Brother's Lover

7. Expressing my feelings again
I have several suitors, one of whom is my boss, Mr. A. He's more than ten years older than me, very well-off, divorced, and has two sons and daughters. My parents don't really like him, but I don't care. I won't refuse him as long as he asks me out.
I moved into another social circle, and my relationship with my brother ended there and I put it out of my mind.
I was dragging my feet on things with A, not taking it seriously, because he wasn't the one I considered my soulmate. My brother's marriage hit the rocks in less than two years. On my father's birthday, my sister-in-law wasn't there, and I could tell from his eyes that something was wrong. At the banquet, he kept glancing at me, as if he had many things on his mind to confide in me. While I was in the restroom, he followed me, saying he had something to tell me. Rationally, I should stay out of it; emotionally, however, I couldn't let go.
After the party, we agreed to meet at a nearby hotel lounge to talk. He poured out his unhappy marriage, and I just listened, not wanting to get any more involved in his emotional turmoil. When the lounge closed, he suggested we rent a room to continue our conversation.
Do you think I don't know what he wants? He wanted me to spend the night with him, to fill the emptiness in his body and soul. He was lonely, haggard, and pitiful. He begged me to give him a night of comfort, but I hardened my heart and refused him.
I said, "That's not right!"
He said, "I'm sorry, I know this is wrong, but..."
I said, "I'm just concerned about you as your sister, don't think about anything else."
He didn't continue.
Actually, it's not that I don't want a man to spend long nights with me. He was indeed a good partner in bed, a good lover. I haven't forgotten his kisses and caresses, the real feeling of his thing inside me. But now, I'm no longer that thirteen or fourteen-year-old girl who could be coaxed into bed with just a few words. Our relationship is long over.
Soon after, he started calling me frequently, asking to meet up. I always went, actually because I wanted to know how his unhappy marriage had ended. He eventually got divorced, but he couldn't even win custody of his son. He was devastated.
His marriage failed, and I don't know whether I should be happy or unhappy. Because my affair with him was bound to end sooner or later. It's perfectly reasonable for my brother to find someone, get married, and start a family. I've picked myself up and am now seeing him again as a brother and sister.
So, I found myself caught between two men. With A, we shared romance, fine wine, and delicious food; with my brother, we remained friends even after parting ways, and we got along quite well. Unexpectedly, our entanglement wasn't over, and one day I found myself back in his arms.
8. Continuing the previous relationship
It was late at night when my brother, completely drunk, stumbled into the door. I never let him come to my house, but he was so drunk that I had to help him in and let him lie down on my bed to rest. As I took off his shoes and loosened his tie, he took the opportunity to hug me and mumbled that his marriage had completely failed, and he should have known it would turn out this way. It was his fault, because the one he loved most was me, but reality wouldn't allow siblings to be together; it was fate playing tricks on him.
Fueled by alcohol, he tore my nightgown, pushed me onto the bed, and kissed me wildly.
He said, "Forgive me! Let's start over, let me make up for what I've done to you..."
But I remember the days when he neglected me, and I said, "I can't be summoned and dismissed at will. I'm not willing to be a substitute in love, someone to fill the void when you're in a relationship."
I remember being neglected by him, and I also recall the sweet memories of nestling in his chest and cradling him in his arms. The emptiness in my heart was left behind because he left me. He came back and filled it.
The drunk man would argue with me, and even my body wouldn't cooperate. If I used a little more force, I could break free from his grasp. But I didn't do that. I just verbally protested, but my legs went weak, and he easily spread them apart. He could tell at a glance that what I said and what my body was doing were two different things.
For four years, I wanted to prove that I could live happily without him. I had a stubbornness and resentment in my heart, as if he had abandoned me. But seeing him so lost and depressed, I felt that I had punished him enough, and my heart softened. We started making love again, more tenderly than ever before.
He said, "I love you." He also said that he would love me forever and would never leave me.
For the first time in a long time, I heard him say "I love you" to me. His loving touch melted my frozen body and fossilized heart. He understood love better than ever before, and I felt that only he could make me a truly satisfied and happy woman. I surrendered because I had gotten back what I wanted most.
