hen

Seven years ago, on July 9th, I had just finished my college entrance exam. Emerging from the exam hall, amidst the crowded throng, I felt an unprecedented emptiness. An exam I had prepared for for years had ended so abruptly, like a dream. Everyone dispersed; the more impatient ones in the dorms started burning books, exam papers, and notes, leaving the corridors a mess.

I looked at the gloomy sky, aimless. I felt I had to do something; this weightless ease made me feel very uncertain about myself. A friend knocked on my door, inviting me to play soccer, but I felt this wasn't what I wanted to do. I opened the door of the boys' dormitory, riddled with holes from our soccer games, and slipped into the twilight like a ghost. I wandered the empty campus, a nationally renowned key high school, its grounds vast. I dragged my shoes along, scraping the ground, hoping something would happen to prove my existence beyond the exam. As I passed the small building covered in dense, green vines, I bumped into Xia Rong. I had no reason to run into her there. She was my deskmate in elementary school, but later attended a second-rate middle school. Due to family difficulties, she went to work as an apprentice in a factory after graduating from junior high. She was beautiful and flirtatious from a young age. I didn't understand how an elementary school girl could be so knowledgeable about matters between men and women at such a young age; I eventually attributed it to her natural talent. Before that, I was a completely immature child, indulging in games that were popular with teenagers. I occasionally had feelings for girls, but they were pure and innocent thoughts, my ideas limited to the area above the chest. That day, Xia Rong came to school to visit her, also my elementary school classmate, Liu Chang, who had been my classmate all the way to university. Liu Chang was a female scholar, always ranking first or second in her class. She and I were often mentioned by the teachers as role models for our classmates. Her presence put a lot of pressure on me. Every day when I entered the classroom, I would see her sitting in the first row, her small, delicate face serious and focused on her studies. My vanity wouldn't allow me to be inferior to her, so I had to restrain my playful nature and rely on my cleverness to keep up with her. Sometimes, I really disliked her. I secretly gave her a nickname behind her back: Little Hen. Probably because she was petite and proud, this nickname quickly became popular in the boys' dormitory. When Xia Rong saw me, or rather, when I saw Xia Rong, we were both surprised. I noticed she had grown increasingly beautiful, dressed very fashionably, her short skirt tightly hugging her full, slender figure, her two white legs straight and graceful. Walking down the street, I probably wouldn't have recognized her. After the college entrance exam, bored out of my mind, I noticed some of a woman's characteristics for the first time. Her overly bright eyes were also sizing me up, and then she cheerfully called me "Handsome Luo," asking if I was free to go with her to see Liu Chang. I was looking for something to do, so I obediently followed this pretty young factory worker. Little Hen was probably taking a shower and wasn't in the dormitory. The rest of the time was naturally my and Xia Rong's entertainment.

We went to a movie theater, sneaked in in the dark, and sat down to find we had couple seats—meaning there was no partition between the two seats. By then, all my body parts were quite well-developed, and the thing pressed against my body wasn't exactly decent, making it incredibly easy to go astray. I started out relatively well-behaved, pretending to watch the movie intently. Xia Rong leaned against me, her soft breasts gently rubbing against my burning torso. We were only separated by two thin layers of clothing. Through the gaps between the fibers, my skin could still clearly feel her smooth, elastic breasts. I continued to feign attentiveness to the screen, completely unaware of what was being shown; all my senses were focused on experiencing the woman beside me, purely physiologically. Then, halfway through the film, it inexplicably went blurry. When the scene returned to focus, a man and a woman were having sex on a bed. The man was thrusting powerfully, the woman moaning excitedly. This lasted for several minutes before they changed positions and continued. I suddenly realized that this was the essence and core of the movie; the preceding and following scenes were merely a smokescreen. For the first time in my eighteen years of life, I became somewhat shrewd. If my little brother wasn't hard at a time like this, it would only prove I wasn't a man. There was no need to hesitate; with a ready-made slut beside me, I excitedly began my first sexual experience. Xia Rong couldn't wait any longer. With darkness and no one around, she nimbly climbed onto my lap, her face towards me, creating an exciting and suitable angle between her genitals and mine. We safely and smoothly completed our intercourse in the pitch-black public movie theater. I guessed there were probably quite a few couples like us. With the understanding and support of the theater staff, we both enjoyed plenty of pleasure. Later, as Xia Rong and I casually walked out of the theater, keeping a small distance from each other, pairs of young men and women emerged from the darkness with the same expressions, smiling and friendly because of this shared secret.

Walking on the street as the lights came on, Xia Rong reached out to take my arm, but I quickly dodged, telling her I was still a middle school student and didn't want acquaintances to see. She curled her lip in disdain. I had already decided to treat my sexual partner with neither servility nor arrogance, but with proper respect and decorum. So I just smiled and apologized. When we were only a short distance from her house, which was relatively safe, I said goodbye. I walked alone on the road, whistling, feeling uncontrollably happy. I thought I had finally done something decent. My love for women and my disdain for them rose together at that moment. Later, similar emotions occurred many times. When I finally got what I had longed for, I stood in the face of reality, enjoying it while feeling disappointed. It was very late when I got back. I climbed over the iron gate and sneaked into the dormitory. That night, I slept more soundly than ever before.
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(II)

When I received the admission notice from L University, I was numb. This was expected. If even someone like me could fail the exam, then the number of people who could get into university must be pitifully small. I entered the institution of higher learning almost without any emotion. When I registered, looking at the smiling, silly, and adorably foolish classmates around me, and thinking that they would seriously learn bad habits in the future, I almost laughed out loud.

Once a person learns a skill, they will be itching to use it. Besides, it was ultimately a pleasant experience. But I didn't go to find Xia Rong, the factory worker; I looked down on her deep down. Although I should thank her for our initial collaboration. My female classmates were all naively innocent, and I didn't want to cause myself trouble. I seemed to have passed the age of fantasizing about girls; I was truly confused about how I had skipped that emotional hurdle. You know, if I hadn't met Xia Rong on the day after the college entrance exam, I would still be a naive young man. Perhaps it was because I wasn't good at smiling, and my gaze was cold and bright, making me stand out among the pile of peaches, that rumors spread that the girls were interested in me. Because I was indifferent to them all, they found me even more mysterious. I found it ridiculous and couldn't be bothered to pay attention.

Despite the presence of diligent and earnest students like Little Hen in the class, I finally revealed my heroic nature and calmly skipped classes for an extended period. I studied architecture, but I often spent my time in the library reading philosophy books. Everyone knows it's the most useless stuff; my overactive brain always seems to be searching for something to think about. I'm not trying to be profound or fool myself or girls; I'm genuinely trying to figure things out. I don't like acting without a stance. But I found it was damn difficult.

I couldn't keep things too tense, so I thought I should find a partner to have some fun with.

That's how I hooked up with Xiaobai.

Xiaobai was two years older than me, a very feminine nurse.

She'd gotten into a fight with some buddies out of loyalty and was badly injured, then secretly taken to a hospital near the school. The moment I opened my eyes, I saw Xiaobai's smile.

Xiaobai didn't have the affectation of a typical college student, nor the frivolity of a factory worker. She was always herself. That's my highest praise for a person. Xiaobai's simple attire and expression suited me perfectly. She wasn't particularly beautiful, but she felt very comfortable with me. Maintaining a close relationship with a woman like that was wonderful. In our somewhat lonely lives, we felt safe together.

By now, you should realize I've fallen in love with Xiaobai. Yes, that's true. Xiaobai's parents often live in other cities, and her younger brother is studying at a university in another province. So we often have opportunities to make love at her home without any pressure. Because I have deep feelings for Xiaobai, I feel very tender and loving when we make love, always wanting to make her feel the best. Sometimes, lying together on the soft, warm bed, the moonlight making the curtains shine brightly, we feel a little dazed, as if we're in a dream. Xiaobai rests her head on my body, murmuring softly, her long, fragrant hair coiling around my heart like a snake. I bury my head in her thick hair, feeling a pure and clean feeling of loving a woman.

