Sex, Friendship, and Love—In Memory of My Best Friends and Lovers

We've been married for seven years. Although my wife and I have a good relationship, the passion between us has faded. While we haven't degenerated to the point of wanting to switch wives, the mundane life does remind me of many passionate moments we shared.

My parents gave me good looks, so I've never lacked women in my life, even now. But among these women, Xiaoxue is special.

When I met her, I was twenty-two, and she was twenty-one, both still in university. She gave me her first time in 1991. Although I already had a girlfriend at the time, she still silently loved me for many years, until a sudden event caused her to leave me forever. Perhaps leaving was the right thing to do, because now I'm an adult, and I believe our views on love have both changed. Looking back, this love contained guilt, gratitude, and regret.

My motivation for writing this true story isn't because of Xiaoxue, but because of my best boyfriend, the man I call Xiaolin. Although Xiaolin and I lived in the same city, a mistake I made has prevented me from facing him. For over a year, I've refused to contact him, even though the mistake was mine, even though I know his feelings for me haven't changed, and even though I really miss him. I don't know if we can ever be as carefree and happy as before.

Writing this story is to recall the feelings between Xiaolin, Xiaoxue, and me. Although what happened that night might seem normal and common now, in 1993, it was all quite absurd.

Ten years have passed, yet everything remains vivid in my mind, as if it were yesterday, often leaving me with a deep sense of melancholy. This is my first post on the coastline, my first attempt at writing, so please forgive any shortcomings.
March 1993. Spring in Jiangnan is beautiful, but cold and damp. Such nights are not suitable for sleeping outdoors. That day, Xiaoxue called me and told me she wanted to come see me the next day.

After graduation, Xiaoxue returned to her city, more than a hundred kilometers away from us. Thinking about it, it makes sense; in more than half a year, I had only visited her a few times under the guise of business trips, and she had never come to see me.

When I picked her up the next day, it was already past noon. After a winter, Xiaoxue had become even more beautiful, her skin even whiter. I gently put my arm around her waist and kissed her on the cheek. Xiaoxue's smile was sweet; I could tell she was very happy. I pinched her waist and noticed she seemed a bit heavier than before. So I teased her, "Xue, you've gotten fat! Don't you miss me?"

Xue made a face at me and said, "Yeah, what can I do? You're such a bad guy!"

Looking back on that feeling, I really don't think I did anything wrong. She loved me so much, and I loved her just as much. Although my girlfriend and I are now living together, thinking of Xue still fills my heart with sweetness. Xue is very obedient, unlike my girlfriend who's prone to tantrums. If this were ancient times, I think I would have married both of them.

Back then, staying in a hotel was unthinkable. Therefore, before Xue came, she told me she would stay at her classmate's house. I figured that was the only option. After having dinner with her, I had to go to work. Xiaoxue went to her classmate's workplace and gave me her classmate's phone number, asking me to contact her before I left work.

I couldn't concentrate at work that afternoon. On one hand, I was thinking about Xiaoxue's appearance and how to properly love her; on the other hand, I was also worried about what to do that evening. If Xiaoxue stayed at her classmate's house, wouldn't that be a waste of a good evening? But if she stayed out overnight like before, it would be too cold. This made me think of Xiaolin, my best friend.

Xiaolin started working before me and came from a well-off family; back then, he already had a very impressive BB phone. Xiaolin and I had been classmates since childhood, and we had a deep friendship of over ten years. Although he was handsome, his father was a retired cadre, so he was very strict and had never had a girlfriend; he was still a virgin. He knew everything about Xiaoxue and me. So I thought of asking him for help.

I paged Xiaolin from the public phone booth in the shop near my workplace, and he replied quickly. I asked him if he could find me a place to sleep for the night. Coincidentally, he said his aunt had just moved, and the old house was still empty, with all the furniture, but no key. He wasn't sure if he could help me, and told me to call him again at 8 pm while he went to his aunt's to think of a solution.

Xiaolin always helped me with anything. My family was poor then, and by the time I went to university, Xiaolin was already working, so he often bought me things and even gave me money. Although it was only ten or twenty yuan, back then when I was in college, my parents only gave me fifty yuan a month for living expenses. Therefore, besides friendship, I also felt gratitude towards him. It was this gratitude that led me to a vaguely absurd idea.

I casually lied and told my girlfriend I wouldn't be going home that night. After work, I picked up Xiaoxue and we went out for dinner. Then, we rode our bicycles to the park near Xiaolin's house. It was already past six o'clock, and there were very few people in the park; it was dark. I took Xiaoxue's hand and led her behind a secluded artificial hill. Days of pent-up desire made my heart race. Xiaoxue, as always, was very obedient. She knew what I wanted to do and remained silent.

Behind the artificial hill, we hugged each other tightly. I kissed her passionately, and she returned the kiss just as passionately. My hands kneaded her full breasts through her clothes, and I felt her trembling slightly in my arms, unsure whether it was excitement or nervousness. I asked her breathlessly, "Xiaoxue, did you miss me?"

Xiaoxue said with a hint of sadness, "Yes, I missed you so much." I knew she truly missed me, and I truly missed her too.

(At that time, because my girlfriend and I were already living together, all the letters she wrote to me were sent to Xiaolin's house and then forwarded to me by Xiaolin. I, too, often wrote dozens of pages of letters to express my longing for her. I think I'll never experience that kind of feeling again in this life. At least now, we use email; I'll never handwrite those dozens of pages of love letters again. How sad.)

Some words are superfluous; lust made my head spin. My cold hand reached inside Xiaoxue's clothes and pressed against her burning breasts. Her breasts were very full, but her nipples were small. I tried to pull up her clothes to kiss her breasts, but Xiaoxue said she was cold, so I didn't insist.

I unbuckled her belt, slipped one hand under her buttocks, and slid it down her buttocks from behind. Xiaoxue sucked on her abdomen, so I slipped my hand inside, reaching behind her to her vaginal opening, which was already quite wet. I gently stroked it, and Xiaoxue couldn't help but gasp. Hearing her gasps, I felt so happy. Because I love her, her happiness is my happiness.

But this position wasn't quite right, so I pulled it out a little and gently massaged her anus with my wet middle finger. Xiaoxue blushed and moaned softly, saying, "No." I smiled and moved my hand to the front.

