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Remembering my first time 

Back then, cell phones were for the wealthy, and pagers (also known as pagers or pagers) weren't common. I was just a poor college student. The QQ icon was a skinny little penguin, and QQ chat rooms were the hottest social platform. For everyone just learning or about to learn the internet, the concept of going online was: enter a chat room and chat with strangers.
QQ chat rooms were very pure back then; people chatted purely for making friends (years later, as more online communication platforms emerged, and more and more zombie accounts were used for scams and sales in chat rooms, people lost interest in chatting, and QQ chat rooms eventually shut down). I met "Little Duck" (a nickname) in a chat room, and we became friends. Whenever we were online at the same time, we would chat for a while.
College was the time when hormones were at their peak. Because I was a poor student, my college life was a complete failure. Everyone else was in couples, while I could only secretly admire a certain girl. Failures in real life were often transferred to the internet for solace, leading to the popularity of meeting online friends in person, and giving rise to early internet buzzwords like "meeting in person is a disaster," "dinosaur," and "frog." So, what if you met a female online friend who was an "dinosaur"? A close friend would send me a pager at the agreed time, and I would pull out my pager and say to the woman: "Sorry, my classmate is looking for me, I have to go back to the call, let's chat another time!"
Originally, Xiaobenya and I would never have crossed paths in real life. I was studying at university in Wuhan, and she was a supermarket cashier in a small city in Hubei province. Although we were close in age, our social circles were vastly different. Then one day, she sent me an urgent message on QQ: "Are you there? I remember you're studying law, I have an urgent matter I need your help with!"
She then told me that her boyfriend (who was also her first love) had recently been involved in a fight, severely injuring someone, and was now in detention. She had no other choice but to ask me for help. To be honest, although I studied law, I was a terrible student (and naturally didn't pursue a career in law after graduation), and at the time, my major courses weren't very advanced, so I couldn't really offer much help. However, since she always saw me as so composed and mature online, I racked my brains to come up with some advice. Ultimately, it boiled down to this: if the other party's injuries weren't too severe, the only possible solution was to spend a lot of money to try and minimize the damage and avoid criminal charges.
She casually remarked, "The other party lost an arm and is still in critical condition." I said, "Okay, then there's really no chance of a comeback."
Then, feeling utterly empty and bored, I suddenly went into a wanton mode. I said, "Give up. Your boyfriend isn't worth waiting for. Men who easily resort to violence to solve problems are never reliable." Then, I intensified my offensive: "Actually, after chatting with you online for over a year, I've realized I've fallen for you. Why don't you be with me!"
In that early era of internet enlightenment, with the popularity of Taiwanese writer Pi Zi Cai's "The First Intimate Contact," everyone online was filled with curiosity about the new concept of "online dating," and everyone vaguely harbored a longing that life wouldn't be complete without experiencing it. So, although my suggestion was rather abrupt, and she hesitated for a while, she didn't explicitly reject it, only listing various reasons why it was impossible. I, in turn, addressed her concerns, convincing her one by one. Gradually, after chatting for several more days, she became more receptive.
During this continued communication, a strange female QQ user suddenly requested to add me as a friend, named "Midnight Indulgence." At that moment, I had a sudden intuition that "Midnight Indulgence" was actually her alternate identity, testing me under a different guise. So, I pretended to be unaware and chatted with "Midnight Indulgence." Although "Midnight Indulgence" deliberately flirted with me from the beginning, I replied with a dignified air: "Sister, I recently fell in love with a girl online, I really like her, and I'm still a virgin, so you should respect yourself!"
She seemed satisfied with the result of my test. Not long after, she messaged me online, saying she was coming to Wuhan with her colleagues the next day and we could meet. So we arranged to meet at a park in Hankou at 2 pm the following day. On the day we met, it was sunny when I left Wuchang, but by the time the bus crossed the Yangtze River and arrived in Hankou, it was pouring rain. So we met in rather disheveled conditions, and my first impression of her wasn't very positive. She was slightly plump, and more importantly, she had short hair, shorter than mine, which I felt lacked femininity.
However, at the time, I was going through a terrible period of adolescent confusion—I had a crush on a goddess, and knowing she had a boyfriend, I thought the way to love her was to not bother her but silently wish her happiness, doing all sorts of things for her. Before I could even process it, she broke up with her boyfriend and got a new one. So, I learned to smoke. Yes, perhaps to many, my reminiscing about my past experiences while writing this seems a bit scummy, but please believe me, every man, in his youth, has made a sincere effort. And this effort usually only happens once, and because men and women mature at different times, a man's first attempt often fails, and the result is often becoming promiscuous. So, as
a virgin, I had only one thought in my mind: I don't want to be a shameful virgin anymore! I want to sleep with her! Sleep with her! Sleep with her! Sleep with her! Sleep with her!
