works are quite immature, but he's a very sincere person, unlike the materialistic person I used to think he was after Gu Yan and Wang Ling. Although Tianyu seemed to know about Xiao Keyong sending me flowers, he thought it was between him and me and he wouldn't interfere. He pretended to be easygoing with me again.
Back in the dorm, coincidentally, Xiaomei secretly told me that Xiao Keyong's approach to Gu Yan and Wang Ling seemed to be because he could occasionally see me when he went to see them. Gu Yan seemed quite unhappy about this, and it seemed she had a crush on Xiao Keyong.
Actually, I didn't have any prejudice against Gu Yan and Wang Ling, but lately they've been going to those dance halls and bars outside the school a lot. I heard it's really chaotic there. They're indulging themselves, and if something happens to them, I don't want to see it happen from any perspective.
October 17th
Today, for some reason, it started raining when I came out after class. This is really rare in our city at this time of year. I was taking shelter from the rain in front of the teaching building when I heard someone call me "Sister Tong." I turned around and saw Xiao Keyong coming over with an umbrella. He walked up to me and asked if I needed it. I told him the rain would lessen soon, and then we could go. He actually dropped the umbrella and ran off! This little boy can be quite cute sometimes. Hehe.
October 30th.
Today, the weather is nice. Tianyu asked me to go out. He has an aunt in this city who lives in a beautiful villa, probably in a wealthy area. I never knew Tianyu had such a rich aunt. Oh well, it's not my money.
Tianyu said we should go to his aunt's house for a while; we can't always just go for walks and movies. Hehe.
When we got there, I found a birthday cake on the table. I was a little confused. I hadn't asked Tianyu who had a birthday today. Was it his aunt's?
Tianyu smiled and said it was his own birthday. Although he didn't mind me asking, I still felt a little ashamed. Hehe, I don't usually try to please others.
This cake is really hard to find around the school. The cream is rich and fragrant, the sweetness is just right, smooth and not greasy. I actually ate three pieces, haha.
After eating the cake, Tianyu came over and gently said to me: Tong, do you love me? Before I could even wipe the cream from my mouth, I replied without hesitation: I love you! And do you love me?
Of course, I love you deeply, all the time, this feeling even torments me a little. Tianyu looked into my eyes and said firmly.
Then don't torment yourself, you'll get hurt. I looked at him gently with a playful smile.
If you're willing, then let me get hurt, I can love everything about you. No matter what happens, even if the world changes, even if you...
even if I'm no longer beautiful? Or even if I become a man, you'll still love me? I asked mischievously.
Yes. Tianyu said firmly again, you naughty girl, how dare you...
He kissed me passionately, making my body go numb. I fell back onto the sofa, my ears, my neck, one after another, each time my skin was conquered, subjected to his passionate and somewhat rough invasion. I wanted to resist, but I was conquered by a force so powerful that it left me utterly defeated. For some reason, this feeling of being raped somehow intoxicated me. Perhaps Tianyu was too gentle last time? That's why I didn't agree? I don't know.
But today, I've definitely lost, utterly lost.
Today is his birthday. Should I give it to him? Before I could even figure it out, I was already only wearing a bra and panties.
He suddenly stopped, then took a deep breath near my neck, and looked up at me with passionate eyes.
"Yatong, your body has a natural fragrance. I couldn't control myself. I didn't hurt you, did I?
" I felt my cheeks flush. I shifted slightly.
Tianyu looked at my naked body with a dazed, intoxicated expression. "
You're so beautiful. Your body is a work of art. I'm going to collect and possess it, okay?"
I, I, then you… I was momentarily speechless with shyness.
"Alright, as long as you can live with yourself, I'll give myself to you today." I declared as if I were going to my execution. I was somewhat bewildered. I didn't know if I'd made the right choice.
A golden spear
was piercing my body,
slowly seeping into my soul…
I felt pain, which intensified with each passing moment. I gritted my teeth, uttering not a sound. With a sudden burst of force, I let out an involuntary groan. The power was so unexpected; I felt ashamed of my slightly satisfied sound. I experienced joy amidst hesitation and contradiction. Then, in wave after wave of the tide, I gradually felt the seawater's joy in receiving the sun's warmth—warm and sweet.
Tears welled up again in my already moist eyes, but this time they were different.
Just as the sun's warmth was unbearably pleasant, a sudden, rapid storm swept in. I wandered in the rain, raindrops pounding against my skin. The sky and sea merged, and streaks of crimson fell, staining the sea red…
I soared over mountain peaks, soared over the sea, and flew towards the sun that could burn itself.
Flying to the other side of the chains of fantasy…
After a long while, I opened my eyes and looked at him, just after his climax. He was looking at me tenderly. "
First encounter with the fragrance of clouds and rain, jade body lying prone, intoxicated by the Nine Rivers.
For the beauty of many faces reflected in the sun, before Plum Blossom Manor, a storm of gunfire."
Tianyu read it aloud word by word, without hesitation. "
You naughty boy, writing another lewd poem." "Well, 'before Plum Blossom Manor,' I'll take your line."
I lowered my head and pondered for a moment, then softly said: "Plum trees are planted before Plum Blossom Manor, proud plum blossoms bloom on the plum trees.
Gently pluck the plum blossoms to make three variations, a single bloom in the snow for you to pick.
" "You said three variations, oh, here I come…"
Tianyu pounced on me again. "Waaah, I fainted."
It was quite interesting; back then, although our original poetry skills were limited, they were still naturally flowing, immature works.
I stared blankly at my old sex diary from my youth, overwhelmed with emotion. How wonderful, how pure and innocent that age was! At that moment, I felt no shame for losing my virginity before marriage; instead, a blissful shyness welled up inside me—a feeling I hadn't experienced in a long time…
Looking at the yellowed handwriting in the old diary, I felt as if I had returned to that vibrant and youthful time. Those busy days, those fulfilling days. My life goals seemed so ambitious then, unlike now, where the sharp edges of youth are long gone, replaced by a calm acceptance of whatever comes my way.
Just then, the phone rang. I slowly answered: "Honey, are you free tonight? Tonight…" Then, hesitating, I said, "Come with me to a party, lots of friends. We can have dinner together." "
No, Tianyu, I have a bit of a headache today. I think being alone for a while might help." "
Then I'll take my secretary, Xiaoling. Don't you dare…" Tianyu said with a laugh. "
It's okay, you guys go ahead. I… I believe you… I believe you'd be in big trouble if you kept anything from me." I gritted my teeth, forcing out the words. "
Seriously? In this peaceful and prosperous country, terrorism is on the rise again?" Tianyu grinned. "
Go ahead, come back early, and be careful." My voice softened again.
It was indeed past mealtime, so I prepared something for myself: a fruit salad and some nutritional powder. I usually don't eat much at night. Although I didn't have a great appetite, I still devoured the food I'd prepared. I should continue reading my diary.
The phone rang again; it was Tianyu again. "I already told you I wasn't coming, I've already eaten..." I mumbled, trying to avoid her, while fiddling with the diary in my hands. "
Honey, something's happened here. I'm in room 521 of the Royal City International Hotel. Could you come over? I won't say much more..." *Beep, beep* Before I could finish a sentence, the call ended. All that remained was a busy tone, and I could hear the crisp sound of a glass or bottle shattering.
What happened? I wondered, but couldn't figure it out. I should go quickly. I hurriedly put the diary into my purse, quickly dressed, and ran out the door. I hailed a taxi and headed straight for the Royal City International Hotel.
The whole way, I was frantic, my vision even blurring. A sense of foreboding enveloped me, a feeling that gripped my heart, as if a part of me was about to leave me. I dialed Tianyu's phone again, but it was switched off. I grew even more anxious, repeatedly urging the driver to go faster. Seeing my furrowed brows and anxious expression, the driver sensed something important might be happening, and though composed, he accelerated.
I rushed into the hotel lobby, ran to the elevator, and repeatedly pressed the elevator's sensor button. I watched the numbers slowly change from 21 to 1. Finally, the elevator arrived. Before the doors even reached the edge, I squeezed in, quickly pressed the sensor-activated close button, and then pressed the 5th floor. That wretched elevator actually went down to the basement! My heart was pounding. I took a deep breath and told myself, "What's meant to be will be. Bring it on, I'm not afraid of anyone..."
