Entering Paradise Lost

Chapter 1.
Xian was a very active, capable, and successful girl. Strictly speaking, she was no longer of girlish age, yet she still possessed the heart of a girl. Perhaps due to her profession and status (in today's parlance, a career woman), she always kept her behavior restrained in her social circle. So much so that several of her close friends said to her, "Xian, what era are we living in? You're so open on the outside, but so conservative on the inside. All that radiant face and those grape-like eyes of yours is wasted, you career woman!"
Xian particularly hated being called a career woman. She believed that a woman who didn't know how to enjoy life wasn't a good woman. To maintain her intellectual vitality, Xian needs a regular emotional life, a harmonious sex life, passion, excitement, and the thrill of lovemaking. She brings this passion to her work. Her career is the symbol of her success.
Since taking on the contract, Xian has felt the competitive environment of a battlefield and the omnipresent atmosphere of challenge. It seems that if she takes a breather, she will be left behind; if she relaxes even slightly, she will be eliminated. Xian must maintain abundant energy and full work passion, constantly explore her potential, frequently generate creative ideas, and be better than others—in short, she must always remain excellent.
Xian always demanded this of herself; even if she didn't do something well, she would hold a grudge and involuntarily blame herself. Although Xian wasn't an aesthete, she was very serious. Xian truly was like that. She pursued perfection, so work and family shut her off. What Xian loved most, and what she hated most, was her excessive sense of responsibility.
Xian took everything about herself very seriously. Therefore, she found a husband she considered gentle and considerate, and for over ten years, they lived peacefully and serenely until a midlife crisis led to their separation. She never divorced him, but she also never resumed living together.
She thought it would be difficult to find a man in this world who could still move her.
The summer night was extremely hot. Xian lay in bed, feeling unbearably hot, so she got up and went to the bathroom to take a shower. As she dried herself, her full figure was reflected in the bathroom mirror, like a ripe fruit. She knew the difference between being fat and being full-figured. Xian then walked to the full-length mirror and carefully examined her reflection. Although she had given birth, she still maintained a youthful figure, graceful and charming. Although she was over forty, there were no wrinkles on her forehead or around her eyes, but she looked somewhat melancholy in the mirror. She was of medium height, and the mirror showed a full-figured, very well-proportioned body, with skin as smooth and shiny as satin. Xian smiled, and her reflection in the mirror instantly brightened. Her thin lips curved into a lively "I" shape, revealing shallow dimples at the corners of her mouth—a touch of playfulness mixed with a hint of elegance. She had large eyes and well-shaped eyebrows, forming a long, arched line, her features perfectly proportioned. Her skin was moisturized, a result of her consistent care. Her face wasn't the typical sweet, gentle type, but possessed a certain ethereal beauty and refinement, a charm that only those with discerning eyes could truly appreciate.
Xian noticed her breasts, like two sweet steamed buns, full and slightly dangling. Her lower abdomen was slightly rounded, her figure increasingly voluptuous. The curves below her breasts flowed naturally, rounded yet soft and supple. Xian straightened her chest, holding her breasts high. She stroked them with her hands; they were full, firm, and even more fragrant. Such full breasts were a man's haven, a source of milk for children… She knew the allure of full breasts. When riding the bus, people would often deliberately touch her breasts while reaching for the window.
Xian couldn't remember when her husband had ever said she was pretty. Sometimes he would just say "not bad," and she couldn't figure out what "not bad" meant. Perhaps her husband just meant she wasn't bad-looking, but he never said she was pretty, nor did he say she was a beauty. Even now, Xian didn't know if she was pretty or not in her husband's eyes. Only a few close friends said Xian was attractive, had a certain charm, and was the kind of woman men would fall for. Anyway, she felt good about herself now.

Xian rarely overdressed; her naturally sexy figure was radiant. She liked her natural, best image, to distinguish herself from others. But she was mindful of herself, never careless, carefully and naturally enhancing her features to highlight her mature and voluptuous strengths.
Xian turned to the side, looking at her hips and her two proud, long, slender legs… firm and smooth, slender and full. Touching her body in the mirror, she discovered her most sensitive, most arousing areas, and she found it incredibly pleasurable. Nudity is beautiful, and the union of man and woman is beauty upon beauty. She longed to offer her naked body to the embrace of a man who loved her, and to accept his nakedness in return… Her face flushed, even though she was alone in the bathroom.
Xian crawled into bed, still thinking about it. She lay alone on the large bed, her body suspended in the darkness. Her shadow, cast on the wall by the lamplight, was empty and lonely. An indescribable emotion welled up in her chest, a bittersweet feeling. How lonely and cold her skin felt without the touch of a loved one. A woman is always a flower; when she is a bud, she needs a man's loving care, and when she is in full bloom, she needs even more affection to nurture her. But what Xian lacked now was precisely this emotional nourishment to protect herself. She felt herself withering away. How she longed for the kisses and caresses of the man she loved… Women are vulnerable so often. How she envied those women who were like little birds, able to hide in the arms of the man they loved during storms, protected by his strong arms. That was the true woman. To be a small woman, letting the man she loved be drenched in the rain, to let him weather the storms and be tempered. No woman wants to become a strong woman like a man, but life is like that, and it all depends on your fate. If fate is bad, you have no choice but to marry and follow your husband wherever he is. If the man you marry is inadequate in every way and doesn't care about home, you are forced to become a strong woman, inevitably losing your former innocence and gentle nature.
