Divorced woman's account

People say, celebrities say, great men say, "Without love, one cannot live, nor can one truly live." Yet, seeing so many around us living without love, without affection, relying on sisterly love, the love of friends, or stealing love from other people's husbands and wives, even relying on watching TV dramas every night to maintain a semblance of life, letting the days slip away. These fleeting days are both slow and rapid, gone in an instant, impossible to grasp, yet utterly wasted. By the time one reaches middle age, the mind finally settles into tranquility, unperturbed by anything, indifferent to the world, whether it's love from a lover, a sister, or a friend. Whether there's love or not, whether the stolen affection remains or not, it doesn't matter.

Dibo's face wasn't exactly beautiful, nor was it particularly elegant, but it possessed a remarkable liveliness; her eyes sparkled, and her voice was very pleasant. Dibo's hair was long, permed in loose waves, with a few strands dyed blonde. She usually wears her hair casually and loosely tied back, a wisp of hair that exudes a womanly charm from behind. She likes to wear ankle boots, long skirts, and colorful short sweaters, and in winter, she always wears a cashmere coat. She carries a huge, dark leather backpack wherever she goes. Seeing her, you'd guess that this vibrant woman must have many dramatic stories in her love life, right? Kedibo says she has no story, because she's divorced, and her husband abandoned her.

Crying, she suddenly shouts, "Jiang Zhe! You bastard!" "

I've been divorced for six years now, and I live with my daughter. She goes to school and lives there, coming home every weekend. It's unbelievable. All my friends are baffled by my divorce. They think a woman like me, with a respectable job, impeccable taste in clothing, and a flirtatious lifestyle, could be a social icon for men, and also a burden-free family member." It seems inconceivable that a woman of my taste, independent personality, knowledge, and self-reliance would be abandoned.

Indeed, back in university, my ex-husband, Jiang Zhe, was in our class. The madness with which he pursued me back then is still a topic of conversation at our class reunions. Look at me now, I've picked up those reckless habits typical of women in cultural circles. Actually, in university, I was a cool beauty, quite ladylike. My ex-husband said pursuing me was incredibly difficult. He gave me over two hundred hints and still didn't get it—it was so frustrating! Because I was so hard to win over, it actually fueled his determination.

How did we eventually come to terms with it? It seems we were already in our senior year, everyone was anxiously contacting employers, but back then, jobs were assigned by the university, and finding a job wasn't as difficult for university graduates as it is now. Jiang Zhe was the kind of person who was quiet and reserved, never saying anything, just silently protecting you. For example, during those years in school, whenever I went to the library, Jiang Zhe would be there too. He'd always sit somewhere not too far away, staring at me with that lingering, affectionate gaze, which annoyed me a lot. I gave him the cold shoulder quite often, sometimes even giving him a cold look or saying something sarcastic in public, but he never argued back, just kept going like that. Eventually, I got used to it. For the past few years in university, Jiang Zhe had been quietly pursuing me, without making a sound, but I could always sense what he did for me. Actually, I'd long acknowledged his infatuation, but I hated how clingy he was, always so unreservedly expressing his feelings. It was this clinginess that made me inexplicably angry with him. I teased him, gave him the cold shoulder, and embarrassed him in public, just to provoke him, to stop his roundabout ways and give him a direct attack, just once. But how could I say it out loud? I just watched him frantically trying to figure things out, like a blind man groping in the dark.

One day, I went to the library to look up some information and found that he wasn't there. I felt a little disappointed but didn't want to show it, so I pretended to be busy looking up something, but my eyes kept wandering to the empty seat next to me. Just then, Jiang Zhe came in, making quite a commotion, unlike his usual quiet demeanor. I naturally pretended not to notice him at all, and kept my head down, randomly flipping through the books in front of me. Later, I noticed someone standing in front of my desk. I looked up and saw Jiang Zhe. He seemed to have just had a few drinks that day; his face was flushed. It was the first time he had stared at me so brazenly. I quickly looked around, but thankfully, everyone in the lobby seemed to be busy with their own things and no one noticed us. I turned around and said irritably, "What?" Jiang Zhe suddenly grabbed my arm and almost lifted me up, saying, "Come on, get out!" I struggled a couple of times, but he held on even tighter. I was dragged and pulled out of the reading room. Then I was pinned against the wall in the corridor. Jiang Zhe pressed against me and said, "Date me!" I shook off his hand, rubbing my arm, and said, "What?! You're hurting me!" He said again, "Date me!"