The elevator finally reached the fifth floor. Before the doors had even fully opened, I squeezed out again, looked up to check the room number, and silently repeated to myself: 521, 521, 521. These numbers sound so catchy. No time to think. I finally spotted room 521 in the corner. Reaching the door, I felt a little nervous. It was a corner, and the light was dim. I mustered my courage and knocked with more force, not wanting to lose in terms of momentum.
The door wasn't locked, and it slowly slid open with the force of my knock. It was dark inside.
The keypad next to the door, the ID card slot, was empty. Utter silence. I could hear my own rapid breathing. "
Is anyone home? Is anyone home?" I started to wonder if I'd fallen into a trap. Had my husband been kidnapped? Or was there some kind of corpse inside? My mind was instantly filled with all sorts of guesses.
Then, it seemed there was another room on the side, and a will-o'-the-wisp-like light slowly slid towards us.
I took a step forward and asked again, "Is anyone there?" I was a little scared.
Just then, I saw two people pushing a cake cart covered in candles, sliding out from around the corner. "
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…"
The power had been turned on somehow, and many people suddenly appeared from all around. Most of them were my and Tianyu's friends, like that acquaintance who was with Tianyu that day… They sang and smiled at me.
I saw the ground behind me covered in red roses, vibrant and beautiful, with what looked like glistening dewdrops.
One of them was Tianyu. He slowly walked over: "Wife, you forgot, today is your birthday. Happy birthday!" I burst into tears of joy. I rushed forward and hugged Tianyu tightly. The grievances from my earlier worry and the unexpected joy now melted into pear blossoms, wetting Tianyu's shoulders.
Seeing all this, Tianyu nodded his thanks to the people around him, and his friends tactfully withdrew from the room and left the hotel. They seemed a little surprised by my behavior, but Tianyu had always treated them well, so they were all gone in no time.
Tianyu gently kissed my still-prickly cheeks, and I said to him, a little aggrieved, "Don't do that again." He nodded seriously, "You forgot it's your birthday today. I wanted to give you a surprise. The candles aren't out yet, make a wish." I closed my eyes
to the candles, and a blessing and prayer arose in my mind. I opened my eyes and blew out the candles. "
Let's take a bath, honey, let's have a romantic bath together." I nodded. I took off my clothes and went into the bathroom. The bathroom was quite large; Tianyu had already filled it with water. I stepped into the round bathtub. I leaned against the side of the large tub with my eyes closed. "
Honey, you're enjoying yourself. Remember that exhibitionist game we played at this hotel last time?"
"You rascal, how dare you say that?" I muttered...
The bubbles in the bathtub were vibrant and beautiful, each one reflecting the light with its own unique colors, as if each one held a story within it.
I squinted at these beautiful bubbles, and it seemed as if one of them was playing a replay of my spectacular performance in that exposure game a few months ago...
************
Chapter 3 Exposure Mystery
I squinted at these beautiful bubbles, and it seemed as if one of them was playing a replay of my spectacular performance in that exposure game a few months ago...
In the warm bathtub of the hotel VIP suite, I felt the undercurrent of heat, and the hazy steam filled my vision, mingling with the colorful bubbles under the light, transporting me back to that time and space a few months ago... "
Wife, you, the Venus of yesteryear, dare to play a game of courage with me today? I bet you'll lose." Tianyu said to me in the bathtub of room 318 at the Royal City International Hotel, after I had just finished bathing. "
Tch, let's see how it goes. You tell me, how do we play?" I raised my head dismissively. "
Hmm, looks like your exposure threshold is pretty high now. I'll tell you later. Now I want you to come with me wearing only a trench coat. How about it, dare you?"
I glanced sideways at the bathroom mirror and saw a voluptuous woman with large breasts and a curvaceous bottom walking out of the bathroom naked and with composure. The oversized trench coat in the closet was my favorite purplish-red. It drew a graceful arc in the air with the force of my arm before fitting snugly onto my body, perfectly fitting.
"That's it? Can we go now?" I asked Tianyu after tying the laces of my crystal high heels. "
Hehe, okay, okay, you've got guts." Tianyu grinned mischievously. We took the elevator to the 21st floor, and then I followed Tianyu into the fire escape a short distance away. The lights here started illuminating as we walked. "
The rules of the game are this: you give me your clothes now, then go down to the 2nd floor through the fire escape. I'll put the clothes on the windowsill at the corner of the corridor, and then you go back to room 213. But there's a condition: remember you only have twenty minutes. You can keep your phone. If you call me, or someone else brings you here..." Tianyu couldn't help but chuckle. "Then you lose.
Oh, I forgot to tell you, there are security cameras in the corridor and elevator, so when no one's around, try to hurry. Maybe the security guards in the monitoring room haven't noticed you yet, haha." "
Okay, now I'm keeping this dress. Take it off."
I reluctantly took off my clothes and handed them to Tianyu. Although I vaguely remembered exposing my body in public more than once before, the memory was hazy. Only the thrill of exposing myself and the resulting heart-pounding excitement kept me going.
My body was still trembling; being naked in an unfamiliar environment was still nerve-wracking. But Tianyu, having received the clothes, had already disappeared into the elevator a short distance away like a rabbit. I checked my watch, then steeled myself and headed down the fire escape stairs…
To be honest, I was terrified. There was definitely someone in the fire escape at this hour.
I could hear my own heart pounding and the sound of my crystal high heels echoing each other.
Surprisingly, the first few flights of stairs went quite smoothly. Most of the fire escape doors were closed, and although they were only separated from the outside corridor by a wall, it seemed quite safe since no one was paying attention. Just as I was about to pass a door on a floor, I heard two men's voices coming from the half-open door: "Mr. Liu, your matter is easy to handle. Do you have any more cigarettes?" My sister-in-law was inside, so I felt awkward smoking.
Before I could finish speaking, the sound of footsteps approached the fire escape doorway.
A chill ran down my spine. Naked, alluringly naked, I quickened my pace, rushing down the stairs.
The sound of high heels, combined with my hurried steps, immediately attracted the attention of the man in the corridor outside the fire escape. I couldn't care less about what was happening upstairs; I just kept rushing down the stairs. Suddenly, I felt a gaze fixed down the stairs… I think
I just saw a woman walking down the stairs naked, her buttocks bare. Lately, I seem to be having hallucinations; I need to see a doctor sometime.
"Heh, I think so too." Clear conversation came from up the stairs.
I chuckled inwardly, letting out a sigh of relief. "
Damn it, that damn Tianyu. Trying to kill me!"
I cursed under my breath, looking at the small mountain of construction materials piled up on the fifth-floor fire escape platform.
This pile of materials completely blocked the stairs; someone was probably doing renovations on this floor and had temporarily placed it there. That damned Tianyu, he's so wicked, he must have known beforehand.
I went back upstairs and quietly walked to the fire escape door. I slowly pushed open the door and found the corridor unusually quiet; the elevator was just a few meters away.
Looks like I'm not going to die yet, huh? I tiptoed to the elevator door and quickly pressed the sensor button.
I anxiously glanced at the number lights, and after a short while, one of the elevator doors opened, and I slipped inside.
Once inside, I hesitated—should I go down two floors or go straight to the bottom? It's only the 11th floor! Damn it, I'll just go for it. I pressed the number 3 and then quickly pressed the close button.
Ah, there really is a camera inside the elevator. I leaned against the elevator wall, trying to keep my head down.
Watching the numbers slowly change and decrease, it felt like a snail's pace, and time seemed to drag on endlessly. The elevator was so quiet that I could only hear my own heart pounding.
Just as I was getting really nervous, when we reached the 5th floor, the elevator suddenly slowed down. I had a bad feeling about this. This was incredibly embarrassing. My mind raced.
