tricking his wife into bed

" The
teacher's here, sit down!" My deskmate, Zhang Yaohan, whispered to me.

"Okay!" I replied impatiently. I was having a great time talking with my wife, Yu, and I was really annoyed to be interrupted by him and that annoying old-fashioned Chinese literature teacher. Damn it, who are you to tell me what to do? Of course, these were just my thoughts; I couldn't say them out loud. At least on the surface, I'm a good student who does well academically, just occasionally a bit emotional.

Before I returned to my seat, I quickly kissed my wife's soft cheek. Yu was startled, her face flushing red. "Go away!" Yu poked me under the table with her finger, then quickly lowered her head and ignored me.

I love watching Yu's shy expression, but I don't have time to appreciate it now, because that old fogey Chinese teacher has already stepped into the classroom. I reluctantly returned to my seat. Another boring class is about to begin. Ugh! Damn it

! Lin Beile! Talking about the Three Kingdoms again! This isn't a history class. Even if it were, it shouldn't be about the Wei, Shu, and Wu rivalries every single day! Teachers like this should have been fired long ago! Whatever, let him talk, I'll just sleep. I finally managed to get through the class in a daze. The bell ringing for the end of class was so beautiful. Even heavenly music couldn't compare.

"Lazybones, school's out!" Yu pinched my ear, lifted my head from the desk, and whispered sweetly in my ear. Damn it! What the hell is this? Anyway, I just love the way my wife calls me, although I personally can't stand being called "pighead." I consider myself dashing, tall, and handsome—a rare find in this world, even though I'm only 1.65 meters tall and my face is only a few times uglier than Jiu Kong's. But a man with my manners will always be popular. Add to that my nauseating smile, hahaha, I'm truly the most handsome man in the world!

After a hypocritical farewell to my classmates, I left school with two backpacks on my back, holding Yu's hand, feigning bliss in a ridiculously irritating manner. Why the hypocrisy? Anyone who's been to school knows the answer; I don't need to explain further. Why pretend to be sexually happy? It's simple: I haven't managed to get my wife into bed yet. So what's my signature annoying tactic? Those who know me know I love bragging about how many safe (with raincoats) home runs my wife and I have had. My way of proving it is through my intimate behavior with my wife at school. Thus, my close interactions with Yu on campus have become the most spectacular sight in the history of our school.

Yu's full name is Hu Yushan (also known as Hu Yusan – purely a joke – don't hit me, wife!). When she was born, it was constantly drizzling down from the sky. Her mother believed this was because the Dragon Mother, who lived in the deep sea, couldn't bear to see her beloved daughter reincarnate into the human world. So, the Dragon Mother bid farewell to her daughter with tears and blessed her to be reborn into a good family. A good family? Taiwan is in chaos! But that's how Yu Shan's name came about; her parents called her Yu'er. I felt calling her Yu'er was too sweet, so I just called her Yu, though it's a little too masculine. Anyone who hasn't seen her would definitely think I have homosexual tendencies when I call her name in that lecherous, gentle way.

Pursuing Yu isn't easy, you know. Yu, whom I'm proud of, is ranked 11th on our school's top ten list of school beauties and dinosaurs, although I'm not sure if it's 11th for school beauty or 11th for dinosaurs. Anyway, her ranking is pretty high. Why think so much! I love her. I like her. I want to sleep with her. Isn't that reason enough?!

I still remember that in some distant, ancient time—yes, about a year and a half ago—I started bringing a bouquet of roses that the florist next to my house had thrown in the trash the night before, and a box of chocolates that my older sister had bought and then repackaged, to school every day. Within a month, bombarded by my flowers, chocolates, and sweet words, Yu's heart was finally opened. She slowly began to accept my declaration of love for her.

That month, it really caused a sensation throughout the school; everyone knew about it. From the teacher's talk to the parents' visit to the school, to being imprisoned by my parents, after a full month of agonizing torment, I finally overcame all obstacles and confirmed my romantic relationship with Yu. At that time, I felt I had the ability and qualifications to run for President of Taiwan when I grew up. Compared to Bush and Chen Shui-bian... Hmph, I think I'm much more cunning than them. Haha. Sorry, I digress. However, if I were to actually run for president in the future, please support me! Thank you in advance. By the way, let me add that my surname is Yang, my given name is Yi Fei, and my courtesy name is Zi Hao. Yang Yi Fei, Yang Zi Hao is just me, a humble person.

In the year-and-a-half-long, marathon-like relationship between Yu and me, our feelings for each other have grown stronger every day. Now we're inseparable. For me, the only regret is that we haven't slept together, haven't tasted the forbidden fruit. I think the forbidden fruit must taste delicious. Otherwise, why do my parents love fried rice so much? Otherwise, why is Taiwan's pornography culture becoming more and more like Japan's? Otherwise, why are yellow and blue cultures so popular worldwide? It must be because the forbidden fruit is so addictive! No way, I absolutely have to sleep with my wife, to taste that forbidden fruit that drives people crazy, that makes them commit crimes without hesitation. I'll lie to my wife if I have to!

"Rain, my parents are away on a business trip this Saturday, and my damn older sister is always out there dying," I said gently, with a tentative tone.

"Fine, you lazybones! Finally, you can be free for once!" Rain replied nonchalantly, completely unconcerned.

On the way home from school, Rain was usually more interested in kicking pebbles than talking to me. She claimed she was preparing for joining the Taiwan women's soccer team. Interrupting her kicking pebbles was interfering with the future of Taiwan women's soccer. Absolutely ridiculous. However, she was more interested in talking to me on the way to school each day. She said that by the time she got to school, she'd be mostly awake. Good heavens! What does she take me for? Anyway, I still love her, I love her so much. She loves me just as much. I'm content.

One plan failed, so I tried another.

"Rain, I'm scared." I said, feigning fear.