According to Xian's ideal, she wanted to be a gentle woman, staying by the side of the man she loved and her children, living a free and easy life, doing whatever she liked, working hard for the man and children she loved, and growing old together with the man she loved. She often fantasized that her man would support her and protect her, that he would work and come home to leave his fatigue behind, and that she could feel the warmth of a family atmosphere; that the children would chase and play, and she and he would talk softly beside them, the whole family together, bathed in an ocean of love, happy and harmonious. Their happiness was her happiness, and she was willing to give anything for them, because they were her closest relatives… As life's hardships took their toll, the once lively and romantic woman became sensitive, suspicious, and quiet. She was like a dried-up river, feeling as if it had stopped flowing. How she longed for rain to come quickly, to irrigate her, to nourish her, to make her full and vibrant again. She wanted to become a real woman, yearning for a man's caresses. She felt her throat was parched, her heart pounding, unable to sit or stand still, restless and uneasy.
Xian thought to herself, "How many good times and years does one have in life? Isn't this time being wasted? I'm binding myself, degrading myself. How foolish I am! What's the point? Who am I keeping my chastity for? What's so great about men? Nobody's demanding this of me." But she really wanted to be like a prostitute, seducing men and randomly pulling one over, but she couldn't do it. It's because she's been married before that she understands... What is pleasure? What is orgasm? Knowing all the benefits of having a man, she felt she would go insane if
she continued like this. People use drugs because of loneliness and isolation; drugs induce hallucinations, bring them to orgasm, allow them to forget their troubles, and place them in a paradise. Xian craved and needed a man, but when actually facing one, she became arrogant, cold, and hypocritical, appearing virtuous in public. She was most afraid of people talking about relationships between men and women. Whenever her female colleagues at work spoke ill of her man, she wanted to hear it but dared not. This contradictory psychology tormented her, making her suspicious and anxious, always feeling that others were watching her and gossiping about her.
Xian had heard that Adam & Eve's shop sold electric dildos that looked just like the real thing, but Xian always believed that nothing could replace a living, breathing man—someone with feelings, blood, flesh, breath, and strength… How could a substitute possibly work? Don't laugh at lonely women; they endure far more pain than married women. Married women have their husbands' protection; they have love, sex, joy, and happiness. Lonely women have nothing, especially when they're sick. There's not even anyone to bring them tea or water. Even if they're too sick to get up, they have to cook for themselves and take care of themselves. Sex without love is immoral, and Xian had nothing—no sex, no love. She was surrounded and consumed by this loneliness, a loneliness like a high wall that she couldn't break through no matter how hard she tried.
She thought about this for a while, then grieved for a while. She vowed that if there were an afterlife, she would be a man in her next life. Less love, less pain, no more burdened and tormented by love and sex.
Xian felt her head growing bigger and bigger, throbbing with pain. She forced herself to sleep, but the more she tried, the less she could. She longed for a home, a complete home; a harmonious unity of sex and love, love encompassing sex, filled with joy and happiness, filled with warmth and sweetness—how blissful it would be to be surrounded by an ocean of love. Happiness and unhappiness are relative. Whether to rush in or rush out of the wall, one must think carefully. Xian, do you want to rush out of the wall?
It's so troubling. Xian felt she had never felt so overwhelmed as tonight. Thinking this to herself, her gaze was so cold, as if it could pierce through billions of light-years. Her heart was filled with sorrow, loneliness, grief, and fear. In this emptiness, she thought of filling herself up in any way possible, finding a stranger's body to make love to all night, without end, forgetting everything in unrestrained passion.
With longing, disappointment, and desire, she drifted off to sleep. She seemed to be asleep, or perhaps lost in a fantasy… She wore a black cheongsam that matched her mood, exuding an aura of excessive melancholy. In her deep black eyes was a sadness and confusion, like a lonely wanderer, not knowing where to go. Looking at the couples on the street, she felt increasingly sorry for herself.
She walked along a tree-lined avenue, its shadows swaying gently, then onto a narrow, lush path. Her cheongsam swayed softly in the breeze, like a giant flower blooming only at night, as if trying to gather everything beneath its black, supple petals.
Suddenly, Xian noticed a man following closely behind her. Startled, she felt a momentary paralysis, unable to move. But she quickly regained consciousness. She began to walk rapidly. She felt a cold sweat break out all over her body. She felt the man gradually approaching, and she heard him call out "Hey, hey!" Trembling with fear, a self-protective instinct propelled her to run. She ran blindly, stumbling and staggering, as if she might collapse at any moment.
She didn't know how she got home or how she closed the door. She leaned weakly against the door, clutching her pounding chest, tears streaming down her face, completely overwhelmed, like a widow without protection.
