A Lost Marriage

"Can we stop arguing like this?" Hearing her soft sobs, I felt a surge of disgust.

"Why are we like this? Why—?" Hearing her sudden, desperate shouts, I truly

didn't want to live like this anymore. Home was a nightmare for me now—a recurring

nightmare.

We saw each other less and less, just to avoid those disgusting arguments, but her suspicious and

violent accusations only intensified.

"Today, I don't want to argue with you anymore. I just came back to get some things. I don't want to fight with you." I tried to

suppress my emotions, my voice sounding cold.

"Are you just going to leave like this? Never come back to this house again?" A sob broke out, and she

cried again .

"Do you really think this is a home? Does this still feel like a home?" My sharp question

echoed in the dim room.

"You weren't like this back then… You said you would love me forever, do you remember?" Her sobbing vulnerability

had once left me helpless, but… that was all in the past.

I lit a cigarette and slowly sat down on the unfamiliar sofa. "Love? Do we still have love now?

These past few years, our love has vanished. Don't you feel anything?"

She just stared at me silently, her face streaked with tears, her shoulders trembling slightly. Her gaze was fixed on me,

and I dared not read the depths of her eyes…

When I stubbed out my cigarette in the spotless ashtray, she still stared at me. I

couldn't tell if it was disgust or fear. I didn't meet her eyes; I just stared at the wall behind her. "We

have nothing to say to each other, so I'll leave."

She followed me silently to the door, her lower lip slightly pale from being bitten, her misty

eyes complex expression. "You really don't want me anymore?" Her voice was unusually low, making her

question, tinged with resentment and pleading, sound particularly tragic.

I hated my own indecisiveness. I had decided to end things today, but then she…

I doubted my judgment, but just to avoid any unforeseen circumstances…

I didn't open the door to leave. Instead, I turned and walked towards the bathroom, perhaps out of pride, or perhaps because I didn't want her to know I still

cared…

Watching her lean against the doorframe, I abandoned my habit of closing the door behind me.

The piercing sound of rushing water filled the air, and I heard a soft click of a switch turning off the light.

Besides the dripping water beneath me, there was the soft rubbing sound of her approaching from behind. She snatched

my still . Even though her hand was as soft as ever, I was already exhausted by her.

“Some things, once they happen, are gone. You can't shake them off, you can't forget them. Why bother trying to get them back?” I

said in a low, calm voice, my head bowed. Looking at her hazy figure before me, feeling the back-and-forth

caressing , I felt no excitement, no emotion, only a deep, visceral weariness.

"I'm leaving. You should get some rest too."

To say such a thing to a woman who held my genitals in her hand, half-kneeling beneath me, looking up at me—even a stranger would feel some pity,

but with her, I seemed to habitually utter such cold words.

She forcefully gripped my limp penis, preventing me from pulling it back; I felt

a sharp pain from the excessive pulling on my erectile tissue. Just as I was about to do something, her warm, heavy breathing aroused me. That

slightly heavy breathing, which I had once been so enamored with, her restrained, subtle moans transformed into those deep

breaths—a unique expression of her emotions. Her

warm, wet tongue gently grazed the glans, still damp with urine, her soft lips and tongue softly enveloping it, gradually becoming more frequent and

faster…

"Do you really think this will work? Do you really think our relationship can be mended like this?" She said nothing, only her heavy breathing grew even more intense and rapid, her hot breath lingering