"Scared of what?" Rain looked up, pouting, and glanced at me sideways. "Scared of the dark? Scared of living alone? Scared of being raped?"

I continued, my face contorted with pleading eyes.

"Come stay with me, Rain. I'm so scared. Please, Rain, stay with me." I pleaded, grasping Rain's soft, boneless hand. I knew that when I needed Rain's help, I should avoid using force. That way, I could show my chivalrous side as a man.

"Wait a minute, I'll tell your parents. Anyway, we live so close, don't worry!" I continued my relentless persuasion.

Rain turned to face me and said, word by word, "What are you plotting, Fei? Don't think I don't know."

I looked directly into Rain's beautiful eyes. So beautiful! I was captivated. I wanted to take Rain right there in the street. Why can dogs do what they want in the street, but two 18- or 19-year-old adults can't show affection in the street? What kind of world is this? Even such a loving act of love can't be expressed in the street?! The world is going to the dogs, and people's hearts are no longer what they used to be. How pathetic.

Since being soft doesn't work, I'll try being hard. A man should be hard!

"If you don't agree, I'll..." Before I could finish speaking, I reached out and pulled Rain closer to me, bringing my mouth to hers. I freed up one hand to tickle her. As soon as I, a swordsman whose martial arts surpass Lu Xiaofeng and whose lust surpasses Tian Boguang, adopted a "kill first, then rape" stance, I knew Yu would quickly surrender.

"You dare!" Yu pouted coquettishly.

Good heavens! Wasn't this blatantly provocative? Looking at her cheeks puffed up like a frog inflating a balloon, and hearing her alluring moans, I, as a first-rate swordsman, didn't hesitate to inflict severe punishment on her on the spot.

She struggled; I resisted. Passersby glanced sideways and shook their heads, our lips met; traffic accidents occurred one after another, yet we couldn't stop.

Alas! Although I was all set, I couldn't go all out; I could only let my boundless imagination roam freely in my incredibly powerful brain.

However, while a kiss was spared, the tickling was unavoidable.

Rain let out a series of melodious, trembling laughs. In this public place, being groped by me in front of everyone, she was itchy, ashamed, and unable to escape; she could only beg for mercy.

"Haha. Okay, okay, I agree, I agree," Rain replied softly, a little out of breath.

Hahaha. I laughed wildly inwardly. As the saying goes, "A good beginning is half the battle." My wicked scheme was already half successful.

Wish me luck!

Actually, a week ago, when my parents told me they were going to Taipei on a business trip, I had already started making thorough preparations for my wife and me's first time.

Condoms, condoms, and raincoats—these three things were indispensable until my wife and I had legal and financial recognition. I didn't want a little Yang Yifei to appear so soon and ruin our sweet world of two. Damn it. Later I found out that all three referred to the same thing! English is so much better; "condom" simply means "condom," without so many confusing expressions. However, later in class, my English teacher mentioned that "rubber" also means "condom" in American English. What kind of school is this? The teachers just teach such irrelevant things. The mainland's education system is a mess, and Taiwan's isn't much worse.

7-Eleven. These 24-hour convenience stores are incredibly convenient. In my limited knowledge, this is the second best invention since betel nut girls selling betel nuts naked. It's truly beneficial.

Learning is a boundless sea of knowledge; 24/7 availability.

I often go to the 7-Eleven near my house for late-night snacks. However, if I want to buy condoms, I think I should go to a more distant one. I don't want that lovely clerk to tell my parents and neighbors about me buying condoms. If they knew I was doing something so outrageous, they'd skin me alive! What's infuriating is that while they're intentionally or unintentionally suppressing my sexual urges (I was going to mention my sexual orientation, by the way), they're also urging me to give them a chubby grandson as soon as possible so they can hold him. What do they take me for? An androgynous being? Besides, is having a grandson just for holding? It's something they'll have to raise with their money!

I rode my sister's worn-out motorcycle to a 7-Eleven that's a bit far from my house. Usually, the employees at these stores are just some greenhorn kids. But this store was different. The cashier behind the register was at least 30 years old, and he looked shrewd and capable. He smiled at me when I came in. That forced smile sent chills down my spine. "Could I have stumbled into a super-sized convenience store from a horror novel?" I thought with a chill. But who cares? I'll just buy the tools for my crime first.

Most people are embarrassed to buy condoms, so they usually buy other things along with them, and they're always trying to hide it. But I'm perfectly innocent. While my wife and I don't have a strong legal basis for sleeping together, we certainly have a strong moral one. Love, indeed! In this society where there's no justice or law, my wife and I are exemplary citizens who uphold moral standards.

I quickly walked to the counter. I remember condoms are usually placed next to the cash register, as if the shopkeeper wants people to know they sell condoms. I'd seen them before, but never this closely. Good heavens! What the hell?! Even motorcycle condoms come in so many varieties. There are 3-packs; 12-packs; strawberry flavor; different sizes; ultra-thin; some with barbs; some with sounds; and different brands. I was completely dumbfounded, my mouth watering. Turns out, there's a lot to learn about condoms! I fantasized about becoming a condom expert someday—that would be so cool!

I wanted to buy them all and try them, but alas, I was short on cash and had to choose only one. I half-squatted, staring blankly at the dazzling array of condoms before me. The handsome men and beautiful women on the condoms, along with their prominent cleavage and breasts, seemed to stare back at me indifferently. Comparison is the thief of joy; comparing goods is futile. Today, I finally understood what "feeling inferior because of one's own appearance" meant.

I silently picked out a box of three small, regular-sized condoms. I'm no better than everyone else; others might not know, but I know myself. At least I chose the cheapest box. In this respect, I felt a little proud. Everyone has their own talents. Mr. Li really hit the nail on the head.

Holding the condoms, I walked up to the sales clerk with a confident, unwavering smile.

"Boss, another box of Marlboro, please!" I tossed the box of condoms onto the counter with great seriousness. I don't smoke, but I needed a pack of cigarettes to bolster my courage and hide my inner weakness in front of the clerk.

