My boyfriend caught me masturbating in bed.

Here's the thing: My boyfriend and I work at the same company and now live together.
We've been living together for almost six months, and our relationship was great until
recently when he got a promotion. He's under a lot of work pressure, taking on many tasks that his predecessors left without proper handover. So he's incredibly busy at work, and I've noticed all of this, which
has reduced our sex life. When we first moved in together, we had sex about five or six times a week, but now it's about once or twice a week, and sometimes I'm the one who initiates (I'm a little embarrassed...).
But please understand, as a woman, I can't always be the one initiating! And I fully understand how hard he works, so it's normal that I don't feel like it when I get home.
So sometimes when I do feel like it, I take care of it myself.
But, the truth will eventually come out!
That afternoon... yesterday, Saturday afternoon... we had planned to go see Transformers. Before leaving, he was going to take a shower. I lay in bed watching him take a towel to the bathroom, thinking it would probably take about twenty minutes. So I covered myself with the blanket and started doing my own thing. (I did it very discreetly... my clothes were neatly arranged.)
Just as I put my hands down, he went back to the room to get his clothes. He saw me lying in bed with my eyes open and asked what I was doing.
I was instantly stunned, my expression very awkward
. Seeing my awkward expression, he also paused for a moment, then, while pulling back the blanket, asked: "You're not doing your own thing, are you?"
I nodded blankly...
Then he smiled (an awkward smile) and shook his head, went back to the bathroom without taking his clothes,
leaving me lying there completely stunned. I just stood
there until he finished showering and came out. Seeing me still there, he asked: "Finished doing your own thing?"
I said: "Yeah ."
He said: "Comfortable?"
I said: "Yeah."
He started getting dressed, without saying a word.
I was so embarrassed I could cry out in horror! I really just wanted to tell him he'd mistaken me for someone else! The person doing the DIY wasn't me, and even if it was, it was a misunderstanding...
So I asked him, "Why do you ask? Don't you want to go?"
(Please note I've been caught; from the moment I pulled the blanket back, I froze, not moving an inch, because the immense embarrassment had pinned me firmly to the bed.)
He then said with a stern face, "You're just sitting here, aren't you? If you don't want to go, just say so. Then we won't go."
I tried to get up, but felt rooted to the spot, so I said, "Then we won't go..."
Without a word, he took off his clothes, pants, socks, shoes, and watch, one by one, and put them away, extremely silent and calm.
I was terrified. I asked him, "Are you angry?"
He said, "Of course! You watched me put on all these clothes, and then you tell me you're not going." Why didn't you say you didn't want to go earlier?
Because he had a little outburst (although it was over something else). My unease finally lessened a bit, so I sat up and said to him: "Then let's go."
He immediately regained his composure: "Forget it, everyone's not in the mood
, I'll continue."
"Okay, since everyone's not in the mood,
let's talk about DIY."
So I started explaining to myself, "I know you've been under a lot of work pressure lately and aren't in the mood, so I can't force you, because I don't want to put more pressure on you, so I'll handle it myself..."
He actually asked me coldly: "Why are you still talking about this? It's nothing, I'm just in a bad mood right now."
I asked, "Why are you in a bad mood?"
He then calmly analyzed for me: "Think about it, if you went to take a shower, and then remembered you forgot something and came back to get it, and suddenly found me watching porn and masturbating, what would you think?"
I thought about it seriously for a while and replied: "I would think you find my body unattractive."
He said, "Yeah, so now I'm wondering, did you often do this before? Why would you rather solve it yourself than tell me?"
I said, "I'm a woman, I can't expect you to take the initiative, can I?"
He reminded me, "Didn't you take the initiative before? Did I refuse you?"
I thought about it, and realized, "You haven't refused me, but if I were refused, how could I face living in this world? "
Okay, let me continue
. We spent about thirty minutes discussing this.
His point was that if you have an idea, you should bring it up. Even if he's not interested, he'll try his best to satisfy me.
But I feel that if you're forced to "try your best," it's better for me to solve it myself...
Of course, I didn't say it that way. I said, "How can I, a woman, always make demands?"
Then he used his Scorpio traits and coldly asked, "So you mean even if I don't want to, I'll force you to do 'that' with me every day so you'll be happy?"
(Interjecting and complaining: Scorpios are really cold when they get cold...)