One time, an accident resulted in Xiaobai getting pregnant. She told me the news with a smile and ease. I was actually quite flustered, but I put on a calm demeanor for my woman to reassure her. Although there could only be one outcome—miscarriage—I had feelings for her, so I didn't want her to be sad. I said, "I have to take responsibility for this life. If you want this child, I'll drop out of school and marry you. If you don't want it, I'll go to the hospital with you." Because of those words, Xiaobai fell completely in love with me. I accompanied her to another hospital for the surgery. Actually, I was well aware of the effect; I have to admit that women are sometimes easily fooled, and men are sometimes very selfish. After making love, Xiaobai would think of that pile of bloody, mangled embryos and call them our child. Then she would cry sadly and say she was sorry to the child. Only then did I truly understand a woman's maternal instinct. This maternal instinct is sometimes touching, sometimes foolish. In such situations, I usually tolerated and forced myself to listen to her absurd ramblings.
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(III)

In university, Xiaobai was as excellent and proud as ever. It was said that many boys were eager to pursue her. But I hadn't found anyone she had her eye on yet. Xiaobai usually kept to herself, making those horny boys extremely envious. For a while, Xiaobai went to another city for further studies, and my philosophical questions were still troubling me. One night, I hid alone in a relatively secluded grove on campus, wanting to be alone and quiet. I sat alone under the moonlight, like a lonely wolf gazing at the moon. I had so many questions about life and survival; such contemplation was often proven foolish and futile, and my anguish was profound. I looked up by chance and suddenly met the bright moon high in the sky. She was like an eye from beyond the mortal world, seeing right into the depths of my soul. As if struck by a blow, I was instantly lost in that seemingly affectionate yet indifferent eye, transcending time, completely forgetting myself. I seemed to have gained something, a sudden clarity. What kind of gain? I couldn't say; perhaps it was a Zen-like feeling of enlightenment. My chaotic emotions seemed to find some peace.

In this pleasant tranquility, I heard someone cry for help.

I ran towards the sound and saw a chaotic scene: a little hen lay face up on the grass, her clothes torn to large pieces, her white breasts, waist, and thighs protruding from the opening. Unable to catch the fleeing shadow, I quickly returned to the scene of the crime. To respect the little hen's usual reserve and pride, I wrapped her in my clothes, indicating I hadn't seen anything. I wondered if she had preserved her hymen. She seemed stunned, only staring blankly as I cleaned up the mess, as if the matter had nothing to do with her; she was merely a bystander. This expression instantly stirred a tender feeling within me. I knew this couldn't be publicized; her attire would surely cause her a lot of trouble back in the dorm. Those girls who envied her and the boys who coveted her were probably already waiting for this day. Human hearts are hard to fathom! I told her my thoughts, and she nodded blankly. So, under the cover of night, I took the little hen, wrapped in my clothes, to Xiaobai's house.

I used the key Xiaobai had given me to open the door. With Xiaobai gone, the house felt empty. I told the little hen to take a shower, and then I searched the closet for Xiaobai's clothes. Although the little hen was curious about the place I had brought her to, she wisely kept quiet and obediently did as I instructed. Little White's home, like her, was simple and gentle. After leaving the bathroom, the little hen regained her senses and gradually relaxed in this environment. She noticed Little White's close-up on the desk but didn't speak. I said, "If you feel better now, I'll take you back."

She became terrified again and shook her head vigorously. For a girl like the little hen, who had always had a smooth life and was used to being pampered, this must have been a huge shock. It was understandable that she didn't want to go back and face reality immediately.

I said, "Staying here is fine, but you should think carefully. I'm not a policeman; maybe I'm a wolf in sheep's clothing."

She suddenly smiled. This was the first time I had seen the little hen smile at me since we were elementary school classmates. I was used to her stern face, and this time it felt a little strange. Her smile was very charming; it turned out the little hen was indeed an outstanding girl. A wicked thought quickly flashed through my mind; I thought of Little White again.

It was getting late, so I told Little Hen to go to bed in the bedroom, and I took a blanket and slept on the sofa in the living room.

I was woken by the sunlight streaming through the window in the morning, and realized Little Hen had vanished without a trace. But she had left breakfast for me in the kitchen, and for the first time since Little White left, I ate breakfast.

Three days later, I lay in Little White's bed, lost in my daydreams. I like to lie in bed all day, lost in thought. I wondered if I could live a simpler life, free from those complicated, dangerous, and useless thoughts.

Little Hen arrived, carrying a huge pile of colorful meat, vegetables, and fruits, like a housewife.

It was almost dramatic. Watching Little Hen bustling around, I hesitated, wondering if I should send her away. As a victim of an accident, if this could help her distract herself from her negative emotions, perhaps it was a good thing. After thinking it over, I watched her work at Little White's house with my hands behind my back. It turns out women are born to do housework, even a proud girl like Little Hen is no exception.

Just as Little Hen and I were clinking glasses over a table laden with food, the door opened, and Little White appeared, looking travel-worn, carrying a travel bag. Seeing the warm, family-like atmosphere inside, Little White's smile was strained. No one knew what to say; all Little White saw was me having an intimate meal with a pretty girl in her house.

The only thing I could say was to ask Little White to get a bowl and chopsticks and join us.

Little White, being quite sensible, indeed got a bowl and started eating. Little Hen hurriedly shoveled down a few mouthfuls of rice and quickly excused herself. Of course, no one dared to stop her; she fled as if her life depended on it. It turned out that it was my birthday that day, and Little White had taken a day off to come back and reunite with me. Since turning eighteen, I've had a very vague concept of time, almost never celebrating my birthday, and I've been too lazy to even think about how old I really am. Women are perceptive, so Little White wanted to give me a surprise, and I ended up giving her a "surprise."

Little White was clever; she didn't even ask who the girl at the dinner was. She pretended nothing was wrong and continued sleeping with me, but during sex, I sensed she was preoccupied.

I've never liked explaining myself. If someone believes me, they won't doubt me; if they don't, explaining is useless and only adds to the charge of lying. Besides, Xiaobai and I have no legal right or obligation to demand any explanation from me, and the matter of the little hen shouldn't be publicized, so I said nothing.

Xiaobai left again to continue her studies. When she left, she seemed hesitant, wanting to say something but ultimately not saying it.

Looking at her like that, I secretly wanted to laugh. I felt that feelings are too fragile to withstand scrutiny.

From that moment on, my fantasies about women lessened a bit.

Each time the illusory emotions lessened, I saw others and myself more realistically. If I continued to analyze things so rationally, my tenderness towards Xiaobai would merely be an excuse for physical needs, just like my relationship with the young factory worker back then. Fortunately, everyone has a vulnerable, lonely, and aesthetic side, so when I held Xiaobai, I wasn't just holding a female body for venting.
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(IV)

My relationship with the little hen did not end there.

Women are the most unprincipled creatures. Even a murderer, if treated well, can inspire feelings in her. And for so-called saviors, they'll exaggerate, adorning them with a halo and placing them on a pedestal for worship. Perhaps women are born with religious inclinations, prone to wholeheartedly believing in something.

Inevitably, I became an idol in the little hen's eyes. And someone as habitually clever as her often makes foolish mistakes more often than the average person. She earnestly proposed a purely platonic friendship with me. I asked her to explain what a purely platonic friendship meant, and what an impure one was. She blushed, too shy to answer. I understood that the difference between pure and impure lies in the presence of sexual activity—from light acts like touching and kissing to more serious acts like intercourse. But is something purely platonic or impure if it's just fantasizing without actual action? Probably no one could answer that question. I ignored the little hen's request and walked away alone.

The little hen's affection for me, however, only grew stronger.

Perhaps it's true that beautiful women attract trouble, because as graduation and job assignments approached, the young woman encountered new problems.

