Adult Jokes Collection 3

The couple, both painters,
had a history of infidelity and distrusted each other. One day, when the husband went out, the wife, fearing he would
cheat on her husband, drew two small monkeys on his genitals. Not to be outdone, the husband
drew a small guard on his wife's genitals, saying, "You'd better guard the door for me."
That night, when the husband returned home, the wife took off his pants to check and found that the two monkeys were still there, but
their positions were wrong.
The wife said, "These two monkeys aren't in the right positions. They're not the two I drew this morning. Looks like you've been messing around behind my back again
."
The husband retorted, "They are clearly these two monkeys! You're just trying to cause trouble for me."
The wife said, "My two monkeys were positioned lower, near the bushes. Look! They're almost at the top now
..."
The husband argued, "Monkeys can climb trees. They were in the bushes this morning, so it's not surprising they're at the top now."
He then began to examine his wife's drawing and noticed that the little guard he had drawn was on the left side of the gate, but now he was
on the right. He flew into a rage, yelling, "You shameless hussy, you dare argue with me? You drew this guard very well,
but you drew the direction wrong. It was on the left, now it's on the right..."
The wife said, "Don't the guards change shifts? It's not wrong for him to be on the right!"
The husband roared, "Nonsense!"
The wife sneered, "You're allowed to let your monkeys climb trees, but my guards aren't allowed to change shifts? You're the one with the absurdity!"
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Black.....
One day, Xiaoqing went to the pharmacy to buy condoms. The shopkeeper showed her all the different kinds, but she didn't like any of them.
Xiaoqing specifically asked for black ones........
The shopkeeper asked, puzzled: "There are so many new and innovative designs these days, why do you only want black ones?"
Xiaoqing said shyly: "No, it's nothing!!! A good friend of mine recently passed away..
I'm buying black condoms to comfort his widow." A group of prostitutes from the Love River in Kaohsiung, jokingly
referred to as "Goddesses," came to the city council one day demanding a formal professional title. A councilor asked, "What title are you planning to use? Isn't 'Goddess' good enough?" One of the prostitutes replied, "It's not that it's bad... we just want a more formal name." The councilor then asked, "So what are you going to use?" The prostitutes responded, "We want a new name—'Reporter.' " At this point, the reporters standing nearby became furious. One reporter exclaimed, " How can you do this? Isn't this misleading ?" The prostitutes retorted, " Why not? You reporters are in the 'service industry,' and so are we. You 'welcome submissions,' and we also welcome 'making money'!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ One day, I went to a restaurant with a foreign friend to eat dumplings . A pretty waitress came to ask how much it cost. My friend, never missing an opportunity to practice his Chinese, blurted out, "How much is 'sleeping'?" The waitress was embarrassed and then quite angry. I quickly explained that he was asking how much the dumplings cost. ... When the dumplings were served, I asked him if he wanted wasabi. He then called over another waitress and asked if we had any "programs." The waitress readily replied, "Yes, what kind of program would you like?" "You know, the yellow kind..." #@$#@$#%^&*^! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A university Chinese department was having a class on "Explaining Characters and Analyzing Words." Today's topic was the character "男" (male). The professor asked everyone a question: "Why is there a '田' (field) character on top of '男'?" "Because men are responsible for farming!" Ahui answered. " Very good ," the professor nodded and continued, "Then why is there a 'force' character in 'below'? Afang, you answer this." Afang thought for a moment, then stammered, "Can a man be called a man if he doesn't have force down there ?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Xiaoli saw Xiaohua's penis and asked what it was. Xiaohua said, "I don't know. I'll go ask the teacher." The teacher told Xiaohua, "Look carefully, this is a child's penis." Then the teacher took out his own penis, "This is an adult's penis." Xiaohua ran to tell Xiaoli that the teacher said it was a child's penis. The teacher also said that anything smaller is an adult's penis. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A lovely young girl went to see a doctor during lunchtime. At the clinic, she saw a handsome young man in white. The girl said, "My shoulder has been hurting for a week, can you take a look?" The young man in white said, "Lie down on the bed, I'll massage you." A few minutes later, the girl cried out, "Ah! Doctor! This isn't my shoulder!" The young man laughed and said, "I know, but I'm not a doctor!"Which horse runs faster, the stallion or the mare? The stallion~ spurs on the horse! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Three men, after death, arrived together at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter was there to welcome them: "Welcome, all of you who have the privilege of ascending to..."

