Divorced woman's account

People say, celebrities say, great men say, "Without love, one cannot live, nor can one truly live." Yet, seeing so many around me living without love, devoid of affection, relying on sisterly love, the love of friends, or stealing love from other people's husbands and wives, even clinging to life by watching TV dramas every night, letting the days slip by. These fleeting days are both slow and swift, gone in an instant, impossible to grasp, yet utterly wasted. By middle age, the heart finally finds peace, unperturbed by anything, indifferent to the world, whether it's love from a lover, a sister, or a friend. Whether there's love or not, whether the stolen affection remains or not, it doesn't matter. Dibo's face wasn't exactly beautiful, nor was it particularly elegant, but it possessed a remarkable liveliness; her eyes sparkled, and her voice was very pleasant. Dibo's hair was long, permed in loose waves, with a few strands dyed blonde. She usually wears her hair casually pulled back, a loose tuft that exudes a womanly charm from behind. She likes to wear ankle boots, long skirts, and colorful cropped sweaters, and in winter, she always wears a cashmere coat. She carries a huge, dark leather backpack wherever she goes. Seeing her, you'd guess that this vibrant woman must have many dramatic stories about her love life. But Ke Dibo says she has no story, because she's divorced, and her husband abandoned her. Suddenly, while crying, she shouts, "Jiang Zhe! You bastard!" "I've been divorced for six years. I live with my daughter now; she goes to school and lives there, coming home every weekend. It's unbelievable. All my friends are baffled by my divorce. They think a woman like me, with a respectable job, impeccable taste in clothing, and a flirtatious lifestyle, could be a social icon for men, and also a burden-free family member." It seems inconceivable that a woman of my taste, independent personality, knowledge, and self-reliance would be abandoned. Indeed, back in university, my ex-husband, Jiang Zhe, was in our class. The madness with which he pursued me back then is still a topic of conversation at our class reunions. Look at me now, I've picked up those reckless habits typical of women in cultural circles. Actually, in university, I was a cool beauty, quite ladylike. My ex-husband said pursuing me was incredibly difficult. He gave me over two hundred hints and still didn't get it—it was so frustrating! Because I was so hard to win over, it actually fueled his determination. We eventually came out of the woodwork, I think it was around our senior year, everyone was anxiously contacting employers, but back then the school assigned jobs, and finding a job wasn't as difficult for university graduates as it is now. Jiang Zhe was the kind of person who was quiet and reserved, never saying anything, just silently protecting you. For example, during those years in school, whenever I went to the library, Jiang Zhe would be there too. He'd always sit somewhere not too far away, staring at me with that deep, lingering gaze, which annoyed me a lot. I gave him the cold shoulder quite often, sometimes even giving him a cold look or saying something sarcastic in public, but he never argued back, just kept going like that. Eventually, I got used to it. For the past few years in university, Jiang Zhe had been quietly pursuing me, without making a sound, but I could always sense what he did for me. Actually, I'd long acknowledged his infatuation, but I hated how clingy he was, always so unspeakable. It was this clinginess that made me inexplicably angry with him. I teased him, gave him the cold shoulder, made him look bad in public—just to provoke him, to stop his roundabout ways, to give him a direct attack, just once. But how could I say it out loud? I just watched him frantically trying to figure things out, like a blind man groping in the dark. One day, I went to the library to look up some information and found he wasn't there. I felt a little disappointed but didn't want to show it, so I pretended to be busy looking up something, but my eyes kept wandering to the empty seat next to me. Just then, Jiang Zhe came in, making quite a commotion, unlike his usual quiet demeanor. I naturally pretended not to notice him at all, and kept my head down, randomly flipping through the books in front of me. Later, I noticed someone standing in front of my desk. I looked up and saw Jiang Zhe. He seemed to have just had a few drinks that day; his face was flushed. It was the first time he had stared at me so brazenly. I quickly looked around, but thankfully, everyone in the lobby seemed to be busy with their own things and no one noticed us. I turned around and said irritably, "What?" Jiang Zhe suddenly grabbed my arm and almost lifted me up, saying, "Come on, get out!" I struggled a couple of times, but he held on tighter, and I was dragged out of the reading room. Then I was pinned against the wall in the corridor. Jiang Zhe pressed against me and said, "Date me!" I shook off his hand, rubbing my arm, and said, "What?! You're hurting me!" He said again, "Date me!" I felt a surge of excitement, thinking, "This big oaf, the all-out assault has finally begun!" Just then, I suddenly noticed something. Behind him, I vaguely heard a burst of suppressed laughter, and a few boys peeking out from the corner. One of the boys