on my penis . 　　I remained standing by the toilet, letting her tease me. My erectile tissue still lacked sufficient blood supply, limp and lifeless, teased by her soft tongue in the viscous liquid, back and forth… 　　“Actually, you can find a good man. A man who truly treats you well. Why make things difficult for both of us?” She still didn’t speak. I even somewhat hoped that in a fit of anger, she would bite off my culprit, and 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　then… 　　and then? Perhaps we could grow old together like this… 　　Her tongue was tired, and everything was just like that old saying, “a waste of breath.” I let her wipe my soft erectile tissue with a towel . Neither of us spoke. She quietly walked back to the sofa in the living room, sinking into it, looking so petite and fragile. I sat beside her, lit a cigarette, and silently watched her face as she stared at the ceiling. 　　The cigarette butt had been extinguished next to mine; the two butts lay in the same container, like a pair, a family… 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　“ 　　Are you really no longer interested in me?” Her voice was cold, waking me from my reverie. Unable answer, I only nodded slightly. Her face remained fixed on the ceiling, not even glancing at me. Perhaps she didn't need an answer; she just wanted to ask. 　　The distinctive vibrating sound of a cell phone echoed from the small bar counter in the porch. She didn't move. Perhaps the last thing I wanted was that cell phone. “Who remembers who first said, ‘I'll love you forever…’” Even now, that ringtone sounds strangely jarring. She stood there quietly, her posture unchanged, only her heaving chest indicating her continued existence. “Who remembers when love began to change, when you and I saw different skies in our eyes…” The sweet song of yesteryear now carried a dark, ironic tone. 　　"Aren't you going to answer? Is it inconvenient for me to answer while I'm here? Then I'll leave first." As I stood up, she sat up, using her petite arms to pull off her silk nightgown, revealing her fair thighs under the living room's crystal chandelier, almost dazzlingly white. 　　The phone was still ringing, "We're both tired, but we can't go back, both our hearts are confused, there's no hope no matter what we say..." The phone finally stopped, but the lyrics seemed to awaken her. She bent her knees and sat up, her fingertips moving from her toes...

Her fingers glided across her calves, down her thighs, then from her navel across the rounded cleavage of her chest, past

her pressing against her lips with force, highlighting their softness. Her slender fingers slowly slipped into her small mouth,

knuckles disappearing between her lips, until the base of her fingers…

She teased her lips with her wet index finger, her eyes deliberately ambiguous as she said to me, “Today, you want me for one

last night. I’ll sign tomorrow and stop bothering you.”

I didn’t understand the reason for her sudden change in attitude; I didn’t know what she wanted. But if this could be resolved,

it would be good for both of us.

I got up to take off my suit jacket, and she seemed to glide gracefully to my side, her small, slightly upturned white

breasts rubbing against me through her shirt… “I remember the first time you helped me take off my clothes, this last time, let me help you.” A faint smile graced