"ID card?" The guy didn't even glance at the box of condoms, answering with a fake smile and indifferent tone.

Out of the corner of his eye, I could see a hint of mockery. Damn it. I don't tolerate any nonsense. I've seen it all.

I coughed awkwardly and said, "I forgot it." Then, I lowered my head, nervously pushed the condoms, and whispered, "Just this one."

The guy glanced at it, then with an air of complete dominance, expertly scanned it, bagged it, and reached for the money. I hurriedly grabbed my wallet, tossed out the exact amount of NT dollars, grabbed a condom, and, head down and tail between my legs, scurried out of the convenience store. I could feel the undisguised, mocking gazes behind me. Defeated! In just one encounter, I was completely defeated by this guy. It's all because my skills are lacking. Shame on me.

Outside, the streetlights were just coming on, and a gentle evening breeze was blowing. The cool breeze helped me clear my head a bit. I suddenly remembered I'd forgotten to buy another tool for my crime—sleeping pills.

If I wanted to sleep with my wife, I could force myself on her, or I could gently seduce her, or I could shamelessly drug her and sleep with her. Subduing the enemy without a fight is the best strategy. I told myself I had to be gentle with my wife, never force her. So, I chose to seduce her. But just to be safe, besides Plan A, I also had Plan B. If seduction failed, I'd get my wife to sleep, implementing the sleep-rape plan. Watching myself gradually transform from a complete lecher to a half-lecher to completely non-lecherous, I felt secretly proud. I, Yang Yifei, truly am a saint among men.

So why buy sleeping pills instead of aphrodisiacs or ecstasy? Sleeping pills are simple, practical, cheap, and easy to find. Aphrodisiacs are too expensive; drugs are harmful. I love my wife very much. I would never use such vile things on my beloved wife. Using sleeping pills is a high-level, top-tier method. Why not use them?

Thoughts are actions. Bro, I'm back! Turning around, I strode back into the store.

"A box of sleeping pills, please," I said firmly, looking directly into the shopkeeper's eyes. He

looked me up and down, a look of surprise in his eyes. Without a word, he turned and took a box of sleeping pills from the shelf behind him. I was initially full of confidence, but when I saw the price, I was stunned. Damn! Sleeping pills can be this expensive! Seeing my embarrassed hesitation, and remembering that I had just bought condoms, the shopkeeper seemed to understand my intentions. He bent down and pulled another box of sleeping pills from under the counter. "These are made in Taiwan. Although they can't compare to the Western ones, they're much cheaper," he said with an all-knowing tone. My eyes lit up, and I grabbed the pills with unusual speed, as if I were afraid they would grow legs and run away. "Any side effects?" I asked hesitantly, though I was secretly pleased. "Nothing much. It's just that it takes a while to work," the older man replied with a half-smile. As if reading my mind, he added, "Guaranteed to keep you sleeping until dawn."

That's well said. He didn't say "guarantee you or she'll sleep soundly until dawn," only vaguely saying "guarantee she'll sleep soundly until dawn." In other words, if things come to light, he can completely deny everything, leaving me no chance to even use him as a scapegoat. Good! I love this kind of honest, unscrupulous businessman! Having people like this in business is a great blessing for Taiwan. As for my friends wanting to know which brand of sleeping pills it was, sorry, I still need to apply for a patent.

Everything is ready, just waiting for the right opportunity!

I took Yu's hand and went back to her house. My future in-laws already treated me like half a son. Hearing my unreasonable plea, they agreed without hesitation. They were quick to sell their daughter, as if they were afraid Yu wouldn't find a husband. They weren't afraid I'd illegally abduct Yu. Yu, seeing that the situation was unavoidable, shyly remained silent. I knew Yu was secretly pleased. But in front of her parents, it was best to act like a lady. Image mattered!

Time flew by! In the blink of an eye, the weekend arrived. My grand plan to trick my wife into bed was nearing completion.

Saturday morning, after seeing off my parents, who gave me countless instructions as if saying goodbye, I slowly walked to Yu's house. I could have gone in the evening, but my wretched older sister had gone off to fool around again, leaving me to plan my own lunch. Since my in-laws lived nearby, why not take advantage of picking up Yu to have lunch there? Good! The idea was made up, time to act. Actually, I'd thought of it before, but hadn't come up with a good excuse. Anyway, it's my in-laws' food, so why not eat it? People say, "A grandson is like a dog to his maternal grandparents; he eats and leaves." I say, "A son-in-law is like a dog to his in-laws; he eats and leaves too."

After a hearty meal, I took Yu's little hand and said goodbye to my in-laws. On the way, looking at Yu's innocent face, I thought about how tonight I could finally shed all her inhibitions and have a naked encounter with her. I felt both excited and nervous. We arrived at my now empty house in silence. The emptiness was good; it was perfect for our unspeakable, illicit affair that evening.

That afternoon, Yu and I sang karaoke in the living room, howling like ghosts, until the neighbors almost came in to commit murder. After singing until we were tired, Yu and I watched two pirated movies. Although Brother Xian's movies were funny, they were so bad they weren't even worthy of serious consideration. Brother Xian, please don't sue me! I know I was wrong. Even if the movies are bad, you don't have to make things difficult for a little kid like me!

After a whole afternoon of fun, night fell. Don't think I'm brainless. Everything I do is carefully considered! Although that damned old Chinese teacher hinted that if I could think, pigs would fly. Chinese teachers are amazing; they even hint at what people mean, and they don't swear. But my Chinese is pretty good, so I've never given him a chance to mess with me. Try to mess with me? No way!

Singing karaoke was meant to relax Yu and lower her guard. Watching Brother Xian's pirated movies served several purposes: first, it saved money; second, it supported local industry, much like I buy locally made sleeping pills; and third, Brother Xian was rather lewd. Watching the dirty jokes and listening to the smutty talk, Yu, amidst the hearty laughter, developed a greater acceptance and less fear of the word "sex." This laid a good foundation for my subsequent actions.

