Wife's Monologue: 1

Published Date: 2015-05-18 Author: Huanyan85 Popularity: 7188

I'm conflicted, but I still opened this couple's account.
Does this mean I've convinced myself that this is already a beginning?
All I have to do now is wait, wait for the right person, the right time.
I'm still wondering if this path, aligned with reality, leads to a bottomless abyss with no turning back, or a glimmer of hope.
Just like how I've been hesitating about how to define my writing: is it the emotional journey of a wife's downfall? Or the pain of being swapped, or a drowning person who missed the last ferries on Noah's Ark? I don't know myself.
People always prefer to stay in familiar hell rather than rush to unfamiliar paradise—this is probably the biggest motivation that brought me here to seek answers.

He's never been a meticulous person; this is probably a common trait among northern men. (Please forgive any unintentional offense.)
We're too familiar, so familiar that physical embraces are just an instinctive need. We know we still love each other, but our hearts no longer flutter.
We were too familiar with each other, so familiar that he asked me, like a willful child, if I agreed to have sex, without any preamble or emotional buffer.
The circumstances at the time didn't allow me to vent my hysteria; despair accompanied by anger—that was the most indelible mark on my heart. My marriage, my family, my children, my entire world crumbled... I even felt that our decade-long relationship had been completely destroyed in that mushroom cloud.
For a long time afterward, I forced a smile, pretending to forget, and he never brought it up again.

Years later, the reconstituted family relationship began to stabilize. If I hadn't accidentally discovered his browsing history on a couples' forum, I thought our lives would have continued in this lukewarm manner.

Time is definitely the best healer. This time, I wasn't angry; I just silently closed the page. A sudden pang of pity struck me.
I've never been a traditional, old-fashioned woman. The education of the new era continues the Confucian tradition and has also taught us to think in multiple ways.
I remember a heart-to-heart talk we had years ago. He said that as long as I was willing and not forced, he wouldn't object to me pursuing physical happiness. At the time, I didn't take it seriously; I just thought it was a test, or perhaps an easier excuse for his own infidelity.
Unexpectedly, not long after, I said the same thing. I was over seven months pregnant then, and perhaps he didn't think much of it either. (Love is free, not a constraint. Humans are animals, and no one expects animals to be faithful to one partner forever. Strictly speaking, animals don't have love; they only have primal mating desires. Human fidelity to a spouse violates the most basic animalistic instincts to satisfy the needs of civilized society.) That was my thinking at the time. So, when he brought it up later, if it hadn't been so abrupt and unprepared, perhaps it wouldn't have left me with such a severe psychological scar.
According to reliable scientific data, a couple will have at least 300 thoughts of divorce in their lifetime. Therefore, choosing the right person doesn't mean choosing a path without thorns, but rather that along the way, the two of you can better learn to handle various situations and solve problems more effectively. Therefore, more often than not, I prefer to think from his perspective, understanding his occasional childishness, willfulness, bluntness, and irrationality. Perhaps some people find this logic silly, but I want to say that women really don't need to be too smart.

I believe that everything that exists has a reason, so after discovering his browsing history, I knew he hadn't given up on this idea and had started searching for answers online.
Due to my previous negative views on couples' online dating and my limited knowledge, my approach was to search QQ groups, trying to approach this group and understand their thoughts. The results were always the same: either I was deemed mentally unstable or ruthlessly kicked out, until 69 became the first new continent I discovered. (To be continued)

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Wife's Monologue: 1

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