her flushed face, a smile that seemed slightly intoxicated. 　　Slender, soft fingers slowly unbuttoned my collar, gently slipping inside, tenderly caressing my shoulders, lingering and rubbing. 　　"Do you remember the first time you touched me like this? It started with my shoulders, like a massage, gradually relaxing me, then you gently stroked my back. I remember it was a pleasurable touch." My body stiffened slightly; this wasn't the first time she'd touched me… 　　"When your fingertips touched my nipples, it really hurt, I couldn't help but cry out." 　　Her fingers pinched my nipples hard, her nails digging deep into the flesh. I didn't cry out, perhaps because my nipples were so close to my heart, but a strange pain intensified with each heartbeat, giving me a strong feeling of suffocation. 　　"You lifted my clothes, skillfully unhooking my bra. I felt terrified; my whole body was trembling." 　　She slowly unbuttoned my shirt, one button at a time, and my body trembled slightly. 　　"Do you know what I was afraid of back then? I was afraid you'd do this to other people's bras again, and that I was just a tool for you to practice undressing..." She smiled, but I saw a glint in her eyes. 　　She clumsily unbuckled my belt, the familiar, faint scent of her hair filling the air. "Remember? You held me like this, your arms wrapped around my hands, and unbuckled my belt. Do you know how much force you used? My wrists were red and swollen the next day. I was so scared, so afraid of being seen by my classmates!" I silently wrapped one arm around her slender, boneless waist, suddenly remembering how I'd said her waist was thick, and she'd gone to do yoga to work on it, and had been doing it for years... 　　"When your fingers slid back and forth through my underwear, do you know how embarrassing it was? My face and body burned with shame, but you said I was aroused, and then you forced yourself on me..." She traced the outline of my underwear with her fingers, teasing me. My body was gradually heating up, my face was burning too. Was it lust , or something else entirely? I don't know… 　　“I still remember the sound it made when you took it out of your pants and bounced against my stomach . The thought of it forcefully tearing me apart makes my body tremble uncontrollably, yet you said I was just too aroused to resist.” A deep smile spread across her rosy face. I couldn't help but start trembling; I tried to control it, but I could still feel my whole body shaking. 　　“You were so forceful back then, just shoving it in like that. That excruciating pain was so real , I felt it firsthand.” She guided me into her vagina with her hand, and the semi-erect penis slipped out in an instant. My body was still trembling, trembling against hers. 　　"You thrust in so hard, then suddenly pulled out. Do you know that was the first time in my life I gasped for breath? That feeling..." She continued trying to insert her insufficiently engorged penis, and I was still 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　trembling... 　　"You suddenly squatted down, forcefully pulling my legs apart, making me lie there looking. The tearing pain you caused, the naked body I'd never touched before, the private parts I'd never shown anyone before... I cried then, and you said I was faking it , that I was too delicate..." I heard her voice choke with sobs. I gently stroked her smooth back, hugged her tightly , and my trembling subsided slightly. She was still rubbing her penis back and forth against the wet opening, her warm breath heavy on my neck. 　　"Give it to me, okay?" I could feel the warmth of her face against my shoulder, and her slightly trembling voice, "Please, love me for one more night..." I felt my heart pounding slowly and heavily in my chest, 　　　　　　　　　　　　　a suffocating, dull pain... 　　She kneaded and manipulated the foreskin with her fingers, "Is it disgusted with me?" I stood there, stunned, not knowing what to say . I didn't even understand why I was standing there like this, why she had become like this 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　... 　　"If you're disgusted, if you think the front isn't clean, you can use the back." She actually thought the place where was cleaner than the front. I suddenly felt pathetic, not for her, not for myself, just a simple feeling. 　　"I'm sorry, I really can't do it." After a long silence, I had to apologize to her. I still couldn't... 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　" 　　Are you leaving?" Her hand tightly gripped my lifeless penis. If she were to describe her feelings, it would be that she was gripping it so tightly it hurt. Words are too pale and hurtful! I remained silent, bewildered and without a solution . 　　"Please don't leave tonight, okay?" she pleaded. 　　"But... I really can't, I'm sorry..." My voice trailed off. 　　"Remember you once said that neither of us should apologize to the other anymore? Those who will forgive will be forgiven , and those who won't forgive won't be forgiven even if they apologize. Right?" Her face, her words, made me waver, made 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　me feel dazed... 　　"Just like back then, we did nothing, just slept together, just nestled together, embracing, waiting for the dawn..." 　　Everything was so beautiful then, she was so innocent, so naive... 　　"Please don't despise me, okay? Just tonight, just this one night." I relented, just tonight.

She pulled me to our old bed. "It's just you and me here, and this bed belongs only to

you and me." I understood what she meant, though I didn't ask, she was afraid I'd mind…

Without the barrier of our clothes, she curled up in my arms, pulling on my arm, burying her face in her

chest … That night I did nothing, just felt like I was back in my first love, sleeping peacefully in her arms without any ulterior motives. I

slept soundly, deeply, I hadn't slept like that in ages.

When I opened my eyes in the morning, I felt her body was a little cool. I pulled the sheets up, quietly looking at her

serene smile in her sleep. It must be a sweet dream…

————A long time later————

The piece of paper in my hand wasn't big, but the few words on it felt incredibly heavy, so heavy that my hand

trembled uncontrollably, and my body trembled uncontrollably.

"Husband, this is the last time I'll call you that. Don't blame me, I'm really leaving,

leaving as your wife. I will always be your wife, I love you, without regret!"

The hurried footsteps faded away in front of the silent operating room.

"How's your wife?"

"She arrived too late." I took a deep breath. "Not much hope..." I slowly exhaled,

the paper in my hand trembling.

"Fatty, I need your help." I looked down at the ground.

"Brothers, let's talk things out. No need for talk of help."

"Send money to my parents twice a year and say hello for me."

"You're not thinking of doing something rash, are you? You've sacrificed yourself for that bastard. Do you think it was worth it?"

"Fatty, do you remember our dream from back then?"

"...I remember." Fatty didn't say it aloud, I knew it was because of the occasion and me.

"To make every man in the world a cuckold. That was our ideal back then, but now someone else has achieved it." My clenched

fist trembled slightly.

"Take it easy. Some things are reality, not ideals." Fatty's once bold voice was now

low .

"Do you understand what it feels like to lose your wife but still have the cuckold's horns?" I gently patted Fatty's shoulder.

"Okay, I'll agree to your request! But wait until your wife has a result before making any plans."

"Fatty, we brothers don't need to thank each other, I'll remember."