To ease the awkwardness of our first meeting, at her colleague's suggestion, the three of us sat on a stone table in the park after the rain and played cards. We played for over an hour, and the awkwardness lessened. Apparently, she and her colleague had communicated beforehand, and her colleague said she had relatives in the area and needed to visit them, so she said goodbye and left. Then, as if on cue, she and I got in the car together and went back to school. At
that time, I had just rented a place off-campus and was living alone. I first let her put down her luggage, then we went out for a meal, and then found a place to chat for a while. I talked at length about life and ideals in front of her, and she listened attentively. Gradually, we became more familiar with each other. On the way back to the rented room, I tentatively asked, "Can I hold your hand?" She didn't answer. After a while, I gradually became bolder and carefully took her hand. This was the first time I had ever held a girl's hand.
After returning to the rented room, there wasn't much to do, so we continued playing cards. The punishment was the rather cheesy act of drawing things on our faces. Although this method was cheesy, it was indeed effective in enhancing the fun between men and women. Gradually, the atmosphere became lively, and we started to play around. I suddenly pounced on her and pushed her onto the bed. Then she quieted down and just stared at me intently. I asked again, quite inexperiencedly, "Can I kiss you?" She still didn't answer, just looked at me. So I kissed her. This was my first kiss.
Well, I won't go into the details of what happened in between. I finally used the condom I'd been saving for so long. I'd seen it while wandering around near school, and out of curiosity, I'd bought one from a vending machine to observe. Just before I was about to penetrate her, she, who had been completely lost in passion, suddenly looked at me and asked, "What am I to you?"
Savvy readers probably guessed my reaction—
you're asking what our relationship is? I'd already put on my treasured condom, ready to experience my first time, and you're asking what our relationship is? Fine! I gritted my teeth, my face serious, and said through gritted teeth, "Girlfriend!"
And so, I tearfully bid farewell to my virginity.
She bled. Of course, I later learned it was menstrual blood. She explained that although she was on her period, her libido was very high during that time, so she suddenly wanted to have sex with me and didn't think much of it. However, at the time, during our intimate moments afterward, for the still-naive me, there was a very bizarre conversation between us—Me: Are you a virgin?
She countered: Are you a virgin?
Thinking I couldn't lose face, I lied earnestly: No!
She: Heh... Are you sure that's your real answer?
I instantly became furious: I knew it, I knew it! I knew that "midnight indulgence" was you!
She said, "By the way, let me tell you, when you hold a girl's hand or kiss her, don't be silly and ask, 'Can I hold your hand?' or 'Can I kiss you?' It might seem polite, but it's actually very childish and ruins the mood."
I laughed awkwardly, "I'm just inexperienced! "
She stayed with me for a few days, and I really enjoyed taking her for walks on campus every evening. For a moment, I felt like I finally had a girlfriend in college, and we were enjoying the beautiful feeling of youthful campus life together. But this illusion quickly shattered. Three days later, she said she had to go back to work, and her family was urging her to return. So, I took her to the station. After she got on the train, watching it slowly drive away, I felt a little reluctant to let her go. Suddenly, I remembered she said she gets carsick, so I bought a bag of plums from a nearby shop and rushed over to hand it to her through the window. She smiled and left me a message on QQ saying she was very touched.
Not long after, because of a misunderstanding during a QQ chat, she got very angry, on the verge of a falling out. I suddenly felt that I should act a little more assertive. So I told her I'd buy a train ticket to her city right now. She said, "If you come, I'll forgive you!" So I rushed to the station, and after a five-hour journey, she picked me up.
What followed was even more intense—she took me straight to her house, and after meeting her parents, I stayed there. Her parents weren't actually happy with me. They thought that as a student, instead of focusing on his studies, I'd suddenly appear as their daughter's boyfriend, and then go through the whole process of meeting her parents and staying at her house—what was going on?
Of course, being young and naive at the time, I obviously wasn't that sensible. On the contrary, during the few days I stayed at her house, full of energy, we had several passionate encounters in the house and the hallway. It wasn't until one day, when her mother explicitly said she wanted me to leave, that I belatedly said goodbye and left—of course, I didn't really leave, but instead spent the whole night at a nearby internet cafe because she said she planned to elope back to Wuhan with me the next day.
Finally, the next morning arrived, and she appeared before me on time. Without a word, we boarded the bus to Wuhan. After getting off the bus in Wuhan and exiting the station, we were both a little carsick. Since the Yangtze River Bridge was nearby, I said, "Let's take a walk and feel the river breeze." This was her first time walking across the Yangtze River Bridge. We walked from one side to the other, feeling the river breeze on our faces and the rhythmic swaying of the bridge surface due to the traffic. Reaching the middle of the bridge, facing the Yangtze River, she closed her eyes, enjoying the moment and exclaiming, "Wow, I think even if we're not together in the future, this will be a memory for us for a lifetime."
