Flowers in Winter - Chapter Two

She messaged me on WeChat: "Sorry to bother you so late, are you resting yet?" It wasn't actually late, only 10:30. She asked out of politeness. I was momentarily distracted. What did she want to message me at this hour? Was it just casual conversation or was there something important? If it was casual conversation, that would be great—a mature woman alone at home, feeling lonely, chatting with me would be a wonderful feeling. If it was something important, I guessed it was probably about tutoring. I was a little worried and anxious that she might say her son had found a suitable tutor and she didn't need to bother me anymore, which would ruin my chance to shine. And the key point was that I hadn't really exchanged much with her; she could easily delete me afterward.
I thought about not replying to her right away and waiting to see if she would message me again. If she didn't send anything, I figured it was probably just casual chatting. If she wanted to send something specific, she would continue messaging, giving me some breathing room. It was like she was in the open while I was in the shadows. Plus, I controlled when to reply, so I held the initiative.
I kept my eyes glued to my phone, waiting for her to message me again. Sure enough, she replied, "I forgot to mention today, my son needs to work on his English. I need to find a tutor, someone good at English, otherwise I might end up with the wrong one. Sorry to bother you." I was a little disappointed. Clearly, she wasn't just chatting because she was lonely; she genuinely had something to say. But this was part of my plan. I had already thought about this earlier, but I hadn't mentioned it then, deliberately leaving it open. Whether I asked or she brought it up, it increased the chances of conversation. Even now, I was still fantasizing that she just wanted to chat and had simply found a suitable topic; I even hoped that she had thought about this during the day and had deliberately left it unsaid to make it easier to chat with me later. Sigh, I was overthinking things. My imagination was running wild.
I got out of bed to wash my face and clear my head before lying back down. A few minutes later, I replied to her WeChat message: "Sorry, I was taking a shower. I just saw your message. I'll get dressed now." I didn't directly answer her question about which subject I was taking tutoring for. I wanted to give her some time to message me again. At this point, I wanted to say less and let her talk more so I could observe her. By saying I was taking a shower, I was giving myself an excuse for delaying, making myself seem clean, and also implying that I was naked, thus prompting her to imagine what I looked like.
She quickly sent another WeChat message: "It's okay, put on some clothes first, don't catch a cold." A few minutes later, I replied on WeChat: "I was careless today. I only said I would help you contact classmates for tutoring, but I forgot to ask what subject it was. I'll just ask around for classmates who can tutor you in English." She replied with a thank you, and I simply replied that I was welcome. After waiting for a while, she didn't send any more messages, so I didn't want to keep making small talk.
At this point, I opened my WeChat Moments and typed a message: "Looking for someone in Xi'an to tutor middle school students in English. Those with high English proficiency or tutoring experience will be given priority. Salary to be discussed." This post was visible only to Guo Xueyan, and a few minutes later, I noticed that she had liked it.
Whether this post on WeChat Moments will actually be useful is unknown. On one hand, many classmates have lost contact since high school graduation. Although many were added on WeChat, some were deleted over time, reducing the number of potential contacts. On the other hand, if someone sees it and says they're capable, that would be a pleasant surprise. Of course, most importantly, it's an attitude, letting Guo Xueyan see that I'm genuinely concerned about her son's tutoring. This WeChat interruption, while breaking my thoughts on how to approach Guo Xueyan, also gave me a fresh perspective. I suddenly had a clear plan: don't worry about the ultimate goal or the long term. Just like my words and actions today, as long as she feels it's natural and I don't have a specific purpose, while simultaneously closing the distance between us, that's enough. As for the final outcome, I don't need to think too much about it. After playing ball all afternoon and drinking in the evening, I felt sleepy. Thinking about Guo Xueyan's appearance and figure, I drifted off to sleep.
