After ten years of indulging in pleasure quarters, he fell in love with a prostitute, treating her with kindness but neglecting himself...

Having lingered on forums for so long, and always been a freeloader (I hardly even download videos anymore), this is my first post, and it's a personal venting session about my feelings—I'm a little embarrassed, haha. I wonder if anyone will read this. Let

me tell you about myself first. I'm in my thirties. I was quite handsome in college, but now I'm losing my hair and have become an average middle-aged man (thankfully, I'm still in good shape, no belly, and not greasy). I'm not exactly rich, but I own a car (around 100,000 RMB for commuting) and houses (one for myself and one for my parents). I'm married with kids.

I've been in the sex industry for ten years. I wouldn't say I'm worldly-wise, but I've tried most types of sex. Because of my job, I travel a lot and have been to over a dozen major and medium-sized cities. I've gone from small street shops to saunas, KTVs, nightclubs, private clubs, and even part-time escort services…

Up to now, I've gone from spending tens of yuan per session to tens of thousands. I've tried everything: drinking games, double penetration, full-service baths, brothels, and even SM without condoms. I've spent a considerable amount of money every year; I haven't kept a detailed count, but it's been several hundred thousand yuan. I wouldn't dare compare myself to the wealthy, but I'd say I've seen and experienced it all. I

've had various relationships, both paid for and casual, and I've probably slept with 200-300 people (if any of you think I'm exaggerating, then let's not talk about it; you can fool others, but you can't fool yourself, it's pointless).

I don't know why, but starting this year, I've become increasingly less sexually active and more frustrated (it might also be related to my career setbacks), and I'm losing interest in going out. I don't want to drink anymore, I don't want to sing anymore, I don't want to go to parties anymore. In short, I feel increasingly empty inside. Coupled with work not going well, I'm slowly starting to feel mildly depressed. Sigh, people...

Due to work reasons, I went to a city called A in another city (the exact location doesn't matter, listen to the story). This is a branch office, and I'm usually all alone. Apart from drinking with colleagues, I'm really bored. I have nothing to do every night. I've gone out and looked for prostitutes twice, but it's really pointless. Plus, after the crackdown, there are basically no decent places here, and I don't have the motivation to look for any.

After a month, one day in May (2019, which is this year), I was scrolling through my WeChat contacts when I suddenly remembered a girl I had met in City B. I had contacted her several times back then and liked her quite a bit, so I messaged her for a casual chat. Since we hadn't been in touch for a long time, I wasn't sure if she had deleted me. When I asked, I was surprised to find that she was still online (I had messaged several people, but no one replied or deleted me; only she did). We chatted, and I learned that she no longer worked at the club and now did odd jobs occasionally. We chatted a bit that evening, and unexpectedly, she wanted to come see me (she was willing to spend two days with me, and I only asked for 3,000 yuan).

Here's a little background on her: I met her at the club in 2015. At that time, I often traveled there for business and visited her four times on and off (her price was 1,300 yuan per visit back then). We met up twice after that. After 2016, I didn't go there much, and we basically had no contact. We chatted a bit during the Chinese New Year in 2018, and I sent her a 200 yuan red envelope. There was nothing else since then.

She said she'd pay me 3000 to come and keep me company, which was a really good price, and she even paid for her own travel expenses, which touched me. She came for two days; I was at work during the day, and she rested at the hotel

. She would keep me company when I came back at noon and in the evening, and she didn't go anywhere else. I gave her 4000 when she left. After that, she came again in May. In June, something happened in her family; her father was hospitalized, and I gave her 2000. We didn't see each other for a month, but starting in July, we started contacting each other more and more frequently, exchanging more and more messages. She even said she wanted to take her to the grasslands (but she laughed it off, saying she wouldn't travel with people she didn't know well). In August, she suggested coming to stay for ten days to half a month, but I made it clear that I couldn't give her much money for that long. She said she wanted to come, and I was happy that she did, but then something went wrong. Because she missed her bus and it was very hot, she said she didn't want to come anymore. I was a little anxious at the time, and maybe I said a bit too much. She cried on the phone. After hanging up, I felt really bad for her and felt sorry for her.

After thinking about it, I went to City B to find her that night, thinking she would be happy to apologize, but she wasn't. She was still angry at me for going, and she also discovered that she was still working part-time. She felt it was pointless for me to see all this (this is a bit messy, brothers, please sort it out yourselves).

She stayed with me for a while that night, then went back to her part-time job. I was a little agitated at that moment, and I said I would give her money, and she shouldn't go. She looked at me, her eyes a little red, and said, "Are you very rich? I have many expenses, can you give me all of them?"

