[A Girl with Depression] (01-02) Author: A Girl with Depression

Author: Depressed Girl
Word Count: 4321

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Chapter 1

It is said that what is written in the novel cannot be considered the author's own real experience, just like Lu Xun's village opera in the middle school textbook.
Even if the protagonist is "I" and the name is Xun Ge'er, it cannot be regarded as Mr. Zhou's life.

"I" am 19 years old this year, born into a small family in a big city. I have no worries about food and clothing, but I can't compare to
others in anything, especially after entering university, I can feel this more clearly. When walking with my three best friends
in the dormitory on the tree-lined path of the campus, when everyone is chatting and laughing, I can't join in the conversation at all. They talk about things like the concealer brand that my British friend
sent I've never heard of, or the Provence trip that I can go to on a whim during the summer vacation. In the past, I could still
echo with a few words of envy, but after a while, I didn't have the energy to respond.

Living together, I've consciously and unconsciously paid attention to the possessions of my roommate, the "rich and beautiful" girl. Gong, from Chengdu,
always had incredibly smooth and dewy skin, unmatched by any of the other girls in the dorm. However, I've seen her after a shower; while
her skin was good, it lacked that unbelievably fair and smooth look. Apparently, her family runs a business, and
her cosmetics are usually bought directly from overseas by relatives and friends. I consider myself just as good-looking as her even without makeup, but I can never
compare to those bottles and jars without a single Chinese character on them. The other two roommates were Xiaoyu from Chongqing and
Xiaoyao from Guangzhou. They weren't as boastful as Gong, but I vaguely knew that Xiaoyu seemed to come from a family of
civil servants , while Xiaoyao's family were both state-owned enterprise employees.

Girls' minds and personalities are like water, at least that's how it was for me. My psychology changed
drastically
. Even now, when I occasionally think back on my self-destructive behavior, I sometimes blame my circumstances—why was I, with my mild depression, placed around them, who constantly tested me?

I've always thought that depression isn't as likely to affect people
with great
It seems more likely that a small woman like me, struggling with poverty, poor grades, lack of motivation, and caught in a whirlpool of interpersonal conflicts and inner discontent, is the more susceptible. My depression was already severe during my senior year of high school, and I managed to get
through it with some antidepressants. Unfortunately, I was unlucky enough to barely get into my current, lower-tier university.
However, the suffocating, slowly simmering life of university has brought those problems back.
Paranoia and insecurity are ever-present. Even so, deep down, I haven't given up. I want to
escape the quagmire I've created for myself—for example, by seeking medication, talking to more people, or writing my story in a male-dominated
area , hoping to gain some attention and compassion that I don't receive in real life.

Antidepressants aren't actually expensive; my family can afford them. But the side effects are significant, and
taking the full course would definitely leave me feeling weak all the time. So I considered seeking psychological counseling, but the exorbitant prices at hospitals—hundreds of dollars for an
hour —made me hesitate. Until one day, I saw a poster outside the school cafeteria advertising
free , and I decided to give it a try.

I was seen by a male doctor named Xiu, who wore black-rimmed glasses and looked to be in his thirties. His hands and
skin suggested he had maintained them very well, the kind that comes from years of sitting in an office. His voice was gentle, and since I
had approached him myself, I roughly explained my situation, except for
mentioning that my well-off roommate had been the real trigger for my relapse since starting university.

Dr. Xiu told me how to cultivate hobbies, shift my focus, and how to channel negative energy
instead of avoiding it. I admit his advice made a lot of sense, but for some reason, I felt somewhat disappointed.
These methodological approaches didn't seem to resonate with my sensitive and easily hurt heart. After the conversation, he gave me
his WeChat ID, telling me I could talk to him whenever I felt down.

More than half a month passed, and I had almost forgotten about Dr. Xiu when he asked on WeChat
, "How have you been lately? I've been stationed at several universities and haven't had a chance to contact you."

"I'm fine, just so-so." "

Xiao Yi, you must interact with more people and go out more in life. Don't always stay in your dorm watching TV dramas. If you
keep at it, things will naturally get better."

"Oh, I know."