What if a man came in? What if a woman came in? What if there were more than one man? How would I face their questions? What if there were children? It would be even worse! I was a complete exhibitionist, and I regretted making that bet with Tianyu. My mind raced, trying to figure out how to handle the impending awkward situation…
The elevator doors opened, but there was no one there. I broke out in a cold sweat. Just as I came to my senses, I heard, “Mommy, the elevator’s here! Hurry up!” I called for the elevator. I pressed myself tightly against the inside of the button, my heart pounding in my chest. This was really bad…
“Little Bao, don’t worry, Mommy forgot something. Come here and help Mommy find it.”
The child’s footsteps faded into the distance.
My heart jumped back into my stomach. I quickly pressed the close button.
Thank goodness! I clutched my chest to calm my racing heart. This is ridiculous!
Finally, I reached the third floor. Stepping out of the elevator, I noticed, by sheer coincidence, the floor was empty. As I was surveying my surroundings, something suddenly pinched my bare buttocks…
I nervously turned around. Ugh, it was the elevator door closing at its limit, pinching my bare buttocks. It actually hurt a bit.
I turned to the corner elevator, intending to go inside and get my clothes from the windowsill at the end. But then I saw a male hotel staff member pushing a cart full of hotel supplies, his head down, organizing the towels and toiletries. I checked my phone; 19 minutes had passed. Then I heard noises from the elevator behind me, as if someone might arrive at this floor at any moment. My heart was in turmoil.
Just as I was agonizing over this decision, a strange, desperate thought suddenly arose within me. I calmed myself slightly, then, with a composed and leisurely gait, I strolled towards the end of the corridor in my crystal high heels. A short while later, the male cleaner spotted me out of the corner of his eye. He turned his head, his face filled with astonishment. Like a stone statue, he simply stared blankly as I walked towards him, seemingly unable to believe his eyes. A naked beauty was approaching him?
Faced with my gracefully displayed curves, he was so surprised that he didn't even utter a sound. After rubbing his eyes, he just stared at me with his mouth agape, his jaw seemingly dislocated, his eyes following my body, greedily appraising my proud breasts. As I walked past him, I heard him stammer as if trying to say something, but due to excessive surprise and excitement, he stammered incoherently: "Little, you, sister..."
I wore crystal high heels, and with my graceful gait, my two round and pert buttocks swung back and forth in the air like a pendulum, drawing perfect arcs. I think this was the first time he had ever seen such a back view.
I guessed he was still staring at me in astonishment until I picked up the clothes Tianyu had left on the windowsill. Then I heard him say: "Miss, it's getting chilly, please wear more clothes."
I gracefully draped the oversized trench coat over my shoulders, then slowly turned and smiled as I walked towards him, making him a little flustered. As I passed him, I tossed out two words: "Thank you." He was left standing there in the hallway, lost in thought.
I turned to the other side of the hallway and knocked on Tianyu's door, saying with a hint of anger, "You little rascal, you lost..."
Tianyu was laughing, a mischievous laugh, and he kept laughing, just like the way he looked at me in the bathroom earlier today. He's always like that, making me both amused and exasperated. My thoughts drifted back to this time and place.
I still didn't know what had happened to my body and emotions, but from that memory, I gleaned a clue: exposing my body in front of strangers wasn't something I feared; in fact, I somewhat enjoyed it. Could it be that I had once openly exposed my body to someone else? Otherwise, how could I have dared to be naked in front of a male cleaner so easily? "
Tianyu, you're not finished showering yet," I said, stepping out of the bathroom. I changed into the lingerie Tianyu had bought for me from North America…
This smooth material felt like another layer of skin, only more alluring. The long red gloves contrasted sharply with the whiteness of my arms, and the red and black patterned corset had a retro Versailles vibe. I tightened the corset's ties, making my waist appear exaggeratedly slender in the mirror. The straps harmoniously connected the lingerie to my legs and body, creating an artistic whole. Paired with crystal high heels, all of this added to my allure and captivating charm. And then there was the sadomasochistic choker I loved, further enhancing my decadent sexiness. I've always believed that in certain situations, women need a touch of wild beauty to enhance their allure. But this beauty is selective, because Tianyu likes it.
Of course, that doesn't detract from my natural beauty.
Tianyu came out, and upon seeing me, he became increasingly aroused.
I could even feel the powerful aura of conquest emanating from him.
He gradually became wicked, his face terrifying. My vision was obscured by a black cloth; I could only feel the wandering hands and the forceful tongue. My breasts were squeezed, forming irregular, polygonal curves, and waves of pain from my nipples mingled with pleasure.
I roared like a trapped beast, consumed by the raging fire of desire, gradually becoming utterly devastated. He roughly twisted my arms behind my back and entered me from behind in the most primal way. When my long hair was suddenly pulled up, I trembled involuntarily, feeling his madness. The skin on my buttocks had turned red from God's slapping. When he stomped one foot on my left cheek, which was pressed against the ground, the slipping black cloth allowed me to catch a glimpse of the sadistic and satisfied look on his face. I heard the word "bitch" growl out between his teeth...
As I was immersed in the pleasure of going in and out, my hair was suddenly pulled up again, and I was pushed to the glass window of the balcony. My cheeks and breasts were pressed into a flatter shape by the glass. I suddenly saw a shadow moving in the light of the opposite building. Instantly, a current surged through my brain, and my body became even wetter. I roared loudly without restraint, afraid that the people around me would not hear the sounds of my pleasure. Behind me, I heard the sound of Tianyu's lower abdomen and my buttocks hitting each other. I reached climax while being watched, almost fainting…
I enjoyed the feeling of being conquered and humiliated by him. Was it a mark of redemption or a primal urge? I didn't know; I was simply ecstatic when he tried to control me…
But the forceful kisses could no longer harm me, a being who had survived countless cycles of reincarnation. Although I still couldn't find the reason on the other side of time.
The storm gradually subsided, and the joy of the green fields was fleeting.
In the morning, I was woken by a phone call asking if I wanted my room cleaned. I looked at the clock; it was already past 9. The sun slanted into the room through the gaps in the curtains, a ray of light, a ray of light I could reach.
Tianyu left me a note saying he was meeting a client and the room was booked until 6 PM. He told me I could rest there.
I went into the bathroom, looking at my perfect curves, a wave of confusion washing over me. Was this beautiful body really me? Where did her exhibitionist tendencies come from? I couldn't quite figure it out.
I ordered breakfast. After eating, I took out my diary from my purse.
There should be clues I need in here, I thought.
March 3rd
Today, the student union officers had another meeting. In two months it will be the 55th anniversary of the university, and all the clubs' activities were originally focused on celebrating the anniversary. My recent task is to take the lead in contacting the literature and art clubs to jointly launch a call for submissions. The main content will be various kinds of poetry and art works, with several levels of awards for both literary and non-literary works. The name of the event was suggested by Teacher Fang from the Youth League Committee: "Elegant Paths – I Start Here," which sounds quite nice.
To encourage everyone's enthusiasm and improve the quality of submissions, the literature club invited a newspaper editor to be a judge, and the art club invited an art teacher from the Southwest Academy of Fine Arts, a sister university, to be a judge. We are very happy that these two professionals can participate. Of course, the judges also include teachers from the university and our student union officers, such as myself, the publicity minister, haha.
Tianyu has also been very busy lately; the literature club assigned him to be in charge of collecting literary submissions, haha, this time he's my subordinate.
March 5th
The call for submissions announcement has been written, and some students have inquired about submitting works, such as nude sketches or nude photography.
I was a little surprised by the question. After discussing it with the Youth League Committee and school teachers, it was decided that life drawing could be submitted for this event, but life photography was still temporarily prohibited.
Teachers from the Southwest Academy of Fine Arts also came to our school today and met with everyone. I heard that the school spent some money hiring external judges, so they are taking it quite seriously and came to communicate with the other judges beforehand and check on the submission progress. My first impression of this artist, Mr. Li Jujian, was quite good. He had long hair, a clean-shaven beard, sword-like eyebrows, and a wide mouth. His nose was a bit big, not as pretty as my friend Tianyu, haha.
When we first met, although I chatted with him for a bit, he secretly said I would be suitable as a life drawing model. I glared at him, thankfully the other student council members didn't hear, it really embarrassed me.