He said, "I knew all along that you still love me."
I said, "Who would love a faithless person like you?"
He said, "But you still love me."
His thighs rubbed and intertwined with mine. His real thing connected our two bodies into one.
I said, "Go deeper...go deeper..."
He sent his love to the depths of my soul.
When we got tired from making love, I fell asleep in his arms.
The next day, we took the day off work and spent the whole day making love in bed. At noon, we got dressed, went out to eat something, and when we returned to the bedroom door, we kissed passionately again, took off our clothes, got back into bed, and did it all over again.
He prepared a long speech for me, telling me to believe that I was the person he loved most. He didn't need to say it; I already believed him. But women always love to hear these things. Years ago, I expected him to say something like that to me, but I never did. Now he finally did, and although it was late, I accept it all.
After some twists and turns, we're back together. What obstacles stand between us besides our familial bond?
At first, they were innocent young lovers, recklessly loving without ever thinking about the future. As they grew older, things became more complicated. They didn't know how to face it, and couldn't manage it. Breakups are painful, but there was no other choice. The pain of separation and the breakdown of marriage make us cherish the days we spend together even more.
My brother started talking to me about love. He studied psychology in college and used it to analyze his love for me. He said incest is abnormal, and people should look outward and find partners. My abnormal relationship with you filled me with guilt, and to avoid further despair, I got married quickly, only to realize I made a mistake. He said the person I truly love is you. I confessed this to you and will no longer run away. I won't give up until you tell me yourself that you no longer love me. Even then, I cannot love another woman.
I said, "So what if we love each other? Can we be together? What about your guilt?"
He said, "We are all adults and must be responsible for our actions. We must bear the consequences of our own deeds."
Back then, I planned to spend my life with him, only to regret his heartlessness. I asked myself, between my brother and Mr. A, who would I rather marry?
9. Cohabitation
My roommate and I don't interfere in each other's private affairs, and she doesn't know who stayed in my room that night.
