First love divorced woman

I've never been in a relationship in over 20 years, still a virgin o(╥﹏╥)o. Recently, I met a woman, thinking it would finally end my single life, but reality gave me a harsh stab.

1. We met online last year. According to her, she had been married before. From getting the marriage certificate to the divorce, it took about three months. She explained the reasons as follows: her family was well-off, her parents had a certain social standing, and her husband came from a rural background with an average job and family background, but he was caring. After the marriage, she inadvertently discovered his chat history with her parents, revealing that he was trying to extract money from her family. After telling her parents, she told the man that the family's assets would be donated to society. They argued many times, and finally, they chose to divorce. This is all the information she gave. Later, during our relationship, she also told me about her parents' situation, but I couldn't verify the exact details.

2. I met her during the period before and after her divorce. We were in a long-distance relationship, one in the north and the other in the south. At the time, I was a good listener and we often chatted, usually for a long time every day, eventually exchanging good morning and good night messages. Gradually, I developed feelings for her. Unfortunately, due to work commitments, our daily contact decreased, and I feel it fizzled out. Then, for work, I went to her city and we met for the first time. Later that month, during a chat, she told me she had feelings for me and asked what I thought. I hesitated for a long time because my family background isn't very good, but she encouraged me, saying that life is short and I should try to be with someone I love in the future. I impulsively decided to give it a try and agreed to date her. However, she said that due to family reasons, we needed to meet each other's parents before officially defining our relationship, so there was no final confirmation.

3. Last October, I invited her to visit my city for six days. I took care of all her food, accommodation, and transportation. Although we didn't hold hands, we fed each other. Later in November, I went to her city to see her for three days. This meeting was very unpleasant. I have zero experience in dating, so I wasn't very good at handling girls' details. She also has a short temper, so she often pointed out my problems on the spot, which left me very confused. Then, during the pandemic this year, she came to my city again on the first day of the Lunar New Year and stayed for ten days. Of course, I took care of her food, accommodation, and transportation again. After we went home, the pandemic became very serious, and we could only communicate daily. Then in February, she started working from home and was very busy, so we rarely communicated. We didn't call each other for a month, and I felt something was wrong. When I asked her, she got angry and said she was busy with work and rarely contacted her family. Finally, at the end of March, she proposed ending the relationship, and then a week later, she was interacting with other guys on Weibo.

Yes, I was cheated on.

4. Actually, I just wanted to write something down and vent. We've known each other for almost a year. The beginning was very sweet; we could talk all night every day, I'd sing to her, tell her stories, and talk about future plans, why I liked her, what I liked about her, and how much I liked her. Every day I had to learn from various sources how to be in a relationship, how to talk to her to make her like me. For her, I started learning to cook and lost weight (she thought I was fat), losing 17 pounds in two months. I started doing everything according to her preferences; she liked dolls, so I bought her three or four, each costing over 2000 yuan. When she was busy with work, I'd find a local fruit shop and have fruit delivered to her. Whenever she had any problems, I'd think of ways to help her.

5. We also agreed to write letters to each other and spent Christmas, Chinese New Year, Valentine's Day, and her birthday together. Every time, I racked my brains to choose gifts. I wrote down everything she liked and her habits, thinking that was enough to be good to her. Sigh, it was too much.

6. We had our share of conflicts. I had zero experience with this, and sometimes my words upset her. For example, if I didn't reply to one of her several sentences, she would criticize me. I changed that, and later I responded to every single one of her sentences. She disliked certain types of tone of voice, and I corrected that as well. She disliked my gentle personality, feeling insecure about it, and I'm working on that too. She disliked my harsh tone and work-like attitude when we chatted, and I'm trying my best to adjust that as well. I felt like I was full of problems, and I kept trying to change so we could get along better.

7. During this year's Spring Festival, she said we shouldn't chat too often, that we should give each other space, and that we should both find things to do, study, and improve ourselves. She mentioned that she often reads things to improve herself, and then she started criticizing me for always checking my phone and thinking about contacting her, suggesting I should study more. At the time, I thought this made sense. Later, after we broke up, my friend said that she had already started to dislike me, feeling I wasn't good enough for her. She was trying to find superiority in every way, making me feel like she was constantly tolerating me, which made me feel increasingly ashamed. This is what you call psychological manipulation (PUA).

8. Regarding material things, when we first started talking, she said there was no rush, that we couldn't become rich overnight, and that if things weren't good now, we could work on it later. She also said she could find a way. But later, she kept pressuring me about the house and car, as if we couldn't get married without at least 1 million yuan. She said the car would cost over 300,000 yuan, and the house would cost 1 million yuan, not including renovations. Then she often said she didn't want to put too much pressure on me, etc...

9. Actually, we knew each other for so long, but in the end, we spent less than a month together. I was completely invested, but unfortunately, we didn't even hold hands in the end... When we were staying at a hotel, I took her back to her hotel one night. She said she could go back and rest, so I jokingly said I wasn't going out. Then she got super angry, saying how could I talk like that, and that I didn't even ask if it was convenient for me to come into her room, showing no consideration for her feelings.

10. When she proposed ending the relationship, her reason was that we weren't getting along (but we had discussed this not long before; she said it was normal to have conflicts in a long-distance relationship, and we could work things out once we were together). She said I was suspicious of her (if I were suspicious of her, why would I be so good to her? Would I be crazy?), and that I was insecure (I don't know what insecurity feels like; although my family isn't well-off, I've never felt insecure). She also brought up material things (saying I don't own a house, so what's the future?). Basically, in less than a week, she overturned everything she had said before.

11. Moreover, she never acknowledged our romantic relationship. She suggested we go back to being friends, be comfortable with each other, and wait for things to develop in the future so we could have a chance to be together again. I decided to end the relationship immediately.

12. I asked her if she had found someone else suitable, and she said no. Then, a week later, she was posting affectionate messages with another guy on Weibo.

13. After we broke up, the doll I ordered for her last year, which we had a long wait for, was finally finished after the relationship ended. I didn't return it, since I had promised to give it to her. I had the shop send it to her. The letter she wrote to me is still unprocessed; I'll probably burn it.

14. Actually, there are many more details I haven't mentioned. I was heartbroken for a long time. After calming down, I realized I hadn't considered many things before. My friend said that a girl who truly likes you won't take advantage of you; giving is mutual. I never thought about asking her to buy me anything because I felt that in a relationship, the man should definitely give more.

Maybe I was wrong. In the time I've known her, the jewelry, electronics, dolls, and other everyday things I've bought for her have probably cost me four or five figures in less than a year. Besides three or four letters, local specialties, two short-sleeved shirts for my birthday, and a book she liked, that's about it. I was very happy at the time and even bought a storage box to keep it safe, not wanting to use it.

15. To be honest, I still don't understand whether she was lying to me, or if she never intended to be with me at all and just found a person to play games and chat with. Everyone around me says she's a con artist, but I still feel she put in a lot of effort. Was it worth it?

16. My first love affair was hurt so badly by her. I'm sure the older guys on this forum have been through this; do you have any good advice? I don't know if it's worth waiting for her anymore. Sigh, life really feels like more bitter than sweet.

【over】

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First love divorced woman

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