seemed to have been pushed out in the jostling, quickly retreating, followed by another burst of suppressed laughter. Instantly, my anger flared up. What all-out assault? This drunk guy had obviously made some kind of bet with those boys. I slapped him across the face, yelling, "Bastard!" and shoved him hard. He slumped weakly against the wall across the corridor, his head drooping. I ran back to my dorm and collapsed onto my bed, crying! While crying, I suddenly shouted, "Jiang Zhe, you bastard!" I knew I had fallen in love with him, even though the scene of my confession was so ridiculous. Later, I also learned that the eight boys had been drinking together that day, and naturally, their conversation turned to women. Later, one of the boys in our class, Zhu Jun, insulted Jiang Zhe, calling him the biggest fool and coward in the world, saying he had no idea how to pursue women and would be a bachelor for life. He also said that if it were him, he could easily win over a woman like me, etc. Then, they started teasing him. They bet that if Jiang Zhe confessed to me that day, each of them would lose 50 yuan. Jiang Zhe probably felt too embarrassed that day, and coupled with the fact that he had drunk a lot, he took the group of boys to the library, and then, the scene I described earlier happened. After graduation, I married Jiang Zhe, and later we had our daughter, Qinqin. Jiang Zhe wasn't good at expressing himself, but he did a lot of things around the house. At that time, I went to work at a publishing house, and he went to work at a pictorial magazine company, but we were both editors. During those years, the publishing industry was being impacted by individual booksellers, and publishing houses were undergoing a transformation, beginning to pay attention to the market and implementing some incentive measures. At that time, I was constantly thinking about how to land a bestseller. I read many newspapers and magazines every day, hoping to find publishing leads. Finally, one day, I saw an article in a newspaper about a person who had become very popular during the Cultural Revolution. Because he was favored by the Gang of Four, he had been under investigation after the Gang of Four fell from power. Now, he had just regained his freedom, found a small job, and was preparing to live a normal life. I was immediately intrigued. A person who had been at the height of his political fame and once a powerful figure had become a prisoner overnight, and now had to endure loneliness, social neglect, and financial hardship in his later years. If I could write about this dramatic rise and fall of his life, given his fame during the Cultural Revolution and his current situation, it could become a major selling point. Such a book would definitely be a bestseller. I immediately contacted the newspaper, found the reporter, and got the address of this former red figure. The next day, I went straight to his house. To my surprise, after knocking for a long time, only a woman answered from inside. She wouldn't open the door, so I explained my purpose through the door. The woman said they were now ordinary workers and didn't want to be public figures anymore, nor did they want to be interviewed. The previous report had already caused a lot of trouble, and they didn't want to deal with the media anymore. I said I wasn't from the media and that it would be better to talk face-to-face. The woman paused for a moment and then said, "Forget it! I'm sorry, we really don't want to appear in public anymore. And his health isn't very good right now. I'm sorry, please understand!" Since she had said that much, I didn't know what else to say, but I really didn't want to give up such a good story. I sat on her door and waited to see if they would come out. I waited until 9 pm, but they didn't come out. I went home. I was hungry and cold. Jiang Zhe and the child had already finished eating; he was discussing math problems with the child. When I came in, Jiang Zhe said the food was in the kitchen and went to heat it up for me. I put down my schoolbag and ate while thinking about how to persuade that "red" figure again. Jiang Zhe sat at the table for a while, but seeing that I didn't look up and just kept eating, ignoring him, I heard him sigh and go back to the children's room. That night, lying in bed, Jiang Zhe told me that Qinqin's stomach hadn't been feeling well lately, probably because she wasn't used to the school food, and asked if we should think of a solution. He also said that at the parent-teacher meeting yesterday, the teacher said that Qinqin's math had dropped significantly recently and that the parents should pay attention to her. At that time, my mind was full of thoughts about how to secure this topic. I didn't say anything to Jiang Zhe. Later, Jiang Zhe's hand reached under the covers and touched my breasts. Every time he wanted to have sex with me, he wouldn't say anything, he would just touch me like that. Even during sex, he was very careful, always watching my eyes for signs. I grew up in a very traditional family and never really understood the concept of sex. I've only been with Jiang Zhe in my life, and he always treated me like a goddess. He was always very careful during sex, never...There was nothing out of the ordinary. I don't think I've ever really let my emotions run wild. We've always been so proper and reserved. So, the sensations women experience during sex described in those books published in society—the tingling, the weakness, the heat—don't seem that intense. Jiang Zhe was always hesitant in his movements. Several times, I felt that at the moment he penetrated me, he would straighten up, hold my legs, as if he really wanted to open them to see how he penetrated me. Every time, I felt that this action was particularly indecent and lewd, and I would desperately try to keep his legs from seeing. Each time, he would see me like this and then give up. That night, I was completely devoid of emotion. I mechanically pushed his hands away, then turned my back to him and rolled over. