Liu Xiahui, a graduate student

When I was in graduate school, two of the three people in my dorm graduated, leaving me alone. I quickly got used to doing homework and being affectionate (through our clothes) together in the dorm every night. Whoever got sleepy would lie down on the bed for a while and take a nap, while the other would tiptoe in and out, trying not to disturb the other's sleep. After waking up, we would continue doing homework, and I would take her back to her dorm around midnight. One

ordinary day, she woke up, saw that it was past midnight, and decided not to get up. She pulled the covers over herself, said she wouldn't go back that night, and went back to sleep. I wasn't particularly surprised at the time, because I was already used to being together late at night. I brushed my teeth, washed my face, and crawled under the same covers, and that's when I felt a little uneasy. This was twelve years ago! Unlike now. Back then, holding hands while walking on campus had just gained legal status without punishment; even putting your arm around her waist wasn't allowed.

Remembering his usual boastful pronouncements about lust, I felt I couldn't continue lying side-by-side, so I turned over and put an arm under her neck. She immediately turned back, and we embraced tightly. The subsequent kisses and caresses were familiar occurrences. After a while, feeling I should be more than usual, I unbuttoned her shirt and, for the first time, slipped my hand inside her bra. I pretended to try to unbutton the back of the bra, but couldn't. I intended to use this obstacle to stop the process, but she unbuttoned it herself, so for the first time, I took her breast in my mouth (not counting breastfeeding as a baby).

Next, I moved my hand from behind her buttocks to between her legs. Her legs clamped together for a moment before relaxing. Then, I gradually pulled down her trousers and panties, and she cooperated fully.

For the first time, I inserted my fingers into the wet, warm labia; it felt soft and indistinguishable. (Back then, China didn't have the internet, so there was no way to download clear pictures of vaginas for self-study. Around that time, ARPA in the US was starting to invest in research on transitioning the internet from university systems to commercial systems.) She hugged my neck tightly, her body gently twisting, one hand gradually moving to my hard penis, gently stroking it through my underwear, occasionally trying to grasp it.

At this point, there was no turning back; I could only follow the natural course of things and see where it led. So I pulled down my own underwear, rolled over, and pinned her beneath me, gradually spreading her legs.

My penis touched her vulva naked for the first time. I steeled myself, prepared to accept all the consequences (including dropping out of school, being locked up, even getting married because of pregnancy…etc.). My driving force was to maintain the image of a lecherous man; I absolutely could not back down at the last minute. I was young and impetuous back then; under immense psychological pressure, I managed to remain erect.

I was too embarrassed to use my fingers to find her opening, and too embarrassed to use my penis to find it. Because intercourse, especially with a virgin, should be a natural interaction of the genitals, a natural progression, and using your hand to help is considered vulgar.

But my penis kept slipping on her vulva, and I couldn't get a good grip. I held her for a while, then mounted her again, this time lifting my hips slightly.

I felt like I was getting a good push, and I could get a good grip. I gently pushed a couple of times, but it didn't work; it seemed like the position was still wrong. At this point, I realized that this couldn't go on forever. I started considering whether to use my hand to find the opening or to pull her hand onto my penis and ask her to guide me.

Before I could figure out which method was less vulgar, she whispered in a slightly trembling voice, "I don't want to anymore."

Wow! What a timely pardon! In this battle of wills, I finally prevailed. It was she who called the halt, not me. She didn't have to have an abortion or be expelled from school, and I wasn't trapped by her hymen, abortion, or expulsion. I could retreat gracefully.

I'm still a lecherous and strong man, but I cherish women and would never force the one I love to do something she's not ready for just to satisfy my own lust. I will restrain myself, wait patiently, and be safe with her. Wow! How noble I am!

I hugged her tightly, pressed my face against her long hair, and waited for my penis to soften—I was controlling my lust while simultaneously expressing my love… When I woke up the next day, she was already gone. The breakfast she had bought for me was in the cupboard, but I hadn't noticed it. When I saw her again at noon, she acted as if nothing had happened, showing no remorse for what she had done, nor the dejected look of a loser.

[The End]

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Liu Xiahui, a graduate student

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