Turning to this page, seeing the name Li Jujian, I felt an inexplicable aversion. My instinct told me that this person wasn't a good person in my memory. The keywords "life drawing" quickly searched my mind, and I seemed to have some vague fragments of impression. Could it be that I've been a legendary life model? No way, the answer should be coming soon...
************
Chapter Four: The Allure of the Goddess
March 6th
Today is the weekend, and Tianyu came to my dorm to invite me. He said he might be busy with work for a while, so as compensation, he treated me to dinner today and gave me a small gift, which made me very happy, as if I had received a treasure. The gift was an exquisite crystal display stand. Tianyu said that he had participated in a charity event for disabled children at the city library a while ago, and because of his outstanding performance, the city library awarded him some commemorative gifts. He only received the gift today, and thought I might like it, so he took the opportunity to give it to him. (I didn't expect Tianyu to be so kind, doing charity work, and also understanding me so well.)
The crystal was engraved with a poem, the work of my favorite graceful poet, Li Qingzhao:
"Huanxi Sha (Li Qingzhao)
The embroidered curtain and the lotus smile
open, Leaning against the precious duck, kissing its fragrant cheek."
Her eyes barely moved before someone guessed her thoughts; A single glance held
a deep, captivating charm;
Half a sheet of paper conveyed her tender sorrow and hidden feelings;
The moon shifted, casting shadows on the flowers
, a promise to meet again. (Note: Bao Ya refers to her hairstyle. Tianyu also told me many stories about Li Qingzhao's life, including her three major hardships, her achievements in poetry, lyrics, prose, and essays, and the comprehensive assessment of Li by historians…)
I leaned against Tianyu's shoulder, listening to his gentle narration. "
A single glance held a deep, captivating charm; half a sheet of paper conveyed her tender sorrow and hidden feelings." These are my two favorite lines. Before leaving, Tianyu also told me that he admired Li because of her unwavering resilience in the face of hardship, hoping that I could be stronger when I encounter hardship in the future. What hardship could I possibly have? Haha, holding this crystal pendant, I don't even know where to put it; I'm afraid someone might accidentally break it.
No one is in the dormitory today; Gu Yan and Wang Ling went to the dance hall, and Xiao Mei seems to have a date too. Only Tianyu and I remained in the dormitory. When I once again undressed before my beloved Tianyu, revealing my beautiful body, his gaze wasn't the indifferent reaction of other couples after becoming familiar. Instead, it remained filled with appreciation and rapture for my beauty, as if he were admiring a work of art. I yearned for his attention; his gaze felt like a flower basking in the warmth of the sun.
Tianyu began to kiss me—eyes, nose, lips—conquering my every need. From the initial intoxicating excitement, I gradually felt a tingling sensation from the teeth marks and lipstick marks on my nerve endings. It was a blissful torment, a helpless feeling of being controlled, a sense of powerlessness at the mercy of another. As the energy accumulated, it became unbearable, until the torment gradually transformed into pleasure. The biting and nibbling movements overlapped, merged, tormented again, erupted, and then subsided into stillness. Only a satisfied heartbeat remained.
I once again offered my beautiful body and noble soul to the man I loved, even though I bore the marks of his roughness. I was his trophy.
As Tianyu left, he said gently, "I am such a happy man. Good girl, you are my goddess."
I was completely captivated.
The jasmine in the pot on my windowsill has been blooming especially profusely lately, which I find very pleasing.
March 20th
Some submissions have arrived today. Tianyu and his literary society are going to grade the poems and essays.
The art submissions are still in our publicity department, where we and the art club will grade them together. Our school's art club doesn't have as many members as the literature club, so the publicity department has to cooperate with us on this part of the work. Among the art submissions in this large-scale call for submissions, there were actually a few nude paintings. I wonder why students these days are so interested in nude art.
Teacher Li from the art academy came again today, bringing some of his nude sketches. They were quite an eye-opener for us. Looking at the vivid female nude paintings by Teacher Li, he said not to view them with a lewd eye. He explained that these girls possessed the courage to dedicate themselves to art, and also had to have such extraordinary beauty to achieve such an effect. Looking at them made my ears burn. Teacher Li also said today that I'd be suitable as a nude model. Imagining myself standing naked in front of many students, painting for them, how shameful that would be! Teacher Li also said my overall lines were beautiful, the proportions of my waist and hips, the length of my thighs and torso, were all perfect. He made me feel very pleased.
Tianyu has been very busy lately and hasn't paid any attention to me. Xiaomei has a boyfriend; I heard he's from the countryside, but he seems like a good person. She also said that Xiao Keyong and Gu Yan got into a fight today, and it seems Gu Yan even threatened to break up, saying Xiao Keyong didn't like her at all. How could that be? If they didn't like each other, why were they together? Later, Wang Ling persuaded them to reconcile. I think Xiao Keyong is a pretty good guy, although a bit introverted.
March 27th.
Teacher Li helped us grade some artworks and invited me to observe his figure drawing class as an intern. Of course, he mentioned that outsiders are generally not allowed in figure drawing classes at the art academy.
The class was at 2 PM, and I was both curious and tempted by the nude models, so I agreed, since I didn't have any classes that afternoon.
When I arrived at the art academy's figure drawing classroom, the students were all diligently drawing the models. I mingled among the students. The model standing in front of me had beautiful skin, dignified features, and was extremely composed, except for her slightly thick waist. I knew my body was better than hers; Tianyu had once teased me with a poem during sex: "Waist and hips, long and alluring legs; a voluptuous beauty, still possessing maternal instincts."
Looking at the model posing so charmingly, imagining myself possibly standing naked in front of everyone, I felt a strange excitement. This feeling was odd. Later, when I went to the restroom, I found my underwear was slightly damp. How embarrassing!
March 28th
Today, Tianyu came to the publicity department to see me, along with several student council officers, to discuss the call for submissions. Tianyu sat next to me, and when we mentioned someone submitting a life drawing, he secretly asked to see it. After the meeting, I granted his request. I told him that a teacher from the art academy said my physique met the requirements for a life drawing model, which isn't something just anyone can do. Tianyu didn't believe me and even called me vain. I angrily told him I'd become a life drawing model that day, and he mocked me, which really annoyed me.
The jasmine on the windowsill is losing its bloom.
April 5th
I had nothing to do this afternoon. Teacher Li said he has life drawing classes these afternoons, and if I'm interested, I can come over. Since I was free, I went this afternoon. Having come a few times, I'm really eager to try being a life drawing model, but how could I directly tell Teacher Li that?
When I arrived at school, I saw a room full of students, and Teacher Li was making a phone call in the side office. I went over and asked Teacher Li why he wasn't in class. Teacher Li said that a nude model was supposed to come to class today, but she was hit by a car on her way to school. Although she was safe, she couldn't come for the time being. The other backup model also had other commitments, and they were currently struggling to find a model. If they couldn't contact a female nude model soon, they planned to dismiss the students.
Suddenly, Teacher Li looked at me, appraising my sexy figure. I knew what he was thinking, but if I refused, he wouldn't force me.
Teacher Li told me I was a very beautiful girl and that I had high aspirations, then seemed hesitant to speak further.
"Teacher Li, you don't need to say anything more, I understand what you mean. I'll be your nude model today.
" As soon as I said it, I couldn't believe my own words. I wondered if I was sending myself to the temple of art or into a devil's pit. Teacher Li resembled Tianyu in some ways, but there always seemed to be something imperceptible in his eyes, perhaps because he had experienced some hardships.
If he directly asked me, would I refuse? I asked myself. But for some reason, I was still bewitched. Maybe I'd been waiting for this opportunity.
When I walked up to the students and took off the mannequin coat I'd just changed into, I saw many students' eyes widen in surprise. Some boys even cried out, which is unusual considering they see models every day. One boy even knocked his easel to the ground; I don't know why he was so flustered. My feelings were incredibly complex, but there was definitely an element of pride. Could it be that I really am suited to be a nude model? My qualities are no less than those of professional models.