After that, my brother and I met at the hotel several times, but it was never convenient. When I suggested moving in with him, he was overjoyed. However, I had one condition: we would maintain our own social lives. That is to say, I would continue dating A. Five days a week would be his, and two days would be A's.
He agreed to live with me without hesitation.
At the beginning of our cohabitation, it felt like a honeymoon, with plenty of intimacy and pleasure. However, normal life can't be all about lovemaking every night. With work pressures, household chores, and caring for elderly parents, we soon became like any other couple, leaving early and returning late, cooking and doing laundry. After getting used to sharing a bed, we no longer felt like lovers, but more like siblings. Our words and actions naturally revealed what's called a married couple's resemblance. Many people could tell we were a couple, but we weren't; we were just siblings living together.
我們對爸爸媽媽說，為了省開支，住在一起。是是一個很子的藉口。在他們面前，我們特別小心，克意的抑制自已，不要在他們面前過份親熱。我們合資賣了一層樓做愛巢，有兩間房子，外表中我們各有自己的睡房，給爸媽和來訪的少數親友看的。其實，我們只需要一張床。我們沒有請菲傭，連鐘點女傭也沒請，為免洩露秘密。
他對我和ａ君的關係是頗為敏感的。每個禮拜，會和ａ君約會一兩次，通常是週末，有時只是公事的應酬。他總是抱怨我太晚回家，而且要調查約會的每一個細節。我故意氣他，說成很浪漫，很享受似的，惹起他的醋意。悄後，他就會在床上顯示實力，叫我好受，向我證明他比ａ君更會調情，是個更佳的情人。
我和ａ君的約會，好像和情人幽會一樣，對在家?等著我回去的哥哥像欠了他什麼的，所以任由他在床上擺佈我，做愛時多加幾分騷勁媚態，作為補償。這竟然成為我期待的好節目。
ａ君對我與哥哥同居的關係懞然不知，我從不讓他進入我們的房間。他對我們住在一起沒有疑心，只不過覺得這個哥哥對妹妹管束太嚴，太放心不下。ａ君年齡較長，人生閱歷不淺，對我體貼非常，苛護備至。他追逐在我裙下，使我這個還算是青春、標緻的女孩子可以作為我的感情生活的交待。哥哥卻是個性情中人，喜歡藝術，有生活情趣。和他在一起，浪漫寫意，是我真正的滿足和快樂。
這樣，我週旋在兩個都愛我的男人之間，又和哥哥過著形同夫妻一樣生活，是我最稱意的日子。
１０．下嫁ａ君
我的青春很快消逝，爸爸媽媽年紀漸大。爸爸有了心臟病，所以常常催我出嫁。媽媽對我說，兄妹雖然是親人，也但不能一輩子這樣住在一起，要為自己下半生打算。
她話?有話，這樣苦心，我們不能不尊重她的意思。
為了這個問題，我和哥哥討論不休。掙扎了幾個月，最後做了個痛苦的決定──我們不能永遠這樣生活下去。我們的關係總會有一天給人揭露，我們怎樣向爸爸媽媽交待呢？這四年多的同居生活，是我們最快樂的日子。捨不得，但快樂的時光很快消逝。我們向現實低頭，下嫁那追了我五、六年的ａ君。
像其他夫妻一樣，我曾和哥哥談過要不要生孩子的問題。
我問他想不想要生個孩子，他說：「已經有了個兒子。我們的感情，不用生個孩子來維繫。孩子更會做成障礙，因為我們始終不能正式結婚，就不能給孩子正常的家庭生活。」因此，他不要我懷孕。
但是，當我快要嫁出去時，就不怕懷孕了。決定出嫁的日期之後，我就不吃避孕丸了。我們為這日子倒數，每晚，他都要和我做一場愛，每次都是全力以赴的。他說，要我永遠記得和他做愛是怎樣的，而且記住，他是我最好的性伴侶。
婚後不久，就驗出有喜了。八個多月後就生了個兒子。
我很清楚，腹中塊肉是哥哥的。當我告訴他懷了他的孩子時，他十分歡喜，為他這個外甥買了很多衣服用品。爸媽樂極了，因為哥哥的兒子歸由前妻照顧，他們失去弄孫之樂。我的孩子會在他們身邊。ａ君雖不是第一次當爸爸，但中年得子，也很開心。
哥哥雖然把我嫁了出去，還想「保留」和我上床的權利，我沒有答應他。從前，和他同居的日子，我沒有和ａ君上過床；現在，ａ君做了我的丈夫，我也不想他戴綠帽子。
可是，我太軟弱了，有一晚回娘家吃飯，喝了點酒。ａ君有應酬，趕不及來接我，哥開車送我回家，在車子?，他強把我摟在懷?親我。我沒有反抗，任他脫去我的內褲和鬆開我的胸圍，肆意地愛撫我的乳房和私處。他把車開回我們從前的愛巢。
我只和兩個男人做過愛。兩個之中，只有哥哥可以把我帶到性愛的高潮。哥哥最懂得和我擦出情慾的火花，落在他手?，教我如何抗拒他？
沒錯，他仍然愛著他，才會藕斷絲連。之後，為了和哥哥幽會，我們安排了各種藉口和機會。我們是兄妹的關係，本來就是親人，要幽會，就有不少方便，我們一起出現在某些場合，在也不怕給人「誤會」。