She cautiously went to the window and peeked downstairs. The man was looking up, which terrified her so much that she didn't dare turn on the light and quickly pulled her head back. She checked all three locks on the security door before slowly regaining her composure.
Still too frightened to turn on the light, she collapsed onto the bed, staring wide-eyed into the darkness. Lying in bed, she recalled the scene from just moments before. The man had followed her all the way home, from the side streets to the main street. He was probably thinking, "This woman isn't home in the middle of the night, wandering around aimlessly. She must be troubled, or perhaps divorced. Why is she all alone on this warm, romantic night? Could she be my prey…?"
She thought, "Isn't it all just a man pursuing a woman? I'm almost forty, what's there to be afraid of? Maybe I should just let that man rape me; that would satisfy my needs."
Xian wasn't a woman with a strong sex drive, but that didn't mean she didn't need sex. As the saying goes, "Thirty is like a wolf, forty like a tiger," and she was approaching that age. In the last two years, her sexual desire had become stronger, sometimes even bordering on insatiable.
Xian even regretted not running away. She thought: The man caught up with her, a hand patting her shoulder; she immediately sensed his ill intent. Just as she was about to get up and run away, he grabbed her wrist. She tried to call for help, but his other hand covered her mouth. She instinctively resisted, and he threatened, "Don't move, or I'll stab you to death!" She was so frightened that she didn't move. Then he told her to take off her clothes, so she took off all her clothes and was completely naked. "Lie down." She shuddered and obediently lay down. Then he pounced on her, and she was raped. She symbolically struggled and resisted, but in reality, she half-heartedly submitted, letting him embrace her… her needs were finally satisfied… Xian closed her eyes, her breathing even, her face flushed, as if she had just received a full-body massage, feeling both satisfied and comfortable, only a little tired. Xian entered a hazy, dreamlike state, where the only person she thought about was a man, a sexually capable man. If the man who raped her were the kind of person who indulged in flattery, she would definitely be more willing to be with him, dispelling her initial fear, achieving physical pleasure, and resolving her psychological imbalance. The man's sexual assault on her wasn't actually physical rape or harm; rather, it helped and satisfied her. Whether it was rape or help, it essentially completed her journey from desire to greed to satisfaction to peace.
Sexual desire is, after all, one of the strongest and most difficult to suppress human needs. Once aroused, it's incredibly powerful. And women subconsciously possess masochistic tendencies, enjoying a semi-forceful, fierce, and powerful man.
Xian herself couldn't understand how she had become somewhat promiscuous. She couldn't help but despise and hate herself. She berated herself inwardly: "How could I have become so shameless and pathetic?"
Human physiological needs change gradually over time, and men and women have different requirements in this regard. Men's libido is strong in their twenties, gradually weakening by their forties; while women are the opposite. In her twenties, her sexual desire was primarily for her man. For the first time, she unknowingly did what everyone knows is very strenuous—due to limitations, it was done standing up, and she didn't feel much. Over the years, as she approached forty, her sexual desire became extremely strong; perhaps this was what people call a second puberty, both physiologically and psychologically? She often saw middle-aged, sexually frustrated women, their eyes greedily wandering between men's trousers, their expressions like they were selecting a strong animal.
Xian was in her prime, full of energy and craving male affection. As a normal woman, she had the right to physical satisfaction, but she often failed to achieve it. Xian thought: perhaps it was because she had long been deprived of male affection and suffered sexual repression that she had developed these perverse fantasies, fantasizing about being raped by that man just now. Desire could turn a person like this; she felt she no longer recognized herself—it was unbelievable. She was a good woman; how could she have such wicked thoughts… Thinking this, Xian snapped out of her daze and couldn't help but cry.
She was still young, she still had hope. She didn't want to continue living like this; otherwise, she would collapse. She had to pull herself together, she had to overcome herself, and win back love.
Why did she have to restrain herself, making herself so insecure? You can't love and hate as freely as modern women, express yourself easily, live freely; you have to be shackled. Xian pounded the bed with her hard fists until she realized she was crying. She felt the cold tears trickling down her cheeks.
She hugged her arms, a chill she'd never felt before washing over her. She pulled the blanket up, burying her head further inside. It had
started raining outside, as if the rain had appeared specifically to comfort her loneliness. The raindrops were so small, yet so many, so many that they brought tears to her eyes again. If the world abandoned her, at least the rain wouldn't.
A lump formed in her throat, and a warm sensation welled up inside her. She began to hear her own sobs more clearly—sobs mixed with despair and gratitude.
Xian thought, "If I find someone who loves me, I will wholeheartedly appreciate that true love..." She lay down and got up again, lay down and got up again, drifting in and out of sleep until late at night.

Dawn was approaching. Xian was still lost in thought, feeling tired, but her brain remained active, both exhausted and unable to sleep. It was an extremely uncomfortable feeling.
Chapter 2
One early summer day, a new chapter in life was about to begin.