I felt a surge of excitement, thinking, "This big brute, the all-out assault is finally starting!" Just then, I suddenly noticed something. I vaguely heard a burst of suppressed laughter behind him, and a few boys peeking out from the corner. One of the boys seemed to have been pushed out in the jostling, quickly retreating, followed by another burst of suppressed laughter. Instantly, my anger flared up. What all-out assault? This drunk guy had obviously made some kind of bet with those boys. I slapped him across the face, yelling, "Bastard!" and then shoved him hard. He slumped weakly against the wall across the corridor, his head drooping. I ran back to my dorm and collapsed onto my bed, crying! While crying, I suddenly shouted, "Jiang Zhe, you bastard!"

I knew then that I had fallen in love with him, even though the scene of my confession was so ridiculous. Later, I also learned that the eight boys had been drinking together that day, and naturally, their conversation turned to women. One of the boys in our class, Zhu Jun, insulted Jiang Zhe, calling him the biggest idiot and coward in the world, saying he had no idea how to pursue women and would be a bachelor for life. He added that if it were him, he could easily win over a woman like me, etc. Then, they started teasing him, betting that if Jiang Zhe confessed to me that day, each of them would lose 50 yuan. Jiang Zhe probably felt too embarrassed that day, and coupled with the alcohol, he took the group of boys to the library, and then, what happened was what I described earlier.

After graduation, I married Jiang Zhe, and later we had our daughter, Qinqin. Jiang Zhe wasn't good at expressing himself, but he was very capable around the house. At that time, I went to work at a publishing house, and he went to work at a pictorial magazine company, but we were both editors. In those years, the publishing industry was being impacted by individual booksellers, and publishing houses were in a period of transformation, starting to pay attention to the market and implementing some incentive measures. Back then, I was constantly thinking about finding a bestseller. I read many newspapers and magazines every day, trying to find publishing leads there.

One day, I read an article in a newspaper about a man who had risen to prominence during the Cultural Revolution. He had been heavily relied upon by the Gang of Four, and after their downfall, he had been under investigation. He had just regained his freedom, found a small job, and was preparing to live a normal life. I was immediately intrigued. A man who had been at the height of his political power, a figure of immense influence, had become a prisoner overnight, and now had to endure loneliness, social neglect, and financial hardship in his later years. This dramatic rise and fall in his life—given his fame during the Cultural Revolution and his current situation—could be a bestseller. I immediately contacted the newspaper, found a reporter, and obtained the address of this former revolutionary.

The next day, I went straight to his house. To my surprise, after knocking for a long time, only a woman answered from inside. She wouldn't open the door, so I explained my purpose through the door. The woman inside said that they were now ordinary workers and didn't want to be public figures anymore, nor did they want to be interviewed. That last report already caused a lot of trouble, and I didn't want to deal with the media anymore. I said I wasn't from the media, and it would be better if we talked face-to-face. The woman inside paused for a moment and then said, "Forget it! I'm sorry, we really don't want to appear in public anymore. Besides, his health isn't very good right now. I'm sorry, please understand!" Since she'd said that much, I couldn't say anything more, but I really didn't want to give up such a good story.

I sat on her door and waited to see if they would come out. I waited until 9 pm, but they didn't come out, so I went home. I was hungry and cold. Jiang Zhe and the child had already finished eating; he was discussing math problems with the child. When I came in, Jiang Zhe said the food was in the kitchen and went to heat it up for me. I put down my bag and ate while thinking about how to persuade that "red" figure again. Jiang Zhe sat at the table for a while, seeing that I didn't look up and just kept eating, ignoring me, I heard him sigh and go back to the child's room.