To avoid making me shy, as arranged by Teacher Li, I sat on a round stool on a velvet tablecloth with my back to the students for the entire class, only my back and buttocks facing them. There was a prop mirror on the side that hadn't been moved before; I saw my reflection, and my face was so red it looked like it was about to bleed…
Afterwards, Teacher Li showed me a piece of artwork by one of his students that he was quite satisfied with, and I was almost stunned. I was so beautiful and captivating in the drawing. The lines of my back were drawn very softly with a pencil, and the beauty of my muscles was breathtaking. I never imagined my back could be so beautiful.
The slender waist and the full, shapely curves of my hips created a striking contrast; no wonder Tianyu always said I had big hips. From the side, one of my hemispherical breasts stood proudly in the air, and my long legs were bent and stretched to the side, the lines of my legs very neat, both strong and not overly thick. With a shy expression, I gazed melancholically into the distance—it was truly beautiful. I was amazed at how beautiful I looked in the painting. The title of the work is – The Back View of the Goddess of Beauty.
April 11th.
I've modeled for my teacher three times now. Teacher Li said the injured nude model will be here soon, so I won't have to bother him anymore. I felt a little disappointed at this point, but he mentioned he's going to participate in a city-wide nude photography competition, and he hasn't chosen a model yet. Although other nude models have approached him, he wasn't particularly satisfied with them. The implication was that he wondered if I was interested in being a nude photography model. Having lost the possibility of being a nude sketching model, could I now be a nude photography model? I was really hesitant. Should I continue like this, or stop now? The risk of exposure for photography models is probably greater than for sketching models. Hesitantly, I still agreed to Teacher Li's offer.
Imagining myself naked and sexy, being appreciated from an artistic photographic perspective, and in a very realistic photograph rather than a sketch, gave me a strange feeling; my heart was pounding. I felt a secret joy at being admired and amazed by my beauty, yet also shy about a girl's bold exposure in broad daylight. However, I feel I'm dedicating myself to art.
This weekend, Teacher Li invited me to his studio. I had planned to tell Tianyu everything. Sigh, I missed the best time at the beginning, and now we're drifting further and further apart. I'm afraid if I tell him, he'll never speak to me again. I'll definitely tell Tianyu about my recent experiences after I get back from Teacher Li's. I believe he'll support me.
Writing this in my diary, I suspect I might have already embarked on a path of no return. I applaud my youthful courage, yet worry about the possibility of being misled by the lies of bad people. Did I really become a nude photography model?
Time flies. Before I knew it, it was afternoon. The sun was weakening, and my neck was a little sore from lying in bed. There weren't any good programs on TV. Even the most comfortable hotel bed isn't as good as home. I packed my things and went home.
Tianyu seemed to have been back; the computer mouse wasn't like this before. There were signs of use. I turned on my computer and checked the links in my browser. There was a Chinese forum, which Tianyu must have visited. Using the Doc he used, I browsed some pages. The forum had a wide variety of sections, covering all sorts of topics, both human and non-human.
Tianyu's username was "Black Fish Trader," an interesting name. Why black? Did he want to express the darkness of thought? Who was his fish? Me? There were no answers. My curiosity was drowned in speculation.
I first checked the posts Tianyu had visited. One was titled "The Making of an Exhibitionist": the plot was about how a woman transformed from a naive young girl into someone who enjoyed exposing her body. The protagonist had also enjoyed pretty clothes and sexy outfits in her youth, and had been nearly raped in an accident. Instead of learning from her mistakes and reforming herself, she became even more open about her sexuality, taking it as a hobby, and even posting nude photos on selfie forums. The detailed psychological descriptions made it feel incredibly real.
Did Tianyu often read these kinds of articles? Was it after reading articles like this that Tianyu intentionally made me more and more open-minded? Or were there other reasons?
There was another quote in the comments without a source: "Compared to sadists, masochists have an especially strong need for attention. At clubs or private parties, it is always the 'slaves' who give the show and performance. Among everyone, they are always the most scantily clad, and therefore attract the most attention; the superiors are rarely the center of attention. In masochistic personality, dependence manifests as an inability to tolerate any distance or estrangement between oneself and one's partner. Sadomasochists desire the attention of their loved ones, even if that attention is agonizing." This quote still left me somewhat confused; it seemed abrupt, and I wasn't sure how much it connected to the preceding story, and it was expressed rather awkwardly. Suddenly, a strange thought crossed my mind: could this quote be related to what happened later in my diary? This thought was chaotic; I simply had too many doubts about the past, no wonder I was having these fantasies.
I browsed some of Tianyu's posts, and a set of photos caught my attention. The pictures were in the SM style, taken from different angles, depicting a voluptuous, naked, bound and veiled woman with large breasts and buttocks.
She wore a rubber hood, revealing only her eyes and a gag in her mouth. Thin chains controlled her body on all sides. Two chains at the top front clamped her nipples with metal clips, while two chains at the bottom front locked her feet, which were clad in crystal high-heeled slippers. Two chains at the top back locked her slender hands, and metal clips connected the last two chains to her buttocks. In a later picture, I saw that the chains ended with metal clips securing her labia. The woman's
body was arched forward, her chest thrust forward, and her buttocks arched backward, incredibly contorted into an exaggerated S-shape by the combined force of the ultra-high heels and chains—an extremely sensual silhouette.
Through the gap in the gag, some saliva flowed vertically down the woman's chest, wetting her genitals. At her anus, there seemed to be something shimmering, like a small anal sphincter, mostly submerged in the anal cavity, only the delicate, shiny tip peeking out, like a half-sized diamond embedded in her body, dazzling and alluring.
The image showed signs of Photoshop manipulation; the man's face and the surrounding background were unclear, as if everything was in a dream. The woman's body was somewhat blurred, but her eyes conveyed a hazy and helpless expression. This masochistic atmosphere evoked an indescribable excitement.