"Heaven. Heaven is too big, and each of you needs your own means of transportation, so I will give them to you now." St.
Peter said to the first man, "You have been dissolute and unfaithful to your wife all your life. Fortunately, you have become more restrained in your later years, so I
can only give you a mountain bike." St. Peter said to the second man, "You are much more honest than the first one
, and you have only had a few philanderings, but someone like you only deserves a
low-end car." St. Peter said to the third man, "You are a rare good man. You
have been loyal and loving to your wife all your life, which is truly commendable and makes you a model husband. Therefore, I will give you a
Rolls-Royce luxury car as a reward for your lifelong fidelity." Just as the three men were about to leave, they saw
the man in the Rolls-Royce car burst into tears. The other two men asked him in bewilderment, "You got the best car, are
n't you satisfied ? Why are you crying?" The man replied: "I just saw my wife; she's using a skateboard over there!"
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A weather reporter: Today's weather is sunny with occasional showers; the northern region will experience unpredictable weather with the possibility of thunderstorms; friends in the north, please remember to bring rain gear. The central and southern regions will have
bright sunshine and a high UV index; there is a risk of sunburn when going out; please bring your penis when you go out...

有一天一个女人走进一家妇产科求诊
她将衣服掀起告诉医生说她胸部很痛

医生一看:哇，果然又红又肿忙问:这怎摸会这样啊

她小声的说: 奶的啦..

医生:哦~这难免的嘛!!第一次都是这样的，久一点应该会习惯的唷~

她把声音压的更低说:不,是奶大人的啦~
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有一天，一只小浣熊跑到"妓"艺中心... 然后就偷偷潜入一间"暗索索"的房间~
看到了一个妓女躺在床上..就偷跑过去舔她的下体!! 过了不久，小熊要开溜了...却
被妓女叫住~~
妓女说:"小浣熊，你还没付钱哟~"
小浣熊说:"我为什麽要付钱钱呀???"
妓女于是搬出"辞海"..查阅"妓女"一词给小熊看!!
妓女:"小浣熊，你看..字典上写着...... "妓女"...以性行为交易金钱为职业的人!!
妓女:"所以你要付钱钱...了解吗??"
小浣熊也迅速的将辞海翻到有"小浣熊"的这一面...指给妓女看!! 只见字典上写着"小
浣熊"...."天生喜好吃杂草的动物!!"
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a男a女和b男b女两对老夫少妻同时住进一大饭店的相邻套房度蜜月. b 这对新婚夫
妇因丈夫年事已高一蹶不振, 所以整晚冷清至极, 相反地隔壁房间却整晚闹哄哄的.
于是到了隔天早上, b 女便偷偷请教a 女为何她丈夫年纪更大却仍如此勇猛, 以致昨
晚房间热闹非凡, 是否有甚麽秘诀. a 女回答曰" 其实也没甚麽啦! 昨晚我先将我
俩的衣服脱光让他躺在床上, 然后把他那话儿竖起 , 接着赌它会倒向那一边!! "
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小轩觉得自己罪孽深重，所以他决定到教堂去找神父告解。当他到教堂时,他走进告
解室对神父说。
『神父，我有罪。『是的孩子，告诉我你做了什麽，上帝会释免你的。』
『神父..我小时候..看见一只小母狗..而且路上没有人.. 所以我很调皮地去摸小母狗
的咪咪..』
『嗯..这没关系..你那时还小..不懂事..小 case』
神父，我和女友一直有着亲密的关系，这样已经叁年了从没什麽要紧的事发生。昨
天，我去她家找她时，只有她妹妹一个人在家，所以我和她妹妹上床了。』
『孩子,这是不对的，但你还是可以得到神的释免。』
『神父，上个礼拜我到她办公室去找她，但除了一个她女同事没有其他人在那儿，我
也和她的同事上床了。』
『这实在是很不好的行为。』
『神父,上个月以前,我到她舅舅家去找她, 但只有她舅妈一个人在家，所以我又和她
舅妈上床了。』 ......................
『神父? ......... 神父? 突然男子发觉神父那边没反应, 他走到神父那边发觉神父
不在这儿..所以他开始寻找神父。
『神父?你在哪里?』他找了又找,终于他在钢琴底下找到神父。
『神父,你为什麽躲在这里呢?』
『抱歉..孩子，我突然发觉这里只有我一个人....
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有一天我们班在上国文课的时候虽然已经下课很久但老师还是自顾着讲课,一点都没
有下课的意思终于有一位学生不耐烦的说 : 老师!! 你 "教够" 了没!!
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有一位嫖客在和妓女交易完后, 一直称赞这位妓女的技术实在太好了,在那里学来的?
妓女说: 只要客人高兴就好,这些都是我以前在马戏团学来的! 嫖客????问: 马戏团能
够学到这种技术,请问你是表演什麽??????? 妓女说: "吞剑"
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话说在成功岭上的有一天......值星班长带着大专女兵在精神答数: 班长:看我们的队
伍女兵:雄壮威武班长:听我们的歌声女兵:响彻云霄班长:用我们的身体
女兵:赚取外汇班长:用我们的大腿女兵:夹死共匪