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, then leaned closer, forming a zigzag shape to match my sleeping position, pressing his whole body against mine. His hand reached under my armpit, grasped my breast again, and gently kneaded it. His lower body rubbed against me from behind, but I didn't move. After a while, I asked Jiang Zhe, "Do you think that old guy will agree to publish the book?" Jiang Zhe suddenly stopped moving, then abruptly pulled his hand away, rolled over, and mumbled, "I don't know!" I turned around, leaned on his shoulder, and said, "What's wrong? Why don't you care about me?" Jiang Zhe didn't speak, but slightly pushed my hand away, saying, "Go to sleep!" Then he fell silent. The next morning, I went to their house again. Finally, around 4 pm, the couple came out. I hurriedly greeted them, saying I had bothered them yesterday and only wanted to apologize. They seemed embarrassed after I said that. Later, they even invited me into their home. From then on, I didn't mention publishing the book anymore, but I kept going to their house, helping him with job matters and resolving his daily inconveniences. At that time, their neighborhood was undergoing demolition. They lived in a private house, which had been classified as public housing during the Cultural Revolution, making some policies difficult to implement during the demolition process. I helped them find friends to pull strings, and finally, a demolition compensation plan was reached according to their requirements. Later, they were the ones who agreed to publish the book. I immediately recommended a writer to them, and they dictated the story. The writer adapted and recorded it into text. Frankly, this was probably the most brilliant achievement in my career as a publishing editor. Because after the book was published, it immediately topped bestseller lists everywhere. My reputation in the publishing industry soared; everyone mentioned me as the bestseller author. During that period, I was both busy and excited. To promote the book, the publisher arranged for me and that former revolutionary figure to go from province to province for launch events and book signings. I was practically never home during that time. I thought to myself, thank goodness for Jiang Zhe; otherwise, how could I have been running around like this every day! I knew that this book could be considered a stepping stone in my career. Dibo's expression stiffened a bit as he said this. Then he stood up and said he would make some more tea, and then took the teapot into the kitchen. A little while later, she came out of the kitchen, and I saw that her eyes were red. She had clearly been crying there. She smiled at me, trying to hide her emotions, and said, "Have some tea! Have some tea!!" "I'm not going! To hell with the launch!" I was busy with my book, and every time I came back from out of town, I would excitedly tell Jiang Zhe about it. Jiang Zhe would listen without saying a word, and I would often talk to myself for a while, seeing that he didn't react, I would angrily yell, "I'm talking to you, don't you hear me?!" Jiang Zhe would then say, "I'm listening! Go on, go on!" That night, as we slept in bed, I suddenly realized that since I rejected him last time, he seemed to have never taken the initiative again. I wondered if it was because I didn't want to, he was afraid. He always acted according to my mood. This kind of thing was probably no exception. I thought I shouldn't ignore him too much. So I took the initiative to be closer to him. In the past, he would have been overjoyed, though such moments were rare. But that day, without turning around, he reached out and patted my waist, saying, "Rest, rest!" I felt a surge of gratitude, thinking Jiang Zhe was truly considerate. Then, finally, one time—I think it was right after I returned from Jinan—I came home to find a table full of food. I washed my hands, sat down, picked up my chopsticks, and casually asked, "Have you eaten?" Jiang Zhe took a while to answer, "Qinqin went to her grandma's today." I asked, "Why?" Jiang Zhe suddenly said to me very seriously and solemnly, "I want a divorce!!" I said, "What?" His answer was still so serious and solemn: "I want a divorce!" You know how I felt at that moment—I was speechless, completely stunned. I never imagined Jiang Zhe wanted a divorce. I put down my chopsticks and asked him directly, "What's wrong? Weren't we doing fine?" At that moment, Jiang Zhe truly became a Jiang Zhe I didn't recognize. Without hesitation, he quickly retorted, "Do you really think you're doing well?" Then, without letting me speak, he launched into a tirade: "Xiao Bo! You're great, but do you know what? Living with you is exhausting. Not