The next day was Sunday. I slept until 9 a.m., then checked my phone. There were no messages. I was hoping someone would see my post on WeChat Moments who was also good at English and willing to tutor students—that would be ideal. But no one did. I suddenly felt a little anxious and decided to try a multi-pronged approach. I would contact my high school classmates in Xi'an to see if anyone was good at English and willing to tutor students. I would also ask my current university classmates from Xi'an if any of their former high school classmates were like that. In short, I wanted to broaden my reach. On the other hand, I couldn't forget my original intention: to get closer to Guo Xueyan. These were means, not ends. It wouldn't be good if this plan fell through. I couldn't put all my eggs in one basket. I considered that even if it didn't work out, Guo Xueyan and I would still have opportunities to naturally communicate and get closer. So, the key was to increase our communication and contact before I realized there was no chance there. That way, the significance and impact of this whole thing would diminish.
As I took out my phone to call and inquire about these matters, I noticed someone had added me as a friend on WeChat with the note: "English Tutoring." I was overjoyed and immediately accepted the friend request, asking who it was and how they had seen the message. During our conversation, I learned that I was actually Song Ruoxi, a girl from my high school class. She's now studying English at a teachers' college and had changed her WeChat account, so she wasn't a friend of mine. Someone had seen my posts on WeChat Moments and told her. Apparently, she had tutored middle school students before and had relevant experience, and she had also passed the English Proficiency Test Level 8. She was a perfect candidate. Even better, she wasn't solely motivated by money; she mainly wanted to gain experience before taking the teacher's exam after graduation. She even offered to lower the fee if I tutored my relative's child, since we were old classmates. At that moment, the seemingly distant question I had been pondering resurfaced: whose child should I say I was tutoring?