I went to great lengths for this night. From buying condoms and sleeping pills, preparing a movie karaoke session, to convincing Yu, to arranging a candlelight dinner just for the two of us, I meticulously prepared for our first time. A man, after all. Doing these things is only right. Hehe. Don't praise me, don't praise me.

Yu stared wide-eyed in disbelief as I bustled about. One minute I'll set out two bright red candles with the character for "double happiness" on them; the next I'll bring out my dad's treasured wine; then I'll bring out the cooked food I bought nearby; then I'll bring out the fried rice, scrambled eggs with tomatoes, and steaming hot egg drop soup that I specially made myself.

Why all eggs? First, it's the only thing I know how to cook with eggs, and second, it has special meaning. Fried rice, everyone knows what that means, I don't need to explain. Scrambled eggs with tomatoes represents that Yu and I will soon be like tomatoes and eggs, perfectly intertwined and inseparable. Sorry, actually I burned it. The egg drop soup is even more significant; if Yu and I fail to consummate our marriage, it will represent our future relationship as distant and platonic as water. Sorry, actually I forgot to add salt.

"Rain, do you still like it?" I gazed at Rain quietly through the candlelight and asked softly. Actually, I wanted to ask Rain if she felt it was romantic. But that would be too direct, not appropriate for a passionate and unrestrained man like me to say it so directly.

Rain closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"Fei, I'm so happy!" Rain slowly opened her eyes and said softly. "Ever since you pursued me that month, we've never been this romantic."

What's going on? I just thought she was moved by me and was going to offer herself to me. Who knew she would change the subject and start criticizing me instead. I really didn't appreciate your kindness. Like a dog biting Lü Dongbin, not recognizing a kind heart.

"As long as you're happy," I muttered, suppressing my dissatisfaction. "I'll definitely make it more romantic next time,"

I said insincerely, without any thought.

Yu slowly talked about our future, her wishes, and my dreams. I went along with it half-heartedly. My mind was actually completely focused on what was about to happen. The meal passed slowly in Yu's whispers and my absent-mindedness.

The warm and tender candlelight dinner was finally coming to an end.

"Yu, I'll get you a glass of orange juice," I said to Yu as dinner was ending. I knew Yu had a habit of drinking orange juice after meals.

Yu gave me a sweet smile. Her smile was so delicate and lovely. I couldn't help but stare at her, mesmerized. Seeing my infatuation with her, Yu smiled even more broadly. She liked me. She especially liked the way I looked at her with such devotion.

Infatuated with her, crazy for her; what does it matter if we go through thick and thin, I silently told myself.

I walked into the kitchen with eyes full of love. I opened the refrigerator, took out orange juice, and poured Yu a full glass. I took out the sleeping pills I had prepared beforehand, which I had ground into powder, from my pocket. My original plan was to put the whole dose in. But my heart felt heavy. I changed my mind and only added half a dose.

Why did I decide to use sleeping pills? Because I was afraid! I was afraid Yu wouldn't agree. I was afraid that in the end I would have to force myself on her and hurt her. I know that whatever I do against her will hurt her, will hurt her feelings. In the end, I suddenly decided to only give her half a dose of medicine; maybe it was a pang of conscience, and I wanted to stop there. But I had no way out. Lying to my wife was my only remaining option.

Yu went to my older sister's room to wash and change. After showering in my parents' room, I went up to my room to wait for Yu. It's really unfair. My damned older sister's room has a bathroom, and it's spacious and bright—far better than my poor little world. Being the second child in the family is really uncomfortable. My parents are biased!

I grumbled to myself as I waited for Yu. Logically, my room is also quite nice. It had a TV, a computer, and even a mini-fridge—the amenities were comparable to a regular hotel room. I think it was probably the uncertainty of what lay ahead that made me want to vent, but I had nowhere to do it. Nevertheless, I was still very excited. After all, it was my first time!

Girls are so slow at getting ready! I was almost dozing off, leaning against the headboard.

*Knock, knock.* Two soft knocks, and my room door opened. Yu stood in the doorway, wearing ankle-length pajamas embroidered with Winnie the Pooh, tilting her head to look at me.

I immediately sat up straight, all sleepiness gone. Having known each other for so long, this was the first time I'd ever seen Yu in just pajamas, and in such adorable pajamas at that. Although the pajamas were rather loose and childlike, they still accentuated Yu's budding figure in a way that stirred the imagination. The pajamas draped naturally along the curves of Yu's body. And my gaze, intentionally or unintentionally, fell upon the bulge at Yu's chest. The loose pajamas made the semi-circular protrusion less noticeable, but the hazy, subtle beauty was all the more breathtaking and arousing.

My eyes were fixed on the scene, my heart pounded, blood rushed to my head, and I felt a warm, metallic taste in my nose. I completely forgot the greatness of the Creator. I could have a nosebleed while simultaneously feeling a surge of blood and arousal in my groin. I was going to suffer from a severe overload!

Yu was stunned for a moment, but quickly recovered, her face flushing with anger. She gave a coquettish snort and came over with a pout.

"You big pervert!" Although Yu was displeased, she still took some tissues from the bedside table and wiped away the blood from my nose. There were also some bloodstains on the sleeve of her pajamas. I still keep that pajamas that Yu wore, the one that made my heart flutter, and on the right cuff that was stained with the blood from my first nosebleed with a woman. But now, all I can smell is the milky scent of Yu's hands, a mixture of shower gel and the unique fragrance of a young girl.

As I was lost in thought, Yu gently tapped me with her small hand and pushed me to the other side of the bed. She then sat down where I had just been sitting.

"Hey, you big pervert, didn't you say you bought a good movie to watch? What are you staring at me for?" Yu started twisting my arm, scolding me in a coquettish voice. "Do you think you're stupid? I'm not a movie."