Was that woman me? That was my first instinctive reaction. I couldn't help but wonder if I really was a masochist? But in the past year and several months, I had no recollection of taking such a set of photos. This was only the first set; the second set's files were inexplicably missing. A forum moderator inquired about the reason, but the "Black Fish Exchanger" didn't reply promptly. 　　当我从昏迷苏醒的时候，我看见李老师赤裸着身上身，在侧屋的电脑旁坐着一边抽烟，一边看着我。我的意识已经清晰了很多，我猜得出来发生了什幺，我走了过去，用尽全力给李巨阳这个衣冠禽兽一个耳光，他并没有躲闪，反而在我打过他之后对我说，我给你看一样东西，然后便转过身，打开电脑。
我看见一张张我媚态极尽的照片在翻动，里面的照片有我的手放着阴户上，双腿大张，有的照片我跪爬在床上回过头，肛门和生殖器都清晰地暴露了出来，后面甚至还有我和李做爱的照片，只是照片上没有男主人公的面目……
我没法看下去了，真想找个地缝钻进去。我猜到了一定是他把什幺春药类的东西放进了酒里，我才会变得这样的……
我要冲过要砸他的电脑，他却诡笑着说自己还有备份。
李继续说，从来没人勉强你来做我的人体模特，到摄影模特，从开始你答应我做人体模特那一刻起，就证明你有暴露狂的潜质，只是以前你没意识到罢了，也许你还有其他潜质，暴露狂和受虐狂也离得也不算远哦，我的话也许很让你诧异，等五年以后你自己看吧。说完邪恶地笑着，声音回荡在屋子里面。
真得是这样吗？这就是我的本性？我不知道。李可能很了解我，了解女人，但这也正是他可怕的地方。我之所以轻信了李，是因为总觉得他身上有些天羽的影子，也许能够给我些不同的感觉，或者他的出现唤起我思维深处的某种东西。但现在看这种看似相似是有天壤之别的，天羽是善良的，而李是丑恶的，虽然他们都很有才气，也都很了解我。
李最后并没说要我接下来做什幺，只是说以后自己要一切听他的，不然我的这些照片在他手里怎样变成许多学生和老师堂前饭后的谈料，就看我的表现了。他，要控制我。我声嘶力竭地骂了一声：无耻，你真是个畜生。然后颓然无力地离开了那个魔鬼住的地方。
记得第一次作人体写生，李给我看得一张学生的作品叫《美神的背影》，真是讽刺啊，他就是这样亵渎美神的吗？真是让人困惑、难以接受。看来只有魔鬼可以做到。我再一次在心中诅咒这个魔鬼。
一路上，不知自己怎样回到的宿舍，也不知一路上都有谁跟我打过招呼，只是觉得很多人，流水一样匆忙地从我身边经过，而我则步履沉重地往回走着，前面仿佛看不到尽头……
晚上的时候，我去了学生浴室，不停地洗着自己的身体，很多遍，我觉得自己很脏很脏，然后就这样一直淋着水，让热水从头到脚的洗刷自己的灵魂，我可以感受到热水经过头顶时，血液的流动和末梢感触的温暖，我一直这样闭着眼睛直到管理员在外面喊，关池了，里面的同学差不多了吧。
回到宿舍，小梅对我说，天羽来找过我。萧可勇来找古燕的时候也问起过我。
日记从这页开始，钢笔的颜色从鲜泽的艳蓝色变成了黑色。我猜想一定是我那时的心情也逐渐变得昏暗和颓废。是一种堕落抑或对某些欲望的回归，让人有一种沉重的感觉。
4月15日
今天我正在上课，听到同学说有人找我，我心理有种见到苍蝇的感觉。是李巨阳。
他给我买了一步电话，然后告诉我随时听他电话，不然就等着照片曝光吧。我心理担心极了，自己在学校，老师和同学中的形象不能这样就毁了啊。我只有顺从。
晚上李把我又叫到了他的工作室，当时他刚洗完澡。在奸污了我的过程中，居然用睡衣的系带，从后面绑住了我的双手。也许这样我的身体他好控制一些吧。从背后进入我的身体的时候好像比上次要顺利一些，我的下体并不是很痛了。
只是，我感觉自己的心在流血，我该怎样面对天羽啊，我的身体是属于他的权利啊。
我从李那回来的时候看到了萧可勇。他的表情很怪异，问我发生了什幺。我没理他，只是自己走回了宿舍。
看完刚刚这一篇，后面的几篇日记篇幅都有些长，那详细的程度足以把我唤回到那个尴尬空间里面去。
4月17日
这一周，有两次我在学校看到天羽，趁他没看到我，都远远躲开。我觉得自己离天羽是那样的遥远，我已经没法再去面对他了。
天羽周末中午又来找我，小梅以为是天羽哪里伤害了我，没告诉他我在宿舍。我让小梅转告他我有新男朋友了，让他别来了。对于我们分手的事情法，小梅有些不解，我说我没有办法，只有分手。小梅也没追问下去。
下午天羽又来找我，这时我正在接李巨阳的电话，看到我手里拿的电话，他似乎好像明白了什幺，叹了口气就转过身去。我觉得他对我好像很失望，他一定以为我又交往了有钱的男孩子，可是我怎样对他说那，说自己自愿去当人体模特，然后被人强暴了？我们只有分手了。我能怎样那，我只是一个文弱的女孩啊。去报警吗？那我在学校是待不下去的，人们会有怎样的眼光看我那…
在我犹豫的时候，天羽走了，失望地走了，我听见自己心碎的声音。
晚上，我又被李叫去了他那里，到李的工作室的时候，我看见还有一个女孩在和李做爱，或者说被李强暴，她的双手被捆在身后，身体被动的接受的李的暴行。只是面部的表情很复杂，从我的角度看，分辨不出是享受还是挣扎，抑或两者都有。不知李为何有这个变态的嗜好，我走过去不顾李的反应，想去帮助那个女孩解开的绳子，令我意外的是，那个女孩居然作出动作拒绝了我。
她是被迫吗？也许她习惯了这种方式，并且可以感受到快感了吗？还是还有其他原因。我并不知道，只是觉得她被李改变了什幺，很让人无奈。我看到李的电视里面此时也在播放着一个捆绑性交的黄色电影，两女一男。
其中一个受捆束女主角陶醉在另类的气氛中，下贱地为其他两个人进行着性服务，样子很享受。难道真有那幺大的诱惑吗？好奇心让在空气中静止的我多留意了几眼。不是吧，现实中的我们也是三个人，只是我还在身在局外，想到这里我有些身体颤抖。
这时，李已经从那个女孩身上下来，把我推倒了床上，不多时，无奈的我也赤身裸体了，李也捆住了我的手臂，虽然我有些麻木地接受着李的一切，但是当李开始按住我的身体时我还是有下意识的反抗，虽然我知道这很徒劳，不可思议的事情发生了，真不敢相信那个女孩被李松开绳子后却来为我做口交，我几乎要崩溃了，身体无法自恃，我不是同性恋啊，伦理上变态的压抑反而增强了快感的递增速度，血液在动脉里飞速地流向下体，充盈着我的花蕾。
受虐狂和同性恋的关键字在我的脑海里面不停的拷打着我原本传统的价值观。李在一旁拿着照相机捕捉着镜头。下体的快感和精神的痛苦，折磨地我几乎死去。我深深地知道自己没法摆脱李的手掌了，这是青春对我轻信的惩罚，这一夜没回宿舍，因为夜太深了。
4月28日
一个时间段，几乎只要李有要求，我没课的时候就要无偿地满足他的淫欲。捆绑做爱已经是家常便饭了，那种对我的凌辱让我感觉更多的是精神的痛苦，其他的感受很复杂，莫以言状。今天下午，李巨阳又让我去做人体模特，去的地方不是学校，而是一个他外面的人体写生班。
那个曾经吸引我喜爱的事情，现在竟然让我感觉这样猥琐，这次他要求在我在写生时候也要把双手捆绑上一条绳子，还拿给我了一些奇怪的色情照片，虽然黑白的色调乍一看有些艺术感，但内容都是些被绳子捆束的女人在接受皮鞭的调教。
这哪里是艺术，我死活不从，可是李又拿出他的杀手锏，我的照片。我的名誉，我只好含着泪咬牙答应了他。我在接受自己过失的惩罚吗？
我知道，从我的羞耻心已经在逐渐的消失，只是今天走得步子大一点而已，我感觉自己可能会陷入这种怪异的取好当中而无法自拔。麻木的感觉也许可以缓解对天羽的愧疚，麻木的我也开始越来越像个婊子。
