The story with my mentor

"He actually slept with his wife behind my back, I'm devastated..."

I'm 24, a graduate student, and he's 20 years older than me. My advisor and he were classmates, which is how we met. After we got to know each other, he provided a lot of help with my studies, internships, and future career planning. He pursued me for six months, and then we got together. The reason we didn't divorce before getting together was a mutual agreement. His reasons were: he and his wife had been together for 22 years, and he still loved her; he had a child, and he wanted to give the child a complete family; he was getting older and his health wasn't good, so he couldn't take care of me for long; he felt my life was just beginning, and I should spend the rest of my life with someone who could accompany me, and at the appropriate time, he would step back into his role as a teacher to continue protecting me. My reasons were: I love him, but I don't want to hurt his family; the age gap between us is indeed too large; I've already fallen in love, and I just want to be with him every day, I don't care about anything else.

Although I don't understand why he loves his wife while loving me, I'm certain he loves me, and he can meet all my needs while maintaining his own family, a fact I've sensed through our long-term interactions. Most people would think that I'm with someone my age either for fame or money, but I genuinely love him as a person, it has nothing to do with money. In the two years we've been together, I've only spent less than 20,000 yuan of his money, mostly on rent. We lived together most of the time. I'm not bad-looking, and I've never lacked suitors. I even rejected an investor who offered me a sugar daddy arrangement at an exhibition. I chose him simply because I love him. Apart from his age, he's my ideal type. This continued until this year, when his wife discovered signs of his infidelity. I also discovered that he and his wife had sex in March. It's not that I don't want him to have sex with his wife, but before we got together, he told me that his wife was very resistant to sex after giving birth, and they hadn't had sex for a long time. I repeatedly emphasized to him that if he and his wife had normal sex life, he couldn't touch me anymore, and we would go back to our original relationship. I was devastated when I found out. He had promised so readily, but he chose to hide it… I take this very seriously. Even though everyone will criticize me for deserving it, I just can't accept it. For the past three months since I found out, he's been trying to explain: "I don't know why she suddenly took the initiative," "She's my wife, I couldn't push her away," "I was thinking about you the whole time." We're still not separated; we exchange messages infrequently on WeChat. Although he gets anxious seeing me like this and tries to comfort me, I keep making a scene, and he hasn't given up on me. But his overall life hasn't changed much; he spends time with his wife and children as usual. My life, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. I wanted to just let it go, consider it a case of being cheated on in a relationship, and start a new life, but I'm in agony every day. I can't understand how someone can love two people at the same time, and I especially can't understand why he lied to me. I repeatedly told him that if something happened, he had to tell me. After discovering they were having sex, I kept thinking about all sorts of scenes of them having sex, even dreaming about it. In short, after discovering their sex, I completely changed. Several times I felt that living was too painful. After calming down, I wondered if I had gone crazy… I can't get out of my current predicament at all, and completely cutting off contact is impossible. I still need his help with my research, but I want to find a way out. What should I do?

------

You are a very scheming girl. You said a lot of seemingly silly things, but essentially you're selling your body to get a master's degree. You're only after a degree, and the old man is only after your young body. He won't divorce or break up his family. Why can't he have sex with his wife? On the contrary, you're the one who knowingly became a mistress and then pretended to be one—you're incredibly hypocritical. Aren't you afraid that one day the old man's wife will cause trouble at your school and force you to drop out? Even the professor who introduced you will be caught in the crossfire, and people will say that academia is more chaotic than the entertainment industry. I really advise you not to treat an old man half-buried in the ground like a fool. What if he turns around and bites you one day? You'll have been taken advantage of for the past two years.

So how do you solve this problem? You need to understand that even love, or rather, feelings, come in many different forms. Not all kinds of love can be compatible, if handled carefully. For example, your mentor friend, who is probably a professor, is experiencing two kinds of love simultaneously. One is love for his wife and family—a love of responsibility, a love of friendship. They've been together for 22 years; you can imagine they've been through a lot. They're still together, bound by multiple ties of finances and family. Sex plays a relatively minor role in this kind of friendship-based love. Your love for him is passionate. You're beautiful, charming, radiating youthful energy and passion. These are things a 46-year-old, unhealthy university professor envies and needs. What attracts him is definitely your "sexual charm." In terms of life communication and understanding, you certainly don't understand him as well as his wife, and you're not as adept at navigating the darkness of human nature and the harsh realities of society as she is. You are innocent and naive, which is your charm, and also your naiveté—naive enough to make him infatuated with you.

You love both, and want to possess both. However, the love of friendship lasts longer, while passionate love fades with time. The passion between people follows a pattern, peaking at three months and declining significantly after an average of two years. Sex and love are important bonds and means in this relationship. Of course, your desire to be together, watch movies, and plan the future like a couple is all part of building this romantic love. You're working hard, after all, this is your romantic love. However, for this university professor, his biggest feeling is fear. Because if he can't find a balance, his current peaceful and stable life will be destroyed. If it is destroyed, will you still be together? If he gets divorced, would you consider being with him? Even if you are together, will you be happy? Can you really withstand the scorn of society? A university professor often needs to maintain a respectable life; after all, as a teacher, the moral standards are very high. He tries his best to love you and maintain your relationship because he doesn't want you to ruin his life. So why did he and his wife suddenly become passionate again? Perhaps his wife has discovered your presence, but instead of making a scene by catching you in the act, she's quietly rekindling their passion, ultimately attracting her husband back. Another possibility is that they've reached an agreement: the man doesn't want things to escalate later and hopes you'll back off, while his wife wants you to stop interfering in their lives. Their friendship is strong enough to resist a "third party." However, how they reached

this agreement is hard to say. Once they rekindle their sexual connection, they'll have an even stronger bond, and you'll be gradually pushed back. Perhaps it's this sense of defeat that makes you unwilling to give up, unable to let go. But is it truly a failure? Will living in the present guarantee a future? While living in the present is a good philosophy, you also need to consider the future. What kind of partner do you want? What kind of love do you want? Can he provide that? If not, can you wisely choose to turn away and find someone new? Life might be giving you a chance to correct this experience of love.

[The End]

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The story with my mentor

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