Xian and a male colleague, Yuan, whom she had known for many years at work but with whom she hadn't developed a close relationship, were coincidentally seated together in a meeting. Xian and Yuan, bored with the report, would occasionally write notes, exchange text messages, make witty remarks, or discuss serious matters. Finally, the two compared ages, with H claiming to be older than H, and H claiming to be older than H. They then decided to use their ID cards as proof: whoever was younger would treat everyone to karaoke at a tea bar.
H lost.
After dinner, H kept her promise and invited H to go out for karaoke, generously offering to have several pretty ladies accompany him. H readily agreed but declined the ladies' offer to stay with him.
A lone man and woman entered his quiet car.
H felt uncomfortable from the start. After all, she was alone with a man, and so close, sitting there with only a narrow gap between them. You see, Xian wasn't some wanton, frivolous woman, was she? Despite her discomfort, she felt a strange, indescribable feeling.
She liked men like him—tall, with a refined demeanor, a white-collar gentleman, mature and composed, his manners impeccable. He was dressed smartly that day: a blue plaid shirt with a light-colored gold-plated tie, and a Pierre Cardin suit. He was tall, his features sculpted as if by a knife, perfectly proportioned, with beautiful curves, his face radiating a gentle elegance. A charming smile played at the corners of his lips, like a portrait stepping out of a painting. His skin, smooth and lustrous like satin, though slightly yellowish, did not detract from his dignified and noble air. A sharp glint shone in his eyes; he was undoubtedly confident and satisfied with his own demeanor and appearance, a confidence that frequently surfaced in his words. He exuded a strong aristocratic aura and a deep-seated arrogance. This kind of charisma couldn't be feigned, nor could it be acquired quickly; it was the crystallization of generations of family tradition. Xian discreetly observed him. Tall and handsome, he possessed an innate, irresistible charm, his demeanor elegant and refined. This man was born to seduce women; she couldn't guarantee she wouldn't fall for him.
At some point, Gong moved closer to Xian, his hand gently resting on her shoulder. He was the muscular type. His bulging muscles silently seduced her. At these times, she often noticed Gong staring at her and her breasts, with a gaze that wasn't entirely innocent, perhaps even sinful. She knew that in this sweltering summer heat, she was wearing a white, square-necked, sleeveless blouse, her arms exposed, and although her nipples weren't visible, the fullness of her breasts beneath her bra held a powerful allure for men. She saw his dark, piercing gaze, shifting and uncertain. That aggressive gaze brazenly seared her face and chest, as if it had already stripped her naked. She saw his wicked intentions in his eyes: his lust for her body; she also smelled the scent of his rising masculine desire.
He knew how to ignite Xian's flame little by little. He not only had the heart of a thief, but also the audacity. He gradually took her hand in his, and Xian didn't feel particularly awkward; their heads involuntarily leaned together, without any shyness; suddenly, he embraced her, their passionate kiss like a surging tide, their faces flushed, their breaths rapid.
When Xing touched Xian's thigh, there was no resistance, and his tense mood immediately relaxed. His nimble left hand slipped into the skirt that barely covered Xian's thighs, while his right hand wrapped around Xian's waist and pulled her into a fierce embrace. Then, he draped Xian's sleeveless round-neck shirt over her high breasts like a piece of cloth, unhooked her bra, and pressed his chest tightly against her breasts. Xian's lips were slightly upturned as she met his gaze. Their noses did not touch, but they could feel each other's heat. Xing stared at her slightly closed face for a moment, exquisite, vivid, and beautiful. He was not kissing it, but trying to swallow it whole and chew it.
Just then, she felt something hot and hard touch her thigh. She gasped, and her hand unconsciously reached for it, but pulled back just as her fingers touched it. She didn't know that what he had in his pants was a special size. She cried out in surprise, breaking free from his hot and wet lips, and exclaimed, "No, you can't do this! Good heavens, are you a donkey or a horse? How can this thing be so big!" She had only ever experienced her husband's small to medium size in her entire life, yet her body remained completely still as he held her.
He held her close, his hands already moving like snakes. The skirt was too tight, so his hands frantically gripped the waistband, unbuttoning it at the back. His hands then slipped inside, searching downwards along Xian's skirt, groping and caressing her lower body. He held her, kissed her, touched her… finding what he liked about her, touching a wet patch.
Xian involuntarily succumbed to his skilled hands. In this man's embrace and caresses, she began to shrink little by little. She didn't move, nor did she want to; she was willing to shrink until she melted away, until she was gone. Her body began to slump limply in submission… Xian began to clearly understand the theory of the new generation: Don't resist what you can't control, face the desires you have no choice but to accept and cannot escape!
He laid the limp Xian down and began to peel off her skirt, pulling her stockings down to her knees in an instant. In his mind, it was like peeling a scallion; her pale flesh was naked before him. He reached his hand under her bra from behind, touching the clasp, and squeezed it open with two fingers. He then reached in with his other hand, caressing her smooth back and her full, fleshy breasts up and down. He removed her clothes and bra, leaving her naked body completely exposed before him. His hands cupped her full, naked flesh, gently caressing her plump breasts, his fingers tracing her nipples… His desire grew stronger… Sexual arousal had also clouded Xian's judgment; she knew that this last line of defense was likely lost for both of them. She trembled, lifting her hips involuntarily, opening herself to his body, and he moved quickly and without hesitation onto her.
