The Heart of a Young Woman

Taipei after the July rains is so refreshing, the trees on the island exuding a fragrance. But my heart pounds nervously, my cheeks flush, an unknown world is unfolding before me. During

these days each month, a strange desire arises—perhaps it's my menstrual cycle! Terrible desires constantly swirl in my mind, even the delivery boy becomes the object of my fantasies.

It started after my first period, an inescapable illusion haunting me, sigh! Until after marriage. After marriage, everything calmed down a lot. I'm timid, so I resist it all with my mind; my husband is my only man.

But in recent months, the problem has returned, the thirty-year-old torment following me like a demon, refusing to let go.

We've been married for over three years, and my husband has maintained his consistent passion. From what my friends say, it seems impossible, but it's true! We have sex at least twice a week. Is it habit or boredom?

The problem is, I still love his body, I love every time we make love, I really don't understand.

There are no secrets between my husband and me, ha! Perhaps it's because I'm inherently simple and empty! Having no secrets might be more difficult for my husband. I always laugh at him because he's always embarrassed when he recounts his past affairs or embarrassing moments; this time, it was me who was embarrassed.

About two months ago, I really couldn't bear the torment of desire, and I forced myself to tell my husband how I felt.

He looked startled, with a hint of humiliation or frustration. I tried to explain that this feeling had nothing to do with him, that it wasn't that he couldn't satisfy me, and that I didn't even know the root of the problem. I told him I loved him more than anything, and then we made love passionately, and I reached orgasm multiple times.

Afterwards, I leaned on my husband's shoulder, and the desire in my mind started again. Looking at my husband's handsome face as he slept, I was sure I loved him, but that desire… Chapter Two: Thoughts. We've

been married for three years, and thinking of my wife, Xiaowen, still makes my blood boil. My colleagues sometimes laugh at me, asking where my former heroic spirit has gone. I guess that's love!

Before marriage, I did quite a few silly things, and I've done them twice more after marriage, but both times it happened while I was drunk at social events. Of course, Xiaowen didn't know any of this. I would only choose lies that were close to the truth to deceive her, such as how my reason prevailed at the last moment.

I don't like socializing, but there are always one or two times a month that I can't refuse. I'd rather stay home with Xiaowen and watch the sunflowers together, watching her cry and laugh at the absurd and ridiculous plot. Holding Xiaowen makes me feel incredibly happy. She is so innocent, simple, and easily satisfied. I really love her.

Last month, Xiaowen told me that she had a thought, and she assured me that it was just a thought. She imagined having sex with other men, even in real life during the day. I've heard that sexual fantasies can help couples' sex life, but this is so different from what I understand sexual fantasies. I feel defeated.

Xiaowen is passionate in bed, and our sex life is always fiery. I believe that every time we make love, it's wonderful, so how could this be?

There's no one to tell me about this. Who should I ask? This is already an unbearable blow to my self-esteem. Am I supposed to suffer a second blow?

After this conversation, life returned to normal. I started observing, and yes, Xiaowen always had incredibly high libido for about ten days before her period. But we never brought it up again.

The lounge was a bit deserted tonight; Wu and I were waiting for our client, which was quite boring.

Suddenly, a man walked in and stood by the counter as if asking something. He looked about twenty-seven or twenty-eight. Tall, with slightly feminine attire, yet possessing a certain air of heroism.

Xiaoyun, the lounge hostess, hurried over as if to explain something to him.

Xiao Wu nudged my hand and said, "See that man?"

"Yeah, I saw him! So? Do you know him?"

"Oh! He was my junior in college. He dropped out in his second year, but he was quite the big shot back then!" Xiao Wu said with a hint of disdain, "He's a womanizer, huh! I didn't know men could make money like that. How many times a day can he do it?" "Ha!" I said, "Men get harder to make money as they get older." I continued, "Do women really go after him?" "Of course! Do you think women are made of wood? Men like that are in high demand! It's safe with them, no emotional entanglements!" Xiao Wu continued, "Women! They think about it but dare not act, afraid of being safe. Women treat their families as their world; they will never let any external force shake their fortress. Men are different; they do it first and then deal with the problem." Xiao Wu added, "What about you? Have you ever had an affair after marriage? I bet it's all extramarital affairs!

" "Oh? Is that so?" I started to get a little distracted.

Chapter Three: Tearing Through

the Office Ladder I lightly tapped on the keyboard, my mind drifting back to my conversation with Xiaowen last month. This wasn't the first time; in fact, for almost a month, I'd been trying to figure everything out.

I typed in Notepad, "I love her," then "She loves me." Yes!

This was the highest level of our relationship, undeniable.

Next, I typed, "She loves my body," "I love her body." Like the previous paragraph, this was the second level of our relationship.

Then I started trying to avoid certain things, typing "financial relationship," "mutual friends," and so on.

But I realized these weren't the most important spiritual aspects, so I deleted them one by one, staring at those two lines on the screen.

With a determined look, I typed, "She wants to have sex with someone else." This sentence startled me. Although I already knew, putting it so explicitly in words brought it to life, making it incredibly real.

Okay, with a beginning, the rest wasn't difficult. "She wants to have sex with someone else," but "has no one."