I didn't spend much time at school, but my keen intuition told me that Secretary Xu, a man in his forties in charge of student assignments and Party and government affairs in the department, was a lecherous man. He often called female students to his office for heart-to-heart talks. The naive girls would honestly report their thoughts and insights on studying the Party Constitution, while he would smile and squint, carefully observing the girls in front of him, watching how their eyes, noses, and mouths vividly combined to create a variety of expressive faces. He didn't dare to do anything openly, only occasionally taking advantage of them, taking advantage of any opportunity to affectionately pat the girl's hand, shoulder, or back, but never daring to touch the place he most wanted to touch. This repression was vented every year during student job assignments. He ruthlessly exploited the students, and those who were disobedient and didn't offer generous gifts were all sent to bad places. Girls who were close to him and had more contact with him, and who gave him more money, were guaranteed a good job. The young woman, a top student, was a shoo-in for graduate school. But then, the son of a university leader suddenly appeared and competed with her. They had no other excuses, their only reason being that she was a girl, and her professor's research often required students to travel alone, so a male student was needed for peace of mind. This was a flimsy excuse, yet they brazenly presented it. What could the young woman, no matter how excellent, do? She had always loved studying and researching at school, so she went to Professor Xu, heartbroken, for help. Professor Xu happened to be home alone at the time. Seeing the young woman sitting before him, tears streaming down her face, he felt a pang of pity. His manhood began to stir, pointing directly at her. Of course, only Professor Xu knew the details; the young woman, innocent and naive, looked at him without knowing any of the nuances. Professor Xu said, "Look at you, crying so sadly. Come sit down and let me wipe your tears." Even the naive young woman, hoping to gain her leader's support and affection, realized this was an opportunity. She sat down next to Director Xu, sobbing like a wronged child. Director Xu grasped her delicate, white hand and gently wiped away her tears with a tissue. His hand, of course, didn't just touch her eyes; it also touched other parts of her face.

Even the slow-witted girl knew what this meant. After the attack in the grove, she was well aware of men's ugliness. But she cared too much about the guaranteed admission spot, so she suppressed her disgust and decided to accept Director Xu's "legal" contact. I wonder if she considered whether her relationship with Director Xu was purely platonic or not. After initial testing, Director Xu found her obedient. So he decided to keep this good girl in the department. Through his efforts, she finally got her wish and was recommended for graduate school.

After the decision was made, she came to me and cried her heart out, recounting the above events.

At the farewell dinner, all those young people who had entered university with silly smiles were now drinking desperately, feeling empty. Then, after drinking their fill, they burst into tears or curses. Those who hadn't succeeded in pursuing girls cried out their names, and those who had been given a hard time by Boss Xu cursed him. The place was a mess of cups and plates, and the guys were in complete chaos. I couldn't help but laugh. I breathed a sigh of relief; it meant I was no longer a student, and I would be just like everyone else, navigating society. Deceiving or being deceived for specific purposes. When it got too noisy, I slipped away and wandered alone on the campus of L University.

I went to the grove again, hoping for a moment of peace under the moonlight. However, I inadvertently saw a little hen being held tightly in Boss Xu's arms deep in the grass, and I quietly walked away.

At the same time I graduated, Xiaobai, who had undergone further studies, was promoted from nurse to pediatrician. While we were celebrating and drinking at her house, I looked at the woman opposite me and began to do some rational analysis. Because we were so familiar with each other, I had lost much of my interest in physical contact with her. As for the spiritual aspects, I realized that what I had previously admired as simplicity was mostly my own imagination. My Xiaobai wasn't much different from other women. She appears gentle and kind in most details, but in crucial moments, she always displays alertness and strength. She always holds tightly to what she believes is hers. Xiaobai once proudly told me how she beat out a junior nurse of similar qualifications to become Dr. Bai.

Listening, I found it tedious; reality is indeed rather bland. Since women are all similar, I didn't think I would hurt Xiaobai for any other woman. So we should naturally get married. But my thoughts are more complex; I don't easily compromise with my environment. I still crave a simple, genuine freedom. I don't want anything to force me to accept a numb life like everyone else. As my initial comfort in terms of human aesthetics, Xiaobai doesn't really understand me, though she never says so. I often sense her subtle observation and attempts to please me. I'm not such an extreme youth, so I tolerantly accept this scrutiny. Xiaobai has ample reason to do this. However, it doesn't benefit her. She should continue to skillfully play dumb; otherwise, in the end, she'll only discover that I've already lost interest in her. Because I'm lazy and kind, we can barely maintain this relationship.
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(V)

Due to my mediocre relationship with Leader Xu, I was assigned to a mediocre construction company in the city. After reporting to the unit, a bunch of middle-aged female colleagues immediately came to check on me. When they learned from me that I was still single, they all came to play matchmaker for me.

I didn't plan to leave this place, so I readily cooperated with the middle-aged women to go on blind dates. I was very shy in front of the women, often blushing and speechless, and the middle-aged women would tease me, saying that I was just an honest and upright scholar. If Xiaobai knew about my appearance, she would definitely think I was very humorous. My direct supervisor, Director Huang, patted me on the shoulder and said, "Young man, do a good job." I nodded excitedly, indicating that I would take the older comrades as my role models, not afraid of hardship or death, and bravely shoulder the heavy responsibility of the revolution. Director Huang found that I was very compliant and often assigned me tasks with a satisfied smile. My legs were constantly running. I wasn't trying to gain the trust of my superiors to climb the ranks; I did it because I'm kind and compassionate. I understand the plight of veteran comrades like Director Huang. For over a decade, he's driven by greed and shamelessness, abandoning all moral principles to achieve his current position. It wasn't easy for him to become a director. If his subordinates don't obey, how can he demonstrate his dignity and value as a leader? Wouldn't the price he's paid be too high? Under the sway of fate, we are all equally insignificant. As human beings, I think we should sympathize with each other. I often don't want to see others disappointed, so I try my best to meet his psychological needs as a unit leader.

One day, he looked at me with a kind, smiling expression, and I noticed he looked much older than his age. Director Huang, only in his early forties, had quite a few gray hairs. He said, "Young man, let me introduce you to someone. What do you think of Xiao Zhang from the office across the street?" Xiao Zhang, a vocational high school graduate, got her job at the company because her parents were long-time employees. Like many young women, she painted her face bright red and white, with trendy dark red or black lips. Her hair was dyed chestnut brown, and she wore tight, short, shiny tops and equally shiny, skinny trousers. The women in this city were very fashionable; they always kept up with the trends. Popular magazines, blockbuster movies, popular songs, and trendy clothes easily shaped their lives. If I hadn't worked with her, I probably would have had a hard time distinguishing her from a group of similar young women. To me, they were practically clones. I humbly suggested that young people should prioritize their work, although dating should be considered. So I agreed to get to know "Cloned Zhang" better.

Before I even had a chance to meet her, a little incident happened.

That day, near the end of the workday, I had a severe stomachache, so I rushed to the hospital to get some medication. As I left the hospital, I suddenly remembered I hadn't turned off the main power, and several machines might still be running idle. To avoid any potential safety hazards, I dutifully rode my bike back to the office. When I opened the office door, I witnessed a very erotic scene. Apparently, they hadn't expected anyone to appear at this time, so for their own pleasure, they were lying naked on the large desk where we usually worked on design drawings—a spacious area where they could happily have sex. My desk had become a dumping ground for men's and women's clothing; at that moment, Clone Zhang's pink bra and pale yellow panties were prominently displayed on top of those items. Director Huang's thin limbs and torso covered Clone Zhang's full, short, youthful body. His penis, probably still inside Clone Zhang's vagina, lifted his head from her body, his mouth agape like a toad, staring at me in disbelief. Everyone was surprised. I glanced at my watch instinctively. Unlike before, I didn't avoid the scene; I calmly observed it. The usually authoritative Director Huang was now caught red-handed in an affair—it must have felt incredibly satisfying. I was no longer the obedient, humble clerk. Like a hunter, I calmly surveyed my huddled prey beneath my gun, watching them plead with me. Five minutes later, I left, carefully closing the door behind me.