I exclaimed, as if waking from a dream. I knew I had Yu wrapped around my little finger today.

"The teacher's coming, sit down!" My deskmate, Zhang Yaohan, whispered to me.

"Okay!" I replied impatiently. I was having a great conversation with my wife, Yu, and being interrupted by him and that annoying old-fashioned Chinese literature teacher really annoyed me. Damn it, who are you to tell me what to do? Of course, these were just my thoughts; I couldn't say them out loud. At least on the surface, I appear to be a good student, albeit one who's occasionally a bit emotional.

Before returning to my seat, I quickly kissed my wife's soft cheek. Yu was startled, her face flushing red. "Go away!" Yu poked me under the table with her finger, then quickly lowered her head, ignoring me.

I love seeing Yu shy, but I didn't have time to appreciate it now, as that old fogey Chinese teacher had already entered the classroom. I returned to my seat dejectedly. Another boring class was about to begin. Ugh! Damn it!

Lin Beile! Talking about the Three Kingdoms again! This isn't a history class. Even if it were, it shouldn't be about the Wei, Shu, and Wu rivalries every single day! Teachers like this should have been fired long ago! Whatever, let him talk, I'll just sleep. I finally managed to get through the class in a daze. The bell ringing for the end of class was so beautiful. Even heavenly music couldn't compare.

"Lazybones, school's out!" Yu nuzzled my ear, lifting my head from my desk, and whispered sweetly in my ear. What the hell?! What is all this nonsense? Anyway, I just love the way my wife calls me, although I can't accept being called "pighead." I consider myself dashing, tall, and handsome—a rare find in this world, even though I'm only 1.65 meters tall and my face is only a few times uglier than Jiu Kong's. But a man with style like me will always be popular. Coupled with my nauseating smile, hahaha, I truly am the most handsome man in the world!

After a hypocritical farewell to my classmates, I left school with two backpacks on my back, holding Yu's hand, feigning bliss in my signature, incredibly annoying manner. Why hypocritical? Anyone who's been to school knows perfectly well; no further explanation is needed. Why feign bliss? It's simple: I haven't managed to get my wife into bed yet. And what is my annoying signature manner? Those who know me know I love to brag in front of others about how many safe (meaning those with raincoats) home runs my wife and I have hit. The proof is my intimate behavior towards my wife at school. Thus, my close relationship with Yu on campus became the most beautiful sight in the history of our school.

Yu's full name is Hu Yushan (also known as Hu Yusan - just a joke - don't hit me, wife!). When she was born, it was constantly drizzling down from the sky. Her mother believed that this was because the Dragon Mother, who lived in the deep sea, couldn't bear to let her precious daughter be reincarnated into the human world, so the Dragon Mother bid farewell to her daughter with tears and blessed her to be reborn into a good family. A good family? Taiwan is a chaotic place! But that's how Yushan's name contains the character "Yu" (rain); her parents called her Yu'er (Rain Girl). I felt that calling her Yu'er was too sweet, so I shortened it to Yu, which is just a little too masculine. Anyone who hasn't seen her would think I'm gay every time I call her name in that lecherous, gentle way.

It's not easy for me to pursue Yu. Yu, whom I'm so proud of, is ranked 11th on our school's top ten list of campus beauties, though I'm not sure if it's 11th for campus beauties or 11th for being a dinosaur. Anyway, her ranking is quite high. Why think so much! I love her. I like her. I want to sleep with her. Is that reason enough?!

I still remember that in some distant, ancient time—yes, about a year and a half ago—I started bringing a bouquet of roses that the florist next to my house had thrown in the trash the night before, and a box of chocolates that my older sister had bought and then repackaged. Within a month, bombarded with flowers, chocolates, and sweet words, I finally opened Yu's heart. She slowly began to accept my declaration of love.

That month truly caused a sensation throughout the school; everyone knew about it. From teacher talks to parents coming to the school, to being "confined" by my parents, after a full month of agonizing torment, we finally overcame all obstacles and established a romantic relationship between Yu and me. I felt then that I had the ability and qualifications to run for president of Taiwan when I grew up. Compared to Little Bush and Chen Shui-bian... Hmph, I think I'm much more cunning than them. Haha. Sorry, I've digressed. However, if I were to actually run for president in the future, please give me your support! Thank you in advance. By the way, let me add that my surname is Yang, given name Yifei, courtesy name Zihao. Yang Yifei, Yang Zihao is just me, a humble person.

In my year-and-a-half-long, marathon-like relationship with Yu, our feelings for each other have grown stronger every day. Now we are inseparable. For me, the only regret is that we haven't slept together yet, haven't tasted the forbidden fruit. I think the forbidden fruit must taste delicious. Otherwise, why do my parents like fried rice so much? Otherwise, why is Taiwan's pornography culture becoming more and more like Japan's? Otherwise, why are yellow and blue cultures so popular all over the world? It must be because the forbidden fruit is so addictive! No way, I absolutely have to sleep with my wife and taste that forbidden fruit that drives people crazy, that makes them want to commit crimes. I'll lie to my wife if I have to!

"Rain, my parents are away on a business trip this Saturday, and my damn older sister is always dying out there," I said gently, with a tentative tone.

"Fine, you lazybones! You can finally be free!" Rain replied nonchalantly, completely unconcerned.

On her way home from school, Rain is usually more interested in kicking pebbles than talking to me. She claims she's preparing for the Taiwan women's soccer team. Interrupting her kicking pebbles is interrupting the future of the Taiwan women's soccer team. That's utterly absurd. However, she was still quite interested in talking to me on our way to school every day. She said that by the time we got to school, she would be mostly awake. Good heavens! What does she take me for? Anyway, I still love her, I love her so much. She loves me just as much. I'm content.

One plan failed, so I devised another.

"Rain, I'm scared." I said, feigning a frightened expression.