I told Song Ruoxi I'd ask about the specifics and requirements to calm her down. Then I quickly sent a WeChat message to Guo Xueyan: "I've found someone to tutor you. He's from Shaanxi Normal University, majoring in English, and has tutoring experience. He even said he could charge less if it's my relative's child."
Guo Xueyan quickly replied to my WeChat message, asking if it was convenient for me to take the call. I ran downstairs in one breath, found a secluded corner, and then made a WeChat voice call to her.
Guo Xueyan seemed quite happy: "You found it so quickly, thank you!"
"You're welcome. I think she's a good match, so I told you right away."
"So what did you say? Did you tell her it was a relative's child?"
"No, I was thinking that she said it would be cheaper if it was my relative's child, so you could save money, but I decided not to say it. What if she goes around chatting at your house and you don't have that relative anymore, and then she accidentally lets it slip."
"It's nothing. Just tell your tutor that the child is your relative's. I'll talk to the child's grandparents and tell them to be careful what they say, that it's a relative. That way, your tutor won't suspect anything, okay?"
I immediately raised my question: "Then the problem is that your in-laws or your husband will ask you who recommended the tutoring service. Isn't that just getting further and further off track?" I said this to show that I was fully considering her feelings.
However, she decided to tell the truth: "I'll just tell you the truth, how I met you and found the tutor through you."
我大概明白了，她是一副自然坦荡的状态，觉得不会有什么问题，看来她确实心底无私天地宽啊，我顿时有些失望，因为如果她内心里也像我一样泛起涟漪的话，也会觉得事情敏感，会想要掩饰我这样一个人的存在，但是她没有，说明她觉得没啥问题。我有些不依不饶，一方面是试探，一方面还是装作替她考虑，再一个是故意引导到这上面：「嗯，你这样说也没问题，我就是担心老年人思想保守，觉得你乱认识什么人，对你有说法给你惹麻烦。」
没想到郭雪艳笑出来了：「哈哈，看你说的，谢谢你替我考虑，不过没事，人只要坦坦荡荡行为端正，没什么可说的，再说做爷爷奶奶的也希望孙子成绩优秀，高兴还来不及，关键你就是个在校大学生，又不是社会上那些乱七八糟的男人，不然别说他们了，我也不会乱认识你。」她这番话说的在情在理，我倒是因为心里那些乱七八糟的想法而影响了正常的思绪，我竟对她高看一眼了。当然同时也试探出来她的态度，对于我和她的相识，她是很自然也很淡然的，没有什么胡乱的心思，至少没有表现出来。不过这也给我传递出来一种信号，就是我和她可以正常的接触，她不会刻意的防范什么吧。