From that moment on, I held a spiritual command over Director Huang; wherever I was, he would be filled with dread.

Before he could find a reason to fire me, I proactively went to resign.

At his luxurious desk, I spoke the truth to him for the first time.

I said, "You don't need to be afraid. Many people are just like you, committing adultery, whether emotionally or physically. I won't look down on you for that. But you shouldn't seduce the young women in the office; it's risky. Young women these days are more complex than you imagine." She might accept your sexual favors and other substantial benefits, then go and sue you, putting your hard-earned position in jeopardy—that would be a real loss.

Because of my understanding and advice, Director Huang didn't let me leave immediately after I signed my resignation; he wanted to hear more from me. They're too repressed in officialdom, even though they often derive pleasure from bossing around their subordinates. He somewhat enjoys hearing the truth from me, provided we never see each other again.

I said, if you really can't stand it, you can use public funds to sleep with prostitutes at hotels. Those women have fixed prices, so it's much safer. They also have professional skills and will definitely satisfy you. As long as you're careful when you're with them, you generally won't get STDs. Director Huang stared at me like a toad again; my brilliant words must have struck a chord with him. They're actually quite pitiful because constantly scheming against others or being schemed against often makes their minds rather dark. Nobody is born a scoundrel; a scoundrel isn't something that's gradually cultivated, and it's certainly not a pleasant process.
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(VI)

Thus, I hastily pushed myself to the forefront of society, wandering the streets like those laid-off workers. Fortunately, when I had no food, I could still go to Xiaobai. She, as always, ate and slept with me earnestly. I laughed at her for not being ambitious, for not thinking of finding a richer lover, so that she wouldn't be paying me so much now. She just sighed and said that there was nothing she could do, she was truly devoted to me. I continued to laugh at her for lacking imagination about the current situation, didn't she see that even the most loyal things can't withstand the power of money these days? Xiaobai rolled her eyes at me and said not necessarily. Xiaobai's material desires weren't that strong yet, so she could still temporarily accept my unemployment.

One day, as usual, I was wandering the streets when a woman dressed elegantly leaned out of a BMW and greeted me. I never dreamed that I would see Xia Rong, the factory worker from back then, again. Although I didn't recognize any designer brands, all her packaging told me that she was a complete designer woman.

It turns out that feigning so-called elegance isn't too difficult. All you need is enough money as a background. Fortunately, I've almost lost interest in society and women, so seeing this little slut transform into a noblewoman didn't make me feel so desolate. Whatever, I don't care.

The noblewoman, Xia Rong, stepped elegantly from her car, attracting many stares. She invited me to her home.

Since I had nothing better to do, observing the lives of the wealthy and getting a little stimulation wasn't a bad idea. I comfortably sat in her car and went with her.

She drove into a small building in an upscale residential area; her home was very grand. I wondered how many people actually lived in the two-story garden villa. I didn't try to determine whether she had become rich through a sugar daddy or was already a wealthy woman herself; I thought other people's business was none of my concern. She seemed completely adapted to this refined and elegant life; in every detail, I couldn't detect the frivolity and vulgarity of the former factory worker. Humans are inherently adaptable animals; otherwise, how could we have evolved from apes to what we are today?

We sat down in the living room and drank coffee.

Xia Rong asked me how old I was. I calculated for a long time and realized I was probably twenty-six.

She then asked me how much savings I had. I didn't need to calculate; I knew the answer was zero.

She smiled easily and smugly, and I didn't feel embarrassed at all. If such stimulation could make me feel ashamed, I would have compromised with everyone long ago.

She still had a strong sex drive, and she recalled our sexual encounter years ago.

She said, "You might not believe it, but I liked you since elementary school. Back then, I didn't understand what made you different from other boys, but there was definitely something different. You must think I'm promiscuous, but you don't know that I was a virgin before that movie. I used to just play around with other people, never really. If it weren't for your emptiness at the time, you wouldn't have looked at me, so I gave myself to you as soon as I had the chance. I was very satisfied that day, although it hurt a little. I finally gave myself to the man I wanted to give myself to. I knew I wasn't good enough for you, and I didn't dare to come back to you. I didn't know that fate changes. Over the years, I've made a fortune by selling myself, and seeing you still a poor boy makes me really happy. It turns out that opportunities are always equal." If I wanted, I could laugh at you now just like you laughed at me back then. I thought you'd feel ashamed seeing me like this, but you're shameless, so poor you're completely at ease. If I gave you money, would you play with me? To be honest, I still kind of like you.

As she spoke, she began to undress, piece by piece. I watched her silently, saying nothing. When she was completely naked, she leaned against me, climbed onto my lap, and sat on me, in the same position as before. "If you take me today, I can give you 100,000," she said with a smile, pressing her breasts close to my face.

I began to gently caress her, very tenderly, which surprised her. Her breathing quickened, and her face flushed slightly. Creation had given her a beautiful body, which she had traded for wealth. Her body remained beautiful; on the surface, she had lost nothing and easily obtained what she wanted.

I gently stroked her body, filled with sorrow. I seemed to see her mother more than twenty years ago, cradling her beautiful, innocent baby girl, envisioning her future with the best of intentions. She had thought of everything, but the seeds of depravity always grow fastest. I caressed her high, firm breasts, sucking hard on her nipples. My hand slid down her chest, past her soft, firm, petite waist, her flat, sensitive, and elastic abdomen, then touched her rounded buttocks, their lines beautiful and delicate. My hand was incredibly nimble; she was already moaning with excitement, her body trembling slightly as she clung to me. When my hand reached her most sensitive spot, it was already soaked.

She desperately tore at my clothes, wanting direct sexual contact.

I unbuckled my belt, pulled out what she wanted from my crotch, and gave it to her. With each powerful thrust, she screamed with ecstasy. Her face held a bewildered, even tearful, pleasure. Perhaps such an expression truly reflects human emotion. We've always stood on the edge of life and death; sex has given us a taste of deathly bliss.

She was satisfied with my performance. After elegantly dressing again, she handed me a check, her expression full of contempt.

I laughed and pushed her hand away.

Now it was my turn to speak.

I said, "Xia Rong, you shouldn't have let me know the truth about that time. My conscience is bothering me. Our affair back then made me clearly see my own hypocrisy and shallowness. Before that, I really thought some people could be born sluts. So when I slept with you, I didn't treat you like a human being. I was wrong. Now I tell myself I should respect all women. This time, I treated you as a friend. I hope you're happy, otherwise I'll never have peace of mind for the rest of my life. I don't like owing people anything. I'll make up for what I owed you before this time, and after that, we have nothing to do with each other." While she was still holding the check, lost in thought, I walked out the door.

For some reason, I thought of Little Hen, wondering if she was sleeping in Boss Xu's bed right now. Then I thought about how all our dignity and pride were being eaten away little by little by invisible desires. I still persisted in my solitary contemplation.

I returned to Xiaobai's home. She was quietly waiting for me under the lamp, knitting.

I said, "Xiaobai, let's get married. Are you willing to marry a poor boy?"

She looked at me with surprise, and large tears streamed down her face.

I was genuinely moved. Perhaps I had been too harsh before; I should learn to appreciate and accept some things. I haven't been tolerant enough of life. I'm glad that I can now calmly appreciate the warm side of humanity.

Finally, Xiaobai and I lay legally on our wedding bed. She hugged me tightly and smiled happily: "After all these years, I've finally married you."

This was perhaps Xiaobai's ideal all along. A little woman's ideal.

And what about my ideal? To persevere in the mundane.

I know I will, so I slept peacefully.

