Memories of a Married Woman

Su Qing turned around, a pack of cigarettes in her hand. She tossed one to me, then lit one for herself, took a deep drag, leaned against the table, and said, "It's not for excitement, it's just boredom."

I put the cigarette back on the bed. I hadn't wanted to discuss this topic with her, but her answer suddenly made me inexplicably angry. I said, "What do you mean by that? Boredom? Just because you're bored, you'd betray your marriage? What will your husband think? What will your child think?"

"My husband?" Su Qing's face showed surprise, then she relaxed. "Oh, I forgot to tell you, I'm single now. My husband! I haven't heard anyone mention the word 'husband' in front of me in a long time. I've been divorced for over seven years now! Child? If I had, maybe things wouldn't have come to this."

If I hadn't overheard everything, seeing her calm and composed demeanor, it would be hard to imagine any man would give up such an elegant and refined woman. I remained silent. She was single, so I had no right to criticize her life, however she lived it. Yet, I felt a tightness in my chest, like watching a piece of jade being kicked into a cockroach-infested ditch.

"But you didn't wrong me," Su Qing flicked her cigarette ash, pressing her thumb against her temple with her other hand, slowly massaging it. Her milky-white fingers peeked through her hair, making me stare, mesmerized. Her fingers were beautiful, like cleanly peeled scallions, long, delicate, smooth, and rounded.

"I did divorce because of an affair. Otherwise, I would definitely be a woman living a very happy life in other people's eyes! Back then, I was like a princess—proud, willful, and arrogant. At home, my husband doted on me; at work, my superiors valued me, and all the male doctors fawned over me."

"Happiness is actually a drug; you need to constantly increase the dosage to maintain that feeling. Sometimes, you already have so much, but you're still not satisfied, you want more. It was around that time that I met a man, an ordinary-looking man with coarse manners and a perpetually smiling face."

"I love dancing because I have a good figure, so I look especially good when I dance. But I never dance at home. I like to sway my body in the crowd at the dance hall and attract everyone's attention. It's an indescribable feeling, a sense of accomplishment, a kind of showing off and display. My ex-husband didn't like going to dance halls, and he didn't like me going either. He was the perfect type of man. He didn't smoke, drink, or gamble. He was considerate and family-oriented. He took over the family factory at a young age, and although it wasn't large-scale, it was quite successful. We lacked nothing. We had a car, a house, and money. We lived a life of pride and high spirits."

"I met him at a dance hall. It's ridiculous, but I only noticed him because he ignored me. When I danced, all the men would look at me, sometimes even stopping to watch, but he never looked at me. It was as if I was invisible, completely out of his sight. Until one day, he asked me to dance, and I danced with him without hesitation. And for three days straight, I only accepted his invitations, refusing everyone else." "

I slept with him on the fourth day after we met. I never thought I would cheat on my family, but people are strange sometimes. Even though you know what you shouldn't do, you just can't control your body. That day, he took me home, and on the stairs downstairs from my apartment, he grabbed me and grabbed me without any regard for my protests or resistance, acting like a thug. I can't explain why, but when his hand went under my skirt, I felt both scared and strangely excited, like I was bewitched, clinging to the stair railing like a slut and letting him do it."

"I never even considered that he wasn't wearing a condom. My husband was waiting for me upstairs, and there were people walking around on the street downstairs. He seemed to care nothing, making a lot of noise, grabbing my breasts with both hands and pulling them, tearing off my bra clasp. This man was neither strong nor could he last long. He had seemed gentle to me before, but at that moment he was like a wild beast, as if he wanted to tear me apart. He ejaculated in about a few minutes. After he finished, he used his fingers to lick my genitals, smearing the semen on my mouth. The smell of the semen made me nauseous, but I didn't even try to dodge, and he smeared the semen all over my face."

"I was still trembling when he fastened his pants, not knowing if it was from fear or anger. My genitals felt cold, as if the wind was blowing into my body from there. He pulled down my underwear, which had fallen to my legs, and used it to wipe my genitals. Then he folded it and put it in his pocket, hugged my head, kissed my forehead, and said: 'You're so wet! Your pussy is so tight! After I'm done with you, you can take my head away.'"

“I went back and cried secretly that day, but I didn’t know why I cried. Maybe it was regret, or maybe I just thought I should have reacted that way.” Su Qing stubbed out her cigarette, then took out another, but didn’t light it, toying with it between her fingers. Her head was bowed low, her hair falling down, obscuring her eyes. Her clean, white face was expressionless, as if she were telling someone else’s story.

Hearing this, I realized that my body was already reacting. I hadn’t realized it while she was telling the story, perhaps because this woman was standing right in front of me. I could easily imagine what had happened on the stairs. I took a deep breath and shifted my body uneasily, trying to shake off the stimulation from her words.

“Do you want some water?” Su Qing asked me casually, reaching for the water bottle. She asked so naturally, as if I, a man she had only known for a day, was already a member of this room, or even her husband.