I was speechless. I didn't know what to say, and I couldn't say anything. She left, leaving me alone in the hotel. I also felt that I shouldn't have come. And from the beginning, it was just about missing the train, but now I'm a little confused. What happened? Was she setting me up? Or am I just completely unaware of how things have developed?

Later, around 2 AM, she messaged me, asking if I was asleep. I said no (my mind was a mess). She came back and stayed with me until morning. I hadn't slept all night and had to catch my train back in the morning. Before leaving, my mind went blank, and I asked her, "Come with me?" She shook her head. I thought our story was over. I had lifted a veil of shame from her, and she probably no longer harbored any illusions about me…

I returned to City A and didn't contact her for a while, then went back home (City C). About five or six days passed, and I thought it was all over.

Suddenly, she messaged me that night, asking if I still wanted to take her to the grasslands. I said yes, if she wanted, I would take her. She asked when we were leaving, and I said next week. She said okay.

Although I was a little confused at the time, I don't know why, but all I could think about was her. I took time off work, arranged the itinerary, and took her to the grasslands. I asked her why she wanted to come with me, and she said she just suddenly wanted to come out with me. Maybe this would be the end of it, and we would both be okay. But this trip brought us much closer.

Over this period of time, I admit I've grown to like her more and more. Sometimes, her image is constantly on my mind. I've been giving her money on and off, about 10,000 RMB a month, which is all I can afford. But after we returned from the grasslands, she changed. She seemed more depressed and withdrawn than before, although she still sighs occasionally. This is related to her past experiences. She's involved in all sorts of family problems, and she has a gambler-drinker ex-husband (divorced, no children). I don't understand why a woman in her early twenties would have so many troublesome issues. Her own father asks her for money every few days. I don't understand, do these people have children just to scam them? We

've been spending more and more time together. Sometimes she'll stay for a week (I've become quite familiar with the hotel owner). She knows I have a wife and children, but she hasn't thought about anything romantic with me. When we go out, we're like a couple, holding hands or arm in arm, shopping, eating out, and watching movies. But during this time, I've been giving her pocket money for all sorts of things, spending about 20,000 RMB a month on her (that's all I can afford right now). Things dragged on until October when some changes occurred at my company (many industries are really struggling this year), and my take-home pay dwindled. Gradually, I started to find myself living beyond my means. Fortunately, I didn't have to worry too much about things at home (sigh, thinking about it, I'm really not a good husband, a good father, a good son, and I'm slowly becoming a bad lover too).

I told her I was short of money and might not be able to give her much more often. I said it very seriously, and she said that seeing how serious I was, she thought I didn't want her anymore. She hugged me and said she had a way to manage...

Starting in November, I gave her much less (I really didn't have any money). I don't know how long this relationship can last. After all, money is hard currency, and without money, many relationships will reach their breaking point. Now it's almost the end of the year, and there are more and more expenses. I'm confused now. Should I let go?

Should I wait for this story to reach its end on its own, or should I let it fade away on its own? It's December now, and sometimes she still asks me for money. It's gone from a few thousand to a few hundred. I know that girls like her have a lot of expenses for food, clothing, housing, and transportation, so this isn't much. But I'm also facing some trouble now. I'm owing a lot to my credit card and Alipay every month. If I had money on hand like before, I wouldn't care. It's just for fun, right? But now I'm really feeling lost.

I wonder what the guys on the forum think? Some people have advised me, saying I'm just being pathetic, that I've been playing around for so long, it's enough (I haven't dated anyone else since I got together with her this year). Others have told me to hurry up and get back to the team, there are plenty of girls out there, the guys are all waiting for me to come back and have fun. Still others have said, "You're just being dramatic,

spending so much on a woman, and she's a prostitute, are you crazy?!" Anyway, there have been all sorts of nice and mean things. I've asked myself why too. Maybe it's just infatuation, starting with looks but ending with reality? I've been with 200-300 women and had almost 20 relationships. With that kind of experience, even the most seasoned player would be quite experienced, right? Why am I doing this for her? The only thing I can think of is that I know there's no future with her, so I want to hold onto the present even more.

I've always considered myself a jerk (I wouldn't dare call myself a scumbag, after all, I don't cheat people). I used to dump girls without a second thought, a total playboy. If a girl at a nightclub wasn't cooperative, I'd smash my glass and tell her to get lost. Why am I like this now?

As I get older, many things I didn't understand before become clear, but I'm even more confused now. I've rambled on a bit, and there's so much more I haven't gone into detail. Much of it is probably related to my past actions. Perhaps I did too many bad things when I was younger, and now I'm more conflicted, more emotional…

The world
is full of dazzling lights
and
countless beauties
; I've lived half a lifetime
acting from reason to emotion
, half a lifetime spent
in a dream, never to awaken.

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After ten years of indulging in pleasure quarters, he fell in love with a prostitute, treating her with kindness but neglecting himself...

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