(I)

Seven years ago, on July 9th, I had just finished my college entrance exam. When I came out of the exam hall, I felt an unprecedented emptiness in the crowded flow of people. An exam that I had been preparing for for years ended in a daze, like a dream. Everyone dispersed, and the more impatient people in the dormitory started burning books, exam papers, and notes, leaving the corridor in a mess.

I stared at the gloomy sky, utterly bored. I felt I had to do something; this weightless ease made me feel incredibly insecure. A friend knocked on my door, inviting me to play soccer, but that wasn't what I wanted to do. I flung open the door of the boys' dormitory, riddled with holes from our soccer games, and slipped into the twilight like a ghost. I wandered the empty campus, a nationally renowned key middle school, its grounds vast. I dragged my shoes along, scraping the ground, hoping something would happen to prove my existence beyond exams. As I passed the small building covered in dense, green vines, I bumped into Xia Rong. I had no reason to run into her there. She had been my deskmate in elementary school, later attending a second-rate middle school. Due to financial difficulties, she went to work as an apprentice in a factory after graduating from junior high. She had been beautiful and alluring since childhood. I couldn't understand how an elementary school girl could be so adept at matters between men and women at such a young age; I eventually attributed it to her natural talent. Before this, I was a completely immature, immature boy, obsessed with games popular with children. My occasional longing for girls was always pure and innocent, my thoughts confined to the area above the chest. That day, Xia Rong came to school to visit her elementary school classmate, Liu Chang, who had been my classmate all the way to university. Liu Chang was a bright girl, always ranking first or second in her class. She and I were often mentioned by teachers as role models for our classmates. Her presence put a lot of pressure on me. Every day, as soon as I entered the classroom, I would see her sitting in the first row, her small, delicate face serious and focused, diligently studying. My vanity wouldn't allow me to be inferior to her, so I had to suppress my playful nature and rely on my cleverness to keep up with her. Sometimes, I really disliked her. I secretly gave her a nickname behind her back: "Little Hen." Perhaps because she was petite and proud, this nickname quickly spread throughout the boys' dormitory. When Xia Rong saw me, or rather, when I saw Xia Rong, we were both quite surprised. I noticed she had grown increasingly beautiful, dressed very fashionably, her short skirt tightly hugging her full, slender figure, her two white legs long and shapely. Walking down the street, I probably wouldn't have recognized her. After the college entrance exam, bored out of my mind, I noticed certain characteristics of women for the first time. Her overly bright eyes were also sizing me up, and then she cheerfully called me "Handsome Luo," asking if I was free to go with her to see Liu Chang. I was just looking for something to do, so I obediently followed this pretty young factory worker. The little hen (a nickname for a woman) was probably taking a shower and wasn't in the dormitory. The rest of the time was naturally my and the factory worker Xia Rong's own business.

We went to a movie theater, sneaked in in the dark, and sat down to find we were in a couple's seat—meaning there was no space between the two seats. All my parts were quite well-developed at that time, and the thing pressed against me wasn't exactly respectable; in this situation, it was very easy to go astray. At first, I was relatively well-behaved, pretending to watch the movie attentively. Xia Rong leaned against me, gently rubbing her soft breasts against my burning body. We were separated by only two thin layers of clothing. Through the gaps between the fibers, my skin could still precisely detect her smooth, elastic breasts. I pretended to be intently watching the screen, completely unaware of what was being filmed; all my senses were focused on experiencing the woman beside me, a purely physiological experience. Then, halfway through the film, it inexplicably went blurry. When the camera returned to focus, a man and a woman were having sex on a bed. The man was thrusting powerfully, and the woman was moaning excitedly. This lasted for several minutes before they changed positions and continued. I suddenly realized that this was the essence and core of the movie; the preceding and following scenes were merely a smokescreen. For the first time in my eighteen years, I felt a bit shrewish. If my little brother wasn't hard at a moment's notice, it would only prove I wasn't a man. There was no need to hesitate; a ready-made slut was beside me. I excitedly began my first experience. Xia Rong couldn't wait any longer. With darkness and no one around, she nimbly climbed onto my lap, her face towards me, creating an exciting and opportune angle between her genitals and mine. We safely and smoothly completed our sexual intercourse in the pitch-black public movie theater. I suspect there were quite a few couples like us. With the understanding and support of the theater staff, we both enjoyed ourselves immensely. Later, as Xia Rong and I casually walked out of the theater, keeping a small distance from each other, pairs of young men and women emerged from the darkness with the same expressions, all smiling and friendly because of this shared secret.

Walking down the street as the streetlights came on, Xia Rong reached out to take my arm, but I quickly dodged, telling her I was still a middle school student and didn't want acquaintances to see us. She curled her lip in disdain. I had already decided to treat my sexual partner with neither servility nor arrogance, but with proper manners. So I just smiled and apologized. When we were only a short distance from her house, which was relatively safe, I said goodbye. I walked alone on the street, whistling, feeling an uncontrollable sense of joy. I thought I had finally done something decent. My love for women and my disdain for them rose together at that moment. Later, similar emotions occurred many times. When I finally obtained the things I had longed for, I stood before reality, enjoying them while simultaneously feeling disappointed. It was very late when I returned. I climbed over the iron gate and sneaked into my dormitory. That night, I slept more soundly than ever before.
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(II)

When I received the admission notice from L University, I was numb. This was expected. If even someone like me could fail the entrance exam, then the number of people who could get into university must be pitifully small. I entered the university almost without any emotional involvement. When I registered, looking at my classmates—all smiles and endearingly clueless—and imagining them later turning into serious troublemakers, I almost burst out laughing.

Once you learn a skill, you get itchy to use it. Besides, it's a fun thing to do. But I didn't go to see Xia Rong, the factory worker; I looked down on her to the core, even though I was grateful for our initial collaboration. My female classmates were all naively innocent, and I didn't want to cause myself trouble. I think I'm past the age of having infatuated thoughts about girls; I'm a bit confused about how I skipped that emotional hurdle. You know, if I hadn't met Xia Rong on the day after the college entrance exam, I would still be a naive young man. Perhaps it's because I'm not good at smiling, and my gaze is cold and bright, making me stand out in the crowd, that rumors spread that the girls were interested in me. Because I was indifferent to them all, they found me even more mysterious. I found it ridiculous and couldn't be bothered to pay attention.

Despite having diligent and earnest students like Little Hen in my class, I finally revealed my true colors and calmly skipped classes for an extended period. I studied architecture, but I often spent my time in the library reading philosophy books—everyone knows that's the most useless stuff. My overactive brain always seemed to be searching for something to think about. I wasn't trying to appear profound or fool myself or girls; I was genuinely trying to figure things out. I don't like acting without principles. But I found it was damn difficult.

I couldn't keep things too tense, so I thought I should find a buddy to have some fun with.

That's how I hooked up with Xiaobai.

Xiaobai was two years older than me, a very feminine nurse.

She'd gotten into a fight with some buddies out of loyalty and was badly injured, secretly taken to a hospital near the school. The moment I opened my eyes, I saw Xiaobai's smile.

Xiaobai didn't have the affectation of a female college student, nor the frivolity of a factory worker. She was always herself. That's the highest praise I can give someone. Xiaobai's simple attire and expression suited me perfectly. She was only of average looks, but she felt very comfortable with me. Maintaining an intimate relationship with a woman like her was wonderful. In our somewhat lonely lives, we felt safe together.

By now, you should realize I've fallen in love with Xiaobai; yes, that's true. Xiaobai's parents often lived out of town, and her younger brother was studying at a university in another province. So we often had opportunities to make love at her home without restraint. Because of my deep feelings for Xiaobai, I felt very tender and loving when we made love, always wanting to make her feel the best. Sometimes, lying together on the soft, warm bed, the moonlight illuminating the curtains, we felt a little dazed, as if we were in a dream. Xiaobai would whisper softly, her long, fragrant hair coiling around my heart like a snake, and I would bury my head in her thick hair, feeling a pure and clean feeling of loving a woman.