"Scared of what?" Rain looked up, pouting, and glanced at me sideways. "Scared of the dark? Scared of living alone? Scared of being raped?"

I continued, my face contorted with pleading eyes.

"Come stay with me, Rain. I'm so scared. Please, Rain, stay with me." I pleaded, grasping Rain's soft, boneless hand. I knew that when I needed Rain's help, I should try to avoid using force. That way I can show my chivalrous spirit as a man.

"Wait a minute, I'll tell your parents. Anyway, we live so close, no need to worry!" I continued my persistent persuasion.

Yu turned to face me and said, word by word, "What are you up to, Fei? Don't think I don't know."

I stared into Yu's beautiful eyes. So beautiful! I was captivated. I wanted to take Yu right there in the street. Why can dogs do what they want in the street, but two 18- or 19-year-old adults can't show affection in the street? What kind of world is this? Even such a loving act of love can't be expressed in the street?! The world is truly going to the dogs, and people's hearts are no longer what they used to be. How pathetic.

Since being soft doesn't work, I'll try being hard. A man should be hard!

"If you don't agree, I'll..." Before I could finish speaking, I reached out and pulled Yu closer to me, bringing my mouth to her lips. I freed one hand to tickle her. As soon as this high-level swordsman, whose martial arts surpass Lu Xiaofeng and whose lust surpasses Tian Boguang, adopted the stance of killing first and then raping, I knew Yu would soon surrender.

"You dare!" Yu pouted coquettishly.

Good heavens! Isn't this blatantly provocative? Looking at her cheeks puffed up like a frog inflating a balloon, and hearing her alluring moans, I, as a first-rate swordsman, didn't hesitate to inflict my punishment on her right then and there.

She struggled; I resisted. Passersby glanced and shook their heads, our lips met; traffic accidents occurred one after another, we couldn't stop.

Alas! Although I was ready, I couldn't go all out; I could only let my boundless imagination roam freely in my incredibly powerful brain.

However, the kiss was spared, but the tickling was unavoidable.

Yu let out a series of melodious, trembling laughs. In such a public place, being groped by me in front of everyone, she was itchy, ashamed, and unable to hide. She could only beg for mercy.

"Haha. Okay, okay, I agree, I agree," Yu replied softly, a little out of breath.

Hahaha. I laughed inwardly. As the saying goes, "A good beginning is half the battle." My scheme was already half successful.

Wish me luck!

Actually, a week ago, when my parents told me they were going to Taipei on business, I had already begun making thorough preparations for my wife and me's first time.

Condoms, condoms, and raincoats—these three things were indispensable until my wife and I had legal and financial approval. I didn't want some little Yang Yifei to appear so soon and disrupt my sweet world with my wife. Damn it. Later I realized all three referred to the same thing! English is so much better; "condom" simply means "condom," without all those confusing expressions. However, my English teacher later mentioned that "rubber" also means "condom" in American English. Seriously, what kind of school is this? The teachers just teach irrelevant stuff. The mainland's education system is terrible, but Taiwan's isn't much worse.

7-Eleven. These 24-hour convenience stores are incredibly convenient. In my limited knowledge, this is the second best invention since betel nut girls selling betel nuts naked. It's truly invaluable.

Learning is a boundless sea of knowledge; 24/7 accessibility.

I often buy late-night snacks at the 7-Eleven near my house. However, if I need to buy condoms, I think I should go to a store a bit further away. I don't want that lovely clerk to tell my parents and neighbors that I'm buying condoms. If they knew I was doing something so outrageous, they'd skin me alive. What's worse, they're intentionally or unintentionally suppressing my sexual urges (I was going to say my sexual orientation, by the way), while simultaneously wanting me to give them a chubby grandson as soon as possible so they can hold him. What do they take me for? An androgynous being? Besides, is having a grandson just for holding? It's something they'll have to raise with their money!

I rode my sister's beat-up motorcycle to the 7-Eleven further from my house. Usually, the employees in these kinds of stores are young, inexperienced kids. This store was different. The cashier behind the register was at least 30 years old, and looked shrewd and capable. He smiled at me as I entered. That forced smile sent chills down my spine. Had I stumbled into a super-sized 100-yen convenience store from a horror novel? I wondered, a chill creeping over me. Never mind that. I'll buy the tools for my crime first.

Most people are embarrassed to buy condoms, so they usually buy other things along with them, and they're always trying to hide it. But I'm perfectly innocent. While my wife and I don't have a strong legal basis for sleeping together, we have a strong emotional one. The word "emotion"—how utterly unbearable! In this society where there's no justice or law, my wife and I are model citizens who uphold moral standards.

I quickly walked to the counter. I remember condoms are usually placed next to the cash register, as if the shop owner wanted people to know they sell condoms. I'd seen them before, but never this closely. Good heavens! What the hell?! Even motorcycle condoms come in so many varieties. There are 3-packs; 12-packs; strawberry flavor; different sizes; ultra-thin; some with barbs; some with sounds; and different brands. I was truly dumbfounded, my mouth watering. Turns out, there's a lot to know about condoms. I fantasized about becoming a condom expert someday—how prestigious that would be!

I wanted to buy and try them all, but alas, my pockets were empty, forcing me to choose only one. I squatted down, staring blankly at the dazzling array of condoms before me. The handsome men and beautiful women on the condoms, their prominent cleavage and breasts, seemed to stare back at me indifferently. Comparison is the thief of joy; comparing goods is futile. Today, I finally understood what "feeling inferior because of one's own appearance" meant.

I silently picked out a box of three small, regular-sized condoms. I'm no better than everyone else; at least I chose the cheapest box. In that respect, I felt a little proud. Everyone has their own talents. Mr. Li truly spoke my mind.

Holding the condoms, I walked up to the clerk with a nonchalant, confident smile.

"Boss, another pack of Marlboro, please!" I tossed the box of condoms onto the counter with an air of importance. I don't smoke, but I needed a pack to bolster my courage and mask my inner weakness in front of this clerk.

