【A Broken Heart and Lingering Regret: Perhaps Tomorrow】(Part 1)

【The Broken Heart and Lingering Regret: Perhaps Tomorrow】(Part 1) 　　Author 　　:

Xuan Su 　　2015/06/12
First published on: Yi Ren Tang
Yi Ren Tang ID: Xuan Su
2015/06/17 Republished on: Chun Man Si He Yuan, Forum , 18p2p

**************** ... 　　The scattered snack bags and instant noodle containers were already a bit moldy. Come to think of it, how long has it been since I found out my girlfriend cheated on me? 　　I always felt inferior, like everyone was mocking . Now, with this happening, my world feels like it's crumbling. 　　For four years after leaving the orphanage, I worked tirelessly, struggling to survive. When I encountered wanted to give up, I met her. She rekindled my hope, like a guiding light, giving me a goal to keep striving. 　　So, in the days that followed, she became my purpose in life, the center of my world. This continued for three years, until I caught her downstairs, naked with another man in a BMW … 　　“Break up, okay? Don’t act like a victim. You’re just a loser, you should be aware of that, right? Besides, three years ago, it was because of me that you had the motivation to keep living, right? So, you should thank me for being with you for three years, shouldn’t you? After all, I’m not an actor, there’s no point in continuing this act.” 　　I still clearly remember that merciless mockery and cold gaze, as if those three years between us never existed. 　　Ha, how ridiculous. For a woman like that, I actually managed to live for three years. Does fate just like to play tricks on me like this? 　　I searched the entire house and found not even a suitable suicide weapon. I guess I’m a complete failure in life ; even suicide is difficult. 　　A kitchen knife? If I cut the artery directly, I'd probably bleed to death, that's true, but... wouldn't that hurt a lot? And feeling my blood slowly drain away, that feeling would be excruciating, wouldn't it ? 　　Finally, in the dimly lit room, I slumped to the floor, a hammer in my hand. 　　If it were a hammer, wouldn't one blow be enough to crack open my skull? But would it be difficult for me to do it myself? What a dilemma! 　　My right hand trembled as I slowly raised it, shaking uncontrollably. If I just struck hard, would I finally be free? 　　Sweat streamed down my forehead, getting into my eyes and mixing with tears, causing a slight sting, but it couldn't lessen the grief in my heart. 　　"Damn it, this method won't kill me!" 　　I knew that, but I didn't even have the courage to commit suicide; it was just self-deception ! 　　"Bang! Clang!" 　　To vent my anger, I threw the hammer forward with all my might. It smashed against the wall in front of me, then fell to the floor with a heavy thud. 　　I lowered my head helplessly. Did I really not even have the courage to commit suicide? I clearly didn't want to live , yet I was so cowardly that I couldn't even bring myself to do it. Why was that? Why did I have such a cowardly personality? Since I had no hope of living, couldn't I at least have the courage to face death ? 　　Sobbing softly, I felt so ridiculous. I didn't want to live, yet I didn't have the courage to commit suicide. What was the point of my life? Even if I had never existed in this world, no one would be sad about it, right? Just like my parents abandoned me at the gate of the orphanage, they saw me as a burden, didn't they? Who would care about the life or death of someone whose own parents wanted to abandon them? 　　I reached out to wipe the tears from my face. This cowardly, tear-filled creature slowly opened my eyes. In my tear- soaked eyes, I seemed to see a glimmer of light. 　　"Huh? What's with the light?" 　　In the dimly lit room, a thin beam of light shone on the floor in front of me. Looking up, I saw that the hammer I had just thrown had smashed through the wall opposite. 　　Was the light coming from the next room? 　　The next room? I clearly remember that no one lived there, right? When did a tenant move in ? 　　But why am I even thinking about this now? It's pointless. 　　I shakily stood up and turned to go to the kitchen to find a cleaver. A cleaver would definitely be more direct , but would I have the courage to do it? 　　I sat back down. It's ridiculous, really. I was planning to commit suicide, yet I was still thinking about finding a comfortable place to sit before deciding how to do it. Was I even seriously committing suicide?! 　　Ah!!! Wait a minute, what's going on? What's this talk about being serious about suicide? Why does suicide seem so absurd to me? 　　Frustrated and on the verge of madness, I grabbed the kitchen knife beside me, almost throwing it at the other side again… 　　What's wrong ? Did my girlfriend's actions cause something to go wrong with my brain? 　　I stood up to go to the bathroom to wash my face and calm down, when I suddenly caught a glimpse of the light shining through the hole in the wall across the street. It seemed to attract me, and a sudden sense of curiosity arose within me. Before I could even step inside…

As I took a step, the curiosity in my heart grew stronger.