Xiaoxue didn't have much pubic hair, but it was very soft. Her labia weren't large, they were shallow, so it was easy to find her vaginal opening. I felt that Xiaoxue's clitoris had become as elastic as candy, so I gently rubbed it with my fingers and occasionally inserted them into her vagina. Xiaoxue was panting and slowly leaned weakly against me, saying no. My fingers were also getting tired, and I was worried that she would catch a cold. Thinking that there was still one night left, I took my hand out and stopped.

(Often, lovers should understand one thing: your happiness is my happiness. Xiaoxue and I both understand this. I was Xiaoxue's first man. Her genitals were beautiful, a dazzling pink, and her breasts were equally beautiful—the pride of my life.

Now, I'm over thirty, and some of my lovers have also passed that age, no longer possessing that allure that captivates men. Therefore, the Xiaoxue of my youth is now a goddess in my eyes. But what I miss most is Xiaoxue's gentleness, thoughtfulness, and charm.)

My penis was already starting to throb painfully. Xiaoxue straightened her clothes and pressed herself tightly against my chest. My penis stood erect against her lower abdomen, rubbing painfully. Seeing that no one was around, I unzipped my pants and released my penis. Xiaoxue's icy hands gently squeezed my burning hot penis, carefully stroking it. I gently pressed on her shoulder, and Xiaoxue understood what I meant. Without saying anything, she squatted down.

This wasn't the first time Xiaoxue had done this for me. Before I officially deflowered her, she had helped me in this way under my guidance. Once, even in her dormitory, through a curtain, her classmates were doing their homework outside.

Xiaoxue's mouth was small, so my penis filled it completely. She gently sucked on my penis, stroking it with her small hand and licking the glans with her tongue.

Because we were in a park, I wanted to finish quickly. Also, because I seemed to sense something unusual might happen that night, I felt a mix of anger and excitement, a need to vent my frustrations, which made me somewhat violent. I grabbed her hair and, ignoring her protests, forcefully shoved my penis into her mouth.

I've always been a gentle man; I've never treated her like this before. She tried to protect herself by covering her mouth with her tongue, but without success. I still vividly remember that time when she looked up at me, a flicker of surprise in her eyes in the darkness. That fleeting look is so deeply etched in my mind that it makes me realize how vulnerable she was then, and how much I should love her for the rest of my life.

She was already kneeling on the ground, my penis piercing her throat. She felt like vomiting, gagged, and held it back. As I thrust in again, she grabbed her neck, trying to break free. But I was nearing ejaculation, so I held her down, preventing her from lifting herself.

She stopped resisting, enduring my roughness, and I softened slightly, pulling my penis out a little to let her catch her breath. She knew I was about to ejaculate, so she sucked on my penis tightly with her mouth, applying more pressure with her hands.

After thrusting forcefully and quickly in her mouth a few times, I bent over, forcing her forehead, which she was tilting forward, to press against my lower abdomen. I held her head tightly, forcing her to adjust its direction, and thrust my penis back into her throat, feeling the muscles there gently enveloping my glans. After lingering there for two or three seconds, just as she gagged, I pulled my penis out slightly.

The intense stimulation finally brought me to orgasm, and my semen gushed out, filling her mouth. She knelt there, spitting out the semen while painfully gagging. A deep sense of guilt washed over me. After a while, I pulled her up. She still felt like vomiting. I held her tightly and kissed her lips. There was a metallic taste, but I didn't care. At that moment, guilt overwhelmed me more than love.

Xiaoxue pushed me away, saying no. I saw tears welling up in her eyes. I didn't know if it was from choking or if I had hurt her. I held her tightly, repeatedly saying sorry and that I loved her. Xiaoxue didn't say anything, burying her face in my chest, trembling, and hugging me tightly in return.

(This was the first time in my life I had treated the woman I loved so roughly. Although I occasionally treated other women the same way later, it was the first time, and therefore left a very deep impression on me. I still clearly remember how I felt at that time.

Faced with Xiaolin's deep friendship, I had a thought that I wanted to take Xiaolin's virginity. Although this thought wasn't clear when I had Xiaoxue give me oral sex behind the rockery, it seemed that I had a vague fantasy about it. This fantasy...) Actually, there was no joy or excitement involved.

Xiaolin, acting as the middleman, had been passing on letters from Xiaoxue to me, so they were quite familiar with each other. At the time, we seemed like good friends, and I thought Xiaoxue might accept Xiaolin. But subconscious jealousy and heartache made me act roughly towards the woman I loved for the first time. Looking back now, that oral sex was really stimulating, but I also felt guilty.

It was almost eight o'clock, and Xiaoxue and I had calmed down. Xiaoxue became gentle and lively again, and I, feeling relaxed both physically and mentally, became very happy. It was getting colder, so I found a public phone booth and paged Xiaolin. He said he was already home and asked me to come over.

Xiaolin's house was nearby. I told Xiaoxue to wait for me at the door, and I went into Xiaolin's house alone. Xiao Lin smugly told me he'd gotten the key, saying they even had blankets and other bedding there, and warned me not to tell his dad, saying he'd secretly borrowed it from his cousin. I thought to myself, "Damn, am I crazy? Telling your dad?"

Xiao Lin found a pen and paper to give me the address, but I said, "No need, I don't know the way. Take me there."

Xiao Lin said it was late, and his dad would scold him. At that moment, I hesitated. On one hand, I didn't want him to go, but on the other hand, I wanted him to go. The thought of not letting him go only flashed through my mind. I don't know what came over me, but I smiled and said to him, "Brother, come with me. Don't come back tonight. I'm talking to you."

Xiao Lin was stunned for a moment, not quite understanding, and said, "Then where will I sleep tonight?"

At that moment, I suddenly felt a surge of pride, as if I were experiencing the pleasure of sharing something good with a friend, and blurted out, "Stay with us."

I think, for an adult but inexperienced man, nothing is more attractive than sex, especially in those days, it was not easy for a young man to have a sexual experience. Xiao Lin seemed a little confused and changed his mind, saying, "How about I take you there? But I need to come back early. Just tell my dad you need me and you're going out."

Because I was his best friend, and also a top student in our class, I had always been a good boy in his parents' eyes. Without much conversation, Xiaolin and I left his house.