physically—I'm married now, and I'm not afraid of being tired from housework; it's a responsibility of marriage, something I should do. I'm talking about emotional exhaustion. After so many years of marriage, you've never considered my feelings. Your entire life, whatever you want, revolves around you. You always expect me to accommodate you, as if everything I do is my duty. Xiao Bo, I'm so tired of always accommodating you! I know how you'll react to this, whether you react or not, I don't care anymore. I just want a divorce." The author and I were supposed to go to Sichuan the next day, but I immediately called them and told them I couldn't go this time. Guan Jin from our room immediately panicked, saying, "You arranged all the events there yourself. If you don't go, we won't know the arrangements, we won't know who to contact, that won't do!" For some reason, before Guan Jin could finish speaking, I blurted out into the phone, my voice trembling with tears, "I'm not going! To hell with the launch event!" and then slammed the phone down. After hanging up, I was completely lost. Not knowing what to do, I took out my phone book and called Zhu Jun, who was also our classmate and had a good relationship with Jiang Zhe. He was the one who started the conversation at school, encouraging Jiang Zhe to confess his feelings to me. As soon as Zhu Jun answered, he asked, "What did Jiang Zhe say?" I said, "He didn't say anything, he just wants a divorce." Zhu Jun was silent for a long time on the other end of the line, then said, "Come over here!" So I went. Only after Zhu Jun told me what had happened did I realize that while I was busily developing the book market and looking for topics, Jiang Zhe and Qin Ruyun, the editor in their room, had started a relationship. Qin Ruyun was supposed to be an editor, but she was actually just a cleaning girl from Sichuan they found for their office. She just happened to be exceptionally diligent. Gradually, besides cleaning, she also took on some editorial work, which basically consisted of delivering and picking up manuscripts. Since they were a pictorial magazine, the main editorial work was done by the magazine's art editors. That girl wasn't very educated, at least seven or eight years younger than Jiang Zhe, and according to Zhu Jun, she wasn't particularly pretty. I was stunned. It took me a while to recover. I asked Zhu Jun, "Isn't that girl just taking advantage of her young age?" Zhu Jun said, "We've been classmates for years. I'm telling you this about Jiang Zhe not because she's young." I said, "Then what did he see in her?" Zhu Jun said, "She's hot! She's sexy! She's considerate of men. She makes men feel like men. In other words, she gives them confidence. Men aren't tired being with her, and you haven't given them any of that. To be honest, when Jiang Zhe told me about this over a year ago, I really understood him. I've always covered for him. It's not that I'm a bad person! Don't let my bluntness fool you; I'm not a bad person at heart. But in your marriage with Jiang Zhe, I feel especially sorry for him. Back in school, Jiang Zhe really saw you as his goddess. On the night of your wedding, he told me that winning you over was his..." A lifetime of glory. But marriage is about daily life, pots and pans, and having to treat you like a goddess all day. You're so cold, so aloof, you don't even bother with household chores, so Jiang Zhe is just too exhausted to handle it. Qin Ruyun isn't very educated, and sometimes her words are quite vulgar, but she absolutely makes men the focus, the center of attention. To be honest, Jiang Zhe and I have been best friends for so many years, and he's told me more than once that in bed, Qin Ruyun's flirtatiousness and passion gave him a satisfaction he'd never experienced before. I interrupted him: "Don't say anymore..." I don't know how I left Zhu Jun. I must have looked terrible then, completely lost, like my whole life had collapsed. At this moment, I felt that the bestselling book I wrote was a pointless "making trouble out of nothing," and I just wanted to keep wandering the streets. I walked until about 4 PM, then collapsed onto the curb, ignoring the astonished stares of passersby as a well-dressed woman sat there, tears streaming down my face. Then I stood up and decided to find Qin Ruyun. I really wanted to see what kind of person she was, someone who could kidnap someone as loyal and honest as Jiang Zhe. I forgot to call a taxi and ran, taking about two hours to reach Jiang Zhe's office. It seemed like it was already after get off work hours; the whole building was dark. But Jiang Zhe's office on the second floor was lit. I rushed up to the door. Suddenly, I heard Jiang Zhe burst into a particularly hearty laugh. To be honest, in all these years of marriage, this was the first time I'd heard Jiang Zhe laugh so unrestrainedly. Without thinking, I pushed open the door and saw Jiang Zhe sitting there, leaning against a woman's chest. The woman was sitting on the desk, her arms wrapped around his neck from behind, talking to him with her head down.Jiang Zhe's loud laughter must have been triggered by something this woman said! They both looked relaxed and cheerful. Hearing the door open, they both jerked their heads up and froze. Standing in the doorway, I vaguely felt Jiang Zhe suddenly sit up straight, arms outstretched as if to protect