"Not only should you cultivate hobbies, but you should also regularly sort out your inner conflicts..." Dr. Xiu continued his
long-winded speech , but I was losing interest and no longer wanted to talk to him. I lazily replied,

"Oh."

There was no reply for a long time, and I thought that was the end of our interaction. After a few minutes, he
asked,

"Do you think what I said is useless?"

"Yes." My reply was simple and rude,
like .

"Actually, the fundamental problem is that a beautiful girl like you shouldn't live like this."

"Then how should I live?" I admit that when someone compliments me, my response is often more enthusiastic.
My appearance is practically my only asset right now, but even that asset is very fragile. I'm satisfied with
my fair skin and petite 165cm figure. In the south, I look tall in heels, and even without them, I still
look delicate and petite. However, my chest is flat, even less so than many men's. Although my small face and figure can
attract attention at first glance, my eyes and eyebrows are only moderately attractive.

"There was a girl like you before. You and she were very similar, even a little prettier, but for
various reasons, she was always restless and insecure. Later, she achieved the life she wanted. Now she's graduated and works for
a large company, earning 20,000 a month, plus various benefits and year-end bonuses. Most importantly, she
can freely arrange her work and life. She's fulfilled, so naturally, she doesn't overthink things anymore."

"It's hard to earn that much money in our major, especially since my grades aren't good. How did she succeed?"
He struck a chord with me. Logically speaking, I'm not bad either, so why am I living this kind of life?

"I introduced her to some social events, and a company CEO took a liking to her and
hired ."

Social events? A company CEO took a liking to her? I'm not stupid; considering what he said before, I guessed that this
Dr. wasn't as upright as I thought.

"Do you want to recommend me too?"

"Sure, if you want to go, dress up nicely. I'll let you know the time and place."
"There will be girls like you around, and I can guarantee that I won't force you to do anything. Once
you broaden your horizons, that illness will be cured."

"Let me think about it."

"Reply to me before tomorrow night. The list of attendees for those friends' activities needs to be finalized in advance."

Basically, I could tell what this Dr. Xiu wanted to do. After chatting on WeChat, I
felt conflicted, but I vaguely felt that deep down I had already made up my mind.

Chapter Two:

While staring blankly at my computer, my phone suddenly vibrated. "Remember to reply before tonight, Xiu."

Dr. Xiu's text message was like a lewd photo saved on my phone; I dared not
look at it more than once in my dorm room. All day, I was in a state of anxiety and hesitation, or perhaps I just lacked a little courage.
But perhaps ordinary readers would find it hard to understand the feelings of someone like me. This hesitation and anxiety, sometimes even making me
slightly feverish, was, for me, a good feeling compared to wildly imaginative paranoia.

"Xiao Yi, these are mangosteens air-freighted from Taiwan." While I was still in a daze, Xiao Gong had already returned,
carrying several small bags of fruit, and handed me one.

"Thanks, Gong Gong." I smiled at her reflexively.

Xiao Gong put down her things and came over to talk to me, fiddling with things on my desk. "Stuck in
your dorm room with your computer again?"

"Hehe, I think it's pretty relaxing."

Xiao Gong picked up a half-empty bottle of milky-white skin-softening toner from the table. "Xiao Yi, have you not used it?"

"Um..."

"Xiao Yi, I'm so sad. My relative brought it back from England, and I only used half a bottle before giving it to you, and you
just left it lying around." Xiao Gong pouted, her feigned anger actually quite cute, but I really
couldn't like it at the moment. Just two weeks ago, she was complaining in the bathroom about the skin-softening toner her relative brought back not working well, and now
she's given it to me.

"No, I'm just reluctant to use it. It's such a high-end thing, I've never seen anything like it before, hehe."

"Okay, I'll believe you this once. I'm going to take a shower now, my little Yiyi, be good."

After dealing with Xiao Gong, I breathed a sigh of relief and opened the American drama "Wasting Time." To be honest, I don't dislike her.
Just like I always reflexively smile at people, I also often reflexively feel uncomfortable because of these things.

"Dr. Xiu, I'm willing to go." While watching the drama, I subconsciously sent a text message to Dr. Xiu.