"Come on, slap me, hard." Fatty suddenly thrust his chubby face in front of me.

Five finger marks appeared on Fatty's face. I looked at him, waiting for his answer.

"If I hadn't told your wife that time, you two wouldn't be like this. I deserve to slap you." Fatty

muttered to himself, head down.

"Fatty, do you think it's better for me to know I've been cheated on, or to be ignorant and let others see me?"

Fatty patted my shoulder with his chubby hand, then gave me a tight hug. We didn't

say anything more.

Fatty sat next to me, fiddling with his phone. The light outside the operating room was still on.

"Hello~! It's me, Fatty. What's up? What? Okay, I'll be right there." Fatty answered a call and

looked at me apologetically.

"I'm fine. You can go ahead and do your thing. I'll call you later."

Fatty left. I sat there quietly, my mind a jumble of plans and memories.

"Which one is a family member?"

I awaited the doctor's verdict. Even someone who's been in the business world for years couldn't tell the outcome from a doctor's

face . I had to admit

, doctors can be cold-blooded. "We've done our best. My condolences." The doctor finished speaking and left. I could even hear the light footsteps

fading away. Perhaps it was a relief for the doctor, and for both of us.

Silently watching the doorway, I thought, "Now that you're settled, I can get some things done." I took a deep

breath, opened the window, lit a cigarette, and took a deep drag, watching the smoke drift away.

I remembered her voice that always echoed in my ear:

"I like the way you smoke. You should smoke more in the future."

"What kind of girlfriend is you? Other girlfriends advise their boyfriends to smoke less so they can grow old together."

"I'm your girlfriend, not someone else's. I just like watching the smoke drift away. I can see

the future in it, things that don't exist in reality, and what you'll look like when you're old. How ugly!"

"Sir, you can't smoke here. Please put out your cigarette." A woman's voice called out. I pinched the cigarette and slowly

turned head. A nurse, her face somewhat blurry, seemed to be the first time I'd seen her in a nurse's uniform.

"I'm sorry, sir! I hope you can accept my condolences. The deceased is gone." The nurse handed me a

tissue , and I realized that it was her eyes that were blurry, not her face.

————Four Months Later————

"Fatty, do you have to just run off like that without saying a word?" I

hissed at Fatty across the long table.

"It was an accident, wasn't it? How can you say that? Who wants to stay in this freezing winter and sweltering summer place

with barely any food?" Fatty rubbed his bald head; his beloved rugged hairstyle was gone.

"You… do you need anything here?" I wanted to ask, "Are you alright?" But how could this place be alright?

I didn't ask that stupid question.

"Do me a favor: send money to my parents twice a year, and try to visit them for Chinese New Year if you can." Fatty feigned

sincerity, staring at me with his small eyes wide open. I couldn't help but laugh, and he laughed too.

"Don't worry, I'll take good care of them. I have nothing left but some money." I took out

a cigarette, asked the guard next to me, then put it away.

"Hahaha, you little rascal, you know how to ask people. Want to come in with me? You can smoke inside."

Fatty teased me.

"How many years?" A smile still lingered on my face.

"Manslaughter. It was supposed to be five years, but he was an official, so they gave him leniency and made it seven." The fat man gestured to his large frame when he said

"leniency .

" "When you get out, try to get another leniency. Get out sooner, your parents will worry about you," I teased.

"Don't betray me, just say I went abroad. To a small place, where phone calls aren't convenient, maybe some small country in South Africa!"

the fat man said nervously.

"I know, we've been lying to our parents since we were little, we're pretty much in sync. Don't worry about me

." Though I said it lightly, I still felt a bit heavy-hearted.

"Sister-in-law, please offer incense for me every year. She's a good woman!"

"She's a good wife, I'm not a good man."

"Fatty, thanks. Without your guidance, I wouldn't know what your sister-in-law has done."

"You mean... sister-in-law, she's a good woman, I've always thought so. It's just that man, I just

couldn't stand him. Thankfully, heaven had mercy and I killed him."

"Last year, that project had some loose ends, and that lecherous guy caught us. Instead of asking us for money, he

went to your sister-in-law!"

Leaving that cold, large room, facing the barren grass and the vast sky, and that piercing gaze,

I had a strange feeling—sadness, joy, emptiness, regret...

(End of text )

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