the woman. This action broke my heart. Ignoring all that, I snapped at Jiang Zhe, "I'm not talking to you!" Then I pointed at the woman and said, "You! Come here!" Jiang Zhe immediately stood up, turned around, and hugged the woman, whispering, "Don't go over there, don't be afraid! I'll handle this!" The woman was Qin Ruyun. She was a typical Sichuan girl—not exactly beautiful, but clearly the kind of woman who knew how to pamper and coax a man. But she wasn't the naive country bumpkin I'd imagined. Not only was she not afraid, she pushed Jiang Zhe's hand away and said, "Don't worry, I'll talk to her, you go first!" Then she walked straight to me. Her calm demeanor left me speechless for a moment. You know, I lost that conversation terribly. After watching Jiang Zhe slink away between the two of us women, Qin Ruyun generously pointed to a chair and said, "Sit down!" I was completely deflated by then, and mechanically followed her invitation to sit down. Once we started talking, I realized I was no match for her. She tried to persuade me, threatened me, and even cried, but in short, she wanted me to let Jiang Zhe go, promising him happiness. I was completely on the defensive. I only remember her saying the most hurtful thing: "Sister, you're educated, but you don't understand men. You don't know what men like." The way Qin Ruyun looked at me and the things she said were the most serious hurt I've ever suffered in my life, so much so that it has stayed with me ever since, like a coat you have to wear all the time, but can never wash clean. This stained coat is right there in broad daylight, making me feel ashamed. The self-confidence I had built up in the first half of my life was shattered. You know, during those days, I was immersed in an abyss of self-blame every day. I was afraid to see anyone, so insecure that I was convinced I couldn't do anything right. It felt like I was constantly apologizing, and late at night, I even felt that my very existence was a disgrace. I finally couldn't take it anymore and went through with the divorce proceedings with Jiang Zhe. But during those days, I suddenly craved family affection. I finally thought, I've lost everything, but I can't lose my family. Without family support, I might live a life worse than a dog. I proposed that the divorce was fine, but I would get custody of our daughter. Actually, for so many years, I've been busy with my own things all day long, and Jiang Zhe has basically raised our daughter. Qinqin is also closest to her father. During those days, Qinqin was like a lifeline in my life, so I persuaded her... well, how should I put it! It was Jiang Zhe who persuaded Qinqin to stay with me. Regarding the divorce, Jiang Zhe always felt guilty towards me. I know he must have been reluctant to part with Qinqin, but he tried his best to meet my requests. Less than a year after the divorce, Jiang Zhe married Qin Ruyun. They're doing well now and have a son. I was 38 when I got divorced, the most awkward age for a woman. I rearranged the room. When only Qinqin was home, I'd cook a proper meal. If she went to her grandmother's or father's, I didn't even feel like cooking for myself. I didn't want to eat at home, nor did I want to eat out alone. I'd just sit on the sofa, reading the newspaper and snacking on random things, and the evening would pass by. Before the divorce, I didn't care who I associated with, and I talked to anyone freely. My office colleagues and friends—we'd tell all sorts of dirty jokes without restraint. I didn't care where I went. But after the divorce, everything changed. When interacting with men, you might not even realize it, but they'd already have their own ideas. Even at the dinner table, I had to be extra careful about what I said to colleagues, lest misunderstandings arise. And I kept encountering unfair and upsetting situations, which made me realize that society still discriminates against divorced women. Plus, things that I used to not care about now felt incredibly unfair. My heart became sensitive and fragile, and I eventually lost the courage to socialize. As soon as I got off work, I wanted to lock myself in my house and not go out. My parents were heartbroken to see me like this, so they asked relatives and friends to introduce me to potential partners. But what they introduced me to was shocking – the men were either very old, around 50, or had strange quirks, or were incredibly ugly. Every time I met them, I felt terrible for a long time. At those times, the kindness Jiang Zhe showed me would vividly resurface in my memory. Jiang Zhe always gave me a warm feeling; without him, seeing those kinds of guys made my heart feel incredibly cold. My parents sighed constantly. They agreed, saying that men over 40 through introductions were unlikely to be good. Later, I refused to meet any more men; I decided to just stay home and raise my daughter alone. What happened next... it seems like a year later. One day, Zhu Jun called me, saying he had invited some classmates and a few business friends from out of town who had come to Beijing to make their fortunes, and wanted me to come. Ever since our last conversation, Zhu Jun had felt guilty towards me for keeping Jiang Zhe's secret from me for so long. During the year since our divorce, he had called me frequently, always asking me for help. I knew he meant well, but what could I possibly