“No.”

She poured herself a glass, then sat on the edge of the bed, holding the glass. The room was warm, but she held the glass with both hands, her body hunched over, like a little girl trying to keep warm. It was quiet outside, not even the wind could be heard, as if we were the only two people in the entire building.

"I could have easily refused him. In that stairwell, I could have even accused him of rape, but I did nothing. Before even entering the house, I carefully tidied my disheveled clothes so my husband wouldn't notice anything amiss. I was so stupid. Looking back now, what I was afraid of wasn't hurting my husband's feelings, nor was I worried he wouldn't forgive me. It was just my pride. Back then, I thought I could control everything around me. When this happened, the only thing I didn't want to face was the one thing my husband might say to me. Maybe he wouldn't even say it, but in my mind, I kept imagining him saying: 'I told you not to go out, but you didn't listen. See, now this has finally happened.'"

"Ridiculous, isn't it? You probably don't believe it. But that's exactly what I thought! I didn't find that man particularly hateful, or even a threat to me. On the contrary, recalling his crazy behavior at the time gave me the illusion of being loved. All the men I know, including my husband, have treated me like a goddess; no one has ever dared to be so rude and vulgar in molesting my body. He violated me like a thug, but I was very wet down there. When he rubbed and even pulled at my breasts, I almost moaned, and I even wanted him to use even worse methods to ravage me. I'm surprised and even a little scared of having such thoughts myself. I don't know why I was so crazy."

“For several days, I didn’t go to that dance hall. I thought this matter could end there. As long as I adjusted my behavior, my life would return to normal. I would still be a good wife, still an enviable princess. All I had lost was a hobby. I never thought he would come looking for me, and I never expected him to dare to come looking for me! But he came anyway, without any scruples or restraint, waiting for me right downstairs at my house.”

“I didn’t want him to appear in my life again, and I didn’t want others to see any connection between us. I didn’t realize that since that night, a strange bond had formed between this man and me. No matter how much I struggled, I couldn’t shake him off my life. I went with him to a theater, intending to resolve his harassment there. The people on stage were performing, and I felt like I was performing too. I tried to maintain an air of superiority, using a calm expression to hide my nervousness. I tried to persuade him to give up harassing me, while implying that his situation was actually very bad.”

"As a result, he pulled me behind the curtain, which was a huge black curtain hanging in the theater to block out the sunlight. It was an outside door, temporarily sealed off, with a piece of decorative glass on it, the kind that lets in light but doesn't let you see very clearly. He pressed my face against it and stroked me. I could see the shadows moving outside. The afternoon sun shone through the glass onto my face, feeling like I was being scorched. I was pressed against the glass, and he entered me from behind. He didn't take off his pants; I could even feel the zipper on his pants rubbing against my skin. From the other side of the curtain, there was constant applause, laughter, and noisy conversation. I was so nervous that I could hardly breathe. My mind went blank, as if I were standing on the edge of a cliff, about to fall at any moment. But he didn't seem worried at all, thrusting behind me like a dog, making a loud noise as he slammed against the glass door."

"He's a madman. I never knew there could be such a madman in this world! My hands gripped the chain lock wrapped around the doorknob, trying to keep it from making too much noise, but I had an urge to scream, an urge that raged in my chest. Someone came in from outside, standing very close; his shadow fell on the glass, and I could even make out the outline of his glasses. That heart-pounding fear completely enveloped me, making me feel like I was being stared at naked. I'd never had that experience before. I didn't even feel him ejaculate; I only knew that my crotch was completely wet."

"His final thrust was incredibly powerful; the door and lock shook simultaneously, making a loud noise. The person outside was startled and jerked back. I screamed too, a shrill scream that terrified me. Then, a sudden wave of pleasure washed over me, like a tidal wave, my whole body trembling, and I went limp." "

He was still using his fingers to probe my genitals, writing 'love' on the glass door with his semen, and then telling me 'I love you.' When he said 'I love you,' he didn't even exist; only his penis remained."

"You must think I'm very lewd, right? You only met me today, and yet I'm saying these things to you!" Su Qing shifted back slightly, pulling her legs together, bending her knees, and wrapping them around her arms. She stared blankly at the water glass in her hand, a hint of weariness flashing in her eyes. She pursed her lips, seemingly thinking about something, or perhaps something she could

n't remember. I was stunned, unsure what to say. This woman in front of me surprised me. I didn't know how she had the courage to confide these unspeakable secrets to me. I had never imagined that someone could be so open with themselves! Even though she was talking about such lewd and absurd things, she still seemed completely clean and pure.