Yes, a memory for a lifetime. At this moment, I wrote down this memory. My dear friend, where are you now? Do you still remember?
After returning to our rented apartment and living together for a few more days, she said she needed to look for a job. Her high school classmate was in Hankou and supposedly doing well, so she planned to go there to stay with her. I accompanied her to Hankou and met her classmate. Her classmate was very beautiful and had a very feminine charm. She warmly welcomed us and mentioned that her "uncle" was taking her to an opera that evening, and we could go together. From her words, I sensed she was one of those "kept women" kept by wealthy men.
That evening, her "uncle" indeed arrived as promised, driving a black SUV. As for the brand, being a poor guy at the time, I naturally had no idea. This was the first time I witnessed his mature demeanor. Although he appeared refined, he possessed a hidden charisma: he wasn't offended by our unexpected appearance; on the contrary, he very kindly and politely invited us into his car. Upon arriving at the theater, he greeted some acquaintances and then led us to a VIP room. He didn't treat me poorly because I was a naive young man; on the contrary, upon learning I smoked, he ordered a waiter to bring me two packs of cigarettes and a can of Coke. I secretly glanced at the prices: a can of Coke that cost two yuan outside cost eighty yuan here—and this was before inflation. That experience truly broadened my horizons.
After the opera, I stayed at her classmate's house that night. It was a two-bedroom apartment; her classmate usually lived alone, so there was no shortage of beds. That night, naturally, we had another passionate encounter. Towards the end, I said, "I want to ejaculate inside, is that okay?" She didn't answer. Okay, another first time.
Because I had a crucial class the next day, I left early to catch the bus back to school. For the next week, probably because she was with her classmate and busy looking for a job, and being unfamiliar with the area, she didn't have internet access and we didn't contact each other—as mentioned before, this was an era before pagers were common and cell phones were scarce, far from the convenient communication we have now. Finally, the weekend arrived, and as soon as class ended, I rushed to catch the bus to Hankou, intending to spend the weekend with her. But when I arrived, I knocked on the door—hmm, no one home?
Perhaps she went out to look for work! So I sat on the steps in front of the door and waited. I waited for hours, until the sun set and night fell, but she never returned. I had a bad feeling, so I got up and left, wandering the streets of Hankou. The buses had already stopped running, and I wandered alone, gradually getting lost, not knowing where I was—this experience left a psychological scar. Wuhan is big, but my social circle has always been in Wuchang; I would never want to go to Hankou, simply because that place had made me lose my way before, and stepping back there would always bring that feeling of being lost again.
So I found a public phone and called a classmate who lived in Hankou. My classmate quickly called back, asked for the approximate address I described, and then rode his bicycle over to take me to his house for the night. The next day, after returning to school, I left her a message on QQ, asking how she was doing. A few days later, she replied: "I went home… Because you hadn't contacted me for a week, I thought you didn't want to contact me anymore, so I went home and continued working at the supermarket."
Hmm, was this relationship really that fragile?
But what happened next made me grow up overnight.
A few days later, I received a message on QQ from a friend claiming to be her boyfriend, saying he was eager to talk to me. Huh, he'd been released?
After adding him, we chatted. He was more refined than I'd imagined, not the kind of thug who'd start street fights at the drop of a hat. This made me even stranger. He pleaded with me, saying, "I don't care what happened
between you two, but I hope you won't contact her again and give her back to me, okay?" Back then, I was young and impetuous. How could I back down when two men were fighting over a woman? So, I bluntly retorted, stating that only I could give her happiness in the future. Despite my provocative words, he didn't get angry or annoyed. On the contrary, his tone remained polite and pleading, giving me the strange feeling that this thug who had crippled someone seemed more cultured than me. What was going on?
Finally, one sentence from him completely shut me down—"You know what? She was pregnant with my child. If nothing unexpected happened, we were planning to get married this year."
Huh? "Huh? Ah!
She never told me any of this!"
I instantly understood a lot.
Although she wasn't my ideal girl when we first met, and although that night I only thought about sleeping with her, feelings are strange like that. Without realizing it, I fell for her and became completely invested. But reality played a cruel joke on me, making me laugh so hard I couldn't stand up straight.
I finally replied: "Sorry, I didn't expect things to turn out this way. From now on, please rest assured, I will never have existed."
Without waiting for his reaction, I blocked him. Thinking for a moment, I found "Little Duck" and "Midnight Indulgence" on my QQ friends list, and trembling, silently blocked them.
I stood up and called out: "Boss, I'm logging off, checkout!"
This is dedicated to my various "first" experiences from my youth. That incredibly invested and earnest me existed in this world.
[The End]

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