argue with Zhu Jun now? When he called me, I hesitated for a moment, and Zhu Jun knew what I was worried about, immediately saying, "Jiang Zhe isn't coming." That night, Zhu Jun arranged to meet me at a very famous bar in eastern Beijing. It was a huge place, always so dark and gloomy. I had been there a few times with Zhu Jun and his classmates, and the atmosphere suited my mood; at least I didn't feel too uncomfortable there. There seemed to be a lot of people that day; the group was packed together. Zhu Jun first introduced a CEO of some Taiwanese company named Wu Haoge, saying that he was treating everyone that night. He was new to Beijing and wanted to make more friends. I noticed he was chubby, but without a beer belly, and wearing a high-end suit. He always had a humble smile on his face. Later, we played a drinking game that Mr. Wu introduced to me, a popular game among young Taiwanese people called "Truth or Dare." It involves playing rock-paper-scissors to determine the winner, and then everyone asks the loser: "Truth or Dare?" If you choose dare, they make you do something incredibly embarrassing that you'd never dare to do normally. If you choose truth, they ask you a very private question, and you have to answer truthfully. If you can't do it or can't say it, you have to drink a penalty shot. It was a really exciting game, and we had a blast that night, shouting and yelling. When it was my turn that day, I don't know why, but on a whim, I chose "Truth or Dare." As soon as I made the choice, all my close friends excitedly cheered. Seeing someone as always rational as me choose "Truth or Dare" was really exciting for them. Zhu Jun, with a mischievous grin, whispered to the others and then said, "Show Mr. Wu your lingerie." My face flushed instantly. Normally, if someone said something so vulgar, I would think it was incredibly low-class. But for some reason, that day I had this urge to let loose. I didn't object, stood up, walked to Mr. Wu, bent down, and unbuttoned one button, then another, until I had unbuttoned three in total. My breasts, covered by a flesh-colored bra, were exposed to Mr. Wu. The whole scene erupted. The other young people in the group all looked over. Wu Haoge waved his hands awkwardly, saying repeatedly, "It's okay! It's okay!" At that moment, I suddenly felt incredibly relieved. Later, I thought it might be because Jiang Zhe left me because he thought I was a "cold beauty," and told Zhu Jun that Qin Ruyun was particularly promiscuous, which gave Jiang Zhe a sexual pleasure he had never experienced before, stimulating me. I felt a kind of pleasure of being a bad woman at that time, a feeling of revenge on myself and others. That night, I lost many times, drank a lot of alcohol, and definitely made a lot of fools. Because later I almost uncontrollably started unbuttoning my clothes, talking nonsense, everyone probably saw that I was acting strangely, so they asked Zhu Jun to stop me. Zhu Jun came over and hugged me, buttoning my clothes. I unbuttoned one and he buttoned it one, while comforting me, "Okay! Okay!" I just smiled foolishly at him. While patting my face, he complained in my ear, "If you had done this earlier, would Jiang Zhe have left you!" Well! He didn't say anything, but once he said it, it was like a floodgate was opened. I suddenly stopped moving, then threw myself onto the large coffee table, buried my head and cried loudly. Everyone was stunned by my crazy behavior. Everyone stood there, looking at each other, unsure what to say. Later, I realized the scene must have been incredibly awkward. Zhu Jun said to everyone, "Should I take her home first?" At this moment, Wu Haoge stood up and said humbly, "Mr. Zhu, it's more appropriate for you to stay here; you brought all these people." I don't know why I was so heartbroken at that moment. Perhaps it was a pent-up resentment that had been building up inside me since the divorce, which I hadn't been able to release until that day, fueled by alcohol, finally burst forth. I sat in Mr. Wu's car, still crying! Crying! Mr. Wu seemed a little lost driving, cautiously asking me for directions to my home several times. Each time I glanced up and pointed, I would cover my face and sob again. Later, Mr. Wu and I went home. He helped me to bed, and then sat quietly and attentively beside me, without saying a word. Later, I calmed down, and then I said to Mr. Wu, "I'm sorry!" Mr. Wu kindly said, "It's alright! Everyone feels like this sometimes.""That moment." In that instant, hearing his soft, Taiwanese-accented Mandarin, a warm feeling enveloped me. For the first time in so many days, my fear and anxiety subsided. I wanted that feeling to belong to me forever. Perhaps it was because I was so lonely, or perhaps it was because I so desperately wanted to hold onto that warmth. That warmth, after Jiang Zhe's departure, never returned, except for the day Mr. Wu took me home drunk. I was so attached to that feeling; for that feeling, I fell in love with Mr. Wu. Those were truly a period of rebirth. Mr. Wu and I were blissfully happy together. He and Jiang Zhe were similar in temperament, both exceptionally humble and warm, but Wu Haoge could arouse my boundless passion in bed. When we made love, it was like a dragon playing with a phoenix; we were always so engrossed. Seeing Haoge's expression of extreme pleasure, I realized I had truly wronged