She wanted to tell him not to be so impulsive, but her lips were already sealed by his burning kiss. She began to struggle instinctively, but weakly, pushing against his trembling body. He ignored her, kissing her as he roughly tore off the last piece of clothing she wore: her panties.
Xian felt a little scared. She felt her naked body being held tightly in his arms, awaiting his advance. Something inside her trembled, and something within her spirit hardened, ready to resist—to resist this terrible physical intimacy, to resist his swift possession; but this resistance carried a hint of desire.
Primal urges only require primal solutions. Almost instantly, Gong's hips thrust forward sharply, and Xian's body jolted. Her hands, which had been pushing him away, went limp. Gong's entry was powerful, primal… a deep, forceful penetration. He possessed her violently, like a beast, his advance piercing her tender flesh like a sharp blade. Xian felt his lower body approach her with a surprising power and decisiveness, but his forceful, uncompromising entry was so strange and terrifying that it made her tremble.
Instantly, a thick, hard, and hot thing filled Xian's wet lower body completely. This feeling was both familiar and strange: familiar because her husband had given her a similar feeling; strange because this thing was clearly different from her husband's. It was so long and thick, so powerful, and at first she was so uncomfortable from the swelling, especially when it was moved and began to slide back and forth. She almost cried out. She held him tightly and stiffly, gripped by a sudden terror.
He began to thrust rapidly and firmly, one hand gripping her bare shoulder, the other pressing against her breast, gazing at her face. He pulled her, holding her still, and continued to do as he pleased. He grew increasingly excited and began to move vigorously… She lay motionless, half-reclined against the car back, watching his intense movements on top of her, feeling him repeatedly and deeply penetrating her naked body, feeling the sudden tremor as he ejaculated, and then his thrusting slowed down. The moment he entered her completely, he suddenly felt Xian's body relax; not just relax, but become soft, the kind of softness that comes from surrendering to you, being at your mercy, as if she had been drunk or shot. It was the quintessential state of a woman's body being conquered, not by male force, but by male flesh. Her surrender begged for his masculine tenderness!
But Xian remained lying quietly, not retreating, tears slowly welling in her eyes.
He felt satisfied without moving; he still held her tightly, his legs pressing against her bare legs, his body on top of hers, warming her with an undeniable, intense heat.
After a brief pause, Guang slowly observed Xian's naked body, her full breasts, her proud nipples. His body, brimming with energy, stirred a powerful, irrepressible desire within him. He whispered, "I'm sorry to trouble you, I want to do it again."
Xian's body, now limp, still lacked strength. "...It's been too long...I'm afraid..."
Guang seemed not to hear him. He leaped up, grabbed Xian, and quickly thrust his erect penis deep into her again, continuing his powerful, forceful thrusts...His masculine roughness and frenzy aroused waves of irrepressible lust in Xian. At this moment, Xian felt her lower body contract, and sexual pleasure radiated throughout her body. The true orgasm formed a series of wave-like movements. It appeared and disappeared rhythmically, repeating itself, reaching a state of intermittent sensations again and again, blurred, descending, but not completely ceasing, without clear boundaries; this infinite feeling extended. When the orgasm simply arrived, she was unaware of where the pleasure came from; yet she knew clearly that it came from the clitoris, not the vagina.
Finally, the last wave of pleasure gushed out. In the instant he lost control, Xian was startled and paused for a moment, revealing a trace of unexpected fear, before losing herself in the deep passion of indulgence. Even after he climaxed and ejaculated, he remained inside Xian, moving gently within her... his hands constantly caressing her breasts... After an unknown amount of time and countless rounds, Xing and Xian completely finished. At this moment, Xian raised her wrist, glanced at her watch; fifteen minutes had passed since the meeting started. She whispered, "The meeting's started! The meeting time's over!"
The two quickly got dressed.
Xing said, "I'm the first one to speak in the group meeting."

"Who would have thought you'd be giving a solemn speech at the meeting, and now you're doing this!" Xian joked.
He bit her and said, "Nonsense! Let's go, let's go. Hey, no one will be going out in a bit." With that, he walked out of the car, still dripping wet, trying to appear calm, and strode away. Xian combed her hair, applied makeup, reapplied her lipstick, and straightened her clothes. Only when she was sure no one was outside did she drift out of the car like a leaf, catching up with Guang, and they walked quickly towards the venue together.
In Xian's memory of recent years, her husband's indifference made it difficult for her to face her past sexual desires. Although she didn't refuse his sexual advances, in that state of mind, when she had sex with her husband, she lay numbly beneath him, fulfilling her duties as a wife, feeling only that his weight was like a dark cloud weighing down on her sky.
Her husband's arousal was agonizing. Xian didn't know if he was satisfied; he would toss and turn for ages, leaving her with only physical, mechanical shock and exhaustion, not psychological satisfaction. Often, she was defeated, utterly drained, but never fully released.