Xiaoxue was also happy to see Xiaolin, as they had known each other since my university days, so we were all familiar with each other and didn't exchange many words. It was a little past eight when Xiaolin suddenly said, "A bar opened near my place called Blue Stone Bar. How about I treat you guys to a drink there? It's been so long since I've seen Xiaoxue."

Bars were a luxury back then. I had never been to one. Thinking that I still had plenty of time, I asked Xiaoxue what she thought. Xiaoxue, of course, had no objections, so we rode our bikes and followed Xiaolin to Blue Stone Bar.

That was my first time in a bar. Under the dim lights, everyone was chatting and laughing. Xiaolin and Xiaoxue seemed quite normal, but something was churning inside me. I often remained silent, just smiling and watching them.

Xiaoxue stayed close to me gently, while Xiaolin joked around, saying things he envied us. By around 10 PM, we had probably drunk eight or nine bottles of beer. I have a low alcohol tolerance and can't hold my liquor, while Xiaoxue's pale face was flushed. It was getting late, so Xiaolin ordered two packs of cigarettes, gave me one, and then paid the bill. We left the bar together, and Xiaolin took us to his aunt's house.

Xiaolin is always generous in front of me; treating me to meals is a common occurrence, even if the people he's with are only related to me and not him. He never lets me pay. I know he always tries to make me look good in front of my partner or other friends. But if I had only a vague idea about the absurd things that happened that night before it started, then the bottles of wine that Xiaolin bought really became the fuse that ignited it.

(II)

Xiaolin's aunt's house was on the ground floor along the street, a very old-fashioned house. Because they had moved, the curtains were gone, and the lighting was good. The streetlights shone through the windows, and the warm yellow light filled the room, creating a nice atmosphere.

There was a small courtyard outside the bedroom. Pushing open the wooden door, the cool, fresh air carried away some of the stale air, and I was very satisfied with this place. Because the whole street was being demolished, no one lived nearby, and the whole room was quiet, with only the occasional sound of cars or passersby.

Xiaoxue sat on the edge of the bed, lost in thought. Xiaolin was looking for a blanket, while I lit a cigarette and leaned against the doorway watching them. No one made a sound.

Xiaolin found two blankets, and Xiaoxue said, "I'll make the bed."

Xiaolin walked over to me, lit a cigarette, and we went into the courtyard.

We looked at each other for a moment. I smiled at him, and he seemed a little flustered, saying, "Brother, what are you laughing at?"

I hugged him and gently patted him on the back a few times, saying, "Brother, relax."

Xiaolin said, "It's getting late, I have to go back. You guys should get some rest."

I said, "Wait a bit, until I finish this cigarette."

At this moment, Xiaoxue came out and said, "What are you talking about?"

I said, "Nothing, we're just smoking."

Xiaoxue went back into the room without saying a word. After

we finished smoking, I patted Xiaolin on the shoulder and said, "Come on in." So we went into the room together and closed the door.

The alcohol started to take effect in my stomach, making me a little dizzy, but also very excited. Xiaolin said she had to leave, and I stood on the edge of the cliff once again.

My mind raced. In about a second, I said, "Stay."

I thought Xiaoxue wouldn't refuse, because in the two years we'd been together, she had become a woman who understood romance. Having sex with two men at the same time, one a lover and the other a friend, would make her happier. My intuition told me she wouldn't refuse, as long as I was willing.

I would never call Xiaoxue a bad woman, because: first, it was my idea; second, I think any mature woman, after letting go of the psychological burden of facing her lover, would accept this kind of pleasure. Was

I happy? No, I wasn't happy, I wasn't excited. When I asked Xiaolin to stay, Xiaoxue only showed a slightly surprised expression, her eyes widening for a moment, but she didn't say anything. A deep pang of bitterness flashed through my heart. I told myself, just this once, just this once. But this pang of jealousy quickly passed, disappearing without a trace under the dim light.

(Friendship cannot be indebted to each other. I've always owed Xiaolin a lot, so it's like giving my woman to my best friend to lose his virginity, seeking balance in the process. Friendship, oh friendship, looking back now, it was so absurd, but the affection deepened because of it. Since Xiaoxue will be happy, and Xiaolin will be happy, I'll do it.)

(The principle of love: Your happiness is my happiness. I think this is easy to say but difficult to do because it requires finding a balance between the two people, with the ultimate goal of both being happy. Men like novelty and excitement, and they find pleasure in trying new things. A woman who understands love won't always refuse; even if she feels uncomfortable, she will allow her man to try it occasionally, such as anal sex or oral sex. Many netizens often raise questions about these issues online.) I think if it's truly love, then anything is worth trying.

Two years ago, one night, I suddenly understood the principle that your happiness is my happiness. But ten years ago, I couldn't express it so clearly, though subconsciously I probably knew this principle.

Xiaolin said, "That's not a good idea, I'd better go back."

I said, "How about we flip a coin and see what fate has in store?"

I took out a five-cent coin and flipped it three times. It turned out that fate wanted Xiaolin to go back. Xiaoxue hadn't said anything, just sat on the edge of the bed, smiling at us. I felt a little awkward. Xiaolin said, "Then I'm leaving."

I said, "Wait a minute."

I flipped the coin too. At this point, what I wanted to do, and how Xiaoxue would react, was already understood without words. I thought there was no need to pretend anymore. What happened next was for me to break the silence. I gritted my teeth and said to Xiaoxue, "Xue, come here, let me hug you."

Xue stood up. I hugged her tightly, so tightly, as if we were about to part forever. Xue hugged me tightly and whispered in my ear, "No, don't." To this day, I still don't understand whether she meant she didn't want me to hug her anymore, or that she didn't want to play this game with Xiaolin anymore.

At the time, I thought she didn't want me to hug her anymore, so I let go of her and said to Xiaolin, "Come on, hug Xiaoxue. We've been friends for so long." I said to Xiaoxue, "Xue, Xiaolin has helped us so much, consider it a way of thanking him."

Neither Xiaolin nor Xiaoxue moved. Xiaoxue lowered her head, looking helpless. Perhaps it was the alcohol, but I felt very smug. I felt like none of them were as bad as me; I was the worst one. This gave me some comfort, at least it made me feel that this was my arrangement, my coercion, not their own choice, even though they would definitely be happy too. But your happiness is my happiness, your happiness is also my happiness. Haha.