"Our problems remained unresolved. Every meeting after that was a negotiation, a process of persuading him to give me up, but the result was always more insane and chaotic sex. Every time I left, I would tell him: 'This is the last time, don't come to see me again.' But before long, the same cycle would begin again, just as unstoppable. Coffee shops, movie theaters, libraries, parks, even my own bed and hospital bathrooms! As long as he was there, it was endless sex. He would demand that I wear my prettiest clothes, and then find ways to have sex with me in public, pulling my underwear out of my clothes and making me go back with my semen still flowing out. I felt like I was addicted. Although I felt guilty towards my husband, I couldn't help but go near that man." "

I was caught by my husband at home. He was wearing my husband's clothes, sitting in the spot where my husband usually sat while watching TV, and then he made me put on my prettiest makeup, sit naked on his lap, and seduce him. Next to him was our wedding photo."

"I was the one who asked for a divorce. After a huge fight, although I didn't want to leave my husband, I knew how deeply he had been hurt. He's a normal person, but I was beyond redemption, completely lost in the world of lust. Dragging him along would only destroy both of us in the end. I had no intention of marrying this man who had led me astray. I knew he was a devil, and I would become a devil if I followed him, but I just couldn't leave him; I couldn't resist him."

"My ex-husband remarried quickly, and I was completely free. I no longer worried about being discovered, no longer needed to sneak around, but suddenly I couldn't find pleasure! Strangely, at this point, I had no desire for him at all. No matter the occasion, no matter what method of stimulation I used, I couldn't feel the fatal temptation that once made my soul tremble. Soon, that man also left. He said he loved me, that he left because he loved me, because he could no longer give me happiness. He said, 'Why don't you get married? We can have an affair after you get married.'"

“I started constantly changing men—doctors, policemen, students, even beggars. I developed a morbid greed for men. Day after day, I repeated the cycle of changing men, burying myself under them, sucking their semen like a leech. I became more noble, more beautiful, and more radiant than before, attracting and tempting more men like a magnet. I felt like I had become a demon, just like the man who turned me into one.”

"One day, I was walking alone on the street when I saw my ex-husband and his wife, holding their child, walking across the street. I suddenly remembered my love for him, and my heart ached unbearably. I stood in the crowd and cried loudly. That day, I drank a lot of alcohol until very late. When I woke up the next day, I found myself lying in the holly bushes by the roadside, surrounded by several dogs. I suddenly felt like I was just like those stray dogs, homeless and empty like a wandering soul in the wilderness. I talked to the dogs for a long time, and then decided to give up my desires and rebuild my world. As I left, I said to them: 'Be my witness. If one day you see me lying here again, please carry me away like a corpse!'"

“I’m already infamous. Everyone around me knows I’m a slut, knows I’m promiscuous. Every woman sees me as an enemy, afraid that her man will get close to me. Over the years, I’ve tried to change people’s impression of me, but it’s all in vain. Slowly, I’ve gotten used to it. Although I still envy women who have good men, and although I still long to embrace a man without any desire, it’s probably just wishful thinking! If it weren’t for my current appearance, I probably wouldn’t even have had a man like that.”

I was shocked and chilled to the bone. All my previous lust vanished, leaving only pity. If she hadn’t told me herself, I would never have imagined that such a bizarre entanglement of lust could happen to such a beautiful and dignified woman who was about my age!

Su Qing held out her water glass to me, saying, "I've been telling you stories for ages, can you pour me a glass of water as payment for listening to the story?"

I got up to get the water bottle, and she held the glass in both hands, waiting like a child asking for candy, even a little shy. After pouring the water, I put the bottle down and came back, still holding the glass, gently blowing on the steam rising from it. A hair clip that held her bangs was crooked, hanging from the end of her hair like a sloth. Without thinking, I naturally reached out and straightened it, then re-pinned it. She seemed surprised, looked up at me, and suddenly became unusually quiet, whispering, "Thank you."

That gesture, in the eyes of a man and woman, seemed more like that of a couple, instantly creating an ambiguous atmosphere. I sensed something was amiss and felt awkward, saying, "I...I have to go. Thank you for telling me all this. Even if others have prejudices against you, I will still consider you a friend..."

"No," she smiled, saying, "In exchange, you should at least tell me why you fought today, right?"

My heart suddenly sank, and I fell silent. I stood before her, looking down at her long, glossy hair, and suddenly thought of Yan—they bore a resemblance! A chill ran down my spine, and I told myself: Yan would never do that, Yan wouldn't be like her.

A vague fear, a sense of loss as if I had lost something, my mind a jumble, unable to make sense of anything, I just stood there, stunned.

Suddenly, Su Qing reached between my legs and touched my penis. I jumped back, startled, staring at her. This action was unexpected and completely unacceptable to me.

Su Qing looked me straight in the eye and said, "I just wanted to know if you have any desire for me! If you do, and if you don't mind, I... I can consider helping you... cool down..." She smiled and continued, "But I prefer you listening to my stories without any desire. Now you know, that's good... not hard at all!"

"Then... just like this, like friends, hug me..." she said, opening her arms to me.

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