"Heh, what am I doing? I'm a guy who wants to commit suicide, yet I'm suddenly
interested in something so trivial. How ridiculous."

I muttered to myself, but my body moved involuntarily towards the source of the light. What kind of person
lived ?

"What kind of quality is this wall panel? It's obviously a scam. It looks like it was
added later, to divide the large room into smaller rooms for easier renting."

There was a hole about the size of a thumb in the wall panel, and light was shining in from the other side.

Looking like this, would it be considered peeping? It shouldn't be illegal, right? After all, I didn't
intentionally break the wall panel, right?

With these silly thoughts, I put my right eye into the hole.

The blinding light made me, who had been in darkness for so long, very uncomfortable. I closed my eyes slightly, and after my eyes gradually adjusted to
the light, I slowly opened them and saw the situation on the other side.

This is… a girl's room!?

Directly opposite was a bed covered with cute pink sheets, several colorful plush toys neatly
arranged at the head of the bed. To the left was a computer desk, and besides the computer, the bookshelves on the wall were neatly
arranged with what appeared to be medical books. To the right was a table, probably for eating.

The furnishings were similar to those in my own room; after all, our rented apartment only
had one large room, a kitchen, and a bathroom, so these items were only found in the bedroom.

Listening closely, I could hear the sound of running water from a shower; the room's occupant must be taking a bath.

At that moment, I was actually kneeling on the floor, shamelessly peeping into my neighbor's room through this small opening
. My earlier suicidal thoughts were temporarily forgotten. Is this the power of curiosity and desire
? It even made me temporarily not want to die.

"Click!"

The door opened. The girl across the hall must have finished showering, right? It must be… a girl, right?

Just as I was thinking this, an alluring body came into view.

Oh my god! This look, this figure, this skin... it's unbelievable!

Unbelievable! Those legs are so long, they look like they're even taller than me! Is it just
my angle?

And that firm, shapely buttocks, that slender waist, and those magnificent breasts... surely that
's also just the angle?!

What on earth is going on? At the very moment I wanted to end my life, after my girlfriend cheated on me
, at such an important time in my life, this kind of beauty appeared! What does this really mean?

God, you're still looking out for me, aren't you?

I slowly walked to the bedside and sat down. Her naked body was exposed before my eyes, the bulging
vulva , the erect pink nipples on her breasts...

Hmm? Right, why are her nipples erect? Is it because she was a little cold after taking a shower?
Then she could have worn a towel before coming out, right?

"Mmm...oh...mmm..."

The sudden movement, the sudden moan, caught me completely off guard...

In a room less than three meters away from me, separated only by a wall, a beautiful young girl was actually
facing me, sitting on the edge of the bed masturbating. This shock seemed a little too
intense for a loser like me.

The pleasurable sensation from the masturbation made the girl involuntarily close her eyes. Her flushed face and the way
she bit her lower lip made my mouth dry and my heart race.

She might still be a virgin...

This strange thought suddenly appeared in my mind, even surprising myself. Why did I
suddenly think of this?

However, the closed petals and the deliberate restraint from inserting my fingers
further confirmed my suspicions.

"Mmm...mmm...ah...I can't take it anymore...it feels so good..."

The heaving breasts with her soft moans, the pink and alluring vulva, and the seductive moans
intertwined to create the most beautiful scene I had ever seen in my life, a scene I had never even seen with my previous girlfriends
.

The visual impact, the auditory stimulation, even the pervasive erotic scent testing
my sense of smell—in short, the person who had just contemplated suicide was now kneeling on the floor, masturbating.

With each moan from the girl, her body trembling with excitement, my inner urge
amplified .

"Ah…I can't take it…ah…um…"

With a soft cry, the girl lay back on the bed, only faint breaths escaping.