Everyone! I've somehow become the one who forces him to do *that* with me every day. Honestly, if I hadn't been caught red-handed, I would never have brought this up. It
's just so embarrassing!! So incredibly embarrassing!!
Three whole days have passed since I caught him.
In these three days, we haven't mentioned it again, and I haven't done *that*. We still eat, sleep, and work together, but I can feel something's different. Before, he would face me when we slept, but now he sleeps with his back to me, far away on his side. Last night, I was lying in bed looking at his back and suddenly felt so far away from him.
Unable to sleep, I went to the balcony to smoke. I had just lit a cigarette when he followed me out and asked what I was doing. I said I couldn't sleep and came out for a smoke. He jokingly asked if I was hiding out to call another man. He always jokes like that, but this time he actually reached behind me to check if I had my phone (I was curled up in a chair in the corner of the balcony). Anyway, I continued, and he actually came up behind me to check if I had my phone ready to call anyone. Finding nothing, he asked me what was wrong, then went back to sleep. He could probably guess what was wrong with me from the hair on my head. What else could I be doing but being caught red-handed and not knowing what to do? But he resolutely avoided the topic (Scorpios are so patient!). I continued smoking on the balcony, listening to sad songs, feeling more wronged than Dou E (a legendary figure known for her tragic fate). When I heard the song "Crying," with the lyrics "I sing alone, my voice turns cold. And what is loneliness, what is a cold heart…" tears just started falling. (Okay, I admit I'm gay and sentimental, but I'm really suffering!) You know, I'm with a man five years older than me, and I've only just gotten a formal relationship with him (he wouldn't admit I was his girlfriend until last month when he asked me out), and now this happens. How unlucky can I be? So unlucky, so unlucky…

This undoubtedly made our already unstable relationship even worse.
I know exactly what he's thinking. He's an employee sent from head office, spending eight months here and four months back at headquarters each year. He's going back at the end of this month, and he must be thinking, "She's so demanding, I took care of her while I was here. Who knows who she'll be messing around with after I leave? I'd better not like her too much."
But honestly, heaven and earth!! I never even considered betraying him or cheating. The problem is, how can I reassure him and make him trust me?
I feel like I'm about to reach my breaking point.
I'm on the balcony surfing the internet right now, and he's in the study, glued to his computer, doing something eerily quiet.
I've smoked a whole pack of cigarettes since 6 PM tonight (oh wait, there's one left, let me light it...).
I'm smoking this last cigarette, thinking about how I need to start looking for a place and moving out tomorrow.
But there was a little incident today. We were coming home from work, and when we got into the elevator on the basement level, it was just the two of us. He hugged me, but when the elevator stopped on the first floor, someone else was getting in. The moment the doors opened, he jumped away, and then he didn't say anything until we got home.
These past few days, our conversations have been limited to simple things like, "What do you think of my outfit today?" Or it's either "What do you want to eat tonight?" or "Have you seen my keys?"
Aside from that, it's just some pointless jokes, like calling each other fat (we're both very thin), or joking about each other's colleagues (like how I always say the receptionist is his secret girlfriend), not funny at all = (
Hey, I'm still awake!!
I just went downstairs to buy fruit, cut it up, and called him out to eat. So
now we're sitting side-by-side at the living room dining table, with a fruit platter in the middle, each on a computer. He's on his car forum, and I'm on Tianya.
He glanced at my screen and said, "Oh, that porn site again? Having fun chatting with everyone?"
I'm sweating bullets
! What am I going to do?!
After finishing this fruit platter, I'm going to
... I'm back! I'm reporting back!!
Let's start with the fruit platter from last night.
After I finished tidying up the table and closed my laptop, I mustered up the courage to ask him, "Do you want to go to bed with me?"
He looked at his car forum without even lifting his eyelids and said, "Soon."
I nodded, silently went back to the bedroom, pulled up the covers, and started fiddling with them
for about fifteen minutes. Then he came in with his laptop, sat on the bed, and continued fiddling with his car forum, occasionally bursting into laughter (just like when I'm on Tianya and see the replies from the experts, I sometimes chuckle, and just like when you're on Tianya and see my silly, entertaining posts, you sometimes burst out laughing...).
Okay, back to the point!
I was sulking when he burst into laughter, so I didn't, as usual, poke my head out to ask, "What's up?" "So funny?"