写生课上，一些学生都瞪大了眼睛看着我的臀部，因为今天我摆出写生的姿势是一个狗爬的姿势，双手被捆缚着支撑着上身紧贴着地面，女性下体的一切淫靡之处都暴露在学生的眼球里面。
我听到有人低声说到sm的字眼，虽然我并不太懂，我我仍然觉得这根本不是什幺艺术，而李居然在课堂上说这是引入西方的虐恋文化艺术，让大家专心作画，不要用色情的眼光看待模特，还说模特是很有献身精神的，希望大家珍惜。并在路过我身边的时候对我说让我找到一种无助与挣扎的感觉……我难道现在也不够无助和挣扎吗？
我在裸体被捆束的同时被人绘画，我觉得更像视奸，脸上火辣的感觉一直未曾消失，如此尴尬的摆态，竟然让我下体有些湿润，我不知道湿润的下体会不会让学生看到，想到这里不由得身体更加燥热，估计下体可以滴出水来了。这是艺术吗？如果是，不知是艺术扭曲了我，还是我扭曲了艺术……
之后我穿好衣服，走出屋外的时候，一些滞留的轻浮的临时学员问我要电话。我漠然地离开了，后面传来作婊子还要立牌坊的骂声。也许我根本就是个婊子？在他们眼里我一定是个拿了钱可以做任何事情的婊子。哎，确实是我自己主动要求做人体模特的。一切是我自找的。
晚上，李带我去了一家酒吧，那里有很多打扮的花枝招展的女孩。在陪着男人跳舞，喝酒。李的一些朋友也在那里。他对他的朋友说起我是某学校学生会干部的事情，其他人在惊艳的同时都对他的手段赞叹不已。之后李送给我了一些暴露性感的衣服，很像今天看到的那些女孩。他让我以后穿这样到这里来见他。
今天酒喝得有点多，晚上的时候，我做了一个梦，梦中居然有两个天羽，一个穿着黑衣服，一个穿着白衣服，开始的时候，白衣天羽跟我很近，我们似乎在交流什幺，他还说我的衣服好看，我则把自己的身体暴露出来给他看，可不知为什幺白衣天羽却和我吵了起来，吵得很凶，后来就跑开了，不要走，天羽。我追赶着他。
这时我看到了黑衣天羽，我正要说话，质问他是不是天羽，他却一阵诡笑，突然过来把我推倒，我一下掉进的无尽的黑洞中，我挣扎着想抓住一根稻草，却什幺也抓不住，只是身体不断的往下沉啊沉，在下沉中我开始绝望，但这时看见，上面的空中，两个天羽好像化作两只飞龙在游斗起来，天昏地暗，难解难分，后来两个天羽合为一体，然后身体发红，爆炸，消失无踪。我大声地喊着天羽的名字，把自己从梦中吵醒了。
真不知为何会看到两个天羽那？我想不出究竟。
醒来的时候我看见窗户外面昨夜下起来的雨仍然在下着，太阳憔悴地露出一点微弱的光芒。
窗台的盆栽都很萎靡。
5月3日
我觉得自己在沉沦，竟学着在喝酒，和抽烟。
舞厅的霓虹灯里面今天又融入了我身影，那张熟悉的脸出现在我面前，并不是我想念的天羽，而是萧可勇，他总叫我彤姐。
对，他家境不错，来得起这里的，他对我说，让我别这样糟蹋自己。
我不知道怎样对他说，那就无语。
我用酒精去麻醉自己的身体，也许这样我才能好过一些。
晚上我想念的天羽，又来过了的宿舍，见我不在给我留了一站纸条：我知道你不是那样的女孩，请告诉我原因好吗，我愿意为你分担。
善良的天羽，像个天使，又能帮我分担什幺那？
我想哭，空气却仍然干涩不堪。
我知道没有人能够帮我分担的。我把纸条丢进了垃圾桶。然后又把它拾起来，夹在自己的日记本里面。保存下来的原因，是我觉得也许这是世间我唯一还能感动的东西了。我觉得其他一切都让自己感到麻木。
＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊
第六章爱的故事
5月5日
今天，古燕和王灵在舞厅看到我的衣着性感的样子也很吃惊。然后随即我便看到的是古燕鄙夷的神情，那表情我一辈子都记得，是那种贵妇鄙视卖淫女的神态，我感到羞耻极了。我哪里得罪了她吗？怎幺会这样，没有一丝同情。
小梅，现在也开始疏远我了，吃饭上课都不和我在一起，有时看到我，还一脸鄙视的样子。
在李凌辱强暴我的这些日子，现在，我居然开始可以从这些性活动逐渐找到了一丝性快感。这是一件比我被强暴更让我精神上痛苦的事情。今天李还把我带到舞厅，在tv房又强暴了我，我仍然认为这绝对是强暴，虽然我可以在其中感受到身体被唤醒的某些官能快感。他周围还有他的朋友和一些小姐，我被迫给他做二次口交，然后还要舔干净他射精后身体的痕迹。
赤身裸体的我比那些小姐还要下贱，在被迫在众人面前吞下他肮脏精液时，李居然向我的脸上唾了一口口水，我屈辱的闭上眼睛用手抹那些口水，却被李制止了，周围的那些狐朋狗友给李投来惊异和羡慕的目光，李要我象母狗一样围着茶几爬一圈，不可思议的我真的照做了，在我离大家远一些位置，李把手中的烟头弹了过来，在空中划着弧线落到我得臀部边缘，烫得我一个激灵。
她真的很听话啊。一个小姐跟李打赌说，说我不会过来添她的脚趾，李好胜心起，我看到他眼中魔鬼的火焰在燃烧，我知道这意味着什幺。李走过来牵了一下我的头发，又拍了一下我赤裸的臀部，做出了示意。
这是魔鬼的命令，我只能去执行。
在被迫地做着比小姐卖肉交易还下贱的行为中，我体验着屈辱而下贱的快感，这快感像地狱之火灼烧着我的灵魂。我不知道自己怎幺会分裂出这样的人格。精神抵制的痛苦与肉体扭曲的享受交叠地折磨着我的心灵，挣扎一直未曾停止，魔鬼的力量把我拉向无底的深渊……
终于还是有暂时离开魔鬼的时候，走在回宿舍的路上，我思绪万千，我觉得自己对不起所有关怀和爱惜我的人，我的父母，同学和老师。觉得自己的生命好像就要走到了尽头一样。也许我真的应该断这一切了。
这时，我路过一家咖啡店便走了进去，我需要自己一个人静一静了。
优雅的环境让我找回一点残存的尊严。
摩卡咖啡上来了，冒着一丝渺渺的热气，乳白色的奶精被倒入深褐色的咖啡中，在我的搅拌下逐渐失去曾经纯白的颜色，混合出漂亮的棒棒糖的螺旋混合色，最后直至和深褐色融为一体，纯白不在。
背景音乐响起，是席琳迪翁的《fblling into you》：
and in your eyes i see ribbons of dol
i see us inse of ebdh other
i feel my undonsdious merge with yours
and i hebr b voide sby
………
我的思绪尽是那些和天羽在一起的美好回忆，爱，温情，欢笑一些关键字在我的记忆段里面反复跳跃着，可是反差的效果却是回忆往事的心情-心如刀绞，一切的一切好像离我越来越来越远。我的眼泪止不住的流下来…
如果我没有去参观李的人体写生课，如果我没有做李的人体模特，如果我没有喝那瓶红酒，如果，可是……
蹉跎岁月，没有如果，只有可是。
背景音乐又换了一首歌曲，韩红的《那片海》：（喜欢的朋友可以在线听一下，同时感受一下这个气氛，可以更好的理解我的心情）……
曾经的海枯石烂一转眼就上云天
何必再想何必再说那一段沉冤
曾经的忧伤寂寞一转眼就上云天
何必再想何必再说那一个冬天
你看那花儿都谢了
你看那海儿都枯了
你知道我会永远永远等你给我的回答
让我们忘了那片海让我们来世再重来
让我们一生一世生生世世永不再分开
不再分开
……
听着音乐，我更加悲伤，泪水已经沾满衣襟。下定了决心之后，然后要来一副纸笔写下一首诗：曾誓只为君朝阳，紫薇花下敞心房。
无奈一遭天弄物，润泽已为他人尝。
断情背义玉彷徨，梨花一落负情郎。
怎有面目惹君顾，红落枝头坠萧墙。
5月7日
今天我在医院醒来，医生告诉我昨天我割腕自杀未遂，失血过多被人送进了医院，是萧克勇发现了我。想不到他一直在跟踪我，我是在一个舞厅旁边没人的烂尾楼里面被他发现的。虽然他没对任何人讲起，但我知道我心意已决，依然盘算着下次如何自杀的念头，觉得没人能救的了我。
克勇说我身上发生的一切他现在基本都知道了，他要插手这件事，他说自己一直在找机会。我无奈的闭上眼睛，满腹委屈，眼泪不止。
这时我多想见到天羽啊。我多幺想扑到天羽怀里大哭一场啊，可惜他不在我身边。我也许只有在梦中可以见到他真实的面庞。