…………………………………………

The party scene—how to put it, it was completely different from what I imagined. There were indeed quite a few girls like me,
but everyone was dressed normally. Even my tank top and mini-skirt that revealed half my thighs were
considered quite striking. Dr. Xiu wore a suit today, looking capable, shrewd, and even a little handsome.

On the way here, in his car, he told me that such parties were actually quite normal, and I shouldn't think too much about it.
I blushed a little. Could it be that I've been thinking too much these past two days? After picking me up, Dr. Xiu went to pick up other people.
He said he was going to pick up four girls from different universities that day. I asked him why he didn't pick up a couple more and go together.
He said that if he took a bunch of girls with him, he would look like a pimp.

"Maybe you are a pimp," I muttered to myself, actually quite satisfied with his arrangement.

The party was held in a villa on the outskirts of the city, nestled against the mountain. In the lobby on the first floor, a
middle-aged man was lecturing on the Book of Songs under a projector, mostly about matters between men and women. Everyone listened and got to know each other. I noticed
that the men in the lobby were generally dressed quite formally and elegantly, while the women, like me, looked somewhat
naive and shy.

Among the girls present, I was relatively short, only 1.65 meters tall. My face was small, and I wasn't
particularly you looked closely. At first, no one approached me, and the only person I knew, Dr. Xiu, was nowhere to be seen. I
sat somewhat awkwardly in the first row in front of the projector, "listening attentively." "

Hello, my name is XX. May I ask your name, beautiful lady?" It wasn't until the atmosphere in the hall became somewhat
warm and familiar that someone came to talk to me, but the people who came were all rather unpleasant-looking.
After chatting with two people in a casual, half-hearted manner, I felt that Dr. Xiu's
story becoming increasingly distant from me. In the end, I wasn't good at pleasing men. This was true in school romances, let alone
pleasing older men who were a decade older than me. Their standards must be even higher, right?

Suddenly, I felt warmth on my shoulder.

A man pulled me into his arms. His movements were so gentle that I didn't even
realize did. My face flushed instantly. I turned around with an awkward smile, only to see a strikingly handsome
face with long eyes, low brow bones, and a shrewd look about thirty years old.

"Xiao Yi, I've been observing you for a long time. Even when others try to flirt with you, you accept it with a smile. You
're the girl with depression that Xiu mentioned, right?"

"No..." He knew my name? Had Dr. Xiu introduced me to others? This man
looked at me as if he were playing with something. I became even more uneasy, my narrow shoulders shrinking further in,
sinking deeper into his arms.

He naturally hugged me. "According to the rules here, intimate behavior isn't allowed on the first floor.
I just felt you really needed my hug." He looked at me and said, "My name is Long, a professor at W University
and a partner at a certain law firm. I've been observing you for a long time. If you don't mind me, don't say anything, I
'll take you upstairs."

It wasn't until after that night that I realized Long might have seen through me the first time we met.
With just a few words , I was led upstairs without any promises or physical contact as I had imagined. I was captivated
.

I then noticed that men were leading women up to the second floor, and the heavy door to the second floor was constantly opening and closing
. Fewer and fewer people remained, and some even left directly from the first floor.

Long's strong masculine aura enveloped me, and my legs felt weak as I climbed the stairs. "What am I doing? Am I
a prostitute?" I thought to myself, but when he looked at me, I quickly smiled at him.

The heavy, exquisite wooden door on the second floor was opened by the waiter, and a series of moans and groans came from inside.
A high-pitched female voice and the heavy, rapid breathing of a man moving inside could be heard. My already thin
legs went even weaker, and I almost leaned against Long. I had the illusion that I was willingly being raped. But if it was willing, how could it be
rape ?

The second floor consisted of hotel-style cubicles, each slightly smaller than the others. Each cubicle
was separated by opaque glass, yet one could vaguely see the figures engaged in intercourse inside.

The further we went, the more the women's lascivious moans filled my ears. Before coming, I had already resigned
myself fate; now, nestled against Long, he practically dragged me along, and my underwear was already wet…

"Let's go in." At the end of the corridor was an empty glass room, but unlike the others, this one was completely
transparent.

And why were there other people inside?

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