That night, lying in bed, Jiang Zhe told me that Qinqin's stomach hadn't been feeling well lately, probably because she wasn't used to the school food, and asked if we should think of a solution. He also mentioned that at the parent-teacher meeting yesterday, the teacher said Qinqin's math had slipped a lot recently and that the parents should pay attention. At that moment, all I could think about was how to get that research topic. I didn't say anything to Jiang Zhe. Later, Jiang Zhe's hand slipped under the covers and touched my breasts. Every time he wanted to have sex with me, he wouldn't say anything, he would just touch me like that. Even during sex, he was very careful, always watching my expression. I grew up in a very traditional family and never really understood the concept of sex. The only time I'd ever been intimate was with Jiang Zhe, who always treated me like a goddess. He was always very careful during sex, never doing anything out of line. I don't think I've ever truly let my emotions run wild. We've always been so proper and reserved. So, the sensations described in sex books—the tingling, the weakness, the heat—don't seem so intense. Jiang Zhe's movements were always hesitant. Several times, I felt that at the moment of penetration, he would straighten up, holding my legs, as if he desperately wanted to open them to see how he penetrated. Each time, I felt this action was incredibly indecent and lewd, and I would desperately try to keep his eyes open. Each time, he would see me like this and give up.

That night, I was completely devoid of emotion. I mechanically pushed his hands away, then turned my back to him. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, then leaned closer, adopting a zigzag position to match my sleeping posture, pressing his entire body against mine. His hand reached under my armpit, grasping my breast again and gently kneading it. His lower body rubbed against me from behind, but I didn't move.

A while later, I asked Jiang Zhe, "Do you think that old guy will agree to publish the book?" Jiang Zhe suddenly stopped moving, then abruptly pulled his hand away, rolled over, and mumbled, "I don't know!" I turned around, leaned on his shoulder, and said, "What's wrong! Why don't you care about me?" Jiang Zhe didn't speak, but slightly pushed my hand away and said, "Go to sleep!" Then he refused to make a sound. The next morning, I went to their house again, and finally, around 4 p.m., the couple came out. I hurriedly greeted them, saying I had bothered them yesterday and only wanted to apologize. After I said that, they seemed embarrassed.

Later, they even invited me into their home. From then on, I didn't mention publishing the book anymore, but I kept going to their house. I helped him find work and solved his living difficulties. At that time, their area was undergoing demolition, and his private house had been classified as public housing during the Cultural Revolution, making it difficult to implement some policies during the demolition process. I helped them find friends to pull strings, and finally, we resolved the demolition compensation issue according to their requirements. Later, they were the ones who agreed to publish the book. I immediately recommended a writer to them, and they dictated the story. The writer adapted and transcribed it into a written version. Honestly, this was probably the most brilliant achievement in my career as a publishing editor. Because after the book was published, it immediately topped the bestseller lists in various places. My reputation in the publishing industry soared, and everyone mentioned me as the bestseller author. During that time, I was both busy and excited. To promote the book, the publishing house arranged for me and that former political figure to go from province to province for launch events and book signings. I was practically never home during that period. I thought to myself, thank goodness for Jiang Zhe, otherwise, how could I have been running around like this every day! I know that this book can be considered a stepping stone in my career.

Dibo's expression stiffened a bit as she said this. Then she stood up and said she would make some more tea, and then she took the pot into the kitchen. A little while later, she came out of the kitchen, and I saw that her eyes were red. She had obviously been crying in the kitchen. She smiled at me, trying to hide her emotions. He said, "Have some tea! Have some tea!!"

"I'm not going! To hell with the launch!"

I was busy with my book, and every time I came back from out of town, I would excitedly tell Jiang Zhe about it. Jiang Zhe would listen without saying a word, and I would often talk to myself for a while, seeing that he didn't react. I would even yell angrily, "I'm talking to you, don't you hear me?!" Jiang Zhe would then say, "I'm listening! Go on, go on!" That night, as we were sleeping in bed, I suddenly realized that since I rejected him last time, he seemed to have never taken the initiative again. I wondered if it was because I didn't want to, he was afraid. He always acted according to my mood. This kind of thing was probably no exception, and I thought I shouldn't ignore him too much. So I took the initiative to be close to him. If it were before, he would definitely be very happy, although such times are not common, but that day he didn't turn his head, but reached out and patted my waist, saying, "Rest, rest!" I felt a surge of gratitude at that moment, thinking that Jiang Zhe was really considerate.