Sometimes, when he was rough with her, Xian imagined a strong man raping her, and this thought brought her to a small physical orgasm. In imagining herself being raped, the man she was having sex with wasn't her husband, but someone else. She couldn't understand how she had become so pathetic, almost promiscuous. She couldn't help but despise and hate herself.
For a time, she suppressed her desires, avoiding sleeping with her husband at different times. Even after showering, she would keep her underwear on, savoring the vanity of his advances and rejections amidst a faint sense of guilt. This tendency gradually developed from unintentional to deliberate, surprising even herself. She had to admit she was toying with herself.
From the day Gang entered her life, her previously sporadic and mundane sex life with her husband suddenly became passionate. Orgasms, which had previously occurred only occasionally, were now easily achieved. The feelings of obligation, sacrifice, and routine faded away, disappearing completely. She felt utterly relaxed, burdened, and only wanted to fully experience and enjoy herself. This series of seemingly unfortunate mishaps ironically elevated her sexual experience, often reaching a state of "ultimate" ecstasy. She hoped her husband also experienced those subtle changes, even though they no longer had any other communication, and this primal contact was becoming increasingly rare.
Deep down, Xian longed for a perfect union of body and soul, for the appearance of a soulmate. Xian also knew that her fantasies of such perfection were ultimately unrealistic; beautiful things mostly exist in dreams and literature. For a woman like herself, burdened by countless responsibilities, enjoying such profound and unrestrained pleasure was already a rare treat!
No wonder some people say, "Find someone who loves you to be your husband, and someone you love to be your lover." If only you could have both! Although sex was the primary factor between her and Xing,
Xing remained Xian's sexual partner from then on. Unlike most people, they weren't hypocritical; their relationship was a genuine one, the most fundamental thing. He satisfied her normal physiological needs, and Xian wanted to fill the void in her emotional life.
Xing's libido was always strong. He often couldn't suppress his desire and strongly demanded to see her, which she never refused whenever she was free. Then they would begin making love passionately. In public, he acted like a gentleman, but in private, he would pin her down on the bed and do many "dirty" yet satisfying things to her. She was no longer as nervous and reserved as the first time, becoming very compliant and accommodating to his various demands, often doing a great job and finding some satisfaction in it.
At first, they did some shady things, having sex every ten days or so; later, they met frequently; for a time, they were very passionate, having sex frequently, sometimes multiple times a day.
They maintained a partnership.
Chapter 3:
Xian and Gong's first outing together was after her husband moved out.

They attended the second wedding of one of her classmates. The bride was five months pregnant when she got married. Because she was already thin, and her dress was made extra loose, no one except a few close classmates could tell. The bride wore a bright red suit with a deep neckline that revealed a deep cleavage. She greeted the guests with flair at the entrance of the grand hotel. Xian walked up to the bride with a smile and congratulated her. She placed her hand on the bride's stomach and whispered, "You've finally achieved your goal." The bride glanced around, smiled, and pushed Xian's hand away, saying, "Next, we'll see your new record."
Xian smiled, her face slightly flushed. She glanced at Xian, then turned to the bride and said, "Don't count on it. I'm an old woman now. You should worry about having your own baby and becoming a haggard housewife."
After leaving the wedding banquet, they walked along the riverbank. The river breeze was pleasantly refreshing, and there were quite a few people, mostly couples.i=27>Heng's arm was linked with Xian's shoulder as they walked slowly in the river breeze. Xian's thoughts drifted far away, and she suddenly said, "The bride's reception dress today is a bit too big. She originally wanted to cover her belly, but it turned out to be so big after fitting, it's swaying around. It seems that the wedding dress is really crucial." At this point, Xian's interest suddenly increased: "I remember designing my own wedding dress before, and now that I think about it, it was a bit too conservative."

He remained silent, neither responding to Xian's words nor turning to look at her. He kept his eyes fixed ahead, his pace quickening. Xian had no choice but to hurry and catch up with him.
Suddenly, Xing asked, "Have you thought about getting married again?"
Xian paused for a moment, thought for a second, and replied, "Yes."
Xing continued, "Then let's talk about marriage, okay? I don't mean when, but the possibility of marriage. Do you really think there's a possibility that you and I will get married?"
Having experienced so many relationship risks, Xian sighed and said, "It seems a bit early to talk about marriage now. We'll naturally consider it when things are clearer and we're more mature." If Xing hadn't asked, Xian could have subconsciously avoided this question, but now that Xing had brought it up, she was forced to confront it.
She added, "Don't forget, right now you and I are both inside the wall. I'm the one who's about to come out, what about you?"
But, Xing retorted bluntly, "Don't fool yourself. You don't even know, or at least the chances are slim, right?"
Xian remained silent. She wanted to refute Xing, but didn't know what to say. She just felt the river breeze was getting a little chilly. She pulled her arms back to her chest and said, "You can live without marriage."
Actually, even if Xing hadn't said anything, Xian wanted to find a suitable time to probe his thoughts. She didn't want to talk to him about when they would get married, but hoped to get an answer from him so that her heart would be at peace. That
night, as they walked back along the river, Xian didn't tell Xing she was pregnant. After her routine sex life with her husband ceased, she stopped using contraception.