He sensed something was off about me and asked, "What's wrong?"
I countered, "What's wrong?"
He then pressed me for details.
I desperately wanted to blurt out, "I want
sex! Give it to me now!!" or "I'm going to rape you!!"
But as you all know from my brief interactions with me over the past few days, I know that someone as reserved as me is absolutely incapable of saying such things…
After a long pause, I finally managed to blurt out, "I called you to come to bed earlier…"
He instantly exploded, saying, "Are you kidding me? You can stay on your Chinese forum as long as you want, and when you're done, if you call me, I have to shut down my computer too!"
I weakly replied, "I just wanted to spend some time with you…"
He said, "Please, we're on 247 (24 hours a day, 7 days a week)." We've been together all week, and just now I even ran from my study to the living room to sit next to you and surf the internet, just so we could be "together." Now you say you just want to be with me? What exactly do you want
from me? Finally, my inner turmoil exploded! I said, do you think being together means two people in the same space, each doing their own thing at work, one computer per person, pretending not to know each other? And if it's like this after work, what's the difference between us and roommates? All I talked about on that Chinese forum was about you, because I don't know how to communicate with you anymore. We talk more on AIM (mostly about work) than face-to-face!
I know I can't change you, but I just feel like you don't like me all the time. Although I know if you didn't like me, you wouldn't want to live with me, wouldn't want to take care of me, wouldn't introduce me to your family, but you're so cold, and I just feel... Feeling utterly unwanted
, I felt increasingly wronged as I spoke, and tears streamed down my face uncontrollably.
He was silent for a long time before saying, "Okay, these past few days you've been telling me in different ways what a terrible boyfriend I am. If you're unhappy with me, what's the point of it all?
" My mind went blank for a moment—if I'm unhappy with him, what's the point of it all?
I jumped out of bed, ran to the balcony, and started smoking one cigarette after another, pondering why I should be with him if I'm unhappy—because he's handsome?
As I lit my second cigarette, he followed me out and asked, "Can you tell me what you want from me?"
Normally, I would never answer this question, but since I was already thinking about why I was with him, I decided to go for it—" "I want you to hold me, like you really want to."
He was taken aback: "That's it?"
I said it was pretty much like that,
but he was still surprised and asked me three or four times, "That's it? We hug all the time, is that all you want me to do?"
I thought about it, and if I had any other requests, it would probably be for him to say "I love you" to me with some emotion, but I didn't mention it. Of course I couldn't mention it; I wasn't that stupid...
He sat quietly with me on the balcony for a while, muttering to himself, "Girls really..." "Delicate." I
went back to the bedroom
, finished my cigarette, took a shower, and changed my clothes (actually, I was just looking for trouble to procrastinate so I could go back to the bedroom later).
But I couldn't procrastinate for more than a night. In fact, after trying everything, half a day had slowly passed.
I listlessly climbed into bed...
He wasn't asleep.
He said to me, "I can't say your feelings are wrong, because that's your true feeling. I can't persuade you to change, just like you said you can't force me to change. Do you want to move out?"
I said no.
He said, "Great, I don't want you to move out either. How about this, I'll put down the sofa bed in the study tomorrow and turn it into a bedroom. Being roommates will make you happier."
(Clang clang clang clang clang clang clang clang!)
He continued to tell me how to turn our relationship back into roommates.
I casually turned off the light and kissed his lips. He finally stopped talking.
What followed was intense, crazy, warm, and wet...
And we arrived at the same time (it's amazing! I've never arrived at the same time as anyone else before, and I've only arrived at the same time with him once or twice).
I whispered in his ear, "How could I want to move away? I want to see you every day..."
He hugged me very tightly, but he only said "shh..."
He held me tightly all night (the first time! Before, he always hugged his own pillow. He has four pillows and he hugs a different one each night depending on his mood and physical condition).
The next day (which is today!), he held my hand everywhere we went (even from the company parking lot to the elevator, we held hands!! He's never done this before!!~).
Tonight, when I was cooking, he stayed in the kitchen wanting to help (before, I would cook while he went to his car forum). After realizing that he couldn't help with anything except washing snow peas, he didn't leave. I asked him what he was doing there, and he said it was because he was hungry, but I know that's not it).

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My boyfriend caught me masturbating in bed.

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