Jiang Zhe before. Perhaps people can be more forgiving when they are happy. During that time, I even stopped hating Jiang Zhe and felt a little sorry for him. Nourished by love, I rediscovered my passion for publishing. This time, I tackled several topics simultaneously, working like a happy little bee every day. During those days, Zhu Jun would always tease me, "You're alive again!" This happiness didn't last long. Hauge had become a regular at our house; he often stayed overnight. I even gave him a key, telling him he could come anytime. I had already decided in my heart that he was my remarriage partner. It happened very simply. That day, we were shopping together at the mall. Just as we were about to swipe our cards, his phone rang. He was busy answering the call, so he handed me his wallet, gesturing for me to swipe it for him. The instant I opened the wallet, I saw a family photo of him and his wife—it must be his wife, because in front of them stood three children of varying heights, the tallest looking about eleven or twelve years old. They looked like any other happy family. Everyone in the photo was smiling so happily. That night, Hauge and I had a huge fight. I called him a liar, saying he had a wife and was dating someone else. Hauge looked aggrieved and told me he wasn't lying. He said I had never asked him if he was married. I said, "Didn't you say you were 36? You're younger than me! How come you already have three children?" Hauge said, "I am 36, and I have three children. In Taiwan, it's normal to have three children at that age!" Then he professed his loyalty, saying he truly loved me! He even said that if we were together and happy, what did it matter if we were married? You know, my family was broken up by a third party. I know how much emotional damage that third party caused me. Now, to be the third party myself—isn't that a huge irony? My conscience, the hurt I've suffered, doesn't allow me to be a third party. Having gone through all that, I could never be a third party. From my faith, from my dignity, from my conscience, from my feelings, I cannot tolerate being that third party. From then on, I couldn't be with Wu Haoge. Whenever I was with him, the image of that gentle, kind woman in his family photo would immediately flash into my mind. I couldn't let her suffer the same kind of hurt I had experienced. Especially since that hurt came from me, which I simply couldn't bear. I had a vague, ambiguous feeling in my heart, but that was it. Leaving Wu Haoge, my heart truly grew cold and hard. Nothing is more devastating than a dead heart. Let me read you a passage from my diary from that time, and you'll understand: "People say, celebrities say, great men say, 'Without love, one cannot live, nor can one truly live.' Yet, seeing so many people around me living without love, without affection, relying on sisterly love, on the love of friends, or on stealing love from other people's husbands and wives, or even on watching TV dramas every night, just to maintain the existence of life, letting the days slip away." These fleeting days, sometimes slow, sometimes fast, gone in an instant, impossible to grasp, yet utterly wasted. Reaching middle age, my heart finally finds peace, undisturbed by anything, indifferent to the world. Whether it's love from a lover, sisters, or friends, whether it's love or not, whether stolen affection remains or not, it doesn't matter. The hormones in my body abandon me at this point, leaving behind a tranquil, desireless state of mind. Some tell me this is what it means to be free from confusion, but in truth, confusion is futile; this is all I can do. But my heart is dead, my body is not. Although I had just passed middle age, the fire within me was always hard to extinguish. Especially in the dead of night, my whole body felt like it was enveloped in scorching lava, churning and flowing within, unable to find an outlet, so I would toss and turn in bed, legs wrapped around the blanket. Looking in the mirror in the morning, my eyes were swollen, my lips dry and slightly parted. Sometimes I would mock myself in the mirror, wondering if the lava would burst from my nostrils. During those days, I had to consciously control myself every day. To distract myself, I created many things for myself, one of which was to take meticulous care of my daughter. But at that time, Qinqin was at an age where she was going through a rebellious phase, and since I hadn't taken care of her much before, I was always unclear about her likes and dislikes. The food I bought from the supermarket was always the things she disliked the most. My daughter was fed up with my constant concern and doing everything for her. And because I didn't understand her feelings, every time she became impatient with me, I felt even more aggrieved. I don't know why, but I would always have a sudden outburst of anger, followed by crying and nagging. At first, my daughter was stunned by my outburst and obediently kept quiet, but from then on, she became very distant from me, always saying she wanted to go to her father's. Later, when I had another outburst of anger, she would pack her things and slam the door without saying a word, and then Jiang Zhe would call, telling me that Qinqin had gone to his place and asking if I could stay for a few days. After he said that, I didn't know what to say. Later, one night, I was alone