Xian was brewing her emotions, imagining in her mind that Hao would discuss that issue with her, and the little life they had created together sometime during a past encounter, its gender still unknown. She couldn't bring herself to speak, devising many preludes, many openings, imagining how Hao would answer, and what she would say. She rehearsed the entire process in her mind, trying to be calm and organized. As
she entered the house, his phone rang.
Hao opened the door and entered while making a call; she didn't know who he was calling, but from his voice and expression, he was excited—something exciting must have happened.
After he entered the room, he casually tossed his bag onto the sofa, then walked out of the living room without sitting down. Xian, lying on the bed, watched his body appear at the bedroom door after a while, then disappear, only to return a moment later. He didn't look up at Xian on the bed, nor did he say a word to her; he was completely absorbed in a passionate conversation on the phone.
From his words, Xian knew that his business plan, which he had been planning for almost a year, had finally gained hope. This was the most emotionally impactful event of the past year. For him, everything around him—all the people and events, all other feelings—suddenly ceased to exist. At that moment, he wouldn't consider the reactions or feelings of anyone around him, because to him, there was no one around, or they were all unimportant people. Now, lying on the bed, Xian was just an insignificant person.
Xian had known this for a long time, so she had remained silent. At this moment, she decided not to tell Huan that she was pregnant; she lacked confidence.
Huan took off his clothes and shoes and got into bed, pulling Xian's clean, fragrant, and petite body into his arms, pressing her tightly against his chest. He didn't say a word, and Xian simply nestled against him obediently, without moving. The man's sweat and desire enveloped her, and she closed her eyes, deeply inhaling the scent, letting it enter her body, reach her abdomen, and merge with the flesh and blood there. The call finally ended. He grinned, muttered a curse, tossed the phone onto the sofa, and strode towards the bedroom. A soft smile appeared on Xian's face as he appeared at the bedroom door. She lay motionless, used to waiting for his reaction.
His chest heaved more and more violently; Xian felt a fire burning brighter within him. She opened her eyes; a smile mingled with heightened desire on his face. His hand slipped inside Xian's blouse, kneading her soft breasts, then tracing the lines of her slender body across her smooth skin to his lower body. Xian let out a long "hmm," her eyes half-closed, her whole body enveloped in a warm, watery sensation.
He removed her remaining clothes and bra, his hands caressing her voluptuous, naked body, her full breasts, then moving to her genitals, which were already very wet. Just as he was about to enter her, Xian remembered something, one hand pressing against her abdomen, the other instinctively trying to stop him. But he mumbled something indistinct, moved her hand away, and thrust inside her. A surge of intense stimulation shot through Xian's head, followed by long, deep breaths. A dizzying, almost flying sensation swirled within her.
Now, Xian's body contained not only him, but also their child, a tiny life, whom they had created together sometime in the past. Tonight, his/her fate would be decided by Xian.
Xian knew she was beginning to experience sexual arousal; she was sexually awakened. She bid farewell to her soul, no longer hesitant to use only her body to do that simple thing. However, she did it with great restraint… When he thrust powerfully, Xian endured without moaning, passively accepting his "impact" in silence; her nails dug into his arm. Her beautiful face became excited and her muscles tensed. She concentrated all her strength between her legs, but she still couldn't finish it.
After a burst of crazy commotion, Gong moaned loudly, and his extreme sexual joy came to an abrupt end with a sudden convulsive ejaculation movement all over the body; everything became quiet, the night wind did not blow into the room, and the air slowly clung to their calmed skin.
Xian, lying beneath Gong, lifted her face and looked at Gong's refreshed and satisfied expression, asking, "Why are you so happy today?"
Gong grinned and said, "These guys, after a year of my hard work, it's finally done. I've been talking about this all day, I'm tired of it, let's talk about something else."
Xian's heart skipped a beat, and her heartbeat quickened.

After a pause, Xian said, "Today's wedding, after all that trouble, she finally got that old man to marry her. She's really something. You know what? She told him she was pregnant and wanted the child, that she would raise it herself and he wouldn't have to take any responsibility, and he married her. She was already five months pregnant when they got married; her wedding dress could barely cover it. She's always been very cunning, I never thought marriage would be like this."
This was one of the things Xian had been thinking about repeatedly before going to bed with him. She carefully steered the conversation towards Huan, waiting for his reply.
After listening to Xian's words, Guang snorted and said, "This kind of woman is actually the most detestable and frightening to men. Using a child as a hostage to detain a man, even if the man has no choice but to submit, he will definitely hate this woman in his heart. Men are the least able to be forced. Only the most foolish woman would think that is a victory. Just you wait and see, your classmate's life will definitely not be easy from now on."
Xian listened to Guang's words almost without breathing. Before her mind could fully process what he said, her hand had already involuntarily been placed on her abdomen. She quietly closed her eyes, calming her wildly beating heart, then took a deep breath to regulate her breathing. She continued, "It's understandable that she did this, because she loves that man, wants to marry him, and wants to have his children."