One time, an accident resulted in Xiaobai becoming pregnant, and she told me the news with a smile and ease. I was actually quite flustered, but I put on a calm demeanor for my woman to reassure her. Although there could only be one outcome—a miscarriage—I had feelings for her, so I didn't want her to be sad. I said, "I have to take responsibility for this life. If you want the child, I'll drop out of school and marry you. If you don't want it, I'll go to the hospital with you." Because of this, Xiaobai fell completely in love with me. I accompanied her to another hospital for the surgery. Actually, I knew the effect very well; I have to admit that women are sometimes easy to fool, and men are sometimes very selfish. After making love, Xiaobai would think of that mangled embryo and call it our child. Then she would cry sadly and say she was sorry to the child. Only then did I truly understand a woman's maternal instinct. This maternal instinct is sometimes touching, sometimes foolish. In this situation, I usually tolerated and forced myself to listen to her absurd ramblings.
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(III)

In university, Xiaobai was as excellent and proud as ever. It was said that many boys had designs on her. But I haven't found anyone she's taken a fancy to yet. The little hen usually keeps to herself, making those fuzzy peaches incredibly envious. For a while, Xiaobai went out of town for further studies, and my philosophical questions continued to trouble me. One evening, I hid alone in a secluded grove on campus, wanting some peace and quiet. I sat alone under the moonlight, like a lonely wolf gazing at the moon. I had so many questions about life and survival; such contemplation was often proven foolish and useless. My anguish was actually quite profound. I looked up by chance and suddenly met the bright moon high in the sky. She was like an eye from beyond the mortal world, seeing right into the depths of my soul. I felt as if struck by a blow, instantly lost in that seemingly affectionate yet indifferent eye, transcending time, completely forgetting myself. I seemed to have gained something, a sudden clarity. What kind of gain? I couldn't say. Perhaps it was a Zen-like feeling of enlightenment. My chaotic emotions seemed to find some peace.

Just in this pleasant tranquility, I heard someone calling for help.

I ran towards the sound and saw a chaotic scene. The little hen lay face up on the grass, her clothes torn to large pieces, her white breasts, waist, and thighs protruding from the opening. Unable to catch the fleeing shadow, I quickly returned to the scene. To respect the little hen's usual reserve and pride, I wrapped her in my own clothes, indicating I hadn't seen anything. I wondered if she had preserved her hymen. She seemed stunned, only staring blankly as I cleaned up the mess, as if the matter had nothing to do with her; she was merely a bystander. This expression instantly stirred a tender feeling within me. I knew this couldn't be publicized; her appearance back in the dorm would surely cause her a lot of trouble. Those girls who envied her and the boys who coveted her were probably already waiting for this day. Human hearts are hard to fathom! I told her my thoughts, and she nodded blankly. So, under the cover of night, I took the little hen wrapped in my clothes to Little White's house.

I opened the door with the key Xiaobai gave me. With Xiaobai gone, the house felt empty and quiet. I told Little Hen to take a shower, and then I searched the closet for Xiaobai's clothes. Although Little Hen was curious about the place I'd brought her to, she wisely kept quiet and obediently did as I instructed. Xiaobai's home, like her, was simple and gentle. After leaving the bathroom, Little Hen regained her senses and gradually relaxed in this environment. She noticed a close-up of Xiaobai on the desk but didn't speak. I said, "If you feel better now, I'll take you back."

She became terrified again and shook her head vigorously. For a girl like Little Hen, who had always had a smooth life and was used to being pampered, this must have been a huge shock. It was understandable that she didn't want to go back and face reality immediately.

I said, "You can stay here, but you should think carefully. I'm not a policeman; maybe I'm a wolf in sheep's clothing."

She suddenly smiled. This was the first time I'd seen Little Hen smile at me since we'd been elementary school classmates. I was used to her stern face, and this suddenly felt a little strange. She had a captivating smile; it turned out Little Hen was indeed a remarkable girl. A wicked thought flashed through my mind, and I thought of Little White again.

It was getting late, so I told Little Hen to go to bed in the bedroom, and I took a blanket and slept on the sofa in the living room.

I was awakened by the sunlight streaming through the window in the morning, only to find that Little Hen had vanished as if into thin air. But she had left breakfast for me in the kitchen, and for the first time since Little White left, I ate breakfast.

Three days later, I lay in Little White's bed, lost in my daydreams. I like to lie in bed all day, letting my mind wander. I wondered if I could live a simpler life, free from those complicated, dangerous, and useless thoughts.

Little Hen arrived, carrying a huge pile of colorful meat, vegetables, and fruits, like a housewife.

It was almost dramatic. Watching Little Hen bustling about, I hesitated, wondering if I should send her away. As a victim of an accident, if this could distract her from her negative emotions, perhaps it was a good thing. After thinking it over, I stood with my hands in my pockets, watching her work at Little White's house. It turns out women are born to do housework, even a proud girl like Little Hen is no exception.

Just as Little Hen and I were toasting a table laden with food, the door opened, and Little White appeared before us, looking travel-worn, carrying a travel bag. Seeing the warm family atmosphere inside, Xiaobai's smile was forced. No one knew what to say; all Xiaobai saw was me having an ambiguous meal with a pretty girl in her house.

The only thing I could say was to ask Xiaobai to get a bowl and chopsticks and join our meal.

Xiaobai, being quite sensible, indeed got a bowl and started eating. The little hen hurriedly shoveled a few mouthfuls of rice and quickly said goodbye. Of course, no one dared to stop her; she fled as if escaping. It turned out that it was my birthday that day, and Xiaobai had specially taken leave to come back and reunite with me. Since turning eighteen, my sense of time has been very vague; I've almost never celebrated my birthday, and I've been too lazy to even wonder how old I really am. Women are perceptive, so Xiaobai wanted to give me a surprise, and I ended up giving her a "surprise."

Xiaobai was clever; she didn't even ask who the girl at the meal was. She pretended nothing was wrong and continued sleeping with me, but during sex, I sensed she was preoccupied.

I've never liked explaining; if someone believes me, they won't doubt me; if they don't, explaining is useless and only adds to the accusation of lying. Moreover, Xiaobai and I had no legal right or obligation to demand any explanation from her, and the matter of the little hen was not suitable for public discussion, so I said nothing.

Xiaobai left again to continue her studies. When she left, she seemed hesitant to speak, wanting to say something but ultimately not saying it.

Looking at her like this, I secretly wanted to laugh. I felt that feelings were too fragile to withstand scrutiny.

From that moment on, my fantasies about women lessened a bit.

Each time the illusory emotions lessened, I saw others and myself more realistically. If I continued to analyze things so rationally, my tenderness towards Xiaobai would merely be an excuse for physical needs, just like my relationship with the young female worker back then. Fortunately, everyone has a vulnerable, lonely, and aesthetic side, so when I held Xiaobai, I wasn't just holding a female body for venting.
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(IV)

My relationship with the little hen did not end there.

Women are the most unprincipled creatures; even a murderer, if treated well, can develop feelings. As for so-called saviors, they would exaggerate their fame, adorning them with halos and placing them on a pedestal for worship. Perhaps women are born with religious inclinations, prone to wholeheartedly believing in something.

Inevitably, I became an idol in the young hen's eyes. And someone as clever as her often makes foolish mistakes than the average person. She earnestly proposed a purely platonic friendship with me, and I asked her to explain what a purely platonic friendship was and what an impure one was. She blushed, too shy to answer. I understood that the difference between so-called pure and impure was whether there was sexual activity involved, ranging from light things like touching and kissing to serious things like intercourse. If it's just fantasizing without actual action, is it pure or impure? Probably no one could answer that question. I ignored the young hen's request and walked away alone.

The young hen's affection for me only grew stronger.

Perhaps it's true that beautiful women attract trouble, because as graduation and job assignments approached, the young hen encountered new problems.