in my room, browsing the internet. I read an article about "false feelings." My heart skipped a beat. I thought, I can't keep torturing myself like this. At my age, if I date any man, I'll only ever be the other woman. I can't accept being the other woman. Can't I find a purely sexual partner? Thinking this, I boldly entered a chat room. After a few rounds, I found a target. I'd never chatted online much before, thinking I had too many acquaintances to talk to, so what was the point of talking to strangers? Now I realized how easy it is to meet someone online. Then I thought, no matter how well we get to know each other online, it's still a stranger. Arranging to meet at someone's home is too dangerous. It's better to meet at a hotel, preferably during the day, since the other person seems to do this often. Anyway, he easily decided on a location. That afternoon, I went. On the way there, I couldn't help but cry again, probably because I felt so pathetic! Having ended up like this, I don't know who to blame. How to put it... that afternoon I met that online friend. We didn't say much, and then we went to bed. In bed, I saw his dark face, looking sly. Judging from his clothes, he was at most a company employee, maybe a little more presentable than a factory worker. After we were done, we didn't say anything either. As he was leaving, he asked if I could still contact him. I sat on the bed, head resting on my knees, not looking up, and said, "We'll see!" He gave a contemptuous laugh and said, "Old lady! Bye!" I sat there feeling extremely frustrated. The anger inside me hadn't been released; instead, it had been replaced by nausea. I hated that man, hated myself, and felt utterly awful. I thought this would definitely be the last time. I realized that for me, sleeping with someone I don't like, someone I don't love, doesn't help me at all; it only adds to my troubles. Perhaps women and men really are different. We often see literary works depicting men who, after losing their beloved women, become promiscuous and sleep with countless women. Do you think none of those women he loved? Not really. In the end, he still thinks of his first love. He loved that woman so much, yet he could satisfy his desires with countless others. Women simply can't do that; it's very difficult for a woman to maintain a purely sexual relationship. Look at me now, I'm doing quite well with Xu Zicheng from our third editorial department, but we're just close friends. My experiences make it impossible for me to be a third party, and I can't accept a sexual relationship without love. At my age, finding someone to marry is practically a pipe dream. Actually, after everything that's happened, and considering my age, my heart is long since at peace. There's nothing between Xu Zicheng and me; we just admire each other and enjoy being together. I won't sleep with him, but I don't mind him hugging me, or even kissing me when he's happy. We might just be attracting attention temporarily. Then it'll be nothing more than that, and we'll go back to our own lives. Or maybe the attraction will last a little longer. There's a vague, ambiguous feeling in my heart, but that's all it is. He definitely doesn't want to be heartbroken over love, and I absolutely won't jump into that fire again. Actually, I think there's a kind of feeling between men and women that transcends romantic love. This kind of feeling doesn't involve marriage, sex, or anything else that's required for romantic love. It's a feeling that's better than just being good friends. I think it's most beautiful when men and women can maintain this kind of state. Of course, I know that to maintain such a pure and natural love, without involving sex, requires a high degree of self-control from both people. This self-control comes from cultivation and a thorough understanding of life; these things give you good self-control. Xu Zicheng and I are currently in this situation, and I quite like it.This feeling... These days, we've been working together on a bestselling book series. It's a completely commercial operation, with the topics chosen from a commercial perspective. Zicheng and I want to publish it as a commercially viable series with a major national publishing house. We both hope to prove our abilities once again in this commercial endeavor. Dibo sat cross-legged on a large cushion, holding a cup of hot tea. Her face seemed to instantly regain its vibrancy. A life experience had transformed this woman—who had suffered for love, been hurt by love, been teased, and even sexually manipulated—into an intellectual woman. She had learned to enjoy herself and appreciate herself. She knew that in the vast ocean of human emotions, modern people knew too little and tried too little. Years of ingrained values were hindering people from exploring the waves deep within their emotions. Dibo said: "Honestly, the biggest benefit of being with Zicheng is that I've gradually regained my self-confidence and enthusiasm for life. The greatest life lesson he taught me is that there are many enjoyments more valuable than love." Instead of tormenting yourself over love, explore the other side of life to the fullest, tap into your potential to the fullest, greet the sun with surprise every day, and take a good look at what else you can do and what else you can accomplish.

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