Sleeping pills in the library

I'm truly someone who'll stop at nothing to achieve my goals, but can I really be blamed? My past miserable life taught me that "every man for himself" truly leads to "divine retribution." No one remembers your cowardly kindness; they'll only be grateful for your overwhelming kindness. To completely possess her body, I took the risk.

It was also that night in the library. Back then, our library had those coin-operated coffee machines. I diligently made her a cup of coffee. Because coffee is bitter, I thought it would mask the taste of estazolam. I brought it to her in the study room. Without any suspicion or hesitation, she quickly drank it all, only saying that the coffee was a bit bitter. I was secretly delighted and sat beside her, waiting for the drug to take effect. Sure enough, she soon said she felt dizzy. I knew how potent estazolam was; it could impair judgment and memory. I helped her out of the study room, and we went back to our usual secret meeting corner in the library.

She was getting increasingly dizzy, but thankfully the dosage was just right; she didn't vomit or faint. I started groping her, kissing and touching her all over her body. She was still wearing jeans, which made it difficult to take them off, but I still pulled them down to her ankles and pulled down her underwear. Because it was dark in the corner and we were in a public place, I didn't dare make any noise for fear of people passing by. This time, I started to sexually stimulate her more forcefully, constantly rubbing her breasts and vulva. Her vulva was completely exposed, and after I finished touching her, I could clearly hear the sound of water! This time, she offered no resistance whatsoever, completely submitting to me and cooperating with me. She seemed quite excited, as if her desire had reached its peak. I seized the opportunity, having her sit on the steps, spreading her thighs to expose her vulva. I touched her vaginal opening, which was already overflowing with fluid after my prolonged caresses. At this point, I also took off my pants, pulling my underwear down to my ankles, and was surprised to find that my previously rock-hard penis had softened. I had no idea why, and found it unbelievable. We had once masturbated each other in this corner, and my penis hadn't gone soft after ejaculation; she had to masturbate me again before I ejaculated. Why was it suddenly soft this time? I was a little scared, afraid I wouldn't be able to penetrate, so I decided to try before my penis was fully erect. I kissed her, and somewhat nervously straightened my penis, aiming it at her vaginal opening, ready to insert. But to my utter dismay, I ejaculated at that moment, something that had never happened before. I was extremely disheartened, ashamed, and regretful; I was incredibly depressed. Watching this great opportunity slip away, there was nothing I could do. It was already past 9 pm, the library was about to close, and I wouldn't be able to get an erection again anytime soon. I dressed her, helped her up, and took her back to her dorm. She wasn't completely unconscious, just dizzy and disoriented on the way.

Later, reflecting on this unsuccessful attempt at drugging her, I realized I was probably too nervous, and being in a public place made me hesitant. Fear, worry, excitement, and prolonged foreplay had drained my energy, causing premature ejaculation. Outdoor sex is exciting, but you have to be realistic.

Regret is regret, but there's no going back. Even if you can't accept reality, you have to accept it.

Does this incident also illustrate the saying "a guilty conscience needs no accuser"? Doing bad things requires strong mental fortitude, at least I do.

The next day, we talked on the phone. She said she was still dizzy and didn't even know how she got back to her dorm and into bed last night. She seemed to have discovered something and even said, "Should we call the police?" I was startled and lied, saying it might be food poisoning and I should observe her further. The next evening, she finally recovered, and we went to the library again. We talked about what happened the night before. She seemed to have noticed what I had done, but she didn't say anything explicitly or blame me. She just asked if we had slept together. Out of a desire to conquer, I lied and said yes. She was very angry, really angry this time. She turned to leave, but I quickly grabbed her and comforted her, saying no, I was lying. Then I soothed her with kind words, saying that I really wanted her, but I wouldn't take advantage of her while she was unconscious. In short, I said some high-sounding things that even I didn't believe.

A man's words are deceitful; everything a man says when he wants to have sex with a woman is for the purpose of having sex with her—a golden rule.

Sometimes I wonder, where did that devoted, affectionate, and pure-hearted boy go? How could he treat the girl he loved like this? Not seeking forever, only wanting to have it all—when did I become so selfish? I think it's mainly because my unforgettable love for Li Yuan changed me so much, destroyed me, and reshaped me; the old me was completely buried.

After starting university, I gradually accepted the relationship views of my dorm's "scumbags": a relationship without sex is incomplete; what matters most is your own satisfaction; don't think so much about others, just be comfortable.

Eileen Chang said, "The vagina is the passage to a woman's soul," and I wholeheartedly agree.

[The End]

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