我心里也平稳下来：「那行，我们就统一口径，就说是我亲戚孩子补课，这样也可以给你优惠一些，我一会把她电话发给你。」
郭雪艳也附和着：「好，回头就说那是你表弟，我跟我公婆也这样打个招呼，就没问题了。」
事情解决了轻松一些，我一时乐呵呵的反对她这种说法：「那不行啊，说是我表弟，我怎么感觉辈分比你低了，我说是我外甥。」
郭雪艳也轻松起来了：「哟，这都是瞎编的你还计较，你比我儿子也就大了不到10岁吧，我可比你大了将近20岁，比你辈分高不行么，算了，反正也是假的，随你吧，说你外甥就外甥吧，那我就是你姐了。呵呵。」
我有些无可奈何，也就顺着她了，稍候我把宋若曦的电话发给她，让她直接去联系。其实这种姐弟关系，确实能够增进亲近感，也为有些交流和联系做出了一个很好的身份掩护，不过我心里本身是不乐意的，我并没有主动嘴甜的叫姐，是希望我和她是一种平等的男女状态，让她最终是心里看一个男人一样看我，这种心里境况是不一样的。但是目前的情况也没有什么，毕竟距离又增进了，还可以慢慢去改变去渗透产生变化。
中午的时候，郭雪艳又给我发微信，问我一会有没有空，说为了感谢我，带我去买茶叶，她买了送给我算是感谢我。我客气了一下，说这点事谈不上感谢。
她说是和宋若曦谈好了，下周开始补课，每个周末的两天各两个小时，先补一个月看看，她算了算省下一笔钱，刚好给我卖茶叶谢谢我。这个时候我感觉她省钱也不是单纯为了贪小便宜，省下的钱用来感谢我，说明是很通人情世故的，也是不想欠我的人情。能感觉到她确实是真诚热情的为了感谢我，我也大大方方答应了，我告诉她下午五点去卖茶叶。其实我整个下午是没事的，我定在五点是考虑卖完茶叶快到饭点了，再叫她一起吃个饭，这样可以增进更多交流接触的机会。
她给我发了个定位，是在茶城，就前一天江边那个位置附近。
上午还是像星期六一样的灿烂阳光，中午就转阴天了。我思索了一下，下午再见面我想穿的成熟一点，这样可以在形象上拉进一些和她的距离。由于我平时穿着以运动休闲为主，还没有那么多现成的衣物，我迅速开车跑到商场去买了一双棕色的系带皮鞋，一条藏青色偏黑的西裤，一件黑色半长款风衣，回到宿舍已经四点了。我抓紧把自己捯饬了一下，里面穿了一件灰色的高领毛衣，换上刚买的一身行头，戴上手表，迅速赶往目的地。
到的时候大约四点五十，我没有直接进那个店里，而是坐在车上给郭雪艳发了个消息说我到了。我在想她如果还没到那个店里，我刚好还可以偷偷远远的看看她的身姿。郭雪艳没回我消息，我估计是不是正在往那个店里走，就四处观察。
两三分钟后她出现了，兴许是因为天阴了有些冷，她穿着一件带毛领的长款红色羽绒服，里面还是头一天那件肉色薄毛衣，下面穿着一条黑色的运动裤和白色运动鞋，显然这一身穿着是比较随意的，不像我这么折腾，也能推测出来她对和我见面还没有刻意的成分。我看着她进了那家店，我也下车进去了。
买完茶叶两个人出来，我本来寻思怎么说一起吃个饭，没想到她先开口了：「这会五点多了，也差不多快到饭点了，走我请你吃火锅吧。」
我拍了一下茶叶说：「这我都不好意思了，你还请我吃饭，太客气了。」
她依然是一番热情：「行了你就别客气了，我反正一个人也懒得做，一起吃了算了。」
我也不再推辞，这不是正是我希望的么。她说去前面不远处谭鸭血吃，我很绅士的打开副驾驶的门，她说了声谢谢坐进去。我这是故意的，让她坐我旁边，而不是有距离感的坐后面。这时候我发现百密一疏，我今天把自己捯饬了一番，却有些日子没洗车了，而且按我今天这德性我本来还应该放一瓶香水在车里。不过我灵机一动：「不好意思，好久没洗车了，平时就我一个人开，也开的不多，没太在意。」我这样说也是潜台词我没有女朋友，也没有开车经常出来浪。她也不在意说没事。
到了火锅店发现已经有不少顾客，服务员问几个人，我说就两个，然后径直走到一处角落的位置，我坐在有放衣服的竹篓子的那边。店里开着空调，又是火锅的热度，我把风衣脱掉放到竹篓子里，郭雪艳也脱了羽绒服，我接过来放到竹篓子里盖上盖子，坐下发现她已经手机在扫码点菜了。她问我要红锅还是鸳鸯锅，其实我都无所谓，不过我还是说要鸳鸯锅，这样一会我可以主动热情给她舀汤。
两个人商量着点了六七个菜，郭雪艳问我喝不喝酒，我说她喝我就喝，她很大方的说冬天喝啤酒有点冰，喝白酒怎么样，我说可以。服务员拿了一个烟灰缸放到桌上，我说谢谢我不抽烟又让服务员拿走了。郭雪艳称赞说不抽烟好，她老公烟瘾就大。我脑子里在想，他老公烟瘾大，会不会影响性能力，那他们两口子那方面恐怕不和谐，恐怕满足不了她吧。我发现我真是有点魔障了，有一点火星都能点燃我大脑里的一片森林。
酒菜都上好之后，郭雪艳端起酒杯：「小何，来，姐敬你一杯，谢谢你这次帮忙。」我和她碰了一下一口干了，然后抓起瓶子给她满上。
这时候郭雪艳的电话响了，她接起电话：「……嗯，对，都谈好了，下周开始，每个周末两天各两个小时……我知道我知道，这会请人家吃火锅呢表示感谢……行，你少喝点。对了你什么时候回来？……好，那就这样。」