"ID card?" The clerk didn't even glance at the condoms, his fake smile and indifferent tone barely registering.

Out of the corner of his eye, I could see a hint of mockery. Damn it. I don't tolerate this kind of nonsense. What haven't I seen?

I coughed awkwardly and said, "I forgot to bring it." Then, I lowered my head, nervously pushed the condom aside, and whispered, "I'll take this one."

The guy glanced at it, then with an air of complete dominance, expertly scanned it, bagged it, and reached for the money. I quickly found my wallet, tossed out the exact amount of NT dollars, grabbed the condom, and, head down and tail between my legs, scurried out of the convenience store. I could feel the undisguised mocking gaze behind me. I was defeated! In just one encounter, I was utterly defeated by this guy. It's all because my skills are lacking. I'm ashamed, ashamed.

Outside, the streetlights were just coming on, and a gentle evening breeze was blowing. The cool breeze actually helped me clear my head a bit. I suddenly remembered I'd forgotten to buy another tool for my crime—sleeping pills.

If I wanted to sleep with my wife, I could force myself on her, seduce her gently, or even drug her and sleep with her. Subduing the enemy without fighting is the best strategy. I told myself I should be gentle with my wife, never force her. So, I chose seduction. But just to be safe, besides Plan A, I also needed Plan B. If seduction failed, I'd put her to sleep and implement the sleep-rape plan. Watching myself gradually transform from a complete lecher to a half-lecher to someone who wasn't a lecher at all, I felt a secret sense of pride. I, Yang Yifei, truly am a saint among men.

So why buy sleeping pills instead of aphrodisiacs or ecstasy? Sleeping pills are simple, practical, cheap, and easy to find. Aphrodisiacs are too expensive; drugs are harmful. I love my wife very much. I would never use such low-class stuff on my beloved wife. Using sleeping pills is a high-level, top-tier method. Why not use them?

Thoughts are actions. Bro, I'm back! Turning around, I strode back into the store.

"A box of sleeping pills, please," I said firmly, looking directly into the shopkeeper's eyes. He

looked me up and down, a look of surprise in his eyes. Without a word, he turned and took a box of sleeping pills from the shelf behind him. I was initially full of confidence, but when I saw the price, I was stunned. Damn! Sleeping pills can be this expensive! Seeing my embarrassed hesitation, and remembering that I had just bought condoms, the shopkeeper seemed to understand my intentions. He bent down and pulled another box of sleeping pills from under the counter. "These are made in Taiwan. Although they can't compare to the Western ones, they're much cheaper," he said with an all-knowing tone. My eyes lit up, and I grabbed the medicine with unusual speed, as if I were afraid it would grow legs and run away. "Any side effects?" I asked hesitantly, though secretly pleased. "No side effects. It's just that it takes a while to work," the man replied with a half-smile. As if reading my mind, he added, "Guaranteed to sleep through the night." How clever. He didn't say "guarantee you or her to sleep through the night," only vaguely stating "guarantee to sleep through the night." In other words, if things came to light, he could completely deny everything, leaving me no chance to even use him as a scapegoat. Good! I love this kind of honest, unscrupulous merchant! It's a great blessing for Taiwan to have people like this doing business. As for my friends wanting to know which brand of sleeping pills it is, sorry, I still need to apply for a patent. Everything is ready, just waiting for the right opportunity! I took Yu's hand and went back to her house. My future in-laws already treated me like half a son. Hearing my unreasonable plea, they agreed without hesitation. They were quick to sell their daughter, as if they were afraid Yu wouldn't be able to find a husband. They weren't even afraid that I would illegally abduct Yu. Yu saw that she couldn't go against the situation, and shyly didn't refute it. I knew that Yu was actually happy inside. But in front of her parents, it was better to pretend to be a lady. Image is important! Time flies! In the blink of an eye, the weekend was here. My grand plan to trick my wife into bed was nearing completion. On Saturday morning, after seeing off my parents, who gave me countless instructions as if saying goodbye, I strolled over to Yu's house. I could have gone in the evening, but my wretched older sister had gone off somewhere again, leaving me to figure out my own lunch. Since my in-laws lived nearby, why not take advantage of picking up Yu and have lunch there? Great! The idea was made up, so I put it into action. Actually, I'd thought of this before, but hadn't come up with a good excuse. Anyway, it's my in-laws' food, so why not eat it? People say, "A grandson is like a dog to his maternal grandparents; he eats and leaves." I say, "A son-in-law is like a dog to his in-laws; he eats and leaves too." After a satisfying meal, I took Yu's little hand and said goodbye to my in-laws. Along the way, I looked at Yu's innocent face, and the thought that tonight I could shed all her constraints and wrestle naked with her filled me with both excitement and nervousness. We arrived at my now empty house in silence. The emptiness was good; it was perfect for our unspeakable, illicit affair that evening. That afternoon, Yu and I first sang karaoke like banshees in the living room, until the neighbors almost came in to kill us. Tired of singing, we watched two pirated movies. Although Brother Xian's movies were funny, they were so bad they were unfit for serious entertainment. Brother Xian, please don't sue me! I know I was wrong. Even if the movies are bad, you don't have to make things difficult for a little kid like me! After a chaotic afternoon, night has fallen. Don't think I'm brainless. Everything I do is carefully considered! Although that damned old Chinese teacher hinted that if I could think, pigs would fly. Chinese teachers are really something, even hinting at "ma" (a respectful term for a person's name) without using any profanity. But my Chinese is pretty good, so I've never given him a chance to mess with me. Try to mess with me? No way! Singing karaoke was to relax Yu and lower her guard. Watching Brother Xian's pirated movies is for three reasons: first, to save money; second, to support local industry, like buying domestically produced sleeping pills; and third, because Brother Xian is a bit raunchy. Watching dirty jokes and listening to smutty talk, Yu, amidst her hearty laughter, gained a greater acceptance of the word "sex" and lessened her fear. This laid a good foundation for my next actions. I went to great lengths for this night. From buying condoms and sleeping pills, preparing a movie karaoke session, to convincing Yu, to arranging a candlelight dinner just for the two of us, I meticulously prepared for our first time. A man, after all. Doing these things is only right. Hehe. Don't praise me, don't praise me. Yu stared wide-eyed in disbelief as I bustled about. One minute I'll set out two bright red candles with the character for "double happiness" on them; the next I'll bring out my dad's treasured wine; then I'll bring out the cooked food I bought nearby; then I'll bring out the fried rice, scrambled eggs with tomatoes, and steaming hot egg drop soup that I specially made myself. Why all eggs? First, it's the only thing I know how to cook with eggs, and second, it has special meaning. Fried rice, everyone knows what that means, I don't need to explain. Scrambled eggs with tomatoes represents that Yu and I will soon be like tomatoes and eggs, perfectly intertwined and inseparable. Sorry, actually I burned it. The egg drop soup is even more significant; if Yu and I fail to consummate our marriage, it will represent our future relationship as distant and platonic as water. Sorry, actually I forgot to add salt. "Rain, do you still like it?" I gazed at Rain quietly through the candlelight and asked softly. Actually, I wanted to ask Rain if she felt it was romantic. But that would be too direct, not appropriate for a passionate and unrestrained man like me to say it so directly. Rain closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Fei, I'm so happy!" Rain slowly opened her eyes and said softly. "Ever since you pursued me that month, we've never been this romantic." What's going on? I just thought she was moved by me and was going to offer herself to me. Who knew she would change the subject and start criticizing me instead. I really didn't appreciate your kindness. Like a dog biting Lü Dongbin, not recognizing a kind heart. "As long as you're happy," I muttered, suppressing my dissatisfaction. "I'll definitely make it more romantic next time," I said insincerely, without any thought. Yu slowly talked about our future, her wishes, and my dreams. I went along with it half-heartedly. My mind was actually completely focused on what was about to happen. The meal passed slowly in Yu's whispers and my absent-mindedness. The warm and tender candlelight dinner was finally coming to an end. "Yu, I'll get you a glass of orange juice," I said to Yu as dinner was ending. I knew Yu had a habit of drinking orange juice after meals. Yu gave me a sweet smile. Her smile was so delicate and lovely. I couldn't help but stare at her, mesmerized. Seeing my infatuation with her, Yu smiled even more broadly. She liked me. She especially liked the way I looked at her with such devotion. Infatuated with her, crazy for her; what does it matter if we go through thick and thin, I silently told myself. I walked into the kitchen with eyes full of love. I opened the refrigerator, took out orange juice, and poured Yu a full glass. I took out the sleeping pills I had prepared beforehand, which I had ground into powder, from my pocket. My original plan was to put the whole dose in. But my heart felt heavy. I changed my mind and only added half a dose. Why did I decide to use sleeping pills? Because I was afraid! I was afraid Yu wouldn't agree. I was afraid that in the end I would have to force myself on her and hurt her. I know that whatever I do against her will hurt her, will hurt her feelings. In the end, I suddenly decided to only give her half a dose of medicine; perhaps it was a pang of conscience, and I wanted to stop there. But I had no other choice. Lying to my wife in bed was my only remaining option.