『爸爸，如果躺在地上，把两腿举得高高的，是不是就可以上天堂了？』
六岁的小明天真的问。
『你在说些什麽？』小明的爸爸听不懂他的童言童语。
小明一本正经的解释道：『昨天我看见妈妈躺在客厅地上，两条腿举的很高，
嘴礼一直喊着“哦！我的天！我的天啊！”，还好有阿成叔叔压在她身上，
要不然的话，我想妈妈已经上天堂了.........』
------------------------------------------------------------------------
年轻人坐进计程车，发现计程司机是个女的，立刻决定开个小玩笑，他说：「送我
到城里最便宜的一家妓院去。」「先生，」计程女司机回答：「你已经在里面了! 」
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小朱跟他的女友开着他的新车出去兜风，那是一辆车厢狭窄的流线型小跑车。他车
子停在寂静的路边，经过一阵爱抚后，女孩羞怯地跳下车，跑向附近的一块草坪。但
当
她发现小朱并没有跟上来时，不禁娇嗔：「在我的热情消失以前，你赶快给我下车!
」
小朱挣扎了一阵后，沮丧地说：「在我的热情消失以前，我下不了车。」
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性感的兔女郎对一位一丝不挂的男人吃吃地笑着。「你是第一次来天体营吗? 」女
郎问「是呀，正是，」他害羞的承认：「你 -- 你怎幺知道的? 是我的皮肤太白吗?
」
「喔，不是，」女郎说：「是它十分的坚挺。」
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法官望着台下的女郎，「你声称被告从你的丝袜里偷走了钱? 」他问道。「是的，
大人」她回答。「好，那你为甚幺不反抗? 」法官问。女核子红着脸，低下头，「我
不
知道他是要偷我的钱。」她回答。
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小韩：「你知道吗? 我和太太结婚后，从来没有和她做过爱。你呢? 」小丁：「偶
尔，当你出差的时候。」
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法院正在审理一件命案，性感的应召女郎坐在被告席上。法官：「根据目前的种种
资料，对你十分不利，你有什幺话可说? 女郎：「有的，命案的当天我一直躺在床
上，
而且，我至有十六位证人。」
------------------------------------------------------------------------
一名法官下令没收一部叫做「一百零一种爱的方式」的影片，原因是内容太过猥亵
，而且 ---- 法官看了第二遍后，叹道：「我只看得懂九种方式。」
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在和一对美丽的孪生姊妹其中之一，结婚一年后，丈夫到法院诉请离婚。当法官问
他理由时，他回答道：「因为我太太的妹妹常常到我家来玩，我时常会弄错而与她作
爱
。」法官说：「不过，她们俩个中间总有不同的地方吧! 」「对啊! 这正是我要离婚
的
理由。
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一位新来的空中小姐，被传唤到航空公司人员训练总部。「我们得知你第一次的飞
行服务中有段插曲，」女主管训道：「记着，黄小姐，从现在起若有男乘客晕机，我
们
希望你扶他进医疗室，而不是你的更衣室。」
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一位迷人的女郎夏天开着车子到全国旅行，由于天气实在太热，她全身已经香汗淋
漓，开到某个乡下地方时，她看到一座水池，于是她决定停车游个水，凉凉身，她脱
光
跳进水中，享受几分钟的清凉后，突然发现两位农夫躲在树丛下偷看，由于她的衣服
摆
在水池的另一边，不过靠近她身边有个澡盆，于是她拿起澡盆遮住身子，往那两位农
夫
走去。「你们两个王八蛋难道没别事好做吗? 」她咆哮道：「你们知道我怎幺想吗?
」
「是的，女士，」个子较高的一位说：「你想问我们甚幺地方可以补你那浴盆上的大?
础！?
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小女孩第一次看到她的弟弟没穿衣服，她困惑的问妈妈：「为什幺他有，我却没有
? 」「不要急，亲爱的，」母亲很有技术的回答：「要是你行，长大后会拥有一个，
如
果你十分行，那就会得到许多个。」
------------------------------------------------------------------------
单身汉和他的女友决定去参加乡下俱乐部的化装舞会，会场上每人都需披上唯妙唯
肖的各种动物道具，在地上爬行，进行节目，他们一扮公牛一扮母行玩得倒起劲。然
而
，一小时过后，单身汉开始厌烦，建议到附近透透空气，于是他们偷偷的爬出园子，
为
免引起注意，仍着牛装爬到附近农场，途中他们碰上了一只土产的大公牛，它似乎看
上
了他的女友。女孩子不知所措的问道：「怎幺办? 我们。」「我。。。。我到别的地
方
吃草，」当凶悍大公牛逼近的时候单身汉脸色惨白：「可。。。。可是我看你最好还
是
身子弯低点跟它敷衍一下。」
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有一个男人带着女孩子驾车兜风，离城七公里后，他向她求爱，她拒绝了，而且还
下车步行回家。第二天晚上，这个男人再邀她外出，离城十二公里时，他又向她求
爱，
她又拒绝了，同时又下车步行回家。第三天，他把车子开离城三十公里外向她求爱，
她
终于答应了，几番亲热后，他禁不住好奇问她干嘛这次肯答应。她说：「我可以自个
儿
步行七公里甚至十二公里回家，以免我的朋友遭受淋病之灾，但三十公里实在是太远
了。」
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一位女秘书被一家广告公司解雇，原因是她在老板的办公桌上和设计主任达成性关
系，举发人是公司的办事员。于是她向法院控诉办事员诽谤，办事员在法庭指称，在
老
板桌上，女秘书的头是搁在桌台上面，穿着长□的腿则离开桌台，公司的其他女孩子
也
证实这项指控，她们说，女秘书是个荡女，身着撩人的迷你裙，当她弯下身子，男人
都
能看到她粉红色的内裤。但法官听了对质后，判决：美丽的女秘书不可能在那长狭的
桌
上用这种方式做爱，办事员诽谤须缴纳罚金十万元。
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在加州欧罗维尔的一宗强暴案件中，年轻的原告对回答「在展开攻击之前，被告对