郭雪艳挂了电话说他老公打来问孩子补习的事，还说让她好好感谢我一下。我还是一番客气说没什么，同时心里在想，或许她这样大大方方的实话说了是怎么找到的补课老师，她老公还让她感谢我，这样的情况或许很好，这样我和她交流来往就是正大光明的，没有什么可疑的，我感觉很欣慰也有一丝兴奋。
我们一边吃一边喝酒一边交流，还是从她孩子的补课说开的。她的意思是孩子成绩也不差，也不指望将来多么出人头地，能好好生活就行了，而她老公特别上心，所以想方设法的把孩子弄到西安去上学。我想了想把话题刻意引到他老公身上，于是老成的侃侃而谈：「我想这个问题可能也是父母的一些价值观在孩子身上的体现，比方说你当小学老师，稳定也轻松一些，还有自己的时间可以外出逛一逛转一转，所以对这个问题你可能淡然一些。你老公工作比较卖力，又是出差又是什么的，所以也希望孩子是卖力的。」
郭雪艳若有所思的说：「其实吧，我也不指望那种怎么样的生活，虽然不是多富裕，总归还是宽裕不愁的，也没指望非要挣多少多少钱。」
我虽然还没有工作，但是也能旁敲侧击的抛出自己的观点：「现在社会就是这样，很多人明明是为了家庭幸福去奔波的，但是在奔波的过程中往往又牺牲了一些家庭幸福，是个怪圈。一方面是身体上的，不是有人说么，前半辈子费命挣钱，后半辈子拿挣的钱养命。感情上也是，前半辈子少了对家人的陪伴去挣钱，到了后半辈子解甲归田了又去陪伴家人。但是很多东西失去了终归是怎么也挽回不了的。」其实我说的这些情况，基本上在郭雪艳她老公身上是多少存在的，身体上缓解工作压力烟瘾大，应酬多喝酒，没有好的身体，和她在床上恩爱的效果就会大打折扣；同时因为她儿子在西安，老公出差过去可以见到孩子，就和她见不到，而不出差的话又陪不上孩子，感情陪伴上总归是会有缺失的。
郭雪艳跟我又干了一杯很赞同我的说法：「你说的没错，至少我也是这么认为的，对了，我感觉你还是比较成熟，跟你交流没什么代沟。」
我其实是有这个自信的，不过到此刻她主动这样说，我感觉很欣喜：「年龄只是个数字，有的人活了几十岁也还是幼稚的，年龄是能增加阅历，但是不见得加深见识，思考和总结也很重要。」
郭雪艳似乎有些欣赏的说：「难怪你想法成熟，估计你也是喜欢思考总结吧。」
我故作无奈的说：「凡事都有两面性，这样也好也不好，生活处处皆学问，自己经历了经常去想去揣摩当然能加深认识，很多人可能会举得这样比较累。不过我现在倒是觉得这样也好，至少我跟你交流没什么代沟，能说到一起。」
一方面是一番交流起到了铺垫作用，一方面也是可能女人普遍有一颗八卦心，也兴许是两个人喝了酒放得开了一些，当大半瓶酒喝掉的时候，郭雪艳主动聊起了情感话题：「哎对了，我看你各方面条件也不错，你没谈恋爱么？大学生谈恋爱的不少啊。」
实际上我之前是谈恋爱的，高三的时候交往一个女朋友，但是后来上了不同的大学，异地恋总是很辛苦，到了大一下学期，彼此都坚持不下去了也就平淡的分手了。之后也没有遇到合适的，就没再谈了。不过我又继续胡编乱造跟郭雪艳说：「哎，我之前谈过，但是大二的时候分手了。」
这引起了郭雪艳进一步的好奇心：「那你们为什么分手？」
「怎么说呢，感觉还是看待事物的观念问题吧，说的不好听一点，就是小女生比较作，为一些不可理喻的事情跟我吵闹，不过冷静想想，我也不能单纯怪对方，毕竟生活阅历在那里，没有经历过社会，思考问题可能是比较简单一些，凭感觉行事吧。这是生活带来的，很正常。比方说一个三岁孩子，为了不能出去玩而大哭大闹，大人当然不喜欢这样，但是也不可能说就让他一下改变，然后在三岁这么大就知书达理言行稳健。」
郭雪艳用欣赏的眼光看着我：「你说的对，我发现你确实思想上很有见地，你并不是单纯怪你女朋友不懂事，也考虑到年龄和人生经历了，你也是替对方着想了的。可是这种情况对于没有走进社会的学生来说，是很普遍的，你也很难找到一个思想跟你一般成熟的女朋友。」
我将话题步步深入：「这个问题我考虑过，这种事情是随缘的，我也不可能搜肠刮肚的去专门找这样的。虽然说人工作了之后经历了社会和职场会变得成熟，但是我毕竟还是个学生，不可能为了找女朋友一天跑到社会上去乱窜吧，而且人家也搞不清楚我是个什么角色，肯定还是觉得我一个学生可能跟人家有代沟，所以还是看缘分的。」
郭艳雪理解我说的意思：「你说的也是，虽然实际上你也成熟没什么代沟，但是你要专门去找女朋友，人家一开始就形成了固定的印象，反过来觉得你不够成熟，也不会有那方面的心思了。你看我要不是为了请你吃饭感谢你，坐这聊这么多，我也会觉得你还是个男孩子呢，呵呵。」
我感觉话题说到这里，我已经比较满意了，让她感觉到我们之间没有交流的代沟，就会乐意和我有更多的交流，这是个不错的效果。此刻一瓶酒已经快喝完了，两个人聊的很投机，我也有些酒劲上来，不过我还是压制住自己不能去拿我自己和她乱开玩笑乱试探，如果引起她的不快和反感，那么我们之间的距离会迅速倒退。不过我可以适当的从一些话题去夸赞她一番，即可以让她高兴，也能改变我目前为止还是那种一本正经不苟言笑的形象。和她又干了一杯，我给她添上之后说：「你人长得漂亮没想到酒量也不错，真是女中豪杰。」