I hugged Xiaoxue again, then pulled her over, then pulled Xiaolin over, and they naturally hugged each other, motionless. I softly said to them, "I'm at the door," and then went out into the small courtyard. I lit

a cigarette and took a few puffs. I thought it might take a long time, so I should get a stool to sit on, and pushed open the door to go in. I didn't expect it to happen so quickly; they were already on the bed, but they hadn't taken off their clothes, just kissing on the bed. Startled by my entrance, I said, "It's alright, I'll get a chair."

Passion quickly escalated between them. Xiaolin kissed Xiaoxue passionately. Xiaoxue, perhaps because her desire from the park hadn't been released, returned his kiss with equal fervor. They started treating me like I was dead, while I sat by the door, the door open, smoking, glancing at them occasionally.

Clothes were thrown out one by one, and blankets were laid on them. Xiaolin didn't engage in any foreplay, didn't kiss Xiaoxue's breasts or vagina, and began trying to penetrate. He seemed unable to find the entrance. I heard Xiaoxue say, "Let me help you."

I turned away, trembling in the chair. Finally, it began, and I felt an indescribable sadness and pain. I kept berating myself: "What am I? How could I do such a thing? How could I do such a thing?" My hand holding the cigarette trembled as I took a deep drag, filled with unspeakable remorse.

After a while, I heard Xiaolin say, "I'm sorry."

Then I heard Xiaoxue say, "It's okay, relax."

Looking over again, the two of them were motionless. Xiaolin was on top of Xiaoxue. "So fast? Ha, just like the first time." I chuckled inwardly, my mind calming down considerably.

Soon, they started again. Being young, they recovered quickly. This time, they lasted much longer. Xiaolin moved up and down on Xiaoxue, the blanket rippling with the movement. Xiaoxue moaned softly, but Xiaolin remained silent, mechanically continuing his actions.

If it were today, I think I would have already reached my climax. But at that moment, the concept didn't even cross my mind. My thoughts were numb; I just watched them quietly, without excitement or self-reproach. Soon after, Xiaolin couldn't hold back any longer. He moved a few times forcefully and ejaculated. It seemed he didn't ejaculate inside, and then he shakily tried to find his clothes.

I stood up and went into the courtyard to avoid the awkward scene. A moment later, Xiaolin came out, looking very shy, and said to me, "Brother, sorry, I have to go now." He hugged me. Silence is golden. I nodded, put out my cigarette, and saw him out.

By the time I got into bed, I felt incredibly good. The self-reproach, bitterness, and pain from before were all forgotten. I felt relaxed; the friendship no longer felt heavy, and so did my feelings for Xiaoxue. Being lovers is painful, especially when you're young. When love is involved between lovers, I always felt guilty towards Xiaoxue. But now it's better; I suddenly feel very happy.

The bed was warm, and Xue was naked. After I took off my clothes, I turned to my side and hugged her; she nestled in my arms. I gently asked her, "How was he?"

Xue pinched my back and said, "You still dare to ask?"

I laughed, pulled her away, looked at her face, and said, "He didn't ejaculate inside you, did he?"

"No, it's all on my legs," Xue said, looking up at me with watery, tender eyes.

I sighed softly and pressed Xue down beneath me, not kissing her lips, but instead kissing my way down to her breasts. I took her breast in my mouth, gently teasing her nipples with my tongue. Xue's moans immediately reached my ears. This time, there was no restraint, only unrestrained passion. I knew Xiaolin hadn't satisfied her; now it was my turn. I became unusually excited, my penis instantly erect.

Naturally, I kissed her vagina again. It was wet there, and I hesitated. My friend had just touched it, and I was a little dizzy. But the power of desire is boundless; your happiness is my happiness. I ignored everything else and took her vagina into my mouth. Xiaoxue said, "No more," trying to pull me up.

This only fueled my passion. I licked her hard, feeling her juices flowing endlessly.

The world seemed to return to calm, with only two yearning souls wandering in this early spring night. I sat on Xue's face, letting her lick my penis. She tried hard to take it in, attempting to hold it completely. In the park, she had been forced by me, but now, she strained to lift her head, looking at me, wanting to swallow my penis.

I knew she was moved; she wanted to make me happy. I carefully and slowly inserted my penis into her mouth, until it reached her throat. She still gagged, but signaled for me to continue. After a few repetitions, I felt satisfied. Although her mouth was small, and I couldn't fully insert my penis, the feeling of being deeply enveloped against her throat was wonderful.

I parted her legs and gently moved inside her wet vagina. Her legs were wrapped around my waist, and she moaned and panted. There were a couple of cool spots on the blanket; I thought it was probably Xiaolin's semen. I avoided those spots and began to fuck her wildly.

We changed positions, and I constantly controlled myself, not letting myself ejaculate too early. When Xiaoxue reached her climax, her vagina intermittently gripped my penis, which made me very happy. We never used contraception; I always ejaculated on her body or in her mouth. I'd gotten my girlfriend pregnant twice before using the same method, but Xiaoxue had never gotten pregnant. This made me somewhat glad that

I ejaculated on her the first time—very traditional. The second time, I got a little crazy. I took off the blanket, made her lie face down on the bed, and penetrated her vagina from behind. My penis got harder with each thrust, and I could feel the pleasure of hitting her uterus. The impact on her uterus made my glans a little uncomfortable, and Xiaoxue had said before that it wasn't very comfortable, but that night I didn't care. Finally, I had her lie on the edge of the bed, and I stood on the floor, thrusting into her forcefully, finally ejaculating into her mouth.

That night, I made love to Xiaoxue three times. I remember clearly that I used every method I could imagine to make love to her, from side-lying to rear-entry. The third time, she didn't experience much physical pleasure, but we were both happy, emotionally and mentally. It's a pity I didn't know about anal sex or dragon drilling back then, otherwise I definitely would have tried them. Heh.

Describing these sexual encounters is just to fulfill the requirements of my post on Qinghai. Please forgive any shortcomings.

The next morning, around eight o'clock, before we even got out of bed, Xiaolin knocked on the door again. I was surprised he wasn't at work. Thinking about it now, he probably wanted to do it again. But I didn't realize it at the time. I told him to wait outside, and Xue and I got dressed, and we all left Lin's aunt's house together.

