Husband's Diary - Part 3

Sunday, April 25, 2015. Sunny.
There was no moonlight tonight, and my heart was as still as water. The lights were off inside. A garbage truck was parked at the building entrance, and sanitation workers were loading trash onto it. I wonder if Nanwei will ever see these entries in my diary. If he does, what will he think? I don't want to guess. I'm afraid to guess now, afraid to remember, but some details I can't forget even if I try.
That night, while Xiao Liang and I were making love, he kept thinking about Zhang Mei. At one point, he kept calling her name. I didn't care; I turned my head to the side and gave him a knowing, mischievous smile.
Later, after Zhang Mei and Nanwei finished, she came to see us, but only for a glance before running out again. Zhang Mei cried after she left, which reminded me of myself. Strangely, I didn't shed a single tear, and I couldn't even find a trace of sadness. Nanwei, Xiao Liang, and I comforted her.
Her crying was so moving; her tears intensified the emotional element of the game. I felt that authenticity was good. If everyone were only indulging in pure physical pleasure, it would make us feel even more miserable, and we might even start to doubt our attitude towards love.
Did we still have love?
Women are always a bit sensitive, and I felt sorry for her, just like I felt sorry for myself. So I let Nanwei hold her, while I hugged Nanwei from behind. Actually, I needed him too at that moment, but I didn't say it. I rested my head against his back, feeling the warmth of his back. I couldn't bear to leave that familiar, warm embrace. It took a long time for Zhang Mei's emotions to stabilize, which I think was because of the simultaneous comfort from two men.
For some reason, I felt a little jealous of Zhang Mei at that moment.
Zhang Mei and I both believed that the men gained more pleasure than the women in this game. We were very friendly then, and her smile was captivating. After showering separately, we sat back down in the living room. We discussed how to sleep that night. Actually, while showering, I clearly told Nanwei that I didn't want to spend the whole night with Xiao Liang. This was true; at the time, I hadn't thought about or wanted my husband to spend the night with another woman. I was just strongly insisting based on my own feelings. So everyone tried to conceal their opinions during the discussion. Of course, explicitly expressing them would inevitably hurt some vulnerable soul. I smiled and said I still wasn't used to sleeping with strangers. If the lights were on, everyone would see my honest, undisguised smile. Nanwei and Xiaoliang didn't really agree with me, because they were still discussing it. In the dim corner, Zhang Mei said, "You decide, I'm fine with whatever." All three of them said that.
I suddenly felt a sadness, a low mood, yet also stubbornness. Perhaps they were all hoping for a new feeling of sleeping.
I still insisted on sleeping with Nanwei, otherwise I really wouldn't be used to it. Nanwei and Xiaoliang both agreed. Nanwei and I returned to the room, and naturally, a slight unpleasantness occurred. I'm not the kind of selfish, willful, and unreasonable woman. I blamed Nanwei for not considering my feelings, for bringing me to this kind of place to play this kind of game, for not cherishing me, for not loving me as much as he said, and for all his other grievances. I hit him, pinched him, twisted him, and made him swear he loved me. I turned my back, crossed my arms, and let my hair hang forlornly over my chest. Tears streamed down my face, my breathing heavy and labored. I felt that sex made everything fragile; I was sad, I was afraid, I was alone.
My mother once said I was foolish. She saw me always giving in to Nanwei and said I lacked my own opinions, that I would definitely suffer in this area in the future. And she was right.

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Husband's Diary - Part 3

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