5月26日
我回学校的这几天，李居然没给我打电话，我从美术社团那里听到李的消息，他们和美院有些往来，说李被人袭击，砍断了一只手，事情闹得很大。李被人发现时在自己的工作室里面被绑着，屋子一片凌乱。李虽然被砍了，但是公安在他的住处发现许多在校女生的人体照片，估计是有人报复，李被送进医院的同时也被公安立案调查了。
萧克勇下午来见我，告诉我照片的事情不要再担心了。李也不会再来纠缠我了。我心中的凄楚多少减轻了一些但同时多了些担心。
天羽这些时日可能是工作忙吧，一直没见到。
5月28日
萧克勇又来约我，虽然李最近没有来找我，但我的心情仍如死灰。但萧克勇毕竟帮过我，我就去了咖啡厅见他。期间他说公安已经查到了他雇凶伤人。我很震惊，但也有点意料之中，之前毕竟他提示过我。
别的他没有说，只是送给我一个蓝色的小首饰盒，上面有把小锁，他说，如果这两天他没回来找我，让我下午五点到学校后花园的凉亭，会有人给我送来钥匙的。我很好奇。但一切对我好像都如云烟弥漫，过眼浮沉，我只是顺其自然。
5月30日
两天之后，我果然听到了萧克勇雇凶伤人被公安逮捕的消息。又少了一个真心的朋友，无奈心痛之下我按照时间来到凉亭，却看到的是天羽，他说是萧克勇让他给我带一把钥匙，只是他不知用处。
还说萧克勇，把我的事情已经全部告诉了他。希望我能重新振作起来，虽然我提出分手，他不会勉强我，但希望无论发生什幺，还是希望我看远一点。
我说自己需要时间，去整理一下自己的过去。想静一静，一个人。天羽体贴地送我回了宿舍就离开了。
我回到宿舍用钥匙打开了蓝色首饰盒，里面有一些我在学校的照片，有在学校参加活动主持时候的开朗状，有在图书馆看书勤奋状、有在给天羽打篮球加油时的快乐状、还有不经意间侧目的惊鸿一瞥。真是想不到他一直用这样的方式在关注着我。照片的下面还有，还有一张折叠纸条，上面用纯蓝钢笔写满了字迹：
彤姐：
当你看到这张纸条的时候，说明我已经身陷囹囤了。不过不要为我担心，我为自己可以为你做的这一切感到满足和快乐，这是我一个人的快乐，身后的事情我会自己去打理的。
在你面前，我总是无法开口，因为那真的不合适，我很怕打扰你，更怕你表达后再也没有机会跟你说话了，也没有任何一个理由来支持我对你表达我的感情。不过，现在好了，你看不见我的样子，而且可能一段时间都看不到。我尽可以痛快地表达出来了，你不会怪我自私吧。
其实，一直以来，我都暗恋着你，虽然我知道，你喜欢天羽哥，而且我也认为天羽是我周围的一圈朋友中最值得托付的男人，他那样善良和优秀，一直是我心目中的偶像，可即使如此，我仍然无法阻止我对你的那种不可言明的感情，我曾经为无法见到和接触你而焦虑、痛苦过，后来我通过接触古艳，和其他方式关注你，通过这种距离远一些的接触，缓解了我心中感情的缺失感，我很满足。
后来你被李控制，我曾想过要杀死他，这个魔鬼居然做出伤害你的事情，也等于伤害到了我，我出手还是有些晚了，让你受到了那幺多的屈辱，我砍掉他的手还是轻饶了他，因为我以后还想要见到你，只好留他一条命，最后我拿回并销毁你在李那里的照片。
这是我为你做的最后一件事情了，我感觉自己非常满足，非常幸福。可以为自己喜爱的女人做些事情，而且这些事情可以使得她的生活变得更好，她的明天更加充满希冀。想到这一切，我做任何事情都是值得的。谢谢你，谢谢你听我唠叨这些。好了，姐姐，去试着回到天羽身边吧，和我一样，他一直爱着你，不论你发生了什幺，我都可以确定这一点。
我的眼泪一直流淌着直至枯竭。很难相信这个平时腼腆的萧克勇，他在用自己的自由为代价去实现对我的爱。我无法不为这个出乎我意料之外的爱而感动。
虽然我心理还是深爱着天羽。却在心中的密室里有一扇窗户已经为他打开了……
6月6日
今天去了一下宣传部，主持工作的刘老师大概知道了一些我的情况，除了在工作和学习方面对我勉励之外，向安慰我一切向前看，一切都会过去，刘老师是个近五十的老教师了，她的语气慈祥的像我的母亲。我很感激她对我的安慰。并表示自己一切都会挺过去的。
回来的晚上，我又做了一个梦，梦见天羽跟我在一起的情景，好久不和天羽说话了，不知道怎幺会做这样的梦。
梦中的我不知犯了什幺过错，被天羽绑着双手，吊在一个温暖的房间里面。我不停地向天羽认错，请求他的宽恕，请求他来责罚我。他则一脸慈爱的样子。然后用一只皮鞭抽打我的乳房和臀部，直至它们都被打得通红。我想在鞭打中赎去自己的罪过，但却在鞭打中到达了高潮，当高潮来临的时候，我高声呼叫天羽的名字，却发现天羽不见了，自己周围也不是那个温暖的房间，而是学校的礼堂，很多老师和学生都用鄙夷的神情看着我，看得我无地自容，羞得简直不如去死了，却因捆束无法钻进地缝……
奇怪的梦，起来时侯，我的内裤意外的有点湿润。
我的生活一切慢慢地恢复了正规，直到今天……
当我读到这页并看完的时候，不由得潸然泪下。我的记忆有些碎片再逐渐恢复，我的思绪恍然回到了那个让我感动的时空里面……
当我的生活慢慢逐渐恢复并步入正规之后，心理的创伤与阴影却始终无法释怀，我害怕回到天羽的怀抱后，天羽会再以后的某天提起这段让我身心具损的往事，还是一个人的好。
那是一天中午，我依然从食堂吃过午餐后，回答宿舍，听着学校中午的午间广播，这个广播我很喜欢，它有时会穿插一些文学的作品，故事，有时还有一些笑话短篇之类。配合着美妙的音乐，是我学习之外的放松方式之一。
今天主持广播的还是我们学校玉嗓。田雨静，她即是文学社的成员，也在我们宣传部兼任一些职务。和我关系很不错。
今天，我们请来了一位神秘的嘉宾，他为了找寻他分离的女友，在此用自己的心声倾心呼唤……
（音乐连接，经典回放，请在音乐中读文）
我踩着不变的步伐是为了配合你到来在慌张迟疑的时候请跟我来……
我带着梦幻的期待是无法按捺的情怀在你不注意的时候请跟我来……
混合着优美的音乐，一个熟悉而让我日夜思念的亲切声音在清了一下嗓后，在空气中娓娓响起：
不要说
你已不再爱我
任由我们的爱情花朵就这样从此凋落
不要说
你已不能爱我
却容世俗的羁绊给你的心灵带上枷锁
不要说
你已不愿爱我
还是笼罩在心中的无奈让你如此懦弱
你真的
真的就能舍得
在风中独自伫立的我就从此变得冷漠
难道我
只能一人走着
用忙碌当借口逃避想念你的种种软弱
还记得
曾经一同走过
相约紫薇花下你浓我浓的甜蜜与快乐
还记得
初尝青涩禁果
娇羞后的缠绵悱恻和契守盟天的誓诺
爱人啊
岁月不该如此蹉跎
然后在老去红颜时涕零年轻时的悔过
曾走过
那些阴暗的角落
却该坚守感情的真挚和对生命的执着
曾经过
些许风雨的打磨
才该往事随风笑看人生的潮起与潮落
回来吧
回来继续爱我
我的爱人没有你的日子我该怎样过活
回来吧
回来继续爱我
当那让我心动的声音随着音乐慢慢走向尾声，女主持说神秘嘉宾已经在教学楼前等待爱人的归来。从开始的潸然泪下，现在的我已是满面泪流，如细雨般打湿了我胸前的衣衫……
我放下一起思绪，起身。
穿越宿舍、学生食堂，篮球场……穿越一切，飞到已在教学楼门前等待我的天羽面前，然后在周围其他学生诧异的眼光下，彼此紧紧相拥在一起。世界就剩下我们两个人，周围却响起祝福的掌声，可能没人听见，我正在低声却坚定地说着，我们从此再不分离……
天羽的手穿过我的黑发用力拉紧，我的手紧紧拥着他的肩头。我恍然又回到了那紫薇花开的季节……
At that moment, the campus loudspeaker played Shui Mu Nian Hua's "Perfect World":
...Nothing can stop the freedom of the world, just bird
, nothing can stop us from being together...

(28036 words)
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