The sunshine outside was so nice. The three of us were very happy together. I felt really relaxed. Facing Xiaolin's friendship and Xiaoxue's love, I no longer felt guilty.

Xiaoxue walked in the middle, with Xiaolin and me on either side of her, our arms around her waist, chatting and laughing, as we went to have breakfast. Passersby on the street looked at us in surprise. We didn't think much of it.

After dinner, I took Xiaoxue back to the station, and Xiaolin went to work. That was the end of an old story.

March 1993. Spring in Jiangnan is beautiful, but cold and damp. Such nights are not suitable for sleeping outdoors. That day, Xiaoxue called me and told me she wanted to come see me the next day.

After graduation, Xiaoxue returned to her city, more than 100 kilometers away from us. Thinking about it, it made sense; in more than half a year, only I had visited her a few times under the guise of business trips, and she hadn't come to see me even once.

When I picked her up the next day, it was already past noon. After a winter, Xiaoxue had become even more beautiful, her skin even whiter. I gently hugged her waist and kissed her cheek. Xiaoxue's smile was sweet; I could tell she was happy. I pinched her waist and noticed she seemed to have gained weight. So I teased her, saying, "Xue, you've gotten so fat! Don't you miss me?"

Xue made a face at me and said, "Yeah, what can I do? You're such a bad guy!"

Looking back on that feeling, I really don't think I did anything wrong. She loved me so much, and I loved her just as much. Although my girlfriend and I are already living together, thinking of Xiaoxue still fills my heart with sweetness. Xiaoxue is very obedient, unlike my girlfriend who is prone to tantrums. If this were ancient times, I think I would marry both of them at the same time.

Back then, staying in a hotel was unimaginable. Therefore, before Xiaoxue came, she told me that she would stay at her classmate's house. I figured that was the only way. After having a meal with her, I had to go to work, so Xiaoxue went to her classmate's workplace and gave me her classmate's phone number, asking me to contact her before I got off work.

I couldn't concentrate on work at all in the afternoon. On one hand, I was thinking about Xiaoxue's appearance and how to properly love her one last time; on the other hand, I was also worried about what to do that evening. If Xiaoxue stayed at her classmate's house, wouldn't that be a waste of a good evening? But if she stayed out overnight like before, it would be too cold. This made me think of Xiaolin, my best friend.

Xiaolin started working before me, and his family was well-off; he already had a very impressive BB phone back then. Xiaolin and I had been classmates since childhood, and we had a deep friendship of over ten years. Although he was also very handsome, because his father was a retired cadre, he had a very strict upbringing and had never had a girlfriend; he was still a virgin. He knew everything about Xiaoxue and me. So I thought of asking him for help.

I paged Xiaolin from the public phone booth in the shop near my workplace, and he replied quickly. I asked him if he could find me a place to sleep for the night. Coincidentally, he said his aunt had just moved, and the old house was still empty, all the furniture was there, but he didn't have the key. He wasn't sure if he could help, and told me to call him again at 8 pm while he went to his aunt's to think of a solution.

Xiaolin was always there for me. My family was poor back then, and Xiaolin was already working when I went to university, so he often bought me things and even gave me money. Although it was only ten or twenty yuan, my parents only gave me fifty yuan a month for living expenses while I was in university. Therefore, besides friendship, I also felt gratitude towards him. It was this gratitude that led me to a vaguely absurd idea.

I casually lied and told my girlfriend I wouldn't be going home that night. After work, I picked up Xiaoxue and we went out for dinner. Then, I rode my bicycle to the park near Xiaolin's house. It was already past six o'clock, and there were very few people in the park; it was dark. I took Xiaoxue's hand and led her behind a secluded artificial hill. Days of pent-up desire made my heart race. Xiaoxue was as obedient as ever. She knew what I wanted to do and remained silent.

Behind the artificial hill, we hugged each other tightly. I kissed her passionately, and she returned my kisses just as passionately. My hands kneaded her full breasts through her clothes, and I felt her trembling slightly in my arms; I couldn't tell if it was excitement or nervousness. I asked her breathlessly, "Xiaoxue, do you miss me?"

Xiaoxue replied with a touch of sadness, "Yes, I miss you so much." I knew she truly missed me, and I truly missed her too.

(At that time, because my girlfriend and I were already living together, all the letters she wrote to me were sent to Xiaolin's house and then forwarded to me by Xiaolin. And I did the same, often writing dozens of pages of letters to express my longing for her. I think I will never experience that kind of feeling again in this life. At least, now we use email, and I will never handwrite those dozens of pages of love letters again. How sad.)

Some words were superfluous; lust made my head spin. My cold hand slipped inside Xiaoxue's clothes, pressing against her burning breasts. Her breasts were very full, but her nipples were small. I tried to pull up her clothes to kiss her breasts, but Xiaoxue said she was cold, so I gave up.

I unbuckled her belt and slipped one hand under her buttocks, sliding it down her cleft from behind. Xiaoxue sucked in her stomach, so my whole hand slipped inside, reaching her vaginal opening from behind, where it was already quite wet. I gently caressed her there, and Xiaoxue couldn't help but gasp. Hearing her gasps, I felt so happy. Because I loved her, her happiness was my happiness.

But this position wasn't comfortable, so I pulled it out a little and gently massaged her anus with my wet middle finger. Xiaoxue moaned shyly and said, "No." I smiled and moved my hand forward.

Xiaoxue didn't have much pubic hair, but it was very soft. Her labia weren't large and were shallow, so it was easy to find her vaginal opening. I felt that Xiaoxue's clitoris had become as elastic as candy, so I gently rubbed it with my finger and occasionally inserted it into her vagina. Xiaoxue was panting and slowly leaned weakly against me, saying no. My fingers were also a little tired, and I was worried that she would catch a cold. Thinking that there was still one night left, I took my hand out and stopped.

(Often, lovers should understand one thing: your happiness is my happiness. Xiaoxue and I both understand this. I was Xiaoxue's first man. Her genitals were beautiful, a dazzling pink, and she also had beautiful breasts, both of which are my pride in this life.

Now, I'm over thirty, and some of my lovers have also passed this age, no longer possessing that allure that captivates men. Therefore, the Xiaoxue of my youth is now a goddess in my eyes. But what I miss most is Xiaoxue's gentleness, thoughtfulness, and charm.)