And so, finally one time, it was probably right after I came back from Jinan. As soon as I entered the house, I saw he had prepared a table full of food. I washed my hands, sat down, picked up my chopsticks, and started eating. I casually asked, "Have you eaten?" Jiang Zhe took a while to answer, "Qinqin went to her grandma's house today." I asked, "Why?" Jiang Zhe suddenly said to me in a very serious and solemn tone, "I want a divorce!!" I said, "What?" His answer was still so solemn and serious: "I want a divorce!" You know how I felt at that moment, I was speechless, completely dumbfounded. I never imagined that Jiang Zhe wanted to divorce me. I put down my chopsticks and asked him directly, "What's wrong with you? Aren't we doing fine?" At that moment, Jiang Zhe truly became a Jiang Zhe I didn't recognize.

Without hesitation, he quickly retorted, "Do you really think you're doing well?" Then, without letting me speak, he continued in one breath, "Xiao Bo! You're great, but do you know what? Living with you is exhausting. Not physically—I'm married now, and I'm not afraid of being tired from housework; it's a responsibility of marriage, something I should do. I'm talking about emotional exhaustion. After so many years of marriage, you've never considered my feelings. Your entire life, whatever you want, revolves around you. You always expect me to accommodate you, as if everything I do is my duty. Xiao Bo, I'm so tired of always accommodating you! I know how you'll react to this, whether you react or not, I don't care anymore. I just want a divorce."

The author and I were supposed to go to Sichuan the next day, but I immediately called them and told them I couldn't go this time. Guan Jin from our room immediately panicked, saying, "You arranged all the events there yourself. If you don't go, we won't know the arrangements, we won't know who to contact, that won't do!" For some reason, before Guan Jin could finish speaking, I shouted into the phone, my voice trembling with tears, "I'm not going! To hell with the launch event!" and then slammed the phone down.

After hanging up, I was completely lost. Not knowing what to do, I took out my phone book and called Zhu Jun, who was also our classmate and had a good relationship with Jiang Zhe. He was the one who started the conversation at school, encouraging Jiang Zhe to confess his feelings to me. As soon as Zhu Jun answered, he said, "Jiang Zhe said something?" I said, "He didn't say anything, he just wants a divorce." Zhu Jun was silent for a long time on the other end of the line, then said, "Come over!" So I went. Only after Zhu Jun told me what had happened did I find out. While I was busily developing the book market and looking for topics, Jiang Zhe and Qin Ruyun, the editor in their room, had started a relationship. Qin Ruyun was supposed to be an editor, but she was actually just a cleaning lady from Sichuan they found for their office. She just happened to be exceptionally diligent. Gradually, besides cleaning, she also took on some editorial work, which mainly consisted of delivering and collecting manuscripts. Since they were a pictorial magazine, the main editorial work was done by the magazine's art editors. That girl wasn't very educated, at least seven or eight years younger than Jiang Zhe, and according to Zhu Jun, she wasn't particularly pretty. I was stunned. It took me a while to recover. I asked Zhu Jun, "Isn't that girl just taking advantage of her young age?"

Zhu Jun said, "We've been classmates for many years. I'm telling you, Jiang Zhe's interest isn't really based on her age."

I said, "Then what does he see in her?"

Zhu Jun said, "She's hot! She's sexy! She's considerate of men. She makes men feel like real men. In other words, she gives them confidence. Men aren't tired when they're with her—you haven't given them any of that. To be honest, when Jiang Zhe told me about this over a year ago, I really understood him. I've always covered for him. It's not that I'm a bad person! Don't let my bluntness fool you; I'm not a bad person at heart. But in your marriage with Jiang Zhe, I feel especially sorry for him. Back in school, Jiang Zhe truly saw you as his goddess. On the night of your wedding, he told me that winning you over was the greatest honor of his life. But marriage is about daily life, the pots and pans, and all the time..." He treated you like a goddess, showering you with affection. You were so cold, so aloof, refusing to do even the most mundane household chores; Jiang Zhe was simply too exhausted to handle it. Qin Ruyun wasn't very educated, and sometimes her words were quite vulgar, but she absolutely made men the center of attention, the focal point. To be honest, Jiang Zhe and I have been best friends for many years, and he's told me more than once that in bed, Qin Ruyun's seductive charm and passion gave him a satisfaction he'd never experienced before. I interrupted him: "Don't say anymore..."

I don't know how I left Zhu Jun; I must have looked terrible then, utterly devastated, feeling like my whole life had collapsed. At that moment, I felt that the bestselling book I'd written was nothing but a meaningless "making a living."

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