And I, too, was left only with the panting of post-excitement…

Was this, a way of stopping me? Stopping me from committing suicide, stopping me from taking that darkest step.

Although I didn't know, perhaps I had found a reason to live again, hadn't I?

Of course, not by masturbating while spying on the girl across from me, but by finding pleasure in her life, observing
her life, and living on—it seemed quite interesting, didn't it?

Was this some kind of irrational reason for someone who had lost the will to live, finding solace in not having the courage to commit suicide
?

In any case, I would continue to live, regardless of the reason. Even without that kind of thing,
I wouldn't dare to do it to myself, would I?

That night, I slept soundly. Strangely, I didn't think about suicide anymore, nor did I think about her
cheating on . It was really strange, considering I'd been having nightmares for so many days.

The next day, above the hole in the wall panel, I pasted a hook and
hung to cover it up. That should be safer… right? Who knows? Maybe it's just
self-hypnosis.

After tidying up the room a bit, I finally stepped out of my room, which I hadn't left for two months.

The sunlight was so blinding…

I threw two large bags of trash into the garbage truck and then headed to the nearby convenience store to buy some food
.

Going back to work is going to be difficult. Although I don't want to commit suicide,
I still don't want to meet too many people.

Inside the convenience store, I was selecting food when a beautiful figure flashed past, making my body
tremble with nervousness.

Across the shelf, she was also shopping, but
unlike , she seemed to be selecting various ingredients and seasoning packets.

Was she going home to cook for herself?

This thought popped into my head as if I could foresee it, and I could almost picture the girl
cooking, wearing a cute cartoon apron, her face completely focused.

What a good girl! She looked about my age. A girl like her,
living alone in a rented apartment, cooking for herself, and most importantly, possibly still a virgin… she
's a rare find!

I didn't notice my lewd behavior; I was practically drooling. It wasn't until the girl across from me
noticed and looked over that I quickly lowered my head, frantically wiping the drool from my mouth.

"Hehe~ What a strange guy~"

Strange guy? Although she was called strange, that voice and that sweet laughter were truly
captivating.

When I heard that comment and looked up again, the girl had already turned and left.

After paying at the checkout, for some reason, my steps quickened as I walked back.

Was I trying to see her again through that hole? Why was this feeling so strong? Could
this be the feeling of "love"? It was a completely different feeling from the only relationship I'd ever had.

Longing, curiosity, happiness, excitement, impulsiveness…

Finally home, finally back at the hole, and finally, seeing her again. She

'd already prepared the ingredients and was about to go to the kitchen to cook. Well then, I'd better hurry up and cook my instant noodles.

Half an hour later, I finished my instant noodles, while the girl across from me was enjoying
a delicious meal.

It looked so appetizing. What should I do? At this rate, even instant noodles would tempt me
to eat more, and my expenses would increase even faster.

Although I complained inwardly, looking at the girl filled me with an immense sense of fulfillment.
Why did I feel this way?

This continued, and continued, for almost a month.

I had basically established a routine for the girl: she left home at eight in the morning and
returned between six and seven in the evening, then cooked for herself.

Also, perhaps because she had only recently moved in, the girl frequently bought household items
. However, some of the things she bought seemed excessive, didn't they? And some of them seemed inappropriate, didn't they?

For example, raincoats, various switchblades, medical disinfectant, and black plastic bags?

A girl buying these things, and in such large quantities—it's really strange, is
n't it?

Although I learned from the landlord a few days ago that the girl was a medical student, even
if she needed to conduct medical research and practice anatomical surgeries, shouldn't she be using scalpels instead of
switchblades?

The more curious I became, the stronger my fervent thirst for knowledge about the girl grew. At the same time, I
really wondered if I had actually fallen in love with this girl?

But can this act of voyeurism, this "stolen" "love," truly be enough to motivate me
to continue living? Besides, this so-called love is merely my own perception; the other person is
completely unaware.

And what if she finds out? What will happen?

I'll be labeled a voyeur, she'll call the police, and I'll be arrested. Then I'll be even more
ashamed and humiliated.

All these thoughts are causing me immense distress once again. Once again, should I commit suicide
? What's wrong with me? These agonizing questions are popping into my head again…

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【A Broken Heart and Lingering Regret: Perhaps Tomorrow】(Part 1)

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