My little brother was starting to swell and ache. Xiaoxue straightened her clothes and pressed herself tightly against my chest. My penis stood erect against her lower abdomen, rubbing painfully. Seeing that no one was around, I unzipped my pants and exposed my penis. Xiaoxue's cool hands gently squeezed my burning hot penis, carefully stroking it. I gently pressed on her shoulder, and Xiaoxue understood. Without saying anything, she knelt down.

This wasn't the first time Xiaoxue had done this to me. Before I officially deflowered her, she had helped me in this way under my instruction. Once, even in her dormitory, through a curtain, her classmates were doing their homework outside.

Xiaoxue's mouth was small, so my penis filled it completely. She gently sucked on my penis, stroking it with one hand and licking the glans with her tongue.

Because we were in the park, I wanted to finish quickly. Furthermore, I seemed to sense something unusual might happen that night. I felt a mix of anger and excitement, a need to vent my frustrations, which made me somewhat violent. I grabbed her hair and, ignoring her protests, forcefully shoved my penis into her mouth.

I've always been a gentle man; I've never treated her like this before. She tried to cover her mouth with her tongue, but failed. I still vividly remember that she looked up at me then, a flicker of surprise in her eyes in the darkness. That fleeting look is so deeply etched in my mind that it makes me realize how vulnerable she was then, and how much I should love her for the rest of my life.

She was kneeling on the ground, my penis piercing her throat. She felt like vomiting, gagged, and then held it back. As I thrust in again, she grabbed her neck, trying to break free. But I was nearing ejaculation, so I held her down, preventing her from lifting herself.

She stopped resisting, enduring my roughness, and I softened slightly, pulling my penis out a little to let her catch her breath. She knew I was about to ejaculate, so she sucked my penis tightly with her mouth, applying more pressure with her hands.

After thrusting forcefully and quickly in her mouth a few times, I bent over, letting her forehead, which she was tilting forward, press against my lower abdomen. I held her head tightly, forcing her to adjust its direction, and thrust my penis back into her throat, feeling the muscles there gently enveloping my glans. After lingering there for two or three seconds, just as she gagged, I pulled my penis out a little.

The intense stimulation finally brought me to orgasm, and my semen gushed out, covering her mouth. She knelt there, spitting out the semen while painfully dry heaving. A deep sense of guilt washed over me. After a while, I pulled her up; she was still nauseous. I held her tightly and kissed her lips. There was a metallic taste, but I didn't care. At that moment, the guilt outweighed my love for her.

Xiaoxue pushed me away, saying no. I saw tears welling up in her eyes. I didn't know if it was from choking or from hurting her feelings. I held her tightly, repeatedly saying sorry and that I loved her. Xiaoxue didn't say anything, burying her face in my chest, trembling, and hugging me tightly.

(This was the first time in my life I had treated the woman I loved so roughly. Although I occasionally treated other women like that later, because it was the first time, it left a very deep impression on me. I still clearly remember how I felt at that time.

Faced with Xiaolin's deep friendship, I had a thought of wanting Xiaolin to lose her virginity. Although this thought wasn't clear when Xiaoxue and I were behind the rockery and I had her give me oral sex, it seemed like I had a vague fantasy. This fantasy...) Actually, there was no joy or excitement involved.

Xiaolin, acting as the middleman, had been passing on letters from Xiaoxue to me, so they were quite familiar with each other. At the time, we seemed like good friends, and I thought Xiaoxue might accept Xiaolin. But subconscious jealousy and heartache made me act roughly towards the woman I loved for the first time. Looking back now, that oral sex was really stimulating, but I also felt guilty.

It was almost eight o'clock, and Xiaoxue and I had calmed down. Xiaoxue became gentle and lively again, and I, feeling relaxed both physically and mentally, became very happy. It was getting colder, so I found a public phone booth and paged Xiaolin. He said he was already home and asked me to come over.

Xiaolin's house was nearby. I told Xiaoxue to wait for me at the door, and I went into Xiaolin's house alone. Xiao Lin smugly told me he'd gotten the key, saying they even had blankets and other bedding there, and warned me not to tell his dad, saying he'd secretly borrowed it from his cousin. I thought to myself, "Damn, am I crazy? Telling your dad?"

Xiao Lin found a pen and paper to give me the address, but I said, "No need, I don't know the way. Take me there."

Xiao Lin said it was late, and his dad would scold him. At that moment, I hesitated. On one hand, I didn't want him to go, but on the other hand, I wanted him to go. The thought of not letting him go only flashed through my mind. I don't know what came over me, but I smiled and said to him, "Brother, come with me. Don't come back tonight. I'm talking to you."

Xiao Lin was stunned for a moment, not quite understanding, and said, "Then where will I sleep tonight?"

At that moment, I suddenly felt a surge of pride, as if I were experiencing the pleasure of sharing something good with a friend, and blurted out, "Stay with us."

I think, for an adult but inexperienced man, nothing is more attractive than sex, especially in those days, it was not easy for a young man to have a sexual experience. Xiao Lin seemed a little confused and changed his mind, saying, "How about I take you there? But I need to come back early. Just tell my dad you need me and you're going out."

Because I was his best friend, and also a top student in our class, I had always been a good boy in his parents' eyes. Without much conversation, I walked out of Xiaolin's house with him.

Xiaoxue was also happy to see Xiaolin, as they had known each other since I was in college, so they were familiar with each other and didn't exchange many words. It was a little past eight o'clock when Xiaolin suddenly said, "A bar opened near my place called Blue Stone Bar. How about I treat you guys to a drink? It's been so long since I've seen Xiaoxue."

Bars were a luxury back then. I had never been to one. Thinking that I still had plenty of time, I asked Xiaoxue what she thought. Xiaoxue, of course, had no objections, so we rode our bikes and followed Xiaolin to Blue Stone Bar.

That was my first time in a bar. Under the dim lights, everyone chatted and laughed. Xiaolin and Xiaoxue seemed quite normal, but something was churning inside me. I often remained silent, just smiling and watching them.

Xiaoxue stayed close to me gently, while Xiaolin joked around, saying things he envied us. By around 10 PM, we had probably drunk eight or nine bottles of beer. I have a low alcohol tolerance and can't hold my liquor, while Xiaoxue's pale face was flushed. It was getting late, so Xiaolin ordered two packs of cigarettes, gave me one, and then paid the bill. We left the bar together, and Xiaolin took us to his aunt's house.