She said, "Is love a one-sided decision, disregarding the other person's feelings, only wanting them to fulfill your own desires? That's selfishness, that's control."
Xian murmured, "Is wanting to marry him controlling him?"
"She might not have fully thought that way," said Gong. "But the end result was controlling that man. In our society, marriage itself is a means of controlling both men and women, plunging you into complex social relationships. Because you're not marrying a person, you're marrying society—it's terrifying." Then he rolled over and said, "Ugh, I'm all sweaty, time for a shower." He stood up, strode off the bed, and whistled as he walked towards the bathroom.
Xian's heart sank to the floor, but her hands remained on her stomach as she listened blankly. Gong's words flooded her mind, and although she hadn't fully processed them, she understood the obvious meaning. This conclusion shone like a bright light in her mind.
Xian lay on the bed, her head resting on the disheveled sheets, watching his naked body walk out of her sight; her hand was still on her abdomen, staring blankly at her pelvis and lower body, aching from his violent thrusts. Then, she heard the sound of rushing water, and Xian cried.
At that moment, she felt a deep sadness; what kind of man was he? When I first met him, he was an arrogant but not unlikeable man; later, he became a domineering and powerful man; just now, he appeared cold and terrifying; occasionally, he could chat with you awkwardly like a stranger, rambling on and on, yet revealing things that were close to the truth… But in bed, he was a predatory and greedy man, often making you mistakenly believe how much he cared for you and desired you; but, after waking up, you would find that it was all just a fleeting dream. Because everything was created by his sexual magic.
Xian thought again, he craved her body, yet she could sense his aloofness and deliberate indifference during their union, leaving her feeling even more empty and tormented afterward. When would she be free from this pain?
What were his true feelings and perceptions?
Each time she thought of this, she dared not delve further, for the more she thought, the less she could face her own physical actions. Yet, whenever she thought of her body's active participation, she was filled with confusion. Otherwise, why did she feel pleasure during their lovemaking? She was truly bewildered!
It was at this moment that Xian made her decision regarding the life within her womb.
She went to the hospital for an abortion at ten o'clock that morning—a moment Xian would never forget.
Alone, Xian felt a chill run down her spine from the hospital's white walls and the people in white coats and hats. She walked alone in a deserted yet sinister space, various thoughts fluttering like wings on the white walls, like the souls of the dead walking upon them.
Xian still felt incredibly weak. Before the pale yellow door to the obstetrics and gynecology ward closed, she was only vaguely and blindly afraid. The pain of having her body and soul torn apart hadn't yet touched her, but it would all begin after that door at the end of the corridor closed.
All the procedures were done under a false name. While waiting for her number to be called, she jolted, her eyes widening. Fear flickered in her eyes, and she involuntarily walked towards the open yellow door. As the door closed, she slumped into a chair.
Emerging from the open door, she was pale and, without rest, walked towards the hallway. She finally collapsed onto a bench by the hallway, her face even paler, her eyes unfocused, and said, "My child is gone."
Chapter 4:
After her husband moved out, Xian was left alone in the house. She had bought the furniture, and the decorations were done according to her wishes. Xian owned everything, but her heart was empty. A woman's greatest tragedy is not finding a man who truly loves her.
More than ten years of married life ended just like that. The blow of a failed marriage is devastating, especially to one's self-esteem and confidence, which require a long time to repair. Thinking about it still makes Xian want to curse, fight, and cry her heart out; this deathly stillness is terrifying.
This heavy blow makes Xian even more nostalgic for her past, memories filling that long-abandoned emotional sanctuary—her curiosity and longing for the opposite sex, the budding of love and fantasies about it.
Women always have to get married; that's life. Xian, carrying her fantasies of love, married her husband, whom she later separated from, her first man; she thought he was reliable and dependable.
And so, Xian became a woman, an ordinary woman. She busied herself around her husband, supporting her family, living a simple and real life, so simple it was like a dream.
Then she had a child. When Xian first saw her baby, tears of joy streamed down her face. She kissed the baby's rosy cheeks, kissed the baby's tiny fingers, slowly and tenderly kissing each one, with such reluctance to part. The child was her, born with the same healthy pink skin as her, neither crying nor fussing, yet constantly moving, like a little eel. She unbuttoned her breast and breastfed the baby in front of everyone. She didn't have enough milk, so the baby had to receive both breast milk and formula. She filled a bottle with fresh formula and held the baby close.
From then on, the child became Xian's lifelong hope. The baby ate heartily every day, its little belly like a small watermelon. In the summer, it loved to lift its jacket, rhythmically tapping a march, patting its belly as it walked around. Upon seeing people, she would stare wide-eyed with her round, bright black eyes, pat her belly a few times, and run away, her pigtails bouncing behind her head, the ribbons fluttering in the air. Watching her child grow, all her melancholy emotions brightened like sunshine.
This became proof of Xian's existence; she knew she was still alive, but her emotional life was like a stagnant pool overgrown with moss.
She hadn't really thought about it seriously; more than ten years felt like a dream, passing by in a daze.

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