她喝了些酒之后，白皙的脸蛋上泛起淡粉的韵色，听到的夸赞笑起来分外妩媚迷人：「呵呵，还行吧，能喝点，主要是你给帮了忙，今天高兴，我很久都没喝这么多酒了，这都快半斤了吧，我平时在家一个人也就是有时候喝点红酒。」
我又举了一杯说：「帮忙的事情就不提了，不足挂齿，我倒是感觉幸运，我过来上大学这第三年了，你是我在学校以外认识的第一个，算是朋友吧。」我专门这样说是朋友，而一再的忽略什么姐姐弟弟，还是想在郭雪艳的心里不断进行暗示，那就是我和她就是平等的男人和女人，而不是有年龄距离感的姐姐弟弟。
她也有些变得有些豪爽：「什么叫算是朋友，姐已经拿你当朋友了，这次你帮了忙，下次你有什么需要帮忙的，也跟姐说。」她到底是拿我当弟弟还是当朋友呢？我暂时先不去那么细究了，关键是她的状态很符合我的想法，我感觉和她之间距离拉近了许多。
我看酒快喝完了，应该也不会加菜了，我也不打算继续要酒喝，我不想造成一种我很嗜酒或者是故意让郭雪艳多喝的感觉，就藉口去上个洗手间，上洗手间出来偷偷去吧台买了单回到座位上。很快就到了最后一杯酒，我一本正经的举起杯子说：「最后一杯酒了，我敬你，三个意思，一是很荣幸认识你，二是祝愿你孩子学习优秀，三是祝你越来越漂亮。」她很高兴的和我喝完了最后一杯，然后拿出手机说买单，我没吭声，服务员告诉她说这位先生已经买过单了。她白了我一眼：「你怎么买单了，搞的我怪不好意思。」我笑着说下次让她买单，她也答应了。这样我就又有了机会和她吃饭了，只要有了下次，就会有下下次，更多次。
她起身的同时，我从竹篓子里拿出她的羽绒服对着她展开，意思是我帮她穿上，她说了谢谢然后顺遂的把胳膊伸进去，我从后面把羽绒服的肩背给她套好，还把毛领给她翻着整理了一下。经过这一晚的喝酒和交流，我和她拉进了距离，这样一个动作，这样初次的肢体接触，她可以大大方方的接受，还显得我比较体贴。
穿好衣服她说：「你叫个代驾，喝了酒不能开车。」因为这一片餐饮比较多，所以门口不远就有个代驾的师傅接到下单。代驾师傅在把电动车往我后备箱里放的时候，郭雪艳叮嘱我：「你到了给我说一下，我先回去了。」说着就要走，我知道她家不远，几分钟就走回去了，但是我还是让她一起捎她一段，这会外面冷，她就答应了。
我迅速打开后排车门，她坐了进去再往里坐到另一边，看来她是默认我也坐后排的。下午的时候她坐在副驾驶，也是和我一排，但是毕竟中间有阻隔，这会我们一起坐在后面，感觉距离又近了一些。尽管我有些不舍，但是很快就到了她住的小区，再次叮嘱我到了告诉她一下，就下车了。
考虑到她进小区，走到所住的那栋楼，还有等电梯上楼的时间，过了五分钟我给她发了一条微信：「外面冷，你到家了么？」
她很快回了我：「我到了，刚坐下，你到哪了？」
我说我也不知道是哪，毕竟我不是这里人，确实搞不清楚，我让她喝点水休息一下，她回给我一条微信：「嗯，我在喝水，你不但成熟稳重也很懂得关心人。」
这条微信还附带一个可爱的表情。
我脑海里冒出一句话：「你老公不在，你应该有人关心。」
Of course, I could send her that message for now, as if I were to stand in for her husband. But after a moment's thought, I sent her, "It's only right for a man to care for a woman." This could be seen as a social understanding, or it could be a matter of attitude between a man and a woman. Let her interpret it as she sees fit. Even if she felt it was inappropriate, it was because I had been drinking. If she thought it was wrong, I could just say I was a little drunk and not paying attention, and I think she would understand. Drinking is a good cover-up. However, she seemed to cleverly reply, "Thank you for your concern, little brother." I wasn't sure if she genuinely considered me a younger brother or if she sensed something was amiss and wanted to emphasize that relationship. While pondering this, I arrived at school.