I didn't see it much when I was in school, but my keen intuition told me that Secretary Xu, a man in his forties in charge of student placements and Party and government affairs in the department, was a lecherous man. He often called female students to his office for heart-to-heart talks. The naive girls would honestly report their thoughts and insights on studying the Party Constitution, while he would smile and squint his eyes to carefully observe the girls in front of him, watching how their eyes, noses, and mouths vividly combined to create a variety of expressive faces. He didn't dare to do anything openly, only occasionally taking advantage of them by patting their hands, shoulders, or backs affectionately when the opportunity arose, but he never dared to touch the places he most wanted to touch. This repression was vented every year when students graduated and were assigned jobs. He ruthlessly exploited the students, and those who were disobedient and didn't offer generous gifts were all sent to bad places. Girls who were close to him and had more contact with him, and if they gave him more money, were guaranteed a good job. Little Hen had always had excellent grades and was originally a sure bet for postgraduate studies, but at the last minute, the son of a certain school leader came along and competed with her. They had no other excuse; their only reason was that the young woman was a girl, and her supervisor's research often required students to travel alone, so they felt more comfortable having a male student. This was a flimsy excuse, yet they brazenly brought it up. What could the young woman, no matter how talented, do? She had always loved studying and researching at school, so she ran to Director Xu, heartbroken, for help. At the time, Director Xu was home alone. Seeing the young woman sitting before him, tears streaming down her face, he felt a pang of pity. His manhood began to stir, pointing directly at her. Of course, only Director Xu knew the full story; the young woman, innocent and naive, was oblivious to these details. Director Xu said, "Look at you, crying so sadly. Come sit down and let me wipe your tears." To gain her supervisor's support and warmth, even the naive young woman realized this was an opportunity. Like a wronged child, she sat down beside Director Xu, sobbing. Leader Xu grasped her delicate, white hand and gently wiped away her tears with a tissue. His hand didn't just touch her eyes; it also touched other parts of her face.

Even the slow-witted young woman understood what this meant. After the previous encounter in the grove, she was well aware of men's ugliness. But she cared too much about the guaranteed admission spot, so she suppressed her disgust and decided to accept Leader Xu's "legal" contact. I wonder if she considered whether her relationship with Leader Xu was purely platonic or not. After initial testing, Leader Xu found her obedient. So he decided to keep this good girl in the department. Through his efforts, she finally got her wish and was recommended for graduate school.

After the decision was made, she came to me and cried her heart out, recounting the above events.

At the farewell dinner, all those young people who had entered university with such naive smiles were now drinking desperately, feeling empty. Then, after drinking their fill, they burst into tears or curses. Those who hadn't succeeded in pursuing girls cried out their names, and those who had been given a hard time by Boss Xu cursed him. The place was a mess of cups and plates, and the guys were in complete chaos. I couldn't help but laugh. I breathed a sigh of relief; it meant I was no longer a student, and I would be just like everyone else, navigating society, deceiving or being deceived for specific purposes. When it got too noisy, I slipped away and wandered alone on the campus of L University.

I came to the grove again, hoping to find a moment of peace under the moonlight. However, I inadvertently saw a little hen being held tightly in Boss Xu's arms deep in the grass, and I quietly walked away.

At the same time I graduated, Xiaobai, who had undergone further studies, was promoted from nurse to pediatrician. As we celebrated and drank at her home, I looked at the woman across from me and began to analyze things rationally. Because we knew each other so well, I had lost much of my interest in physical intimacy. As for the spiritual aspect, I realized that what I had previously admired as simplicity was mostly my own imagination. My Xiaobai wasn't much different from other women. She was gentle and kind in most details, but in crucial moments, she was always alert and strong. She always held tightly to what she believed belonged to her. Xiaobai once proudly told me how she beat out a junior nurse of similar experience to become Dr. Bai.

Listening to her, I felt bored; reality was indeed rather bland. Since women were all more or less the same, I didn't think I would hurt Xiaobai for any other woman. So, we should naturally get married. But my thoughts were more complex; I wasn't easily swayed by circumstances. I still wanted a simple, genuine freedom. I didn't want anything to force me to accept the same numb life as everyone else. As my initial comfort in terms of human aesthetics, Xiaobai didn't really understand me, but she never said it. I could often sense her subtle observation and flattery of me. I'm not such an extreme youth, so I tolerantly accepted this kind of examination. Xiaobai had enough reasons to do this. However, doing so didn't do her any good. She should continue to skillfully play dumb, otherwise, in the end, she would only find that I had already lost interest in her. Because I'm lazy and relatively kind, we can still barely maintain this relationship.
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(V)

Due to my mediocre relationship with Leader Xu, I was assigned to a mediocre construction company in the city. After reporting to the unit, a bunch of middle-aged female colleagues immediately came to care about me. When they learned from me that I was still single, they all came to play matchmaker for me.

I didn't plan to leave this place, so I readily cooperated with the middle-aged women to go on blind dates. I was very shy in front of the women, often blushing and speechless, and the middle-aged women would tease me, saying that I was just an honest and upright scholar. If Xiaobai knew my disguise, she would definitely think I was funny. My direct supervisor, Director Huang, patted me on the shoulder and said, "Young man, keep up the good work." I nodded excitedly, indicating that I would take the veteran comrades as my role models, fearless of hardship and death, and bravely shoulder the heavy responsibilities of the revolution. Director Huang found that I was easily swayed and quite obedient, and often assigned me tasks with a satisfied smile. My legs were constantly on the go. I wasn't trying to gain the leader's trust to climb the ranks; I did this because I was kind and compassionate. I understood veteran comrades like Director Huang, who had lowered the valve of conscience to the lowest level for promotion and wealth, shamelessly risking their lives for over ten years, and it wasn't easy for them to become a director. If their subordinates didn't obey, how could they demonstrate their dignity and value as leaders? Wouldn't the price they paid be too high? Under the sway of the ignorance of creation, we are all equally humble, and as human beings, I think we should sympathize with each other. I often don't want to see others disappointed, so I try my best to meet his psychological needs as a unit leader.

One day, he looked at me with a kind, smiling expression, and I noticed he looked much older than his age. Director Huang, only in his early forties, had quite a few gray hairs. He said, "Young man, let me introduce you to someone. What do you think of Xiao Zhang from the office across the street?" Xiao Zhang, a vocational high school graduate, got her job at the company because her parents were long-time employees. Like many young women, she painted her face bright red and white, with trendy dark red or black lips. Her hair was dyed chestnut brown, and she wore tight, short, shiny tops and equally shiny, skinny trousers. The women in this city were very fashionable; they always kept up with the trends. Popular magazines, blockbuster movies, popular songs, and trendy clothes easily shaped their lives. If I hadn't worked with her, I probably would have had a hard time distinguishing her from a group of similar young women. To me, they were practically clones. I humbly suggested that young people should prioritize their work, although dating should be considered. So I agreed to get to know "Cloned Zhang" better.

Before I even had a chance to meet her, a little incident happened.

That day, near the end of the workday, I had a severe stomachache, so I rushed to the hospital to get some medication. As I left the hospital, I suddenly remembered I hadn't turned off the main power, and several machines might still be running idle. To avoid any potential safety hazards, I dutifully rode my bike back to the office. When I opened the office door, I witnessed a very erotic scene. Apparently, they hadn't expected anyone to appear at this time, so for their own pleasure, they were lying naked on the large desk where we usually worked on design drawings—a spacious area where they could happily have sex. My desk had become a dumping ground for men's and women's clothing; at that moment, Clone Zhang's pink bra and pale yellow panties were prominently displayed on top of those items. Director Huang's thin limbs and torso covered Clone Zhang's full, short, youthful body. His penis, probably still inside Clone Zhang's vagina, lifted his head from her body, his mouth agape like a toad, staring at me in disbelief. Everyone was surprised. I glanced at my watch instinctively. Unlike before, I didn't avoid the scene; I calmly observed it. The usually authoritative Director Huang was now caught red-handed in an affair—it must have felt incredibly satisfying. I was no longer the obedient, humble clerk. Like a hunter, I calmly surveyed my huddled prey beneath my gun, watching them plead with me. Five minutes later, I left, carefully closing the door behind me.