我極力鼓勵丈夫多上大陸做生意。丈夫不在家的日子，我就可以回到從前的愛巢去，在那?偷歡。週末回娘家更是最好的藉口。放下女兒讓外公外婆看著，就可以和哥哥相聚，做個熱辣辣的愛，在床上赤裸裸的相擁一個下午，聽他訴說對我的愛情。
這個週未的約會，風雨不改，是我一個禮拜所期待著的日子。
１１．終成美眷
哥一直沒再結婚，他常討我喜歡的說，我們實際上已經結了婚。雖然把我嫁給別人，但仍有和我做愛的權利，不用找別的女人解決性的需要。他樂意做我的黑市情人，從前我是他的後補情人，現在輪到他做我的兼任丈夫。我可以同時有兩個男人，兩個都愛我。他說，我們擺平了。
幾年後，爸爸心臟病發而死。我和ａ君結婚不到十年，他患了肺癌，我盡了妻子的責任服侍他，直至他離世。他給我的遺產夠我和女兒一輩子生活。ａ君前妻所生的兒女都結婚了。孩子大學到加拿大留學，我和哥哥變得沒有牽掛，於是搬回我們的愛巢去，下半生好做個伴兒。
媽媽知道了，也沒說什麼話。她仍住在的舊式公共房屋，要爬樓梯，年紀大了，上落不便，我們建議要接她和我們同住。我們把一個房間讓出來給她，她竟然一口就答應了。二十多年來，我們心頭都有一個結，就是怕她不體諒我們的關係。她搬過來和我們生活，等於默認了我們的關係。
媽媽搬進來的第一天，我們請她上坐，奉上清茶一杯。她喝了，掏出兩個紅封包給我們，說是她搬進來給我們的意頭。那天晚上，媽媽下廚，弄了一桌美味的家常菜。我們一家人又住在一起了，和從前一樣。飯後，我們陪她老人家一起看了一陣電視，她叫我們累了就先休息。
哥哥隨著我回到我們的睡房。門關上之後，我們不禁相擁抱，深深的互吻。我想起了從前在房?和哥哥偷情時提心吊膽，生怕給媽媽「捉姦在床」的情景。哥哥二話不說，就來脫去我的衣服。
我說：「不要。媽媽他在外面看電視囉！」
他說：「門關了，她看不見的。」
我說：「哥哥和妹妹談戀愛，不害羞麼？」
他說︰「所以我們不能讓人家知道。」
我說：「媽媽知道了怎辦？」
他說：「我們做的時候輕聲點，她就不會知道的了。」
我說：「還未厭嗎？」
他說︰「是啊！趁現在未看厭，快給我看個飽。」
哥哥不放過我，硬要「欺負」我。我故作矜持，忸忸怩怩的。我這嬌忸的姿態，把他逗得滿身熱辣辣。他的指頭的撫觸和濕潤的熱吻，又使我的春心蕩漾起來。我給壓倒在床上，雙腿又麻又軟，合不起來，給他分開了。他回復旺盛的精力，那話兒像少年時那樣堅挻，把我插得死去活來。我們好像當年，他十六歲、我十四歲，在木版間隔的房間?，初試雲雨。
他說，永遠都愛我。
我說：「永遠太久了。」
他說：「就愛到八十歲吧！」
我說︰「你還能嗎？」
他說，不能做還是一樣愛我……
我們都已中年了，很多這個年紀的夫婦，性生活都淡然無味，甚至可有可無了。我們的性生活一直都維持著，但也歸於平淡。想不到媽媽和我們同住，可以刺激我們床笫之間的樂趣。
親友們對我們兄妹的親密關係蜚短流長已久，我們從來都不理會。在朋友之中，我們是對兄妹，一個喪夫、一個離異，彼此照顧。夫妻的名份對我們來說，是無關重要的。相愛的人不一定要結為夫婦。我們一起成長、相戀，經過風浪的考驗，又曾各自婚嫁過，沒有什麼可以把我們分開的了。
二十多年了，我們走過的路，都瞞不過媽媽的眼睛。今時今日，當年在外面同居，她沒反對；今日和我們同住，算是承認我們的關係。他說，有些前世的冤孽，要今世來償還的。
１２．後記
I wrote these things down not to encourage incest. Not every sibling couple falls in love; many are more distant than friends. Some may have feelings for each other, but never have the chance to develop them into a relationship. Those who don't understand might think we've succumbed to lust and committed moral transgressions. We've also felt guilt for causing my brother to leave me and find someone else. Finally, we let go of our adult hypocrisy and dared to love and be loved; only then did we understand who our true love was.
I'll stop here. I don't need to use these words to justify myself, nor am I advocating incest. Many lovers in the world are unable to be together due to various obstacles and setbacks. Some are bound by the norms of morality and etiquette, which cannot be changed or transgressed. Besides lamenting the cruel twist of fate, one can actually cultivate a space in their heart, a place where they can roam freely. As long as you make up your mind, you will find a way out!
May all lovers in the world be united in marriage, just like my lover and I.

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