Hmm! Then it became very difficult to judge. Theoretically, she should have a sexual fantasy object, or a virtual one, but she didn't. Her problem seemed simple: she was attracted to men, without a specific object, just a simple desire or thought. This tongue-twisting approach got me lost.

Okay, let's look at me from a different angle! Hey! The problem is getting a bit difficult. First of all, I have these kinds of sexual thoughts about every beautiful woman around me, of course, I won't act rashly, it's just a thought. This impulse is something I experience 365 days a year, and it doesn't seem to bother me much, because it seems like all men are like this.

The boss's secretary walked past me at this moment, a fragrant breeze, and my thoughts drifted back to the problem. I typed "men," then "=", then "women," and the answer came out.

Next, how do men solve this problem? I didn't want to type that out, I was afraid my notepad wouldn't have enough memory, and opening Word was too much trouble. Women? I remembered Bruce Willis in the movie "The Ultimate Soldier" asking his wife why she didn't get a dog? Ha! That's a good idea.

Chapter Four: Heart-to-Heart Talk

My husband came home early today, he was there before I even got home. He'd already bought dinner and put it on the table, hehe!

This man is so considerate. He circled around me while I was setting the table; I knew what he wanted to do tonight, making me feel all hot and bothered.

My period is due in about three days! He must know he can ejaculate inside. He likes to ejaculate inside; I've heard men don't like using condoms, that's what Xiaoli at work said.

Actually, hehe! I don't like him using condoms either; I like him ejaculating inside me. Especially the feeling of not having to rush to clean up afterward, being able to hold him, and continuously feeling his penis inside me. Oh my god, what kind of thoughts and descriptions are these? How could I be like this? Sigh! My husband can arouse me at any time.

After dinner, he reclined on the sofa, looking like a devilish devil, so annoying, but I like it. As I turned around, he secretly hugged my waist, and I leaned against him.

My husband suddenly fell silent and motionless, which was strange. He likes to fix my hair, which always makes me so itchy. He cleared his throat and said, "Wen, are you still feeling that way these past few days?"

Damn it, I knew what he was talking about, but I really didn't want to talk about it. I didn't answer him.

"It's like this, um! I think we should face this issue squarely, so I hope we can have a good talk." "Face it squarely? What's there to face? I haven't done anything to betray you," I thought to myself. But then I remembered yesterday at noon, and I started to get scared.

Yesterday at noon, no one was at the company; everyone had gone to lunch, and I was the only one left. For some reason, Xiao Li, the salesperson, hadn't gone to lunch and bumped into me in the photocopying room. We weren't actually in a rush to make copies, so we politely declined. Xiao Li wasn't a particularly desirable man; he was married, slick-haired, and had a sweet tongue. While waiting for me to make copies, he leaned over to see what I was copying. I felt a man's scent near my ear. I turned around and our eyes met. In that instant, I realized my entire lower body was wet, and I suddenly felt dizzy. I calmly packed my things and left the photocopying room immediately, but my heart felt empty. I hoped Xiao Li hadn't noticed anything amiss. Now, thinking back, if Xiao Li had forced me, I... Suddenly, my husband interrupted my thoughts, saying, "I didn't mean anything by it, I'm not jealous, and I'm not blaming you. Don't overthink it." He continued, "I've been thinking about this all day. I don't know if I'm right or wrong, I just wanted to share my thoughts." He seemed afraid I would stop him, or perhaps he was afraid he wouldn't be able to continue if he stopped, so he blurted out, "I think men and women are the same. I must admit my desires are deeper than yours." "Hey!" I thought, "You still won't admit it! You always say you only see me." "But men always find a way to solve it, because society..." Men are allowed to do this. Women, on the other hand, must suppress their feelings until one day they can't suppress them anymore. Relatively speaking, the consequences of not being able to suppress them are always very serious. Many women, once something happens, either wallow in self-pity or file for divorce. Later, they realize that what they were after was nothing more than sexual desire, and that the people around them are worthless except for sex, but it's too late to turn back. "Are you crazy?! Saying all this nonsense," I said.

He continued, "Don't interrupt me, I just want to express my thoughts, can you be patient?" "I think... rather than 'maybe something happens,' I'm just saying 'maybe'!" My husband looked like he was afraid I'd get angry.

Thinking of what happened to Xiao Li, I didn't dare to argue.

"Suppressing things isn't the solution; resolving the suppression is the normal way. What if, what if, because I know you love me, and I love you just the same. But what if something happens to you, and you leave? What should I do?

That's not fair to either of us." "

What nonsense are you talking about!" I was genuinely angry.

My husband gently pressed his index finger to my lips: "I said it was just a thought, you don't have to take it seriously, let me finish, okay?" "You don't have to suppress it, I promise you."

"Oh my god! What kind of theory is this? Are you crazy?" My husband ignored my protests and continued: "The other day I went to a business dinner with Xiao Wu, and I learned that there are men who specialize in this industry, you know, male prostitutes! I think... maybe you could consider starting with that." "Please, what you're saying..." He completely ignored me and continued: "It's just a suggestion, but I want to be honest, and I want everything to be under control." I started to cry.

We didn't make love that night. I had a strange dream, in which Xiao Li was on top of me, and I didn't resist. I passionately threw myself at him, but Xiao Li's face kept changing.

They were the faces of men I didn't recognize, but my orgasms came like waves, unstoppable.

[The End]

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