As I walked back to my dorm after getting out of the car, the chill of the winter night sobered me up a bit. I considered whether Guo Xueyan genuinely treated me like a younger brother or was deliberately emphasizing this relationship to avoid me overthinking. I didn't need to force my opinion on it right now. Since I had grown closer to her, there would be opportunities later to position our relationship where I needed to. As long as I didn't call her "sister," at least I wouldn't reinforce her sibling-like perception. I went back to my dorm, poured myself a glass of water, and after thinking for a moment, started making things up again: "I'm back. As soon as I walked into the dorm, these people started gossiping about me."
"Oh? What did they say about you?"
"They said I looked very respectable, and when I came back I was all radiant. They asked if I had a girlfriend again, and even asked me to buy them drinks."
"Haha, you young men are just as gossipy as women, so what do you say?"
"I'll just tell the truth. I said I helped someone find a tutor, and the couple and their child invited me to dinner. It's normal for me to dress formally when I go out to eat with their family. My flushed face is because I've been drinking, so what?"
"Yes, what you said is mostly true, but to be honest, your outfit does make you look mature and dignified."
I suddenly realized that the dinner was a spur-of-the-moment decision, and it was just the two of us, Guo Xueyan. It wasn't some important family invitation, a formal occasion. Besides, even if it were her family, as a college student, it would be perfectly normal for me to dress casually; there was no need to dress formally. Would she realize that I had deliberately created this image because of her? If she did, what would she think and say? At the very least, she would sense that I had a specific purpose in mind. It was just a simple matter of buying tea; she dressed casually, so why was I dressed up? If she said anything, that would be fine, and I could manage. But if she didn't say anything and was just wary of me, that would be bad. I decided to take the initiative and say, "Actually, I dressed like this precisely because of you."
She simply replied with three words: "Why?"
I don't know if this was an interrogation or just curiosity, but I decided to tell the truth anyway: "I just wanted to make it seem less different from you." After sending the message, I realized there was still a problem with what I said, but it was too late to take it back. I said it was to make it seem less different from her, but conversely, why can't there be differences? She's almost forty, and I'm in my early twenties; differences and distance are normal. Why should I deliberately try to minimize these differences? Besides, according to our agreement, it's just about buying tea; why make such a fuss? If she interprets things this way, what will she think of me?
For a moment, I didn't know if the alcohol was affecting my thinking or if the question itself was making me incoherent. At the same time, I was worried that her speculation about my behavior might lead her to become wary and distant.
I wanted to try to reverse the current situation, so I continued to send messages: "Maybe it's an occupational hazard. Back when I was in the tutoring business, whenever I had to meet someone outside the school, I would pay attention to my clothes in order to appear more professional. Today, even though I'm buying tea, I'm still going out to meet someone outside the school. I can't break the habit."
As I typed those words, I was still wondering if it could salvage the situation. I felt awkward, and just as I was about to send it, she texted me: "I think I understand how you feel. Actually, it's not necessary."
I froze. What did this mean? What did she mean by understanding my feelings? Did she know what I was thinking?
I quickly considered my options and figured my explanation was probably fine, even if it sounded like I was trying to cover something up, it was at least a plausible reason, so I sent it quickly. She replied almost immediately: "See, I misunderstood," along with a laughing emoji. Whatever her initial interpretation, she was probably interpreting it the way I meant it now. But I quickly asked her, "So, how did you interpret it?"
"Actually, it's my fault for not realizing this. I'm reminded of my son, who often acts like an adult when he's little, to make it seem like he's grown up and not a child anymore. So when you said you wanted to appear less different from me when we stood together, I figured you had a similar thought—to prove you're an adult. Even without mentioning your so-called professional habits, I would have realized that you're far more mature than your peers and don't need to deliberately cultivate such an image."
I breathed a sigh of relief; it turned out she was just momentarily distracted. But I still teased her a bit more: "Hehe, you're right. But didn't you consider that my mature demeanor was also deliberately crafted?"
I typed it and then deleted it. Even though I was just joking, what if she really thought that way? Wouldn't that mean I was deliberately creating a persona to get closer to her? I thought about it and decided to go with the flow and make my move: "Well, let's not even talk about you treating me like a child. Just talking to you, I feel like calling you 'sister' creates a distance, like I'm younger than you. I don't actually have that obvious sense of age difference; we feel like we're equals."

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Flowers in Winter - Chapter Two

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