Xiaolin is always generous in front of me; treating me to meals is a common occurrence, even if the people he's with are only related to me and not him. He never lets me pay. I know he always tries to make me look good in front of my partner or other friends. But if I had only a vague idea about the absurd things that happened that night before it started, then the bottles of wine that Xiaolin bought really became the fuse that ignited it.

(II)

Xiaolin's aunt's house was on the ground floor along the street, a very old-fashioned house. Because they had moved, the curtains were gone, and the lighting was good. The streetlights shone through the windows, and the warm yellow light filled the room, creating a nice atmosphere.

There was a small courtyard outside the bedroom. Pushing open the wooden door, the cool, fresh air carried away some of the stale air, and I was very satisfied with this place. Because the whole street was being demolished, no one lived nearby, and the whole room was quiet, with only the occasional sound of cars or passersby.

Xiaoxue sat on the edge of the bed, lost in thought. Xiaolin was looking for blankets, while I lit a cigarette and leaned against the doorway watching them. No one made a sound.

Xiaolin found two blankets, and Xiaoxue said, "I'll make the bed."

Xiaolin walked over to me, lit a cigarette, and we went into the courtyard.

We looked at each other for a moment. I smiled at him, and he seemed a little flustered, saying, "Brother, what are you laughing at?"

I hugged him and gently patted him on the back a few times, saying, "Brother, relax."

Xiaolin said, "It's getting late, I have to go back. You guys should get some rest."

I said, "Wait a bit, until I finish this cigarette."

At this moment, Xiaoxue came out and said, "What are you talking about?"

I said, "Nothing, we're just smoking."

Xiaoxue went back into the room without saying a word.

After finishing my cigarette, I patted Xiaolin on the shoulder and said, "Come on in." We went into the room together and closed the door.

The alcohol started to take effect in my stomach; I felt a little dizzy, but also very excited. Xiaolin said she had to leave, and I stood on the edge of the cliff once again.

My mind raced. In about a second, I said, "Stay."

I thought Xiaoxue wouldn't refuse, because in the two years we'd been together, she had become a woman who understood romance. Having sex with two men at the same time, one a lover and the other a friend, would make her even happier. My intuition told me she wouldn't refuse, as long as I was willing.

I would never call Xiaoxue a bad woman because: first, it was my idea; second, I think any mature woman, after letting go of the psychological burden of facing her lover, would accept this kind of pleasure.

Am I happy? No, I'm not happy, I'm not excited. When I asked Xiaolin to stay, Xiaoxue only looked slightly surprised, her eyes widening for a moment, but she didn't say anything. A deep pang of bitterness flashed through my heart. I told myself, just this once, just this once. But this pang of jealousy quickly passed, disappearing without a trace under the dim light.

(Friendship cannot be indebted to each other. I've always owed Xiaolin a lot, so it's like giving my woman to my best friend to lose his virginity, seeking balance in the process. Friendship, oh friendship, looking back now, it was too absurd, but the affection deepened because of it. Since Xiaoxue will be happy, Xiaolin will be happy, I'll do it.)

(The principle of love: Your happiness is my happiness. I think this is easy to say but difficult to do because it requires finding a balance between the two people, with the ultimate goal of both being happy. Men like novelty and excitement, and they find pleasure in trying new things. A woman who understands love won't always refuse; even if she feels uncomfortable, she will allow her man to try it occasionally, such as anal sex or oral sex. Many netizens often raise questions about these issues online.) I think if it's truly love, then anything is worth trying.

Two years ago, one night, I suddenly understood the principle that your happiness is my happiness. But ten years ago, I couldn't express it so clearly, though subconsciously I probably knew this principle.

Xiaolin said, "That's not a good idea, I'd better go back."

I said, "How about we flip a coin and see what fate has in store?"

I took out a five-cent coin and flipped it three times. It turned out that fate wanted Xiaolin to go back. Xiaoxue hadn't said anything, just sat on the edge of the bed, smiling at us. I felt a little awkward. Xiaolin said, "Then I'm leaving."

I said, "Wait a minute."

I flipped the coin too. At this point, what I wanted to do, and how Xiaoxue would react, was already understood without words. I thought there was no need to pretend anymore. What happened next was for me to break the silence. I gritted my teeth and said to Xiaoxue, "Xue, come here, let me hug you."

Xue stood up. I hugged her tightly, so tightly, as if we were about to part forever. Xue hugged me tightly and whispered in my ear, "No, don't." To this day, I still don't understand whether she meant she didn't want me to hug her anymore, or that she didn't want to play this game with Xiaolin anymore.

At the time, I thought she didn't want me to hug her anymore, so I let go of her and said to Xiaolin, "Come on, hug Xiaoxue. We've been friends for so long." I said to Xiaoxue, "Xue, Xiaolin has helped us so much, consider it a way of thanking him."

Neither Xiaolin nor Xiaoxue moved. Xiaoxue lowered her head, looking helpless. Perhaps it was the alcohol, but I felt very smug. I felt like none of them were as bad as me; I was the worst one. This gave me some comfort, at least it made me feel that this was my arrangement, my coercion, not their own choice, even though they would definitely be happy too. But your happiness is my happiness, your happiness is also my happiness. Haha.

I hugged Xiaoxue again, then pulled her over, then pulled Xiaolin over, and they naturally hugged each other, motionless. I softly said to them, "I'm at the door," and then went out into the small courtyard. I lit

a cigarette and took a few puffs. I thought it might take a long time, so I should get a stool to sit on, and pushed open the door to go in. I didn't expect it to happen so quickly; they were already on the bed, but they hadn't taken off their clothes, just kissing on the bed. Startled by my entrance, I said, "It's alright, I'll get a chair."

Passion quickly escalated between them. Xiaolin kissed Xiaoxue passionately. Xiaoxue, perhaps because her desire from the park hadn't been released, returned his kiss with equal fervor. They started treating me like I was dead, while I sat by the door, open, smoking, glancing at them occasionally.

Clothes were thrown out one by one, and a blanket was laid over them. Xiaolin didn't engage in any foreplay, didn't kiss Xiaoxue's breasts or genitals, and began trying to penetrate. He seemed unable to find the entrance, and I heard Xiaoxue say, "Let me help you."