Yu went to my older sister's room to wash and change. After showering in my parents' room, I went up to my room to wait for Yu. It's really unfair. My sister's room has a bathroom and is spacious and bright, much better than my meager little world. Being the second child at home is really uncomfortable. My parents are biased!

I grumbled to myself as I waited for Yu. Logically speaking, my room isn't bad either. It has a TV, a computer, and a mini-fridge; it's not worse than a regular hotel room. I think it's because I'm too confused about the unknown that I want to vent but have no other way. However, I'm still very excited. After all, it's my first time!

Girls are slow to get ready! I leaned against the headboard and started to doze off while waiting.

Snap, snap. After two soft knocks, my bedroom door opened. Yu stood in the doorway, wearing ankle-length pajamas embroidered with Winnie the Pooh, tilting her head to look at me.

I immediately sat up straight on the bed, all sleepiness gone. Having known her for so long, this was the first time I'd seen Yu in just pajamas, and in such adorable pajamas at that. Although the pajamas were rather loose and childlike, they still accentuated Yu's budding figure in a way that stirred the imagination. The pajamas draped naturally along the curves of her body. And my gaze, intentionally or unintentionally, fell upon the bulge in Yu's chest. The loose pajamas made the semi-circular bulge less noticeable, but the hazy, indistinct beauty only made it more alluring.

I stared, my heart racing, blood rushing to my head, and a warm, slightly metallic taste in my nose. I completely forgot the greatness of the Creator. I could have a nosebleed while simultaneously feeling the engorgement and restlessness in my lower body. I was going to be unable to get out!

Yu was stunned for a moment, but quickly recovered, her face showing displeasure. She gave a coquettish scolding and came over with a pout.

"You big pervert!" Although Yu was displeased, she still took some tissues from the bedside table and wiped away the blood from my nose. There were also some bloodstains on the sleeves of her pajamas. I still keep that nightgown that makes my heart tremble in the rain, the one with the bloodstain on the right cuff from my first nosebleed with a woman. But now, all I can smell is the milky scent of shower gel and a young girl's unique fragrance lingering on Yu's hands.

As I drifted into these thoughts, Yu gently tapped me with her small hand and pushed me to the other side of the bed. She sat down where I had just been sitting.

"Hey, you big pervert, didn't you say you bought a good movie? What are you staring at me for?" Yu started twisting my arm, scolding me in a sweet voice. "Do you think you're stupid? I'm not a movie,"

I groaned, snapping out of my daze. I knew I had Yu wrapped around my little finger today.

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