From that moment on, I held a spiritual command over Director Huang; wherever I was, he would be filled with dread.

Before he could find a reason to fire me, I proactively went to resign.

At his luxurious desk, I spoke the truth to him for the first time.

I said, "You don't need to be afraid. Many people are just like you, committing adultery, whether emotionally or physically. I won't look down on you for that. But you shouldn't seduce the young women in the office; it's risky. Young women these days are more complex than you imagine." She might accept your sexual favors and other substantial benefits, then go and sue you, putting your hard-earned position in jeopardy—that would be a real loss.

Because of my understanding and advice, Director Huang didn't let me leave immediately after I signed my resignation; he wanted to hear more from me. They're too repressed in officialdom, even though they often derive pleasure from bossing around their subordinates. He somewhat enjoys hearing the truth from me, provided we never see each other again.

I said, if you really can't stand it, you can use public funds to sleep with prostitutes at hotels. Those women have fixed prices, so it's much safer. They also have professional skills and will definitely satisfy you. As long as you're careful when you're with them, you generally won't get STDs. Director Huang stared at me like a toad again; my brilliant words must have struck a chord with him. They're actually quite pitiful because constantly scheming against others or being schemed against often makes their minds rather dark. Nobody is born a scoundrel; a scoundrel isn't something that's gradually cultivated, and it's certainly not a pleasant process.
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(VI)

Thus, I hastily pushed myself to the forefront of society, wandering the streets like those laid-off workers. Fortunately, when I had no food, I could still go to Xiaobai. She, as always, ate and slept with me earnestly. I laughed at her for not being ambitious, for not thinking of finding a richer lover, so that she wouldn't be paying me so much now. She just sighed and said that there was nothing she could do, she was truly devoted to me. I continued to laugh at her for lacking imagination about the current situation, didn't she see that even the most loyal things can't withstand the power of money these days? Xiaobai rolled her eyes at me and said not necessarily. Xiaobai's material desires weren't that strong yet, so she could still temporarily accept my unemployment.

One day, as usual, I was wandering the streets when a woman dressed elegantly leaned out of a BMW and greeted me. I never dreamed that I would see Xia Rong, the factory worker from back then, again. Although I didn't recognize any designer brands, all her packaging told me that she was a complete designer woman.

It turns out that feigning so-called elegance isn't too difficult. All you need is enough money as a background. Fortunately, I've almost lost interest in society and women, so seeing this little slut transform into a noblewoman didn't make me feel so desolate. Whatever, I don't care.

The noblewoman, Xia Rong, stepped elegantly from her car, attracting many stares. She invited me to her home.

Since I had nothing better to do, observing the lives of the wealthy and getting a little stimulation wasn't a bad idea. I comfortably sat in her car and went with her.

She drove into a small building in an upscale residential area; her home was very grand. I wondered how many people actually lived in the two-story garden villa. I didn't try to determine whether she had become rich through a sugar daddy or was already a wealthy woman herself; I thought other people's business was none of my concern. She seemed completely adapted to this refined and elegant life; in every detail, I couldn't detect the frivolity and vulgarity of the former factory worker. Humans are inherently adaptable animals; otherwise, how could we have evolved from apes to what we are today?

We sat down in the living room and drank coffee.

Xia Rong asked me how old I was. I calculated for a long time and realized I was probably twenty-six.

She then asked me how much savings I had. I didn't need to calculate; I knew the answer was zero.

She smiled easily and smugly, and I didn't feel embarrassed at all. If such stimulation could make me feel ashamed, I would have compromised with everyone long ago.

She still had a strong sex drive, and she recalled our sexual encounter years ago.

She said, "You might not believe it, but I liked you since elementary school. Back then, I didn't understand what made you different from other boys, but there was definitely something different. You must think I'm promiscuous, but you don't know that I was a virgin before that movie. I used to just play around with other people, never really. If it weren't for your emptiness at the time, you wouldn't have looked at me, so I gave myself to you as soon as I had the chance. I was very satisfied that day, although it hurt a little. I finally gave myself to the man I wanted to give myself to. I knew I wasn't good enough for you, and I didn't dare to come back to you. I didn't know that fate changes. Over the years, I've made a fortune by selling myself, and seeing you still a poor boy makes me really happy. It turns out that opportunities are always equal." If I wanted, I could laugh at you now just like you laughed at me back then. I thought you'd feel ashamed seeing me like this, but you're shameless, so poor you're completely at ease. If I gave you money, would you play with me? To be honest, I still like you a little.

As she spoke, she began to undress, piece by piece. I watched her silently, without saying a word. When she was completely naked, she leaned against me, climbed onto my lap, and sat on me, in the same position as before. "If you take me today, I can give you 100,000," she said with a smile, pressing her breasts close to my face.

I began to gently caress her, very tenderly, which surprised her. Her breathing quickened, and her face flushed slightly. Creation had given her a beautiful body, which she had traded for wealth. Her body remained beautiful; on the surface, she hadn't lost anything and had easily obtained what she wanted.

I gently caressed this body, filled with sorrow. I seemed to see her mother more than twenty years ago, holding a beautiful, pure baby girl in her arms, envisioning her future with the best of intentions. She had thought of everything, but the seeds of depravity always grow fastest. I caressed her high, firm breasts, sucking hard on her nipples. My hands slid down her chest, past her soft, firm, petite waist, her flat, sensitive, and elastic abdomen, then touched her rounded buttocks, their lines beautiful and delicate. My hands were incredibly nimble; she was already moaning with excitement, her body trembling slightly as she hugged me. When my hand reached her most sensitive spot, it was already soaking wet.

She frantically tore at my clothes, wanting direct sexual contact.

I unbuckled my belt, pulled out what she wanted from my crotch, and gave it to her. With each powerful thrust, she screamed with ecstasy. Her face held a bewildered, even tearful, pleasure. Perhaps such an expression truly reflects human emotion. We had always stood on the edge of life and death; sex allowed us to experience the ultimate bliss of death.

She was satisfied with my performance. After elegantly dressing again, she handed me a check, her expression full of contempt.

I smiled and pushed her hand away.

Now it's my turn to speak.

I said, "Xia Rong, you shouldn't have let me know the truth about that time. My conscience is bothering me. Our affair back then made me clearly see my own hypocrisy and shallowness. Before that, I really thought some people could be born sluts. So when I was with you, I didn't treat you like a human being. I was wrong. Now I tell myself I should respect all women. This time, I treated you as a friend. I hope you're happy, otherwise I'll never have peace of mind for the rest of my life. I don't like owing people anything. I'll make up for what I owed you before this time, and from now on, we have nothing to do with each other." While she was still holding the check, lost in thought, I walked out the door.

For some reason, I thought of Little Hen, wondering if she was sleeping in Boss Xu's bed right now. Then I thought about how all our dignity and pride are being eaten away little by little by invisible desires. I still persisted in my solitary contemplation.

I went back to Xiao Bai's house. She was quietly waiting for me under the lamp, knitting a sweater.

I said, "Xiao Bai, let's get married. Are you willing to marry a poor boy?"

She looked at me with surprise, and large tears fell down her cheeks.

I was actually a little moved. Perhaps I've been too harsh before; I should learn to appreciate and accept things more. I haven't been tolerant enough of life. I'm glad I can now calmly appreciate the warm side of humanity.

Finally, Xiaobai and I lay legally on our wedding bed. She held me tightly, smiling happily: "After all these years, I've finally married you."

This has probably always been Xiaobai's ideal. A young woman's ideal.

And what about my ideal? To persevere in the ordinary.

I know I will, and I slept peacefully.

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