你说了什幺? 」怠到很困扰，她宁愿写在纸条上代替口头回答，法官同意。在笕了纸
条
后，法官要首席陪审员把纸条在陪审团间依次传递。有一位男陪审员从开始就在打瞌
睡
，突然被隔壁一位的女陪审员推醒，并传给他一张纸条，上面写的是：「我要让你享
受
前所未有的高潮。」他慢慢地看，禁不住泛起微笑，然后把纸条塞进裤袋里。当法官
要
他再传递给下一位陪审员时，他严正的拒绝，说：「这是私人的事，法官大人。」
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某古堡主要远行他方，为了避免别人染指他那漂亮的太太，他在他太太隐蔽的地方
装了一把刀片。堡主远行回来以后，发觉他九个仆人中，八个变成了太监，另外一个
比
较幸运 -- -- 变成哑巴。
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男孩和女孩在舞会中相遇，虽然她让他送回家，但不答应和他好。女孩说：「听好
，和我在一起的男孩需具备两个条件 ---- 一辆至少十二尺长的宾士轿车，和一种至
少
十二寸长的工具。」男孩说他办到，然后回来找她。三天后，男孩来了，骄傲地指着
他
停在一的新轿车。正当女孩几乎不敢相信之际，他靠过去告诉她：「至于另外一件
事，
医生说他可以缩小到你所需要的长度。」
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一位年轻人热恋着一个惹火女郎，他很想向她求婚，可是由于他身体那部份发育不
全，他有点自卑，所以不敢开口。有一天晚上，他带她到一个很黑暗的地方，把那个
放
在她手里看她有什幺反应，她说：「对不起，我不抽烟的。」完毕
------------------------------------------------------------------------
有一天,来了一台性机器,
甲乙丙三人想试试看谁那里较厉害.
甲就先把自己的放进去,电脑就说:你的家庭会很幸福.
乙也把自己的放进去,电脑说:你的家庭会很美满.
丙也不甘示弱,把自己的也放进去,
电脑说:先生,请不要把牙签放进来开玩笑.
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一位胖男子走进号称保证 3 天减掉 20 公斤,
The slimming agency promised a refund if the money wasn't paid. After clarifying the guarantees,
the overweight man signed a contract
and booked a weight loss course for the next day.
The next day, a beautiful employee led him to a large room
where a naked, dark-haired woman had a sign around her neck that read: "
Catch me and I'll play with you 3 times!" With such
beauty before him, the overweight man naturally chased after the woman around the room.
After running for a while, he finally caught her and successfully had his way with her 3 times. On the first
day, he lost 4 kilograms!
On the second day, the beautiful employee led him to an even larger room
where a naked blonde woman had a sign around her neck that read: "
Catch me and I'll play with you 5 times!"
Having had a pleasant experience the previous day, the overweight man naturally chased after her even harder
and, after a chase, successfully had his way with her 5 times. On the second day, he lost another 6
kilograms!
On the third day, the overweight man thought:
"No matter how alluring the women are today, I'm not running away!" Waiting for your refund,
hehehehe...
The beautiful employee took him to a small room today.
The fat man was wondering why they had changed to a small room
when he saw a female gorilla inside with a sign around her neck:
"If I catch you, I'll play with you 10 times!!!!"
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A black man was stranded in the desert for three days without water.
Just as he was about to die, he made three wishes to God:
first, that he could have clean water to drink every day in
his next life; second, that he could be white;
and third, that he could see women's buttocks every day.
God granted his wishes,
======> so in his next life he became a toilet!!!
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