I turned away and sat trembling in the chair. It finally began, and I felt an indescribable sadness and pain. I kept berating myself: "What are you? How could you do this? How could you do this?" My hand holding the cigarette trembled as I took deep drags, filled with unspeakable remorse.

After a while, I heard Xiaolin say, "I'm sorry."

Then I heard Xiaoxue say, "It's okay, relax."

Looking over, the two of them were motionless. Xiaolin was on top of Xiaoxue. "So fast? Ha, just like my first time." I chuckled inwardly, my mind calming down considerably.

A little while later, they started again. Being young, he recovered quickly. This time they lasted much longer. Xiaolin moved up and down on Xiaoxue's body, the blanket rippling with the movement. Xiaoxue moaned softly, but Xiaolin remained silent, mechanically continuing his actions.

If it were today, I think I would have already reached my limit. But at that moment, that concept didn't even cross my mind. My thoughts were numb; I just watched them quietly, without excitement or guilt. Soon, Xiaolin couldn't hold back any longer. He moved a few times forcefully and ejaculated. It seemed he didn't ejaculate inside, and then he shakily tried to find his clothes.

I stood up and went to the courtyard to avoid this awkward scene. After a while, Xiaolin came out, looking very shy, and said to me, "Brother, sorry, I have to go now." He hugged me. Silence is golden. I nodded, put out my cigarette, and saw him out.

By the time I got into bed, my mood had become incredibly good. All the self-blame, bitterness, and pain from before were left behind. I felt relaxed; friendship no longer felt heavy, and so did my feelings for Xiaoxue. Being a lover is painful, especially when you're young. When love is involved between lovers, I always felt guilty towards Xiaoxue. But now it's okay; I suddenly feel very happy.

The bed was warm, and Xue was naked. After I took off my clothes, I turned to my side and hugged her; she nestled in my arms. I gently asked her, "How was he?"

Xue pinched my back and said, "You still dare to say that?"

I laughed, pulled her away, looked at her face, and said, "He didn't ejaculate inside you, did he?"

"No, it was all on my legs," Xue said, looking up at me with watery eyes full of tenderness.

I sighed softly, pinning Xue down beneath me. Instead of kissing her lips, I kissed my way down to her breasts. I took her breast in my mouth, gently teasing her nipples with my tongue. Xue's moans immediately reached my ears. This time, there was no restraint, only unbridled passion. I knew Xiaolin hadn't satisfied her; now it was my turn. I became unusually excited, my penis instantly erect.

Naturally, I kissed her vagina again. It was wet there, and I hesitated. My friend had just touched it, and I was a little dizzy. But the power of desire is boundless; her pleasure was my pleasure. I ignored everything else and took her vagina into my mouth. Xue said, "No more," trying to pull me up.

This only fueled my passion. I licked her hard, feeling her juices flowing endlessly from there.

The world seemed to return to calm, with only two yearning souls wandering in this early spring night. I sat on Xue's face, letting her lick my penis. She tried hard to take it in, attempting to hold it completely. In the park, she had been forced by me, but now, she strained to lift her head, looking at me, wanting to swallow my penis.

I knew she was moved; she wanted to make me happy. I carefully and slowly inserted my penis into her mouth, all the way to her throat. Although she still gagged, she gestured for me to continue. After a few repetitions, I felt satisfied. Although her mouth was small, and I couldn't fully insert my penis, the feeling of being deeply enveloped against her throat was wonderful.

I parted her legs and gently moved inside her wet vagina. Her legs were wrapped around my waist, and she moaned and panted. There were a couple of cool spots on the blanket; I thought it was probably Xiaolin's semen. I avoided those spots and began to fuck her wildly.

We changed positions, and I constantly controlled myself, not letting myself ejaculate too early. When Xiaoxue reached her climax, her vagina intermittently gripped my penis, which made me very happy. We never used contraception; I always ejaculated on her body or in her mouth. I'd gotten my girlfriend pregnant twice before using the same method, but Xiaoxue had never gotten pregnant. This made me somewhat glad that

I ejaculated on her the first time—very traditional. The second time, I got a little crazy. I took off the blanket, made her lie face down on the bed, and penetrated her vagina from behind. My penis got harder with each thrust, and I could feel the pleasure of hitting her uterus. The impact on her uterus made my glans a little uncomfortable, and Xiaoxue had said before that it wasn't very comfortable, but that night I didn't care. Finally, I had her lie on the edge of the bed, and I stood on the floor, thrusting into her forcefully, finally ejaculating into her mouth.

That night, I made love to Xiaoxue three times. I remember clearly that I used every method I could imagine to make love to her, from side-lying to rear-entry. The third time, she didn't experience much physical pleasure, but we were both happy, emotionally and mentally. It's a pity I didn't know about anal sex or dragon drilling back then, otherwise I definitely would have tried them. Heh.

Describing these sexual encounters is just to fulfill the requirements of my post on Qinghai. Please forgive any shortcomings.

The next morning, around eight o'clock, before we even got out of bed, Xiaolin knocked on the door again. I was surprised he wasn't at work. Thinking about it now, he probably wanted to do it again. But I didn't realize it at the time. I told him to wait outside, and Xue and I got dressed, and we all left Lin's aunt's house together.

The sunshine outside was so nice. The three of us were very happy together. I felt really relaxed. Facing Xiaolin's friendship and Xiaoxue's love, I no longer felt guilty.

Xiaoxue walked in the middle, with Xiaolin and me on either side of her, our arms around her waist, chatting and laughing, as we went to have breakfast. Passersby on the street looked at us in surprise. We didn't dwell on it.

After dinner, I took Xiaoxue back to the station, and Xiaolin went to work. That was the end of that story.

********** ... Yesterday, a woman I really like asked me, "If it were your girlfriend, would you do that?" I thought about it carefully and said, "No." A threesome is inherently risky, and the psychological impact of experiencing it for the first time is enormous, especially if the woman is someone you're planning to spend your life with. It's best not to take that risk. But times have changed, and so have attitudes. Faced with a mundane life, no one can guarantee that they won't try it again, purely for excitement, but it's best to avoid involving friendship or love. "Your happiness is my happiness"—that's difficult.

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Sex, Friendship, and Love—In Memory of My Best Friends and Lovers

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